As many of you are aware, tomorrow morning I will be hopping on United flight #1 and heading off to lovely Omaha, Nebraska. While it is work that takes me to Omaha, you can bet that I will carve out a little time to search for the perfect waterfall, enjoy a traditional Nebraskan luau and look for Jessica Alba on the beach. Oh, wait a minute, I meant to say… visit some insurance companies, play the 6-4-3 trifecta at Ak-Sar-Ben and try and find the childhood home of Gabrielle Union to see the elementary school where Isis started her cheerleading career, before moving to East Compton to captain the Clovers (if thewife wants to live in a fantasy world and really think that I’m in heart of cornhusker country, hey, that’s her business).
Anyway, given that my trip to paradise will be followed up with a family vacation to Sanibel Island, which will, in turn, be followed up by a work trip to Colorado Springs to stay at the Broadmoor (where it is my understanding you have to wear a tuxedo to bed), the Random Thoughts will regretfully be headed to the disabled list for a couple of weeks. Although Jim Hendry and Dusty are claiming that the RT will be back in a few days, you all know better.
That said, I have set my schedule as follows… I’ll be completely shut down until late July, will then write a couple of simulated blogs to see how my brain responds, will follow up with a post in Peoria, move on to Iowa, and make my glorious return to the world of blogging on Tuesday, August 8. I sincerely hope you will all be return to the RT at that time.
Of course, you can bet that a lot is going to happen between now and then. Fortunately, I have borrowed the DeLoren, stolen some plutonium from the Libyan terrorists, and headed into the future. And I hate to say it, but Timbuk 3 was wrong…for a lot of people, the future really isn’t that bright. Might as well leave your shades at home.
July 9
Italy defeats France to win the World Cup on penalty kicks. Italy finally manages to secure the victory when France’s 127th shooter, Gerard Depardieu misses wide after being threatened by Tony Soprano.
The Chicago Bulls announce an exciting new promotion for the 2006-07 season. The first 10,000 fans through the turnstiles for the Bulls October 23 game against the Wizards will receive three very special basketball publications: Tyson Chandler’s Guide to Shooting the Perfect Jump Shot, Eddy Curry’s autobiography titled "My Lack of Heart Refers A Lot More than My Cardiomyopathy," and his rebounding guide "Jump? Who in the Heck Needs to Jump?"
July 10
Not to be outdone, the United Center’s other resident, the Blackhawks, announce a special new promotion of their own. The first 10,000 people through the turnstiles for the season will each get to put on the Indian Head sweater and skate a shift on the Whatshisnameov – Whointhehellisheov line. Hawks management warns people that they fully expect to give away all 10,000 shifts by the Hawks 33rd home game in early February.
Tyson Barrett is named to the NL All-Star team as replacement for Paul LoDuca.
July 11
The American League wins the All-Star game 8-6 on a two-out, three-run home run by A.J. Pierzynski in the top of the ninth inning. Pierzynski hits the home run off Ryan Dempster who was added to the roster after Ricky Vaughn turned down an invitation that was received after Mike Remlinger turned down an invitation that was received after Jorge Julio turned down an invitation that was received after Shawn Estes turned down an invitation that was received after Armando Benitez turned down an invitation that was received after Joe Borowksi turned down an invitation that was received after Brad Lidge turned down an invitation that was received after… You get the picture. Catching at the time for NL was Nomah who was forced into the game as the result of Tyson Barrett’s early exit – triggered by a 7th inning home plate collision with the aforementioned.
Dusty Baker tells the Chicago media that the Cubs will be fine once they get all their pieces back. When asked what pieces he is waiting for, Baker replies “Thing One.”
July 12
Upset that he was not one of the pitchers invited to replace Amanda Wurlitzer who turned down an invitation after Jeff Fassero turned down an invitation, Todd Wellemeyer goes on a crime spree, but is finally caught after police discover that he was giving surprised store clerks his own baseball cards as a memento. He is immediately ordered to remain in the barn until his trial.
July 13
Dusty is officially relieved of his duties as manager of the Chicago Cubs. Bruce Kimm and Jim Essian are brought in to co-manage until a suitable replacement can be found.
July 14
After being turned down by Lou Pinella, Lou Brown, Larry Brown, Tom Kelly, Kelly Kapowski, Morris Buttermaker, that little kid who manages the Twins in Little Big League, Joe Riggins (who commented that he wasn’t about the manage yet another team of lollygaggers), Crash Davis, Steve Stone, Mike Davis and newly unemployed Gunston, the Chicago Cubs announce Kelvin Sampson as their new manager. Andy McPhail claims that Sampson was their choice all along.
