Those who were alive will never forget where they were on that fateful day in 1963 when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot while his motorcade rolled down a Dallas city street. And those who weren't too strung out on LSD in the 1970's are likely to remember precisely where they were when Richard Milhous Nixon gave the victory sign with both hands while climbing aboard Army One on the final day of his presidency. Of course, nobody can forget what they were doing when they first heard that an airplane had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. And you can bet Jose Contreras will always remember that he was eating a pressed ham and swiss sandwich and drinking a mojito at Livan's Lunch Counter in Havana and Greg Oden can still picture himself behind the counter at the northside Indiana general store when his good pal James Whitcomb Riley strolled in and gave the shocking news... that President Lincoln had been shot.
Yes, there are certain days that you will never forget.
The MTV generation boasts such days as well. I mean, who doesn't remember where they were when Christa McAuliffe became not only the first teacher to attempt to go up into space but also the first teacher to have 32,754 parts of her body spread over the state of Florida (I, myself, was in an eigth-grade science class). And, I distinctly remember driving to work when the dulcet tones of Barry Keefe of 101.9 The Mix announced that a small propeller plane had crashed into the WTC. And, I am sure that everyone recalls that amazing day in February 1987 when "Over the Top" made its theatrical debut and Sylvester Stallone was launched into the stratosphere of superstardom from which he has never come down. But there is one day that stands out above all of the rest...
Let me caution you from the outset that I am well aware that admitting that I can recall even the most excrutiating details of what happened on September 25, 2004 proves that, at times, my priorities rival those of Homer Simpson when he elected to travel around the country in search of more Ribwich sandwiches rather than watch Lisa compete against the best of the best at the annual Spellympics. What can I say, Popeye? I yam what I yam.
Anyway, Saturday, September 25, 2004 was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm with a nice breeze -- not quite strong enough to prevent you from reading the newspaper on the back deck, but definitely powerful enough to make Calista Flockhart think twice about heading outdoors for fear of being blown away. I, of course, wasted the afternoon watching Mark "Where Are They Now" Prior pitch 7 2/3 innings of zero-run, four-hit baseball against the Mets at Shea. And, thanks to a two-run homer by Todd "There Is A Sale on Pantyhose in Aisle Four" Walker, the Cubs carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning.
Looking back, I now realize that there was really no reason to think that anything would go wrong -- outside of the fact that the Cubs are, well, the Cubs. Yet, despite their unfortunate history, the Cubs had won 13 of their last 16 games, held a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card standings, and were facing a Mets team that was 24-44 since the All-Star break and featured such prominent superstars as Eric Valent, Jason Phillips, Orber Moreno (true, he is the most celebrated "Orber" ever to set foot on a major league field -- which is a little like being the greatest Jewish guy from Highland Park ever to play in the NBA), and Victor Diaz.
Oh yeah... Victor Diaz.
Anyway, with one out in the final inning, Ryan Dempster walked the All-World Valent and the "All-LaMesa" Phillips (I just cannot bring myself to even sarcastically call a guy who came into the game with a .218 batting average "All-World" or "All-American" or even "All-San Diego County" so I will settle for his birthplace), before Dusty summoned LaTroy Hawkins from the bullpen. Hawkins helped Cub fans breathe a little easier by retiring "All-St. Luisa's Preschool" Jeff Keppinger, before the aforementioned Victor Diaz belted a 2-2 pitch over the right field scoreboard to tie the game at three.
Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz
Despite the fact that I have still not seen a video of the home run since that fateful September day, I can still see it in my mind as clear as day. I can still remember calling Hawkins just about every name in the book (in fact, I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone may have stolen "boner-biting bastard" and "c*ck sucking, *ss lickining, Uncle F*cker from me). I think Boris the Cat may still have a bump from where the remote bonked off of his head. And, finally, I remember curling up on the couch and staring blindly as Craig Brazell would go on to hit his first and only career home run off Kent Mercker in the bottom of the 11th to give the Mets a 4-3 win.
Victor, the hard rock band Skid Row may very well have been talking about you. "Through every sleepless night. Through every endless day. I remember you. Whoa Whoooooaaaaaa!"
So, why have I chosen to take you on this trip down memory lane? Because if the Chicago Cubs do not go on to win the 2007 National League Central Division Crown we may very well look back at Saturday, August 11 as the day that it all began to fall apart (Curse of Kid K, people!).
Now, let me be clear here... it is probably not possible to have a true "Victor Diaz Day" in early August... not with 40-something games left to play. Heck, there is still way too much time for Jenius Jones to embarrass himself during a two hits in 34 at-bats streak, Big Z to lose his mind, ala Ozzy Osbourne, and bite the head off of either a rat or "Are They Really Paying Me For This? Talk About Money For Nothing. Do I Also Get Chicks For Free?" Hill, and Kerry Wood to blow out a flip flip, step on a pop-top, cut his heel and have to limp on back home (naturally putting him on the disabled list until 2012). That said, what happened Saturday night is like winning the lottery by playing the numbers 6-6-6... a bad omen.
And it is not so much what happened to the Cubs that upsets me. Oh sure, I am horrified by the fact that Sean Gallagher and Scott Eyre got hit harder than Buddy Hinton when Peter had finally had enough of his teasing Cindy because she spoke with a lisp. There is no doubt that giving up 13 runs in 2 1/3 innings is bad, but what has me really concerned is what happened in the Brewers game.
For those of you who were too busy watching Sex Talk With Sue Johansen to pay attention Saturday night, the Brew Crew was trailing Houston 4-0 with two outs in the top of the seventh, scored a run to cut the lead to 4-1, added two in the top of the eighth to make it 4-3, and took a 6-4 lead on a two-out home run by Victor Diaz, er, Ryan Braun (on an 0-2 pitch no less). It was the kind of game that makes you believe that perhaps it is Milwaukee and not the Cubs that is truly destined to win the National League Central crown.
And haven't we seen a team that boasts Bob Uecker as it's play-by-play guy go from the bottom of the cellar to the top of the heap in record time before? Let's just say that if the Brewers sign Jake Taylor or Wild Thing Vaughn, I am giving up and focusing my attention on football, whether Rex the Wonder Dog can make intelligent decisions this year and handicapping "America's Got Talent" (for the record, Rex, it turns out entered the wrong contest when he bowed out in the first round of "America's Got Good Decision Making Skills").
The bottom line is that I have this awful feeling that, come October, if, rather than watching thousands of 18-year old "Cub fans" who would not know Don Kessinger from Henry Kissinger, have no memory of the fabulous mustache of Dick Tidrow and think that Ty Waller is that carpenter guy who hosts Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crowd Waveland Avenue waiting for Weasley to send a ball high and deep into the night, Cubs fans are relegated to combing the shops looking for the perfect Karl Rove Halloween costume and watching Derrick Turnbow become the ugliest man to play in a post season baseball game since Jim Leyritz, we will look back on August 11 with dismay.
* The biggest villain Saturday night was Rockie Jamey Carroll who hit a two-out pinch-hit, grand slam off Rich Hill to give Colorado a 6-2 lead. Last week we welcomed Will Oh Man! to the "Crappy Ex-Cub Left-Handed Relievers Club" (hey, is that Mark Guthrie back from his vacation to Suckville? Welcome back! Did you eat at Karen's Krappy Kitchen? I hear the Stinkburgers are delicious!) and this week we welcome Jamey to the "Crappy Players Who Kill the Cubs" Club. Yes, that is Jeff Blauser's photograph on the membership card (he gets in the club both as a result of his performance against and for the Cubs).
And Carroll's grand slam is just the coup de gras. Thus far in 2007, Jamey is hitting .364, has a 1.091 slugging percentage, has clubbed two home runs and has eight RBI against the North Siders. Against the rest of the league, he is hitting .232, slugging .315, has nary a home run and only 10 RBI. In other words, he hits a home run every 5.5 at-bats and has driven in eight runs in only 11 at-bats against the Cubs, while we are still waiting for his first home run and he has driven in ten in 171 at-bats against the rest of the league. Ouch!
Further, unlike the success of Ace of Base, Carroll's success against the Cubs is not a one-year, freak thing. In 2006, he batted 117 points higher, has a slugging percentage that was more than 400 points higher, hit a home run every 12 at-bats and drove in a run every four at-bats against Hill, Wuertz and the rest of Larry Roth-s-child's gang of merry men. Against the rest of the league, he hit a home run every 113 at-bats and drove in a run every 13 1/2. In other words, Jamey must look forward to playing the Cubs like Cartman looks forward to a powdered donut pancake surprise and Kobe Bryant used to look forward to relaxing vacations at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera***
* Wow! Jenius Jones is hotter than the pool scene in Wild Things. Do I owe him an apology? Did Coronel Nathan R. Jeesep apologize for ordering the Code Red? Did Hanke apology for not letting George squeeze his big head through the neck hole of his sweater? Did Zack ever apologize to Mr. Belding for making his life a living hell. In other words... no.
* Finally, yes, I did anger thewife with my admission last week that I will no longer cheer for the White Sox and I am genuinely sorry that I upset her. That said, I would like to share with all of you a quick story about what type of a person I married. My son, Ryan, shares a birthday with Prince William, the actor who played Stephen Keaton on Family Ties, and certified nutjob Juliette Lewis -- June 21 and this year we held his family birthday party on Saturday, June 23. June 23, you see, is the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing game two in their weekend series at U.S. Comiskular. Despite the fact that she knew that we were going to have a house full of born-and-bred Sox fans, she went out before the party and bought him a Cubs hat. I think this story speaks for itself.
Have a great day...
***I am interested in what else are famous and infamous people looking forward to? For example, our good friend Todd is probably looking forward to the "free preview" weekend on Skin-a-max, All Hail the Chief may be looking forward to Saturday, September 8 when the Fightin' Illini football team gets to square off against the Leathernecks of Western Illinois and Orange Whip cannot wait for the Dee Brown book signing... Be creative and post a comment (yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you all to comment!)
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
The Curse of Kid K?
Let's see here... First, Alphonso Soriano limps off the field like Cindy Brady when she feigned injury because she was only allowed to invite one parent to the school play. Then Angel Pagan apparently ate the fish.* And now Aramis Ramirez has been spending all of his free time playing Centipede, Space Invaders and Dig Dug (Mortal Kombat? Please... I'm "old school"). At this point, we better just hope that Jason Kendall doesn't accidentally try on Michael Barrett's old jock strap and come down with an untimely intrascrotal hematoma.
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The Return of the Jenius
Look, I am a busy man these days. Very busy. Busy like Mike and Worm when they realized that if they did not come up with $15,000 in five days they would be forced to spend the rest of their days sewing holes in Gramma's holey pajamas or making routine runs to the nearest Dominick's for more Oreos to satisfy Teddy KGB's cravings. Busy like the guy who hands out syringes at the Tour de France. Busy like Jack Bauer on "one of those days."
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Remembering the Madness
Well, the 2007 NCAA Tournament has been over for more than a week and we have all had a good chance to sit back and digest it's ups and downs. While it certainly was not the most exciting tournament of all-time, it did have it's moments and will live in the hearts and memories of those of us who recognize March as the greatest month of the year for quite some time (just for the record, it is currently sitting right next to my memory of the time that I stole a Whatchamacallit from Osco Drug and my sister snitched me out to my parents. There goes my political career!). And, with the Cubs already encouraging me to return the 'W' flag to its storage space in the basement until next year, I think the time is right to take a look back and hand out a few awards...
(Yes, I recognize that this post is veeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy long... Since, I post a new batch of Random Thoughts pretty much once a month now, cut it up and read a different section every day of the month!!! Screw that...read the whole dang thing now! Do it! Do it!!!!)
* BEST MOMENT: I may very well have been the only person in Joe’s on Weed Street that was even paying attention to the song that was played during the first timeout of the Illinois – Virginia Tech game, but, in my mind, it simply could not have been more perfect. The game was only a little more than four minutes old and despite the Illini’s quick start, Coach Orange Coat had already whined to anyone who would listen about a missed travel, poor shot selection, an unfortunate turnover by Dr. Chester Frazier, the size of the locker room, the fact that Mrs. Orange Coat was not given an aisle seat, the bus driver’s hair color, and the all-too-real possibility that the rumors are true... Katie Holmes has, in fact, taken Suri and told Tom to stuff his L. Ron Hubbard bobble head doll where the sun does not shine. Suddenly, Green Day’s “Basket Case” blared through the bar’s speakers. Listening to the first verse, I was struck with how incredibly apropos it was. Thinking about how the song should be immediately adopted in Champaign-Urbana as the official Coach Orange Coat theme, I set out to make it a little more fitting. Billie Joe Armstrong’s version is certainly a classic, but, ultimately, I like my rewriting a little better. I will let you be the judge…
To be sung to the tune of “Basket Case” (Note: the first verse did not require any changes at all. The rest of the song is pure RT)
Do you have the time?
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once.
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid, or do I just suck
I recruited Eric G.
