Greetings from Sacramento! You know what? Chris Webber was right...
You see, Sacramento probably ranks about #753 on the list of the cities that I most like to visit. Immediately following Pocatello, Idaho and immediately preceding Paris.........Texas on the list, Sacramento is about as exciting as watching a documentary on the making of Ishtar. There is a very good reason why, after spending more than four years living in Cow Town USA, Adam Rich has spent more time in rehab than Steve Howe and Lani O'Grady (who played Mary Bradford) suffered uncontrollable panic attacks for more that 20 years.
And to think, in all the times that I have visited the capital city of California, I have never run into Ah-Nold, famous Sacramento native and Playboy graduate Barbi Benton or any of the members of the rock band Tesla. Heck, I walk the city streets with a cup of ice at the ready, fully prepared to make the acquaintance of Ron Artest.
And, not surprisingly, I have not seen Sacramento native Lance Briggs at any of the soup kitchens, under any bridges pushing shopping carts or playing the harmonica for loose change. Although, Drew Rosenhaus is certain to make us believe that, given Lance's "meager" wages, panhandling is what it has come down to for the Chicago Bears' linebacker.
And now I learn that my travels have cost me the opportunity to attend the farewell parade and party for one Stephen Hawking Hairston. What was your favorite moment of the Hairston era? Mine was that time he hit a hard foul ball, down the left-field line. Remember that? That was sweet.
Trading Hairston was inevitable. I mean, how many second basemen does one team need? Hawking Hairston may be out the door, but good ol' Thing One and Thing Two are still bumping their kites on the wall, Tony Womack has made a glorious return to the North Side, and, despite the fact that he has traded in his infielder's glove for a first baseman's mitt out of necessity, Todd Walker remains that best second sacker option on the team. And, should major league baseball suddenly pass a law that every team needs at least five second basemen on their roster, Delino DeShields has got to be available somewhere.
...and once Todd Walker gets shipped to another team (it will happen), perhaps we can pilfer third base coach, Jaws Cora, from the South Side. I'm sure that Einstein Jones would be delighted to introduce him around the clubhouse. Just keep him away from the buffet, make sure that Silence of Lambs is not shown on the locker room TVs, and keep Fine Young Cannibals off the stereo.
***Speaking of trades, you've got to imagine that the White Sox are going to be in the market for a relief pitcher or two. Yes, I know that they remain in second place in the American League Central, but, make no mistake about it, this team is extremely good. The only weakness that I can see is the bullpen. Cotts and Big Bobby have been solid and Matt Thornton has been suprisingly good, but Cliff Politte, Boone Logan and Brandon McCarthy continue to struggle. So, who will be available? I'm don't know, but rumor has it that Kenny Williams is asking whether Roberto Alomar has perfected the curveball that he has been working on in Salinas, Puerto Rico and whether Carl Everett is ready to ditch his .250 average with the Mariners and give pitching a try. Williams recognizes that, like a good Kerry Wood injury joke, everyone needs a standby that they can always turn to.
***Last weekend, the Cubs set an all-time attendance record for a three-game series at Wrigley Field, including playing in front of an announced Sunday afternoon crowd of 41,698, which, according to Len and Bob, was the largest crowd to see a game at Wrigley since 40,000+ screamin' Steve Ontiveros fans packed the park in 1979. Given these numbers, you've got to give the folks in charge of remodeling Wrigley a ton of credit as they apparently found a way to add 172 seats to the park on Saturday night and more than 1,500 seats since the Cubs' opening weekend against the Cardinals in April. That's some quick work. Who's in charge over there? Ty Pennington?
My question is, where precisely did they add those extra seats? Did they set up rocking chairs on the dugouts? Chaise lounges in the outfield? Bean bags chairs in the dugout? Did they sell seats in the bullpen? I think I may have seen former Cub reliever Alan Benes eating a hot dog and sitting next to Roberto Novoa. He has to pay to get in now, right? Things have not gotten so bad that he is back on the team, is he?
Now, I do not actually think that they added any seats, but I cannot understand how Opening Day was sold out, the first Saturday game against the Red Birds was sold out, last Friday was sold out, as was last Saturday and Sunday. All five games were played at 1060 W. Addison, yet all five games had different reported attendance figures. I know that the standing room crowd varies, but the crowd total varies to such an extent that the SRO drunks cannot possibly tell the whole story. Does anyone know why the figure differs from game to game? I mean, it really should be rather easy to figure out, shouldn't it? Take the total number of seats, and presto! It's not difficult math. You don't have to channel up the spirit Pythagoras. Even Ron Santo should be able to make a reasonable guess in the Cub Foods Attendance Game.
By the way, is anyone else relieved that they took calculus in school. Talk about a useful life skill. Like learning about the Franco-Prussian War, reading Moby Dick (I get it...Ahab's father never showed him any affection...or something) and square dancing.
So, why is the attendance so inconsistent? Was Jennifer Aniston's entourage really that big?
***Yesterday (it's still Wednesday here on the left coast), I recommended that you all visit the remote parking lot at Turner Field in Atlanta to see the fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run and it got me thinking. So many new ballparks have been built in the last 15 years and I presume that most team officials did not even think about preserving history. For example, I've searched all around U.S. Comiskular, but cannot for the life of me find either the charred patch of grass where Disco Demolition night went terribly wrong or a mass of twisted plastic that once took a spin on the RCA turntable while teens got down in their polyester, butterfly collared shirts and bell-bottom velour pants to The Trampps great hit Disco Inferno. I also doubt that the Cardinals, in preparing for the opening of the new Busch Stadium, had the foresight to preserve for posterity the tarp that ate Vince Coleman, forcing the speedster to miss the 1985 World Series. And I am certain that the clubhouse at Jacobs Field in Cleveland does not contain the most famous piece of sports memorabilia in the history of Indians' baseball. Albert Belle's corked bat? Nope. The police photo of Belle after running down trick-or-treaters with his car on Halloween night? Nope. His diploma from the Eddie Sutton Alcoholism Clinic? Uh-uh. Why, the cardboard cut-out of Rachel Phelps, complete with tear-away, leopard-print dress, of course.
Now, we know that eventually Wrigley Field will have to be replaced and I would like to see the Cubs start thinking about what historical "artifacts" they are going to maintain for future generations to enjoy. And there are so many to choose from, but I have got to go with the Bartman seat, autographed by Moises and complete with abandoned headphones, Harry Caray's puke bucket and the dumpster under the seats in the left field corner, where Sammy disposed of his vials and hypodermic needles, er, I mean, his empty bottles of Flintstone Vitamins. Yeah...Flintstone vitamins...that's it.
By the way, "thesister" and I used to fight over who got the Dino.
What Wrigley Field historical "artifact" do you think should be preserved forever?
***Corey-o-Meter: It is official. Kid Corey is a solid major league outfielder. Hitting sixth in the lineup tonight, he went 1-4 with a stolen base. Yesterday, he hit two home runs in four at-bats, had a stolen base, and made a terrific catch, taking a home run away from a Devil Ray player. Season: .290 (which incidently would place him second on the Cubs in average: minimum 50 at-bats...I ain't sold on Womack, yet)- 7 home runs (3rd on the Cubs), 20 RBI (only four Cubs have more) and 19 stolen bases (that's three more than Juan Pierre). Yeah, but we got Phil Nevin.
***Random Thoughts commenter Bearister was right...we do not have to watch pop flies bounce off Aramis Ramirez's head, relay throws bounce out of Thing Two's glove allowing two runs to score on a single sacrifice fly, or Juan Pierre bounce out of the batter's box after hitting yet another harmless gound ball to the second baseman. There are plenty of other sporting events that we can watch. There's the NBA and NHL playoffs. There's the Arena Football League postseason. Minor league games in Joliet, Schaumburg, Crestwood and among the cows in Kane County. The midget-tossing championship in Norway. Professional golf tournaments that CBS, ABC and ESPN surprisingly continue to allow to go on despite the absence of Tiger Woods. The national spelling bee, poker, darts, log rolling, skee-ball, competitive Old Maid, and some stupid show on ESPN where athletes play the Madden football video game against one another (seriously, this just may be the single stupidest show in the history of ESPN). Well, thanks to "theson," whose wakeup recent wakeup habits suggestthat he is preparing to one day play for former Temple coach John Chaney -- I'd better tell him (1) that he is caucasian and (2) that, thanks to Nehemiah Ingraham, Chaney has retired having gone to the same number of Final Fours as Gene Keady, I have learned that the French Open is also going on as we speak.
Tennis? (Hey, like Rod Carew, I believe in spraying to all fields). It really strikes me how far tennis has fallen in the minds and hearts of America. Not that long ago, tennis actually registered in this country. In the early 90's, we cheered for native sons Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang. We recommended to our friends that they not hang out with Jennifer Capriati or risk getting to know the inside of a South Florida holding cell. Heck, we even marveled at the athletic ability of Venus and Serena and wondered why we can't seem to develop biceps that big.
And then the late 90's rolled around and tennis remained in the nation's conscience. Women continued to cheer for tennis' bad boy, Agassi, even after he jumped the shark and married Steffi Graf. Men watched the early rounds of the women's draw and drooled at Anna Kournikova (given Anna's relative lack of tennis talent, watch the late rounds and you were stuck watching "half a man" -- it's Martina Hingis' quote, not mine -- Amelie Mauresmo, knowing that even if you were attracted to the French tennis star, unless you were willing to put on your favorite sundress, high heels and a wig, your chances of landing her were about the same as getting Jerry Seinfeld to admit to the lady cop that he watches Melrose Place). We wondered when Pavel Bure and Sergei Fedorov would come to blows. We silently hoped that the Russian mob would get involved. Through it all...we had Anna.
Now, it's 2006 and ... uh... Maria Sharapova is hot and... uh ... that's about it. The bottom line is that American tennis has been reduced to the overrated Andy Roddick (please don't tell me I've got Andy Roddick fans here), Lindsay Davenport and a bunch of others that nobody cares about. Roddick was supposed to be the next big thing, but has not lived up to expectations. His ill-fated relationship with Mandy Moore remains what he is best known for. It's actually quite sad. Tennis is actually not a bad sport to watch on TV (although, it was a lot more fun when John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors spent more time yelling at the poor umpire and throwing their rackets than actually playing tennis). Unfortunately, it has become about as relevant in this country as David Hasselhoff.
***Finally, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" has graciously posted a link to some article about women in the late 1800's for everyone to enjoy. I'm sure its very interesting and you know I want to read it, but I'm much to busy thinking about Jessica Alba and Anna jumping on trampolines. Hey, you're right! We are sick!
***Today's Sports Trivia: Four players in the history of major league baseball have registered eight consecutive seasons with more than 30 home runs and 100 RBI. Who are they?
***Yesterday's Pop Culture Trivia Answer. Luke Skywalker almost went from using the force to using the forks in the Bradford household, as Mark Hamill was originally cast as David and played him in the pilot episode.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Second Place? I'm Doing The Carlton Dance!
{Trumpets blaring...streamers falling...balloons flying]
Welcome to the 77th official post of Dan's Random Sports Thoughts. What likely seems an insignificant number is actually quite notable. You see, with my 77th post, I take over second place on the all-time list of persons who have written the most "Blog Posts That At One Time or Another Have Referenced Silver Spoons" (see May 22). With this 77th post, I eclipse Alfonso Ribeiro, whose blog "From Alfonso Spears to Carlton Banks...A Journey," tragically came to an end after Randy Newman released his recent (follow-up) hit "Short People (Got No Reason to Post)." Alas, I remain well short of the record, currently held by one Rick (don't call me Ricky) Schroeder, who currently has a streak of 6,938 posts each of which simply reads "I can't believe my career hit its peak at age 13. Long live Ricky Stratton. Long live Kate Summers. Long live Silver Spoons."
Yes, I have heard the whispers. I are all-too-aware that disbelievers wonder how I went from a skinny, high school, die-hard DePaul fan, writing depth-less pieces for the Buffalo Grove High School Charger while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss to a truly mammoth, 30-something professional, die-hard Iniana fan, writing dramatic, deep posts for the Random Thoughts while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss (1987 or 2006...some things never change). I know the rumors are out there. Jose Canseco may not have mentioned me directly, but I can read between the lines.
And I know that as I achieve this milestone, most of the outside world will continue to question how I got to where I am today. My hometown fans will cheer me, but the rest will criticize me at every turn. They will argue that I am the poster-boy of blog-enhancing cheating. They will claim that I rip off Dan Patrick and Dan McNeil. That I blatantly steal from Dan Marino and Dan Majerle and, should the situation present itself, Dan Cortese (the situation better not present itself). They say that I am a fan of the Phoenix. That my personal trainers were able to stay one step ahead of the blog police. That Google and Yahoo and Ask Jeeves are the tools of my deception. That I am a fraud.
Yes, there were times when I inadvertently borrowed material from other sources. I admit that. The information was presented to me by my trainers and I was told that it was information that was 100% clean and had not been stolen. I called such information "The Clear."
But, I am not going to apologize. I deserve this record and all it takes is one cognizant sports thought for second-place on the all-time list to be mine. And I have chosen this momentous occasion to make the single most important point I have ever made. The point that is sure to get ESPN's attention triggering a series of events that will no-doubt lead to Dan Wagner being named the new feature columnist of ESPN The Magazine. So here goes...
No more excuses. It is time for the Chicago Cubs to trade M...
[crowd noise]
* Anyone else dislike Barry Bonds as much as I do?
* You can bet that major league baseball is laughing their asses off at the fact that Giant replacement radio announcer Dave Fleming's microphone went dead in the middle of the famous home run call. Somewhere, the ghost of Babe Ruth is getting really drunk. Oh yeah, and smiling, too.
* For those of you, too busy memorizing the words to "Informer" (a big thank you goes out to Random Thoughts commenter Darth Anonymous" for making us all just a little more intelligent), San Francisco resident Andrew Morbitzer is the lucky owner of home run ball #715. Morbitzer actually missed seeing the famous long-ball thanks to the whining of his new wife Megan, who asked Andrew to get her a beer and some peanuts. Sure, Megan, wait until Bonds is up to have a salt-craving. Couldn't have decided to get drunk when Jose Vizcaino was up, could you?
Now, I know that it is thanks to Megan's complaining that Morbitzer was in the right place at the right time to get the ball (we was at the center field concession stand when the ball rolled right up to him), but I call it luck. Gentlemen, resist the temptation to find a lesson in this story. This does not mean that we must always listen to the woman in our lives.
And what in the heck was Morbitzer doing getting her a beer? What? Was did she have a run in with Nicky Santoro? Were her legs broken? And don't give me this chivarly crap. It's 2006. Not 1956. Want us to act like it's 1956? Sure, we'll get you a beer...just remember Good Housekeeping's "The Good Wife's Guide." Greet us with a warm smile, speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, prepare the children, and arrange our pillow and offer to take off our shoes, And be a little gay, would you?
Further, please do not forget that you are married now, kid. What's the point in getting her drunk? Hate to break it to you, but your dating rituals are officially over.
Wow, I'm in trouble tonight, aren't I?
* I have to admit that I have little to no interest in Bonds' home run chase. I think the novelty of a good home run race ran off with McGwire and Sosa's assault on Maris' record in 1998. Speaking of 1998, anyone wonder what has become of McGwire's son? Ten years old in 1998, little Mac is no doubt now a "healthy" 18-year old. After all, that kid weighed more at age ten than both Olsen twins...combined...before puking.
* I love sports history and, if any of you are ever in Atlanta, I recommend you spend a few minutes in the remote parking lot beyond the left field wall of Turner Field. Not only is the pavement where the original infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium marked off with a different color (if you go there on a non-game day, you can drive around the bases. I pretended to run over Ken Oberkfell), but the original section of blue chain-link fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run has been left in place and is marked by a plaque. It's one of the coolest sports things that I have seen. Like Farmer Ted when he ended up with a drunk Caroline Mulford passed out in the back of Jake Ryan's Porsche, I really wish I had a camera.
* I had a tough, tough decision to make yesterday. Low and behold, the Cubs actually won! But what to do about hanging the dormant "W" flag with the Stars and Stripes already swaying in the breeze in honor of the men and women who safeguard the freedom that we hold so dear? I mean, I realize that days when it is the norm to hang the American flag are rather rare (Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, etc.) but, lately Cub victories have occurred about as often as Tori Spelling wins an award for her acting.
* I left the American flag flying. God bless our troops.
-- I will be traveling the next three days to the never-exciting city of Sacramento (if I see Tom or Joan or Abby or David or Mary or Susan or Joanie or Nancy or Elizabeth or Tommy or Nicholas, I'll be sure to say hello***). I fully expect to post, however, so please keep checking the site.
***Today's extremely tough Pop Culture trivia: David Bradford was played by Grant Goodeve in every episode of Eight is Enough's four-year run, except the pilot. Which famous actor (fresh off an appearance in a classic Science Fiction movie) was originally cast as David and appeared as him in the pilot episode?
***Last Friday's trivia answers: (1) The Aviator; (2) Last Temptation of Christ; (3) Raging Bull; (4) The Gangs of New York; and (5) Goodfellas were all movies for which Martin Scorsese was noiminated for a Best Director Oscar (but lost).
Welcome to the 77th official post of Dan's Random Sports Thoughts. What likely seems an insignificant number is actually quite notable. You see, with my 77th post, I take over second place on the all-time list of persons who have written the most "Blog Posts That At One Time or Another Have Referenced Silver Spoons" (see May 22). With this 77th post, I eclipse Alfonso Ribeiro, whose blog "From Alfonso Spears to Carlton Banks...A Journey," tragically came to an end after Randy Newman released his recent (follow-up) hit "Short People (Got No Reason to Post)." Alas, I remain well short of the record, currently held by one Rick (don't call me Ricky) Schroeder, who currently has a streak of 6,938 posts each of which simply reads "I can't believe my career hit its peak at age 13. Long live Ricky Stratton. Long live Kate Summers. Long live Silver Spoons."
Yes, I have heard the whispers. I are all-too-aware that disbelievers wonder how I went from a skinny, high school, die-hard DePaul fan, writing depth-less pieces for the Buffalo Grove High School Charger while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss to a truly mammoth, 30-something professional, die-hard Iniana fan, writing dramatic, deep posts for the Random Thoughts while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss (1987 or 2006...some things never change). I know the rumors are out there. Jose Canseco may not have mentioned me directly, but I can read between the lines.
And I know that as I achieve this milestone, most of the outside world will continue to question how I got to where I am today. My hometown fans will cheer me, but the rest will criticize me at every turn. They will argue that I am the poster-boy of blog-enhancing cheating. They will claim that I rip off Dan Patrick and Dan McNeil. That I blatantly steal from Dan Marino and Dan Majerle and, should the situation present itself, Dan Cortese (the situation better not present itself). They say that I am a fan of the Phoenix. That my personal trainers were able to stay one step ahead of the blog police. That Google and Yahoo and Ask Jeeves are the tools of my deception. That I am a fraud.
Yes, there were times when I inadvertently borrowed material from other sources. I admit that. The information was presented to me by my trainers and I was told that it was information that was 100% clean and had not been stolen. I called such information "The Clear."
But, I am not going to apologize. I deserve this record and all it takes is one cognizant sports thought for second-place on the all-time list to be mine. And I have chosen this momentous occasion to make the single most important point I have ever made. The point that is sure to get ESPN's attention triggering a series of events that will no-doubt lead to Dan Wagner being named the new feature columnist of ESPN The Magazine. So here goes...
No more excuses. It is time for the Chicago Cubs to trade M...
[crowd noise]
* Anyone else dislike Barry Bonds as much as I do?
* You can bet that major league baseball is laughing their asses off at the fact that Giant replacement radio announcer Dave Fleming's microphone went dead in the middle of the famous home run call. Somewhere, the ghost of Babe Ruth is getting really drunk. Oh yeah, and smiling, too.
* For those of you, too busy memorizing the words to "Informer" (a big thank you goes out to Random Thoughts commenter Darth Anonymous" for making us all just a little more intelligent), San Francisco resident Andrew Morbitzer is the lucky owner of home run ball #715. Morbitzer actually missed seeing the famous long-ball thanks to the whining of his new wife Megan, who asked Andrew to get her a beer and some peanuts. Sure, Megan, wait until Bonds is up to have a salt-craving. Couldn't have decided to get drunk when Jose Vizcaino was up, could you?
Now, I know that it is thanks to Megan's complaining that Morbitzer was in the right place at the right time to get the ball (we was at the center field concession stand when the ball rolled right up to him), but I call it luck. Gentlemen, resist the temptation to find a lesson in this story. This does not mean that we must always listen to the woman in our lives.
And what in the heck was Morbitzer doing getting her a beer? What? Was did she have a run in with Nicky Santoro? Were her legs broken? And don't give me this chivarly crap. It's 2006. Not 1956. Want us to act like it's 1956? Sure, we'll get you a beer...just remember Good Housekeeping's "The Good Wife's Guide." Greet us with a warm smile, speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, prepare the children, and arrange our pillow and offer to take off our shoes, And be a little gay, would you?
Further, please do not forget that you are married now, kid. What's the point in getting her drunk? Hate to break it to you, but your dating rituals are officially over.
Wow, I'm in trouble tonight, aren't I?
* I have to admit that I have little to no interest in Bonds' home run chase. I think the novelty of a good home run race ran off with McGwire and Sosa's assault on Maris' record in 1998. Speaking of 1998, anyone wonder what has become of McGwire's son? Ten years old in 1998, little Mac is no doubt now a "healthy" 18-year old. After all, that kid weighed more at age ten than both Olsen twins...combined...before puking.
* I love sports history and, if any of you are ever in Atlanta, I recommend you spend a few minutes in the remote parking lot beyond the left field wall of Turner Field. Not only is the pavement where the original infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium marked off with a different color (if you go there on a non-game day, you can drive around the bases. I pretended to run over Ken Oberkfell), but the original section of blue chain-link fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run has been left in place and is marked by a plaque. It's one of the coolest sports things that I have seen. Like Farmer Ted when he ended up with a drunk Caroline Mulford passed out in the back of Jake Ryan's Porsche, I really wish I had a camera.
