Today, it does not matter in the least whether Rex Grossman is capable of leading the Bears to the Superbowl.
Today, it does not matter at all if the Cubs overspent for free agents.
Today, it does not matter that Indiana beat Southern Illinois.
It is with shock and sadness that I advise the RT community that Ring of Honor charter member Bill Zarling (WrigleyBill) has passed away due to complications from cystic fibrosis. I am proud to have known Bill and will always consider him a good friend.
Please say a prayer for Bill's wife Lori and his entire family.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Ever Heard of Rick Ankiel or Bob Hamelin?
In 1980, "Super" Joe Charboneau won the American League Rookie of the Year after hitting .289 with 23 home runs and 87 RBI for the Cleveland Indians. During that magical summer of 1980, fans in Cleveland were mesmerized by the considerable exploits of Super Joe both on and off the field. A well-known eccentric, Charboneau was known to open beer bottles with his eye sockets, allegedly performed his own dental work and once fixed a broken nose with a pair of pliers and a fifth of Jack Daniels. Alas, by the end of 1982, Joe was out of the major leagues, presumably sitting on a ratty couch somewhere trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while listening to Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Seven years later, Wrigley Field was buzzing. Ryne Sandberg was launching balls onto Waveland, a young Greg Maddux was just beginning to show the dominance that Skip Caray, Ted Turner and the other 18 Atlanta Braves fans would grow quite accustomed to in the 1990's, and Mitch Williams was keeping us all on the edge of our seats with his exhilarating ninth inning high-wire acts. You could still get a beer for under $8 and the ballpark had yet to become the North side's most popular beer garden.
And setting the table was rookie Jerome Walton. Walton raced his way to the Rookie of the Year with a .293 average and 24 stolen bases. Two years later, he was released by the Cubs and, although he spent some time with the Angels, Reds, Braves, Orioles, and possibly even the Burlington Drifters, Springfield Isotopes and Shelbyville Shelbyvillians, was likely asking whether you want fries with that by Y2K.
In 2003, Wrigley Field had transformed into the North side's best pick-up joint. Looking around the stands, you were more likely to see an Abercrombie & Fitch knit crew than an actual Cubs jersey. Concrete was falling, fans were refusing to interfere with Cubs outfielders whenever they ventured close to the stands to catch a foul fly-ball, and Glendon Rusch and Les Waldrond were still just a bad dream. And the Chicago Cubs were in the playoffs.
Key to the Cubs' success was a young man who was just a year removed from USC. Mark Prior. The next big thing. Chicago's answer to Nolan Ryan, Sandy Koufax and Sidd Finch. Sporting calves the size of doric columns and an unflappable demeanor, Prior was the unstoppable machine. He finished the season with an 18-6 record, a 2.43 ERA, 245 strikeouts, and nary a hang nail.
It's now 2006 and you are still more likely to see a halter top and short denim skirt than a jersey. And, the good news is hat Mark Prior is still finishing seasons with only six losses. Too bad, he can only manage to collect a single win to go along with a laundry list of injuries that includes a sore elbow, shoulder, knee, ankle, pancreas, tonsilitis, achy-breaky pelvis, conjoined twin myslexia and a burn on the roof of his mouth from his overzealousness when Walton delivered his late-night pizza.
And, you know what, Super Joe Charboneau was not the only one listening to Dexys Midnight Runners in 1982. Step aside Olivia Newton John, Joan Jett and the J Geils Band, Dexy's here and he's encouraging Eileen to come along for the ride! Hitting #1 in both the U.S. and the U.K., Come on Eileen was the single that was sure to launch Dexy to superstardom. Alas, they could never quite recapture the magic of "toora loora toora loo rye aye."
So, what is the lesson to learn here?
Devin Hester is sensational and the praise that he is currently receiving is well-deserved. But, let's take a step back and wait just a few more games before we call Bob Vila and Al Borland and start construction on the Hester wing at the Pro Football Hall-of-Fame (after all, we have had to scrap those plans for the Grossman wing, eh?). Hester has undeniably sensational skill and ability, but it is the Bears' return unit, as a whole, that deserves a little more credit than they are currently getting.