He said he’d play for me
But then Mike Davis melted under the heat
He decided on IU
Now I don’t know what to do
So I’ll just whine that Kelvin Sampson is a cheat
Jon Scheyer said “no way”
For you, I will not play
And Sherron Collins’ decision has caused me much grief
My players are all in jail
Gotta pay Rich McBride’s bail
I guess I’ll just whine that Sampson is a thief
Nobody wants to play for me
I recruit worse than the U.S. Army
The losses will soon add up
Well, at least I don’t coach at Rupp
I guess I can get a job at Mickey D’s
Where’s my ugly orange coat
Ron Guenther called me an idiot…
* WORST PLANNING: Whether it was a lack of faith in Thad Matta and the Buckeyes or a party planner that simply thinks that March Madness refers to the half-off sale on “I’m Anna’s Baby’s Daddy” t-shirts at Strange Cargo, the fine folks at the Golden Slumber Community Center really dropped the ball. In retrospect, scheduling the annual “Senior Sparkles Soiree“ for the last Saturday in March was a terrible decision. Sure, Irving still made his famous tapioca pudding, Estelle Getty showed up and signed autographs, and Mildred hadn’t danced that much since the Metamucil truck broke down in front of the Center, but, alas, Greg was 560 miles away in Atlanta and never even showed up.
* MOST TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO KEEP GREG OLDEN IN THE GAME: I don’t blame the NCAA for wanting to make sure that Greg Olden plays as much as possible, especially when the game is on the line. After all, despite all the talk about his maturity, desire to get a college degree, and enjoyment of college life, this was probably his only spin around the carousel. Too bad the majority of the time, the referees did not get the message and saddled Olden with numerous first-half fouls.
One time, the referees certainly did get the message was during the late stages of the Buckeyes’ Sweet Sixteen game against Rocky Top. Olden had large splotches of blood on the front of his jersey, yet was allowed to remain in the game without changing his shirt. I immediately wondered why, believing that a player with visible blood on his jersey had to be automatically removed from the game.
Well, it turns out that the official NCAA rule provides that a player must be taken out of the game, if his jersey is “saturated” with blood. I have no idea what exactly that means, but would be willing to bet my copy of “Top 10 Ohio State Basketball Players Who Were Major Disappointments in the NBA” with a new foreward co-written by Dennis Hopson and Brad Sellers and a planned chapter coming on Mike Conley Jr. as soon as he jumps ship, that Matt Terwilliger would have been removed from the game under such circumstances. In fact, I am willing to bet that the only way that Olden would have been forced out of the game is if he looked like an extra from the movie Saw or had a nasty run in with Kermit Washington.
* BIGGEST UNANSWERED QUESTION: How much exactly is Shawn Kemp's child support payment to Greg's mom? Or, given the fact that Greg is likely old enough to know for sure whether Jebediah Springfield was a true American hero or a murderous pirate who hated Springfield, perhaps the names should be reversed when asking the question.
* BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: USC played Texas in the second round. Think of the possibilities. Really, take a minute to give it some thought…
Alas, Vince Young and Reggie Bush were nowhere to be found and the cheerleaders never even got close enough to one another to trade phone numbers or Matt Leinart war stories. Instead we had to watch Gabe Pruitt, Nick Young and D.J. Augustin play basketball. Yeech.
* MOST OVERRUSED CLICHÉ: BYU lost to Xavier because the team lacked toughness. Long Beach State allowed Tennessee to score more points in the first half than many teams scored in their entire game, because the 49ers were simply not tough enough. George Washington lost to Vanderbilt by like 86 points because the necessary toughness was absent. Terence Dials did not sell as many hot dogs as he usually does at Value City Arena because he was lacking his usual toughness. Chris Jent did not do a good job valet parking Troy Smith’s pimped-out Navigator because he left his toughness at home. Etc. Etc. Etc. Excuse me?
Lack of toughness has suddenly become an excuse for everything. Well, let me be the first person to come out and admit that I have no idea what the heck Jay Bilas, Billy P-acc-ker, and the rest of the CBS announcers (not the mention the coaches) are talking about. What exactly is toughness? Should teams be recruiting the ghost of John Wayne, boxing trainer Frankie Dunn and a discarded meal from Outback Steakhouse? If you are able to survive eight months in a Chinese prison does that make you a better point guard? If you breed poisonous snakes, eat scorpions for breakfast and share your living space with a Mexican Grey Wolf will you be a better three-point shooter? After all, you sure as heck have proven to have toughness.
Look, most teams lose games because when they shoot the ball, their aim is no better than that of any terrorist who shoots a gun at Jack Bauer. Most teams come up short because they rebound like Julia Roberts after discovering that Kiefer Sutherland had an unfortunate affinity for strippers (yes, friends and neighbors, Jack Bauer was engaged to Erin Brockovich and blew his chance by hooking up with a stripper. Didn’t he realize that she also played stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold Vivian Ward? Roberts’ rebound conquest, of course, was ugmo Lyle Lovett. Lyle Lovett!!!). Teams lose because their ability to stop other teams from scoring rivals Willy Wonka’s ability to stop Mike Teevee from jumping in front of the camera and becoming the first human to ever be sent by television. Toughness, my ass. Teams lose because they suck.
* WORST INVENTION: Wonka’s television thingy. Let’s see here. Take a 20 pound bar of chocolate and send it through the air so that it comes out as a 4 ounce bar of chocolate. Yeah, great idea Willy. How about giving the Oompa Loompas back their crack pipe.
*MOST CONFUSING RESULT: Yes…I know that Florida was the defending champion and the #1 overall seed in the tournament. Yes, I realize that a #16 seed has never beaten a #1. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that most experts, so-called-experts, semi-experts and wanna-be experts figured that Jackson State had about as much chance of beating Florida as Kramer had in lasting more than six hours in “The Contest.” But, after considering all of the factors -- as a Chicago Bears’ fan -- I really thought that the Tigers would knock off the mighty Gators. I mean, how can a school that is responsible for icon Walter Payton possibly lose to a school that unleashed Rex the Wonder Dog on the world? Oh yeah... Erin Andrews. For further reference, unless the Random Thoughts Hottie #1 decides to pursue an undergraduate education, the University of Florida will continue to kick everyone’s ass.
* BEST PREDICTION: Let’s be honest here…when the parings were announced, everyone, with the possible exception of Mike Golic, Digger Phelps, Ron Pawlus, and the leprechaun, predicted that Winthrop would knock off Notre Dame in the first round of the Madness. But who out there was insistent that the Gregg Marshall's Eagles would win a game in the tournament on December 8? Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh yeah, it was me.
* SECOND BEST PREDICTION: Rex… Grossman… sucks.
* THIRD BEST PREDICTION: I may not be quite on the level of Nostradamus, Miss Cleo, or Screech (after bring hit by lightning and developing a strange ability to see the future, thereby allowing Zack to win Slater’s bomber jacket by successfully predicting that a band member would be the next student down the Bayside High School stairs) but the Winthrop victory and my insistence that Rex is the second coming of Moses Moreno were not my only successful predictions. It may not have been back in early December, but the RT also correctly predicted that Wisconsin would not escape the first weekend of the tournament. Never got that hot fudge sundae, though.
* MOST RANDOM GAME: One of my favorite movies growing up was Zapped! starring Scott Baio and Willie Ames. Baio played Barney Sprinboro, a science nerd, who got telekinetic powers after an unfortunate laboratory accident. This actually has nothing to do with Wright State’s loss to Pittsburgh, but it was still a pretty cool movie anyway and you got to see Heather Thomas topless, which was about as cool as it gets when you are 12.
* MST AGNIZING PERFRMANCE: I was prepared all day for the Indiana Hsiers season to end. In fact, I was prepared fr IU to get blwn ff the curt by UCLA. N, I did nt imagine that they wuld play as prly as they did in the first half, when they has abut as much chance to scre as The Shermanator at ne f Stifler’s parties, but, nnetheless, I was ready fr the year to cme to a clse and was perfectly kay with it. Thirteen pints in a full half f basketball? That’s bad. Real bad.
And then, with about six minutes to play in the game, the Hoosiers caught fire and reclaimed their ‘O’. Wilmont drilled a three. Calloway canned one from the right wing, Heck, even Lance Stemler, who seemingly had not hit a long-range jumper since it was discovered that certain Taco Bells on Long Island were making their taco supremes with meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and a special new ingredient… e-coli, knocked down a pair. And the next thing I knew, the game was tied 49-49 with under one minute to play.
Of course, IU was unable to close the deal and, despite the valiant comeback, their season ended anyway. Is there anything worse that starting off expecting absolutely nothing, having your hopes raised, actually beginning to believe that victory is possible, yet, ultimately, ending up a loser? Whether it is better to come close or just get absolutely destroyed like the Springfield pee-wee football team with Bart playing quarterback is an age-old argument, but I have always subscribed to the relatively unpopular opinion that it is better to just get blown out from the beginning and not have to deal with the inevitable nervous energy that comes with a close game. I guess it comes from being a Cubs fan and having a total lack of experience with the “It’s better to be dumped by the hot girl than never to have dated her at all.” She was too busy with Doug Simpson, Zack Morris and all the other big men on campus.
* WORST COACHING JOB: Branch McCracken has been dead since before Jimi Hendrix mistook a jar of barbiturates for jelly beans and Janis Joplin stopped having sex with complete strangers long enough to inject herself with a lethal dose of heroin. Mike Davis probably would have either called in sick, tried to bring Bracey Wright back from the Albanian league, or would have run out onto the middle of the court complaining about how the world hated him. Bob Knight would have simply choked one player, stuffed another in a garbage can, and thrown a chair at a third. That said, I am more than pleased that Kelvin Sampson is the current coach of the Indiana Hoosiers (of course, there is also that whole Eric Gordon thing).
That said, his coaching in IU’s loss to UCLA left a lot to be desired. First, from my vantage point, point guard Earl Calloway was able to get to the rim whenever he wanted, yet the Hoosiers’ offense did not exploit this fact and IU settled for poor shot after poor shot. Second, his ill-advised, Webber-esque use of IU’s timeouts left Stemler without the ability to call timeout when he could not inbound the ball with 26 seconds left to play and Indiana trailing by two. Third, and most egregious was his apparent unwillingness to intentionally foul the man otherwise known as nature’s living evidence that the NCAA should allow certain players to wear the famous mask from the movie Scream at all times while on the court -- Lorenzo Mata, a 30-something percent free throw shooter. Those with whom I watched the game reminded me that such an “automatic foul” strategy is never employed and would not work anyway, but I would now remind them that the Hoosiers lost the game anyway. Why not try thinking outside the box? Who knows what would have happened?
* WORST DECISION: Joakim Noah meet Matt Leinart. Matt Leinart meet Joakim Noah. Now both of you, please meet the man who signed the guy who sang "Rico Suave" to a recording contract. And, no, Paris Hilton has nothing to do with any of this. One year ago, Noah was the talk of the town and the possible #1 overall pick in the NBA Draft. Today, on the other hand, he is just an “energy guy” with a stupid hairdo. This season, his on-the-court weaknesses have become more obvious than the fact that Lindsay Lohan got a boob job and the NBA scouts are no longer fooled. Now, please do not shed a tear for Noah. After all, with his enthusiasm and height, he is still fairly certain to have an NBA career. Perhaps he can borrow Jack Haley’s old suits. Maybe he can ask Viktor Khryapa whether you actually have to wear a uniform under your warmups when your chances of getting into the game are equal to the chances that a cast member on the Real World will not end up sleeping with someone else in the house. In other word’s, enjoy your second title big guy and have fun “playing it big all day and all night” (whatever the heck that means), because your NBA career is likely to last about as long as Rico Sauve’s time at the top.
* WORST DECISION PART DEUX: Kentucky replaced Tubby with Billy Gillispie. Gillispie is an outstanding coach and will likely do fairly well in the Bluegrass State, but I have two words for Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart…Ashley Judd. Think the boys in blue wouldn’t be interested in instruct them on how to hand check without getting in trouble, not to mention how to execute an effective double team?
* WORST CAREER MOVE: Something tells me that Tubby Smith did not really have a choice when he left Lexington for Minneapolis. Otherwise, someone please tell our friend Orlando to stop hanging out with Jeff Spicoli, Slater from “Dazed and Confused,” and Wonka when he developed that television thingy. Leaving the Wildcats to coach the Golden Gophers is like quitting your job as the pool boy at the Playboy mansion to clean toilets at the Snapple lady’s house. Does he realize that Kevin McHale graduated in 1980? Does he know that Minnesota is to the Big Ten what The ‘burbs is to Tom Hanks’ filmography? Does he realize that the Walsh family ditched the Land of 10,000 Lakes for Beverly Hills way back in 1990?
Anyway you slice it…bad, bad move. Kind of like picking up a hitchhiker who is carrying a chainsaw….even if he does have Bud Light.
*MOST CONFUSING RESULT: Yes…I know that Florida was the defending champion and the #1 overall seed in the tournament. Yes, I realize that a #16 seed has never beaten a #1. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that most experts, so-called-experts, semi-experts and wanna-be experts figured that Jackson State had about as much chance of beating Florida as Kramer had in lasting more than six hours in “The Contest.” But, after considering all of the factors -- as a Chicago Bears’ fan -- I really thought that the Tigers would knock off the mighty Gators. I mean, how can a school that is responsible for icon Walter Payton possibly lose to a school that unleashed Rex the Wonder Dog on the world? Oh yeah... Erin Andrews. For further reference, unless the Random Thoughts Hottie #1 decides to pursue an undergraduate education, the University of Florida will continue to kick everyone’s ass.