* I had a tough, tough decision to make yesterday. Low and behold, the Cubs actually won! But what to do about hanging the dormant "W" flag with the Stars and Stripes already swaying in the breeze in honor of the men and women who safeguard the freedom that we hold so dear? I mean, I realize that days when it is the norm to hang the American flag are rather rare (Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, etc.) but, lately Cub victories have occurred about as often as Tori Spelling wins an award for her acting.
* I left the American flag flying. God bless our troops.
-- I will be traveling the next three days to the never-exciting city of Sacramento (if I see Tom or Joan or Abby or David or Mary or Susan or Joanie or Nancy or Elizabeth or Tommy or Nicholas, I'll be sure to say hello***). I fully expect to post, however, so please keep checking the site.
***Today's extremely tough Pop Culture trivia: David Bradford was played by Grant Goodeve in every episode of Eight is Enough's four-year run, except the pilot. Which famous actor (fresh off an appearance in a classic Science Fiction movie) was originally cast as David and appeared as him in the pilot episode?
***Last Friday's trivia answers: (1) The Aviator; (2) Last Temptation of Christ; (3) Raging Bull; (4) The Gangs of New York; and (5) Goodfellas were all movies for which Martin Scorsese was noiminated for a Best Director Oscar (but lost).
Friday, May 26, 2006
Suspended Belief
So Tyson Barrett has been suspended ten games for igniting last Saturday's brawl at U.S Comiskular, Tail Chaser Brian Anderson for five games and Sox third base coach Joey Cora for a pair of contests. At first glance, all three suspensions seem reasonable.
Let's start with Barrett, who has always come across as a genuinely nice guy and who, for some curious reason, truly seems to enjoy playing for the Cubs. There simply is no excuse for what Barrett did. I've heard all the apologists who claim that Pierzynski deserves at least some of the blame for his actions, but the apologists probably also believe that Sammy Sosa really was using his "impress the crowd" batting practice bat and the old grey-haired dude won American Idol fair and sqaure. My advice to Michael. Take the Orbitz challenge. Plan a nice vacation somewhere. Yesterday, I mentioned the Bahamas, but why not book a flight back to Miami, head straight down U.S. 1, and don't stop until you're bellied up to the Schooner Wharf bar, drinking an ice-cold Key West Ale, and, for at least ten days, not give a crap whether Henry Blanco can hit his weight (he can't), whether whoever starts in place of Kerry Wood on Sunday can set an all-time record for most walks in an inning (he can), and whether Tom Kelly, Lou Pinella, Jessica Alba or Jimmy Buffett will be the next manager of the team.
That brings us to Perzynski, who was fined as a result of the melee. Let me make one thing perfectly clear...I do not like A.J. Pierzynski. I read somewhere that A.J. stands for Anthony John, but I am more inclined the believe that it really stands for "Absolute Jerk." Look, there is a reason that the guy finished #9 on GQ magazine's list of "10 Most Hated Athletes" (T.O. finished #1 and Barry Bonds was #2). They absolutely could not stand the guy in San Francisco where he was rounded criticized by his teammates for being a "cancer." Even Ozzie Guillen and die-hard White Sox fans agree that the guy is often a royal pain in the you-know-where. On numerous occasions Guillen has commented about how big a jerk he can be and ESPN 1000's resident Sox apologist, Dan McNeil (not that they need an apologist for much these days), emphasizes the way that A.J. breaks an unwritten baseball rule by running directly across the pitchers mound after making an out in a deliberate attempt to antogonize the opposing team and shoots his mouth off more often than Sidney Deane, Wesley Snipes' character in White Men Can't Jump. In fact, most "experts" agree that Barrett probably received a lot of congratulatory letters and thank you notes from players around the major leagues for the punch.
That said, holy moly, would he look good in a Cubs uniform...
Despite my dislike of Pierzynski, however, I am man enough to admit that both his ejection from last Saturday's game and the resultant fine are unfair. What precisely is he being fined for? Slapping home plate in a demonstrative manner? Irritating...yes, but worthy of discipline? The bottom line is that MLB's disciplinary action against A.J. is similar to when a famous movie director is given a "Lifetime Achievement Award" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (see: Robert Altman in 2006)***
I have to chuckle, however, at A.J. and his ridiculous claims that he wishes that the whole thing would just go away and that he does not wish to talk about the fight anymore. Such comments were made immediately after last Saturday's game. Of course, Pierzynski then appeared on Fox Sports Sunday, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN News in the next two days. I suppose he thought that Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser just wanted to talk with him about the development of Brandon McCarthy or his appearance on professional wrestling's TNA IMPACT! during which A.J.'s "team" was victorious after Pierzynski knocked out wrestler Simon Diamond with a home plate that was handed to him by Johnny Damon (I guess there just happened to be a home plate lying around). I think he may even have made an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show claiming that even 5'10, 195 lb, Cliff Politte could beat the crap out of Steve.
* I really do not have too much to say about Tail Chaser Anderson and his suspension. Protecting a teammate? Hogwash. Watch the replay. Anderson simply looked like a drunk frat guy who was absolutely delighted to be in a fight. He came in throwing punches like the two chicks in the barroom brawl scene in the movie Airplane. Hitting .167 on the season and recently replaced by Rob Mackowiak as the Sox everyday center fielder, Anderson might as well accept his suspension. Head off to Vegas for a few days, Tail Chaser. Plenty of decent strip clubs there.
* So, why did little Joey Cora receive a suspension? According to Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, Cora, who was on the bottom of a pile, "bit Jacque Jones in the foot" (Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" wants to know why Einstein Jones did not report this...good question but for the fact that it is Jones that we are talking about and he has proven that he is far from the sharpest knife in the drawer). Further, it seems as though Cora has been accused of biting people in the past. If fact, I've heard a rumor that an overly cautious Evander Holyfield has gotten a restraining order against Joey. Looks like we have a new nickname...Jaws Cora (although it is not as if the Sox third base coach is going to get a lot of copy in the Random Thoughts, unless, of course, Ozzie loses his mind and hires Wavin' Wendell).
* The truth is that you just never know what goes on at the bottom of a pile in a benches-clearing brawl. Joey Cora mistaking Einstein Jones' foot for a club sandwich (or a hero or a hoagie or a grinder). Tadahito Iguchi and Todd Walker arguing over whether Bobby Flay or Hiroyuki Sakai is a better chef. Bobby Jenks looking to see if anyone dropped a Krispy Kreme. It is the things that happen at the bottom of the pile that baseball likes to keep quiet. You know about the suspensions to Barrett, Anderson and Cora, and the fine to Pierzynski, but unreported are the small fines assessed for rather innocuous trasngressions. Twenty dollars for Jones hitting Scotty Pods with his copy of "Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning" (what can I say? I love that joke!). Sixty dollars from Jermaine Dye's theft of Stephen Hawking Hairston's pocket protector and protractor. And poor, poor Weasley has to use Professor Umbridge's magic quill and write "I will not take my wand out in front of muggles" over and over until the message sinks in after an untimely and ill-advised bat bogey hex gone wrong (look, if you are not a Harry Potter fan, lock yourself in a room with all six books this Holiday weekend. Just get it over with. This is not going to stop).
* A lot has been said about the fight and if I had a quarter for everytime I have heard the media use the all-too-common cliche' "bush league" to describe Barrett's punch, I'd be able to buy myself a copy of "12 Inches of Snow" and try to figure out the words to "Informer." The truth is that I have no idea what the heck the "Bush League" is or who plays in it. Is that the league that Colin Powell was kicked out of for questioning league management's "strategery?" Is it the league where Dick Cheney sits in a bunker below the dugout "just in case?" Is this the league whose games are broadcast on Fox News and roundly criticized by CNN?
Oh wait, this is the six-team international league that Tony Blair mentioned is currently being developed, isn't it? The one with the New Texas (formally Iraq) WMD, the New Crawford (formally Afghanistan) Freedom Fighters, the Houston Jr. (formally North Korea) Nuclear Exhibitionists, the Oiland (formally Saudi Arabia) Friends of the Program, the Even Newer Texas (formally Iran) Sons-of-Bitches, the County Where You Can Get Yummy Croissants Wusses, and the South Florida Hanging Chads.
* The Blackhawks have announced the signing of Dave Bolland, the team's second round pick in 2004. One question..what in the heck took dang long? Drafted in 2004? If this guy is good, what was the holdup? Was Pulford too busy trying to re-acquire Paul Coffey and Doug Gilmour? Was Wirtz too busy trying to come up with a good excuse for taking the away games off television too ("It hurts our dedicated fans who travel to Calgary to watch their favorite team play...").
Oh wait a minute...all ties with 26-year broadcaster Pat Foley are cut one day and three days later, young Mr. Bolland inks a deal? Hmmm... I seem to remember another ultra-popular Chicago broadcaster who was run out of town because Kent Mercker didn't like his criticism of the team and Moises Alou is not man enough to take the heat for his stupid baseball. Now, I do not know of any connection between Foley and Ballond (yes, I spelled his name wrong, It's the Blackhawks, does it really matter?) and Foley has never come across to me as an overly-negative guy. I just think it is a shame the way Chicago keeps losing top-notch broadcasters, but has to deal with Chris Singleton.
By the way, Bolland scored 57 goals and had 73 assists in 59 games for the London (Ontario) Knights last season. I know it's minor leagues, but, wow! Perhaps lady luck will finally smile on the Indian Head sweater and the Hawks will find themselves with the next Mario Lemiex, Paul Kariya, or even the next Ned Braden!
* So Ken Griffey Jr. has finally talked to the media. Of course, the reason he talked to the media is to explain why he has not been talking to the media. It turns out that Junior is upset with the criticism that he has been receiving and the suggestion that he consider changing positions from center field to first base or left field to help lessen the wear and tear on his body. Talking to the media about why one is not talking to the media. Interesting concept. Isn't this a little like wearing a mink coat to protest the unethical treatment of animals? Or driving around the country yelling out a loudspeaker about the high price of gas? Or refusing to shoot in the second half of a Game 7 to prove that your team needs you to shoot to have a chance to win (I'm looking right at you, Kobe)? Or even...and you knew this was coming...a little like going on every television and radio show to announce that you are sick of talking about getting punched in the mug?
* When the hiring of Kelvin Sampson was first announced, I was extremely suprised. And then, once the dust began to settle, I started to like the hire more and more. But now, what the &*%$&#@?!?
The official verdict is in and it is not pretty if you are a Hsier fan. Sampson has been barred from making recruiting calls or in-person recruiting visits for one year as a result of his having made more than 550 impermissible phone calls to recruits while the head coach at Oklahoma. Do you realize how crushing this is? Recruiting is the lifeblood of an intercollegiate sports program and now the head coach cannot, for all intents and purposes, recruit? What in the heck were IU athletic director and president Adam Herbert thinking? You have to imagine that they did their homework (like they said they did) and honestly believed that such a sanction would not be handed down. Well, looks like it did not quite turn out that way!
Sampson better stay up all night praying that he has hired assistant coaches that are extremely good at their job and that can sell IU at least enough to get the kid to come to Bloomington (where they will inevitably see IU's shoddy facilities...but that is another story). (In other words, do not hire Willy Loman). If they are not good, and I mean extremely good, at what they do, IU may very well have to go the Eddie Sutton route and start mailing out envelopes with hundred dollar bills in them or go the Pete Bell route, find a big time booster namedHappy, and buy a new home for Buch McRae and a tractor for Ricky Roe's dad.
I want you to really think about this. IU has now hired a man who, for at least one year, in essence, cannot do his job. It has not worked for the Cubs in signing free agents and it is unlikely to work for Iniana. Think about this in a real world scenario. Imagine the police department hiring a guy who can't fire a gun or slap a pair of handcuffs on Randy Moss. Think about a trucking company hiring a guy with a suspended driver's license to do the New-York to Phoenix run. Think about hiring Ozzy Osbourne to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at your company's softball championship.
Zero tolerance. my ass.
* Finally, as some of you know, I have put a hidden counter on this site to track the number of hits that I am receiving. Let me just say that I have been nothing short of delighted with the apparent number of Random Thoughts fans (why don't you people comment?). In fact, we hit an all-time high of 59 hits on Wednesday. Thank you! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it...
Now, I do not for the life of me, believe that there are 59 people reading this thing (the counter registers hits from the same computer unless they are consecutive) and I was interested in getting a better idea of how many people read the RT on a daily basis. So, I asked the eight members of the RT Advisory Council to abstain from checking the site more than once yesterday. Once again, I was extremely happy with the results. Unless, the eight members ignored my request and checked a number of times anyway, like the time when Bobby wanted to grow taller and actually thought that his ridiculous stretching regimen was working only to find out that each of his sisters had lowered the benchmark piece of tape (hey, their heart was in the right place!), I have a larger audience than I thought! Thank you!
Now, I have got to go save someone from a meat locker. Have a terrific Holiday weekend.
***Today's (I think tough) Pop Culture Trivia: Renowned Director Martin Scorsese has never won an Oscar and has not (yet) been the recipient of the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. He has, however, been nominated as Best Director five times. For which five movies did Scorsese receive a nomination?
Chervin? You out there?
Let's start with Barrett, who has always come across as a genuinely nice guy and who, for some curious reason, truly seems to enjoy playing for the Cubs. There simply is no excuse for what Barrett did. I've heard all the apologists who claim that Pierzynski deserves at least some of the blame for his actions, but the apologists probably also believe that Sammy Sosa really was using his "impress the crowd" batting practice bat and the old grey-haired dude won American Idol fair and sqaure. My advice to Michael. Take the Orbitz challenge. Plan a nice vacation somewhere. Yesterday, I mentioned the Bahamas, but why not book a flight back to Miami, head straight down U.S. 1, and don't stop until you're bellied up to the Schooner Wharf bar, drinking an ice-cold Key West Ale, and, for at least ten days, not give a crap whether Henry Blanco can hit his weight (he can't), whether whoever starts in place of Kerry Wood on Sunday can set an all-time record for most walks in an inning (he can), and whether Tom Kelly, Lou Pinella, Jessica Alba or Jimmy Buffett will be the next manager of the team.
That brings us to Perzynski, who was fined as a result of the melee. Let me make one thing perfectly clear...I do not like A.J. Pierzynski. I read somewhere that A.J. stands for Anthony John, but I am more inclined the believe that it really stands for "Absolute Jerk." Look, there is a reason that the guy finished #9 on GQ magazine's list of "10 Most Hated Athletes" (T.O. finished #1 and Barry Bonds was #2). They absolutely could not stand the guy in San Francisco where he was rounded criticized by his teammates for being a "cancer." Even Ozzie Guillen and die-hard White Sox fans agree that the guy is often a royal pain in the you-know-where. On numerous occasions Guillen has commented about how big a jerk he can be and ESPN 1000's resident Sox apologist, Dan McNeil (not that they need an apologist for much these days), emphasizes the way that A.J. breaks an unwritten baseball rule by running directly across the pitchers mound after making an out in a deliberate attempt to antogonize the opposing team and shoots his mouth off more often than Sidney Deane, Wesley Snipes' character in White Men Can't Jump. In fact, most "experts" agree that Barrett probably received a lot of congratulatory letters and thank you notes from players around the major leagues for the punch.
That said, holy moly, would he look good in a Cubs uniform...
Despite my dislike of Pierzynski, however, I am man enough to admit that both his ejection from last Saturday's game and the resultant fine are unfair. What precisely is he being fined for? Slapping home plate in a demonstrative manner? Irritating...yes, but worthy of discipline? The bottom line is that MLB's disciplinary action against A.J. is similar to when a famous movie director is given a "Lifetime Achievement Award" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (see: Robert Altman in 2006)***
I have to chuckle, however, at A.J. and his ridiculous claims that he wishes that the whole thing would just go away and that he does not wish to talk about the fight anymore. Such comments were made immediately after last Saturday's game. Of course, Pierzynski then appeared on Fox Sports Sunday, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN News in the next two days. I suppose he thought that Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser just wanted to talk with him about the development of Brandon McCarthy or his appearance on professional wrestling's TNA IMPACT! during which A.J.'s "team" was victorious after Pierzynski knocked out wrestler Simon Diamond with a home plate that was handed to him by Johnny Damon (I guess there just happened to be a home plate lying around). I think he may even have made an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show claiming that even 5'10, 195 lb, Cliff Politte could beat the crap out of Steve.
* I really do not have too much to say about Tail Chaser Anderson and his suspension. Protecting a teammate? Hogwash. Watch the replay. Anderson simply looked like a drunk frat guy who was absolutely delighted to be in a fight. He came in throwing punches like the two chicks in the barroom brawl scene in the movie Airplane. Hitting .167 on the season and recently replaced by Rob Mackowiak as the Sox everyday center fielder, Anderson might as well accept his suspension. Head off to Vegas for a few days, Tail Chaser. Plenty of decent strip clubs there.
* So, why did little Joey Cora receive a suspension? According to Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, Cora, who was on the bottom of a pile, "bit Jacque Jones in the foot" (Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" wants to know why Einstein Jones did not report this...good question but for the fact that it is Jones that we are talking about and he has proven that he is far from the sharpest knife in the drawer). Further, it seems as though Cora has been accused of biting people in the past. If fact, I've heard a rumor that an overly cautious Evander Holyfield has gotten a restraining order against Joey. Looks like we have a new nickname...Jaws Cora (although it is not as if the Sox third base coach is going to get a lot of copy in the Random Thoughts, unless, of course, Ozzie loses his mind and hires Wavin' Wendell).
* The truth is that you just never know what goes on at the bottom of a pile in a benches-clearing brawl. Joey Cora mistaking Einstein Jones' foot for a club sandwich (or a hero or a hoagie or a grinder). Tadahito Iguchi and Todd Walker arguing over whether Bobby Flay or Hiroyuki Sakai is a better chef. Bobby Jenks looking to see if anyone dropped a Krispy Kreme. It is the things that happen at the bottom of the pile that baseball likes to keep quiet. You know about the suspensions to Barrett, Anderson and Cora, and the fine to Pierzynski, but unreported are the small fines assessed for rather innocuous trasngressions. Twenty dollars for Jones hitting Scotty Pods with his copy of "Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning" (what can I say? I love that joke!). Sixty dollars from Jermaine Dye's theft of Stephen Hawking Hairston's pocket protector and protractor. And poor, poor Weasley has to use Professor Umbridge's magic quill and write "I will not take my wand out in front of muggles" over and over until the message sinks in after an untimely and ill-advised bat bogey hex gone wrong (look, if you are not a Harry Potter fan, lock yourself in a room with all six books this Holiday weekend. Just get it over with. This is not going to stop).
* A lot has been said about the fight and if I had a quarter for everytime I have heard the media use the all-too-common cliche' "bush league" to describe Barrett's punch, I'd be able to buy myself a copy of "12 Inches of Snow" and try to figure out the words to "Informer." The truth is that I have no idea what the heck the "Bush League" is or who plays in it. Is that the league that Colin Powell was kicked out of for questioning league management's "strategery?" Is it the league where Dick Cheney sits in a bunker below the dugout "just in case?" Is this the league whose games are broadcast on Fox News and roundly criticized by CNN?
Oh wait, this is the six-team international league that Tony Blair mentioned is currently being developed, isn't it? The one with the New Texas (formally Iraq) WMD, the New Crawford (formally Afghanistan) Freedom Fighters, the Houston Jr. (formally North Korea) Nuclear Exhibitionists, the Oiland (formally Saudi Arabia) Friends of the Program, the Even Newer Texas (formally Iran) Sons-of-Bitches, the County Where You Can Get Yummy Croissants Wusses, and the South Florida Hanging Chads.
* The Blackhawks have announced the signing of Dave Bolland, the team's second round pick in 2004. One question..what in the heck took dang long? Drafted in 2004? If this guy is good, what was the holdup? Was Pulford too busy trying to re-acquire Paul Coffey and Doug Gilmour? Was Wirtz too busy trying to come up with a good excuse for taking the away games off television too ("It hurts our dedicated fans who travel to Calgary to watch their favorite team play...").
Oh wait a minute...all ties with 26-year broadcaster Pat Foley are cut one day and three days later, young Mr. Bolland inks a deal? Hmmm... I seem to remember another ultra-popular Chicago broadcaster who was run out of town because Kent Mercker didn't like his criticism of the team and Moises Alou is not man enough to take the heat for his stupid baseball. Now, I do not know of any connection between Foley and Ballond (yes, I spelled his name wrong, It's the Blackhawks, does it really matter?) and Foley has never come across to me as an overly-negative guy. I just think it is a shame the way Chicago keeps losing top-notch broadcasters, but has to deal with Chris Singleton.
By the way, Bolland scored 57 goals and had 73 assists in 59 games for the London (Ontario) Knights last season. I know it's minor leagues, but, wow! Perhaps lady luck will finally smile on the Indian Head sweater and the Hawks will find themselves with the next Mario Lemiex, Paul Kariya, or even the next Ned Braden!
* So Ken Griffey Jr. has finally talked to the media. Of course, the reason he talked to the media is to explain why he has not been talking to the media. It turns out that Junior is upset with the criticism that he has been receiving and the suggestion that he consider changing positions from center field to first base or left field to help lessen the wear and tear on his body. Talking to the media about why one is not talking to the media. Interesting concept. Isn't this a little like wearing a mink coat to protest the unethical treatment of animals? Or driving around the country yelling out a loudspeaker about the high price of gas? Or refusing to shoot in the second half of a Game 7 to prove that your team needs you to shoot to have a chance to win (I'm looking right at you, Kobe)? Or even...and you knew this was coming...a little like going on every television and radio show to announce that you are sick of talking about getting punched in the mug?
