Last night on my way home from work, I stopped at Target but, unfortunately, found nothing. I then searched the aisles at Dick’s Sporting Goods and walked away with zilch. I even went out of my way to check out Outrageous Ozzie’s Overpriced Oddities and came up empty. That said, I am happy to report that my faith in humanity and the wonderful world of advertising has been restored as it turns out that Fat Heads are too big and real to be sold in regular stores.
Now about that $119 price tag for the Yao Ming... (although both the Phoenix Gorilla and Ben Wallace in a Pistons' jersey options have recently been discounted to $39) [insert own joke here].
Anyway, I am happy to report that we have all made it. We have suffered through National Soup Month, conveniently forgetting about that regretful winter day in 1999 when Scott Servais traded in his Cubbie blue and signed as a free agent with the San Francisco Giants (Hey, who can blame him? Barry had the backing of Balco while Sammy had to rely on Snazzy Santiago’s Steroid Science Warehouse where the slogan is “Try the Dino…now with extra androgen) and fought our way past the birthdays of famous politicians Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Dan Quayle and Jerry Springer to get where we are. To get to the wonderful month of shamrock shakes, mysterious Prior and Wood shoulder injuries (and back injuries and elbow injuries and ovary injuries) and reenactments of the assassination of Julius Ceasar. March. It is time for the madness.
Yes, I know that March does not officially start until tomorrow, but I simply don’t care. Approximately, every four years, we are forced to wait an extra whole day to get to the wonderful month of buzzer beaters, bracket busting upsets, and one shining moments and this year, I am taking that extra day back. 2007 shall be an official bizarro-leap year.
First you have the start of the smaller conference tournaments (with the Big South, Horizon and Ohio Valley having gotten underway last night and host of others tipping off this evening) to be followed up by the official start of Championship Week on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN360, ESPNDeportes and ESPNallDukeallthetime. In fact, the only network in the ESPN family that does not get in on the act, is ESPNNY/BOS which, instead of broadcasting the semifinals of the Southland conference will instead show footage of A-Rod and Derek Jeter having a sunny picnic in the park, offer hair styling tips from Manny Ramirez and offer sushi cooking lessons from Diasuke Matsuzaka. Don't worry...the Kyle Farnsworth drinking hour comes on at 11:00.
And, while in the past, Championship Week began on Saturday and lasted through the following Sunday, this year it has been extended to last all the way from Thursday, March 1 through Selection Sunday. That’s eleven full days of teams scratching and clawing their way to the Big Dance. Think of Hanukkah lasting twelve days. Imagine if Christmas lasted three. Envision Festivus lasting an entire month. Nelson Muntz’s favorite crooner Andy Williams said it best… “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
So put the Festivus pole away, drop the frozen french fries in the grease and heat up the artificial "cheese" sauce. Forget the Airing of Grievances and sharpen your bracket pencils. Disregard the “Feats of Strength” and pop "Spring Break Shark Attack" into the DVD player for old times sake. March is upon us.
As most of you know, RT occasional commenter Allinonthefirsthand and I like to think that we have a unique understanding of the selection process and college basketball in general. Yes, it is true that last year, our projections were, in a word, terrible, but hey, everyone is entitled to a bad day. Wasn’t that Oscar winner Tom Hanks who was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of the Waponis in Joe Versus the Volcano, not to mention his unfortunate decision to accept the lead role in Turner and Hooch? Besides, how were we to know that the Selection Committee would spend the majority of their time in an Indianapolis hotel room throwing back shots of Cuervo with Dominic Rhodes rather than reviewing team resumes. Utah State? Air Force? There has to be some explanation, doesn't there? Anyway, let’s take a look at the teams that are contending for spots on the bracket and consider who may win the 31 automatic bids that will be handed out over the next two weeks.
For each conference, I have listed the teams that are in and will be dancing and the teams that are on the "bubble." I have then listed a couple of key questions for each conference, the answers to which may go a long way in determining the referenced team's postseason success before making my projections on what will happen. And, I warn you, some of this is serious basketball analysis.... but most of it certainly is not!
(WARNING: This is quite lengthy, but well-worth the read if I don't say so, myself. Stick with it, if you would)
So, let's go!
In alphabetical order… (BTW, OOC = Out of Conference)
ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
We're Going Dancing!!!!
* North Carolina (very few blemishes on the resume; a likely #1 seed)
* Duke (Rebounded strongly from poor four-game stretch, excellent OOC; top-10 RPI)
* Virginia Tech (Great wins and head scratching defeats)
* Virginia (Struggles on road, but is 10-4 in ACC and has four top 25 RPI wins)
* Maryland (Suprisingly good resume. RPI of 14)
* Boston College (Not the greatest resume but is 10-5 in conference with enough good wins)
Bubble
* Georgia Tech (can’t win on the road, beat Memphis OOC on neutral court)
* Clemson (has lost 9 of 11 after opening the season with 17 straight wins)
* Florida State (have lost 5 of 6, although without starting PG Toney Douglas who is expected back for the ACC tourney)
Big Questions
1. Which Virginia Tech team will show up? The team that swept North Carolina and won at Duke or the team that lost at Marshall and got swept by North Carolina State? Virginia Tech is the ACC’s answer to that girl that Jerry Seinfeld dated who only looked good in certain light. On good days, they look absolutely stunning, but on other days... whoa! What happened there?
2. How good is Boston College now that center Sean Williams has been dismissed from the team and has reclaimed his spot on the Boston Police Deaprtment’s “keep an eye on” list? After the Rolling Stones booted Brian Jones out of the band (only a month before Jones was found at the bottom of a swimming pool surrounded by statues of Winnie the Pooh – true story) they kept moving forward and achieved unrivaled success. Motley Crue, on the other hand, was not so lucky as after Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee and Mick Mars parted ways with frontman Vince Neil, they were no longer identified with all-time classics, Girls, Girls, Girls and Kickstart My Heart, but instead became known primarily as the husbands of Pamela Anderson and Donna D’Errico. Boston College needs to get some satisfaction and avoid entering the theatre of pain.
3. How many favorable calls will Duke benefit from? Whether it is fouls or clock issues, the Blue Devils seem to get more favors from the officials than any other team I have seen.
Projection: Georgia Tech’s victory over Duke and neutral court OOC win over Memphis will make the difference as the Yellow Jackets join the above-listed six teams in the Dance from the ACC. Clemson will not be so lucky as the Tigers will continue to make like David Caruso's career (thanks Kyle!)
AMERICA EAST
Big Question
1. Does Vermont all-time great Taylor Coppenrath have any eligibility left? And, if so, can the Catamounts’ coaching staff convince him to take a week off from his job packing Cherry Garcia and Phish Food to rejoin the team?
Projection: With or without Coppenrath, Vermont is the class of the league.
ATLANTIC 10
Bubble
* Xavier (Profile screams bubble. Nice OOC neutral court win over Villanova, 11-3 in A-10)
* Massachusetts (Remind me why the Minutemen are on here again...)
Big Question
1. If the Musketeers make the NCAA Tournament, will they bring the Blue Blob or the Musketeer with them to their games? The Blue Blob is cute and cuddly. The Musketeer is tough an imposing. Kind of like choosing between Bob Knight on quaaludes and Bob Knight not on quaaludes .
Projection: Xavier wins the conference tournament and gets the auto bid. I actually suspect that Team X will get an at-large bid if needed, but Coach Sean Miller and his veteran squad will take care of business in the A-10 tourney.
ATLANTIC SUN
Big Question
1. Are the powers that be at Libscomb University morons? I'll go ahead and answer it for you... yes. As all good Buffalo Grove High School alums know, the is no such thing as “Bisons.” Perhaps the Lipscomb alums who move to Utah go on to cheer for the Jazzes and those who relocate to Beverly or Mt. Greenwood root for the White Soxes.
Projection: CBS’s announcers won’t have to worry about the stupidity flowing out of Nashville, Tennessee. It will be the East Tennessee State Buccaneerses who will be dancing. Oh wait, Libscomb is in Tennessee? That explains a lot.
BIG 12
Where are my dancing shoes?
* K-ns-s (The only thing missing is quantity in the signature wins category. Will be a #2)
* Texas A screw the ampersand M (Beat KU in only meeting. Excellent resume. Also likely a #2
* Texas (Resume is not as good as you would suspect with zero top-25 RPI wins and only three top-50's. Conference record of 11-3 has them in good shape though)
Bubble
* Texas Tech (Another Jekyll / Hyde team. Swept Texas AM and beat KU, but lost to Baylor. Likely to enter Selection Sunday with 12 losses)
* Kansas State (One top-50 win[1-6], in big trouble following loss last night to...)