That said, I do not deny that Hester's penchance for returning kicks is absolutely mind-boggling. Some of the stats that I have recently seen are very hard to believe, including the fact that he leads the Bears in TDs this season. But, can he sustain his success, is the key question that remains unanswered.
History tells us that he likely cannot. After all, the career record for kick/ punt returns for TDs is only 13*. And, I seem to recall a certain kick/ punt returner with the same initials as Hester who set the world afire in 2003 when he scored in four consecutive games. Of course, in the three seasons since his outburst, Dante Hall has scored exactly four additonal touchdowns. Not bad for a kick returner, but to "expect" much more than that from Hester is foolish and I fear that a lot of Bears fans are beginning to do just that.
Where Hester can really make a long-term impact is on offense and I believe that Lovie and Ron Turner need to go into next season with a binder of plays designed to get him the ball (it, unfortunately, is too late to add him to the offensive mix this year -- let's be honest, Devin strikes me as the likely newest member of the Stephen Hawking Hairston- Einstein Jones Club). Yes, I know that Hester fancies himself a defensive back, but eventually you have to do what is best for the team. After all, Pam Anderson may have wanted to be a dental hygienist growing up, but eventually, even she realized that that there was a much more profitable way to make some cash and that her considerable assets should not go wasted.
And speaking of offense, I, for one, do not believe that Hester should be eligible for the offensive rookie of the year. Just my opinion and I am too lazy to go into much of an explanation (not to mention that my office holiday party begins in 10 minutes).
So, let's enjoy Hester and his talent. But, let's also remember the lesson taught by Dante Hall, Super Joe, Jerome Walton, Mark Prior, and Dexy... and take a step back and breathe. Hester is terrific, but as long as Rex is still behind center... will it matter? (I just cannot help myself!)
And to think that I did not even mention the Baha Men. I mean, after releasing "Who Let the Dog's Out" and being named the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Favorite Band of the Year in 2002, who possibly could have seen their downfall coming?
Have a great weekend!
Bears 23, Bucs 0
* Who holds the current record for returns for TD with 13?
Seven years later, Wrigley Field was buzzing. Ryne Sandberg was launching balls onto Waveland, a young Greg Maddux was just beginning to show the dominance that Skip Caray, Ted Turner and the other 18 Atlanta Braves fans would grow quite accustomed to in the 1990's, and Mitch Williams was keeping us all on the edge of our seats with his exhilarating ninth inning high-wire acts. You could still get a beer for under $8 and the ballpark had yet to become the North side's most popular beer garden.
And setting the table was rookie Jerome Walton. Walton raced his way to the Rookie of the Year with a .293 average and 24 stolen bases. Two years later, he was released by the Cubs and, although he spent some time with the Angels, Reds, Braves, Orioles, and possibly even the Burlington Drifters, Springfield Isotopes and Shelbyville Shelbyvillians, was likely asking whether you want fries with that by Y2K.
In 2003, Wrigley Field had transformed into the North side's best pick-up joint. Looking around the stands, you were more likely to see an Abercrombie & Fitch knit crew than an actual Cubs jersey. Concrete was falling, fans were refusing to interfere with Cubs outfielders whenever they ventured close to the stands to catch a foul fly-ball, and Glendon Rusch and Les Waldrond were still just a bad dream. And the Chicago Cubs were in the playoffs.
Key to the Cubs' success was a young man who was just a year removed from USC. Mark Prior. The next big thing. Chicago's answer to Nolan Ryan, Sandy Koufax and Sidd Finch. Sporting calves the size of doric columns and an unflappable demeanor, Prior was the unstoppable machine. He finished the season with an 18-6 record, a 2.43 ERA, 245 strikeouts, and nary a hang nail.
It's now 2006 and you are still more likely to see a halter top and short denim skirt than a jersey. And, the good news is hat Mark Prior is still finishing seasons with only six losses. Too bad, he can only manage to collect a single win to go along with a laundry list of injuries that includes a sore elbow, shoulder, knee, ankle, pancreas, tonsilitis, achy-breaky pelvis, conjoined twin myslexia and a burn on the roof of his mouth from his overzealousness when Walton delivered his late-night pizza.