* When the hiring of Kelvin Sampson was first announced, I was extremely suprised. And then, once the dust began to settle, I started to like the hire more and more. But now, what the &*%$&#@?!?
The official verdict is in and it is not pretty if you are a Hsier fan. Sampson has been barred from making recruiting calls or in-person recruiting visits for one year as a result of his having made more than 550 impermissible phone calls to recruits while the head coach at Oklahoma. Do you realize how crushing this is? Recruiting is the lifeblood of an intercollegiate sports program and now the head coach cannot, for all intents and purposes, recruit? What in the heck were IU athletic director and president Adam Herbert thinking? You have to imagine that they did their homework (like they said they did) and honestly believed that such a sanction would not be handed down. Well, looks like it did not quite turn out that way!
Sampson better stay up all night praying that he has hired assistant coaches that are extremely good at their job and that can sell IU at least enough to get the kid to come to Bloomington (where they will inevitably see IU's shoddy facilities...but that is another story). (In other words, do not hire Willy Loman). If they are not good, and I mean extremely good, at what they do, IU may very well have to go the Eddie Sutton route and start mailing out envelopes with hundred dollar bills in them or go the Pete Bell route, find a big time booster namedHappy, and buy a new home for Buch McRae and a tractor for Ricky Roe's dad.
I want you to really think about this. IU has now hired a man who, for at least one year, in essence, cannot do his job. It has not worked for the Cubs in signing free agents and it is unlikely to work for Iniana. Think about this in a real world scenario. Imagine the police department hiring a guy who can't fire a gun or slap a pair of handcuffs on Randy Moss. Think about a trucking company hiring a guy with a suspended driver's license to do the New-York to Phoenix run. Think about hiring Ozzy Osbourne to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at your company's softball championship.
Zero tolerance. my ass.
* Finally, as some of you know, I have put a hidden counter on this site to track the number of hits that I am receiving. Let me just say that I have been nothing short of delighted with the apparent number of Random Thoughts fans (why don't you people comment?). In fact, we hit an all-time high of 59 hits on Wednesday. Thank you! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it...
Now, I do not for the life of me, believe that there are 59 people reading this thing (the counter registers hits from the same computer unless they are consecutive) and I was interested in getting a better idea of how many people read the RT on a daily basis. So, I asked the eight members of the RT Advisory Council to abstain from checking the site more than once yesterday. Once again, I was extremely happy with the results. Unless, the eight members ignored my request and checked a number of times anyway, like the time when Bobby wanted to grow taller and actually thought that his ridiculous stretching regimen was working only to find out that each of his sisters had lowered the benchmark piece of tape (hey, their heart was in the right place!), I have a larger audience than I thought! Thank you!
Now, I have got to go save someone from a meat locker. Have a terrific Holiday weekend.
***Today's (I think tough) Pop Culture Trivia: Renowned Director Martin Scorsese has never won an Oscar and has not (yet) been the recipient of the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. He has, however, been nominated as Best Director five times. For which five movies did Scorsese receive a nomination?
Chervin? You out there?
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Statistically Speaking
***WARNING*** Today's post is littered with a number of frightening, ugly statistics that are sure to make you recoil in horror. Put the children to bed and hide the elderly. Random Thoughts readers with heart conditions, weak stomachs or who uncontrollably sob at the drop of a hat ala Dick Vermeil and Roy Williams (in North Carolina he is now considered a "softie" and his annual breakdown is deemed endearing; in Kansas, on the other hand, he is a bleepin' wuuuuuussss) are encouraged to skip this post and visit www.Iwearaskirtandanapron.com Reader discretion is advised. You have been warned.
* In 2005, there were 209 reported murders in the city of Chicago and 10,772 motor vehicle thefts. Vin Diesel commands almost $20 million per film. More than 8 million people worldwide thought that "Informer" by Toronto reggae/ hip hop artist Snow was catchy enough to waste $12 on. I provide these statistics either to remind all of you to keep all of this in perspective or to prepare you for what is to come. I will let you be the judge.
* I am a Cubbs Fahn. I am a Kubs Phan. I am a Cubz Fhan. Sheesh, it's getting harder and harder to say/ write/ admit.
* Not only have the Cubs won only four of their last 22 games, they have been outscored 120-58 during that stretch. What's worse is that if you take the four wins out of the equation, they have been outscored 115-34! Think about that and really let it sink in... I, for one, have not seen such futility since Camp North Star took on neighboring Camp Mohawk in a game of basketball and the score at halftime was so bad that, rather than play the second half, the sexually-charged counselors of North Star elected to subscribe to the age-old theory "if you can't beat em', you might as well humiliate em' " by depantsing the Mohawk players, hopping on their bus and hightailing it the heck out of there.**
* The Cubs are coming off a three-game series sweep in Miami by Joe Girardi's Florida Marlins(overall record 14-31). Let's look a little closer at this monumental achievement. Prior to winning all three from the Cubs, the Marlins were on a 7-game losing streak, were an abhorrent 3-14 overall at Dolphin Stadium and were 1-12 in their last thirteen games played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty teal and orange seats. Want more? Prior to the Cubs arrival in South Florida, a three-game sweep by the Marlins had been about as rare as a compliment from Simon Cowell. In fact, it is only the fourth three-game sweep by the Marlins since the start of the 2005 season (and the other three came in the final three-games of the 2005 season against a Braves team that was resting every player who mattered in advance of the playoffs and in two 2005 series against the Devil Rays). That sweep of the Cardinals by the Cubs sure seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
* At the same time that the Cubs are spiraling down the toilet, the Sox continue to play solid baseball, sweeping the A's at U.S. Comiskular. Surprisingly, a Sox home sweep of Oakland had been about as likely as Charlie Bucket actually finding a Golden Ticket in a Scrum-diddly-umtious bar. The last time it happened? The Division winning season of 1983 as Floyd Bannister pitched seven innings of two-hit baseball in an 11-1 rout, Ron Kittle hit his 32nd home run of the season in a 7-6 victory, and Greg Luzinski hit a two-out, 9th inning walk-off home run in an 8-7 thriller. Ribbie and Roobarb must have gone nuts.
* Great quote looking back on the Ribbie and Rhubarb era... In a 1992 interview with the Chicago Tribune, Roobarb commented ""We took some shots from people ... Even little kids thought it was hilarious. They'd ask for an autograph and the next thing you knew you'd get a fist in the back or a kick in the leg." Bring back Andy the Clown!!
* PolyJuice Potion. It is the only explanation. What else can explain the lack of production out of Juan Pierre this season? For those of you intelligent enough to have stopped paying attention, Pierre is now hitting .230 with an on base percentage of .269 (lifetime numbers of .301 and .350 respectively). And for a guy who was universally trumpeted as nearly impossible to strike out, Pierre is heading back to the dugout with his head down an awful lot these days. This year he has struck out 10% of the time, while in past years, his strikeout percentage was 6.9%, 5.2%, 5.2% again, and 4.7%. Welcome to Chicago Juan! Glad to see Gene Clines is doing his job. Why don't we just hire former Cub lead-off man and lifetime .242 hitter Damon Buford as our new hitting coach? (Wait! Is it possible that Pierre really is Buford? Better check for a flask in the Cub's dugout. It ain't pumpkin juice!).
Most horrifying has been Juan's dizzying lack of production with runners in scoring position. On the season, Juan has precisely two more RBI than me and has had the same number of RBI in the last 43 games as...you. Juan is now a pathetic 0-23 with runners in scoring position on the season.
Look, learning that somebody is not who you think that he or she is is never easy. The entire city of Springfield was shocked upon hearing that the man who was running their elementary school was not Seymour Skinner, but rather Armin Tanzarian. Diane Huxley and her son Derek were stunned to learn that day laborer Frank was really a presumed-dead CTU agent named Jack Bauer. And who among us will ever forget the disappointing look on Lisa McDowell's face when she learned that Akeem was not really a goat herder, but rather the Prince of Zamunda.
I don't know where the real Juan Pierre is, but I, for one, am ready for the Felix Pee-Ay era to begin.
* Did you know?: That the 1998 movie Godzilla is littered with Simpsons references and connections. Not only do famous Simpson voices Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright appear in the movie, but, in one scene, star Matthew Broderick throws a taxi identification plate out of the window of his cab and the name on the plate is "Armin Tanzarian." (For those of you scoring at home, Godzilla grossed $136 million or only $6 million more than it cost to make).
* Yesterday, on Mike & Mike, Jayson Stark was asked about pitchers that could be traded this summer. He mentioned a number of names that should come as no suprise to anyone (Dontrelle Willis, Kelvim Escobar) and then he threw out this nugget..."The team that I would watch closely is the Cubs to see what happens with Prior and Wood." He went on to say that the Cubs are really beginning to wonder whether the two "superstars" are more likely to become the next Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling or the next Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie.
My initial, knee-jerk reaction, of course, was "Holy moly! We had better get a whole lot in return to let either of them go!" But then I really started to think about it...
In case you have not noticed, since the magical run of 2003, stalwarts Paul Byrd, Aaron Cook, and, it kills me to say this, Shawn Estes have more major league victories than Prior's 18 (Estes has 22 wins and injuries limited him to only 21 games in 2005 and one game this year). The list is even longer when you compare Wood's 11 victories since losing Game 7 to the Marlins. It includes all-time greats Wandy Rodriguez (16), Kirk Saarloos (14). Tomo Ohka (16), and, yes, Gopherball Glendon, who has 16 wins under his belt.
Of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, has as many wins in simulated game as Wood and Prior, though...
So, why not trade Prior and Wood? I saw at least one report that in his Rookie League starts Prior's fastball is topping out at 86 mph. Great, just what we need...another Greg Maddux. Wood, naturally, is expected to miss his next start with shoulder stiffness.
And you know that, at this point, the Cubs have got to be strongly considering the possibility. Stark also mentioned that it was the Cubs who were strongly pushing for the rumored Prior for Tejada trade this past winter. Boy, that's the last thing our offense needs... a guy hitting .335 with 13 home runs and 35 RBI. Make some calls Jim Hendry. Maybe Ben Gordon is available.
* I recognize that my whining about walks and first pitch strikes is quickly becoming the Random Thoughts' "They killed Kenny!" in that I seems as though Kirstie Alley can go longer without eating a box of Twinkies than I can without mentioning my distaste for base on balls, but I have what I feel is a pretty telling stat. Last Friday, at U.S. Comiskular, the White Sox soundly defeated the Cubs 7-1. Greg Maddux got shelled, while Mark Buehrle gave up two measley hits. The reason? Simple. Maddux was, for the most part, pitching behind in the count, while Buerhle was throwing a bucketful of first-pitch strikes.
In total, Maddux threw 14 first-pitch balls (47%) and 9 first-pitch strikes (9%) (7 balls were put into play). Buehrle, on the other hand, threw 11 first-pitch balls (34%) and 20 strikes (62.5%)(only one ball was put into play....guess all the conspirarists who claim that Dusty tells his hitters to swing at the first pitch are a little off). The strike zone hasn't changed since the 1800's, Greg.
* Of course, rock bottom came on Saturday, with Rich Hill, who had all the control of Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid after an evening at Prive in New York. Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam really did not bother me. What bothered me were the four walks that preceeded Iguchi's big bomb.
I know that Dusty is a renowned player's manager, but just once I want him to walk out to the mound, grab the pitcher by the jersey, look him right in the eye and say "If you throw one more pitch out of the strike zone, you are out of this dang game and headed straight back to Rookie Ball!" (where he can do battle with Prior) and that is a sanitized version. If you really want to know what I would like to see Dusty say, simply imagine the few choice words that Ozzie would intersperse into the statement.
That is why I was so impressed with Marlins' manager Joe Girardi this week. You know what? After seeing Girardi grab pitcher Scott Olsen by the jersey and drag him into the tunnel for a little chat during Monday night's game, I would hire Joe to lead my ballclub in a second. I'm not looking for Bob Knight or Pat Summitt or any other coach or manager who thinks he or she is the main attraction and, as a result, generally acts like an ass. Give me Herman Boone. He went straight into T.C. Williams High and didn't take any crap from anyone...not the star linebacker, the former coach or even his snotty nose daughter.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Cooled off with one hit in four at-bats. Season: It has been a while since the Random Thoughts last presented the Corey-o-Meter, so I want to make sure that you are all sitting down. Take a deep breath. Good. Are you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
As a result of Kid Corey's recent 11-19 hot streak, Patterson is now hitting .304 with 5 home runs, 18 RBI and 15 stolen bases. Look the kid ain't Roberto Clemente. And he ain't Ricky Henderson or A-Rod or Ken Griffey Jr. or even Andre Dawson. But, he ain't Juan Pierre either.
For the record, Kid Corey was traded for 2B Nate Spears (.212-0-9 with the Daytona Cubs) and pitcher Carlos Perez (6.75 ERA, 17 BB in 20 IP). Looks like Mssrs Spears and Perez are about as likely to make an impact in the major league as Pam Anderson is to be asked to play Lady MacBeth in Shakespeare in the Park.
* Something really special is happening just 300 miles south of the Windy City, where Albert Pujols is putting up truly mind-numbing numbers. For those of you who are still too busy trying to locate the names of the 38 songs from 1984 and, therefore, have not been paying attention, Pujols now has a whopping 23 home runs and 57 RBI in 45 games. You can bet that major league baseball is hoping that Pujols will break Barry Bonds' single season home run record (and Hack Wilson's record 191 RBI is also very much in jeopardy, although no matter what happens, the 5'6 Wilson will always hold the RBI per inch ratio).
Finding something negative to say about Pujols' game is more difficult than finding something positive to say about Neifi Perez's ability (well, there is that bunting thing). Picking the one aspect that is most impressive is like trying to name Jessica Alba's best feature. That said, Albert's home run to strikeout ration is absolutely mind boggling. Let me caution you that you really need to let this sink in to fully appreciate it. Pujols has 23 HR on the season, but only 12 strikeouts (almost a 1-2 HR/K ratio). By comparison, the Cubs, as a team, have hit 33 long balls and struck out 245 times for a ratio of 7.4-1 (and the Cubs' figure is really not that out of line with what you will find throughout major league baseball). In fact, if you look at the top-50 home run hitters this season, Pujols is the only one with more home runs than strikeouts and only Carlos Lee is even remotely close (18 K, 16 HR)
* By the way, after careful consideration, I'm going to have to go with the pierced navel.
Suspensions from last Saturday's Cubs-Sox brawl are expected to be handed down tomorrow (I don't pretend toknow precisely how long the suspensions will be, but if I'm Tyson Barrett, I'm not hesitating to plan a vacation to the Bahamas or somewhere) and I expect to give you my thoughts on the fight in tomorrow's post.
Have a good night! Enjoy listening to your Snow album...
Today's Pop Culture Trivia: What actor was head counselor at Camp Mohawk and what was his character's name? Extra credit to anyone who can also name the Director of Camp North Star...
* In 2005, there were 209 reported murders in the city of Chicago and 10,772 motor vehicle thefts. Vin Diesel commands almost $20 million per film. More than 8 million people worldwide thought that "Informer" by Toronto reggae/ hip hop artist Snow was catchy enough to waste $12 on. I provide these statistics either to remind all of you to keep all of this in perspective or to prepare you for what is to come. I will let you be the judge.
* I am a Cubbs Fahn. I am a Kubs Phan. I am a Cubz Fhan. Sheesh, it's getting harder and harder to say/ write/ admit.
* Not only have the Cubs won only four of their last 22 games, they have been outscored 120-58 during that stretch. What's worse is that if you take the four wins out of the equation, they have been outscored 115-34! Think about that and really let it sink in... I, for one, have not seen such futility since Camp North Star took on neighboring Camp Mohawk in a game of basketball and the score at halftime was so bad that, rather than play the second half, the sexually-charged counselors of North Star elected to subscribe to the age-old theory "if you can't beat em', you might as well humiliate em' " by depantsing the Mohawk players, hopping on their bus and hightailing it the heck out of there.**
* The Cubs are coming off a three-game series sweep in Miami by Joe Girardi's Florida Marlins(overall record 14-31). Let's look a little closer at this monumental achievement. Prior to winning all three from the Cubs, the Marlins were on a 7-game losing streak, were an abhorrent 3-14 overall at Dolphin Stadium and were 1-12 in their last thirteen games played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty teal and orange seats. Want more? Prior to the Cubs arrival in South Florida, a three-game sweep by the Marlins had been about as rare as a compliment from Simon Cowell. In fact, it is only the fourth three-game sweep by the Marlins since the start of the 2005 season (and the other three came in the final three-games of the 2005 season against a Braves team that was resting every player who mattered in advance of the playoffs and in two 2005 series against the Devil Rays). That sweep of the Cardinals by the Cubs sure seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
* At the same time that the Cubs are spiraling down the toilet, the Sox continue to play solid baseball, sweeping the A's at U.S. Comiskular. Surprisingly, a Sox home sweep of Oakland had been about as likely as Charlie Bucket actually finding a Golden Ticket in a Scrum-diddly-umtious bar. The last time it happened? The Division winning season of 1983 as Floyd Bannister pitched seven innings of two-hit baseball in an 11-1 rout, Ron Kittle hit his 32nd home run of the season in a 7-6 victory, and Greg Luzinski hit a two-out, 9th inning walk-off home run in an 8-7 thriller. Ribbie and Roobarb must have gone nuts.
* Great quote looking back on the Ribbie and Rhubarb era... In a 1992 interview with the Chicago Tribune, Roobarb commented ""We took some shots from people ... Even little kids thought it was hilarious. They'd ask for an autograph and the next thing you knew you'd get a fist in the back or a kick in the leg." Bring back Andy the Clown!!
* PolyJuice Potion. It is the only explanation. What else can explain the lack of production out of Juan Pierre this season? For those of you intelligent enough to have stopped paying attention, Pierre is now hitting .230 with an on base percentage of .269 (lifetime numbers of .301 and .350 respectively). And for a guy who was universally trumpeted as nearly impossible to strike out, Pierre is heading back to the dugout with his head down an awful lot these days. This year he has struck out 10% of the time, while in past years, his strikeout percentage was 6.9%, 5.2%, 5.2% again, and 4.7%. Welcome to Chicago Juan! Glad to see Gene Clines is doing his job. Why don't we just hire former Cub lead-off man and lifetime .242 hitter Damon Buford as our new hitting coach? (Wait! Is it possible that Pierre really is Buford? Better check for a flask in the Cub's dugout. It ain't pumpkin juice!).
Most horrifying has been Juan's dizzying lack of production with runners in scoring position. On the season, Juan has precisely two more RBI than me and has had the same number of RBI in the last 43 games as...you. Juan is now a pathetic 0-23 with runners in scoring position on the season.
Look, learning that somebody is not who you think that he or she is is never easy. The entire city of Springfield was shocked upon hearing that the man who was running their elementary school was not Seymour Skinner, but rather Armin Tanzarian. Diane Huxley and her son Derek were stunned to learn that day laborer Frank was really a presumed-dead CTU agent named Jack Bauer. And who among us will ever forget the disappointing look on Lisa McDowell's face when she learned that Akeem was not really a goat herder, but rather the Prince of Zamunda.
I don't know where the real Juan Pierre is, but I, for one, am ready for the Felix Pee-Ay era to begin.
* Did you know?: That the 1998 movie Godzilla is littered with Simpsons references and connections. Not only do famous Simpson voices Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright appear in the movie, but, in one scene, star Matthew Broderick throws a taxi identification plate out of the window of his cab and the name on the plate is "Armin Tanzarian." (For those of you scoring at home, Godzilla grossed $136 million or only $6 million more than it cost to make).
* Yesterday, on Mike & Mike, Jayson Stark was asked about pitchers that could be traded this summer. He mentioned a number of names that should come as no suprise to anyone (Dontrelle Willis, Kelvim Escobar) and then he threw out this nugget..."The team that I would watch closely is the Cubs to see what happens with Prior and Wood." He went on to say that the Cubs are really beginning to wonder whether the two "superstars" are more likely to become the next Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling or the next Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie.
My initial, knee-jerk reaction, of course, was "Holy moly! We had better get a whole lot in return to let either of them go!" But then I really started to think about it...
In case you have not noticed, since the magical run of 2003, stalwarts Paul Byrd, Aaron Cook, and, it kills me to say this, Shawn Estes have more major league victories than Prior's 18 (Estes has 22 wins and injuries limited him to only 21 games in 2005 and one game this year). The list is even longer when you compare Wood's 11 victories since losing Game 7 to the Marlins. It includes all-time greats Wandy Rodriguez (16), Kirk Saarloos (14). Tomo Ohka (16), and, yes, Gopherball Glendon, who has 16 wins under his belt.
Of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, has as many wins in simulated game as Wood and Prior, though...
So, why not trade Prior and Wood? I saw at least one report that in his Rookie League starts Prior's fastball is topping out at 86 mph. Great, just what we need...another Greg Maddux. Wood, naturally, is expected to miss his next start with shoulder stiffness.
And you know that, at this point, the Cubs have got to be strongly considering the possibility. Stark also mentioned that it was the Cubs who were strongly pushing for the rumored Prior for Tejada trade this past winter. Boy, that's the last thing our offense needs... a guy hitting .335 with 13 home runs and 35 RBI. Make some calls Jim Hendry. Maybe Ben Gordon is available.
* I recognize that my whining about walks and first pitch strikes is quickly becoming the Random Thoughts' "They killed Kenny!" in that I seems as though Kirstie Alley can go longer without eating a box of Twinkies than I can without mentioning my distaste for base on balls, but I have what I feel is a pretty telling stat. Last Friday, at U.S. Comiskular, the White Sox soundly defeated the Cubs 7-1. Greg Maddux got shelled, while Mark Buehrle gave up two measley hits. The reason? Simple. Maddux was, for the most part, pitching behind in the count, while Buerhle was throwing a bucketful of first-pitch strikes.
