Our House...In the Middle of Our Street...

Last night on my way home from work, I stopped at Target but, unfortunately, found nothing. I then searched the aisles at Dick’s Sporting Goods and walked away with zilch. I even went out of my way to check out Outrageous Ozzie’s Overpriced Oddities and came up empty. That said, I am happy to report that my faith in humanity and the wonderful world of advertising has been restored as it turns out that Fat Heads are too big and real to be sold in regular stores.

Now about that $119 price tag for the Yao Ming... (although both the Phoenix Gorilla and Ben Wallace in a Pistons' jersey options have recently been discounted to $39) [insert own joke here].

Anyway, I am happy to report that we have all made it. We have suffered through National Soup Month, conveniently forgetting about that regretful winter day in 1999 when Scott Servais traded in his Cubbie blue and signed as a free agent with the San Francisco Giants (Hey, who can blame him? Barry had the backing of Balco while Sammy had to rely on Snazzy Santiago’s Steroid Science Warehouse where the slogan is “Try the Dino…now with extra androgen) and fought our way past the birthdays of famous politicians Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Dan Quayle and Jerry Springer to get where we are. To get to the wonderful month of shamrock shakes, mysterious Prior and Wood shoulder injuries (and back injuries and elbow injuries and ovary injuries) and reenactments of the assassination of Julius Ceasar. March. It is time for the madness.

Yes, I know that March does not officially start until tomorrow, but I simply don’t care. Approximately, every four years, we are forced to wait an extra whole day to get to the wonderful month of buzzer beaters, bracket busting upsets, and one shining moments and this year, I am taking that extra day back. 2007 shall be an official bizarro-leap year.

First you have the start of the smaller conference tournaments (with the Big South, Horizon and Ohio Valley having gotten underway last night and host of others tipping off this evening) to be followed up by the official start of Championship Week on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN360, ESPNDeportes and ESPNallDukeallthetime. In fact, the only network in the ESPN family that does not get in on the act, is ESPNNY/BOS which, instead of broadcasting the semifinals of the Southland conference will instead show footage of A-Rod and Derek Jeter having a sunny picnic in the park, offer hair styling tips from Manny Ramirez and offer sushi cooking lessons from Diasuke Matsuzaka. Don't worry...the Kyle Farnsworth drinking hour comes on at 11:00.

And, while in the past, Championship Week began on Saturday and lasted through the following Sunday, this year it has been extended to last all the way from Thursday, March 1 through Selection Sunday. That’s eleven full days of teams scratching and clawing their way to the Big Dance. Think of Hanukkah lasting twelve days. Imagine if Christmas lasted three. Envision Festivus lasting an entire month. Nelson Muntz’s favorite crooner Andy Williams said it best… “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

So put the Festivus pole away, drop the frozen french fries in the grease and heat up the artificial "cheese" sauce. Forget the Airing of Grievances and sharpen your bracket pencils. Disregard the “Feats of Strength” and pop "Spring Break Shark Attack" into the DVD player for old times sake. March is upon us.

As most of you know, RT occasional commenter Allinonthefirsthand and I like to think that we have a unique understanding of the selection process and college basketball in general. Yes, it is true that last year, our projections were, in a word, terrible, but hey, everyone is entitled to a bad day. Wasn’t that Oscar winner Tom Hanks who was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of the Waponis in Joe Versus the Volcano, not to mention his unfortunate decision to accept the lead role in Turner and Hooch? Besides, how were we to know that the Selection Committee would spend the majority of their time in an Indianapolis hotel room throwing back shots of Cuervo with Dominic Rhodes rather than reviewing team resumes. Utah State? Air Force? There has to be some explanation, doesn't there? Anyway, let’s take a look at the teams that are contending for spots on the bracket and consider who may win the 31 automatic bids that will be handed out over the next two weeks.

For each conference, I have listed the teams that are in and will be dancing and the teams that are on the "bubble." I have then listed a couple of key questions for each conference, the answers to which may go a long way in determining the referenced team's postseason success before making my projections on what will happen. And, I warn you, some of this is serious basketball analysis.... but most of it certainly is not!

(WARNING: This is quite lengthy, but well-worth the read if I don't say so, myself. Stick with it, if you would)

So, let's go!

In alphabetical order… (BTW, OOC = Out of Conference)

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

We're Going Dancing!!!!