* TEAM MOST DESERVING OF A HOLIDAY GIFT: We should thank the Irish for all of the wonderful things that they have gifted on the world. St. Patrick’s Day, pints of Guinness, U2, and Seamus Finnegan, not to mention the smokin’ hot violin player of The Corrs. But, nobody should send the Irish a larger holiday gift this year than then-coach Todd Lickliter and the Butler Bulldogs. Butler made a nice run to the Sweet 16 and actually put a scare into Erin Andrews University, but, looking back, the only reason they were even in the tournament was because of an early-season victory over Notre Dame. You see, Butler was chosen as an at-large thanks to non-conference wins over the Irish, Indiana, Tennessee, and the Little Overrated School in the Northwest. And they never would have even played the Hoosiers, Vols, or Zags if they had not beaten Notre Dame. Milhouse once warned Itchy to look out because the suspect-looking figure headed in his direction was Irish. And you know what they say… the House always wins.
* BEST IMPRESSION OF DAVE CORZINE: When the bearded Corzine played for the Bulls in the early 1980’s, the over-under on missed layups in a game was six, which begs the question, did KU coach Bill Self hire him as shooting coach before the Jayhawks’ Regional Final matchup with UCLA? Kansas has had many nicknames since the inception of the Random Thoughts and it appears as though they have officially retired the “Team Who Must Not Be Named” moniker and moved on. Thanks to their Corzine-ish performance against the Bruins, I cannot help but now refer to them as “The Team Who Must Not Shoot The Ball From Within Four Feet Of The Rim.” If only Acie Iv had gone to KU…
Wait a minute…never mind. Calling Iv “Mr. Clutch” after his crucial missed layup in the final minute of Texas A&M’s Sweet Sixteen loss to Memphis is like calling former Durham County District Attorney Michael Nifong “Mr. Ethics” or referring to Steve Garvey and Shawn Kemp as the Celibacy Twins.
* MOST UNSELFISH/ GENEROUS: I am going to have to ask Illinois and Virginia Tech to share this prestigious award. The way those two teams were trying to give one another the game reminded me of the Brady boys when they came to the conclusion that the Hawaiian tiki idol was, in fact, cursed. In fact, those sitting courtside reported the following conversation:
Illini Player: Who do you think should win this game?
Hokie Player: You go ahead and win it. I’ll tell you what…I will even miss every free throw to help you out.
Illini Player: No, no, you guys should win. We’ll even turn the ball over on every possession in the last four minutes to help.
Hokie Player: No, I really want you to win. Here…take the ball.
Illini Player: I insist…you take it.
Hokie Player: No you.
Illini Player: You…
Hokie Player: You…
Illini Player: Look…just take the dang ball and win the game. I’ve got my arraignment on Sunday, anyway.
Heck, the way the Illini played, it almost appeared as though Coach Orange Coat owed Va Tech coach Seth Greenberg a Purim gift. Sheesh, next time just get him the Marge Schott autographed bagel slicer and have your team actually try and win the game.
* BEST PROP: VCU coach Anthony Grant introduced “The Chain” during the Colonial Athletic Conference tournament to remind his team that each player is connected to each other and to make sure that they always remember that the team goal is paramount. “The Chain,” which appears to weigh more than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen combined (even after a visit to the Old Country Buffet, yet before their inevitable trip to the restroom – I think I may have used that one before), received more airtime during the Rams’ two tournament games than the brats from American Idol receive in a month and only slightly less than Sarah Wood received during Game Five of the 2003 National League Division Series (let’s not even mention the airtime given to Brady Quinn’s sister/ A.J. Hawk’s girlfriend during the 2005 Fiesta Bowl). And what appeared to most to be a seemingly innocent prop probably played a significant role in VCU’s stirring comeback against Pitt. After all, you have to imagine that Aaron Gray freaked out when he saw it and immediately began having flashbacks to those long days chained to a boiler in Dr. Frankenstein’s basement before finally being perfected and let loose to provide America’s long-awaited answer to Uwe Blab. And the rest of the Pittsburgh team had to be at least a little concerned that Gray would not be able to hold it together given the circumstances and would run amok through the city like Lard Lad after Homer stole his colossal donut and a freak storm accidentally brought him and his advertising friends to life. Frankly, now that I think about it… I cannot believe that Pitt actually won.
* BIGGEST IDIOT: Seth Davis. What, you need an explanation? Okay, fine. Seth Davis is an idiot. Happy now?
* BEST RESULT: Bob Knight lost. Hooray. What’s even better is the fact that it now seems to be becoming a habit (when his team actually makes the tournament, that is). Kind of like throwing potted plants and secretaries and embarrassing your employer.
* MOST TELLING GRAPHIC: Occasionally, CBS will use what is known in the business as a graphics frame template during their broadcasts (okay, I actually made that up, but you have gotta admit that it sounds pretty authentic). Basically, when the network wants to display stats they will “frame” the information with a border. I’m sure that most of you have an idea what I am talking about. Well, during this year’s tournament, they utilized “floating” words in the frame, and their choice of words was quite interesting… CBS? That makes sense, gotta pimp the network so everyone is sure to tune in to The New Adventures of Old Christine, which it turns out are not half as interesting as the old adventures of new Christine or the new adventures of Pacman Jones (sure to be coming to Fox in the near future). NCAA? Okay, it makes sense to pay tribute to the “student-athlete” organization that runs the whole thing. Madness? Gotta be there for obvious reasons. ACC? What? Excuse me? Does Billy P-acc-ker really have that much power? Why don’t they just put a permanent smiling picture of Mike Kryzewski in the corner and put an end to the “we don’t favor the ACC more than anyone else” charade?
Oh yeah, ESPN already owns the rights to Coach K…
* TOUGHEST TASK: Stanford was scheduled to play the early game on Thursday in Lexington, Kentucky. The game tipped at 12:15 local time, which means that it was only 9:15 in the morning in Palo Alto when they had to take the court. In my opinion, it is a little unfair to ask a bunch of guys who are accustomed to discussing the virtues of Trotsky, researching possible cures for cancer, and designing new “graphics frame templates” at that time in the morning to go out and chase Rick Pitino’s gang up and down the court. Now, I am not suggesting that the early start is responsible for the Cardinal’s dreadful play. As we all know, it was clearly a lack of toughness. [snicker]
* BEST MATCHUP OF PLAYER FROM OVERRATED MID-MAJOR TEAMS WHO SHARE IDENTICAL INITIALS: Nevada played Creighton in the first round in a matchup of star players who share the same initials. I know you all are wondering... is such a “same initial” matchup really that rare in sports? Not necessarily when you consider that in the past we have enjoyed matchups featuring Michael Jordan versus Magic Johnson and Mickey Mantle versus Mike Morgan (Morgan was around back then, wasn’t he?), but what is really odd is the fact that both players have the obscure initials “NF.” With the exception of Nellie Fox and journeyman pitcher Nelson Figueroa, I challenge you to name me another known athlete with the initials “NF.” Kinda weird, huh?
And while Nate Funk is fresh in our minds, let me say that I, for one, am hoping with all my might that Nate makes the NBA. After all, playing “We Got the Funk” in an 80% empty arena in Sioux Falls or Bakersfield just does not have the same effect as blasting through an NA Arena. Well, at least the amazingly overrated Fazekas and Brian Randle will be able to enjoy it.
* WORST CALL: The last time Georgetown made the Final Four, Mike Tyson was a gapped-tooth, wide-eyed, promise-filled 18-year old whose whole life was ahead of him, Michael Jackson was still a man and was preparing to head “We Are the World, and Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan and Captain Lou Albano were trying to save Rock ‘n’ Roll from the evil clutches of Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper. The Hoyas finally made their return in ’07 thanks to a blatant missed travel on Jeff Green’s game winning shot versus Vanderbilt in the Sweet Sixteen. Did Green actually travel? In my mind, ... absolutely. But, should we really have expected the refs to call it? This is Georgetown, after all, and calling traveling on Georgetown is like calling a push-off on Michael Jordan or flagging the New England secondary for pass interference. Ain’t gonna happen. See you later, Kevin Stallings. Enjoy Nashville and if you se Faith Hill, please give her my number.
* BEST NAME: I suspect that most of you paid closer attention to whether Denis Arkhipov could reach the illusive 10-goal plateau and were more concerned with Valerie Bertinelli’s soaring weight than you were with the women’s NCAA Tournament, so let me be the first to introduce you to Ole Miss guard Ashley Awkward. Ashley may have only averaged 4.3 points per game but was a key cog in the Rebels’ run to the Elite Eight. Hey, wait a minute! Now, I think I remember her! Wasn’t she a Garbage Pail Kid? I think I got her in a pack once with Eliott Mess, Bloody Flo, and Bald Brittney. Cracked a tooth on the gum too.***
* BIGGEST CHOKE JOB: As long as we are talking about the women’s NCAA Tournament, let’s not neglect to mention Lindsey Harding’s two missed free throws in the Duke Lady Blue Devils’ 53-52 loss to Rutgers. Harding, a 75% free throw shooter and the ACC player of the year, missed two from the charity stripe with 0.1 seconds remaining on the clock, effectively sealing Duke’s faith. I realize that she missed the two most important shots of the game, I recognize that Duke allowed Rutgers to shoot 57% in the second half, and I am fully aware that the Devilettes turned the ball over 16 times, but can you believe that foul call on Wanisha Smith with 13 minutes to go in the first half? Talk about an anti-Duke conspiracy… Man, someone better call former New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison and Harvard Professor Robert Langdon. We have got to start an investigation.
* MOST EYE-POPPING STAT: The lady Devils committed seven fouls for the entire game. Huh… I guess we better leave Garrison in the ground and let Professor Langdon continue trying to bring down the Catholic church. Given the lack of fouls on Duke and the fact that they were playing the lovely young, proper ladies from Rutgers, one must wonder whether Don Imus was one of the three officials.
* BEST NEWS: There are only 341 days or roughly 8184 hours, 491,040 minutes, or 29,462,400 seconds until we get to do it all over again.
Have a terrific night/ week/ month/ year/ decade ... heck, who knows when I will be back?
***Believe it or not, the Garbage Pail Kids are still alive and kicking (except perhaps for Disgustin’ Justin and Oozy Susie, I never did figure that the two of them would make it). In fact, the company that has produced Garbage Pail Kids cards since they first hit shelves in 1985, Topps Trading Card Co. recently released an all-new series. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive confirmation regarding whether the 2007 series includes “Big Baby Bruce,” “Mangled-Arm Mark,” and, everyone’s favorite, “Nappy Headed Ho Holly.” Oh crap, there goes my gig with MSNBC!
Who are your favorite Garbage Pail Kids? Let me know by posting a comment. The most creative one gets nothing. That's right. Nothing.
(Yes, I recognize that this post is veeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy long... Since, I post a new batch of Random Thoughts pretty much once a month now, cut it up and read a different section every day of the month!!! Screw that...read the whole dang thing now! Do it! Do it!!!!)
* BEST MOMENT: I may very well have been the only person in Joe’s on Weed Street that was even paying attention to the song that was played during the first timeout of the Illinois – Virginia Tech game, but, in my mind, it simply could not have been more perfect. The game was only a little more than four minutes old and despite the Illini’s quick start, Coach Orange Coat had already whined to anyone who would listen about a missed travel, poor shot selection, an unfortunate turnover by Dr. Chester Frazier, the size of the locker room, the fact that Mrs. Orange Coat was not given an aisle seat, the bus driver’s hair color, and the all-too-real possibility that the rumors are true... Katie Holmes has, in fact, taken Suri and told Tom to stuff his L. Ron Hubbard bobble head doll where the sun does not shine. Suddenly, Green Day’s “Basket Case” blared through the bar’s speakers. Listening to the first verse, I was struck with how incredibly apropos it was. Thinking about how the song should be immediately adopted in Champaign-Urbana as the official Coach Orange Coat theme, I set out to make it a little more fitting. Billie Joe Armstrong’s version is certainly a classic, but, ultimately, I like my rewriting a little better. I will let you be the judge…
To be sung to the tune of “Basket Case” (Note: the first verse did not require any changes at all. The rest of the song is pure RT)
Do you have the time?
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once.
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid, or do I just suck
I recruited Eric G.
He said he’d play for me
But then Mike Davis melted under the heat
He decided on IU
Now I don’t know what to do
So I’ll just whine that Kelvin Sampson is a cheat
Jon Scheyer said “no way”
For you, I will not play
And Sherron Collins’ decision has caused me much grief
My players are all in jail
Gotta pay Rich McBride’s bail
I guess I’ll just whine that Sampson is a thief
Nobody wants to play for me
I recruit worse than the U.S. Army
The losses will soon add up
Well, at least I don’t coach at Rupp
I guess I can get a job at Mickey D’s
Where’s my ugly orange coat
Ron Guenther called me an idiot…
* WORST PLANNING: Whether it was a lack of faith in Thad Matta and the Buckeyes or a party planner that simply thinks that March Madness refers to the half-off sale on “I’m Anna’s Baby’s Daddy” t-shirts at Strange Cargo, the fine folks at the Golden Slumber Community Center really dropped the ball. In retrospect, scheduling the annual “Senior Sparkles Soiree“ for the last Saturday in March was a terrible decision. Sure, Irving still made his famous tapioca pudding, Estelle Getty showed up and signed autographs, and Mildred hadn’t danced that much since the Metamucil truck broke down in front of the Center, but, alas, Greg was 560 miles away in Atlanta and never even showed up.