July 15
Completely frustrated with his dwindling playing time, Weasley quits the Cubs and signs a contract with the Chudley Cannons. When asked why, Weasley states that his only priority is winning. When reminded that the Cannons have not won a title since 1892 and that their team motto is “Let’s all cross our fingers and hope for the best,” Weasley responded, “I know. But compared to my old employer…”
July 16
Desperate for relief pitchers after Bobby Jenks mistakes Cliff Politte for a bratwurst and Neal Cotts for a slice of cheesecake, the Sox call up Sean Tracey from Triple A. Tracey hits eight straight Yankee batters before quitting baseball to star in the new Broadway production of the John Waters directed, Johnny Depp – Traci Lords – Ricki Lake farce “Cry-Baby”
July 17
The Blackhawks shock the hockey world by signing center Denis Arkhipov. Crap! That already happened…
July 19
While vacuuming, Kerry Wood feels a twitch in his shoulder and announces that he will undoubtedly miss the rest of the season. In other news, the American government announces that Osama Bin Laden is not a nice guy.
July 20
Still desperate for relief pitchers, the Sox sign Matt Karchner, Mark Guthrie and Dave Veres to contracts. Consistent with the Sox luck and the curse of the ex-Cub, all three immediately embark on 20-inning scoreless streaks.
July 22
Let the fire sale begin! The Cubs unload Einstein Jones on the Yankees. In return they receive the exclusive right to have Tyler Chicken run concessions at Wrigley,
July 23
Jones quits the Yankees, moves to Arkansas and takes a job as a hen supervisor.
Three 20-somethings are rushed from Wrigley Field to the hospital with severe stomach pain. Doctors argue whether it was the chicken flavored frosty malts, the chicken mai tais or the chicken flavored chicken that caused the problem.
July 24
Carlos Zambrano is traded to the White Sox for Matt Karchner. Laughing hysterically, Jerry Reinsdorf agrees to throw in Jannero Pargo.
Todd Walker is traded to the Marlins for nobody. That’s right…nobody.
July 25
The Cubs trade Juan Pierre to the Red Sox for Curt Schilling’s bloody sock. Cubs management is horrified to discover that it is actually ketchup.
July 26
The Random Thoughts fearless leader is taken to the hospital with a broken arm. Everyone is reminded that patting oneself on the back for 24 hours straight can be hazardous to one’s health. Juan Pierre enjoys his new digs.
The Bears arrive in Bourbonnais for the start of training camp. Rex Grossman is injured in a car accident on the way to Olivet Nazarene when Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin’s Escalade runs a red light. Eddie claims that “Spongebob No Pants” was just getting to the good part (yes, I did steal that from the Simpsons…)
July 27
Rex the Wonder Dog is put on IR. Henry Burris and Moses Moreno quit their jobs at Burger King and hitchhike to Bourbonnais
July 29
Mark Prior breaks both arms in a car accident after Eddie Griffin’s Escalade fails to yield. Eddie claims that “The Devil Wears a Strap-On” was just getting to the good part.
July 30
Dick Jauron is mid-way through his first week as Buffalo Bills head coach. Buffalo media is already sick of hearing Dick start every sentence with “We like David. We think he is going to be a good player for our football team.”
Across the country, David Terrell robs a Kwik-E-Mart.
August 2
Suddenly realizing that the Cubs outfield now consists of Angel Pagan, Phil Nevin and Yosh Kowano, the Cubs sign Glenallen Hill. Hill never makes it out of the clubhouse after the team fails to find a helmet big enough to fit his head. Rumor begins to circulate that Glenallen’s little girl is a classmate of Dominic Palmeiri/ Cullen Crisp Jr. at an Astoria, Oregon elementary school and is taught by John Kimble ***
August 3
With Glenallen out of the picture, the Cubs decide to head to San Pedro de Macoris to bring Sammy Sosa back to the North Side. Sammy shows up weighing 110 pounds and listening to Kenny G on his boom box. Aramis gives him Jason Grimsley’s phone number.
August 4
Despite going 0-9 with eight strikeouts, Sammy sets a new personal record for most consecutive games without leaving a runner in scoring position. Jerome Walton and Bob Dernier just don’t get on base like they used to.
The Cubs sign Willie Mays Hayes, Roger Dorn and Jake Taylor.
August 5
Roberto Novoa gives up three runs, after mistakenly entering the game, when Manager Sampson had actually wanted Scott Eyre. Sampson explains that text messaging the bullpen isn’t easy, but that he is committed to making it work
Gayle Sayers, er Cedric Benson rushes for 4 yards on 18 carries in an intrasquad game. Lovie announces that he is the starter. Thomas Jones laughs and he laughs.
August 6
And he laughs and he laughs and he laughs
August 7
And he laughs.