* North Carolina (very few blemishes on the resume; a likely #1 seed)
* Duke (Rebounded strongly from poor four-game stretch, excellent OOC; top-10 RPI)
* Virginia Tech (Great wins and head scratching defeats)
* Virginia (Struggles on road, but is 10-4 in ACC and has four top 25 RPI wins)
* Maryland (Suprisingly good resume. RPI of 14)
* Boston College (Not the greatest resume but is 10-5 in conference with enough good wins)

Bubble

* Georgia Tech (can’t win on the road, beat Memphis OOC on neutral court)
* Clemson (has lost 9 of 11 after opening the season with 17 straight wins)
* Florida State (have lost 5 of 6, although without starting PG Toney Douglas who is expected back for the ACC tourney)

Big Questions

1. Which Virginia Tech team will show up? The team that swept North Carolina and won at Duke or the team that lost at Marshall and got swept by North Carolina State? Virginia Tech is the ACC’s answer to that girl that Jerry Seinfeld dated who only looked good in certain light. On good days, they look absolutely stunning, but on other days... whoa! What happened there?

2. How good is Boston College now that center Sean Williams has been dismissed from the team and has reclaimed his spot on the Boston Police Deaprtment’s “keep an eye on” list? After the Rolling Stones booted Brian Jones out of the band (only a month before Jones was found at the bottom of a swimming pool surrounded by statues of Winnie the Pooh – true story) they kept moving forward and achieved unrivaled success. Motley Crue, on the other hand, was not so lucky as after Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee and Mick Mars parted ways with frontman Vince Neil, they were no longer identified with all-time classics, Girls, Girls, Girls and Kickstart My Heart, but instead became known primarily as the husbands of Pamela Anderson and Donna D’Errico. Boston College needs to get some satisfaction and avoid entering the theatre of pain.

3. How many favorable calls will Duke benefit from? Whether it is fouls or clock issues, the Blue Devils seem to get more favors from the officials than any other team I have seen.

Projection: Georgia Tech’s victory over Duke and neutral court OOC win over Memphis will make the difference as the Yellow Jackets join the above-listed six teams in the Dance from the ACC. Clemson will not be so lucky as the Tigers will continue to make like David Caruso's career (thanks Kyle!)

AMERICA EAST

Big Question

1. Does Vermont all-time great Taylor Coppenrath have any eligibility left? And, if so, can the Catamounts’ coaching staff convince him to take a week off from his job packing Cherry Garcia and Phish Food to rejoin the team?

Projection: With or without Coppenrath, Vermont is the class of the league.

ATLANTIC 10

Bubble

* Xavier (Profile screams bubble. Nice OOC neutral court win over Villanova, 11-3 in A-10)
* Massachusetts (Remind me why the Minutemen are on here again...)

Big Question

1. If the Musketeers make the NCAA Tournament, will they bring the Blue Blob or the Musketeer with them to their games? The Blue Blob is cute and cuddly. The Musketeer is tough an imposing. Kind of like choosing between Bob Knight on quaaludes and Bob Knight not on quaaludes .

Projection: Xavier wins the conference tournament and gets the auto bid. I actually suspect that Team X will get an at-large bid if needed, but Coach Sean Miller and his veteran squad will take care of business in the A-10 tourney.

ATLANTIC SUN

Big Question

1. Are the powers that be at Libscomb University morons? I'll go ahead and answer it for you... yes. As all good Buffalo Grove High School alums know, the is no such thing as “Bisons.” Perhaps the Lipscomb alums who move to Utah go on to cheer for the Jazzes and those who relocate to Beverly or Mt. Greenwood root for the White Soxes.

Projection: CBS’s announcers won’t have to worry about the stupidity flowing out of Nashville, Tennessee. It will be the East Tennessee State Buccaneerses who will be dancing. Oh wait, Libscomb is in Tennessee? That explains a lot.

BIG 12

Where are my dancing shoes?

* K-ns-s (The only thing missing is quantity in the signature wins category. Will be a #2)
* Texas A screw the ampersand M (Beat KU in only meeting. Excellent resume. Also likely a #2
* Texas (Resume is not as good as you would suspect with zero top-25 RPI wins and only three top-50's. Conference record of 11-3 has them in good shape though)

Bubble

* Texas Tech (Another Jekyll / Hyde team. Swept Texas AM and beat KU, but lost to Baylor. Likely to enter Selection Sunday with 12 losses)
* Kansas State (One top-50 win[1-6], in big trouble following loss last night to...)
* Oklahoma State (Got needed victory over K-State; Zero road wins and losers of 7 of 9)

Big Questions

1. Will Bob Huggins break Lloyd Daniels, Thomas Hamilton, and Richard Dumas out of jail in time to rescue the K-State Wildcats from mediocrity? Huggy Bear is not exactly known for recruiting choir boys and the Wildcats could use an influx of talent if they are going to get a bid.