In total, Maddux threw 14 first-pitch balls (47%) and 9 first-pitch strikes (9%) (7 balls were put into play). Buehrle, on the other hand, threw 11 first-pitch balls (34%) and 20 strikes (62.5%)(only one ball was put into play....guess all the conspirarists who claim that Dusty tells his hitters to swing at the first pitch are a little off). The strike zone hasn't changed since the 1800's, Greg.
* Of course, rock bottom came on Saturday, with Rich Hill, who had all the control of Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid after an evening at Prive in New York. Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam really did not bother me. What bothered me were the four walks that preceeded Iguchi's big bomb.
I know that Dusty is a renowned player's manager, but just once I want him to walk out to the mound, grab the pitcher by the jersey, look him right in the eye and say "If you throw one more pitch out of the strike zone, you are out of this dang game and headed straight back to Rookie Ball!" (where he can do battle with Prior) and that is a sanitized version. If you really want to know what I would like to see Dusty say, simply imagine the few choice words that Ozzie would intersperse into the statement.
That is why I was so impressed with Marlins' manager Joe Girardi this week. You know what? After seeing Girardi grab pitcher Scott Olsen by the jersey and drag him into the tunnel for a little chat during Monday night's game, I would hire Joe to lead my ballclub in a second. I'm not looking for Bob Knight or Pat Summitt or any other coach or manager who thinks he or she is the main attraction and, as a result, generally acts like an ass. Give me Herman Boone. He went straight into T.C. Williams High and didn't take any crap from anyone...not the star linebacker, the former coach or even his snotty nose daughter.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Cooled off with one hit in four at-bats. Season: It has been a while since the Random Thoughts last presented the Corey-o-Meter, so I want to make sure that you are all sitting down. Take a deep breath. Good. Are you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
As a result of Kid Corey's recent 11-19 hot streak, Patterson is now hitting .304 with 5 home runs, 18 RBI and 15 stolen bases. Look the kid ain't Roberto Clemente. And he ain't Ricky Henderson or A-Rod or Ken Griffey Jr. or even Andre Dawson. But, he ain't Juan Pierre either.
For the record, Kid Corey was traded for 2B Nate Spears (.212-0-9 with the Daytona Cubs) and pitcher Carlos Perez (6.75 ERA, 17 BB in 20 IP). Looks like Mssrs Spears and Perez are about as likely to make an impact in the major league as Pam Anderson is to be asked to play Lady MacBeth in Shakespeare in the Park.
* Something really special is happening just 300 miles south of the Windy City, where Albert Pujols is putting up truly mind-numbing numbers. For those of you who are still too busy trying to locate the names of the 38 songs from 1984 and, therefore, have not been paying attention, Pujols now has a whopping 23 home runs and 57 RBI in 45 games. You can bet that major league baseball is hoping that Pujols will break Barry Bonds' single season home run record (and Hack Wilson's record 191 RBI is also very much in jeopardy, although no matter what happens, the 5'6 Wilson will always hold the RBI per inch ratio).
Finding something negative to say about Pujols' game is more difficult than finding something positive to say about Neifi Perez's ability (well, there is that bunting thing). Picking the one aspect that is most impressive is like trying to name Jessica Alba's best feature. That said, Albert's home run to strikeout ration is absolutely mind boggling. Let me caution you that you really need to let this sink in to fully appreciate it. Pujols has 23 HR on the season, but only 12 strikeouts (almost a 1-2 HR/K ratio). By comparison, the Cubs, as a team, have hit 33 long balls and struck out 245 times for a ratio of 7.4-1 (and the Cubs' figure is really not that out of line with what you will find throughout major league baseball). In fact, if you look at the top-50 home run hitters this season, Pujols is the only one with more home runs than strikeouts and only Carlos Lee is even remotely close (18 K, 16 HR)
* By the way, after careful consideration, I'm going to have to go with the pierced navel.
Suspensions from last Saturday's Cubs-Sox brawl are expected to be handed down tomorrow (I don't pretend toknow precisely how long the suspensions will be, but if I'm Tyson Barrett, I'm not hesitating to plan a vacation to the Bahamas or somewhere) and I expect to give you my thoughts on the fight in tomorrow's post.
Have a good night! Enjoy listening to your Snow album...
Today's Pop Culture Trivia: What actor was head counselor at Camp Mohawk and what was his character's name? Extra credit to anyone who can also name the Director of Camp North Star...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Out of the Lineup
Due to circumstances out of my control ("theson" is under the weather), there will be no new post today. Normally, I would think that he is faking just to stay home to watch today's big Cubs-Marlins game, but he's never lead me to believe that he enjoys wasting two-three hours in the past, so I am going to trust that he is really sick.
By the way, yes, I did hear Jayson Starks' rather interesting comments regarding Kerry Wood and Mark Prior on this morning's Mike & Mike and plan to talk about the possibility that either or both could be traded by the Cubs tomorrow (no, they are not likely to be traded tomorrow, I am simply going to talk about the possibility tomorrow -- what is the proper grammar?)
Have a great day! Speak with you tomorrow.
By the way, yes, I did hear Jayson Starks' rather interesting comments regarding Kerry Wood and Mark Prior on this morning's Mike & Mike and plan to talk about the possibility that either or both could be traded by the Cubs tomorrow (no, they are not likely to be traded tomorrow, I am simply going to talk about the possibility tomorrow -- what is the proper grammar?)
Have a great day! Speak with you tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Bleeding Blue
Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of attending a surprise 40th birthday party for my sister-in-law. The party, which was held a meager five hours after Tyson Barrett played George McFly to A.J. Pierzynski's Biff Tannen (with a little less success) and a mere 27 hours after Friday's absolute debacle, was held at my sister-in-law's house in Homewood, Illinois. Homewood, you see, is just south of Hazel Crest, which is adjacent to Markham, which is just down Route 57 from Blue Island, which sit a couple of miles south of twin rusted pick-up trucks on blocks parked on a lawn on 101st Street, which is a relatively short drive from a row of crack houses on 73rd, which is a stones throw from a boarded up Wendy's on 71st, which is not far from Uncle Montavious' chicken and rib and candy and cigarette shack on 55th street, which is a short 20 blocks from the scene of the crime(s)... U.S. Comiskular Field. A Cubs fan in a sea of Ross Gload devotees.
Great. So must be how Peter felt at the Sunflower Girl meeting.
Eventually, I started chatting with a very nice couple. She was an absolute die-hard Sox fan. The kind who thinks Hawk Harrelson is witty and charming and Ozzie's incessant cursing is just his "colorful" personality. The kind who follows, to the letter, grinder ball rule #1060: Satan's playground is located at the corner of Clark and Addison . He, on the other hand, was a recent convert. A former Cub fan who had given up and gone to the dark side (it's the Sox words, not mine). And he had some advice that he was willing to share. He looked me right in the eye and said "tomorrow, when you wake up, I want you to repeat over and over 'I am a Sox fan."
What exactly was he suggesting? Trade in my Ryne Sandberg pin-striped home jersey for a Harold Baines #3? Celebrate at the altar of Nancy Faust? Remember Harry Caray, not for his drunken mispronunciations of Buechele, Trachsel and Telemaco, but rather for his drunken mispronunciations of Soderholm, Nordhagen and Barrios?
Well, you know what? In my opinion, it simply doesn't work that way.
I am a Cubs fan. Period. And that means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Houston Astros on a rainy May afternoon at Wrigley. It means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood dominates the Atlanta Braves in the 5th and deciding game of the 2003 N.L. Divisional Series. And, yes, it means that I am a Cubs fan when Wood gives up three-home runs against the National Expos in his return to the big leagues, when Wood (or any other Cub pitcher...take your pick) walks twelve batters in two innings, and, of course, when the team announces that he will miss the next month and a half recovering from cat scratch fever. I am a Cubs fan.
After Rich Hill walked his fourth batter of the second inning Saturday (by the way, my Friday prediction about Hill's walks was supposed to be tounge in cheek), I was angry. Very angry. So angry that I swore to a number of Random Thoughts commenters and readers (especially "thewife," "thedaughter," "theson," "thecat," "theothercat," and "thehighdefintionTV") that I was finished. I swore that I would no longer watch the Cubs until they started playing baseball the right way. I pledged that WGN, WCIU and Comcast would no longer be part of my television watching rotation until the base on balls, stupid bunts, errors, inability to get a clutch hit, stupid baserunnning, mental breakdowns, poor fundamentals, more mental breakdowns, and lack of overall hustle were a thing of the past. Thewife laughed. Thedaughter laughed. Theson laughed (although he was just amused by a toy). Thecat laughed. Theothercat took a crap on the rug.
And they were right to laugh. Because I am a Cubs fan. I can't just renounce my allegiance and apply for membership in the Neal Cotts fan club (although after his performance on Sunday, I would kind of like to). I can't just strut around town in a yellow White Sox jersey, no matter how stylish they are. They have better food at U.S. Comiskular, better sight lines, and better activities for the kids. The bathrooms are clean. But, you know what? I'd still rather dodge falling concrete, peer around a giant pole and pee in a trough. Because I am a Cubs fan.
Maybe, I am part of the problem. What's the old argument? Why would things change if you are not willing to let management know of your displeasure?
The old argument does not work, though with the tourist attraction that is the Cubs. I can stay away from the park, but Esther, Bea, Ruth, Josephine and Georgina are still going to make the bus trip from Cedar Rapids to see whether Bronson Arroyo can hit yet more home runs off of Gopherball Glendon. I can refuse to accept a free ticket to a game if offered to me, but Troy, Justin and their buddies are still going to sit in the bleachers drinking beer and hitting on every girl that walks (and a few that don't). This is reality.
But, it really does not matter. I'm not going to watch reruns of Temptation Island on the Reality TV channel instead of Len and Bob. Because I am a Cubs fan. I will cheer on my Cubs from the first pitch with the score tied to the last pitch with the team down 19-1. I will root for Ronny Cedeno to become the solid everyday shortstop that we all know he can be. I will hope that Big Z can harness his emotions and develop into a true Cy Young candidate. I will watch Weasley become a batting champion and pray that he does not turn to "Just For Men" (and if he does, I will be mad, but I will support him). I will be there hoping that a turnaround is just waiting for the return of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood and Wade Miller. And if they can't come back? Then I will be there to celebrate every shoulder surgery. Every pain killer. Every cortizone shot.
I am a Cubs fan.
And I will be forever.
Sigh.
***If you would like the answers to the 1984 music trivia, send me an e-mail at daniel@issa.com.
*** The Cubs Opening Day starting pitcher in 1984 was Dick Ruthven.
Great. So must be how Peter felt at the Sunflower Girl meeting.
Eventually, I started chatting with a very nice couple. She was an absolute die-hard Sox fan. The kind who thinks Hawk Harrelson is witty and charming and Ozzie's incessant cursing is just his "colorful" personality. The kind who follows, to the letter, grinder ball rule #1060: Satan's playground is located at the corner of Clark and Addison . He, on the other hand, was a recent convert. A former Cub fan who had given up and gone to the dark side (it's the Sox words, not mine). And he had some advice that he was willing to share. He looked me right in the eye and said "tomorrow, when you wake up, I want you to repeat over and over 'I am a Sox fan."
What exactly was he suggesting? Trade in my Ryne Sandberg pin-striped home jersey for a Harold Baines #3? Celebrate at the altar of Nancy Faust? Remember Harry Caray, not for his drunken mispronunciations of Buechele, Trachsel and Telemaco, but rather for his drunken mispronunciations of Soderholm, Nordhagen and Barrios?
Well, you know what? In my opinion, it simply doesn't work that way.
I am a Cubs fan. Period. And that means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Houston Astros on a rainy May afternoon at Wrigley. It means that I am a Cubs fan when Kerry Wood dominates the Atlanta Braves in the 5th and deciding game of the 2003 N.L. Divisional Series. And, yes, it means that I am a Cubs fan when Wood gives up three-home runs against the National Expos in his return to the big leagues, when Wood (or any other Cub pitcher...take your pick) walks twelve batters in two innings, and, of course, when the team announces that he will miss the next month and a half recovering from cat scratch fever. I am a Cubs fan.
After Rich Hill walked his fourth batter of the second inning Saturday (by the way, my Friday prediction about Hill's walks was supposed to be tounge in cheek), I was angry. Very angry. So angry that I swore to a number of Random Thoughts commenters and readers (especially "thewife," "thedaughter," "theson," "thecat," "theothercat," and "thehighdefintionTV") that I was finished. I swore that I would no longer watch the Cubs until they started playing baseball the right way. I pledged that WGN, WCIU and Comcast would no longer be part of my television watching rotation until the base on balls, stupid bunts, errors, inability to get a clutch hit, stupid baserunnning, mental breakdowns, poor fundamentals, more mental breakdowns, and lack of overall hustle were a thing of the past. Thewife laughed. Thedaughter laughed. Theson laughed (although he was just amused by a toy). Thecat laughed. Theothercat took a crap on the rug.
And they were right to laugh. Because I am a Cubs fan. I can't just renounce my allegiance and apply for membership in the Neal Cotts fan club (although after his performance on Sunday, I would kind of like to). I can't just strut around town in a yellow White Sox jersey, no matter how stylish they are. They have better food at U.S. Comiskular, better sight lines, and better activities for the kids. The bathrooms are clean. But, you know what? I'd still rather dodge falling concrete, peer around a giant pole and pee in a trough. Because I am a Cubs fan.
Maybe, I am part of the problem. What's the old argument? Why would things change if you are not willing to let management know of your displeasure?
The old argument does not work, though with the tourist attraction that is the Cubs. I can stay away from the park, but Esther, Bea, Ruth, Josephine and Georgina are still going to make the bus trip from Cedar Rapids to see whether Bronson Arroyo can hit yet more home runs off of Gopherball Glendon. I can refuse to accept a free ticket to a game if offered to me, but Troy, Justin and their buddies are still going to sit in the bleachers drinking beer and hitting on every girl that walks (and a few that don't). This is reality.
But, it really does not matter. I'm not going to watch reruns of Temptation Island on the Reality TV channel instead of Len and Bob. Because I am a Cubs fan. I will cheer on my Cubs from the first pitch with the score tied to the last pitch with the team down 19-1. I will root for Ronny Cedeno to become the solid everyday shortstop that we all know he can be. I will hope that Big Z can harness his emotions and develop into a true Cy Young candidate. I will watch Weasley become a batting champion and pray that he does not turn to "Just For Men" (and if he does, I will be mad, but I will support him). I will be there hoping that a turnaround is just waiting for the return of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood and Wade Miller. And if they can't come back? Then I will be there to celebrate every shoulder surgery. Every pain killer. Every cortizone shot.
I am a Cubs fan.
And I will be forever.
Sigh.
***If you would like the answers to the 1984 music trivia, send me an e-mail at daniel@issa.com.
*** The Cubs Opening Day starting pitcher in 1984 was Dick Ruthven.
Monday, May 22, 2006
When You Close Your Eyes (Do You Dream About 1984?)
Still...too...angry...to...think...straight.
Look, nobody, and I mean nobody, was happier that Tyson Barrett and Einstein Jones actually took advantage of Juan Uribe's imitation of Shawon Dunston, but yesterday's 7-4 Cubs victory does not even begin to erase the horrible memories of what happened on Friday and Saturday at U.S. Comiskular. As many Random Thoughts readers, including Bearister, Parrotmama, Daddy Wags and Thewife (especially poor Thewife) can attest, Saturday was...how should I say this?... not one of my better days. And since I am a firm believer that one really ought to cool off before saying or writing something that they possibly do not really mean, I feel the need to hold off on my ranting and raving about Rich Hill, Thing Two and the rest of the boys in blue.
But, since I fully recognize that the Random Thoughts is the singular beautiful flower in the weed garden that is your lives, I will not let you down. Because I know that each of you wakes up each morning knowing that whatever horrible atrocities await you during your day, you can still rely on a well placed DeGrassi Jr. High reference or an unexpected Barry Foote mention, I will fulfill my duty. As Random Thoughts commenter "cubfankev" so eloquently put it...I'm going to "walk the walk," "blog the blog."
I will try and take you back to a happier time. A time of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, leg warmers and designer shoelaces. A time when Fraggle Rock was on every television and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was on every big screen. We ate Pop Rocks and begged our moms and dads for Transformers and Glo Worms. Mr. Roarke welcomed us to Fantasy Island for the final time, while a former major league ballplayer with a tough-guy reputation was hired as Angela Bower's new housekeeper. A time when the world was introduced to a young Alyssa Milano.
Today we are going to dig deep into the Dan Wagner vault of fun. For your enjoyment and entertainment, I have reprinted an original Dan Wagner column, written as a wee lad of 12 in the glorious summer of 1984. Please enjoy this blast from the past! Let's go crazy! Let's get nuts! Let's look for the purple banana until they put us in the truck!
Originally published on June 14, 1984
{Cue: Sound effect of bubbles and visual effect of world getting hazy around us as we take a trip back through time}
* Well, Cubs' General Manager Dallas Green has done it again! Say it isn't so!!! Trading youngsters Joe Carter and Mel Hall for catcher Ron Hassey, relief pitcher George Frazier and overrated starting pitcher Rick Sutcliffe is going to make his earlier deal sending fan favorite Bill Buckner to Boston for Dennis Eckersley look intelligent. I mean, how many pitchers with ERAs above five runs per game do we need? Sutcliffe is 4-5 with a 5.15 so far this season with Cleveland, while Eckersley went 9-13 with a 5.61 last season for the BoSox. What do we need these guys for? Does Green expect to turn Eckersley into a closer or something? That would be moronic. And, while I recognize that Buckner's production has slipped recently and Leon Durham is the new starting first baseman, Buckner is the glue that holds the clubhouse together. You mark my words. Boston is going to love him. He'll retire and be given a parade down Yawkey Way and will forever be remembered for his time in Boston. He'll follow Ted Williams and Yaz as the newest Red Sox hero.
Furthermore, trading Hall will turn out to be a huge mistake. He has future superstar written all over him. Trading Carter, who can't get a big hit in a key situation to save his life, is okay, but trading Mel Hall? Gag me with a spoon. The very idea is positively grody to the max! So I guess that's why they call it the blues.
* Speaking of Leon Bull Durham, I'm a little concerned about his lack of range at first base, compared with Buckner. I have the utmost confidence that he will absolutely make the routine play without exception, but will he get to the ball in the hole? For the sake of the Cubs' infield defense, it's the most important question since Clara Parker asked a nation of fast food restaurants Where's the Beef?
* I'm also not sold on Danny Partridge (man, I hope somebody comes up with a new red-headed fictional character in the future) in right field. I fear that Moreland does not hit with enough power and, time after time, will struggle to drive in runs.
* To his credit, last year he was practically automatic in save situations, but I have to ask...does current Cubs' closer Lee Smith need glasses? What's with all the squinting? To a hitter, Smith straining to see catcher Jody Davis' sign must be scarier than getting your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi.
* Look, I'm not completely down on every aspect of the Cubs. Yes, I think it is going to turn out to be a rather cruel summer, but there are definitely positives. Ryne Sandberg sure looks like the real deal. He's got it all. He has proven that he can hit, play defense and is an all-American guy with a terrific looking wife in Cindy. I certainly know that love is a battlefield and you might think that on-the-road temptation will eventually get the best of him, but he and Cindy seem truly head over heels in love with each other. I've got to believe that they will be Chicago's top couple forever.
* Oh well, should the Cubs collapse as I expect, at least we can all go watch Ivan Reitman's latest movie Ghostbusters, which just came out last week. Bill Murray and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Sign me up! I'd even trade my 45 of Nena's 99 Luftballoons for a ticket.
* Speaking of movies, be sure to check out the character Betty Childs in the hilarious new movie Revenge of the Nerds. What a great set of legs! (Yes, I know that I am only 12, but I'm not dead). She does not quite rival Random Thoughts resident hottie Valerie Bertinelli (I hate to admit this but infatuation is beginning to set in), but you are sure to enjoy the scene in the Moon Jump thing. Hey, girls just want to have fun!
* I'm guessing that actor Anthony Edwards, who plays Gilbert, leaves his acting career behind and either becomes a fighter pilot or an emergency room doctor.
* Not to focus too much on pop culture, but Valerie Bertinelli's husband's rock band just might be the greatest band in music history! And they seem so close knit. Like the aforementioned Ryne and Cindy, I just can't imagine anything happening that can tear Eddie, Alex, Michael and David Lee apart. A breakup is about as likely as a Mondale-Ferrarro victory this fall and would be more suprising than Hulk Hogan's victory over the Iron Shiek two months ago. I've gotta get me a red tank top t-shirt with the horizontal tears in the back! Hulkamania rules!
* White Sox short stop Scott Fletcher is off to a slow start this year and I can only wonder whether he is hearing footsteps. Minor league reports indicate that young Venezuelan SS Ozzie Guillen is almost ready for the majors. Scouts love the kid's hustle and his sanitized, polite demeanor. Let's just hope that he is taken under Richard Dotson's wing and not LaMarr Hoyt's. Otherwise we'll hear move expletives coming from the south side than we heard during last year's Eddie Murphy classic Delirious.
* Does San Francisco Giant outfielder Dusty Baker have anything left in the tank? That is precisely the question that Sox fans are asking. Concerned that Ron Kittle may have only been a one-year wonder (his current average is hovering aroung .200), the Sox are considering trying to pry Baker from the Giants to beef up their outfield (I hear Clara asking her question again...). Dusty would be a terrific addition. He is fundamentally sound, plays the game the right way, trusts rookies explicitly, and, under no circumstances, does he tolerate walks. The Sox would have to thank their lucky star if GM Roland Hemond is able to pull off a little magic and acquire Baker. Unfortunately, San Fran Manager Frank Robinson claims that Dusty Baker will be harder to get than a Cabbage Patch Doll at holiday time.
* Congratulations to newly crowned Miss America Vanessa Williams. May her reign be long and controversy free.