Wade Miller breaks both legs in a car accident after Eddie Griffin’s Escalade crosses the center line and heads into oncoming traffic. Eddie claims that “The Porn Identity” was just getting to the good part
Completely forgetting that such a plan is doomed to fail from its inception thanks to the Lincoln Park Trixies, the Des Moines Esthers and White Sox fans whose sole concern is the continuation of the Cubs century of misery, it is announced that the Cubs have been intentionally losing games in hope of knocking down the attendance to such an extent that the Tribune can move the team to Havana. The team unveils a life-size cardboard cutout of Dennis FitzSimons wearing a leopard print dress and pledges to remove a piece of the dress after every victory. The team agrees to “win the whole damn thing…”
* As I mentioned at the top of this post, I sincerely hope that everyone returns to the Random Thoughts on August 8. As most of you know, I truly appreciate your support of my writing and hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. In the meantime, I have set up a community blog at http://danisgone.blogspot.com/. Anyone can post by using the user name “danisgone” and the password “danisgone.” Who knows? I just may make an occasional appearance…
Finally, I promise that while in Nebraska, I will take every precaution to ensure that I will return to the mainland safe and sound. I won’t take any hula lessons for fear of throwing out my back. I will refuse to enter into a surfing contest for fear of a nasty wipeout. I will remember to bring popcorn should I go exploring in rainforests and caves. I will avoid Mr. Hanlei at all costs. I will not pick up any ancient tiki idols at construction sites. I will never, and I repeat never, talk to anyone who calls an inanimate statue Oliver. And, last but not least, I will not buy thewife either the coral necklace or the jade pin.
See you in a month!!!!
***Today's pop culture trivia questions: Who was John Kimble's partner and why would I specifically include this particular reference in conjunction with Glenallen Hill?
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
If The Walls Could Talk
It has been a couple of weeks now since Ozzie Guillen infamously used an offensive slur to describe Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti and, for the most part, the situation seems to have died down. Ever since, major league baseball commissioner Bud Selig responded to the incident by “sentencing” Ozzie to sensitivity training and fined the White Sox skipper an undisclosed amount of money, Ozzie has, to his credit, avoided even a hint of controversy and stayed focused on managing the White Sox to the second best record in baseball. Sure selecting Mark Buehrle (9-5, 3.86, 51 K) to the American League All-Star team over the Twins’ Francisco Liriano (9-1, 1.99, 94 K) and the Tigers’ Justin Verlander (10-4, 3.01, 69 K) makes about as much sense as Zack, Screech, Lisa and Mr. Belding all magically moving at the same time from Indianapolis to southern California, but, hey, even I am willing to overlook such stupidity and concentrate on the fact that Ozzie has not offended anyone in public for at least a couple of weeks.
So, what about the prescribed sensitivity training? Those of you who follow baseball closely recognize that the league office moves painfully slow and, therefore, are probably not overly surprised that there has yet to be a report that Ozzie has successfully completed his “training” (after all, this is the same outfit that took over a month to uphold Tyson Barrett’s 10-game suspension. And, now that I am on the subject, what in the heck did the hearing take four hours for? How long can it possibly take for Barrett to say “I punched him in his big, fat, doesn’t shut-up mouth?”). But, I have some rather surprising news for you. Although unreported (the Chicago media must have been too busy compiling a Tyson Chandler tribute video) Ozzie did, in fact, attend his training. And, with the magic of extendable ears and a well-placed microphone, we caught the whole thing…
Johnnie B.: Okay, dudes. Welcome to your mandatory sensitivity training session. Now, I know that many of you may be surprised to see me leading this session, but, hey, I’m sure to be out of work in a few short weeks and the Popeye’s on Jackson ain’t hiring. Maybe I can talk Felipe Alou into hiring me as his expert on double-switches. Oh wait, they already hate me in San Francisco, don’t they?
Bob: Can we just get on with this already. I have another baseless lawsuit to file. Those jackasses in Bloomington are still pissing me off.
Johnnie B.: Calm down. Calm down. Okay, what was I saying? Oh yeah. You are probably surprised to see me here, but, I have an established reputation as being the type of guy who can deal with all types of personalities and get the best out of people. Who am I to argue? I mean some people also think that Glitter should have been nominated for a 2002 Oscar. Anyway, even if my reputation is undeserved, you can be dang sure that I will not criticize any of you, for any reason, even if you cannot lay down a bunt, throw strikes or even if you have been reading the Sammy Sosa guide to hitting the cutoff man.
Lee: Hey, I have a job to get back to unlike most of the morons that go to Cubs’ games. Can we please get this over with?
Johnnie B.: Okay. Let’s get started. Please introduce yourself and tell us why you are here.
Bob: My name is Robert Montgomery and I have no clue why I am here. I am blameless.
Johnnie B.: Nice to have you here Knight.
