Maybe the Decision Leaves the Bulls With Enough Money to Sign Both Barry Williams AND Maureen Mccormick!

So, there it was...8:00. I had my bag of cheesy poofs, the television was turned to the correct channel, and the kids were told that I was not to be disturbed under any circumstances. And what I saw truly was gut-wrenching. What I saw was an individual who clearly was torn. What I saw was a person who was on the verge of being completely destroyed by the magnitude of the agonozing decision that was being forced.

I mean, you beat the odds and get cast as the Fairy Princess in the Clinton Elementary School presentation of "The Frog Prince," but are told that you can invite only one person? What is an eight-year old girl to do when you have your heart set on iniviting, not only mommy and daddy, but all five siblings, Alice, Sam the Butcher, Harold the Bug Kid, and the little Native American boy who they found in the Grand Canyon too?

Fortunately, the fine school district administrators saved the day by holding a special presentation of the play, exclusively for the Brady family. Flowers bloomed. Rainbows appeared in the southern sky. Birdies and small woodland animals helped sew clothes and bake delicious cakes. Last night, there were smiles all around.

Or at least on the faces of Pat Riley, Jimmy Buffett, Sophia Petrillo and Crockett and Tubbs...

* I respect those who are saying "Who gives a crap where LeBron goes" and I understand the sentiment, but I respectively disagree. As Bulls fan, I care. Is he selfish? Yes. Did he handle the situation appropriately? No. Did he essentially hold the entire NBA hostage? Yes. Has he won more NBA Finals games than Dane Fife, RT Hottie #2 or Susan Olsen? No. Did I want him on the Bulls? You bet your freakin' ass I did.

* So, did LeBron make the best decision given his desire to win championships? Well, I don't think it is as bad an idea as a senior prom for senior citizens, but I also don't think it is as good an idea as a pizza party for all of Pittsburgh (by the way, how did the Cubs get a runner on first base anyway? Must have been catchers' interference). James-Bosh-Wade is certainly a formidable trio and they will go into the '10-11 season as the favorites, but it is foolish to underestimate the importance of surrounding the trifecta with decent supporting pieces. In other words, if they are able to find a Derek Fisher, a Steve Kerr, and a Cliff Levingston, they will be fine. If, on the other hand, if the best Riley and his cronies can do are Fred Hoiberg, Dalibor Bagaric and Khalid El Amin, they are in trouble.

* Ulitmately, I am disappointed that LeBron has decided that he would rather live on a diet of stone crabs than deep dish pizza, hot dogs with no ketchup, and italian beef sandwiches, but I am not going to bitch and moan like Cavaliers' owner Dan Gilbert. Sheesh, I have not heard someone sound more like a scorned eight-year old girl since Cindy wrongly accused Bobby of stealing her Kitty Carryall and then chastized Bobby for having the gaul to spend all his money to buy her a brand new one. At the end of the day, my life goes on, as will the Bulls'. And with the addition of Carlos Boozer, I do believe that the Bulls are markedly better and will be a top-four team in the East next season.

Besides, just as I remind myself every night after watching the Cubs score one run and commit three errors, the Blackhawks won the Cup.

Better add me to the list of people who were smiling last night.

Have a great weekend everyone!

And The Verdict Is...

Flip on ESPN and you are likely to see Chris Broussard sharing the latest information. Turn the channel to the Deuce and find Tim Legler talking about what his sources are saying. Head on over to Comcast Sports Net and there is Stacey King putting down a turkey leg and large mashed potatoes and gravy long enough to break it all down. Heck, turn on Telemundo and you are likely to find the guy in the bumblee suit waxing poetic about what he thinks is going to happen. The truth is that everyone has an opinion about what LeBron is going to do -- based, of course, on the latest information. Oh sure, nobody has actually spoken with Maverick Carter or World Wide Wes or anyone else in James' inner circle, but everyone claims there are plenty of clues that offer potential evidence. And even those that do not even pretend to have any real insider information, claim to have chatted with Lady Cleo or Professor Trelawny or Jimmy the Greek and, therefore, have a pretty good idea about what is going to happen.

To heck with all them.

You see, your visit to Dan's Random Sports Thoughts is going to pay huge dividends. Yes, I realize that you could have spent your valuable ten minutes trying to figure out which Arby's Jeff Samardzija now works at, but you have wisely chosen to spend your time with the RT. And you will be rewarded. You see, I have a guy.

Yes, I have a guy and because I have a guy and you either know me or stumbled upon this blog while looking for Dansrandomportthoughts. now you have a guy. (for the record, Tortola and Aruba are awesome, Samana in the Dominican Repulic is an absolute shithole, and it may be pretty, but there is frightingly little to do in Curacao once you have visited the place where Randal Simon developed his intense hatred for italian sausage). Don't waste your time on ESPN or CBS Sportsline or Yahoo Sports or any other sports site, because I have a guy.