* MOST TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO KEEP GREG OLDEN IN THE GAME: I don’t blame the NCAA for wanting to make sure that Greg Olden plays as much as possible, especially when the game is on the line. After all, despite all the talk about his maturity, desire to get a college degree, and enjoyment of college life, this was probably his only spin around the carousel. Too bad the majority of the time, the referees did not get the message and saddled Olden with numerous first-half fouls.
One time, the referees certainly did get the message was during the late stages of the Buckeyes’ Sweet Sixteen game against Rocky Top. Olden had large splotches of blood on the front of his jersey, yet was allowed to remain in the game without changing his shirt. I immediately wondered why, believing that a player with visible blood on his jersey had to be automatically removed from the game.
Well, it turns out that the official NCAA rule provides that a player must be taken out of the game, if his jersey is “saturated” with blood. I have no idea what exactly that means, but would be willing to bet my copy of “Top 10 Ohio State Basketball Players Who Were Major Disappointments in the NBA” with a new foreward co-written by Dennis Hopson and Brad Sellers and a planned chapter coming on Mike Conley Jr. as soon as he jumps ship, that Matt Terwilliger would have been removed from the game under such circumstances. In fact, I am willing to bet that the only way that Olden would have been forced out of the game is if he looked like an extra from the movie Saw or had a nasty run in with Kermit Washington.
* BIGGEST UNANSWERED QUESTION: How much exactly is Shawn Kemp's child support payment to Greg's mom? Or, given the fact that Greg is likely old enough to know for sure whether Jebediah Springfield was a true American hero or a murderous pirate who hated Springfield, perhaps the names should be reversed when asking the question.
* BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: USC played Texas in the second round. Think of the possibilities. Really, take a minute to give it some thought…
Alas, Vince Young and Reggie Bush were nowhere to be found and the cheerleaders never even got close enough to one another to trade phone numbers or Matt Leinart war stories. Instead we had to watch Gabe Pruitt, Nick Young and D.J. Augustin play basketball. Yeech.
* MOST OVERRUSED CLICHÉ: BYU lost to Xavier because the team lacked toughness. Long Beach State allowed Tennessee to score more points in the first half than many teams scored in their entire game, because the 49ers were simply not tough enough. George Washington lost to Vanderbilt by like 86 points because the necessary toughness was absent. Terence Dials did not sell as many hot dogs as he usually does at Value City Arena because he was lacking his usual toughness. Chris Jent did not do a good job valet parking Troy Smith’s pimped-out Navigator because he left his toughness at home. Etc. Etc. Etc. Excuse me?
Lack of toughness has suddenly become an excuse for everything. Well, let me be the first person to come out and admit that I have no idea what the heck Jay Bilas, Billy P-acc-ker, and the rest of the CBS announcers (not the mention the coaches) are talking about. What exactly is toughness? Should teams be recruiting the ghost of John Wayne, boxing trainer Frankie Dunn and a discarded meal from Outback Steakhouse? If you are able to survive eight months in a Chinese prison does that make you a better point guard? If you breed poisonous snakes, eat scorpions for breakfast and share your living space with a Mexican Grey Wolf will you be a better three-point shooter? After all, you sure as heck have proven to have toughness.
Look, most teams lose games because when they shoot the ball, their aim is no better than that of any terrorist who shoots a gun at Jack Bauer. Most teams come up short because they rebound like Julia Roberts after discovering that Kiefer Sutherland had an unfortunate affinity for strippers (yes, friends and neighbors, Jack Bauer was engaged to Erin Brockovich and blew his chance by hooking up with a stripper. Didn’t he realize that she also played stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold Vivian Ward? Roberts’ rebound conquest, of course, was ugmo Lyle Lovett. Lyle Lovett!!!). Teams lose because their ability to stop other teams from scoring rivals Willy Wonka’s ability to stop Mike Teevee from jumping in front of the camera and becoming the first human to ever be sent by television. Toughness, my ass. Teams lose because they suck.
* WORST INVENTION: Wonka’s television thingy. Let’s see here. Take a 20 pound bar of chocolate and send it through the air so that it comes out as a 4 ounce bar of chocolate. Yeah, great idea Willy. How about giving the Oompa Loompas back their crack pipe.
*MOST CONFUSING RESULT: Yes…I know that Florida was the defending champion and the #1 overall seed in the tournament. Yes, I realize that a #16 seed has never beaten a #1. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that most experts, so-called-experts, semi-experts and wanna-be experts figured that Jackson State had about as much chance of beating Florida as Kramer had in lasting more than six hours in “The Contest.” But, after considering all of the factors -- as a Chicago Bears’ fan -- I really thought that the Tigers would knock off the mighty Gators. I mean, how can a school that is responsible for icon Walter Payton possibly lose to a school that unleashed Rex the Wonder Dog on the world? Oh yeah... Erin Andrews. For further reference, unless the Random Thoughts Hottie #1 decides to pursue an undergraduate education, the University of Florida will continue to kick everyone’s ass.
* BEST PREDICTION: Let’s be honest here…when the parings were announced, everyone, with the possible exception of Mike Golic, Digger Phelps, Ron Pawlus, and the leprechaun, predicted that Winthrop would knock off Notre Dame in the first round of the Madness. But who out there was insistent that the Gregg Marshall's Eagles would win a game in the tournament on December 8? Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh yeah, it was me.
* SECOND BEST PREDICTION: Rex… Grossman… sucks.
* THIRD BEST PREDICTION: I may not be quite on the level of Nostradamus, Miss Cleo, or Screech (after bring hit by lightning and developing a strange ability to see the future, thereby allowing Zack to win Slater’s bomber jacket by successfully predicting that a band member would be the next student down the Bayside High School stairs) but the Winthrop victory and my insistence that Rex is the second coming of Moses Moreno were not my only successful predictions. It may not have been back in early December, but the RT also correctly predicted that Wisconsin would not escape the first weekend of the tournament. Never got that hot fudge sundae, though.
* MOST RANDOM GAME: One of my favorite movies growing up was Zapped! starring Scott Baio and Willie Ames. Baio played Barney Sprinboro, a science nerd, who got telekinetic powers after an unfortunate laboratory accident. This actually has nothing to do with Wright State’s loss to Pittsburgh, but it was still a pretty cool movie anyway and you got to see Heather Thomas topless, which was about as cool as it gets when you are 12.
* MST AGNIZING PERFRMANCE: I was prepared all day for the Indiana Hsiers season to end. In fact, I was prepared fr IU to get blwn ff the curt by UCLA. N, I did nt imagine that they wuld play as prly as they did in the first half, when they has abut as much chance to scre as The Shermanator at ne f Stifler’s parties, but, nnetheless, I was ready fr the year to cme to a clse and was perfectly kay with it. Thirteen pints in a full half f basketball? That’s bad. Real bad.
And then, with about six minutes to play in the game, the Hoosiers caught fire and reclaimed their ‘O’. Wilmont drilled a three. Calloway canned one from the right wing, Heck, even Lance Stemler, who seemingly had not hit a long-range jumper since it was discovered that certain Taco Bells on Long Island were making their taco supremes with meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and a special new ingredient… e-coli, knocked down a pair. And the next thing I knew, the game was tied 49-49 with under one minute to play.
Of course, IU was unable to close the deal and, despite the valiant comeback, their season ended anyway. Is there anything worse that starting off expecting absolutely nothing, having your hopes raised, actually beginning to believe that victory is possible, yet, ultimately, ending up a loser? Whether it is better to come close or just get absolutely destroyed like the Springfield pee-wee football team with Bart playing quarterback is an age-old argument, but I have always subscribed to the relatively unpopular opinion that it is better to just get blown out from the beginning and not have to deal with the inevitable nervous energy that comes with a close game. I guess it comes from being a Cubs fan and having a total lack of experience with the “It’s better to be dumped by the hot girl than never to have dated her at all.” She was too busy with Doug Simpson, Zack Morris and all the other big men on campus.
* WORST COACHING JOB: Branch McCracken has been dead since before Jimi Hendrix mistook a jar of barbiturates for jelly beans and Janis Joplin stopped having sex with complete strangers long enough to inject herself with a lethal dose of heroin. Mike Davis probably would have either called in sick, tried to bring Bracey Wright back from the Albanian league, or would have run out onto the middle of the court complaining about how the world hated him. Bob Knight would have simply choked one player, stuffed another in a garbage can, and thrown a chair at a third. That said, I am more than pleased that Kelvin Sampson is the current coach of the Indiana Hoosiers (of course, there is also that whole Eric Gordon thing).
That said, his coaching in IU’s loss to UCLA left a lot to be desired. First, from my vantage point, point guard Earl Calloway was able to get to the rim whenever he wanted, yet the Hoosiers’ offense did not exploit this fact and IU settled for poor shot after poor shot. Second, his ill-advised, Webber-esque use of IU’s timeouts left Stemler without the ability to call timeout when he could not inbound the ball with 26 seconds left to play and Indiana trailing by two. Third, and most egregious was his apparent unwillingness to intentionally foul the man otherwise known as nature’s living evidence that the NCAA should allow certain players to wear the famous mask from the movie Scream at all times while on the court -- Lorenzo Mata, a 30-something percent free throw shooter. Those with whom I watched the game reminded me that such an “automatic foul” strategy is never employed and would not work anyway, but I would now remind them that the Hoosiers lost the game anyway. Why not try thinking outside the box? Who knows what would have happened?
* WORST DECISION: Joakim Noah meet Matt Leinart. Matt Leinart meet Joakim Noah. Now both of you, please meet the man who signed the guy who sang "Rico Suave" to a recording contract. And, no, Paris Hilton has nothing to do with any of this. One year ago, Noah was the talk of the town and the possible #1 overall pick in the NBA Draft. Today, on the other hand, he is just an “energy guy” with a stupid hairdo. This season, his on-the-court weaknesses have become more obvious than the fact that Lindsay Lohan got a boob job and the NBA scouts are no longer fooled. Now, please do not shed a tear for Noah. After all, with his enthusiasm and height, he is still fairly certain to have an NBA career. Perhaps he can borrow Jack Haley’s old suits. Maybe he can ask Viktor Khryapa whether you actually have to wear a uniform under your warmups when your chances of getting into the game are equal to the chances that a cast member on the Real World will not end up sleeping with someone else in the house. In other word’s, enjoy your second title big guy and have fun “playing it big all day and all night” (whatever the heck that means), because your NBA career is likely to last about as long as Rico Sauve’s time at the top.
* WORST DECISION PART DEUX: Kentucky replaced Tubby with Billy Gillispie. Gillispie is an outstanding coach and will likely do fairly well in the Bluegrass State, but I have two words for Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart…Ashley Judd. Think the boys in blue wouldn’t be interested in instruct them on how to hand check without getting in trouble, not to mention how to execute an effective double team?
* WORST CAREER MOVE: Something tells me that Tubby Smith did not really have a choice when he left Lexington for Minneapolis. Otherwise, someone please tell our friend Orlando to stop hanging out with Jeff Spicoli, Slater from “Dazed and Confused,” and Wonka when he developed that television thingy. Leaving the Wildcats to coach the Golden Gophers is like quitting your job as the pool boy at the Playboy mansion to clean toilets at the Snapple lady’s house. Does he realize that Kevin McHale graduated in 1980? Does he know that Minnesota is to the Big Ten what The ‘burbs is to Tom Hanks’ filmography? Does he realize that the Walsh family ditched the Land of 10,000 Lakes for Beverly Hills way back in 1990?
Anyway you slice it…bad, bad move. Kind of like picking up a hitchhiker who is carrying a chainsaw….even if he does have Bud Light.
*MOST CONFUSING RESULT: Yes…I know that Florida was the defending champion and the #1 overall seed in the tournament. Yes, I realize that a #16 seed has never beaten a #1. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that most experts, so-called-experts, semi-experts and wanna-be experts figured that Jackson State had about as much chance of beating Florida as Kramer had in lasting more than six hours in “The Contest.” But, after considering all of the factors -- as a Chicago Bears’ fan -- I really thought that the Tigers would knock off the mighty Gators. I mean, how can a school that is responsible for icon Walter Payton possibly lose to a school that unleashed Rex the Wonder Dog on the world? Oh yeah... Erin Andrews. For further reference, unless the Random Thoughts Hottie #1 decides to pursue an undergraduate education, the University of Florida will continue to kick everyone’s ass.
* TEAM MOST DESERVING OF A HOLIDAY GIFT: We should thank the Irish for all of the wonderful things that they have gifted on the world. St. Patrick’s Day, pints of Guinness, U2, and Seamus Finnegan, not to mention the smokin’ hot violin player of The Corrs. But, nobody should send the Irish a larger holiday gift this year than then-coach Todd Lickliter and the Butler Bulldogs. Butler made a nice run to the Sweet 16 and actually put a scare into Erin Andrews University, but, looking back, the only reason they were even in the tournament was because of an early-season victory over Notre Dame. You see, Butler was chosen as an at-large thanks to non-conference wins over the Irish, Indiana, Tennessee, and the Little Overrated School in the Northwest. And they never would have even played the Hoosiers, Vols, or Zags if they had not beaten Notre Dame. Milhouse once warned Itchy to look out because the suspect-looking figure headed in his direction was Irish. And you know what they say… the House always wins.