Bob: [sternly grabs Johnnie by the arm]. YOU WILL CALL ME COACH KNIGHT! WHERE IS MY WHIP? SOMEBODY GET ME MY LAP DOG! QUINN BUCKNER? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU? ALFORD? GET OFF THAT TRACTOR, PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORK AND GET YOUR IOWA ASS OVER HERE!
Lee: Calm down, General, sheesh. Who do you think you are? Earl Weaver?
John: I’m John. I hate all of you.
Johnnie B: Okay. Nice to see you John. You used to pitch against my Giants when you were with the Braves, didn’t you?
John: Yes. But I hated taking the BART to Candlestick. Too many flaming [bleeps] in that fricking city!
Johnnie B.: At least we can easily pinpoint why you are here. How about you old timer?
Lee: I’m Lee. I’m here because before Wrigley Field was charming, a tourist trap, and the city of Chicago’s largest beer garden, it was a dilapidated old piece of crap, with horrible sightlines, bathrooms that make Grand Central Station’s look like they dropped from sanitary heaven, and 9,000 unemployed losers filling the seats.
Johnnie B.: Hold on, one minute dudes…Darren, please go play with your toy cars in the corner. J.T. Snow is not here to save you, this time. Okay. Next.
Ozzie: I am Oswaldo Jose Guillen Barrios. I am [beep]in’ here because I [beep]in’ called [beep]in’ Jay [beep]in’ Mariotti a [beepin]in’ [beep]. I [beep]in’ just have to [beep]in’ say that [beep]in’ I an nut [beep]in’ blun mugger [beep] [beep] [beep] and I deser gert [beep]. Muy kikjul havfur [bleep]in’ yacik.
Johnnie B.: Slow down! Nobody can understand a word you are saying.
Ozzie: [beep]in’ [beep]
Johnnie B: Is that everyone?
Ghost of Reggie White: Don’t forget about me. I offended more people than the South Park movie, Eminem and Rush Limbaugh combined yet, because I was “The Minister of Defense” and had that cool deep voice and stuff, nobody ever really came down particularly hard on me. I know that I am dead and all, but I figured that I really ought to pay for my offensive remarks. I mean, did you ever really think about exactly what I said to the Wisconsin State Legislature? I called homosexuals liars, cheaters, malicious people and backstabbers. I said that they were hurting our children and solely responsible for STDs. Responsible for STDs? Hadn’t I ever heard of Linda Lovelace or Christina Aguilera? Heck, I make the rest of you seem like choir boys. Wow!
Bob: Who in the heck are you calling a choir boy? I have never sang in my life. Oh yeah, except for that time when Parcells, LaRussa and I got drunk in Cabo. You should hear Tuna belt out "I Will Survive."
John: I once sang that song about hating everything about you.
Marc Bavaro, Marcus Vick, Pierre Pierce and the 2002 Notre Dame Football Team: [panting] Sorry, we’re late. What did we miss?
Johnnie B: I think you guys want the Sexual Deviance training. It’s in room 69. Right down the hall, next to the strippers anonymous meeting. Say hello to Elizabeth Berkeley for me. Good luck.
Johnnie B.: Okay. You were all asked to fill out a questionnaire before today’s meeting so we can begin to hone in on where your anger stems from. Let’s focus on question #3. Who is your biggest enemy? Ozzie, you answered the “Venezuelan mother[bleep]er Magglio Ordonez.”
Ozzie: Yeah, that [bleep]in’ guy is a [bleep]in’ [bleep].
Johnnie B.: Ozzie, man. You can’t say that. You should never call anyone a [bleep]. That is what got you into trouble in the first place. And that is especially true if they are in the media. I, of course, know precisely how to handle the media. I’ve got them all wrapped around my wristbands.
Ozzie: Wait a [bleep]in’ minute. Does this mean that I cannot continue to call Carol Slezak a [bleep].
Johnnie B.: Good lord…Of course not.
Ozzie: Why the [bleep]in’ hell not? It means, uh, uh, uh, beautiful woman in Spanish.
Johnnie B.: Now Ozzie, I have a Spanish dictionary right here.
Ozzie: It’s a [bleep]in’ Venezuelan regional dialect.
Johnnie B.: C’mon now…
Ozzie: Okay, okay. It’s a secret [bleep]in’ language that Joey Cora and I usually save for leather strap night in the bedroom. [Bleep]in’ happy now?
Bob: I’m with Ozzie. The media deserves to be called every bad name in the book. They are wholly responsible for my downfall at Indiana. Well, them and Myles Brand. I’d like to stuff his ass in a garbage can or kick his ass all over Puerto Rico.
Johnnie B.: Bob, you actually listed Neil Reed on your questionnaire. Who is Neil Reed?
Bob: Some little punk who I choked…I mean, some nice young student athlete to whom I taught the finer points of basketball.
Johnnie B.: You choked him? That wasn’t particularly smart, now, was it?