* Oklahoma State (Got needed victory over K-State; Zero road wins and losers of 7 of 9)
Big Questions
1. Will Bob Huggins break Lloyd Daniels, Thomas Hamilton, and Richard Dumas out of jail in time to rescue the K-State Wildcats from mediocrity? Huggy Bear is not exactly known for recruiting choir boys and the Wildcats could use an influx of talent if they are going to get a bid.
2. Is it too late to save Oklahoma State's season? With the Pokes' recent slide, the fine folks of Stillwater need something exciting to raise their spirits and Rusty Mae's new steer ain't going to do the trick. Perhaps “retired” Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton will go to an OSU game straight from Buddy Jim’s Brew and Spew, take off his shirt, and attack a third-base coach, er… a courtside official to get the blood flowing again. After all, his son, Sean, is already at the game as the current coach of Okie State. If there is anything the Ligge’s taught us it is the family that charges the field/ court together… has their bond hearing together. Unfortunately, Oklahoma State's chances of making the field of 65 are about equal to the chances of that happening.
3. What in the heck should we call K-ns-s? I’ll admit that some curses are very real. After all, look what being on the cover of Madden Football ‘06 did for Shaun Alexander, who spent the majority of the season sidelined with a toe injury and generally played like James Allen when he did take the field. Others curses, however, are a tad blown out of proportion. Referring to the residents of Phog Allen Fieldhouse as The Team Who Must Not Be Named or Team Voldemort did not seem to have any effect during last year’s tournament, suggesting that, like the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Bob Dylan‘s singing talent, the RT curse is more imagined than real. How about we just call K-ns-s, “I Can’t Believe That Greg Ostertag Actually Got a Degree From There University?” Truth be told, it probably does not matter what we call KU as their combination of talent and chemistry has them primed for a big run (unless they play Rhode Island...or Bucknell... or Bradley...)
Projections: Texas Tech has been up and down this season, but the sweep over Texas A screw the ampersand M and the win over “I Can’t Believe That Greg Ostertag Got a Degree From There University” (we better make that ICBTGOGADFTU for expediency sake) is awfully difficult to ignore. The Red Raiders will get in as the fourth team out of the Big 12. It’s NIT for Kansas State, whose resume if just not good enough and for Oklahoma State, who can’t win outside the comfy confines of Gallagher-Iba Arena
BIG EAST
Just call me Ren McCormack. Now, where is Lori Singer? I'm a bad boy, you know...
* Georgetown (Blew chance at outright conference Championship with loss to 'Cuse Monday. Resume is solid. Likely 2-4 seed)
* Pittsburgh (RPI #4, 9-3 record, solid resume)
* Louisville (Recent hot streak includes wins at Pitt and at Marquette, overall resume not as good as some "experts" will have you believe)
* Notre Dame (Embarrassingly bad non-conference sked, 22-6 with neutral court win over Maryland looks good though)
* Marquette (Stock falling but won at Pitt and Louisville and against Duke on neutral court)
Bubble
*Villanova (terrific RPI of 21, road record of 7-4 and won at G-Town)
* Syracuse (Monday night win over Georgetown is fourth straight and gives the OrangeMEN a signature win)
* Providence (Help! I've fallen and cannot get up)
* West Virginia (Poor RPI of 55, only four top-100 wins, signature win over UCLA came with Collison and Mata on bench for Bruins)
* DePaul (I still love DePaul, but I have to admit this is a mercy listing)
Big Questions
1. How real is the possibility that Villanova coach Jay Wright and Louisville master Rick Pitino will not even be at MSG to coach their respective teams in the Big East Tournament? Yesterday, we talked about what would happen if Bobby Jenks, Michael Sweetney and Hector Villaneuva found themselves in the same Krispy Kreme with only a single donut available and I am certain that everyone agreed that mayhem would assume. Well, that’s nothing compared to what one can expect should the same $6,000 Armani suit catch the eye of both Coach Wright and Coach Pitino. Better call Dr. John Carter and get him back from Africa. Someone is going to need an ER doctor.
2. Is it possible that Pitt big man Aaron Gray is actually a mythical creature that has been trained to act like an American college student-athlete? Possible? There should not be any doubt in your mind! Regardless, Gray is an essential cog in the middle for the Panthers and any hopes of advancing in either the Big East or NCAA Tournament will depend on the performance of the Giant/Ogre/Troll/[insert name of gigantic mythical creature here].
3. How good is Notre Dame freshman behemouth Luke Harangody? Very good and getting better. He’s a terrific banger and underrated scorer in the post. But the Irish better be careful if they plan on relying on him in a big game. He looks an awful lot like Charlie Weis minus 35 years and we all know how much success big Charlie has had in big games on the college level.
Projections: Villanova’s overall profile is not phenomenal, but the bubble is weak this year and the Cats have done enough to get in. Syracuse will also likely squeeze in by virtue of their late-season success, giving the Big East a total of seven bids.
BIG SKY
Big Question
1. Does Weber State have anyone with no neck and really big shoulders who is willing to put his arms really close together and yell to his teammates in a semi-gravely voice “give me the ball!”? Unfortunately, the answer is "no." The Show may continue to torch opponents at the Ogden, Utah YMCA, but has no remaining eligibility. And poor TarHeel Ed Cota, who had the assignment of guarding him on that fateful day in 1999, still maintains his weekly appointments with Dr. Frasier Crane.
Projection: Weber State does have a guy named Brody Van Brocklin. That's good enough for me!
BIG SOUTH
Bubble
* Winthrop (22-4 with 12 road wins including over Old Dominion and Missouri State, but failed in marquee opportunities against Wisconsin, UNC, Maryland, and Texas AM)
Big Question
1. Will my promise made on December 5, 2006 be fulfilled? It was on that date that I stated that Winthrop will win a game in the NCAA tournament this year. Now, I am no Rasheed Wallace, but I'm sticking by my "guarantee."
Projection: Should I see a falling star, I will openly wish for Winthrop to win the Big South Tournament title so we can have the pleasure of seeing them in the Dance. A wish is a dream that your heart makes and come Selection Sunday, my heart will be aflutter...
BIG TEN
My, My, My, My Boogie Shoes. Just to Boogie With You
* Ohio State (Ho hum... Big Ten title = #1 seed)
* Wisconsin (Seven top-50 wins, and RPI of 6, the Badgers will be either a #1 or #2)
* Michigan State (Also have seven top-50 wins although road record is 1-7; beat Wisconsin)
* Indiana (OOC win over Southern Illinois looking terrific. Also beat Wisconsin, MSU, others. Another team that can't win on the road)
Bubble
* Illinois (Not much OOC to speak of, good wins all at home; caught break not havng to go to Columbus or Madison in Big Ten)
* Purdue (Another Big Ten team that is allergic to other team's home courts. Blowout wins over IU, MSU and Ill and OOC win over UVA; strange loss at Minnesota)
* Michigan (Ugh...)
Big Questions
1. Exactly how old is Greg Oden? Like El Duque Hernandez, Alfonso Soriano and Yoda, I really have no idea. But, I do know that if he tries to get a 55 cent senior citizen cup of coffee at Wendy's, there isn't a pimply-faced teen alive who is going to turn him down. Frankly, I haven't seen a guy with that many years behind him have such an impact on college sports since Thornton Melon joined the diving team at Grand Lakes University.
2. Have we found the official RT hottie #3? If only her name were Jessica... I have not made a final decision on this as of yet, but Adam Haluska's fiance Kendra Bengston is smokin.' Hanging out with her won't be a bad consolation prize for missing the tournament, which Iowa will.
3. Will Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan finally admit that Bucky Badger is his long-lost twin brother? With Brian Butch sidelined likely for the remainder of the year, Bo has bigger problems to face. I like Alando Tucker, Chris Rock Taylor and some of the Badgers' complimentary pieces, but my gut tells me that Wisco is an second or third round victim and also that I want a hot fudge sundae.
Projections: Illinois will squeeze in as possibly the last team into the field saving us all from having to hear Coach Orange Coat piss and moan about how the Illini got screwed. I guess he can remained focused on how Eric Gordon and Kelvin Sampson screwed him. Purdue? Oh crap, I don't know...
BIG WEST
Big Question
1. Does anybody care about this conference one iota? Yes, Fanny and Mitchell Stevenson of Reseda, California are die-hard Long Beach State fans and take great offense to this question.