Yes, I know a guy who knows a guy who dated a girl who had a dog whose former owner was in the same karate class as a guy who had a one-night stand with a girl whose brother knows a guy who saw LeBron eat a piece of candy while leaving his basketball camp on Wednesday. That is right...ate a piece of candy. I think it may have been a starburst.

Now, who remembers when Memphis played in the Final Four in 2008? And who remembers when a certain point guard got sick at the Final Four and missed practice? And who remembers why he got sick? That is right! Derrick Rose got a tummy ache because he ate too much candy.

And so, clearly King James will announce tomorrow night that he is not afraid of playing in the shadow of Ron Mercer and will sign with the Bulls.

But wait.... you see, I know another guy. And this guy knows a guy who knows a girl who was once mistaken for Random Thoughts Hottie # 1 and who partied with a guy who tried to get back at his sister by joining the Sunflower Girls. Oh yeah, he also saw LeBron visit some old folks at Shady Acres, where the seniors were watching Golden Girls in the television room. And...get this... LeBron glanced up at the screen right when Blanche (RIP) was telling Dorothy and Rose about how she played hide the rubber ring with Don Shula. Yes, he looked up at the screen.

Looks like LeBron will clearly announce that he will be Livin' La Vida Loca with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on South Beach (and, yes, Gloria Estafan may have to play point guard with Ricky Martin patrolling the lane, but great players just have to make due, right?).

Oh, I am not done yet.. You see I also know a guy who saw Jake Peavy wearing a Cubs hat while singing "Go Cubs Go" in a Las Vegas karaoke bar. Uh, never mind... (Although it is pretty rare that I can cause fans of both sides of town to shake their heads in disgust at the exact same time).

The truth is that LeBron will return to Cleveland. Unless, of course, he chooses to chase alleged billions and play with Eddy Curry in New York, which is clearly his sure-fire destination. Unless the lure of getting Alexi Zhamnov's autograph in New Jersey is too much to pass up, which everyone except Jeremy Roenick agrees is something that NOBODY can pass up. Unless, of course, he really wants that job in the Cubs bullpen. Huh?

The truth is that, despite everyone having an opinion, nobody really has any clue what LeBron is going to do tonight. Except LeBron and he probably signed one of those Mark Burnett special contracts that cause him to lose all the money he earned and give back his torch and buff if he tells anyone that Russell was once again the best player but got screwed again!. In other words, all the talk on sports radio and all the chatter on sports television, and all the Facebook status updates, and all he tweets, and even Adam Richman's thoughts on LeBron - voiced in between bites of a 48-pound pancake - are really just idle noise (by the way, does anyone else think the challenges on that show look easy, but deep down realize that eating 450 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups is likely not in the cards?).

So, I guess we will all just have to wait until tonight at 8:00 to find out his destination (that's 10:00 am on Friday morning if you are reading this Shingo Takatsu). Me? Well, I continue to believe that he will return to Cleveland.

Unless, of course, my guys calls and tells me that LeBron is seen walking down the street singing 25 or 6 to 4 or "Come on baby, do the conga."

* Thanks to those of you who commented on the last post (AllHailtheChief, OrangeWhip, Allinonthefirsthand, Soxfanjoe? Where are you? Medical Stalker? Hello??). That said, I have to ask "MK" to please identify him or herself. Is that Mark Kozak (our beloved "Mad Chemist")? Mark Klinn? Mary Kay? Could that actually be Matt Karchner? Hey, get off the computer and get back to making the beef 'n' cheddars. And say hello to Samardzija for me...

Courting the King

Well, the NBA free agency period is now almost 24 hours old and I still have not received a single call or been asked for a single meeting. Okay, well I did receive one call, but it had nothing to do with playing Robin to Kevin Durant's batman. You see, Stan Bowman called. It turns out I've been traded to the Thrashers too. Sheesh!

Everyone in Chicago knows that, while the names Wade, Bosh, Boozer, Lee, and Johnson are all being thrown around, LeBron is the real target. And, while each of the NBA's 30 teams would gladly sign a 45-year old Dickie Simpkins if it means being able to land King James, only a handful of teams have a legitimate chance: the Cavaliers, the Knicks, the Nets, Los Angeles, and, yes, the Bulls. You really do have to feel bad for LeBron. After all, each team truly has a lot to offer and it is undoubtedly going to be a difficult decision. But, I am going to make it very easy. Rather than having to put up with a parade of GMs, head coaches, owners, and annoying little shits who have not made a relevant movie since 1992 ("Kobe Doin' Work" doesn't count), I have laid it all out for Mr. James by succiently explaining what each potential suitor has to offer. Look, every city can promise seating at the top restaurants and tickets to the hot new show. It is the obscure benefits that are going to make the difference. So, without further ado, let's break down what each city/ team can offer:

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS -- Cleveland is home, but it is the poultry that can truly make the difference.