Bob: At least I did not kick him. I save that for my children. And was it smart? Sure, almost as smart as keeping Phil Nevin on the bench and continuing to allow Thing Two to take home a major league paycheck.
John: Don’t forget about Wavin’ Wendell! He was responsible for getting more guys called out trying to score than Sister Margaret at the Catholic girls school for ex-prostitutes.
Lee: Not to mention bringing in Dave Veres in the biggest spot of the season.
Johnnie B.: This is making me almost as depressed as when Gopherball Glendon pitches. Hey, maybe he would make a good starting pitcher.
Bob: Yeah, and maybe that was Lou Henson’s real hair. Cheater. Bruce Douglas had the intellectual capacity of a dead mule.
Johnnie B.: So, what about you Lee? You said Chicago Cubs fans.
Lee: That’s right. I mean, how stupid can those people possibly be? They continue to go to game after game, despite that fact that the team is absolutely terrible. They make my 1983 squad seem like a group of all-stars. Give me a Warren Brusstar over a Scott Williamson any day. Get a job people. Isn’t Weiner Circle hiring?
Johnnie B.: Now, John…you said scinapsihdnaskcalbsyag. What exactly is that?
John: That is my word for all of the losers who ride the New York City Number 7. I hate everyone. Except maybe Ozzie. You seem pretty cool.
Johnnie B.: Look, the bottom line is that we all have to learn sensitivity. We have to learn that our words can hurt others. And we must be ultra careful when we speak in public so we do not offend anyone’s feelings. Take me for example. You do not hear me call Mark Prior a frickin’ wuss whose pitching this year reminds me of Jaime Navarro, do you? I’ve learned not to potentially offend overpaid, overhyped pitchers who are likely to get hurt doing needlepoint. You never know when Sean Marshall is going to turn into one.
John: I call him that. He sucks.
Bob: Me too.
Lee: Yeah, that guy is pretty bad.
Ozzie: At least you [bleep]in’ people did not have to put up with the “Mark Prior Watch.” Where is the Pablo Ozuna Watch? Huh? [Bleep]in’ Tribune. Bunch of [bleeps].
Johnnie B.: Ozzie! For the rest of this session, I will not tolerate any offensive behavior or remarks. I am instituting a strict zero tolerance policy. Do you understand?
Lee: What are you going to do to punish us? Make us sit next to Weasley and Todd Walker on the bench, so you can play Thing Two? It’s a good thing that Thing One’s arm is falling off in the hospital. Otherwise, Derrek Lee’s job would probably be in trouble.
Bob: Zero tolerance? Why does that sound familiar? Have I heard that somewhere before? [Anger rising]
Johnnie B.: Bob, calm down. Bob, what are you doing with that chair?
[Loud noises. Yelling. Crashing sounds]
Lee: This place is an absolute mess! Maybe we can head over the Wrigley and start handing out brooms. We’ll pay those SOBs twenty cents an hour to clean it up. Losers
John: Hey, I need a job. If you need me, I’ll be down the hall with Bavaro and Pierce and the Domers
Ozzie: [Bleep]in’ [bleep].
[static]
Quick notes (real quick)…
* It is tough to criticize the Bulls’ Ben Wallace signing. He was one of the marquee names available on the market and, to their credit, the Bulls put their money where their mouth is. That said, they waaaaay overpaid for a guy who shoots worse that Stevie Wonder and has about as much offensive ability as the donkey in a donkey basketball game. It says here that his contact will eventually be an albatross.
I suppose I should pull the happy-o-meter out of the closet. With the signing of Wallace, I feel like Kevin during the first 70 minuts of American Pie. Sure, Vicky Lathum looks great and is really good at those things that she is actually willing to do, but where's the scoring? And I'm willing to bet that Kevin wasn't getting away with any $12 dates, either. Filling that cup at Stifler's house sure as heck wasn't free. I'm guessing about $150 per release and, like what the Bulls are paying Wallace, that's a bit much. He would have been better off picking someone up at Band Camp.
* Vegas obviously likes the move. The Bulls went from 40-1 to win the 2007 NBA title to 14-1 in the span of a couple of hours.
* Why are Bulls’ fans celebrating the trading of Tyson Chandler as if Gwen Stefani announced that she would be doing a private show for Random Thoughts readers…in the nude? Chandler was a huge disappointment in 2006, yes, but had shown a lot of promise at the end of 2004 (including leading the league in 4th quarter rebounding). I truly do not mind seeing Chandler go, but what is with all the vitriol?
Obviously, getting P.J. Brown was the key. A veteran big man will help the team immensely. That said, don’t sleep on J.R. Smith. He is young, talented and, last I checked, not in jail. Not a bad combination in today's NBA. (Happy-o-meter: Think Greg when he found out that Tami Cutler and Hal Barton were just interested in signing him as a solo act, rather than taking on the entire Brady clan. Greg was excited, yet a little disappointed at the same time. After all, even if he were to become a big star, he may still be, according to Cindy, a small person)
* The Cubs played a bunch of games and won a couple and lost a bunch. Not much else to see here.