Projection: Fanny and Mitchell will be quite pleased when the 49ers win their conference tournament and get an automatic invite to the Big Dance. They will not be so pleased, when their favorite squad gets beat down in the first round like Homer when he foolishy decided to take on Dredrick Tatum.
COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION
Bubble
* VCU (24-6; outright champs of CAA; Absolutely no heft OOC)
* Old Dominion (11 straight wins and victory over Georgetown in D.C.)
* Drexel (Ultimate road warriors [13-4] won at Syracuse, Creighton, and Villanova, finished in 4th place in conference, however)
Big Question
1. Will there be a Gunston sighting at this year's Dance? Unfortunately, no. George Mason has no shot at an at-large and does not look poised for a run in the CAA Tournament. But at least Gunston is still alive and kicking. I believe it was Bearister who originally reported that, like Daniel D-Day Lewis at Faber College before him, Gunston was being kicked out of GMU. Well, I am happy to report that, like Homer after he faked his own death by throwing a dummy down a cliff to get out of community service, Krusty when he wanted to avoid the taxman and changed his name to Rory B. Bellows, and Elvis Aron Presley, the death of Gunston has been much exaggerated.
Projection: Drexel is probably going to give the committee the most headaches should they not win the automatic bid. VCU has the outright title in their pocket and nothing else. Old Dominion has the winning streak and a signature win. I say that all three go dancing.
CONFERENCE USA
I'm A Dancing Queen, Feel the Beat From the Tambourine...
* Memphis (25-3 record; #8 RPI)
Big Question
1. How good is Memphis? It is hard to ignore their 25-3 overall record but the jury is still out on the Tigers. After all, this is a team that plays in a conference with St. Ray Charles's School for the Blind, St. Helen Keller's School for the Death, and St. Mike Tyson's School for the Criminally Insane. Memphis has only one top-50 win (Kentucky), only five top-100 wins (and two of them are over #99 Houston) and lost to Arizona, Georgia Tech and Tennessee (even without Pat Summitt adorning a cheerleader outfit and firing up the crowd).
Projection: Who could possibly knock off Memphis in the C-USA Tournment? St. Christopher Reeves' School for the Paralyzed? Not gonna happen.
HORIZON LEAGUE
Well, You Can Dance If You Want to, You Can Leave Your Friends Behind...
* Butler (24-5; OOC wins over Tenn, IU, Purdue, ND. and the little overrated school in the Northwest)
Big Question
1. Can the Horizon steal a second bid thanks to Loyola? Why, "thanks to Loyola" you ask? Well, that makes it two big questions... Anyway, Loyola's win at Butler a few weeks ago prevented the Bulldogs from winning the league outright and, thanks to the tiebreaker, Wright State now gets to play the championship game (should they make it) on their home floor. Butler lost at Wright State 77-65 last month on February 10 (remember, the RT recognizes today as March).
Projection: Danny's Little Giants pulled off the upset of upsets and beat Kevin's Little Cowboys thanks to the Icebox and Junior Floyd. If the two teams ever met again, the Cowboys would kick the living crap out of the Giants. Raise that Horizon championship banner, Butler!
IVY LEAGUE
Big Question
1. An airplane that weighs 2,300 pounds takes off with a lift static coefficient of 1.65 and heads toward Buffalo with a cross wind of 4 mph. The plane then encounters a storm that results in drag on the hydraulic system measuring 6.5 mmh. At the same time, a 57-yar old air traffic controller has a heart attack and his pulse decreases to 38 beats per minute. Given this fact pattern, how long will it take the passenger seated in seat 15A to read War and Peace while surfing the internet for naked pictures of Kendra Bengston?
Projection: It's the Ivy League and Pete Carrill is long gone. Penn will win, but does it really matter? The starting point guard will end up the boss of us all, anyway.
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC
Big Question
1. Can IO-NA make a run in the conference tournament and join the NCAA party? J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison were co-winners of the Oscar Robertson Trophy for NCAA Player of the Year in 2006, but you know who should have won? How about IO-NA guard Steve Burtt. Burtt lead the Gaels in scoring at 25.2 ppg in 2005-06 and his graduation triggered a slide from a 23-7 record in '05-06 all the way down to 2-27 this season. Burtt's career is over. So is IO-NA's season. Alas.
Projection: There is a lot of parity in the MAAAAAAAAC with six teams finishing with double-digit conference wins. Rik Smits went to Marist, a fact that means nothing. So, I guess, I will go with the #4 seed Siena in a mild upset.
Oh man, it looks like it is going to have to be another multi-part extravaganza for the RT. I'll cover the remaining conferences in Part II tomorrow (which, of course, will push back Part III of the "Glorious Return of the RT," to a date when I was planning on writing Part I of the prequel to Part II of the Glorious Return which was going to be littered with references to Part III).
And I know you will all return to find out why Bradley might win the Missouri Valley...
Enjoy tonight's action!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Madness!!!
The must-anticipated post on college basketball will be up at some point today. So stay turned to learn about a new potential nickname for K-ns-s, to discover who may be the official RT Hottie #3, and why Bradley may win the Missouri Valley Tournament.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I Will Take Seven Dozen Original Glazed, Two Dozen Chocolate Iced With Sprinkles, Six Dozen...
Welcome to Part II of the glorious return of the RT. As you all know, sequels are usually hit or miss. I sure hope to be more like Godfather II than Porky’s II: The Next Day, and God help us all, if this ends up anything like Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. I mean, at least Porky’s had its gratuitous shower scenes and making a movie titled “Dirty Dancing” that garners nothing more than a PG-13 rating is like making a movie called “Psycho Slut Deaths” and failing to include Anna Nicole Smith in the cast. Oh wait, never mind.
* Last week, I reference Scottie Pippen’s possible return to the NBA. Good to see, most NBA insiders are laughing off the possibility of Mr. 1.8 Seconds chasing Carmelo Anthony around screens and trying to get his shot off against LeBron James. Look Scottie… there are good returns and there are not-so-good returns. Number 23's return with the Bulls… good. Number 23's return with the Cubs. Not-so-good. Return of the Jedi… good. Return of the Living Dead… not-so-good. The Police’s return at the Grammy’s… good. Shaq-Fu: Da Return… horrible. Where will you fall Scottie? Well, let’s just say that you would probably be better off joining Kareem in dragging Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes during an old-timer’s game than trying to guard Dirk Nowitzki off the screen and roll or drive the lane against Chris Bosh. Or maybe just skip the geriatric games altogether and go and get your co-pilot’s license. Just don’t order the fish.*
* One team that should want absolutely nothing to do with Scottie’s possible return is the Bulls and, while a lot of fans are grinding their teeth and wringing their hands over the Bulls’ failure to make a trade at the NBA trading deadline, I applaud John Paxson’s inactivity. Everyone knows that the Bulls are in desperate need for a post presence who can score and Pau Gasol undoubtedly would have helped in that regard, but trading any of the Bulls’ core group of young talent (Deng, Gordon, Hinrich or Nocioni) would have been a mistake. The bottom line is that the Bulls are more than one player away from winning an NBA title with teams like Phoenix and Dallas dominating play. Why mortgage a bright future to prove that you are the tallest midget in the Lollipop Gang or to demonstrate that you are the Illini basketball player with the fewest arrests? Yes, Gasol is a very nice player and inserting him into the lineup would have put the Bulls in a better position to win the terrible Eastern Conference, but the team still would have likely gotten destroyed in the Finals and, nobody wants to settle for second place, except maybe Torrence Shipman's Rancho Carne cheerleading squad or Lovie Smith, as evidenced by his insistence to play everyone’s favorite Wonder Dog.
* You can bet your last nickel that Big Red would not have stood for second place. Spirit fingers! Spirit Fingers!!!!!!
* Given my opinion that it would be a bad idea to trade any of the players that make up the core group (not to mention the fact that the trading deadline has officially passed), the Bulls need to think outside the box in seeking a big man who can score. Scottie? As I mentioned…not really an option. But if James Edwards wants to get off the couch... roll his old bones on out there. Stop by Dennis Johnson’s funeral and offer The Chief a quarter-ounce to strap back on a pair of Chuck Taylor’s. Get Mel Fisher and Jacques Cousteau to search the ocean floor for the remains of Bison Dele. And dig up an old pair of size 21 AAAAA Converse Weapons (foreshadowing alert!), and convince Will Perdue to leave his job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. Think creatively, people!