* Those of you who collect baseball cards will be equally jealous of me and excited for me! Yesterday, against all odds, I finally talked Jeff Hoffman into trading me a Fernando Velenzuela and a Darryl Strawberry (hint to city of New York...want to solve the homeless problem? At least six families of eight can fit in each of Straw's nostrils) for a Cal Ripken. Sucker! Ripken is long overdue for an injury (that guy has played something like 340 straight games!?!) and Fernando promises to have the shelf life of a box of twinkies. Like parachute pants and the new sitcom Punky Brewster you know he is here to stay (unfortunately, I'm not quite as optimistic about fellow new sitcom The Cosby Show). Strawberry? The next Willie Mays, I say. After pulling off that trade, I celebrated by doing the Worm and headspins while listening to Ollie and Jerry's "Breakin'...There's No Stopping Us" all night long (all night). I even did a little dancing in the dark.
* The NBA draft is only a few weeks away, and I am already concerned. Houston picks first and is sure to take Akeem Olajuwon (who seems to be missing a letter in his name. Hmmmm...). The key is the second pick to be made by Portland immediately preceding the Bulls' pick at #3. Reportedly, the Blazers are choosing between North Carolina wing Mike Jordan and Kentucky bug man Sam Bowie. Tonight, before we sit down to play Pac-Man or Pitfall on Atari (hey, it's a hard habit to break), let's all agree to say a quick prayer that Portland selects Jordan.
The Bulls already have good guards. I mean how much better can Jordan be than current stalwart Reggie Theus and future all-NBA stud Quentin Dailey? He's a borderline prospect at best. It's not like the guy averaged 20 points in college or anything and, last I checked, the Bulls have no plans to run the four corner offense. The Bulls need a big guy and, hello, Bowie is clearly the pick. Draft Bowie and a championship is in the Bulls' future. Draft Jordan and it's ten more years of mediocrity. Things may get so bad that coach Paul Westhead may find himself out of a job relatively soon, right at the time when we are all reeling over the end of the term for Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah Al-Mustain Billah ibni Almarhum Sultan Sir Abu Bakar Riayatuddin Al-Muadzam Shah as the 7th Yang di-Pertaun Agong of Malaysia.
* Anyone else psyched about this summer's Olympics? I'm so excited, I feel like dancing through town ala Kevin Bacon in Footloose (where's Lori Singer?). No, the commies are not coming, which assures victory after victory after victory for our American heroes. I'm most excited about the basketball games. In case, you have not heard, team USA will be coached by Indiana University's Bob Knight. Of course, the selection of Knight as coach did not come without its share of criticism given his run-in with a police officer in Puerto Rico almost five years ago and his stuffing of an LSU fan into a garbage can at the 1981 Final Four (Knight was convicted in absentia and sentenced to six months in jail and Puerto Rico is still trying to extradite him. Give it up!). Look, in my mind, Knight is an innocent man. Give the guy a break! It's not like he chokes his players.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: Ate Kraft macaroni-and-cheese for dinner because its the cheesiest. Threw tantrum when mom would not let him watch his new favorite show, Webster (mom was watching Fame). Used his toy bat to practice hitting fly balls. Season: Almost five years old. Dreaming of the glamorous life.
* Big Brother isn't really watching me, is he? I mean sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me, but I have a feeling it is just my mom.
That's all. I gotta go watch Silver Spoons. Tonight is the episode when Dexter Stuffins gets a job with Enron and Alfonso's overcomes his dyslexia to win the spelling bee by correctly spelling aibohpphobia. Let's hear it for the boy!
***Today's sports trivia: Who was the Cubs opening day starting pitcher in 1984?
***Today's pop culture trivia: The title of 37 songs from 1984 are hidden in this post. What are they? Do not, however, look for Huey Lewis' "I Want a New Drug" (what exactly was Huey saying?). Crud, make that 38.
Look, nobody, and I mean nobody, was happier that Tyson Barrett and Einstein Jones actually took advantage of Juan Uribe's imitation of Shawon Dunston, but yesterday's 7-4 Cubs victory does not even begin to erase the horrible memories of what happened on Friday and Saturday at U.S. Comiskular. As many Random Thoughts readers, including Bearister, Parrotmama, Daddy Wags and Thewife (especially poor Thewife) can attest, Saturday was...how should I say this?... not one of my better days. And since I am a firm believer that one really ought to cool off before saying or writing something that they possibly do not really mean, I feel the need to hold off on my ranting and raving about Rich Hill, Thing Two and the rest of the boys in blue.
But, since I fully recognize that the Random Thoughts is the singular beautiful flower in the weed garden that is your lives, I will not let you down. Because I know that each of you wakes up each morning knowing that whatever horrible atrocities await you during your day, you can still rely on a well placed DeGrassi Jr. High reference or an unexpected Barry Foote mention, I will fulfill my duty. As Random Thoughts commenter "cubfankev" so eloquently put it...I'm going to "walk the walk," "blog the blog."
I will try and take you back to a happier time. A time of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, leg warmers and designer shoelaces. A time when Fraggle Rock was on every television and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was on every big screen. We ate Pop Rocks and begged our moms and dads for Transformers and Glo Worms. Mr. Roarke welcomed us to Fantasy Island for the final time, while a former major league ballplayer with a tough-guy reputation was hired as Angela Bower's new housekeeper. A time when the world was introduced to a young Alyssa Milano.
Today we are going to dig deep into the Dan Wagner vault of fun. For your enjoyment and entertainment, I have reprinted an original Dan Wagner column, written as a wee lad of 12 in the glorious summer of 1984. Please enjoy this blast from the past! Let's go crazy! Let's get nuts! Let's look for the purple banana until they put us in the truck!
Originally published on June 14, 1984
{Cue: Sound effect of bubbles and visual effect of world getting hazy around us as we take a trip back through time}
* Well, Cubs' General Manager Dallas Green has done it again! Say it isn't so!!! Trading youngsters Joe Carter and Mel Hall for catcher Ron Hassey, relief pitcher George Frazier and overrated starting pitcher Rick Sutcliffe is going to make his earlier deal sending fan favorite Bill Buckner to Boston for Dennis Eckersley look intelligent. I mean, how many pitchers with ERAs above five runs per game do we need? Sutcliffe is 4-5 with a 5.15 so far this season with Cleveland, while Eckersley went 9-13 with a 5.61 last season for the BoSox. What do we need these guys for? Does Green expect to turn Eckersley into a closer or something? That would be moronic. And, while I recognize that Buckner's production has slipped recently and Leon Durham is the new starting first baseman, Buckner is the glue that holds the clubhouse together. You mark my words. Boston is going to love him. He'll retire and be given a parade down Yawkey Way and will forever be remembered for his time in Boston. He'll follow Ted Williams and Yaz as the newest Red Sox hero.
Furthermore, trading Hall will turn out to be a huge mistake. He has future superstar written all over him. Trading Carter, who can't get a big hit in a key situation to save his life, is okay, but trading Mel Hall? Gag me with a spoon. The very idea is positively grody to the max! So I guess that's why they call it the blues.
* Speaking of Leon Bull Durham, I'm a little concerned about his lack of range at first base, compared with Buckner. I have the utmost confidence that he will absolutely make the routine play without exception, but will he get to the ball in the hole? For the sake of the Cubs' infield defense, it's the most important question since Clara Parker asked a nation of fast food restaurants Where's the Beef?
* I'm also not sold on Danny Partridge (man, I hope somebody comes up with a new red-headed fictional character in the future) in right field. I fear that Moreland does not hit with enough power and, time after time, will struggle to drive in runs.
* To his credit, last year he was practically automatic in save situations, but I have to ask...does current Cubs' closer Lee Smith need glasses? What's with all the squinting? To a hitter, Smith straining to see catcher Jody Davis' sign must be scarier than getting your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi.
* Look, I'm not completely down on every aspect of the Cubs. Yes, I think it is going to turn out to be a rather cruel summer, but there are definitely positives. Ryne Sandberg sure looks like the real deal. He's got it all. He has proven that he can hit, play defense and is an all-American guy with a terrific looking wife in Cindy. I certainly know that love is a battlefield and you might think that on-the-road temptation will eventually get the best of him, but he and Cindy seem truly head over heels in love with each other. I've got to believe that they will be Chicago's top couple forever.
* Oh well, should the Cubs collapse as I expect, at least we can all go watch Ivan Reitman's latest movie Ghostbusters, which just came out last week. Bill Murray and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Sign me up! I'd even trade my 45 of Nena's 99 Luftballoons for a ticket.
* Speaking of movies, be sure to check out the character Betty Childs in the hilarious new movie Revenge of the Nerds. What a great set of legs! (Yes, I know that I am only 12, but I'm not dead). She does not quite rival Random Thoughts resident hottie Valerie Bertinelli (I hate to admit this but infatuation is beginning to set in), but you are sure to enjoy the scene in the Moon Jump thing. Hey, girls just want to have fun!
* I'm guessing that actor Anthony Edwards, who plays Gilbert, leaves his acting career behind and either becomes a fighter pilot or an emergency room doctor.
* Not to focus too much on pop culture, but Valerie Bertinelli's husband's rock band just might be the greatest band in music history! And they seem so close knit. Like the aforementioned Ryne and Cindy, I just can't imagine anything happening that can tear Eddie, Alex, Michael and David Lee apart. A breakup is about as likely as a Mondale-Ferrarro victory this fall and would be more suprising than Hulk Hogan's victory over the Iron Shiek two months ago. I've gotta get me a red tank top t-shirt with the horizontal tears in the back! Hulkamania rules!
* White Sox short stop Scott Fletcher is off to a slow start this year and I can only wonder whether he is hearing footsteps. Minor league reports indicate that young Venezuelan SS Ozzie Guillen is almost ready for the majors. Scouts love the kid's hustle and his sanitized, polite demeanor. Let's just hope that he is taken under Richard Dotson's wing and not LaMarr Hoyt's. Otherwise we'll hear move expletives coming from the south side than we heard during last year's Eddie Murphy classic Delirious.
* Does San Francisco Giant outfielder Dusty Baker have anything left in the tank? That is precisely the question that Sox fans are asking. Concerned that Ron Kittle may have only been a one-year wonder (his current average is hovering aroung .200), the Sox are considering trying to pry Baker from the Giants to beef up their outfield (I hear Clara asking her question again...). Dusty would be a terrific addition. He is fundamentally sound, plays the game the right way, trusts rookies explicitly, and, under no circumstances, does he tolerate walks. The Sox would have to thank their lucky star if GM Roland Hemond is able to pull off a little magic and acquire Baker. Unfortunately, San Fran Manager Frank Robinson claims that Dusty Baker will be harder to get than a Cabbage Patch Doll at holiday time.
* Congratulations to newly crowned Miss America Vanessa Williams. May her reign be long and controversy free.
* Those of you who collect baseball cards will be equally jealous of me and excited for me! Yesterday, against all odds, I finally talked Jeff Hoffman into trading me a Fernando Velenzuela and a Darryl Strawberry (hint to city of New York...want to solve the homeless problem? At least six families of eight can fit in each of Straw's nostrils) for a Cal Ripken. Sucker! Ripken is long overdue for an injury (that guy has played something like 340 straight games!?!) and Fernando promises to have the shelf life of a box of twinkies. Like parachute pants and the new sitcom Punky Brewster you know he is here to stay (unfortunately, I'm not quite as optimistic about fellow new sitcom The Cosby Show). Strawberry? The next Willie Mays, I say. After pulling off that trade, I celebrated by doing the Worm and headspins while listening to Ollie and Jerry's "Breakin'...There's No Stopping Us" all night long (all night). I even did a little dancing in the dark.
* The NBA draft is only a few weeks away, and I am already concerned. Houston picks first and is sure to take Akeem Olajuwon (who seems to be missing a letter in his name. Hmmmm...). The key is the second pick to be made by Portland immediately preceding the Bulls' pick at #3. Reportedly, the Blazers are choosing between North Carolina wing Mike Jordan and Kentucky bug man Sam Bowie. Tonight, before we sit down to play Pac-Man or Pitfall on Atari (hey, it's a hard habit to break), let's all agree to say a quick prayer that Portland selects Jordan.
The Bulls already have good guards. I mean how much better can Jordan be than current stalwart Reggie Theus and future all-NBA stud Quentin Dailey? He's a borderline prospect at best. It's not like the guy averaged 20 points in college or anything and, last I checked, the Bulls have no plans to run the four corner offense. The Bulls need a big guy and, hello, Bowie is clearly the pick. Draft Bowie and a championship is in the Bulls' future. Draft Jordan and it's ten more years of mediocrity. Things may get so bad that coach Paul Westhead may find himself out of a job relatively soon, right at the time when we are all reeling over the end of the term for Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah Al-Mustain Billah ibni Almarhum Sultan Sir Abu Bakar Riayatuddin Al-Muadzam Shah as the 7th Yang di-Pertaun Agong of Malaysia.
* Anyone else psyched about this summer's Olympics? I'm so excited, I feel like dancing through town ala Kevin Bacon in Footloose (where's Lori Singer?). No, the commies are not coming, which assures victory after victory after victory for our American heroes. I'm most excited about the basketball games. In case, you have not heard, team USA will be coached by Indiana University's Bob Knight. Of course, the selection of Knight as coach did not come without its share of criticism given his run-in with a police officer in Puerto Rico almost five years ago and his stuffing of an LSU fan into a garbage can at the 1981 Final Four (Knight was convicted in absentia and sentenced to six months in jail and Puerto Rico is still trying to extradite him. Give it up!). Look, in my mind, Knight is an innocent man. Give the guy a break! It's not like he chokes his players.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: Ate Kraft macaroni-and-cheese for dinner because its the cheesiest. Threw tantrum when mom would not let him watch his new favorite show, Webster (mom was watching Fame). Used his toy bat to practice hitting fly balls. Season: Almost five years old. Dreaming of the glamorous life.
* Big Brother isn't really watching me, is he? I mean sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me, but I have a feeling it is just my mom.
That's all. I gotta go watch Silver Spoons. Tonight is the episode when Dexter Stuffins gets a job with Enron and Alfonso's overcomes his dyslexia to win the spelling bee by correctly spelling aibohpphobia. Let's hear it for the boy!
***Today's sports trivia: Who was the Cubs opening day starting pitcher in 1984?
***Today's pop culture trivia: The title of 37 songs from 1984 are hidden in this post. What are they? Do not, however, look for Huey Lewis' "I Want a New Drug" (what exactly was Huey saying?). Crud, make that 38.
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Weekend From Hell
Yeah, yeah, yeah...I am obliged to admit that bunting with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and the tying runs on base is normally about as smart as basedealing in a room of New York State troopers, but let's not be too hard on poor Thing Two. Those of you who have spent the last 20 hours ranting and raving about Neifi's "interesting" strategic decision to bunt really have to take a closer look at the big picture. With the Cubs about as likely to get a clutch hit with runners in scoring position as Reuben Studdard is in actually becoming a recording star (they are hitting a paltry .140 with RISP over the last couple of weeks), pehaps bunting was not such a bad idea. The Cubs needed two runs to tie the game and desperately had to figure out a way to get both runners home. Consider, if you will, the alternatives. What is most likely to happen?
a. Neifi gets an extra-base hit scoring both runs (the Cubs finished the game with 12 hits, but only one was for extra bases).
b. Thing Two comes through with a base hit scoring the runner from third and on-deck hitter John Mabry also comes through with a hit to score Einstein Jones with the tying run. Of course, you have to assume that Jones does not get picked off base for this scenario to work; or
c. Neifi bunts the ball and Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero throws the ball wildly past the first baseman allowing Todd Walker to score from third. Running to retrieve the ball, right fielder Marlon (did you know that there are only two "Marlons in the history of baseball and both are currently on the active roster of the Expo Nationals?) Anderson trips on a ball thrown from the right-field bleachers by some drunk 16-year old and then, thinking the play is over, throws the beer soaked ball into the dugout allowing the tying run to score.
So, what is the more likely scenario? Perhaps bunting wasn't such a bad idea, after all, huh?
In fact, the way the Cubs are going, collecting a clutch extra base hit or consecutive hits is less likely than Neifi hitting a gound ball back to the mound at the precise moment that Morganna the Kissing Bandit runs onto the field to plant a smooch on Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero. Upon seeing how grotesqusly ugly poor Cordero is (that guy is so ugly he makes Sam Casell look acceptable...and Cassell looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down), Morganna then runs to tackle first baseman Nick Johnson, causing the Cordero's throw to sail into right field where it is gathered by a crow who carries it to his nest in Des Plaines.
That, my friends, is the current state of the Cubs.
And now we head into the worst weekend of the year...The Crosstown Classic... Cubs vs. Sox. South Side versus North Side. Beverly versus Winnetka. A gleaming new Lexus versus a rusted Ford pickup in the front yard on blocks. I hate this weekend.
First of all, I hate most of the memories that rush back to flood my head. Mike Caruso. Carlos Lee's grand slam. Jose Valentin's walk-off home run off El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca. Kid Corey's drop of Paul Konerko's line drive last year on a sunny Saturday at Wrigley. Oh sure, I can fondly remember Rick Gutierrez's grand slam and the game where Magglio Ordonez's gapper got stuck in the ivy costing the Sox a run, but for every memory of a two-out, game tying home run by Steroid Sammy off then Sox closer Keith Foulke (the Cubs went on to lose the game in 14 innings, anyway, on a base hit by Ray Durham) there is the memory of Mark Grace getting picked off first base by Sean Lowe after Lowe "faked to third, and threw to first." (Nice foreshadowing yesterday, eh?)
Second, I hate the tension and stress of the next three days. For one thing, I don't hate the Sox. In fact most Cubs fans I know are rather apathetic about the pale hose, while most Sox fans live by Grinder Ball Rule #14: A Sox victory is great, but a Cubs loss is the key to happiness. Further, I actually have quite a number of friends who are Sox fans and who don't own a pick-up truck or attack first base coaches and did not get all-excited on World Series Championship replica ring day because they finally had something to give their girlfriends.
Look, Random Thoughts commenter "the wife" is a Sox fan, as is her entire family. RT reader Joe (McCarty) is a Sox fan. I certainly wish no-ill will on such terrific people. Frankly, I just wish that the Cubs were playing the Joliet Jackhammers this weekend (games they may actually be able to win) and the Sox were playing the Detroit Tigers so we can see how good Jim Leyland's team truly is and how much sweating Ozzie and the guys are going to have to do as the summer moves along.
So, what do I expect to happen this weekend? Well, let's start with a basic premise that should be quite disconcerting to Cubs' fans...the game in being played at U.S. Comiskular with the D.H.. Oh brother! The Cubs have enough problems finding eight guys who can at least act like competent hitters and now they have to add a ninth? The Sox have Jim Thome. The Cubs have Neifi the Bunter. Any chance Glenallen Hill can come out of retirement for the weekend?
That said, here are my predictions for this weekend's three games:
Friday: Mark Buehrle versus Greg Maddux: 3:05 pm
Dusty tells every hitter to swing at the first pitch no matter where is it. With quick worker Buehrle on the mound and the Cubs hitting pop-up after pop-up, Maddux manages to make it to his 4:15 tee time at Indian Lakes. Oh yeah, it helps that he is out of the game by the 4th inning after Tail Chaser Anderson hits his second home run of the game (two years ago, Timo Perez got his career highlight by hitting a home run off Mad Dog, today Tail Chaser gets his chance). The Cubs manage only three hits. Pinch Hitter Thing One hits a pop-up that Jermaine Dye loses in the sun and Neifi bunts for singles twice. Aramis does not play due to a slight knee strain. Final: Sox 8, Cubs 0
Saturday: Freddy Garcia versus Rich Hill: 1:20 pm
Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Ball four. Ball five. Ball ten. Ball twenty-seven. Hill gives up nine runs on 12 walks in the first two innings. Thome hits two home runs and Scotty Pods steals six bases. The Cubs manage a single run when Sox shortstop Juan Uribe throws a Garcia sweat-soaked ball into the dugout after thinking the play was over (I'd like to officially announce that the Ronny Cedeno wet ball joke has officially jumped the shark and is being put to rest). Neifi goes 0-4 on four unsucessful bunt attempts. Aramis does not play due to slight back strain. Final: Sox 14, Cubs 1
Sunday: Jose Contreras versus Carlos Zambrano: 2:05 pm
Both pitchers put up zero after zero. The game is scoreless in the top of the 16th inning, when the Cubs score twice on a pinch hit double by Kerry Wood, who breaks both legs sliding into second base. The Cubs announce he will be back sometime in 2009. Carlos Zambrano's pitch count reaches 376 in the bottom of the 16th and Pablo Ozuna hits a walk-off grand slam to give the Sox the win. Neifi goes 0-7 with seven strikouts on third-strike foul bunt attempts. Aramis does not play because of a slight groin strain. Final: Sox 4, Cubs 2.
When does Training Camp start for the Bears, again?
Please post your predictions for the Cubs-Sox games below...
* Quick word about interleague play. I always find it interesting that fans of certain leagues cheer so hard for their league to do well and pay such close attention to their league's interleague play record. News flash. If you are a Cubs fan and you actually believe that the team can turn the season around and make a run for the playoffs (1) please stop drinking the Cubbie blue kool aid and immediately proceed to the psychiatrist section of the Yellow Pages and (2) you really ought to be cheering your butt off for the other league to beat the crap out of the Astros, Reds, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, etc. I would not worry about the Pirates, though.
* Fortunately, considering the doom and gloom I have predicted for the Cubs this weekend, baseball is not the only sport that is going on. The NBA playoffs continue along and three of the four series are quite compelling and are extremely competitive. Perhaps the best series of the bunch has been the Mavericks-Spurs series which heads to Dallas for Game 6 tonight with the Mavericks leading 3-2. Unfortunately for Mark Cuban's team, however, key contributor Jason Terry has been suspended for tonight's game for "punching" Michael Finley in the family jewels. I am not hear to argue for or against Terry's suspension, but I will say that the act was not as bad as it sounds. Terry was really just trying to push Finley off of him but made the mistake of doing it with a clenched fist.