* BEST IMPRESSION OF DAVE CORZINE: When the bearded Corzine played for the Bulls in the early 1980’s, the over-under on missed layups in a game was six, which begs the question, did KU coach Bill Self hire him as shooting coach before the Jayhawks’ Regional Final matchup with UCLA? Kansas has had many nicknames since the inception of the Random Thoughts and it appears as though they have officially retired the “Team Who Must Not Be Named” moniker and moved on. Thanks to their Corzine-ish performance against the Bruins, I cannot help but now refer to them as “The Team Who Must Not Shoot The Ball From Within Four Feet Of The Rim.” If only Acie Iv had gone to KU…
Wait a minute…never mind. Calling Iv “Mr. Clutch” after his crucial missed layup in the final minute of Texas A&M’s Sweet Sixteen loss to Memphis is like calling former Durham County District Attorney Michael Nifong “Mr. Ethics” or referring to Steve Garvey and Shawn Kemp as the Celibacy Twins.
* MOST UNSELFISH/ GENEROUS: I am going to have to ask Illinois and Virginia Tech to share this prestigious award. The way those two teams were trying to give one another the game reminded me of the Brady boys when they came to the conclusion that the Hawaiian tiki idol was, in fact, cursed. In fact, those sitting courtside reported the following conversation:
Illini Player: Who do you think should win this game?
Hokie Player: You go ahead and win it. I’ll tell you what…I will even miss every free throw to help you out.
Illini Player: No, no, you guys should win. We’ll even turn the ball over on every possession in the last four minutes to help.
Hokie Player: No, I really want you to win. Here…take the ball.
Illini Player: I insist…you take it.
Hokie Player: No you.
Illini Player: You…
Hokie Player: You…
Illini Player: Look…just take the dang ball and win the game. I’ve got my arraignment on Sunday, anyway.
Heck, the way the Illini played, it almost appeared as though Coach Orange Coat owed Va Tech coach Seth Greenberg a Purim gift. Sheesh, next time just get him the Marge Schott autographed bagel slicer and have your team actually try and win the game.
* BEST PROP: VCU coach Anthony Grant introduced “The Chain” during the Colonial Athletic Conference tournament to remind his team that each player is connected to each other and to make sure that they always remember that the team goal is paramount. “The Chain,” which appears to weigh more than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen combined (even after a visit to the Old Country Buffet, yet before their inevitable trip to the restroom – I think I may have used that one before), received more airtime during the Rams’ two tournament games than the brats from American Idol receive in a month and only slightly less than Sarah Wood received during Game Five of the 2003 National League Division Series (let’s not even mention the airtime given to Brady Quinn’s sister/ A.J. Hawk’s girlfriend during the 2005 Fiesta Bowl). And what appeared to most to be a seemingly innocent prop probably played a significant role in VCU’s stirring comeback against Pitt. After all, you have to imagine that Aaron Gray freaked out when he saw it and immediately began having flashbacks to those long days chained to a boiler in Dr. Frankenstein’s basement before finally being perfected and let loose to provide America’s long-awaited answer to Uwe Blab. And the rest of the Pittsburgh team had to be at least a little concerned that Gray would not be able to hold it together given the circumstances and would run amok through the city like Lard Lad after Homer stole his colossal donut and a freak storm accidentally brought him and his advertising friends to life. Frankly, now that I think about it… I cannot believe that Pitt actually won.
* BIGGEST IDIOT: Seth Davis. What, you need an explanation? Okay, fine. Seth Davis is an idiot. Happy now?
* BEST RESULT: Bob Knight lost. Hooray. What’s even better is the fact that it now seems to be becoming a habit (when his team actually makes the tournament, that is). Kind of like throwing potted plants and secretaries and embarrassing your employer.
* MOST TELLING GRAPHIC: Occasionally, CBS will use what is known in the business as a graphics frame template during their broadcasts (okay, I actually made that up, but you have gotta admit that it sounds pretty authentic). Basically, when the network wants to display stats they will “frame” the information with a border. I’m sure that most of you have an idea what I am talking about. Well, during this year’s tournament, they utilized “floating” words in the frame, and their choice of words was quite interesting… CBS? That makes sense, gotta pimp the network so everyone is sure to tune in to The New Adventures of Old Christine, which it turns out are not half as interesting as the old adventures of new Christine or the new adventures of Pacman Jones (sure to be coming to Fox in the near future). NCAA? Okay, it makes sense to pay tribute to the “student-athlete” organization that runs the whole thing. Madness? Gotta be there for obvious reasons. ACC? What? Excuse me? Does Billy P-acc-ker really have that much power? Why don’t they just put a permanent smiling picture of Mike Kryzewski in the corner and put an end to the “we don’t favor the ACC more than anyone else” charade?
Oh yeah, ESPN already owns the rights to Coach K…
* TOUGHEST TASK: Stanford was scheduled to play the early game on Thursday in Lexington, Kentucky. The game tipped at 12:15 local time, which means that it was only 9:15 in the morning in Palo Alto when they had to take the court. In my opinion, it is a little unfair to ask a bunch of guys who are accustomed to discussing the virtues of Trotsky, researching possible cures for cancer, and designing new “graphics frame templates” at that time in the morning to go out and chase Rick Pitino’s gang up and down the court. Now, I am not suggesting that the early start is responsible for the Cardinal’s dreadful play. As we all know, it was clearly a lack of toughness. [snicker]
* BEST MATCHUP OF PLAYER FROM OVERRATED MID-MAJOR TEAMS WHO SHARE IDENTICAL INITIALS: Nevada played Creighton in the first round in a matchup of star players who share the same initials. I know you all are wondering... is such a “same initial” matchup really that rare in sports? Not necessarily when you consider that in the past we have enjoyed matchups featuring Michael Jordan versus Magic Johnson and Mickey Mantle versus Mike Morgan (Morgan was around back then, wasn’t he?), but what is really odd is the fact that both players have the obscure initials “NF.” With the exception of Nellie Fox and journeyman pitcher Nelson Figueroa, I challenge you to name me another known athlete with the initials “NF.” Kinda weird, huh?
And while Nate Funk is fresh in our minds, let me say that I, for one, am hoping with all my might that Nate makes the NBA. After all, playing “We Got the Funk” in an 80% empty arena in Sioux Falls or Bakersfield just does not have the same effect as blasting through an NA Arena. Well, at least the amazingly overrated Fazekas and Brian Randle will be able to enjoy it.
* WORST CALL: The last time Georgetown made the Final Four, Mike Tyson was a gapped-tooth, wide-eyed, promise-filled 18-year old whose whole life was ahead of him, Michael Jackson was still a man and was preparing to head “We Are the World, and Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan and Captain Lou Albano were trying to save Rock ‘n’ Roll from the evil clutches of Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper. The Hoyas finally made their return in ’07 thanks to a blatant missed travel on Jeff Green’s game winning shot versus Vanderbilt in the Sweet Sixteen. Did Green actually travel? In my mind, ... absolutely. But, should we really have expected the refs to call it? This is Georgetown, after all, and calling traveling on Georgetown is like calling a push-off on Michael Jordan or flagging the New England secondary for pass interference. Ain’t gonna happen. See you later, Kevin Stallings. Enjoy Nashville and if you se Faith Hill, please give her my number.
* BEST NAME: I suspect that most of you paid closer attention to whether Denis Arkhipov could reach the illusive 10-goal plateau and were more concerned with Valerie Bertinelli’s soaring weight than you were with the women’s NCAA Tournament, so let me be the first to introduce you to Ole Miss guard Ashley Awkward. Ashley may have only averaged 4.3 points per game but was a key cog in the Rebels’ run to the Elite Eight. Hey, wait a minute! Now, I think I remember her! Wasn’t she a Garbage Pail Kid? I think I got her in a pack once with Eliott Mess, Bloody Flo, and Bald Brittney. Cracked a tooth on the gum too.***
* BIGGEST CHOKE JOB: As long as we are talking about the women’s NCAA Tournament, let’s not neglect to mention Lindsey Harding’s two missed free throws in the Duke Lady Blue Devils’ 53-52 loss to Rutgers. Harding, a 75% free throw shooter and the ACC player of the year, missed two from the charity stripe with 0.1 seconds remaining on the clock, effectively sealing Duke’s faith. I realize that she missed the two most important shots of the game, I recognize that Duke allowed Rutgers to shoot 57% in the second half, and I am fully aware that the Devilettes turned the ball over 16 times, but can you believe that foul call on Wanisha Smith with 13 minutes to go in the first half? Talk about an anti-Duke conspiracy… Man, someone better call former New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison and Harvard Professor Robert Langdon. We have got to start an investigation.
* MOST EYE-POPPING STAT: The lady Devils committed seven fouls for the entire game. Huh… I guess we better leave Garrison in the ground and let Professor Langdon continue trying to bring down the Catholic church. Given the lack of fouls on Duke and the fact that they were playing the lovely young, proper ladies from Rutgers, one must wonder whether Don Imus was one of the three officials.
* BEST NEWS: There are only 341 days or roughly 8184 hours, 491,040 minutes, or 29,462,400 seconds until we get to do it all over again.
Have a terrific night/ week/ month/ year/ decade ... heck, who knows when I will be back?
***Believe it or not, the Garbage Pail Kids are still alive and kicking (except perhaps for Disgustin’ Justin and Oozy Susie, I never did figure that the two of them would make it). In fact, the company that has produced Garbage Pail Kids cards since they first hit shelves in 1985, Topps Trading Card Co. recently released an all-new series. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive confirmation regarding whether the 2007 series includes “Big Baby Bruce,” “Mangled-Arm Mark,” and, everyone’s favorite, “Nappy Headed Ho Holly.” Oh crap, there goes my gig with MSNBC!
Who are your favorite Garbage Pail Kids? Let me know by posting a comment. The most creative one gets nothing. That's right. Nothing.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Our House...Which Is Where We Used to Meet...
Before we continue our look at how things stand in the world of college basketball only ten days before the field of 65 is announced, I'd like to make a quick mention of Bobby Jenks' shoulder injury. Various media outlets have reported that Jenks left yesterday's Cactus League opener with tightness in his shoulder after facing only two batters. The big question is...exactly how did the injury occur?
Look, everyone is going to believe whatever it is they want to believe. For example, if it really makes him feel better, Kenny Williams should feel free to believe that Bobby simply overthrew a curveball and, if it helps him sleep through the night, Ozzie should not hesitate to convince himself that this is just another example of the normal aches and pains that every pitcher suffers through during spring training. And Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark, Bruuuuuuuuce Levine and others can wax poetic about how Bobby's injury is the result of his having been thrown immediately into the fray after months of sitting on the couch and doing nothing but eating cheesy poofs and snaky cakes while watching reruns of Smokey and the Bandit.
You, the loyal readers of the RT know better though, don't you? For you, Hector, Michael and Tiffani (especially you, Tiffani), I have some bad news. The sheriff is at the door and the summons is in the mail.
Anyway, let's get back to the Madness! [throw arms in the air and shake wildly]
MID AMERICAN CONFERENCE
Big Questions
1. If the NBA had adopted a rule prohibiting players from playing in the league until after they had spent four years in college, would Akron be a legitimate title contender? Unfortunately for the denizens of the birthplace of Quaker Oats and Alcoholics Anonymous, the answer is... no. A lot of "experts" truly believe that native son LeBron James would have attended school at Akron, but the RT remains more than a little skeptical. Akron University certainly is a nice little school, but what do they really have to offer? You know that Kentucky would have sent a briefcase of money, Jimmy Collins would have offered $80,000 and a shiny new Chevy Blazer, and UCLA would have proffered up the ultimate temptation... a date with Victoria (if you do not remember the Victoria story, please see the post from March 7, 2006... it's worth the trip). And can you imagine the free shoes that would have been offered? We're talking Converse Weapons, Nike Air Flight Max, Reebox Skywalkers,and those really cool black, red and white Air Jordans from the 80's. Heck, the University of Kansas City-Missouri probably would have dangled a pair of circa 1984 KangaROOS. Akron, on the other hand, likely could not have enticed King James with anything more than a ratty old pair of Zips.
2. If the MAC boasts Western Michigan University, Eastern Michigan University and Central Michigan University, why isn't there a Southern Michigan or Northern Michigan? The answer is really rather simple... because Notre Dame's non-conference schedule was already full.
Projection: The Rockets will please that little Asian kid from the mid-80's commercial who reminded everyone that United Airlines flies also to Toe-Lee-doh, Oh-high-oh (please, someone remember this...)
MID CONTINENT CONFERENCE
Big Question
1. Perchance, young chap...do you kindly believe that a tournament triumph shall be ours and fabulous glory shall be bestowed upon thy Gentlemen from Centenary University? A: I am sorry to inform you Sir Rutherford Beckley Rockefeller, but the students at Centenary who are expecting the gents to go dancin' this year, will be as disappointed as the Fresh Prince when he asked his mom for Adidas and she bought him Zips. And can you believe that the girl he picked up was actually a 12-year old runaway?