* I know that the White Sox are still trailing the Tigers in the division, but, in my opinion, the best team in baseball plays their home games at U.S. Comiskular. I’m not going to play Rasheed Wallace and predict another World Series title, but you have got to like their chances. If nothing else, they will overtake the Tigers in the Central.
* Finally, kudos to Random Thoughts commenter Bearister for picking up on the Eddie Griffin story. Griffin who has a long history of legal problems, crashed his Escalade into a SUV in the early morning hours of March 30. No big deal right? Well, the facts regarding the accident are still leaking out. According to the owners of the SUV that was hit, Griffin was drunk, watching porn and, in the words of Beavis, spanking the monkey at the time of the accident. I really cannot do this story justice so I am not even going to try. Instead, you can read http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/basketball/nba/06/30/bc.bkn.timberwolves.griffin.ap/ if you are interested in all the details.
No jokes. I think you will agree that this one stands on its own merits.
Have a delightful day. I’m off to lunch with Oswaldo, Johnnie B., John and Lee. Screw the General.
So, what about the prescribed sensitivity training? Those of you who follow baseball closely recognize that the league office moves painfully slow and, therefore, are probably not overly surprised that there has yet to be a report that Ozzie has successfully completed his “training” (after all, this is the same outfit that took over a month to uphold Tyson Barrett’s 10-game suspension. And, now that I am on the subject, what in the heck did the hearing take four hours for? How long can it possibly take for Barrett to say “I punched him in his big, fat, doesn’t shut-up mouth?”). But, I have some rather surprising news for you. Although unreported (the Chicago media must have been too busy compiling a Tyson Chandler tribute video) Ozzie did, in fact, attend his training. And, with the magic of extendable ears and a well-placed microphone, we caught the whole thing…
Johnnie B.: Okay, dudes. Welcome to your mandatory sensitivity training session. Now, I know that many of you may be surprised to see me leading this session, but, hey, I’m sure to be out of work in a few short weeks and the Popeye’s on Jackson ain’t hiring. Maybe I can talk Felipe Alou into hiring me as his expert on double-switches. Oh wait, they already hate me in San Francisco, don’t they?
Bob: Can we just get on with this already. I have another baseless lawsuit to file. Those jackasses in Bloomington are still pissing me off.
Johnnie B.: Calm down. Calm down. Okay, what was I saying? Oh yeah. You are probably surprised to see me here, but, I have an established reputation as being the type of guy who can deal with all types of personalities and get the best out of people. Who am I to argue? I mean some people also think that Glitter should have been nominated for a 2002 Oscar. Anyway, even if my reputation is undeserved, you can be dang sure that I will not criticize any of you, for any reason, even if you cannot lay down a bunt, throw strikes or even if you have been reading the Sammy Sosa guide to hitting the cutoff man.
Lee: Hey, I have a job to get back to unlike most of the morons that go to Cubs’ games. Can we please get this over with?
Johnnie B.: Okay. Let’s get started. Please introduce yourself and tell us why you are here.
Bob: My name is Robert Montgomery and I have no clue why I am here. I am blameless.
Johnnie B.: Nice to have you here Knight.
Bob: [sternly grabs Johnnie by the arm]. YOU WILL CALL ME COACH KNIGHT! WHERE IS MY WHIP? SOMEBODY GET ME MY LAP DOG! QUINN BUCKNER? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU? ALFORD? GET OFF THAT TRACTOR, PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORK AND GET YOUR IOWA ASS OVER HERE!
Lee: Calm down, General, sheesh. Who do you think you are? Earl Weaver?
John: I’m John. I hate all of you.
Johnnie B: Okay. Nice to see you John. You used to pitch against my Giants when you were with the Braves, didn’t you?
John: Yes. But I hated taking the BART to Candlestick. Too many flaming [bleeps] in that fricking city!
Johnnie B.: At least we can easily pinpoint why you are here. How about you old timer?
Lee: I’m Lee. I’m here because before Wrigley Field was charming, a tourist trap, and the city of Chicago’s largest beer garden, it was a dilapidated old piece of crap, with horrible sightlines, bathrooms that make Grand Central Station’s look like they dropped from sanitary heaven, and 9,000 unemployed losers filling the seats.
Johnnie B.: Hold on, one minute dudes…Darren, please go play with your toy cars in the corner. J.T. Snow is not here to save you, this time. Okay. Next.