* Yes, I know that Will Perdue could not score. Look, the Bulls’ current option is Michael Sweetney and that guy is too busy picking up the Ho-Ho’s that dropped out of his warm-up pants to be productive on the court. And so, yes, it is a little like choosing between shaving Britney Spears' head or shaving Rosanne Arnold's back where neither option is particularly appealing, but the choice is still clear.
* Consider this scenario… Michael Sweetney and Bobby Jenks enter a Krispy Kreme. Former Cub catcher Hector Villaneuva greets them at the counter and then warns them that the donut-glazing machine is broken and there is only one donut left and he too is hungry. Discuss what ensues...
* One of the reasons that the Bulls’ find themselves with a gigantic hole in the middle (nice donut metaphor, huh?), is that they spent six gazillon dollars on a guy who can’t score and, frankly, doesn’t play particularly good defense, especially against the top post players in the league. I know it is easy to criticize the Ben Wallace signing in retrospect (I mean, at the time, the Cubs' free-agent signing of Mel rojas seemed like a good idea), but it really sucks to have a highly-paid guy who you can’t keep on the floor in the last few minutes of games because he shoots free throws like Stevie Wonder shoots darts, who has less offensive moves than the aforementioned big stiff from Vanderbilt, and cannot even grab a crucial rebound in the final seconds of a game.
* Ben's "struggles" have been particularily evident in the last two games. First, on Sunday, he destroys all momentum the Bulls had by getting an untimely technical foul in the third quarter and then is nothing more than a bystander as Chris Webber grabs an offensive rebound and hits the game winning shot with three seconds remaining in the Bulls' 95-93 loss to the Pistons (and, please, do not give me that crap about Webber having pushed P.J. Brown in the back). And then on Monday, he gets torched time and time again by Dwight Howard and Darko Milicic in the Bulls' loss to the Orlando Magic. Ben finished the game with three points and eight rebounds. In the words of Cleveland Indians' fictional television/ radio announcer Harry Doyle... "that's all he got is eight g-d damn rebounds." Heck, if we wanted those kinds of numbers we could have used the money to sign Marco Killingworth or brought back Marcus Fizer and had enough left over to buy a barrelfull of Honus Wagner baseball cards ($2.35 million for a baseball card. I'll tell you what, I'll sell you my 1981 DTopps Dennis Lamp and my 1985 Doug Dascenzo for $3. And I will even throw in two sticks of the gum. Trip to the dentist to repair teeth not included).
* Uh oh…Chris is celebrating his Sunday game winner with a trip to Krispy Kreme. Watch out Michael and Bobby! I mean, have you seen Chris lately? Chris this is Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig this is Chris. Now, please leave Little Debbie alone.
* Glad to see that Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen has rejoined the working force. Thanks to RT Ring-of-Honor member All Hail the Chief for that tasty bit of news. Can’t say that I have seen her new show, though. I do hope, however, that as long as she has dropped the Amber, she has dropped the industrial-sized bag of M & M’s too. We need more Kelly Kapowski and less Valerie Malone. For awhile there, during her pot-smokin’, suicide-tryin’, father muderin’ days, she would have taken out Chris, Bobby, Michael, Hector and the all three Fat Boys and ended up with the sucrose-laden delight. You really cannot blame her, though. Losing the ultra-hip David Silver to the human stripper pole formally known as Tori Spelling would do that to anyone. Where is Zack Morris when you so desperately need him?
* Okay, one more “fat” mention and then I promise I will be done with it. The world's businesses introduced a lot of exciting new products during the two month hiatus of the RT. Apple came out with the I-Phone. Sony came out with Playstation 59 or whatever. ISSA came out with its new Cleaning Industry Management Standard (snicker, snicker). But the most exciting new product came from the fine folks at “Fat Head,” as the Michigan-base company significantly expanded its lineup of available "fatheads." Orange Whip…you can probably get yourself a Dee Brown and WrigleyBill's wife can get a Ben Allen. Pfarro… the Jamal Lewis/ Antwaan Randle El combo would look nice on your wall. How about a Walter Payton for Bearister, a Brad Miller for Allinonthefirsthand, a Bonnie Bernstein for Shabba Dabba Doo, and a Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum for The Wife. Tim Hardaway may even want an A-Rod. Me, I’m going with the newly available Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders.
That ought to put us back on track…
* Dwyane Wade’s potentially season-ending shoulder injury has left me so disillusioned. For years, we have seen Dwayne get mildly knocked to the floor only to writhe in pain and generally act like he had just offended Pac-Man Jones' posse and has been made to suffer the consequences. Yet, everytime Wade was knocked to the floor, he amazingly was able to get up, return to action, and dominate just as he had done prior to getting “injured.” Heck, Converse built an entire advertising campaign around it. But, after seeing Dewayne get taken off the court in a wheelchair, I no longer know what to think. If we can’t trust our televisions and the fine folks at marketing agencies throughout the country, who and what can we trust? I already know from personal experience that Red Bull does not give you wings, but I must ask, what is next? If I am having a boring day sitting around doing nothing and open a Coors Lite, will Jay-Z not suddenly blast through my boom box and will I not suddenly be surrounded by women in bikinis? If I order a sub from Jimmy Johns, will their fast delivery not really cause me to freak? Is that not really Mike Davis in the Enterprise commercial with the big green, foam finger? Does Sparkle Girl not really sparkle? Is the Converse Weapon not really the shoe that let’s Magic do what he was born to do?**
And don’t you dare tell Erdman that if he sends his $15 in to order “Spring Break Sorority Sister Spankdown” that the girls aren’t really going wild.
* Post a comment, please, alert.... What other promises have commercials made that we will not longer be able to trust thanks to Deewayne and his shoulder injury?
* Society is littered with dropouts, rapscallions, and others who qualify as unquestioned failures. Men and women like Frenchy (before Frankie Avalon convinced her to wipe off that angel face and go back to high school), Holden Caulfield, and Marcus Liberty. And that is why I am always excited to see someone who is going through a rough period, grab life by the horns (oh wait, if I buy a Dodge Ram pickup, do I not really get to grab life by the horns?), take control and turn things around. He may not have won the Best-Supporting Actor Academy Award, but bravo to former Morris Buttermaker-pupil Kelly Leak for his nomination for an Oscar. This is a guy who was a genuine juvenile delinquent (albeit with a terrific arm and incredibly dangerous bat), who eventually moved to Bloomington, Indiana, changed his name to Moocher, and was part of a Little 500 championship Cutters team, before heading to Hollywood to take up acting. Good for you Kelly. Keep reaching for the stars. Just stay out of the Krispy Kreme. There’s trouble in there.
Well, once again, I did not write half as much as I wanted, but like the old woman who stupidly threw the Heart of the Ocean away (Hey grandma, Jack’s dead and he ain’t coming back), I’m tired and I need some rest. Part III anyone? After all, I have not even gotten to the Cubs yet…
Actually, given that today officially starts the greatest five weeks of the year, with the start of conference tournaments in the Ohio Valley (how many days until the Ohio Valley? How about ZERO!!!!!), Horizon and Big South, my next post will likely focus on college hoops and the upcoming madness. I then plan to turn my attention to "Part III" and talk about the Cubs, Sox and assorted other fun things before hopefully settling into the fairly regular schedule that you all built your lives around in 2006.
Keep checking and I will keep posting…
* Today’s Pop-Culture Trivia: What was the name of the automatic pilot who had to fly the play after Captain Oveur and Roger Murdock fell ill? By the way, 24 fans will be interested to know that the actor who played President Charles Logan made his acting debut in the movie starring as “Religious Zealot #1” and had the first line in the movie.
**Today’s Sorta-Sports, Sorta-Pop Culture Trivia Question: Besides Magic Johnson, what other athletes appeared in the greatest shoe commercial of all time…the 80’s commercial for Converse Weapons?