Projection: Oral Roberts won at ICBTGOAGADFTU this season and has a fair amount of talent. Alums Kathie Lee Gifford and Ned Flanders will be pleased.
MEAC
Big Question
1. Why does Hampton University insist on having a Pirate as its mascot? I guess for the same reason that Britney Spears still has a hairbrush and a bunch of idiots decided to name their establishment Ruth's Chris Steakhouse... to confuse the heck out of everyone. Regardless of what it says on their official website, on the front of their uniforms and in their locker room, I know Hampton's nickname is actually the Clams and you know their nickname is actually the Clams. Now, we just have to convince the administration.
Projection: Clams, Pirates, Woodpeckers, Hampsters, Roads, Inns, Dans... it simply does not matter what Hampton calls themselves. Regardless, they will be watching as the Hornets of Delaware State celebrate a conference title and trip to the Dance.
BTW, does anyone actually know what Ruth's Chris Steakhouse means?
MISSOURI VALLEY
Cause I'm a Dancin', Dancin', Dancin', Dancin' Machine
* Southern Illinois (24-5; Conference Champs, #5 RPI)
Bubble
* Creighton (Swept Missouri State and Bradley; Beat Xavier OOC; 13-5 in MVC)
* Missouri State (Resume looks similar to last year's when they were relegated to the NIT; neutral court OOC win over Wisconsin looks great)
Big Questions
1. Exactly how good is Southern Illinois? It's tough to say. Their best OOC wins came against hot/cold Virginia Tech and overrated Butler (albeit on the Bulldogs' home court) and they whiffed in opportunities against IU and Arkansas. They have a veteran-laden team that plays in your-face-defense, but, like Jon Fabreau's character in Swingers, they often have trouble scoring. I don't see them as a Final Four contender, but (and it pains me to say this) the Salukis are definitely capable of winning a few games the first weekend.
2. Why did Evansville do away with the sleeves and switch to tank tops like everyone else? It's simple...peer pressure. Greg Brady gave cigarette smoking a try, Sandy let Frenchy pierce her ears, and Bart stole the head of Jebidiah Springfield (although, technically, that was more to impress). Evansville has just proven that they are weak. Terribly weak.
3. So, how exactly can Bradley win the Conference Tournament? It's really quite simple. Braves coach Jim Les, are you listening? It is essentially a 8-step process. (1) Go down North University Street until you get to West Bradley Avenue. (2) Make a left onto Institute Place and enter a residential section. (3) I can't tell you the exact apartment number, but I believe the name of the complex is "Joe-Bag-O-Donuts Village." Look for the mailbox with the name "Nicky Potato Salad." (4) In the third bedroom on the right, look in the false ceiling in the closet. There you will find Erdman's old porn collection. (5) Distribute to the opposing team's players the night before the game to sap their energy. (6) Win. (7) Celebrate with a trip to Big Al's. (8) Tell Silky Sue that Todd sends his regards.
Projection: Oh crudballs! Patrick O'Bryant already found Erdman's copy of "Suzie Slut Sees Her Doctor" and "Foxy Felicia Feels Fabulous Felix." Looks like it is party time for the Missouri State Bears. The Bears' win sends them to the Dance as the third team out of the Valley with SIU and Creighton. Billy PACCker weeps, wondering why Wake Forest was, like Macauley Caulkin as Kevin McCallister, left home.
MOUNTAIN WEST
Everybody Dance Now! Duh...Duh...Duh, Duh, Duh
* UNLV (RPI#12, won at Nevada, Texas Tech; 11-4 in conference)
* Air Force (Worse resume than "experts" portray; may actually qualify more as a bubble team, but I learned my lesson last year)
* BYU (Outright conference leaders; did NOTHING OOC)
Bubble
* San Diego State (Coming on strong. I can't imagine that they actually lost Tuesday night against a terrible Utah team, but let me check the scores just in case... Whoops! So long Steve Fisher. Take your autographed photo of Rumeal Robinson and enjoy the NIT)
Big Questions
1. Does Air Force have enough left to make a second straight appearance in the Tournament? Physically... yes. Mentally... maybe. Financially... um, no. The Air Force is spread awfully thin right now. Their presence is needed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and potentially in North Korea, not to mention the always-possible need to join Captain Steve Hiller and Harry Connick Jr. in stopping the aliens from taking over our cities (and I'm willing to bet that trips to Big Al's, have now replaced smoking cigars as the preferred way to celebrate). So, no... unlike last year, Air Force does not have enough cash left over to take care of all nine committee members.
(For the official record, I do believe that the Falcons will be in the Field of 65. They just may have to offer free joy rides in stealth bombers and things like that).
2. How can youngsters who play for Wyoming and Colorado State expect to compete against BYU? Many teams in the Mountain West have found out that it is not an easy task. You send out fresh-faced 18 and 19 year olds, who think that Dr. Dre (the pot-smoking one, not the fat guy from MTV), Coolio and 3rd Rock From the Sun are old school, and the Cougars send out guys who have been on a "mission" and believe that Huey Lewis & The News and Growing Pains are old school (and possibly even a few guys who think that Tony Orlando and I Love Lucy are old school). BYU will be dancin' and it will be necessary for whatever team faces them in the first round to find a way to steal their geritol to counteract the "experience" difference.
3. Does any team in the MWC have a player with a name that is as cool as Fennis Dembo? Not quite, but BYU does have a Brock Zylstra and a Vuk Ivanovic; UNLV has a Wink Adams and a Gaston Essengue (hey, isn't that the guy from Beauty and the Beast who wanted to marry Belle?); San Diego State has a Jer'Vaughn Johnson; Wyoming has a Bienvenu Songondo; Utah has a Misha Radojevic (god bless the Euros for sending such talent); and TCU has a Martiese Morones and a Femi Ibikunle (you too, Africa!). And Colorado State has four guys named Smith but none of them are related.
Projection: Heck, these teams are all mediocre. The conference tournament is in Vegas, so I will go with the Runnin' Rebels to get the automatic bid and Air Force and BYU to join them in getting fitted for dancing shoes. After all, I will take a Kevin Kruger over a Femi, Bienvenu and Vuk anyday. And unlike Belle (and Tim Hardaway), I am okay with a guy named Gaston.
NORTHEAST
Big Question
1. Is there a university anywhere, let alone the Northeast Conference, with a cooler name than Wagner? Make fun all you want, but I do not see any Chiet, Grabiner, Piscopo, Schulman, Farrington, McCarty, or thewife universities out there. There is a Simon Fraser, but, unless they change their name to Simon Newman, it does not count. So, yes, Wagner is the coolest name for a university, although the basketball teams sucks and some guy named Eric Central Connecticut State strenuously objects to my conclusion.
Projection: Party on, Eric. Your Blue Devils will be playing in Dayton on Tuesday, March 13.
OHIO VALLEY
Big Question
1. Samford is not a bad name for a university, but where did his son go? I guess, the same place Mr. King went when Mrs. King met the scarecrow and the "of doom" went when Temple came up with its name. Yes, I know it was Sanford with an 'n' and I appreciate that Mrs. King was divorced. Thanks for ruining my fun. Jerk.
Projection: Austin Peay fans have not been this excited since the Governors beat Illinois in 1987 and Dick Vitale had to stand on his head. They may not have Fly Williams anymore, nor a classic chant ("Open the Fly, Let's Go Peay!), but Austin Peay will be the OVC's representative in the tournament.
PAC 10
Let's Dance...Put on Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues
* UCLA (Phenomenal resume will get Bruins #1 seed)
* Washington State (23-5, 12-4 in Pac 10; swept 'Zona and won at USC; poor OOC, though)
* Arizona (Top-15 RPI; OOC wins over Memphis, UNLV, Louisville, Illinois)
* USC (conference record of 11-5; swept 'Zona and won at Oregon; Not much OOC; questionable RPI of 51; hot cheerleaders)
* Oregon (22-7; 12-0 OOC; beat Georgetown; swept Wash St.)
Bubble
* Stanford (RPI is troubling at #45; beat UCLA, Wash St, and won at UVA; lost to Santa Clara and Steve Nash did not play)
Big Questions
1. Is that really Tim Floyd roaming the sidelines for USC? Yep, it certainly is Jerry Krause's fishing buddy in the baggy shirt and crooked tie. The Trojans hired Tim in 2005, after numerous coaches turned USC down. Paul Westhead refused to leave the Phoenix Mercury, Kevin Loughery said he was much too busy with his new endeavor -- the Chicago Shamrox, and USC boosters were unable to break Stan Albeck out of his rehabilitation center. Further, Doug Collins turned down the job after the university was unwilling to give him Reggie Bush's old house and Phil Jackson declined to even interview unless any potential deal included unfettered access to the chancellor's daughter. It's all worked out for USC, though, as Floyd has the ultra-athletic Trojans potentially primed for a run in the NCAA, as long as the California undergrads don't come up with another diabolical scheme to destroy Gabe Pruitt's focus (I told you...see March 7, 2006!).
2. Can Washington State make noise in the Pac 10 and NCAA Tournaments? Anytime your coach is named Tony Bennett, no one will doubt that you can make noise... beautiful noise. Singing, however, is not likely to get the job done. The Cougars would be better served to stick with what has worked for them so far this year and just continue to lull everyone to sleep with their boring, methodical play. It may not be very much fun to watch, but it has been effective so far and there is little reason to think that it won't be in the postseason. Good night. Pleasant dreams.
3. Can Oregon trust Aaron Brooks to put the team on his shoulders and carry them far into March? Are you kidding me? Have you seen this guy play? Twenty-five interceptions and only sixteen TDs in the last two years! Boneheaded play after boneheaded play! Stupidity that reminds people of the glorious Henry Burris experiment! Oh! You mean the point guard for Oregon. Oh yeah, he's good.
Projection: Stanford joins the other five locks in the Dance giving the Pac 10 six total bids. UCLA is a true national title contender
PATRIOT
Big Question
1. Will Corey Dillon return to the team next year? A: I'd say no. New England knows that they have a future superstar in Lawrence Mulroney and Dillon's skills have been deteriorating the past couple of years. Rumor has it that he can only carry two stolen TVs out of an apartment now, whereas, in his days as a Bengal, he was able to carry four or even five if it meant Rudi Johnson would come down with an ankle injury.
Projection: I'd list the current odds as follows: Patriots: 20-1; Another NFL Team: 10-1; California Penal League: 1-2. Crud, I did it again, didn't I? Better go with Holy Cross.
SOUTHEASTERN COFERENCE
Hey Macarena! Hoy!
* Florida (Struggling recently but still has a terrific resume, overall. Likely a #1 or #2)
* Vanderbilt (Swept Kentucky, beat Tenn and Erin Andrews University; 10-5 in SEC)
* Kentucky (Resume is good, but not great; Win over Tenn and OOC victories over IU and at Louisville)
* Tennessee (RPI #8; struggles on road, Star Chris Lofton did not play in a few of their losses)
Bubble
* Alabama (20-9 is not bad, but 7-8 in SEC West is; No signature win)
* Arkansas (RPI poor at #57; likely to enter Selection Sunday with at least 13 losses; did sweep Bama and has OOC neutral court wins over SIU and West Virginia)
* Georgia (Leading scorer Mike Mercer done for season; 19-11 screams NIT; 3-8 on road)
* Ole Miss and Mississippi State (No and No)
Big Question
1. Not a question, but rather a public service announcement... If you happen to find the Gators' enthusiasm, energy and intensity, please forward to Billy Donovan, unless you are Billy Paccker, in which case, you should forward it to Billy Dunavan. And if you happen to see Steve Alford walking down the street, please steal his industrial strength bottle of hairspray and send that along as well. Thank you.
2. Was Vanderbilt offended by the RT's allegation that Will Perdue works at Wal-Mart? Yes and they want everyone to know the truth. Will does not work at Wal-Mart. Rather, he is now gainfully employed at K-Mart (the store, not the former Cincinnati Bearcat).
3. Who is the RT's favorite Wildcat? I have got to go with either Cerulo for his inhuman ability to smash his head into a locker or Phillip Finch for his inhuman ability to eat 238 twinkies in a single sitting. Oh, you meant, Kentucky Wildcat? Ashley Judd, then.
BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION
4. What was more shocking, Bruce Pearl's uncovered hairy chest painted orange or Pat Summitt in a cheerleading outfit? Wow...tough question. Both coaches have legitimate chances to take their teams far into the tournament and both have shown unrivaled school spirit. I have to go with Pearl, due to the pure fact that the visual made me and millions like me, terribly queasy. So queasy, in fact, Jimmy Collins has offered Bruce a brand new Chevy Blazer to never do that again (see, it all ties together). Now, let's see Peyton Manning sing a duet with LeeAnn Rimes. That would be shocking!
Projection: Alabama is one of the toughest teams to predict. The Tide has tremendous talent, however, and it says here that they make a little run in the SEC Tournament and join the other four locks in the dance. Forrest Gump will be so proud.
SOUTHERN CONFERENCE
Bubble
* Appalachian State (21-6 with OOC wins over Virginia, VCU and Vanderbilt; Lost to Furman and Elon. Elon!)