Ozzie: I am Oswaldo Jose Guillen Barrios. I am [beep]in’ here because I [beep]in’ called [beep]in’ Jay [beep]in’ Mariotti a [beepin]in’ [beep]. I [beep]in’ just have to [beep]in’ say that [beep]in’ I an nut [beep]in’ blun mugger [beep] [beep] [beep] and I deser gert [beep]. Muy kikjul havfur [bleep]in’ yacik.
Johnnie B.: Slow down! Nobody can understand a word you are saying.
Ozzie: [beep]in’ [beep]
Johnnie B: Is that everyone?
Ghost of Reggie White: Don’t forget about me. I offended more people than the South Park movie, Eminem and Rush Limbaugh combined yet, because I was “The Minister of Defense” and had that cool deep voice and stuff, nobody ever really came down particularly hard on me. I know that I am dead and all, but I figured that I really ought to pay for my offensive remarks. I mean, did you ever really think about exactly what I said to the Wisconsin State Legislature? I called homosexuals liars, cheaters, malicious people and backstabbers. I said that they were hurting our children and solely responsible for STDs. Responsible for STDs? Hadn’t I ever heard of Linda Lovelace or Christina Aguilera? Heck, I make the rest of you seem like choir boys. Wow!
Bob: Who in the heck are you calling a choir boy? I have never sang in my life. Oh yeah, except for that time when Parcells, LaRussa and I got drunk in Cabo. You should hear Tuna belt out "I Will Survive."
John: I once sang that song about hating everything about you.
Marc Bavaro, Marcus Vick, Pierre Pierce and the 2002 Notre Dame Football Team: [panting] Sorry, we’re late. What did we miss?
Johnnie B: I think you guys want the Sexual Deviance training. It’s in room 69. Right down the hall, next to the strippers anonymous meeting. Say hello to Elizabeth Berkeley for me. Good luck.
Johnnie B.: Okay. You were all asked to fill out a questionnaire before today’s meeting so we can begin to hone in on where your anger stems from. Let’s focus on question #3. Who is your biggest enemy? Ozzie, you answered the “Venezuelan mother[bleep]er Magglio Ordonez.”
Ozzie: Yeah, that [bleep]in’ guy is a [bleep]in’ [bleep].
Johnnie B.: Ozzie, man. You can’t say that. You should never call anyone a [bleep]. That is what got you into trouble in the first place. And that is especially true if they are in the media. I, of course, know precisely how to handle the media. I’ve got them all wrapped around my wristbands.
Ozzie: Wait a [bleep]in’ minute. Does this mean that I cannot continue to call Carol Slezak a [bleep].
Johnnie B.: Good lord…Of course not.
Ozzie: Why the [bleep]in’ hell not? It means, uh, uh, uh, beautiful woman in Spanish.
Johnnie B.: Now Ozzie, I have a Spanish dictionary right here.
Ozzie: It’s a [bleep]in’ Venezuelan regional dialect.
Johnnie B.: C’mon now…
Ozzie: Okay, okay. It’s a secret [bleep]in’ language that Joey Cora and I usually save for leather strap night in the bedroom. [Bleep]in’ happy now?
Bob: I’m with Ozzie. The media deserves to be called every bad name in the book. They are wholly responsible for my downfall at Indiana. Well, them and Myles Brand. I’d like to stuff his ass in a garbage can or kick his ass all over Puerto Rico.
Johnnie B.: Bob, you actually listed Neil Reed on your questionnaire. Who is Neil Reed?
Bob: Some little punk who I choked…I mean, some nice young student athlete to whom I taught the finer points of basketball.
Johnnie B.: You choked him? That wasn’t particularly smart, now, was it?
Bob: At least I did not kick him. I save that for my children. And was it smart? Sure, almost as smart as keeping Phil Nevin on the bench and continuing to allow Thing Two to take home a major league paycheck.
John: Don’t forget about Wavin’ Wendell! He was responsible for getting more guys called out trying to score than Sister Margaret at the Catholic girls school for ex-prostitutes.
Lee: Not to mention bringing in Dave Veres in the biggest spot of the season.
Johnnie B.: This is making me almost as depressed as when Gopherball Glendon pitches. Hey, maybe he would make a good starting pitcher.
Bob: Yeah, and maybe that was Lou Henson’s real hair. Cheater. Bruce Douglas had the intellectual capacity of a dead mule.
Johnnie B.: So, what about you Lee? You said Chicago Cubs fans.
Lee: That’s right. I mean, how stupid can those people possibly be? They continue to go to game after game, despite that fact that the team is absolutely terrible. They make my 1983 squad seem like a group of all-stars. Give me a Warren Brusstar over a Scott Williamson any day. Get a job people. Isn’t Weiner Circle hiring?
Johnnie B.: Now, John…you said scinapsihdnaskcalbsyag. What exactly is that?
John: That is my word for all of the losers who ride the New York City Number 7. I hate everyone. Except maybe Ozzie. You seem pretty cool.