* Last week, I reference Scottie Pippen’s possible return to the NBA. Good to see, most NBA insiders are laughing off the possibility of Mr. 1.8 Seconds chasing Carmelo Anthony around screens and trying to get his shot off against LeBron James. Look Scottie… there are good returns and there are not-so-good returns. Number 23's return with the Bulls… good. Number 23's return with the Cubs. Not-so-good. Return of the Jedi… good. Return of the Living Dead… not-so-good. The Police’s return at the Grammy’s… good. Shaq-Fu: Da Return… horrible. Where will you fall Scottie? Well, let’s just say that you would probably be better off joining Kareem in dragging Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes during an old-timer’s game than trying to guard Dirk Nowitzki off the screen and roll or drive the lane against Chris Bosh. Or maybe just skip the geriatric games altogether and go and get your co-pilot’s license. Just don’t order the fish.*
* One team that should want absolutely nothing to do with Scottie’s possible return is the Bulls and, while a lot of fans are grinding their teeth and wringing their hands over the Bulls’ failure to make a trade at the NBA trading deadline, I applaud John Paxson’s inactivity. Everyone knows that the Bulls are in desperate need for a post presence who can score and Pau Gasol undoubtedly would have helped in that regard, but trading any of the Bulls’ core group of young talent (Deng, Gordon, Hinrich or Nocioni) would have been a mistake. The bottom line is that the Bulls are more than one player away from winning an NBA title with teams like Phoenix and Dallas dominating play. Why mortgage a bright future to prove that you are the tallest midget in the Lollipop Gang or to demonstrate that you are the Illini basketball player with the fewest arrests? Yes, Gasol is a very nice player and inserting him into the lineup would have put the Bulls in a better position to win the terrible Eastern Conference, but the team still would have likely gotten destroyed in the Finals and, nobody wants to settle for second place, except maybe Torrence Shipman's Rancho Carne cheerleading squad or Lovie Smith, as evidenced by his insistence to play everyone’s favorite Wonder Dog.
* You can bet your last nickel that Big Red would not have stood for second place. Spirit fingers! Spirit Fingers!!!!!!
* Given my opinion that it would be a bad idea to trade any of the players that make up the core group (not to mention the fact that the trading deadline has officially passed), the Bulls need to think outside the box in seeking a big man who can score. Scottie? As I mentioned…not really an option. But if James Edwards wants to get off the couch... roll his old bones on out there. Stop by Dennis Johnson’s funeral and offer The Chief a quarter-ounce to strap back on a pair of Chuck Taylor’s. Get Mel Fisher and Jacques Cousteau to search the ocean floor for the remains of Bison Dele. And dig up an old pair of size 21 AAAAA Converse Weapons (foreshadowing alert!), and convince Will Perdue to leave his job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. Think creatively, people!
* Yes, I know that Will Perdue could not score. Look, the Bulls’ current option is Michael Sweetney and that guy is too busy picking up the Ho-Ho’s that dropped out of his warm-up pants to be productive on the court. And so, yes, it is a little like choosing between shaving Britney Spears' head or shaving Rosanne Arnold's back where neither option is particularly appealing, but the choice is still clear.
* Consider this scenario… Michael Sweetney and Bobby Jenks enter a Krispy Kreme. Former Cub catcher Hector Villaneuva greets them at the counter and then warns them that the donut-glazing machine is broken and there is only one donut left and he too is hungry. Discuss what ensues...
* One of the reasons that the Bulls’ find themselves with a gigantic hole in the middle (nice donut metaphor, huh?), is that they spent six gazillon dollars on a guy who can’t score and, frankly, doesn’t play particularly good defense, especially against the top post players in the league. I know it is easy to criticize the Ben Wallace signing in retrospect (I mean, at the time, the Cubs' free-agent signing of Mel rojas seemed like a good idea), but it really sucks to have a highly-paid guy who you can’t keep on the floor in the last few minutes of games because he shoots free throws like Stevie Wonder shoots darts, who has less offensive moves than the aforementioned big stiff from Vanderbilt, and cannot even grab a crucial rebound in the final seconds of a game.
* Ben's "struggles" have been particularily evident in the last two games. First, on Sunday, he destroys all momentum the Bulls had by getting an untimely technical foul in the third quarter and then is nothing more than a bystander as Chris Webber grabs an offensive rebound and hits the game winning shot with three seconds remaining in the Bulls' 95-93 loss to the Pistons (and, please, do not give me that crap about Webber having pushed P.J. Brown in the back). And then on Monday, he gets torched time and time again by Dwight Howard and Darko Milicic in the Bulls' loss to the Orlando Magic. Ben finished the game with three points and eight rebounds. In the words of Cleveland Indians' fictional television/ radio announcer Harry Doyle... "that's all he got is eight g-d damn rebounds." Heck, if we wanted those kinds of numbers we could have used the money to sign Marco Killingworth or brought back Marcus Fizer and had enough left over to buy a barrelfull of Honus Wagner baseball cards ($2.35 million for a baseball card. I'll tell you what, I'll sell you my 1981 DTopps Dennis Lamp and my 1985 Doug Dascenzo for $3. And I will even throw in two sticks of the gum. Trip to the dentist to repair teeth not included).
* Uh oh…Chris is celebrating his Sunday game winner with a trip to Krispy Kreme. Watch out Michael and Bobby! I mean, have you seen Chris lately? Chris this is Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig this is Chris. Now, please leave Little Debbie alone.
* Glad to see that Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen has rejoined the working force. Thanks to RT Ring-of-Honor member All Hail the Chief for that tasty bit of news. Can’t say that I have seen her new show, though. I do hope, however, that as long as she has dropped the Amber, she has dropped the industrial-sized bag of M & M’s too. We need more Kelly Kapowski and less Valerie Malone. For awhile there, during her pot-smokin’, suicide-tryin’, father muderin’ days, she would have taken out Chris, Bobby, Michael, Hector and the all three Fat Boys and ended up with the sucrose-laden delight. You really cannot blame her, though. Losing the ultra-hip David Silver to the human stripper pole formally known as Tori Spelling would do that to anyone. Where is Zack Morris when you so desperately need him?
* Okay, one more “fat” mention and then I promise I will be done with it. The world's businesses introduced a lot of exciting new products during the two month hiatus of the RT. Apple came out with the I-Phone. Sony came out with Playstation 59 or whatever. ISSA came out with its new Cleaning Industry Management Standard (snicker, snicker). But the most exciting new product came from the fine folks at “Fat Head,” as the Michigan-base company significantly expanded its lineup of available "fatheads." Orange Whip…you can probably get yourself a Dee Brown and WrigleyBill's wife can get a Ben Allen. Pfarro… the Jamal Lewis/ Antwaan Randle El combo would look nice on your wall. How about a Walter Payton for Bearister, a Brad Miller for Allinonthefirsthand, a Bonnie Bernstein for Shabba Dabba Doo, and a Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum for The Wife. Tim Hardaway may even want an A-Rod. Me, I’m going with the newly available Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders.
That ought to put us back on track…
* Dwyane Wade’s potentially season-ending shoulder injury has left me so disillusioned. For years, we have seen Dwayne get mildly knocked to the floor only to writhe in pain and generally act like he had just offended Pac-Man Jones' posse and has been made to suffer the consequences. Yet, everytime Wade was knocked to the floor, he amazingly was able to get up, return to action, and dominate just as he had done prior to getting “injured.” Heck, Converse built an entire advertising campaign around it. But, after seeing Dewayne get taken off the court in a wheelchair, I no longer know what to think. If we can’t trust our televisions and the fine folks at marketing agencies throughout the country, who and what can we trust? I already know from personal experience that Red Bull does not give you wings, but I must ask, what is next? If I am having a boring day sitting around doing nothing and open a Coors Lite, will Jay-Z not suddenly blast through my boom box and will I not suddenly be surrounded by women in bikinis? If I order a sub from Jimmy Johns, will their fast delivery not really cause me to freak? Is that not really Mike Davis in the Enterprise commercial with the big green, foam finger? Does Sparkle Girl not really sparkle? Is the Converse Weapon not really the shoe that let’s Magic do what he was born to do?**
And don’t you dare tell Erdman that if he sends his $15 in to order “Spring Break Sorority Sister Spankdown” that the girls aren’t really going wild.
* Post a comment, please, alert.... What other promises have commercials made that we will not longer be able to trust thanks to Deewayne and his shoulder injury?
* Society is littered with dropouts, rapscallions, and others who qualify as unquestioned failures. Men and women like Frenchy (before Frankie Avalon convinced her to wipe off that angel face and go back to high school), Holden Caulfield, and Marcus Liberty. And that is why I am always excited to see someone who is going through a rough period, grab life by the horns (oh wait, if I buy a Dodge Ram pickup, do I not really get to grab life by the horns?), take control and turn things around. He may not have won the Best-Supporting Actor Academy Award, but bravo to former Morris Buttermaker-pupil Kelly Leak for his nomination for an Oscar. This is a guy who was a genuine juvenile delinquent (albeit with a terrific arm and incredibly dangerous bat), who eventually moved to Bloomington, Indiana, changed his name to Moocher, and was part of a Little 500 championship Cutters team, before heading to Hollywood to take up acting. Good for you Kelly. Keep reaching for the stars. Just stay out of the Krispy Kreme. There’s trouble in there.