* Davidson (17-1 in conference and 24-4 overall; same number of top-100 RPI wins as Adams College and Adams college has Betty Childs).
Big Question
* Is it really possible for the Southern Conference to get two bids to the Tournament? Unfortunately, I do not think so. Appalachian State has the better OOC resume, but Davidson finished a full two games ahead of the Mountaineers in conference. And Davidson is hampered by the "Alpha Beta Rule." Simply stated, any team that has the same number of quality wins as the team coached by John Goodman and quarterbacked by Stan Gable is not allowed in the Dance as an at-large... ever. Yes, comparing football to basketball is like comparing apples to oranges. I already told you to stop ruining my fun. Ultra-jerk.
Projection: Davidson versus Appalachian State will be a great game in the Southern Conference Tournament final. I like Appalachian State to pull off the victory after the Davidson team bus has an unfortunate run-in with Ogre on its way the the arena.
SOUTHLAND
Big Question
1. Will the entire Northwestern State team grow afros in time for their Southland Conference Tournament game in hopes of capturing last season's postseason magic? A:It is simply not possible. Jared Stevenson, Michael McConathy and John Anthony Anglin are all white and guard Jermaine Spencer is still traumatized by the really bad experience he had while getting a haircut from Ice Cube who was overly concerned about whether he should sell the barbershop or not. And if you think that is bad, teammate Demetrius Bell refuses to even talk about what happened to him when he tried to get his hair cut at a Queens, New York barbershop. Thus far, all he has done is mutter something about Rocky Marciano beating Joe Louis' ass and tell jokes about finding a fly in your soup. So, unless the Demons recruit Julius Erving from his ABA days, Neil Diamond from his Song Sung Blue days, and Jimmie Walker from his J.J. days, it ain't gonna happen. Dy-no-mite!
Projection: Sam Houston State upsets Northwestern State and wins the Southland title after Foxxy Cleopatra (that's Beyonce in Austin Powers, folks) refuses to play for the Demons and Sam Houston comes out with guns-a-blazin'. Gus Johnson, calling the Sam Houston game for CBS, immediately asks, "What in the heck is a Bearkat and where did the guy who came up with that spelling graduate from? Libscomb?"
SUN BELT
Big Question
Ahhhh... we have a guest who would like to answer a question. Hello Chris Marcus. How is life as the world's largest movie usher? Great, now what is your question?
1. What can we do to get Grimace (aka Big Red) into the NCAA Tournament? A: Look, I love the Hilltopper as much as anyone. Anyone who has seen my napkin drawing of the lovable guy will attest to that. But let's hold on just a second. Doesn't everyone want to have a chance to chant "USA! USA! USA!" without having to listen to Al Michaels in the background? Thanks for the question Chris. Now go back to Russia.
Projection: You there, tubby, please go get Mike Eurozione. And you in the green shirt, but down your Guinness and go get Jack O'Callahan. Tell Jim Craig we've got a keg. Dig up the bones of Herb Brooks. Now all together... USA! USA! USA!
(That's the University of South Alabama for those of you who are really confused).
SWAC
Big Question
1. Never mind. Enjoy the play-in game.
Projection: Uh...um...uh...let's see. Uh... Oh, boy. Walter Payton went to Jackson State.
WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer...
* Nevada (25-2 overall; ten top-100 RPI wins, but none of them are top-50)
Big Question
1. With Nevada the favorite to win the WAC Tournament, are there any sleeper teams that the Wolfpack need to be afraid of? A: Oh yeah. How about the Boise State Broncos? Nevada may build up a big lead and things may look bleak for BSU, but just when Nick Fazekas appears ready to dump the Gatorade over coach Mark Fox's head, the Broncos are apt to pull-out some razzle, dazzle to shock the world. We are talking crazy stuff. Stuff like the Harlem Globetrotters weave, the Phoenix Gorilla's trampoline jump and, if they can get away with it, the 15-point MTV Rock 'n' Jock basket. And, if you do not believe me, give Bob Stoops a call.
No engagements though, please.
Projection: Hold the Gatorade, boys. Nevada may be going dancing, but they will get in via an at-large bid. Playing on their home court, Reggie Theus' New Mexico State Aggies will upset the Wolfpack and steal the automatic bid. No confirmation yet regarding whether Orlando Woolridge, Crash Mengelt, and Dave Corzine will be there to witness it.
WEST COACH CONFERENCE
Bubble
* The Overrated Little School in the Northwest (Poor RPI of 69; killer non-conference schedule; did beat UNC)
Big Question
1. Now that Adam Morrison is shooting 38.2% from the field in the NBA, does the RT still dislike the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are very few things that you can always count on. John Madden will always mention Brett Favre. During every IU game that he calls, Dick Vitale will always rant and rave about how Indiana should name the court at the real Assembly Hall after Bob Knight. Rex Grossman will ALWAYS suck. And, like Hawk Harrelson and A.J. Pierzynski, the RT will always hate the Overrated Little School in the Northwest.
Projection: Time to go out on a limb. How about the University of San Francisco? As mentioned earlier, #2 seed Santa Clara no longer has Steve Nash and Pepperdine won't get to don headbands and play a Bob Knight coached team. As for the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Don't worry...I'm sure that Ron Santo will let you borrow some of his kleenex.
Enjoy the Madness everyone!!!!!
See you next week...
Look, everyone is going to believe whatever it is they want to believe. For example, if it really makes him feel better, Kenny Williams should feel free to believe that Bobby simply overthrew a curveball and, if it helps him sleep through the night, Ozzie should not hesitate to convince himself that this is just another example of the normal aches and pains that every pitcher suffers through during spring training. And Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark, Bruuuuuuuuce Levine and others can wax poetic about how Bobby's injury is the result of his having been thrown immediately into the fray after months of sitting on the couch and doing nothing but eating cheesy poofs and snaky cakes while watching reruns of Smokey and the Bandit.
You, the loyal readers of the RT know better though, don't you? For you, Hector, Michael and Tiffani (especially you, Tiffani), I have some bad news. The sheriff is at the door and the summons is in the mail.
Anyway, let's get back to the Madness! [throw arms in the air and shake wildly]
MID AMERICAN CONFERENCE
Big Questions
1. If the NBA had adopted a rule prohibiting players from playing in the league until after they had spent four years in college, would Akron be a legitimate title contender? Unfortunately for the denizens of the birthplace of Quaker Oats and Alcoholics Anonymous, the answer is... no. A lot of "experts" truly believe that native son LeBron James would have attended school at Akron, but the RT remains more than a little skeptical. Akron University certainly is a nice little school, but what do they really have to offer? You know that Kentucky would have sent a briefcase of money, Jimmy Collins would have offered $80,000 and a shiny new Chevy Blazer, and UCLA would have proffered up the ultimate temptation... a date with Victoria (if you do not remember the Victoria story, please see the post from March 7, 2006... it's worth the trip). And can you imagine the free shoes that would have been offered? We're talking Converse Weapons, Nike Air Flight Max, Reebox Skywalkers,and those really cool black, red and white Air Jordans from the 80's. Heck, the University of Kansas City-Missouri probably would have dangled a pair of circa 1984 KangaROOS. Akron, on the other hand, likely could not have enticed King James with anything more than a ratty old pair of Zips.
2. If the MAC boasts Western Michigan University, Eastern Michigan University and Central Michigan University, why isn't there a Southern Michigan or Northern Michigan? The answer is really rather simple... because Notre Dame's non-conference schedule was already full.
Projection: The Rockets will please that little Asian kid from the mid-80's commercial who reminded everyone that United Airlines flies also to Toe-Lee-doh, Oh-high-oh (please, someone remember this...)
MID CONTINENT CONFERENCE
Big Question
1. Perchance, young chap...do you kindly believe that a tournament triumph shall be ours and fabulous glory shall be bestowed upon thy Gentlemen from Centenary University? A: I am sorry to inform you Sir Rutherford Beckley Rockefeller, but the students at Centenary who are expecting the gents to go dancin' this year, will be as disappointed as the Fresh Prince when he asked his mom for Adidas and she bought him Zips. And can you believe that the girl he picked up was actually a 12-year old runaway?
Projection: Oral Roberts won at ICBTGOAGADFTU this season and has a fair amount of talent. Alums Kathie Lee Gifford and Ned Flanders will be pleased.
MEAC
Big Question
1. Why does Hampton University insist on having a Pirate as its mascot? I guess for the same reason that Britney Spears still has a hairbrush and a bunch of idiots decided to name their establishment Ruth's Chris Steakhouse... to confuse the heck out of everyone. Regardless of what it says on their official website, on the front of their uniforms and in their locker room, I know Hampton's nickname is actually the Clams and you know their nickname is actually the Clams. Now, we just have to convince the administration.
Projection: Clams, Pirates, Woodpeckers, Hampsters, Roads, Inns, Dans... it simply does not matter what Hampton calls themselves. Regardless, they will be watching as the Hornets of Delaware State celebrate a conference title and trip to the Dance.
BTW, does anyone actually know what Ruth's Chris Steakhouse means?
MISSOURI VALLEY
Cause I'm a Dancin', Dancin', Dancin', Dancin' Machine
* Southern Illinois (24-5; Conference Champs, #5 RPI)
Bubble
* Creighton (Swept Missouri State and Bradley; Beat Xavier OOC; 13-5 in MVC)
* Missouri State (Resume looks similar to last year's when they were relegated to the NIT; neutral court OOC win over Wisconsin looks great)
Big Questions
1. Exactly how good is Southern Illinois? It's tough to say. Their best OOC wins came against hot/cold Virginia Tech and overrated Butler (albeit on the Bulldogs' home court) and they whiffed in opportunities against IU and Arkansas. They have a veteran-laden team that plays in your-face-defense, but, like Jon Fabreau's character in Swingers, they often have trouble scoring. I don't see them as a Final Four contender, but (and it pains me to say this) the Salukis are definitely capable of winning a few games the first weekend.
2. Why did Evansville do away with the sleeves and switch to tank tops like everyone else? It's simple...peer pressure. Greg Brady gave cigarette smoking a try, Sandy let Frenchy pierce her ears, and Bart stole the head of Jebidiah Springfield (although, technically, that was more to impress). Evansville has just proven that they are weak. Terribly weak.
3. So, how exactly can Bradley win the Conference Tournament? It's really quite simple. Braves coach Jim Les, are you listening? It is essentially a 8-step process. (1) Go down North University Street until you get to West Bradley Avenue. (2) Make a left onto Institute Place and enter a residential section. (3) I can't tell you the exact apartment number, but I believe the name of the complex is "Joe-Bag-O-Donuts Village." Look for the mailbox with the name "Nicky Potato Salad." (4) In the third bedroom on the right, look in the false ceiling in the closet. There you will find Erdman's old porn collection. (5) Distribute to the opposing team's players the night before the game to sap their energy. (6) Win. (7) Celebrate with a trip to Big Al's. (8) Tell Silky Sue that Todd sends his regards.
Projection: Oh crudballs! Patrick O'Bryant already found Erdman's copy of "Suzie Slut Sees Her Doctor" and "Foxy Felicia Feels Fabulous Felix." Looks like it is party time for the Missouri State Bears. The Bears' win sends them to the Dance as the third team out of the Valley with SIU and Creighton. Billy PACCker weeps, wondering why Wake Forest was, like Macauley Caulkin as Kevin McCallister, left home.
MOUNTAIN WEST
Everybody Dance Now! Duh...Duh...Duh, Duh, Duh
* UNLV (RPI#12, won at Nevada, Texas Tech; 11-4 in conference)
* Air Force (Worse resume than "experts" portray; may actually qualify more as a bubble team, but I learned my lesson last year)
* BYU (Outright conference leaders; did NOTHING OOC)
Bubble
* San Diego State (Coming on strong. I can't imagine that they actually lost Tuesday night against a terrible Utah team, but let me check the scores just in case... Whoops! So long Steve Fisher. Take your autographed photo of Rumeal Robinson and enjoy the NIT)
Big Questions
1. Does Air Force have enough left to make a second straight appearance in the Tournament? Physically... yes. Mentally... maybe. Financially... um, no. The Air Force is spread awfully thin right now. Their presence is needed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and potentially in North Korea, not to mention the always-possible need to join Captain Steve Hiller and Harry Connick Jr. in stopping the aliens from taking over our cities (and I'm willing to bet that trips to Big Al's, have now replaced smoking cigars as the preferred way to celebrate). So, no... unlike last year, Air Force does not have enough cash left over to take care of all nine committee members.
(For the official record, I do believe that the Falcons will be in the Field of 65. They just may have to offer free joy rides in stealth bombers and things like that).
2. How can youngsters who play for Wyoming and Colorado State expect to compete against BYU? Many teams in the Mountain West have found out that it is not an easy task. You send out fresh-faced 18 and 19 year olds, who think that Dr. Dre (the pot-smoking one, not the fat guy from MTV), Coolio and 3rd Rock From the Sun are old school, and the Cougars send out guys who have been on a "mission" and believe that Huey Lewis & The News and Growing Pains are old school (and possibly even a few guys who think that Tony Orlando and I Love Lucy are old school). BYU will be dancin' and it will be necessary for whatever team faces them in the first round to find a way to steal their geritol to counteract the "experience" difference.