2. Is it too late to save Oklahoma State's season? With the Pokes' recent slide, the fine folks of Stillwater need something exciting to raise their spirits and Rusty Mae's new steer ain't going to do the trick. Perhaps “retired” Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton will go to an OSU game straight from Buddy Jim’s Brew and Spew, take off his shirt, and attack a third-base coach, er… a courtside official to get the blood flowing again. After all, his son, Sean, is already at the game as the current coach of Okie State. If there is anything the Ligge’s taught us it is the family that charges the field/ court together… has their bond hearing together. Unfortunately, Oklahoma State's chances of making the field of 65 are about equal to the chances of that happening.

3. What in the heck should we call K-ns-s? I’ll admit that some curses are very real. After all, look what being on the cover of Madden Football ‘06 did for Shaun Alexander, who spent the majority of the season sidelined with a toe injury and generally played like James Allen when he did take the field. Others curses, however, are a tad blown out of proportion. Referring to the residents of Phog Allen Fieldhouse as The Team Who Must Not Be Named or Team Voldemort did not seem to have any effect during last year’s tournament, suggesting that, like the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Bob Dylan‘s singing talent, the RT curse is more imagined than real. How about we just call K-ns-s, “I Can’t Believe That Greg Ostertag Actually Got a Degree From There University?” Truth be told, it probably does not matter what we call KU as their combination of talent and chemistry has them primed for a big run (unless they play Rhode Island...or Bucknell... or Bradley...)

Projections: Texas Tech has been up and down this season, but the sweep over Texas A screw the ampersand M and the win over “I Can’t Believe That Greg Ostertag Got a Degree From There University” (we better make that ICBTGOGADFTU for expediency sake) is awfully difficult to ignore. The Red Raiders will get in as the fourth team out of the Big 12. It’s NIT for Kansas State, whose resume if just not good enough and for Oklahoma State, who can’t win outside the comfy confines of Gallagher-Iba Arena

BIG EAST

Just call me Ren McCormack. Now, where is Lori Singer? I'm a bad boy, you know...

* Georgetown (Blew chance at outright conference Championship with loss to 'Cuse Monday. Resume is solid. Likely 2-4 seed)
* Pittsburgh (RPI #4, 9-3 record, solid resume)
* Louisville (Recent hot streak includes wins at Pitt and at Marquette, overall resume not as good as some "experts" will have you believe)
* Notre Dame (Embarrassingly bad non-conference sked, 22-6 with neutral court win over Maryland looks good though)
* Marquette (Stock falling but won at Pitt and Louisville and against Duke on neutral court)

Bubble

*Villanova (terrific RPI of 21, road record of 7-4 and won at G-Town)
* Syracuse (Monday night win over Georgetown is fourth straight and gives the OrangeMEN a signature win)
* Providence (Help! I've fallen and cannot get up)
* West Virginia (Poor RPI of 55, only four top-100 wins, signature win over UCLA came with Collison and Mata on bench for Bruins)
* DePaul (I still love DePaul, but I have to admit this is a mercy listing)

Big Questions

1. How real is the possibility that Villanova coach Jay Wright and Louisville master Rick Pitino will not even be at MSG to coach their respective teams in the Big East Tournament? Yesterday, we talked about what would happen if Bobby Jenks, Michael Sweetney and Hector Villaneuva found themselves in the same Krispy Kreme with only a single donut available and I am certain that everyone agreed that mayhem would assume. Well, that’s nothing compared to what one can expect should the same $6,000 Armani suit catch the eye of both Coach Wright and Coach Pitino. Better call Dr. John Carter and get him back from Africa. Someone is going to need an ER doctor.

2. Is it possible that Pitt big man Aaron Gray is actually a mythical creature that has been trained to act like an American college student-athlete? Possible? There should not be any doubt in your mind! Regardless, Gray is an essential cog in the middle for the Panthers and any hopes of advancing in either the Big East or NCAA Tournament will depend on the performance of the Giant/Ogre/Troll/[insert name of gigantic mythical creature here].