That said, Donny Nelson, the Mavericks General Manager of Vice President of Basketball Operations sounded a little foolish on Mike & Mike this morning when asked his opinion of the act and suspension. To Nelson's credit, he agreed the the suspension had to be levied (the NBA has instituted a strict rule under which anyone who punches another player is automatically suspended), but his reasoning for Terry's reaction was a little curious. Nelson asked "Where does it say that a guy on the floor gives up all his rights to protection?" Excuse me? It's not like Finley was fighting Terry. He didn't have a gun. He wasn't brandishing a knife. Exactly what "protection" did Terry need? The comment seemed a little strange to me.
* Finally, kudos (no, not the granola bar) to Random Thoughts commenter "allhailthechief" for living up to yesterday's trivia challenge. Heck, I have not seen someone live up to a challenge quick as effectively since Daniel LaRusso defeated Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence in at the big tournament** Way to go Jeff!
**Today's pop-culture trivia: Who played Johnny Lawrence's ex-girlfriend and Daniel LaRusso's new squeeze in the movie?
a. Neifi gets an extra-base hit scoring both runs (the Cubs finished the game with 12 hits, but only one was for extra bases).
b. Thing Two comes through with a base hit scoring the runner from third and on-deck hitter John Mabry also comes through with a hit to score Einstein Jones with the tying run. Of course, you have to assume that Jones does not get picked off base for this scenario to work; or
c. Neifi bunts the ball and Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero throws the ball wildly past the first baseman allowing Todd Walker to score from third. Running to retrieve the ball, right fielder Marlon (did you know that there are only two "Marlons in the history of baseball and both are currently on the active roster of the Expo Nationals?) Anderson trips on a ball thrown from the right-field bleachers by some drunk 16-year old and then, thinking the play is over, throws the beer soaked ball into the dugout allowing the tying run to score.
So, what is the more likely scenario? Perhaps bunting wasn't such a bad idea, after all, huh?
In fact, the way the Cubs are going, collecting a clutch extra base hit or consecutive hits is less likely than Neifi hitting a gound ball back to the mound at the precise moment that Morganna the Kissing Bandit runs onto the field to plant a smooch on Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero. Upon seeing how grotesqusly ugly poor Cordero is (that guy is so ugly he makes Sam Casell look acceptable...and Cassell looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down), Morganna then runs to tackle first baseman Nick Johnson, causing the Cordero's throw to sail into right field where it is gathered by a crow who carries it to his nest in Des Plaines.
That, my friends, is the current state of the Cubs.
And now we head into the worst weekend of the year...The Crosstown Classic... Cubs vs. Sox. South Side versus North Side. Beverly versus Winnetka. A gleaming new Lexus versus a rusted Ford pickup in the front yard on blocks. I hate this weekend.
First of all, I hate most of the memories that rush back to flood my head. Mike Caruso. Carlos Lee's grand slam. Jose Valentin's walk-off home run off El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca. Kid Corey's drop of Paul Konerko's line drive last year on a sunny Saturday at Wrigley. Oh sure, I can fondly remember Rick Gutierrez's grand slam and the game where Magglio Ordonez's gapper got stuck in the ivy costing the Sox a run, but for every memory of a two-out, game tying home run by Steroid Sammy off then Sox closer Keith Foulke (the Cubs went on to lose the game in 14 innings, anyway, on a base hit by Ray Durham) there is the memory of Mark Grace getting picked off first base by Sean Lowe after Lowe "faked to third, and threw to first." (Nice foreshadowing yesterday, eh?)
Second, I hate the tension and stress of the next three days. For one thing, I don't hate the Sox. In fact most Cubs fans I know are rather apathetic about the pale hose, while most Sox fans live by Grinder Ball Rule #14: A Sox victory is great, but a Cubs loss is the key to happiness. Further, I actually have quite a number of friends who are Sox fans and who don't own a pick-up truck or attack first base coaches and did not get all-excited on World Series Championship replica ring day because they finally had something to give their girlfriends.
Look, Random Thoughts commenter "the wife" is a Sox fan, as is her entire family. RT reader Joe (McCarty) is a Sox fan. I certainly wish no-ill will on such terrific people. Frankly, I just wish that the Cubs were playing the Joliet Jackhammers this weekend (games they may actually be able to win) and the Sox were playing the Detroit Tigers so we can see how good Jim Leyland's team truly is and how much sweating Ozzie and the guys are going to have to do as the summer moves along.
So, what do I expect to happen this weekend? Well, let's start with a basic premise that should be quite disconcerting to Cubs' fans...the game in being played at U.S. Comiskular with the D.H.. Oh brother! The Cubs have enough problems finding eight guys who can at least act like competent hitters and now they have to add a ninth? The Sox have Jim Thome. The Cubs have Neifi the Bunter. Any chance Glenallen Hill can come out of retirement for the weekend?
That said, here are my predictions for this weekend's three games:
Friday: Mark Buehrle versus Greg Maddux: 3:05 pm
Dusty tells every hitter to swing at the first pitch no matter where is it. With quick worker Buehrle on the mound and the Cubs hitting pop-up after pop-up, Maddux manages to make it to his 4:15 tee time at Indian Lakes. Oh yeah, it helps that he is out of the game by the 4th inning after Tail Chaser Anderson hits his second home run of the game (two years ago, Timo Perez got his career highlight by hitting a home run off Mad Dog, today Tail Chaser gets his chance). The Cubs manage only three hits. Pinch Hitter Thing One hits a pop-up that Jermaine Dye loses in the sun and Neifi bunts for singles twice. Aramis does not play due to a slight knee strain. Final: Sox 8, Cubs 0
Saturday: Freddy Garcia versus Rich Hill: 1:20 pm
Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Ball four. Ball five. Ball ten. Ball twenty-seven. Hill gives up nine runs on 12 walks in the first two innings. Thome hits two home runs and Scotty Pods steals six bases. The Cubs manage a single run when Sox shortstop Juan Uribe throws a Garcia sweat-soaked ball into the dugout after thinking the play was over (I'd like to officially announce that the Ronny Cedeno wet ball joke has officially jumped the shark and is being put to rest). Neifi goes 0-4 on four unsucessful bunt attempts. Aramis does not play due to slight back strain. Final: Sox 14, Cubs 1
Sunday: Jose Contreras versus Carlos Zambrano: 2:05 pm
Both pitchers put up zero after zero. The game is scoreless in the top of the 16th inning, when the Cubs score twice on a pinch hit double by Kerry Wood, who breaks both legs sliding into second base. The Cubs announce he will be back sometime in 2009. Carlos Zambrano's pitch count reaches 376 in the bottom of the 16th and Pablo Ozuna hits a walk-off grand slam to give the Sox the win. Neifi goes 0-7 with seven strikouts on third-strike foul bunt attempts. Aramis does not play because of a slight groin strain. Final: Sox 4, Cubs 2.
When does Training Camp start for the Bears, again?
Please post your predictions for the Cubs-Sox games below...
* Quick word about interleague play. I always find it interesting that fans of certain leagues cheer so hard for their league to do well and pay such close attention to their league's interleague play record. News flash. If you are a Cubs fan and you actually believe that the team can turn the season around and make a run for the playoffs (1) please stop drinking the Cubbie blue kool aid and immediately proceed to the psychiatrist section of the Yellow Pages and (2) you really ought to be cheering your butt off for the other league to beat the crap out of the Astros, Reds, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, etc. I would not worry about the Pirates, though.
* Fortunately, considering the doom and gloom I have predicted for the Cubs this weekend, baseball is not the only sport that is going on. The NBA playoffs continue along and three of the four series are quite compelling and are extremely competitive. Perhaps the best series of the bunch has been the Mavericks-Spurs series which heads to Dallas for Game 6 tonight with the Mavericks leading 3-2. Unfortunately for Mark Cuban's team, however, key contributor Jason Terry has been suspended for tonight's game for "punching" Michael Finley in the family jewels. I am not hear to argue for or against Terry's suspension, but I will say that the act was not as bad as it sounds. Terry was really just trying to push Finley off of him but made the mistake of doing it with a clenched fist.
That said, Donny Nelson, the Mavericks General Manager of Vice President of Basketball Operations sounded a little foolish on Mike & Mike this morning when asked his opinion of the act and suspension. To Nelson's credit, he agreed the the suspension had to be levied (the NBA has instituted a strict rule under which anyone who punches another player is automatically suspended), but his reasoning for Terry's reaction was a little curious. Nelson asked "Where does it say that a guy on the floor gives up all his rights to protection?" Excuse me? It's not like Finley was fighting Terry. He didn't have a gun. He wasn't brandishing a knife. Exactly what "protection" did Terry need? The comment seemed a little strange to me.
* Finally, kudos (no, not the granola bar) to Random Thoughts commenter "allhailthechief" for living up to yesterday's trivia challenge. Heck, I have not seen someone live up to a challenge quick as effectively since Daniel LaRusso defeated Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence in at the big tournament** Way to go Jeff!
**Today's pop-culture trivia: Who played Johnny Lawrence's ex-girlfriend and Daniel LaRusso's new squeeze in the movie?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Shock Value
The unexpected.
It is the cherry on top of the pop culture sundae. Who doesn't enjoy a genuine surprise... a plot twist that leaves you speechless? Discovering that it was Nina who was working against Jack and CTU the entire time and then seeing her shot poor, pathetic Teri. Feeling a chill in the air upon learning that Dr. Malcolm Crowe had, in fact, been dead the entire time. The moment when Bree Van De Kamp, who when then known as Dr. Kimberly Shaw and lived at Melrose Place, pulled off her wig and revealed that wicked scar. The unexpected is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us watching.
The unexpected is also a key ingredient in the world of sports and last night fans around the country were left aghast a number of times. Who could have ever predicted that LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers would steal one in Detroit to take a 3-2 lead on the heavily-favored Pistons? Raise your hand if you predicted that Nomah would drive in his 24th and 25th runs in only his 23rd game of the season for the Dodgers. Who figured that last night Steve Trachsel would become the all-time leader in losses by the score of 1-0? (Ok, that is as obscure as it gets! Win bar bets! Impress your friends! Your imaginary friends!) Who knew that the NHL playoffs were even still going on?
The most unexpected occurrence, however, happened at good ol' 1060 W. Addison. It was the bottom of the 6th inning and the Cubs held a 4-0 lead. Pinch hitting for starting pitcher Sean Marshall, Thing One strolled the plate and whacked a 92-mph fastball high and deep into the night. So high and so deep, in fact, that the ball did not come down until it was nestled safely in the center field basket. Do not adjust your televisions, ladies and gentlemen, Thing One has gone yard.
As he was rounding the bases, he literally looked like a kid who had just learned that ma and pa were taking him to Disney World. I haven't seen anyone quite that happy since the Bradys learned that Mr. Phillips had invited them for a day of frivolity on his boat** (Anyone here been invited on their boss' boat? Better yet, anyone been given a pool table?). As for me, I was so shocked, I half expected Thing Two and the rest of Freddie's teammates to run out and greet him at home plate. (Yes, I was referring to the Cubs as a little league team in yesterday's post. No, I was not suggesting that Henry Blanco might want to set up a meeting with Seattle Sutton).
Could this signal the turnaround that Cubs' fans have so eagerly been hoping for? While it certainly is a good sign, let's not get to carried away. After all, the home run came off of former White Sox quitter/ walkout-pitcher Jon Rauch. I certainly realize that the 6'11 Rauch has been effective this season for the Montreal Puerto Rico Washington Expo Nationals (ERA: 1.82), but if I am Big Jon and I have just given up a long ball to Freddie Bynum, I'm more than a little embarrassed and, frankly, I'm awfully afraid of facing the wrath of Manager Frank Robinson. In fact, I'm strongly considering reliving a little history. Only this time, I'm not stopping until I am safely hidden among the whiskey barrels at my old Kentucky home. Working at Dominoes ain't all that bad.
I suppose I should thank all of you for not reminding Thing One about the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest last night.
* All jokes aside, I am stunned that the Cavaliers beat the Pistons at the Palace last night to take a 3-2 lead in the series. The game was played at Detroit's pace, but poor shooting and worst decision making did in the number one seed. You can bet that Motown-natives and Piston fans Kid Rock and Eminem are not feeling too joyous today. I imagine that they are feeling as low as Cindy did when the doctor told her that she had to have her tonsils out and may not be able to go on the boat. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)
Perhaps membership in the Einstein Jones - Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. "I'm with stupid" club is in order for Piston MVP-candidate Chauncey Billups who intentionally committed his sixth and final foul with more than two minutes to go. Billups was attempting to stop a Cleveland fast-break (normally a novel cause), but the Pistons were only down 83-81 at the time and the on-floor presence of their best shooter and top clutch player was much more important than potentially giving up a measley two points. Dumb move, Chauncey. Now try not to get picked off second base.
The Pistons still had a chance to win the game, thanks in large part to one of the most idiotic rules in sports. Despite two missed free throws by overrated Ben Wallace (0-7 from the line in the game. Geez, even Shaq makes one occasionally. Heck, even Ollie made one and he was shooting underhanded), Detroit had the ball with under ten seconds to go in the game, down two points. Piston guard Lindsey Hunter (who was in the game for Billups) took a shot to tie the game (this is akin to having Will Perdue take a last second jumper instead of Michael Jordan), only to have the rebound batted down the court by Cavalier guard Eric Snow. Hunter hustled after the ball, gathered it in on the other end of the court with 1.7 seconds left on the clock, and called an immediate time-out. Game over, right? I mean, unless you are the 1992 Dick Vitale University Blue Devils, you are not going to be able to go the length of the court and score with so little time remaining on the clock.
Of course, thanks to the ridiculous NBA rule that a team can advance the ball after calling time out, the Pistons got the ball at midcourt. I really do not understand this rule at all. When a football team is in the two-minute drill and calls time-out, they don't get to advance the ball 25 yards up the field for the next play. A face-off is not automatically held in the offensive zone of the team that stops the clock (that's hockey, h-o-c-k-e-y. Like jockey, but with an 'h'). Last I checked, a basketball court is 94 feet long. Why 47 feet are often ignored makes less sense than Dr. Evil's reliance on mutated sea bass instead of just shooting Austin Powers. Yes, I know that they were ill-tempered and I know that he originally asked for sharks with laser beams on their heads, but, you know what? Son Scott was right.
* Speaking of things that make no sense... Can someone please explain the logic behind the the "fake to third, throw to first?" I've only seen it work once in my entire baseball watching career, and that is likely because Mark Grace was sneaking in a smoke and scanning the first base stands looking for his next conquest. Yet, pitchers continue to try the move over and over. Why? Even if the pitcher throws the ball to third, the runner should not be going to second base. I suppose that the pitcher is hoping that the runner will take a giant secondary-lead in hopes that the ball will get away from the third baseman, but how many players can possibly be that stupid?
I'm thinking the exact same thing. Let's agree to let it go.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: 0-4 with five runners left on base. Laughed at the idiocy of former White Sox utility man Willie Harris, who represented the tying run in a 6-5 game, for getting thrown out trying to steal second base with two outs in the ninth. Fellow-Oriole LaTroy Hawkins reminded him about his stupidity in refusing to take pitches during his time with the Cubs. Kid Corey reminded LaTroy about Victor Diaz. Hawkins recalled Patterson's steadfast refusal to make adjustments. Corey told Hawkins that he sucked. Kid Corey hit LaTroy with his purse. LaTroy threw his makeup case at Corey. They argued about their favorite character on Sex in the City. Season: .250-4-16; 10 sb. Uh oh... 1-16 in his last four games.
* Yesterday, I mentioned Comcast's big "hit" show "Softball 360." Apparently tired on non-stop World Series of Poker programming and not quite daring enough to start covering intramural sports at Northwestern (where anything can happen), ESPN2 has recently been broadcasting something called the "Viking Games." Well, sign me up!
What a huge disappointment! Mewelde Moore was absolutely nowhere to be seen! Where is the hard cider chugging contest? Where is the most Daunte Culppeper memorial most-consecutive lap dances without having to make a trip to the bathroom challenge? Where is the Onterrio Smith Whizzenator competition? In know ESPN2 prides itself as a family network and the "Viking Games" cannot be shown as they would if they were on Skin-a-max, but I saw nary an uncovered navel, let alone what I expected and what was reported by the media. Just a bunch of Asians running around chopping logs. Sheesh, the games didn't even take place on a boat...
* First the women's lacrosse team was involved in the White House "flip-flop fiasco." Next, we had the abhorrent, terrible, unacceptable hazing incident during which women soccer players were photographed drinking (the horror!) and making out with one another (what a travesty...disgusting...horrendous! Hey, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" is reading this. Go to www.dansrandomsportsthoughtsthathedoesnotwantpattytoknowabout.com for my real feelings), and now we have the story that Northwestern was forced to discipline a number of students who dressed in the University's Willie the Wildcat mascot costume for hazing new Willie candidates. Now, the seedy culture at NU is really becoming evident...
Think Gunston would stand for this? Apparently, new candidates were "kidnapped" by the experienced Willie the Wildcats (think the movie "Old School"). The upperclass students who were charged with the shenanigans had their cat nip taken away, were forced to eat only dry cat food for two weeks and were forced to watch Garfield The Movie until they simply could not take it anymore.
Geez, all we had at IU was porn movies.
Have a nice day. The U.S. Paintball Championships come on the deuce at midnight.
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for everyone who did not rip the Random Thoughts for producing an easy trivia question yesterday (in other words everyone who does not go my the moniker "allhailthechief"): What did Carol Brady call Mr. Phillips' boat?
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for "allhailthechief" (who is dreadfully sick of all the easy, run-of-the-mill trivia and needs to be challenged): Mr. Phillips was played by actor Jack Collins who was also in a laundry list of 60's, 70's and 80's television shows and made-for-TV movies (including "I Was a Mail Order Bride," CHiPs, and Chico and the Man). What was the name of Jack's third-grade teacher and what grade did he get in penmanship that year?
You want a challenge, you got a challenge...
It is the cherry on top of the pop culture sundae. Who doesn't enjoy a genuine surprise... a plot twist that leaves you speechless? Discovering that it was Nina who was working against Jack and CTU the entire time and then seeing her shot poor, pathetic Teri. Feeling a chill in the air upon learning that Dr. Malcolm Crowe had, in fact, been dead the entire time. The moment when Bree Van De Kamp, who when then known as Dr. Kimberly Shaw and lived at Melrose Place, pulled off her wig and revealed that wicked scar. The unexpected is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us watching.
The unexpected is also a key ingredient in the world of sports and last night fans around the country were left aghast a number of times. Who could have ever predicted that LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers would steal one in Detroit to take a 3-2 lead on the heavily-favored Pistons? Raise your hand if you predicted that Nomah would drive in his 24th and 25th runs in only his 23rd game of the season for the Dodgers. Who figured that last night Steve Trachsel would become the all-time leader in losses by the score of 1-0? (Ok, that is as obscure as it gets! Win bar bets! Impress your friends! Your imaginary friends!) Who knew that the NHL playoffs were even still going on?
The most unexpected occurrence, however, happened at good ol' 1060 W. Addison. It was the bottom of the 6th inning and the Cubs held a 4-0 lead. Pinch hitting for starting pitcher Sean Marshall, Thing One strolled the plate and whacked a 92-mph fastball high and deep into the night. So high and so deep, in fact, that the ball did not come down until it was nestled safely in the center field basket. Do not adjust your televisions, ladies and gentlemen, Thing One has gone yard.
As he was rounding the bases, he literally looked like a kid who had just learned that ma and pa were taking him to Disney World. I haven't seen anyone quite that happy since the Bradys learned that Mr. Phillips had invited them for a day of frivolity on his boat** (Anyone here been invited on their boss' boat? Better yet, anyone been given a pool table?). As for me, I was so shocked, I half expected Thing Two and the rest of Freddie's teammates to run out and greet him at home plate. (Yes, I was referring to the Cubs as a little league team in yesterday's post. No, I was not suggesting that Henry Blanco might want to set up a meeting with Seattle Sutton).
Could this signal the turnaround that Cubs' fans have so eagerly been hoping for? While it certainly is a good sign, let's not get to carried away. After all, the home run came off of former White Sox quitter/ walkout-pitcher Jon Rauch. I certainly realize that the 6'11 Rauch has been effective this season for the Montreal Puerto Rico Washington Expo Nationals (ERA: 1.82), but if I am Big Jon and I have just given up a long ball to Freddie Bynum, I'm more than a little embarrassed and, frankly, I'm awfully afraid of facing the wrath of Manager Frank Robinson. In fact, I'm strongly considering reliving a little history. Only this time, I'm not stopping until I am safely hidden among the whiskey barrels at my old Kentucky home. Working at Dominoes ain't all that bad.
I suppose I should thank all of you for not reminding Thing One about the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest last night.
* All jokes aside, I am stunned that the Cavaliers beat the Pistons at the Palace last night to take a 3-2 lead in the series. The game was played at Detroit's pace, but poor shooting and worst decision making did in the number one seed. You can bet that Motown-natives and Piston fans Kid Rock and Eminem are not feeling too joyous today. I imagine that they are feeling as low as Cindy did when the doctor told her that she had to have her tonsils out and may not be able to go on the boat. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)
Perhaps membership in the Einstein Jones - Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. "I'm with stupid" club is in order for Piston MVP-candidate Chauncey Billups who intentionally committed his sixth and final foul with more than two minutes to go. Billups was attempting to stop a Cleveland fast-break (normally a novel cause), but the Pistons were only down 83-81 at the time and the on-floor presence of their best shooter and top clutch player was much more important than potentially giving up a measley two points. Dumb move, Chauncey. Now try not to get picked off second base.