And, you know what, Super Joe Charboneau was not the only one listening to Dexys Midnight Runners in 1982. Step aside Olivia Newton John, Joan Jett and the J Geils Band, Dexy's here and he's encouraging Eileen to come along for the ride! Hitting #1 in both the U.S. and the U.K., Come on Eileen was the single that was sure to launch Dexy to superstardom. Alas, they could never quite recapture the magic of "toora loora toora loo rye aye."
So, what is the lesson to learn here?
Devin Hester is sensational and the praise that he is currently receiving is well-deserved. But, let's take a step back and wait just a few more games before we call Bob Vila and Al Borland and start construction on the Hester wing at the Pro Football Hall-of-Fame (after all, we have had to scrap those plans for the Grossman wing, eh?). Hester has undeniably sensational skill and ability, but it is the Bears' return unit, as a whole, that deserves a little more credit than they are currently getting.
That said, I do not deny that Hester's penchance for returning kicks is absolutely mind-boggling. Some of the stats that I have recently seen are very hard to believe, including the fact that he leads the Bears in TDs this season. But, can he sustain his success, is the key question that remains unanswered.
History tells us that he likely cannot. After all, the career record for kick/ punt returns for TDs is only 13*. And, I seem to recall a certain kick/ punt returner with the same initials as Hester who set the world afire in 2003 when he scored in four consecutive games. Of course, in the three seasons since his outburst, Dante Hall has scored exactly four additonal touchdowns. Not bad for a kick returner, but to "expect" much more than that from Hester is foolish and I fear that a lot of Bears fans are beginning to do just that.
Where Hester can really make a long-term impact is on offense and I believe that Lovie and Ron Turner need to go into next season with a binder of plays designed to get him the ball (it, unfortunately, is too late to add him to the offensive mix this year -- let's be honest, Devin strikes me as the likely newest member of the Stephen Hawking Hairston- Einstein Jones Club). Yes, I know that Hester fancies himself a defensive back, but eventually you have to do what is best for the team. After all, Pam Anderson may have wanted to be a dental hygienist growing up, but eventually, even she realized that that there was a much more profitable way to make some cash and that her considerable assets should not go wasted.
And speaking of offense, I, for one, do not believe that Hester should be eligible for the offensive rookie of the year. Just my opinion and I am too lazy to go into much of an explanation (not to mention that my office holiday party begins in 10 minutes).
So, let's enjoy Hester and his talent. But, let's also remember the lesson taught by Dante Hall, Super Joe, Jerome Walton, Mark Prior, and Dexy... and take a step back and breathe. Hester is terrific, but as long as Rex is still behind center... will it matter? (I just cannot help myself!)
And to think that I did not even mention the Baha Men. I mean, after releasing "Who Let the Dog's Out" and being named the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Favorite Band of the Year in 2002, who possibly could have seen their downfall coming?
Have a great weekend!
Bears 23, Bucs 0
* Who holds the current record for returns for TD with 13?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I Think I Owe Someone An Apology...
I trust that over the past twelve months, I have proven to the dedicated and loyal readers of the Random Thoughts, the not-so-loyal and dedicated readers of the RT, and even those of you who just stumbled upon this site while looking for "dansrandompornthoughts.com," that I know a fair amount about baseball, basketball, football, Foosball, Jarts and all the other games that people play. Oh sure, there have been those times that you have undoubtedly thought that I was crazier than the guy who decided that moviegoers have an insatiable demand for more Tim Allen and that the "Santa Claus" franchise just wouldn't be complete without a third offering, for suggesting that Shawne Merriman is he best defensive player in football or for panning Ron Artest's rap music career without even giving it a chance, but, overall, I think my track record has been pretty good. After all, if not for the Random Thoughts, I doubt that many of you would realize that Jay Bell was statistically a much-better player than the universally overrated Ozzie Smith, that "Drill" McGill defeated "Fast Twitch" Twitchel to win the 2006 USA Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship, or that Jimmy Chitwood, the greatest schoolboy shooter of all-time, actually only says 32 words** during the entire three months that make up Hickory High's 1954 season.