Well, once again, I did not write half as much as I wanted, but like the old woman who stupidly threw the Heart of the Ocean away (Hey grandma, Jack’s dead and he ain’t coming back), I’m tired and I need some rest. Part III anyone? After all, I have not even gotten to the Cubs yet…
Actually, given that today officially starts the greatest five weeks of the year, with the start of conference tournaments in the Ohio Valley (how many days until the Ohio Valley? How about ZERO!!!!!), Horizon and Big South, my next post will likely focus on college hoops and the upcoming madness. I then plan to turn my attention to "Part III" and talk about the Cubs, Sox and assorted other fun things before hopefully settling into the fairly regular schedule that you all built your lives around in 2006.
Keep checking and I will keep posting…
* Today’s Pop-Culture Trivia: What was the name of the automatic pilot who had to fly the play after Captain Oveur and Roger Murdock fell ill? By the way, 24 fans will be interested to know that the actor who played President Charles Logan made his acting debut in the movie starring as “Religious Zealot #1” and had the first line in the movie.
**Today’s Sorta-Sports, Sorta-Pop Culture Trivia Question: Besides Magic Johnson, what other athletes appeared in the greatest shoe commercial of all time…the 80’s commercial for Converse Weapons?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Just Call Me Scottie Pippen...
...only I hope that you actually want me back.
Well, it has been an awfully long time since I last enhanced your life with my Random Sports Thoughts and Random Pop Culture Thoughts and Random Jessica Alba In Knee-High Black Leather Boots Thoughts. I know that most of you have an appreciation for why I have been absent for such an extended period of time and I thank you for your patience and hope that you will once again check the RT on a frequent basis (and by "frequent," I mean about as often as Ozzie Guillen is forced to apologize for offending the friends of John Amaechi, in other words, at least six or seven times a day). I cannot tell you how often I will post, but I hope to return on a fairly regular basis and will do my best to entertain and educate you as much as possible.
My absence from the RT resulted from two things... (1) the untimely death of RT Ring-of-Honor member and my friend, WrigleyBill; and (2) a new assignment at work that has kept me busier than Tank Johnson's team of defense lawyers. After Bill's death, I was completely uninspired and could not imagine writing a blog without knowing that a witty, thought-provoking, Brett Favre-loving comment from Bill was forthcoming. But, I am fairly certain that, as I write this, Bill is up in heaven, smiling, drinking a beer, and discussing with Harry Caray whether Cliff Floyd or Weasley should be the Cubs' everyday left-fielder, chatting with Joe Paterno about the absurdity of the BCS (what do you mean, JoePa is not dead, yet? Well, put him in the wheelbarrow anyway. Even if he is still alive and kicking, it can't be long now, can it?), and wondering when the Random Sports Thoughts will once again be open for business. Bill, I miss you... We all do.
Plus, I was hoping that being absent for as long as I have will allow me to recycle a number of already-used pop culture references. Imean, do you have any clue how hard it is to come up with yet another pop culture illness or disease to attribute to Kerry Wood? And I have instructed the Minister of Magic to erase all of your memories just in case you do remember my infamous comparison of the Cubs roster without Kerry Wood to the band Poison without the able vocal talents of Bret Michaels. And, who could possibly forget that?
Anyway, enough of this explaining... I imagine that reading all of this intro stuff is making most of you feel like Milhouse when Poochie interrupted Itchy and Scratchy's trip to the fireworks factory and, at this point, you just want me to get to the dang post already. Ask... and you shall receive.
So, without further ado... Welcome back to the Random Sports Thoughts. I'd say that the RT is "back and better than ever," but I don't get weekly pedicures and, while "thewife" may think I am an idiot, I see no reason to admit the fact or explain why to the whole world. So I will just say say that the RT is back. And, oh man, I have a LOT to say.
* Ahhh...the Super Bowl. Well, you can't say that I did not warn you. I told all of you not to believe the hype. I was adamant that it would happen. I was insistent. I begged you to listen. In fact, I pleaded. And now you all have to admit that I was right. Like it or not, you have to agree that the Random Thoughts has been dead-on since the beginning. Yes, fans of the RT, Kevin Federline has resurrected his career.
* What? You were expecting something else?
* Texans' running back Dominack Davis has announced that he has officially changed his name to Domanick Williams. After a pair of injury-plagued seasons, Williams announced that he simply wants to be a new man. An unusual move? Not really. Lew Alcindor became Kareen Abdul-Jabaar. Mark Prior became Jaime Navarro. Prince became a bizarre symbol. Greg became Johnny Bravo. And the only explanation I can come up with for the Wonder Dog's complete inability to get the job done when it matters most, is that either Craig Krenzel or Henry Burris must have made a 2003 visit to Nip/Tuck's Dr. Sean McNamara or Dr. 90210's Dr. Robert Rey and officially changed his name to Rex Grossman.
* Oh yeah, Rex. Hmmmm...who possibly could have seen that coming?
* It was WrigleyBill ROH who commented that trusting your future to Rex makes as much sense as reuiniting The Scorpions and having them play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" at the Superdome. Pure genius.
* Crap! Did I miss the NFL Pro Bowl? Oh man! I can't believe I missed it!! Someone tell me quick...how many catches did Bobby Wade have? Did J.J. Arrington run the ball well? Did Alfonso Boone have any sacks? You mean, he pulled out with an "injury" too?
* The NFL Pro Bowl is like going to see "Styx" at this summer's LisleFest. If you go expecting to see genuine stars doing what they do best, you are going to come away horribly disappointed. Oh sure, Chuck Panozzo is still humming on the bass and Crummy Gums McGowan is still tuning the guitars and having his way with the ladies that the band wants no part of, but Tommy Shaw's boss at White Castle won't let him leave work early and there's a sale on Mel Gibson autographed menorahs at Esther Epstein's Chutzpah Emporium and Dennis DeYoung is working the register.
* See... that memory charm worked didn't it?
* With Queer Eye For the Straight Guy fan Chuck Panozzo still in the band, I can guarantee that Tim Hardaway wants no part of LisleFest this year. And there goes his chance to play with Jeff Garcia at the Liberace Memorial Golf Tournament to be held this year at Crooked Stick. Not to mention his hopes of making an NBA comeback and joining J.J. Redick in the Orlando Magic backcourt, his plans to open a hair salon with Mike Piazza, and his dream of taking care of Stan's dog Sparky at Big Gay Al's farm.
* Liberace, not gay? Sure, and David Stern is going to ask Tyrus Thomas to teach a class on how to deal with the media.
* By the way, upon hearing Hardaway's comments, John Paxson immediately fined Tim $10,000 and insisted that he not wear a headband to the Indigo Girls concert that night.
* Bet you feel pretty stupid having voted for Mark Foley now, huh Tim?
* Andy Reid took a month leave of absence from the Eagles to deal with personal matters, including the felony-arrests of his sons, Garrett, who apparently has been spending a little too much time with the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, and Britt, who apparently thinks that he is the real Slim Shady. Andy, please do not waver. Be proud of your boys. After all, there is a very simple explanation for their behavior. Marvin Lewis had offered them a tryout and they were just preparing for life in Cincinnati.
* The Bears are spending the off-season looking for a host of new coaches. The Lions are spending the off-season looking for new players (not to mention a guidebook on how to keep coaches from driving naked down Eight Mile). The Cowboys are spending the off-season trying to figure out how to get T.O. to finish the job and actually succeed this time. I am sure you will agree that theses are all understandable and not particularily unusual off-season activities. The Bengals, on the other hand, are spending the off-season looking for Jackie Childs phone number and trying to coax Alonzo Spellman out of retirement and break Maurice Clarett out of the clink.
* I recommend orange unis on the road and traditional black and white stripes when playing home games at Paul Brown Stadium. Gonna be awfully tough to run routes with that ball attached to your ankle, though. By the way, Chris Henry, please be sure to say hello to Snake, Mike Tyson and the sisters for me. And, speaking of the sisters, I wouldn't drop the soap.
* Man, there certainly was a little trouble at Minxx in Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend, huh? Who knew Andy Reid's other son goes by the name Pac-Man?
* Jessica Alba. What else needs to be said?
* The University of Illinois finally retired Chief Illiniwek. Look, Bruce, Eric Gordon made his choice. Get over it.