The Pistons still had a chance to win the game, thanks in large part to one of the most idiotic rules in sports. Despite two missed free throws by overrated Ben Wallace (0-7 from the line in the game. Geez, even Shaq makes one occasionally. Heck, even Ollie made one and he was shooting underhanded), Detroit had the ball with under ten seconds to go in the game, down two points. Piston guard Lindsey Hunter (who was in the game for Billups) took a shot to tie the game (this is akin to having Will Perdue take a last second jumper instead of Michael Jordan), only to have the rebound batted down the court by Cavalier guard Eric Snow. Hunter hustled after the ball, gathered it in on the other end of the court with 1.7 seconds left on the clock, and called an immediate time-out. Game over, right? I mean, unless you are the 1992 Dick Vitale University Blue Devils, you are not going to be able to go the length of the court and score with so little time remaining on the clock.
Of course, thanks to the ridiculous NBA rule that a team can advance the ball after calling time out, the Pistons got the ball at midcourt. I really do not understand this rule at all. When a football team is in the two-minute drill and calls time-out, they don't get to advance the ball 25 yards up the field for the next play. A face-off is not automatically held in the offensive zone of the team that stops the clock (that's hockey, h-o-c-k-e-y. Like jockey, but with an 'h'). Last I checked, a basketball court is 94 feet long. Why 47 feet are often ignored makes less sense than Dr. Evil's reliance on mutated sea bass instead of just shooting Austin Powers. Yes, I know that they were ill-tempered and I know that he originally asked for sharks with laser beams on their heads, but, you know what? Son Scott was right.
* Speaking of things that make no sense... Can someone please explain the logic behind the the "fake to third, throw to first?" I've only seen it work once in my entire baseball watching career, and that is likely because Mark Grace was sneaking in a smoke and scanning the first base stands looking for his next conquest. Yet, pitchers continue to try the move over and over. Why? Even if the pitcher throws the ball to third, the runner should not be going to second base. I suppose that the pitcher is hoping that the runner will take a giant secondary-lead in hopes that the ball will get away from the third baseman, but how many players can possibly be that stupid?
I'm thinking the exact same thing. Let's agree to let it go.
* Corey-o-Meter: Last Night: 0-4 with five runners left on base. Laughed at the idiocy of former White Sox utility man Willie Harris, who represented the tying run in a 6-5 game, for getting thrown out trying to steal second base with two outs in the ninth. Fellow-Oriole LaTroy Hawkins reminded him about his stupidity in refusing to take pitches during his time with the Cubs. Kid Corey reminded LaTroy about Victor Diaz. Hawkins recalled Patterson's steadfast refusal to make adjustments. Corey told Hawkins that he sucked. Kid Corey hit LaTroy with his purse. LaTroy threw his makeup case at Corey. They argued about their favorite character on Sex in the City. Season: .250-4-16; 10 sb. Uh oh... 1-16 in his last four games.
* Yesterday, I mentioned Comcast's big "hit" show "Softball 360." Apparently tired on non-stop World Series of Poker programming and not quite daring enough to start covering intramural sports at Northwestern (where anything can happen), ESPN2 has recently been broadcasting something called the "Viking Games." Well, sign me up!
What a huge disappointment! Mewelde Moore was absolutely nowhere to be seen! Where is the hard cider chugging contest? Where is the most Daunte Culppeper memorial most-consecutive lap dances without having to make a trip to the bathroom challenge? Where is the Onterrio Smith Whizzenator competition? In know ESPN2 prides itself as a family network and the "Viking Games" cannot be shown as they would if they were on Skin-a-max, but I saw nary an uncovered navel, let alone what I expected and what was reported by the media. Just a bunch of Asians running around chopping logs. Sheesh, the games didn't even take place on a boat...
* First the women's lacrosse team was involved in the White House "flip-flop fiasco." Next, we had the abhorrent, terrible, unacceptable hazing incident during which women soccer players were photographed drinking (the horror!) and making out with one another (what a travesty...disgusting...horrendous! Hey, Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" is reading this. Go to www.dansrandomsportsthoughtsthathedoesnotwantpattytoknowabout.com for my real feelings), and now we have the story that Northwestern was forced to discipline a number of students who dressed in the University's Willie the Wildcat mascot costume for hazing new Willie candidates. Now, the seedy culture at NU is really becoming evident...
Think Gunston would stand for this? Apparently, new candidates were "kidnapped" by the experienced Willie the Wildcats (think the movie "Old School"). The upperclass students who were charged with the shenanigans had their cat nip taken away, were forced to eat only dry cat food for two weeks and were forced to watch Garfield The Movie until they simply could not take it anymore.
Geez, all we had at IU was porn movies.
Have a nice day. The U.S. Paintball Championships come on the deuce at midnight.
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for everyone who did not rip the Random Thoughts for producing an easy trivia question yesterday (in other words everyone who does not go my the moniker "allhailthechief"): What did Carol Brady call Mr. Phillips' boat?
**Today's Pop Culture Trivia for "allhailthechief" (who is dreadfully sick of all the easy, run-of-the-mill trivia and needs to be challenged): Mr. Phillips was played by actor Jack Collins who was also in a laundry list of 60's, 70's and 80's television shows and made-for-TV movies (including "I Was a Mail Order Bride," CHiPs, and Chico and the Man). What was the name of Jack's third-grade teacher and what grade did he get in penmanship that year?
You want a challenge, you got a challenge...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Go Shamrox! Kick the Guinness Out Of Em'!
Wow. In my weeklong absence I have missed quite a lot (and I mean, a lot!). Let's take a trip around the always-wonderful world of sports...
* The Cubs lost...and lost...and lost...and lost..and lost. Must be the fact that Todd Walker is still poisoning the clubhouse, eh Hendry?
* While I certainly was as happy as anyone to head up to the attic last night to drag the "W" flag out from behind my Olmec Indian head statue of Xt'Tapalatakettle, my box of "Ayotollah Assahollah" t-shirts and my 80's collection of Poison and Ratt records, I'm not quite ready to suggest that Wrigley Field vendors stop selling Prozac and Zoloft.
* Prozac? Zoloft? Maalox? Barf bags? Einstein Jones voodoo dolls? Kerry Wood "next-injury countdown clocks?" Sheesh, looks like the Cubs either better build larger souvenier stands or start giving away all those leftover Steroid Sammy, Kid Corey and Nomah jerseys.
* While you're at it, you might want to start marking down all those Juan Pierre jerseys as well.
* The first week of the season, I commented that the aforementioned Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey come July 31. I, now must admit that,alas, I am likely wrong. Who in the heck is going to trade for a leadoff hitter with a sub-.300 on-base percentage? Maybe Isiah Thomas needs a new pointguard.
* I think I owe Scotty pods an apology. A major apology.
* Briggs & Stratton is currently holding a contest where the winner gets $20,000 to improve the condition of their local youth baseball field and an on-field clinic with Hall of Famers Carlton Fisk and Lou Brock. Little leaguers were asked to write essays and the company has announced the selection of 16 finalists. The company has also announced a last-place winner. Poor Henry Hickson of Shelbyville, Kentucky was deemed the dumbest kid in America when he suggested that Angel Guzman will win the NL Rookie of the Year and will be rewarded / punished by receiving an on-field baserunning clinic with Einstein Jones.
* Dusty may want to protect the Cubs' right fielder, but he will get no sympathy from the Random Thoughts. He is an idiot. An i-d-i-o-t. Make that an I-D-I-O-T. He makes Moises Alou look like Tim Raines on the basepaths.
* Heck, he makes Clay Aiken look like Brad Pitt and Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Thomas look like Kelly Ripa. Yes, he is that bad.
* So, the Cubs got swept by the Padres at Wrigley last weekend. Think the losses were the worst thing about the weekend? Did you forget about the seemingly non-stop rain? You try having your post-game sit-down meeting in the wet grass.
* Not to mention the fact that Henry Blanco forgot to bring the big jug of water and the ice-cream shop was out of Rocky Road after the game.
* The way they are playing, shouldn't this team be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds**?
* I'm still waiting for the Cubs to announce their next promotion...Ronny Cedeno wet ball day.
* Can someone please tell me what Thing One is still doing on the active roster? I mean...really.
* Anyone else say a prayer that Jae Kuk Ryu is not Korean for base-on-ball?
* Anyone else notice that the red-hot Tigers are tied with the White Sox atop the A.L. Central? When did Al Kaline, Lance Parrish and Lou Whitaker come out of retirement? I share a birthday with Sweet Lou, by the way. Yogi Berra, Moises' dad, Jim from American Pie, Tootie and Billy Squier, too. No "Stroke" jokes allowed...
* Weird Stat of the day: Tigers' slugger Chris Shelton hit nine home runs in his first 13 games this year, but has only two in his last 25. So that's why we had never heard of him before. Don't worry Chris, your three-game series with the north siders is only a month away.
* Rumor has it that the Knicks are planning on paying coach Larry Brown upwards of $40 million to just go away (Brown making $40 million for the New York fiasco is on par with Nicole Kidman raking in $17.5 million for Bewitched) Further rumor has it that the Golden State Warriors are interested in Brown as their next head coach. Golden State? How about the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Note to Coach Brown on behalf of not just the NBA, but all of civilized society. In the words of Motley Crue...don't go away mad, just go away.
* Who does Isiah Thomas have pictures of, anyway?
* Charles Barkley renamed "Gamblor?" So, it shall be done.
* Corey-o-Meter: Has settled in nicely with the O's, hitting a modest .261 with four dingers, 16 RBI and 10 stolen bases. Is also wondering what Thing One is doing on the Cubs' active roster.
* For more than 20 years, Blackhawks fans have been comforted by the voice of announcer Pat Foley on both the television and radio broadcast (trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, calls the third period of a 7-1 loss better than Foley). In continuing its uninterrupted string of undeniably forward-thinking and wise decisions, the Hawks have now announced that there will be a two sets of announcers for next year's games...one for TV and one for radio and Foley has already been ruled out as the television voice of the team. Excuse me? Sure, take away the only reason to watch Hawks games. What's next? Is the team going to trade Jeremy Roenick for an overrated Russian figure skater? Trade young star Jean Pierre Dumont for a bag of pucks and a Beta copy of Slap Shot 2? Stop televising home games on TV?
* Never mind.
* The only explanation that I can think of is that Darrin Jackson must be looking for something to do during the long, cold winter.
* I know that the Hawks are about as popular as the Chicago Shamrox in this town (although slightly more so than Dusty Baker), but shouldn't the Wirtz clan be trying to hold on to the remaining 31 fans? This is precisely the type of move that is likely to alienate everyone not named Toukanov or married to Dustin Byfuglien (no, I did not make that up). Unless Harry Doyle is taking over in the booth, bad move. Bad, bad move.
* Sixty-five points? That's all the Blackhawks got is sixty-five g-ddamned points?
* Who are the Chicago Shamrox, you ask? Why the brand-spanking new professional lacrosse team, of course. Joining, among others, the Calgary Roughnecks, the Colorado Mammouth, the Portland Lumberjax, and the San Jose Stealth in the 20-year old National Lacrosse League, the Shamrox will be based in Hoffman Estates. The N.L.L. also announced that all team parties will be videotaped and archived and that Diamonds gentlemen's club is strictly off-limits.
* Just when I am about to comment that Comcast really needs to shore up its non-baseball programming, the Northwestern women's soccer hazing story breaks. What a huge break for Comcast's anchor program "Softball 360." That's right, an entire half-hour dedicated to non-stop softball fun. A piece on Jennie Finch and her favorite restaurants in Lisle. An expose on the lard-ass, pinch runner rule, first mentioned by Random Thoughts commenter "cub fan kev." A discussion of Mr. Burns' controversial decision to pinch hit for Darryl Strawberry with the bases loaded. And now, a chance to cover all angles of Wildcat Soccergate (yes, Bearister, I intentionally chose the suffix "gate" for you). XFL-esque ratings here we come!!!
* Perhaps that one Northwestern coed, pictured making out with a teammate, should adopt the nickname "She Love Me."
* Female soccer players making out with other female soccer players. The XFL. Huh. That gives me an idea. Anyone have Vince McMahon's phone number?
* Finally, (because we just don't cover softball quite enough in the Random Thoughts), every March, college basketball teams dream of going to the Big Dance. Perhaps the girls on the Boone Grove (IN) varsity softball team do not realize that it is actually a metaphor for the NCAA Tournament. After upsetting regional favorite South Central in the state semi-finals, the girls of Boone Grove forfeited the championship because they wanted to go home to get ready for the Prom.
Quick, somebody tell Thing One that El DeBarge is hosting a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest tonight.
**Pop Culture Trivia: Which "famous" baseball team was sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds?
***Last week's trivia: OrangeWhip was extremely close...George Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a "Fat, pussy toad."
* The Cubs lost...and lost...and lost...and lost..and lost. Must be the fact that Todd Walker is still poisoning the clubhouse, eh Hendry?
* While I certainly was as happy as anyone to head up to the attic last night to drag the "W" flag out from behind my Olmec Indian head statue of Xt'Tapalatakettle, my box of "Ayotollah Assahollah" t-shirts and my 80's collection of Poison and Ratt records, I'm not quite ready to suggest that Wrigley Field vendors stop selling Prozac and Zoloft.
* Prozac? Zoloft? Maalox? Barf bags? Einstein Jones voodoo dolls? Kerry Wood "next-injury countdown clocks?" Sheesh, looks like the Cubs either better build larger souvenier stands or start giving away all those leftover Steroid Sammy, Kid Corey and Nomah jerseys.
* While you're at it, you might want to start marking down all those Juan Pierre jerseys as well.
* The first week of the season, I commented that the aforementioned Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey come July 31. I, now must admit that,alas, I am likely wrong. Who in the heck is going to trade for a leadoff hitter with a sub-.300 on-base percentage? Maybe Isiah Thomas needs a new pointguard.
* I think I owe Scotty pods an apology. A major apology.
* Briggs & Stratton is currently holding a contest where the winner gets $20,000 to improve the condition of their local youth baseball field and an on-field clinic with Hall of Famers Carlton Fisk and Lou Brock. Little leaguers were asked to write essays and the company has announced the selection of 16 finalists. The company has also announced a last-place winner. Poor Henry Hickson of Shelbyville, Kentucky was deemed the dumbest kid in America when he suggested that Angel Guzman will win the NL Rookie of the Year and will be rewarded / punished by receiving an on-field baserunning clinic with Einstein Jones.
* Dusty may want to protect the Cubs' right fielder, but he will get no sympathy from the Random Thoughts. He is an idiot. An i-d-i-o-t. Make that an I-D-I-O-T. He makes Moises Alou look like Tim Raines on the basepaths.
* Heck, he makes Clay Aiken look like Brad Pitt and Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Thomas look like Kelly Ripa. Yes, he is that bad.
* So, the Cubs got swept by the Padres at Wrigley last weekend. Think the losses were the worst thing about the weekend? Did you forget about the seemingly non-stop rain? You try having your post-game sit-down meeting in the wet grass.
* Not to mention the fact that Henry Blanco forgot to bring the big jug of water and the ice-cream shop was out of Rocky Road after the game.
* The way they are playing, shouldn't this team be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds**?
* I'm still waiting for the Cubs to announce their next promotion...Ronny Cedeno wet ball day.
* Can someone please tell me what Thing One is still doing on the active roster? I mean...really.
* Anyone else say a prayer that Jae Kuk Ryu is not Korean for base-on-ball?
* Anyone else notice that the red-hot Tigers are tied with the White Sox atop the A.L. Central? When did Al Kaline, Lance Parrish and Lou Whitaker come out of retirement? I share a birthday with Sweet Lou, by the way. Yogi Berra, Moises' dad, Jim from American Pie, Tootie and Billy Squier, too. No "Stroke" jokes allowed...
* Weird Stat of the day: Tigers' slugger Chris Shelton hit nine home runs in his first 13 games this year, but has only two in his last 25. So that's why we had never heard of him before. Don't worry Chris, your three-game series with the north siders is only a month away.
* Rumor has it that the Knicks are planning on paying coach Larry Brown upwards of $40 million to just go away (Brown making $40 million for the New York fiasco is on par with Nicole Kidman raking in $17.5 million for Bewitched) Further rumor has it that the Golden State Warriors are interested in Brown as their next head coach. Golden State? How about the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Note to Coach Brown on behalf of not just the NBA, but all of civilized society. In the words of Motley Crue...don't go away mad, just go away.
* Who does Isiah Thomas have pictures of, anyway?
* Charles Barkley renamed "Gamblor?" So, it shall be done.
* Corey-o-Meter: Has settled in nicely with the O's, hitting a modest .261 with four dingers, 16 RBI and 10 stolen bases. Is also wondering what Thing One is doing on the Cubs' active roster.
* For more than 20 years, Blackhawks fans have been comforted by the voice of announcer Pat Foley on both the television and radio broadcast (trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, calls the third period of a 7-1 loss better than Foley). In continuing its uninterrupted string of undeniably forward-thinking and wise decisions, the Hawks have now announced that there will be a two sets of announcers for next year's games...one for TV and one for radio and Foley has already been ruled out as the television voice of the team. Excuse me? Sure, take away the only reason to watch Hawks games. What's next? Is the team going to trade Jeremy Roenick for an overrated Russian figure skater? Trade young star Jean Pierre Dumont for a bag of pucks and a Beta copy of Slap Shot 2? Stop televising home games on TV?
* Never mind.
* The only explanation that I can think of is that Darrin Jackson must be looking for something to do during the long, cold winter.
* I know that the Hawks are about as popular as the Chicago Shamrox in this town (although slightly more so than Dusty Baker), but shouldn't the Wirtz clan be trying to hold on to the remaining 31 fans? This is precisely the type of move that is likely to alienate everyone not named Toukanov or married to Dustin Byfuglien (no, I did not make that up). Unless Harry Doyle is taking over in the booth, bad move. Bad, bad move.
* Sixty-five points? That's all the Blackhawks got is sixty-five g-ddamned points?
* Who are the Chicago Shamrox, you ask? Why the brand-spanking new professional lacrosse team, of course. Joining, among others, the Calgary Roughnecks, the Colorado Mammouth, the Portland Lumberjax, and the San Jose Stealth in the 20-year old National Lacrosse League, the Shamrox will be based in Hoffman Estates. The N.L.L. also announced that all team parties will be videotaped and archived and that Diamonds gentlemen's club is strictly off-limits.
* Just when I am about to comment that Comcast really needs to shore up its non-baseball programming, the Northwestern women's soccer hazing story breaks. What a huge break for Comcast's anchor program "Softball 360." That's right, an entire half-hour dedicated to non-stop softball fun. A piece on Jennie Finch and her favorite restaurants in Lisle. An expose on the lard-ass, pinch runner rule, first mentioned by Random Thoughts commenter "cub fan kev." A discussion of Mr. Burns' controversial decision to pinch hit for Darryl Strawberry with the bases loaded. And now, a chance to cover all angles of Wildcat Soccergate (yes, Bearister, I intentionally chose the suffix "gate" for you). XFL-esque ratings here we come!!!
* Perhaps that one Northwestern coed, pictured making out with a teammate, should adopt the nickname "She Love Me."
* Female soccer players making out with other female soccer players. The XFL. Huh. That gives me an idea. Anyone have Vince McMahon's phone number?
* Finally, (because we just don't cover softball quite enough in the Random Thoughts), every March, college basketball teams dream of going to the Big Dance. Perhaps the girls on the Boone Grove (IN) varsity softball team do not realize that it is actually a metaphor for the NCAA Tournament. After upsetting regional favorite South Central in the state semi-finals, the girls of Boone Grove forfeited the championship because they wanted to go home to get ready for the Prom.
Quick, somebody tell Thing One that El DeBarge is hosting a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest tonight.
**Pop Culture Trivia: Which "famous" baseball team was sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds?
***Last week's trivia: OrangeWhip was extremely close...George Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a "Fat, pussy toad."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
The Waiting Is the Hardest Part...
I sincerely apologize for my lack of posting lately. My travels have put me behind the eight ball at work and I simply don't have the time right now to write something creative. Frankly, I don't have the time to write something cognizant (go ahead...fire away cubfankev!!!)
I appreciate everyone's continued support and I sincerely hope that you will continue checking the Random Thoughts!
I hope to be back "on line" either tomorrow or Thursday...
I appreciate everyone's continued support and I sincerely hope that you will continue checking the Random Thoughts!
I hope to be back "on line" either tomorrow or Thursday...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Walk of Life
A letter:
"Dear Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]:
Okay, I'll admit that I have not played competitive baseball since Eric Maloney took me deep when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I still ask that you consider me for one of the Cubs' five starting pitching slots or for a spot in the team's bullpen. I am positive that I can (and will) throw the ball over the plate on a consistent basis. Sure, I'll give up home runs (heck, some guy may even win a free steak for hitting the bull) and, sure, I'll likely get torched for unlimited runs, but at least Cubs' fans will not have to watch another guy drop his bat and trot down to first with a walk.
Will sign for league minimum, an autographed photo of Mickey Morandini, and unlimited frosty malts.
Sincerely,
Dan Wagner
"cudjoekey"
Look, I hate walks. I despise them. Frankly, it's come to the point where I would rather watch another very special episode of "Reba" than watch another Cub pitcher give yet another free pass to a guy who is barely hitting his weight on the season (Hey, Novoa, it's frickin' Adrian Gonzalez. It ain't Mickey Mantle).
This should come as absolutely no surprise to any of you. After all, it is certainly not the first time that I have mentioned my disdain for the base-on-balls in the Random Thoughts (with the Cubs, walks really should be referred to as bases-on-balls, since, with this team, you can bet your last buffalo nickel that he who receives the free pass will eventually circle the bases and score). Walks are ultimately right up there on my "favorite things list" with brussel sprouts, Michael Bolton records and shoving razor blades in my ears.
