Pick A Lane

I have always liked the movie American Pie. That said, I struggle with the scene when Jim discovers the newly baked apple pie(especially in the uncut version). I just have a hard time watching it and my inclination is to fast forward until he has finished pretending that the pie is Jaime Pressly. Yet, despite knowing full well that it is coming up, I always end up leaving it on it for some reason.

And so it was with yesterday's drive home from work. I knew it was going to happen. I knew I was going to get as frustrated as Jan when Marcia kept winning trophy after trophy. But there I was tuning the dial to the Afternoon Saloon of Stupidity on AM 1000. And, to make matters worse, there I was turning the dial to The Boers and Bernstein 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour during commercials. Oh sure, I could have rocked out to Van Halen on JACK FM, lost myself in the music listening to Eminem on KISS or even enjoyed getting lost in love by listening to Air Supply on the Lite. Heck, I suppose I even could have listened to WGCI and either shaked my groove thing or jumped around, jumped around, jumped up, jumped up and got down.

But no.

And, I heard exactly what I expected....

• "Hell yeah!! Believe baby! You have got to believe that this is the year!!!"
  
  
• "Whoo hoo!!! I am going to skip buying that Ryne Sandberg rookie card so I can save my money for World Series tickets! This team is going all the way."
  
  
• "Alfonso Soriano is the greatest thing to happen to Chicago since the city found out it had been awarded the '68 Democratic National Convention. He is worth every penny. In fact, give the guy a raise!!!"

Oh brother.

Wasn't it just ten hours earlier when I heard the exact three callers say...

• "What the hell? Believe? Yeah right. I believe that this team stinks!"
  
  
• "Boo hoo!!! This team has as much chance of going all the way as Bartolo Colon has of teaching a dieting class. I'm going to crack open my cubby bear bank and buy a Jerome Walton rookie card!"
  
  
• Alfonso Soriano is the worst thing to happen to Chicago since the city was awarded the '68 Democratic National Convention. He is a complete waste of money. In fact, he should be forced to give some back!"

For gosh sakes, pick a lane.

This is the main reason that I am becoming increasingly turned off by sports radio and it is not as if there is a dearth of reasons. I mean how often do we have to listen to Greenie gush about the Jets and Golic drool over Notre Dame? For how long do we have to listen to Mully and Hanley proclaim to have all the answers? What "expert" suggestion does Silvy and whoever is filling in for the absent Tom Waddle really have to offer? I mean, how many times do we have to hear that the Most Interesting Man in the World once successfully mated a giraffe and a walrus or how chugging a Vault helped Rory kick it on cruise control as he hauls sauerkraut all the wall across the Arizona state line?

But the number one thing I cannot stand is the utter fickleness of sports radio callers. One day the Cubs or Sox are definite playoff participants and the next they might as well trade all their players for a former Mexican Leaguer with bad knees, a pretty boy third baseman who would rather be an interior designer, and a pitcher who has spent the last year playing cards for cigarettes with Andy Dufresne and an army of ex-Illinois governors.

One day Soriano is washed up and the next the Cubs would be better off asking Roosevelt Brown to take off the White Castle apron and put on the home pinstripes.

It is really bordering on ridiculous. Whose calling in? John Kerry?

I firmly believe that one thing I will never be accused of is being a fair weather fan. I believe that those who know me well will agree that I won't waver about my feelings for a player, regardless of whether he goes 5-5 with a pair of home runs or whether he goes 0-5 with three strikeouts and throws the ball into the stands. I trust I proved this point during Rex the Wonder Dog's tenure with the Bears, regardless of whether he was completing passes to Bernard Berrian and Muhsin Muhammed or to Darren Sharper and Mike McKenzie.

By the way, I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed that Rex was signed by the Houston Texans. I certainly do not wish him any ill will, but I have to question whether this means that we will not be treated to the new sitcom "The Wonder Dog Years" this fall. I was really looking forward to the episode where Rex and his best friend Kyle the Bearded Lady go to visit Winnie Cooper at the go-go boots store, but the car gets towed because Rex parked in a handicapped space. And I suppose the episode where Becky Slater punches Rex in the nose for dropping too many snaps from center is now never going to be broadcast. I wonder whose ass is Wayne going to kick?

Look, I am not going to be a wet blanket today and talk about how yesterday's game does nothing to transform Marmol back into the Marmol we used to know and love (since he is presently a modern day Juan Cruz) or magically stop The Japanese Twister from spiraling himself into the ground. In fact, I agree that it was a huge win for the Cubs, tremendously exciting and may very well prove to be exactly what the team needs. But it drives me nuts how some people are treating it as if it did anything more than raise their record back to the break even mark. Even worse is the fact that if Bearister is right and Rich Harden goes down this afternoon with an infected mosquito bite and Cliff Lee shuts out the Cubs on three hits, the same callers will be phoning the sports radio shows and talking about how Jim Hendry makes Isiah Thomas look like a competent general manager, Jim Essian would be better off managing the team, and the Cubs will finish behind the Pirates in the standings. Aaarrrr.

As for Soriano, nothing that happened in yesterday's game does anything to change my opinion that he is not a clutch hitter and is more overpaid than Jack Haley when he was paid millions to carry Dennis Rodman'd jockstrap. After all, for all the vitriol we have thrown Hasbro Suckstein's way this year, his batting average is now 14 points higher than Soriano's. And let's not act like his game winning hit was a solid single into the gap. It really was nothing more than a bloop. Give him credit for having the strength to muscle a pretty good pitch over the infield, but, ultimately, it was nothing more than a blooper that he simply, as the saying goes, "hit it where they ain't.

And I still hate that freakin' hop.

* I also want to mention that, while Soriano may have had a big hit in the 8th inning, it did come after he was the beneficiary of what was a bad call by the home plate umpire on what should have been a called strike three. That said, regardless of whether it was a bad call or not, Hawk Harrelson's reaction and subsequent absolute refusal to let it go resulted in one of the most unprofessional performances by an announcer that I have ever heard. Look, I enjoy a "homer" as much as anyone. I understand that it is Hawk, Len Kaspar, and Harry Doyle's job to paint as rosy a picture as possible, but it is dangerous when one's announcing enters the realm of unprofessionalism, as Hawk's did.

Hawk essentially blamed the entire loss on the single missed call and would not shut up about it. I was very proud of Steve Stone who responded to Hawk's ranting that "one bad call has completely changed this entire game," with "well yeah, that, an error, and a couple of fast balls thrown right over the heart of the plate." You may hate Ron Santo for the fact that he has no clue what is happeing in the game, and the fact that he is likely to call Sean Marshall, Jim Marshall or Marshall Mathers, but, at least he does not bitch and moan and absolutely refuse to let it go.

* A quick warning to anyone who will be driving in Chicago this weekend. Please remember that the motorcade will likely cause the police to close numerous streets, including a number of major thoroughfares. Barack Obama? The Pope? Akeem, the Price of Zamunda? Please... How soon you forget that Mark DeRosa will be in town.