* As long as the Illini are completely willing to get rid of things that are controversial, perhaps removing the Coors Lite Party Ball from the locker room would be a good idea. And somebody please remind Jamar Smith that Chester Frazier is not Dr. Mark Greene or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Heck, Chester Frazier is not even Dr. Nick Riveria.
* "Hi everybody!" Uh oh, Brian is not answering. I know, Chester, let's leave Brian in the car overnight and tomorrow we can take him to my Uncle Bernie's beach house, dress him in a Hawaiian shirt, get a keg, and invite Lindsay Lohan over. Yeah, that's a great idea!
* By the way, make sure you keep criticizing Kelvin Sampson for unethical recruiting practices. Don't worry, I'm sure that your next group of Illini recruits will take you back to the top of the mountain. Rumor has it that Jose Cuervo has a great jump shot, Jack Daniels is a ferocious rebounder, and Zima (hey, he's from South America. Who needs a last name at Carnival?) likes to cut back door.
* Tim Hardaway will NOT be attending any of your games next year...
* The Illini picked up a much-needed home win versus Michigan Wednesday night at the fake Assembly Hall (memory charm, people!). Can someone please tell me how Tommy Amaker still has a job? Does he have pictures of the UM Athletic Director making out with Thad Matta? Did Drew Henson give him those photos of Tom Brady dressed in drag at the Alpha Beta formal? Does he have evidence that Chris Webber and Jalen Rose took improper benefits? Wait a minute, strike that last one. Saying that Webber and Rose took improper benefits is like saying that Barry Bonds took steroids. How much evidence do you really need?
* First, the Wolverines get screwed out of the BCS Championship Game (yes, I did see the Rose Bowl as well as the ass-whooping laid on Ohio State in the Championship Game, yet am still convinced that Michigan should have played in the game under the system as it is set up) and now UM fans are forced to suffer through another basketball season of abject mediocrity. But, you know what, I am delighted that Michigan is forced to suffer. Any school that is responsible for unleashing David Terrell on the world, deserves everything they they get.
* By the way, a memo to Tommy Amaker and Notre Dame coach Mike Brey... 1992 called. They want their look back. Like other 1992 favorites, The Spin Doctors, the Home Alone franchise, and the Chicago Blackhawks making an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, the mock turtleneck/ sportcoat look is gone, likely never to return. Ever.
* Michigan's loss was Florida's gain and the Gators ended up adding a BSC championship to their 2006 NCAA basketball championship. One may wonder how a school that produced a quarterback who frightened Bears' fans with one of the most embarrasing performances in quite some time has enjoyed such a terrific run. I mean that Danny Wuerrfel country Christmas album was worse than Eddie Murphy's rendition of "Party All the Time," although not quite as bad as Don Johnson's self-titled debut.
* Super Bowl. Fourth Quarter. Now that was Don Johnsorrific.
* Oh yeah, Erin Andrews. That explains things.
* Hey, memory charms aren't that strong!
* Speaking of college basketball...we can all breathe a little easier now knowing that Duke will return to the NCAA Tournament. Four straight losses in late December/ early February and Coach K was about to come down with another mysterious "back injury." It got so bad he put Pete Gaudet on the speed dial.
* Yes, Coach K missed the Pro-Bowl too. Man, those freak injuries crop up at the most convenient times, don't they?
* Mike Golic Jr. gave a verbal commitment to Notre Dame. In other news that absolutely nobody cares about, Mitchell Henderson from Lafayette, Louisiana bought a new 1977 El Camino, George Newell ate a hamburger but got mad when they ignored his request and put onions on it, and little Sally Sutherland got a B+ on her geography test. She would have gotten an 'A' but she wrongly thought that Iraq had been officially named "That country in the Middle East that we have no chance of getting out of with our dignity intact."
* Best e-mail sent to the Mike & Mike show in the last couple of weeks... "Congratulations Mike Golic on your son's verbal commitment to Notre Dame. You must be extremely proud that your son is more interested in pleasing his father than he is in winning football games." Man, like Al Gore and the Internet, Teddy Padillac and the umbrella "twirl," and Homer Simpson and the toilet chair, I sure wish I could take credit for that.
* Gilbert Arenas promised Portland Head Coach Nate McMillan that he would score 50 points against the TrailBlazers when the Wizards matched up with Portland a few weeks ago. Arenas apparently holds a grudge against McMillan for the TrailBlazers' coach's role in keeping Gilbert off the national team last summer. Arenas came up just a tad short, scoring 9 points on 3-15 shooting, including 0-8 from behind the arc. That's okay, Gilbert. No need to feel bad just because you missed your mark by a 41 measly points. Lions' receiver Roy Williams watched the game and wants everyone to know how incredibly close you came to scoring 150 in the game. I mean, a couple of bounces here and there...
Oh man, like Michael Jackson and his date at the beginning of the video for Thriller, I am out of gas (I am, however, like other guys). I have a lot more to say, though, so please come back for Part II of the Return of the RT, hopefully coming to a computer screen near you early next week.
And, as always, thank you very much for your continued support of the RT.
Well, it has been an awfully long time since I last enhanced your life with my Random Sports Thoughts and Random Pop Culture Thoughts and Random Jessica Alba In Knee-High Black Leather Boots Thoughts. I know that most of you have an appreciation for why I have been absent for such an extended period of time and I thank you for your patience and hope that you will once again check the RT on a frequent basis (and by "frequent," I mean about as often as Ozzie Guillen is forced to apologize for offending the friends of John Amaechi, in other words, at least six or seven times a day). I cannot tell you how often I will post, but I hope to return on a fairly regular basis and will do my best to entertain and educate you as much as possible.
My absence from the RT resulted from two things... (1) the untimely death of RT Ring-of-Honor member and my friend, WrigleyBill; and (2) a new assignment at work that has kept me busier than Tank Johnson's team of defense lawyers. After Bill's death, I was completely uninspired and could not imagine writing a blog without knowing that a witty, thought-provoking, Brett Favre-loving comment from Bill was forthcoming. But, I am fairly certain that, as I write this, Bill is up in heaven, smiling, drinking a beer, and discussing with Harry Caray whether Cliff Floyd or Weasley should be the Cubs' everyday left-fielder, chatting with Joe Paterno about the absurdity of the BCS (what do you mean, JoePa is not dead, yet? Well, put him in the wheelbarrow anyway. Even if he is still alive and kicking, it can't be long now, can it?), and wondering when the Random Sports Thoughts will once again be open for business. Bill, I miss you... We all do.
Plus, I was hoping that being absent for as long as I have will allow me to recycle a number of already-used pop culture references. Imean, do you have any clue how hard it is to come up with yet another pop culture illness or disease to attribute to Kerry Wood? And I have instructed the Minister of Magic to erase all of your memories just in case you do remember my infamous comparison of the Cubs roster without Kerry Wood to the band Poison without the able vocal talents of Bret Michaels. And, who could possibly forget that?
Anyway, enough of this explaining... I imagine that reading all of this intro stuff is making most of you feel like Milhouse when Poochie interrupted Itchy and Scratchy's trip to the fireworks factory and, at this point, you just want me to get to the dang post already. Ask... and you shall receive.
So, without further ado... Welcome back to the Random Sports Thoughts. I'd say that the RT is "back and better than ever," but I don't get weekly pedicures and, while "thewife" may think I am an idiot, I see no reason to admit the fact or explain why to the whole world. So I will just say say that the RT is back. And, oh man, I have a LOT to say.
* Ahhh...the Super Bowl. Well, you can't say that I did not warn you. I told all of you not to believe the hype. I was adamant that it would happen. I was insistent. I begged you to listen. In fact, I pleaded. And now you all have to admit that I was right. Like it or not, you have to agree that the Random Thoughts has been dead-on since the beginning. Yes, fans of the RT, Kevin Federline has resurrected his career.
* What? You were expecting something else?
* Texans' running back Dominack Davis has announced that he has officially changed his name to Domanick Williams. After a pair of injury-plagued seasons, Williams announced that he simply wants to be a new man. An unusual move? Not really. Lew Alcindor became Kareen Abdul-Jabaar. Mark Prior became Jaime Navarro. Prince became a bizarre symbol. Greg became Johnny Bravo. And the only explanation I can come up with for the Wonder Dog's complete inability to get the job done when it matters most, is that either Craig Krenzel or Henry Burris must have made a 2003 visit to Nip/Tuck's Dr. Sean McNamara or Dr. 90210's Dr. Robert Rey and officially changed his name to Rex Grossman.