Yet, for whatever reason, the Cubs cannot seem to find more than a couple of pitchers who can find the plate on a consistent basis. Jerome Williams and David "AA"rdsma have aleady been exiled to the minors, but Gopherball Glendon, Big Z, Novoa, Scott Williamson, and Angel Guzman all largely have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. Heck, even Scott Eyre, who has arguably been the Cubs best pitcher this year (statistically speaking: 1.65 ERA, 17 K) has walked an (in my mind) unacceptable 10 hitters in 16 innings.
I just don't understand it. Why do Cubs' pitchers have so much dang trouble throwing strikes? And perhaps the most underrated aspect of the game is the art of getting ahead in the count. Generally speaking, once a pitcher gets behind 2-0 or 3-1 in the count, he is going to get hit hard. Very hard. Even the great and all-powerful Khalil Greene will be mistaken for Willie Mays when he is swinging at an unlimited supply of 3-1 meatballs. Heck, even Thing One may actually make a little contact when ahead in the count (but, naturally, pop up to the second baseman).
So who is to blame? Dusty? The pitchers themselves? Pitching coach Larry Rothschild? Some stupid curse? I don't truly know the answer, but I do know that there are an awful lot of ex-Cubs having an awful lot of success in their new homes this year. I've gone through the names before...Cruz, Koronka, The Farns, Gordon. Heck, even Todd Wellemeyer suddenly has his ERA down to 3.21!
In the past, I was never one to give much credit to a pitching coach (or place much blame on one), but the facts are the facts. For the last couple of years, the Cubs' staff has issued walks and gotten behind hitters at an alarming pace. Injuries to the staff have been plentiful and debilitating. Meanwhile, one only has to look to the South Side to find a true success story. Think Jon Garland just woke up one day and suddenly understood how to pitch? How about Javier Vazquez's present-year resurrection? And how about Jose Contreras? For those of you who are not familiar with the history around Jose's arrival in America. After wowing scouts while pitching for the Cuban national team, Jose was the subject of a bitter bidding war between the Red Sox and Yankees. After failing miserably in New York, he was dealt to Chicago where he has been largely unhittable over the last couple of months of play. Think Cooper had nothing to do with it? I suggest that you think again.
At this point, Cooper may even be able to resurrect Hideki Irabu's career... ***
And, as long as we are criticizing the pitching coach, how about a little love for the hitting coach as well? Ahh yes, good old Gene Clines. I remember getting his baseball card in 1978. I'd open a pack, crack a couple of teeth on the stick of gum, curse the fact that I can't read Johnny Bench's stats because of the stupid mark that the gum left on the back of the card, and separate my cards in piles according to how good the player was. I had my stack of superstars that included Billy Buck, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and George Foster. I had my stack of mediocre players that included Bake McBride, Davey Lopes and Chet Lemon. And I had my stack of who-gives-a-crap players that included Stephen Hawking Hairston Sr, Rennie Stennent and, yes, Gene frickin' Clines!
Clines is a lifetime .277 hitter with 5, count em' 5, career home runs. Yes, I know Charley Lau was one of the most famous hitting coaches of all time despite a shocking lack of success at the plate, but I still don't want a lifetime .277 hitter instructing the hitters on my favorite ballclub. Why not have Bob Dylan give Charlotte Church singing lessons? Why not have Henry Burris tutor Rex the Wonder Dog? How about asking Peter Brady to give a seminar on fixing bikes in a timely manner?
As you can see, all the optimism that pervaded my body last Friday is now, alas, gone.
In fact, instead of wasting my time watching last night's crapfest, I decided to actually be productive and accomplish something around the house. So, I finally put into storage a number of things that I will certainly not need anytime soon, but that I have been too lazy to put away. I finally put the holiday decorations in the basement. I stored my "Vote Andre Dawson/ Ryne Sandberg in '88" sign in the garage. I put my "Choose Life" and "Frankie Says" t-shirts in the trash. And finally, I resigned myself to the truth and put the "W" flag in the attic.
Don't cry for me. It's okay. After all, its Chicago Sky season!!! They got next.
By the way, who was it again who commented about Greg Maddux's misleading run of success? "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I am so smart."
Interesting news...
* Padres' broadcaster Jerry Coleman was interviewed by Jonathan Hood last night on AM 1000 and discussed Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. A truly great interview subject, Coleman asked why nobody has questioned Barry Bonds at length about his use of the "Clear" and the "Cream." Coleman stated that everyone involved in baseball knows that ballplayers always have the trainer rub them down and went on to say that "if a ballplayer is rubbing himself, he's going to need a good magazine and he certainly is not going to want anyone to know about it." I almost drove off the road.
* Increasingly known for their publicity stunts (including signing former major leaguer Oil Can Boyd to a contract), the independent minor league team the Brockton Rox have issued a unique challenge to the Kansas City Royals. The Rox have "challenged" the Royals (they won't use the word bet due to its implications and because they do not want to get Charles Barkley overly excited) claiming that they will finish the season with more victories than the major league franchise. Brockton has put up $500 in the challenge and asks that the money-strapped Royals put up $5,000 (with all proceeds going to the construction of a special ballpark designed to accomodate mentally and physically challenged children -- no, not Todd Hundley). Here's the rub...the Rox only play 92 games while the Royals play a full 162-game schedule.
Interesting notes about the Rox: Bill Murray is a part-owner and their mascot is a kangaroo. They have retired two numbers although neither man for whom the number is retired played for the Rox or for any baseball team for that matter. Rather, the team has retired #49 and #62 because the two numbers represent the number of fights won by local boxing celebrities Rocky Marciano and Marvin Hagler. Oh yeah, and Saul Bustos bobble-head doll night is August 19. Get your tickets now.
* In local minor league baseball news, Nigel Thatch, better known as Leon the egomaniac of Budweiser fame, has been traded by the Schaumburg Flyers. After struggling as a starting pitcher, Leon was traded to the Fullerton (CA) Flyers of the Golden League. And what did Schaumburg receive in return? Well, reportedly the Cubs offered Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr., the Orioles offered Kid Corey, and the Padres offered both Mark Bellhorn and Shawn Estes, but the Flyers took the deal than gave them the most value...60 cases of Budweiser in return for the rights to Leon.
Look for the Brockton Rox to offer a Saul Bustos bobble-head in the coming weeks.
* Who really got the better of the Thome for Rowand deal? With the numbers that Thome is putting up, it's hard to argue against Kenny Williams and the White Sox, but has anyone noticed that Rowand is hitting .311, leads the major leagues in multi-hit games, has played phenomenal defense, and has been a catalyst for the Phillies' offense? This is one of those trades that truly benefitted both teams. Philadelphia needed to move the 36-year old first baseman Thome to get young superstar Ryan Howard into the lineup. Just like the Scott Pods - El Caballo trade of a year ago, both teams are smiling. How's that Farnsworth trade working out again, Jim?
* Yesterday, I found out that a bill that I had been lobbying against passed the New York legislature and will be adopted. Disappointed in my failure, I took off my tie, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped it to the floor, and walked slowly to my car.
Huh?
What is with all the NBA players who feel the need to remove their jerseys in the face of a loss? Washington Wizard nee Bullet guard Gilbert Arenas does it after every game and is the most obvious example, but watch enough NBA hoops and you will quickly see that it is quite a common occurrence. I understand that it is a tradition in soccer to celebrate a goal with a shirt removal ceremony (mmmmm...Brandi Chastain) and I know that Dennis Rodman was famous for removing his shirt and tossing it into the crowd, but I still do not get it. Nobody wants to see your new Thug Life tattoo DeQuarius.
Maybe we can start a new workplace trend. Quick, someone tell Erin Andrews that her baseball siedline reporting stinks.
* Finally, I imagine that many of you took note of the fact that I addressed my letter to "Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]. Look, I do not really think that Dusty is on the verge of getting the ol' heave ho, but there certainly is quite a lot of buzz in the media. Given that I suppose that the hammer could drop with a few more losses, it is time to start looking at who may be the next manager of the Chicago National League Ballclub. I have started a list of possibilities below (and please post a comment suggesting your choice for the next Cubs' manager)...
- Lou Pinella: Originally suggested by Random Thoughts commenter Bearister, I love this idea. Pinella would be sure to scare the crap out of these guys. Might as well, bring in Rob Dibble as the pitching coach. Now that would be fun.
- Bobby Valentine: Currently in Japan, Bobby would be a decent fit in Wrigley Field. He has losing in his family as he is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca who famously gave up Bobby Thompson's Shot Heard Round the World.
- Terry Bevington: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, this is the Cubs we are talking about. We fans have lost our right to laugh.
- Steve Stone: A true baseball man who knows that game like few others. Stone has said that he will take the job as long as he is not criticized under any circumstances by the men in the broadcast booth. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay.
- Jack McKeon: Led the Marlins to the World Series title in 2003. Older than Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton and Rich Hill combined. Something like 138 years old. Skokie will love him.
- Mark Prior: It's not like he had anything else to do. Potentially could spend five months on D.L. with a strained thumb from writing out the lineup card.
- Darren Baker: Isn't he actually already the manager?
- Don Baylor and Bruce Kimm co-managing: Crap, we already tried them. Herman Franks?
- Russ Grimm. He'lltakeit.
- John Calipari: Hey, I didn't get my wish with the Iniana Hsiers. Let's try again. Would look sensational in the dugout. May get a little warm in those suits in the middle of August, though.
- Dutchie Caray: Why the hell not?
- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, if he can make winners out of that rag-tag crew, think of what he can do with this rag-tag crew. Hopefully will break Kelly Leak out of Leavenworth and bring him to play right field.
- Lou Brown: I hear the tire shop has fallen on hard times.
- That little kid from Little Big League: If anyone can straighten Einstein Jones out, its got to be Billy Heywood. Wasn't Jones on the Twins when Heywood was the manager? What do you mean it was only a movie?
- Robert Wuhl: Definitely prepared for a top baseball job. Understands the business of the sport thanks to his run as an agent. Terrific coaching experience in Durham. Knows what makes a good wedding gift and understands importance of not lollygagging.
- Dan Wagner: I'd better amend my letter. To hell with pitching...
See you all next Monday!
* My honest pick for the next Cubs' manager? How about former Twins' manager Tom Kelly?
***Sports Trivia of the Day: What did Yankees' boss George Steinbrenner famously call Hideki Irabu after the rotund Yankees' hurler failed to cover first base in a 1999 spring training game?
"Dear Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]:
Okay, I'll admit that I have not played competitive baseball since Eric Maloney took me deep when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I still ask that you consider me for one of the Cubs' five starting pitching slots or for a spot in the team's bullpen. I am positive that I can (and will) throw the ball over the plate on a consistent basis. Sure, I'll give up home runs (heck, some guy may even win a free steak for hitting the bull) and, sure, I'll likely get torched for unlimited runs, but at least Cubs' fans will not have to watch another guy drop his bat and trot down to first with a walk.
Will sign for league minimum, an autographed photo of Mickey Morandini, and unlimited frosty malts.
Sincerely,
Dan Wagner
"cudjoekey"
Look, I hate walks. I despise them. Frankly, it's come to the point where I would rather watch another very special episode of "Reba" than watch another Cub pitcher give yet another free pass to a guy who is barely hitting his weight on the season (Hey, Novoa, it's frickin' Adrian Gonzalez. It ain't Mickey Mantle).
This should come as absolutely no surprise to any of you. After all, it is certainly not the first time that I have mentioned my disdain for the base-on-balls in the Random Thoughts (with the Cubs, walks really should be referred to as bases-on-balls, since, with this team, you can bet your last buffalo nickel that he who receives the free pass will eventually circle the bases and score). Walks are ultimately right up there on my "favorite things list" with brussel sprouts, Michael Bolton records and shoving razor blades in my ears.
Yet, for whatever reason, the Cubs cannot seem to find more than a couple of pitchers who can find the plate on a consistent basis. Jerome Williams and David "AA"rdsma have aleady been exiled to the minors, but Gopherball Glendon, Big Z, Novoa, Scott Williamson, and Angel Guzman all largely have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. Heck, even Scott Eyre, who has arguably been the Cubs best pitcher this year (statistically speaking: 1.65 ERA, 17 K) has walked an (in my mind) unacceptable 10 hitters in 16 innings.
I just don't understand it. Why do Cubs' pitchers have so much dang trouble throwing strikes? And perhaps the most underrated aspect of the game is the art of getting ahead in the count. Generally speaking, once a pitcher gets behind 2-0 or 3-1 in the count, he is going to get hit hard. Very hard. Even the great and all-powerful Khalil Greene will be mistaken for Willie Mays when he is swinging at an unlimited supply of 3-1 meatballs. Heck, even Thing One may actually make a little contact when ahead in the count (but, naturally, pop up to the second baseman).
So who is to blame? Dusty? The pitchers themselves? Pitching coach Larry Rothschild? Some stupid curse? I don't truly know the answer, but I do know that there are an awful lot of ex-Cubs having an awful lot of success in their new homes this year. I've gone through the names before...Cruz, Koronka, The Farns, Gordon. Heck, even Todd Wellemeyer suddenly has his ERA down to 3.21!
In the past, I was never one to give much credit to a pitching coach (or place much blame on one), but the facts are the facts. For the last couple of years, the Cubs' staff has issued walks and gotten behind hitters at an alarming pace. Injuries to the staff have been plentiful and debilitating. Meanwhile, one only has to look to the South Side to find a true success story. Think Jon Garland just woke up one day and suddenly understood how to pitch? How about Javier Vazquez's present-year resurrection? And how about Jose Contreras? For those of you who are not familiar with the history around Jose's arrival in America. After wowing scouts while pitching for the Cuban national team, Jose was the subject of a bitter bidding war between the Red Sox and Yankees. After failing miserably in New York, he was dealt to Chicago where he has been largely unhittable over the last couple of months of play. Think Cooper had nothing to do with it? I suggest that you think again.
At this point, Cooper may even be able to resurrect Hideki Irabu's career... ***
And, as long as we are criticizing the pitching coach, how about a little love for the hitting coach as well? Ahh yes, good old Gene Clines. I remember getting his baseball card in 1978. I'd open a pack, crack a couple of teeth on the stick of gum, curse the fact that I can't read Johnny Bench's stats because of the stupid mark that the gum left on the back of the card, and separate my cards in piles according to how good the player was. I had my stack of superstars that included Billy Buck, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and George Foster. I had my stack of mediocre players that included Bake McBride, Davey Lopes and Chet Lemon. And I had my stack of who-gives-a-crap players that included Stephen Hawking Hairston Sr, Rennie Stennent and, yes, Gene frickin' Clines!
Clines is a lifetime .277 hitter with 5, count em' 5, career home runs. Yes, I know Charley Lau was one of the most famous hitting coaches of all time despite a shocking lack of success at the plate, but I still don't want a lifetime .277 hitter instructing the hitters on my favorite ballclub. Why not have Bob Dylan give Charlotte Church singing lessons? Why not have Henry Burris tutor Rex the Wonder Dog? How about asking Peter Brady to give a seminar on fixing bikes in a timely manner?
As you can see, all the optimism that pervaded my body last Friday is now, alas, gone.
In fact, instead of wasting my time watching last night's crapfest, I decided to actually be productive and accomplish something around the house. So, I finally put into storage a number of things that I will certainly not need anytime soon, but that I have been too lazy to put away. I finally put the holiday decorations in the basement. I stored my "Vote Andre Dawson/ Ryne Sandberg in '88" sign in the garage. I put my "Choose Life" and "Frankie Says" t-shirts in the trash. And finally, I resigned myself to the truth and put the "W" flag in the attic.
Don't cry for me. It's okay. After all, its Chicago Sky season!!! They got next.
By the way, who was it again who commented about Greg Maddux's misleading run of success? "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I am so smart."
Interesting news...
* Padres' broadcaster Jerry Coleman was interviewed by Jonathan Hood last night on AM 1000 and discussed Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. A truly great interview subject, Coleman asked why nobody has questioned Barry Bonds at length about his use of the "Clear" and the "Cream." Coleman stated that everyone involved in baseball knows that ballplayers always have the trainer rub them down and went on to say that "if a ballplayer is rubbing himself, he's going to need a good magazine and he certainly is not going to want anyone to know about it." I almost drove off the road.
* Increasingly known for their publicity stunts (including signing former major leaguer Oil Can Boyd to a contract), the independent minor league team the Brockton Rox have issued a unique challenge to the Kansas City Royals. The Rox have "challenged" the Royals (they won't use the word bet due to its implications and because they do not want to get Charles Barkley overly excited) claiming that they will finish the season with more victories than the major league franchise. Brockton has put up $500 in the challenge and asks that the money-strapped Royals put up $5,000 (with all proceeds going to the construction of a special ballpark designed to accomodate mentally and physically challenged children -- no, not Todd Hundley). Here's the rub...the Rox only play 92 games while the Royals play a full 162-game schedule.
Interesting notes about the Rox: Bill Murray is a part-owner and their mascot is a kangaroo. They have retired two numbers although neither man for whom the number is retired played for the Rox or for any baseball team for that matter. Rather, the team has retired #49 and #62 because the two numbers represent the number of fights won by local boxing celebrities Rocky Marciano and Marvin Hagler. Oh yeah, and Saul Bustos bobble-head doll night is August 19. Get your tickets now.
* In local minor league baseball news, Nigel Thatch, better known as Leon the egomaniac of Budweiser fame, has been traded by the Schaumburg Flyers. After struggling as a starting pitcher, Leon was traded to the Fullerton (CA) Flyers of the Golden League. And what did Schaumburg receive in return? Well, reportedly the Cubs offered Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr., the Orioles offered Kid Corey, and the Padres offered both Mark Bellhorn and Shawn Estes, but the Flyers took the deal than gave them the most value...60 cases of Budweiser in return for the rights to Leon.
Look for the Brockton Rox to offer a Saul Bustos bobble-head in the coming weeks.
* Who really got the better of the Thome for Rowand deal? With the numbers that Thome is putting up, it's hard to argue against Kenny Williams and the White Sox, but has anyone noticed that Rowand is hitting .311, leads the major leagues in multi-hit games, has played phenomenal defense, and has been a catalyst for the Phillies' offense? This is one of those trades that truly benefitted both teams. Philadelphia needed to move the 36-year old first baseman Thome to get young superstar Ryan Howard into the lineup. Just like the Scott Pods - El Caballo trade of a year ago, both teams are smiling. How's that Farnsworth trade working out again, Jim?
* Yesterday, I found out that a bill that I had been lobbying against passed the New York legislature and will be adopted. Disappointed in my failure, I took off my tie, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped it to the floor, and walked slowly to my car.
Huh?
What is with all the NBA players who feel the need to remove their jerseys in the face of a loss? Washington Wizard nee Bullet guard Gilbert Arenas does it after every game and is the most obvious example, but watch enough NBA hoops and you will quickly see that it is quite a common occurrence. I understand that it is a tradition in soccer to celebrate a goal with a shirt removal ceremony (mmmmm...Brandi Chastain) and I know that Dennis Rodman was famous for removing his shirt and tossing it into the crowd, but I still do not get it. Nobody wants to see your new Thug Life tattoo DeQuarius.
Maybe we can start a new workplace trend. Quick, someone tell Erin Andrews that her baseball siedline reporting stinks.
* Finally, I imagine that many of you took note of the fact that I addressed my letter to "Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]. Look, I do not really think that Dusty is on the verge of getting the ol' heave ho, but there certainly is quite a lot of buzz in the media. Given that I suppose that the hammer could drop with a few more losses, it is time to start looking at who may be the next manager of the Chicago National League Ballclub. I have started a list of possibilities below (and please post a comment suggesting your choice for the next Cubs' manager)...
- Lou Pinella: Originally suggested by Random Thoughts commenter Bearister, I love this idea. Pinella would be sure to scare the crap out of these guys. Might as well, bring in Rob Dibble as the pitching coach. Now that would be fun.
- Bobby Valentine: Currently in Japan, Bobby would be a decent fit in Wrigley Field. He has losing in his family as he is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca who famously gave up Bobby Thompson's Shot Heard Round the World.
- Terry Bevington: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, this is the Cubs we are talking about. We fans have lost our right to laugh.
- Steve Stone: A true baseball man who knows that game like few others. Stone has said that he will take the job as long as he is not criticized under any circumstances by the men in the broadcast booth. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay.
- Jack McKeon: Led the Marlins to the World Series title in 2003. Older than Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton and Rich Hill combined. Something like 138 years old. Skokie will love him.
- Mark Prior: It's not like he had anything else to do. Potentially could spend five months on D.L. with a strained thumb from writing out the lineup card.
- Darren Baker: Isn't he actually already the manager?
- Don Baylor and Bruce Kimm co-managing: Crap, we already tried them. Herman Franks?
- Russ Grimm. He'lltakeit.
- John Calipari: Hey, I didn't get my wish with the Iniana Hsiers. Let's try again. Would look sensational in the dugout. May get a little warm in those suits in the middle of August, though.
- Dutchie Caray: Why the hell not?
- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, if he can make winners out of that rag-tag crew, think of what he can do with this rag-tag crew. Hopefully will break Kelly Leak out of Leavenworth and bring him to play right field.
- Lou Brown: I hear the tire shop has fallen on hard times.
- That little kid from Little Big League: If anyone can straighten Einstein Jones out, its got to be Billy Heywood. Wasn't Jones on the Twins when Heywood was the manager? What do you mean it was only a movie?
- Robert Wuhl: Definitely prepared for a top baseball job. Understands the business of the sport thanks to his run as an agent. Terrific coaching experience in Durham. Knows what makes a good wedding gift and understands importance of not lollygagging.
- Dan Wagner: I'd better amend my letter. To hell with pitching...
See you all next Monday!
* My honest pick for the next Cubs' manager? How about former Twins' manager Tom Kelly?
***Sports Trivia of the Day: What did Yankees' boss George Steinbrenner famously call Hideki Irabu after the rotund Yankees' hurler failed to cover first base in a 1999 spring training game?
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