Johnnie B.: Look, the bottom line is that we all have to learn sensitivity. We have to learn that our words can hurt others. And we must be ultra careful when we speak in public so we do not offend anyone’s feelings. Take me for example. You do not hear me call Mark Prior a frickin’ wuss whose pitching this year reminds me of Jaime Navarro, do you? I’ve learned not to potentially offend overpaid, overhyped pitchers who are likely to get hurt doing needlepoint. You never know when Sean Marshall is going to turn into one.
John: I call him that. He sucks.
Bob: Me too.
Lee: Yeah, that guy is pretty bad.
Ozzie: At least you [bleep]in’ people did not have to put up with the “Mark Prior Watch.” Where is the Pablo Ozuna Watch? Huh? [Bleep]in’ Tribune. Bunch of [bleeps].
Johnnie B.: Ozzie! For the rest of this session, I will not tolerate any offensive behavior or remarks. I am instituting a strict zero tolerance policy. Do you understand?
Lee: What are you going to do to punish us? Make us sit next to Weasley and Todd Walker on the bench, so you can play Thing Two? It’s a good thing that Thing One’s arm is falling off in the hospital. Otherwise, Derrek Lee’s job would probably be in trouble.
Bob: Zero tolerance? Why does that sound familiar? Have I heard that somewhere before? [Anger rising]
Johnnie B.: Bob, calm down. Bob, what are you doing with that chair?
[Loud noises. Yelling. Crashing sounds]
Lee: This place is an absolute mess! Maybe we can head over the Wrigley and start handing out brooms. We’ll pay those SOBs twenty cents an hour to clean it up. Losers
John: Hey, I need a job. If you need me, I’ll be down the hall with Bavaro and Pierce and the Domers
Ozzie: [Bleep]in’ [bleep].
[static]
Quick notes (real quick)…
* It is tough to criticize the Bulls’ Ben Wallace signing. He was one of the marquee names available on the market and, to their credit, the Bulls put their money where their mouth is. That said, they waaaaay overpaid for a guy who shoots worse that Stevie Wonder and has about as much offensive ability as the donkey in a donkey basketball game. It says here that his contact will eventually be an albatross.
I suppose I should pull the happy-o-meter out of the closet. With the signing of Wallace, I feel like Kevin during the first 70 minuts of American Pie. Sure, Vicky Lathum looks great and is really good at those things that she is actually willing to do, but where's the scoring? And I'm willing to bet that Kevin wasn't getting away with any $12 dates, either. Filling that cup at Stifler's house sure as heck wasn't free. I'm guessing about $150 per release and, like what the Bulls are paying Wallace, that's a bit much. He would have been better off picking someone up at Band Camp.
* Vegas obviously likes the move. The Bulls went from 40-1 to win the 2007 NBA title to 14-1 in the span of a couple of hours.
* Why are Bulls’ fans celebrating the trading of Tyson Chandler as if Gwen Stefani announced that she would be doing a private show for Random Thoughts readers…in the nude? Chandler was a huge disappointment in 2006, yes, but had shown a lot of promise at the end of 2004 (including leading the league in 4th quarter rebounding). I truly do not mind seeing Chandler go, but what is with all the vitriol?
Obviously, getting P.J. Brown was the key. A veteran big man will help the team immensely. That said, don’t sleep on J.R. Smith. He is young, talented and, last I checked, not in jail. Not a bad combination in today's NBA. (Happy-o-meter: Think Greg when he found out that Tami Cutler and Hal Barton were just interested in signing him as a solo act, rather than taking on the entire Brady clan. Greg was excited, yet a little disappointed at the same time. After all, even if he were to become a big star, he may still be, according to Cindy, a small person)
* The Cubs played a bunch of games and won a couple and lost a bunch. Not much else to see here.
* I know that the White Sox are still trailing the Tigers in the division, but, in my opinion, the best team in baseball plays their home games at U.S. Comiskular. I’m not going to play Rasheed Wallace and predict another World Series title, but you have got to like their chances. If nothing else, they will overtake the Tigers in the Central.
* Finally, kudos to Random Thoughts commenter Bearister for picking up on the Eddie Griffin story. Griffin who has a long history of legal problems, crashed his Escalade into a SUV in the early morning hours of March 30. No big deal right? Well, the facts regarding the accident are still leaking out. According to the owners of the SUV that was hit, Griffin was drunk, watching porn and, in the words of Beavis, spanking the monkey at the time of the accident. I really cannot do this story justice so I am not even going to try. Instead, you can read http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/basketball/nba/06/30/bc.bkn.timberwolves.griffin.ap/ if you are interested in all the details.
No jokes. I think you will agree that this one stands on its own merits.
Have a delightful day. I’m off to lunch with Oswaldo, Johnnie B., John and Lee. Screw the General.
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