* Oh yeah, Rex. Hmmmm...who possibly could have seen that coming?
* It was WrigleyBill ROH who commented that trusting your future to Rex makes as much sense as reuiniting The Scorpions and having them play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" at the Superdome. Pure genius.
* Crap! Did I miss the NFL Pro Bowl? Oh man! I can't believe I missed it!! Someone tell me quick...how many catches did Bobby Wade have? Did J.J. Arrington run the ball well? Did Alfonso Boone have any sacks? You mean, he pulled out with an "injury" too?
* The NFL Pro Bowl is like going to see "Styx" at this summer's LisleFest. If you go expecting to see genuine stars doing what they do best, you are going to come away horribly disappointed. Oh sure, Chuck Panozzo is still humming on the bass and Crummy Gums McGowan is still tuning the guitars and having his way with the ladies that the band wants no part of, but Tommy Shaw's boss at White Castle won't let him leave work early and there's a sale on Mel Gibson autographed menorahs at Esther Epstein's Chutzpah Emporium and Dennis DeYoung is working the register.
* See... that memory charm worked didn't it?
* With Queer Eye For the Straight Guy fan Chuck Panozzo still in the band, I can guarantee that Tim Hardaway wants no part of LisleFest this year. And there goes his chance to play with Jeff Garcia at the Liberace Memorial Golf Tournament to be held this year at Crooked Stick. Not to mention his hopes of making an NBA comeback and joining J.J. Redick in the Orlando Magic backcourt, his plans to open a hair salon with Mike Piazza, and his dream of taking care of Stan's dog Sparky at Big Gay Al's farm.
* Liberace, not gay? Sure, and David Stern is going to ask Tyrus Thomas to teach a class on how to deal with the media.
* By the way, upon hearing Hardaway's comments, John Paxson immediately fined Tim $10,000 and insisted that he not wear a headband to the Indigo Girls concert that night.
* Bet you feel pretty stupid having voted for Mark Foley now, huh Tim?
* Andy Reid took a month leave of absence from the Eagles to deal with personal matters, including the felony-arrests of his sons, Garrett, who apparently has been spending a little too much time with the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, and Britt, who apparently thinks that he is the real Slim Shady. Andy, please do not waver. Be proud of your boys. After all, there is a very simple explanation for their behavior. Marvin Lewis had offered them a tryout and they were just preparing for life in Cincinnati.
* The Bears are spending the off-season looking for a host of new coaches. The Lions are spending the off-season looking for new players (not to mention a guidebook on how to keep coaches from driving naked down Eight Mile). The Cowboys are spending the off-season trying to figure out how to get T.O. to finish the job and actually succeed this time. I am sure you will agree that theses are all understandable and not particularily unusual off-season activities. The Bengals, on the other hand, are spending the off-season looking for Jackie Childs phone number and trying to coax Alonzo Spellman out of retirement and break Maurice Clarett out of the clink.
* I recommend orange unis on the road and traditional black and white stripes when playing home games at Paul Brown Stadium. Gonna be awfully tough to run routes with that ball attached to your ankle, though. By the way, Chris Henry, please be sure to say hello to Snake, Mike Tyson and the sisters for me. And, speaking of the sisters, I wouldn't drop the soap.
* Man, there certainly was a little trouble at Minxx in Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend, huh? Who knew Andy Reid's other son goes by the name Pac-Man?
* Jessica Alba. What else needs to be said?
* The University of Illinois finally retired Chief Illiniwek. Look, Bruce, Eric Gordon made his choice. Get over it.
* As long as the Illini are completely willing to get rid of things that are controversial, perhaps removing the Coors Lite Party Ball from the locker room would be a good idea. And somebody please remind Jamar Smith that Chester Frazier is not Dr. Mark Greene or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Heck, Chester Frazier is not even Dr. Nick Riveria.
* "Hi everybody!" Uh oh, Brian is not answering. I know, Chester, let's leave Brian in the car overnight and tomorrow we can take him to my Uncle Bernie's beach house, dress him in a Hawaiian shirt, get a keg, and invite Lindsay Lohan over. Yeah, that's a great idea!
* By the way, make sure you keep criticizing Kelvin Sampson for unethical recruiting practices. Don't worry, I'm sure that your next group of Illini recruits will take you back to the top of the mountain. Rumor has it that Jose Cuervo has a great jump shot, Jack Daniels is a ferocious rebounder, and Zima (hey, he's from South America. Who needs a last name at Carnival?) likes to cut back door.
* Tim Hardaway will NOT be attending any of your games next year...
* The Illini picked up a much-needed home win versus Michigan Wednesday night at the fake Assembly Hall (memory charm, people!). Can someone please tell me how Tommy Amaker still has a job? Does he have pictures of the UM Athletic Director making out with Thad Matta? Did Drew Henson give him those photos of Tom Brady dressed in drag at the Alpha Beta formal? Does he have evidence that Chris Webber and Jalen Rose took improper benefits? Wait a minute, strike that last one. Saying that Webber and Rose took improper benefits is like saying that Barry Bonds took steroids. How much evidence do you really need?
* First, the Wolverines get screwed out of the BCS Championship Game (yes, I did see the Rose Bowl as well as the ass-whooping laid on Ohio State in the Championship Game, yet am still convinced that Michigan should have played in the game under the system as it is set up) and now UM fans are forced to suffer through another basketball season of abject mediocrity. But, you know what, I am delighted that Michigan is forced to suffer. Any school that is responsible for unleashing David Terrell on the world, deserves everything they they get.
* By the way, a memo to Tommy Amaker and Notre Dame coach Mike Brey... 1992 called. They want their look back. Like other 1992 favorites, The Spin Doctors, the Home Alone franchise, and the Chicago Blackhawks making an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, the mock turtleneck/ sportcoat look is gone, likely never to return. Ever.
* Michigan's loss was Florida's gain and the Gators ended up adding a BSC championship to their 2006 NCAA basketball championship. One may wonder how a school that produced a quarterback who frightened Bears' fans with one of the most embarrasing performances in quite some time has enjoyed such a terrific run. I mean that Danny Wuerrfel country Christmas album was worse than Eddie Murphy's rendition of "Party All the Time," although not quite as bad as Don Johnson's self-titled debut.
* Super Bowl. Fourth Quarter. Now that was Don Johnsorrific.
* Oh yeah, Erin Andrews. That explains things.
* Hey, memory charms aren't that strong!
* Speaking of college basketball...we can all breathe a little easier now knowing that Duke will return to the NCAA Tournament. Four straight losses in late December/ early February and Coach K was about to come down with another mysterious "back injury." It got so bad he put Pete Gaudet on the speed dial.
* Yes, Coach K missed the Pro-Bowl too. Man, those freak injuries crop up at the most convenient times, don't they?
* Mike Golic Jr. gave a verbal commitment to Notre Dame. In other news that absolutely nobody cares about, Mitchell Henderson from Lafayette, Louisiana bought a new 1977 El Camino, George Newell ate a hamburger but got mad when they ignored his request and put onions on it, and little Sally Sutherland got a B+ on her geography test. She would have gotten an 'A' but she wrongly thought that Iraq had been officially named "That country in the Middle East that we have no chance of getting out of with our dignity intact."
* Best e-mail sent to the Mike & Mike show in the last couple of weeks... "Congratulations Mike Golic on your son's verbal commitment to Notre Dame. You must be extremely proud that your son is more interested in pleasing his father than he is in winning football games." Man, like Al Gore and the Internet, Teddy Padillac and the umbrella "twirl," and Homer Simpson and the toilet chair, I sure wish I could take credit for that.
* Gilbert Arenas promised Portland Head Coach Nate McMillan that he would score 50 points against the TrailBlazers when the Wizards matched up with Portland a few weeks ago. Arenas apparently holds a grudge against McMillan for the TrailBlazers' coach's role in keeping Gilbert off the national team last summer. Arenas came up just a tad short, scoring 9 points on 3-15 shooting, including 0-8 from behind the arc. That's okay, Gilbert. No need to feel bad just because you missed your mark by a 41 measly points. Lions' receiver Roy Williams watched the game and wants everyone to know how incredibly close you came to scoring 150 in the game. I mean, a couple of bounces here and there...
Oh man, like Michael Jackson and his date at the beginning of the video for Thriller, I am out of gas (I am, however, like other guys). I have a lot more to say, though, so please come back for Part II of the Return of the RT, hopefully coming to a computer screen near you early next week.
And, as always, thank you very much for your continued support of the RT.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