* Immediate induction into the Shaq-Fu Da Return wing of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

* Use of Bernie Kosar's old "pick" should he ever decide to grow an afro

* An autographed Kerry Wood model-MRI machine

* Jobu's rum, chili dogs at the restaurant where Jake took Lynn after she got her masters degree, free interior decorating tips from Herb Dorn, and possibly even a turn in the sack with Suzanne if he hangs out in the right bar.

* Meet-and-greet with Howard the Duck

LOS ANGELES NBA TEAM

Heck, if LeBron wants to win a championship, there is no better place to go that La La Land.

* Jeannie Buss is lonley. Terribly, terribly lonley.

* Books on Native American art, an incense burner, and an autographed copy of Big Chief Triangle's best seller "How to Fool the World Into Thinking You Are an Elite Coach By Only Coaching Teams that Have the Best Players and Completely Refusing the Challenge of Rebuilding"

* Weekend sojourns to Eagle, Colorado with Kobe and his inevitable sloppy seconds.

* The chance to dine with Jack and find out whether he really ordered the Code Red or whether he was actually covering for Dyan Cannon.

* Meet-and greet with Ron Artest's psychiatr...

Wait a minute...you mean it is the Clippers who have the cap space to sign LeBron?!? Oh, fuck that.

NEW JERSEY NETS -- Can King James really pass up a golden opportunity to get Sergei Krivokrasov's autograph?

* You'a don't'a wanna play fer the Nets? No? No? I'll'a senda Silvio, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy ova to'a break'a yer face.

* The Nets won 12 games last year. Where else will you likely have the chance to play with Dee Brown, Marco Killingsworth, and Chris Kramer?

* If you come down with a case of Spattergroit, Conjoined Twin Myslexia, or even Cooties and can deal with a surly caregiver, there is a pretty good chance your malady will be correctly diagnosed. Say hello to 13 for me!

* Unlimited borscht, Popov vodka, and naked pictures of Anna Kournikova in the locker room AND the occasional half time speech by Yakov Smirnoff.

* The real housewives are having a get together. 8:00 Friday night at the Brownstone. No men allowed. Except you, LeBron. I said real.

NEW YORK KNICKS -- The Knicks have a legitimate chance to bring LeBron to Broadway. Really. No, seriously. Hoo hoo! Ha ha! I haven't laughed this hard since Terrance called Philip an Uncle Fucker.

* Check under the false concrete precisely where the Yankee Stadium third base dugout used to be. Hey, ARod had to stash it somewhere with the Feds sniffing around every corner.

* Thursday is "Feed Anthony Mason" day at the Metropolitan zoo and John Starks will let you steal cheetos from the Shop-and-Save in Queens if he can tell his friends that he knows you.

*Free haircuts from Clarence, lively discussions regarding whether Joe Louis was 137 years old when Rocky Marciano beat his ass, seedless buns at McDowell's, and the chance to see both Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate at the Ms. Black Awareness Pageant.

* Those El Paso guys are out of their minds. The salsa is great.

* The best AIDS walk in the country... but you better wear the ribbon.

CHICAGO BULLS -- Sweet Home Chicago is a true possibility. No, LeBron will never be as popular as Ferris, but free tickets to the Steve Wilkos Show ain't all bad.

* Where else will you have the chance to use Dragan Tarlac's or Kornel David's or Dedric Willoughby's old locker?

* School day lunches with Abe Froman -- the Sausage King of Chicago.

* The chance to watch Mark Prior continue his Hall of Fame career. Oh wait... The chance to see all star Josh Fields. Superstar Joe Borchard? Five tool prospect Corey Patterson? Can't miss Felix Pee-Ay? Okay... the chance to see Randy Wells and Mark Kotsay. Yipee.

* Can you hit .230? Do you make unfortunate errors in the field? Will you suddenly remind people of Einstein Jones when you run the bases? Are you often mistaken for a Venezuelan punching bag? Now playing 1st base for the Cubs...

* The opportunity to drink whatever the hell Patrick Kane has put in the Cup. Find one of Duncan Keith's teeth and win a free Kris Versteeg jersey and a Coach Q brand mustache trimmer.

* Elisabeth Shue will babysit the kids while you ride the El with Rebecca De Mornay.

So, there you have it. As you can see, LeBron has some very tough decisions to make as all the cities on the list have quite a bit to offer. Ultimately, there is going to have to be something that makes the difference. Hey LeBron... Italian beef dipped, large cheese fries and a chocolate cake shake? Welcome to the Windy City King James.

(For the record -- no -- I do not believe that LeBron will be making daily runs to Portillo's this fall. It is, after all, extremely difficult to pass up daily trips to see Rene Russo at the library. Don't worry... I'm sure Anderson Varejao is going to develop a jump shot any day now).

* Now wait...you did not actually think that I could make it all the way through my first blog in almost eleven months without talking about the Chicago National League Ballclub, did you? So, what do I have to say? Well, unfortunately, nothing has changed. Fuck the Cubs. Fuck them right in the ear...