3. How good is Notre Dame freshman behemouth Luke Harangody? Very good and getting better. He’s a terrific banger and underrated scorer in the post. But the Irish better be careful if they plan on relying on him in a big game. He looks an awful lot like Charlie Weis minus 35 years and we all know how much success big Charlie has had in big games on the college level.

Projections: Villanova’s overall profile is not phenomenal, but the bubble is weak this year and the Cats have done enough to get in. Syracuse will also likely squeeze in by virtue of their late-season success, giving the Big East a total of seven bids.

BIG SKY

Big Question

1. Does Weber State have anyone with no neck and really big shoulders who is willing to put his arms really close together and yell to his teammates in a semi-gravely voice “give me the ball!”? Unfortunately, the answer is "no." The Show may continue to torch opponents at the Ogden, Utah YMCA, but has no remaining eligibility. And poor TarHeel Ed Cota, who had the assignment of guarding him on that fateful day in 1999, still maintains his weekly appointments with Dr. Frasier Crane.

Projection: Weber State does have a guy named Brody Van Brocklin. That's good enough for me!

BIG SOUTH

Bubble

* Winthrop (22-4 with 12 road wins including over Old Dominion and Missouri State, but failed in marquee opportunities against Wisconsin, UNC, Maryland, and Texas AM)

Big Question

1. Will my promise made on December 5, 2006 be fulfilled? It was on that date that I stated that Winthrop will win a game in the NCAA tournament this year. Now, I am no Rasheed Wallace, but I'm sticking by my "guarantee."

Projection: Should I see a falling star, I will openly wish for Winthrop to win the Big South Tournament title so we can have the pleasure of seeing them in the Dance. A wish is a dream that your heart makes and come Selection Sunday, my heart will be aflutter...

BIG TEN

My, My, My, My Boogie Shoes. Just to Boogie With You

* Ohio State (Ho hum... Big Ten title = #1 seed)
* Wisconsin (Seven top-50 wins, and RPI of 6, the Badgers will be either a #1 or #2)
* Michigan State (Also have seven top-50 wins although road record is 1-7; beat Wisconsin)
* Indiana (OOC win over Southern Illinois looking terrific. Also beat Wisconsin, MSU, others. Another team that can't win on the road)

Bubble

* Illinois (Not much OOC to speak of, good wins all at home; caught break not havng to go to Columbus or Madison in Big Ten)
* Purdue (Another Big Ten team that is allergic to other team's home courts. Blowout wins over IU, MSU and Ill and OOC win over UVA; strange loss at Minnesota)
* Michigan (Ugh...)

Big Questions

1. Exactly how old is Greg Oden? Like El Duque Hernandez, Alfonso Soriano and Yoda, I really have no idea. But, I do know that if he tries to get a 55 cent senior citizen cup of coffee at Wendy's, there isn't a pimply-faced teen alive who is going to turn him down. Frankly, I haven't seen a guy with that many years behind him have such an impact on college sports since Thornton Melon joined the diving team at Grand Lakes University.

2. Have we found the official RT hottie #3? If only her name were Jessica... I have not made a final decision on this as of yet, but Adam Haluska's fiance Kendra Bengston is smokin.' Hanging out with her won't be a bad consolation prize for missing the tournament, which Iowa will.

3. Will Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan finally admit that Bucky Badger is his long-lost twin brother? With Brian Butch sidelined likely for the remainder of the year, Bo has bigger problems to face. I like Alando Tucker, Chris Rock Taylor and some of the Badgers' complimentary pieces, but my gut tells me that Wisco is an second or third round victim and also that I want a hot fudge sundae.

Projections: Illinois will squeeze in as possibly the last team into the field saving us all from having to hear Coach Orange Coat piss and moan about how the Illini got screwed. I guess he can remained focused on how Eric Gordon and Kelvin Sampson screwed him. Purdue? Oh crap, I don't know...

BIG WEST

Big Question

1. Does anybody care about this conference one iota? Yes, Fanny and Mitchell Stevenson of Reseda, California are die-hard Long Beach State fans and take great offense to this question.

Projection: Fanny and Mitchell will be quite pleased when the 49ers win their conference tournament and get an automatic invite to the Big Dance. They will not be so pleased, when their favorite squad gets beat down in the first round like Homer when he foolishy decided to take on Dredrick Tatum.

COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION

Bubble

* VCU (24-6; outright champs of CAA; Absolutely no heft OOC)
* Old Dominion (11 straight wins and victory over Georgetown in D.C.)
* Drexel (Ultimate road warriors [13-4] won at Syracuse, Creighton, and Villanova, finished in 4th place in conference, however)

Big Question

1. Will there be a Gunston sighting at this year's Dance? Unfortunately, no. George Mason has no shot at an at-large and does not look poised for a run in the CAA Tournament. But at least Gunston is still alive and kicking. I believe it was Bearister who originally reported that, like Daniel D-Day Lewis at Faber College before him, Gunston was being kicked out of GMU. Well, I am happy to report that, like Homer after he faked his own death by throwing a dummy down a cliff to get out of community service, Krusty when he wanted to avoid the taxman and changed his name to Rory B. Bellows, and Elvis Aron Presley, the death of Gunston has been much exaggerated.

Projection: Drexel is probably going to give the committee the most headaches should they not win the automatic bid. VCU has the outright title in their pocket and nothing else. Old Dominion has the winning streak and a signature win. I say that all three go dancing.

CONFERENCE USA

I'm A Dancing Queen, Feel the Beat From the Tambourine...

* Memphis (25-3 record; #8 RPI)

Big Question

1. How good is Memphis? It is hard to ignore their 25-3 overall record but the jury is still out on the Tigers. After all, this is a team that plays in a conference with St. Ray Charles's School for the Blind, St. Helen Keller's School for the Death, and St. Mike Tyson's School for the Criminally Insane. Memphis has only one top-50 win (Kentucky), only five top-100 wins (and two of them are over #99 Houston) and lost to Arizona, Georgia Tech and Tennessee (even without Pat Summitt adorning a cheerleader outfit and firing up the crowd).

Projection: Who could possibly knock off Memphis in the C-USA Tournment? St. Christopher Reeves' School for the Paralyzed? Not gonna happen.

HORIZON LEAGUE

Well, You Can Dance If You Want to, You Can Leave Your Friends Behind...

* Butler (24-5; OOC wins over Tenn, IU, Purdue, ND. and the little overrated school in the Northwest)

Big Question

1. Can the Horizon steal a second bid thanks to Loyola? Why, "thanks to Loyola" you ask? Well, that makes it two big questions... Anyway, Loyola's win at Butler a few weeks ago prevented the Bulldogs from winning the league outright and, thanks to the tiebreaker, Wright State now gets to play the championship game (should they make it) on their home floor. Butler lost at Wright State 77-65 last month on February 10 (remember, the RT recognizes today as March).

Projection: Danny's Little Giants pulled off the upset of upsets and beat Kevin's Little Cowboys thanks to the Icebox and Junior Floyd. If the two teams ever met again, the Cowboys would kick the living crap out of the Giants. Raise that Horizon championship banner, Butler!

IVY LEAGUE

Big Question

1. An airplane that weighs 2,300 pounds takes off with a lift static coefficient of 1.65 and heads toward Buffalo with a cross wind of 4 mph. The plane then encounters a storm that results in drag on the hydraulic system measuring 6.5 mmh. At the same time, a 57-yar old air traffic controller has a heart attack and his pulse decreases to 38 beats per minute. Given this fact pattern, how long will it take the passenger seated in seat 15A to read War and Peace while surfing the internet for naked pictures of Kendra Bengston?

Projection: It's the Ivy League and Pete Carrill is long gone. Penn will win, but does it really matter? The starting point guard will end up the boss of us all, anyway.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC

Big Question

1. Can IO-NA make a run in the conference tournament and join the NCAA party? J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison were co-winners of the Oscar Robertson Trophy for NCAA Player of the Year in 2006, but you know who should have won? How about IO-NA guard Steve Burtt. Burtt lead the Gaels in scoring at 25.2 ppg in 2005-06 and his graduation triggered a slide from a 23-7 record in '05-06 all the way down to 2-27 this season. Burtt's career is over. So is IO-NA's season. Alas.

Projection: There is a lot of parity in the MAAAAAAAAC with six teams finishing with double-digit conference wins. Rik Smits went to Marist, a fact that means nothing. So, I guess, I will go with the #4 seed Siena in a mild upset.


Oh man, it looks like it is going to have to be another multi-part extravaganza for the RT. I'll cover the remaining conferences in Part II tomorrow (which, of course, will push back Part III of the "Glorious Return of the RT," to a date when I was planning on writing Part I of the prequel to Part II of the Glorious Return which was going to be littered with references to Part III).

And I know you will all return to find out why Bradley might win the Missouri Valley...

Enjoy tonight's action!