3. Does any team in the MWC have a player with a name that is as cool as Fennis Dembo? Not quite, but BYU does have a Brock Zylstra and a Vuk Ivanovic; UNLV has a Wink Adams and a Gaston Essengue (hey, isn't that the guy from Beauty and the Beast who wanted to marry Belle?); San Diego State has a Jer'Vaughn Johnson; Wyoming has a Bienvenu Songondo; Utah has a Misha Radojevic (god bless the Euros for sending such talent); and TCU has a Martiese Morones and a Femi Ibikunle (you too, Africa!). And Colorado State has four guys named Smith but none of them are related.
Projection: Heck, these teams are all mediocre. The conference tournament is in Vegas, so I will go with the Runnin' Rebels to get the automatic bid and Air Force and BYU to join them in getting fitted for dancing shoes. After all, I will take a Kevin Kruger over a Femi, Bienvenu and Vuk anyday. And unlike Belle (and Tim Hardaway), I am okay with a guy named Gaston.
NORTHEAST
Big Question
1. Is there a university anywhere, let alone the Northeast Conference, with a cooler name than Wagner? Make fun all you want, but I do not see any Chiet, Grabiner, Piscopo, Schulman, Farrington, McCarty, or thewife universities out there. There is a Simon Fraser, but, unless they change their name to Simon Newman, it does not count. So, yes, Wagner is the coolest name for a university, although the basketball teams sucks and some guy named Eric Central Connecticut State strenuously objects to my conclusion.
Projection: Party on, Eric. Your Blue Devils will be playing in Dayton on Tuesday, March 13.
OHIO VALLEY
Big Question
1. Samford is not a bad name for a university, but where did his son go? I guess, the same place Mr. King went when Mrs. King met the scarecrow and the "of doom" went when Temple came up with its name. Yes, I know it was Sanford with an 'n' and I appreciate that Mrs. King was divorced. Thanks for ruining my fun. Jerk.
Projection: Austin Peay fans have not been this excited since the Governors beat Illinois in 1987 and Dick Vitale had to stand on his head. They may not have Fly Williams anymore, nor a classic chant ("Open the Fly, Let's Go Peay!), but Austin Peay will be the OVC's representative in the tournament.
PAC 10
Let's Dance...Put on Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues
* UCLA (Phenomenal resume will get Bruins #1 seed)
* Washington State (23-5, 12-4 in Pac 10; swept 'Zona and won at USC; poor OOC, though)
* Arizona (Top-15 RPI; OOC wins over Memphis, UNLV, Louisville, Illinois)
* USC (conference record of 11-5; swept 'Zona and won at Oregon; Not much OOC; questionable RPI of 51; hot cheerleaders)
* Oregon (22-7; 12-0 OOC; beat Georgetown; swept Wash St.)
Bubble
* Stanford (RPI is troubling at #45; beat UCLA, Wash St, and won at UVA; lost to Santa Clara and Steve Nash did not play)
Big Questions
1. Is that really Tim Floyd roaming the sidelines for USC? Yep, it certainly is Jerry Krause's fishing buddy in the baggy shirt and crooked tie. The Trojans hired Tim in 2005, after numerous coaches turned USC down. Paul Westhead refused to leave the Phoenix Mercury, Kevin Loughery said he was much too busy with his new endeavor -- the Chicago Shamrox, and USC boosters were unable to break Stan Albeck out of his rehabilitation center. Further, Doug Collins turned down the job after the university was unwilling to give him Reggie Bush's old house and Phil Jackson declined to even interview unless any potential deal included unfettered access to the chancellor's daughter. It's all worked out for USC, though, as Floyd has the ultra-athletic Trojans potentially primed for a run in the NCAA, as long as the California undergrads don't come up with another diabolical scheme to destroy Gabe Pruitt's focus (I told you...see March 7, 2006!).
2. Can Washington State make noise in the Pac 10 and NCAA Tournaments? Anytime your coach is named Tony Bennett, no one will doubt that you can make noise... beautiful noise. Singing, however, is not likely to get the job done. The Cougars would be better served to stick with what has worked for them so far this year and just continue to lull everyone to sleep with their boring, methodical play. It may not be very much fun to watch, but it has been effective so far and there is little reason to think that it won't be in the postseason. Good night. Pleasant dreams.
3. Can Oregon trust Aaron Brooks to put the team on his shoulders and carry them far into March? Are you kidding me? Have you seen this guy play? Twenty-five interceptions and only sixteen TDs in the last two years! Boneheaded play after boneheaded play! Stupidity that reminds people of the glorious Henry Burris experiment! Oh! You mean the point guard for Oregon. Oh yeah, he's good.
Projection: Stanford joins the other five locks in the Dance giving the Pac 10 six total bids. UCLA is a true national title contender
PATRIOT
Big Question
1. Will Corey Dillon return to the team next year? A: I'd say no. New England knows that they have a future superstar in Lawrence Mulroney and Dillon's skills have been deteriorating the past couple of years. Rumor has it that he can only carry two stolen TVs out of an apartment now, whereas, in his days as a Bengal, he was able to carry four or even five if it meant Rudi Johnson would come down with an ankle injury.
Projection: I'd list the current odds as follows: Patriots: 20-1; Another NFL Team: 10-1; California Penal League: 1-2. Crud, I did it again, didn't I? Better go with Holy Cross.
SOUTHEASTERN COFERENCE
Hey Macarena! Hoy!
* Florida (Struggling recently but still has a terrific resume, overall. Likely a #1 or #2)
* Vanderbilt (Swept Kentucky, beat Tenn and Erin Andrews University; 10-5 in SEC)
* Kentucky (Resume is good, but not great; Win over Tenn and OOC victories over IU and at Louisville)
* Tennessee (RPI #8; struggles on road, Star Chris Lofton did not play in a few of their losses)
Bubble
* Alabama (20-9 is not bad, but 7-8 in SEC West is; No signature win)
* Arkansas (RPI poor at #57; likely to enter Selection Sunday with at least 13 losses; did sweep Bama and has OOC neutral court wins over SIU and West Virginia)
* Georgia (Leading scorer Mike Mercer done for season; 19-11 screams NIT; 3-8 on road)
* Ole Miss and Mississippi State (No and No)
Big Question
1. Not a question, but rather a public service announcement... If you happen to find the Gators' enthusiasm, energy and intensity, please forward to Billy Donovan, unless you are Billy Paccker, in which case, you should forward it to Billy Dunavan. And if you happen to see Steve Alford walking down the street, please steal his industrial strength bottle of hairspray and send that along as well. Thank you.
2. Was Vanderbilt offended by the RT's allegation that Will Perdue works at Wal-Mart? Yes and they want everyone to know the truth. Will does not work at Wal-Mart. Rather, he is now gainfully employed at K-Mart (the store, not the former Cincinnati Bearcat).
3. Who is the RT's favorite Wildcat? I have got to go with either Cerulo for his inhuman ability to smash his head into a locker or Phillip Finch for his inhuman ability to eat 238 twinkies in a single sitting. Oh, you meant, Kentucky Wildcat? Ashley Judd, then.
BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION
4. What was more shocking, Bruce Pearl's uncovered hairy chest painted orange or Pat Summitt in a cheerleading outfit? Wow...tough question. Both coaches have legitimate chances to take their teams far into the tournament and both have shown unrivaled school spirit. I have to go with Pearl, due to the pure fact that the visual made me and millions like me, terribly queasy. So queasy, in fact, Jimmy Collins has offered Bruce a brand new Chevy Blazer to never do that again (see, it all ties together). Now, let's see Peyton Manning sing a duet with LeeAnn Rimes. That would be shocking!
Projection: Alabama is one of the toughest teams to predict. The Tide has tremendous talent, however, and it says here that they make a little run in the SEC Tournament and join the other four locks in the dance. Forrest Gump will be so proud.
SOUTHERN CONFERENCE
Bubble
* Appalachian State (21-6 with OOC wins over Virginia, VCU and Vanderbilt; Lost to Furman and Elon. Elon!)
* Davidson (17-1 in conference and 24-4 overall; same number of top-100 RPI wins as Adams College and Adams college has Betty Childs).
Big Question
* Is it really possible for the Southern Conference to get two bids to the Tournament? Unfortunately, I do not think so. Appalachian State has the better OOC resume, but Davidson finished a full two games ahead of the Mountaineers in conference. And Davidson is hampered by the "Alpha Beta Rule." Simply stated, any team that has the same number of quality wins as the team coached by John Goodman and quarterbacked by Stan Gable is not allowed in the Dance as an at-large... ever. Yes, comparing football to basketball is like comparing apples to oranges. I already told you to stop ruining my fun. Ultra-jerk.
Projection: Davidson versus Appalachian State will be a great game in the Southern Conference Tournament final. I like Appalachian State to pull off the victory after the Davidson team bus has an unfortunate run-in with Ogre on its way the the arena.
SOUTHLAND
Big Question
1. Will the entire Northwestern State team grow afros in time for their Southland Conference Tournament game in hopes of capturing last season's postseason magic? A:It is simply not possible. Jared Stevenson, Michael McConathy and John Anthony Anglin are all white and guard Jermaine Spencer is still traumatized by the really bad experience he had while getting a haircut from Ice Cube who was overly concerned about whether he should sell the barbershop or not. And if you think that is bad, teammate Demetrius Bell refuses to even talk about what happened to him when he tried to get his hair cut at a Queens, New York barbershop. Thus far, all he has done is mutter something about Rocky Marciano beating Joe Louis' ass and tell jokes about finding a fly in your soup. So, unless the Demons recruit Julius Erving from his ABA days, Neil Diamond from his Song Sung Blue days, and Jimmie Walker from his J.J. days, it ain't gonna happen. Dy-no-mite!
Projection: Sam Houston State upsets Northwestern State and wins the Southland title after Foxxy Cleopatra (that's Beyonce in Austin Powers, folks) refuses to play for the Demons and Sam Houston comes out with guns-a-blazin'. Gus Johnson, calling the Sam Houston game for CBS, immediately asks, "What in the heck is a Bearkat and where did the guy who came up with that spelling graduate from? Libscomb?"
SUN BELT
Big Question
Ahhhh... we have a guest who would like to answer a question. Hello Chris Marcus. How is life as the world's largest movie usher? Great, now what is your question?
1. What can we do to get Grimace (aka Big Red) into the NCAA Tournament? A: Look, I love the Hilltopper as much as anyone. Anyone who has seen my napkin drawing of the lovable guy will attest to that. But let's hold on just a second. Doesn't everyone want to have a chance to chant "USA! USA! USA!" without having to listen to Al Michaels in the background? Thanks for the question Chris. Now go back to Russia.
Projection: You there, tubby, please go get Mike Eurozione. And you in the green shirt, but down your Guinness and go get Jack O'Callahan. Tell Jim Craig we've got a keg. Dig up the bones of Herb Brooks. Now all together... USA! USA! USA!
(That's the University of South Alabama for those of you who are really confused).
SWAC
Big Question
1. Never mind. Enjoy the play-in game.
Projection: Uh...um...uh...let's see. Uh... Oh, boy. Walter Payton went to Jackson State.
WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer...
* Nevada (25-2 overall; ten top-100 RPI wins, but none of them are top-50)
Big Question
1. With Nevada the favorite to win the WAC Tournament, are there any sleeper teams that the Wolfpack need to be afraid of? A: Oh yeah. How about the Boise State Broncos? Nevada may build up a big lead and things may look bleak for BSU, but just when Nick Fazekas appears ready to dump the Gatorade over coach Mark Fox's head, the Broncos are apt to pull-out some razzle, dazzle to shock the world. We are talking crazy stuff. Stuff like the Harlem Globetrotters weave, the Phoenix Gorilla's trampoline jump and, if they can get away with it, the 15-point MTV Rock 'n' Jock basket. And, if you do not believe me, give Bob Stoops a call.
No engagements though, please.
Projection: Hold the Gatorade, boys. Nevada may be going dancing, but they will get in via an at-large bid. Playing on their home court, Reggie Theus' New Mexico State Aggies will upset the Wolfpack and steal the automatic bid. No confirmation yet regarding whether Orlando Woolridge, Crash Mengelt, and Dave Corzine will be there to witness it.
WEST COACH CONFERENCE
Bubble
* The Overrated Little School in the Northwest (Poor RPI of 69; killer non-conference schedule; did beat UNC)
Big Question
1. Now that Adam Morrison is shooting 38.2% from the field in the NBA, does the RT still dislike the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are very few things that you can always count on. John Madden will always mention Brett Favre. During every IU game that he calls, Dick Vitale will always rant and rave about how Indiana should name the court at the real Assembly Hall after Bob Knight. Rex Grossman will ALWAYS suck. And, like Hawk Harrelson and A.J. Pierzynski, the RT will always hate the Overrated Little School in the Northwest.
Projection: Time to go out on a limb. How about the University of San Francisco? As mentioned earlier, #2 seed Santa Clara no longer has Steve Nash and Pepperdine won't get to don headbands and play a Bob Knight coached team. As for the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Don't worry...I'm sure that Ron Santo will let you borrow some of his kleenex.
Enjoy the Madness everyone!!!!!
See you next week...
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