And that is why it is not easy for me to admit when I am wrong. Pretty much ever since the inception of the RT (and actually for a year or so before that), I have consistently and ruthlessly been critical of one player in particular. I have questioned his talent, his intelligence, and his decision-making. I have noted that his team would almost undoubtedly be better off without him. I levied direct criticism and I've tried subtlety. I've used humor, sarcasm, and wit. And always with one goal...to remind the world that some guys just are not as good as the fans want them to be and not as talented as the media touts them.
And then I watched Monday night's game. I watched a young man look adversity in the face and respond by heroically rising to the occasion. And so, after watching our young hero grow up right before our very eyes, I have to apologize. Yes Reginald Dwight, sorry does seem to be the hardest word, but I've got to take a lesson from Steroid Sammy after he "mistakenly" used his batting practice bat during an actual game. I have to follow the lead of Kobe Bryant (no, thewife is not getting a 72-karat diamond ring) and handle the situation in the same manner as Hugh Grant after getting caught with just about the ugliest prostitute that anyone has ever seen. And, yes, I am going to be sincere. In other words, I am not going to issue a hollow apology like the recovering-alcoholic who, thanks to his 12-step program, was forced to apologize for "insulting" George, even though he he was in no way sorry for not wanting George to squeeze his huge head through the neck hole of his favorite sweater.
So, I write today with my proverbial tail between my legs. As I truly am sorry.
I mean 2-5 shooting from the field ain't bad, especially for a guy who entered the game shooting 20% from the field for the season. And the three assists were an added bonus. Not to mention how smoothly he tossed Carlos Boozer a towel during one time out and how quickly he recognized that Mehmet Okur wanted a cup of Gatorade during another. And, to think, I figured that he would either be launching off-balance three-pointers for the Albany Patroons or flying out-of-control through the lane and turning the ball over for the Sundsvall Dragons of the Swedish Elite League.
So...Dee Brown... I apologize.
Oh man, does it feel great to be back!!!!
Wait a minute, you thought I was talking about Rex the Wonder Dog?!? Ho ho, hee hee. Man, I haven't laughed this yard since Phillip called Terrence an Unclef*cker and thewife and I quickly realized that the South Park movie was not rated PG.
Look, Rex certainly was not bad Monday night. Just as Lisa was a grade-A moron for suggesting that it is wrong to eat meat, I would have to be a grade-A moron to suggest that Rex was bad. But, as a Bears fan, I am certainly not "letting out a sigh of relief" and booking a flight to Miami as has been suggested by the majority of the national and local media. I mean, I don't think that anyone thought that they were actually watching Joe Montana or Drew Brees last night when watching Wonder Dog. Yes, he managed the game effectively. Yes, his decision-making was better. And, yes, thanks to delicious mixture of luck and skill, he managed to play mistake-free football. That said, I still do not think that the Bears can win three straight games against good teams with him under center.
What confuses me is the most is why, in the minds of many, one "decent" game trumps six weeks of atrocious football. Please remember that even young Ryan O'Malley pitched eight innings of shutout ball in his first start for the Cubs last August. And, I doubt that any of us want O'Malley taking the hill in Game 1 of the 2007 World Series (Hey, I'm figuring that every other team in the National League is going to come down with a collective case of Avian flu and be forced to cancel their season). This, after all, is a guy who is more likely to pitch Encyclopedia Brittanicas door-to-door next year than he is to pitch at a major league ballpark near you.
So, let's break down Wonder Dog's game. First and foremost, he threw a terrific fade pass to Muhammed for a touchdown. I am not going to deny that. Heck, I may hate Roger Clemens with a passion, but even I have to admit that few pitchers in the history of baseball throw at a guys head with more intensity than him and nobody has been able to sweep a steroid allegation under the rug with more effectiveness than the Rocket (didn't I once see a blurb that he was specifically mentioned in the Jason Grimsley affidavit? I mean, talk about a story that the media simply dropped. Where's the pathetic excuse that the media immediately believes? I guess, everyone is too busy helping Tony Romo write his Hall of Fame induction speech to care).
Second, as I mentioned earlier, he did a decent job managing the offense and did not make the crucial mistake that put the defense in an undesireable position. Kudos to Rex for his management of the game. Quaker cereal bars to Ron Turner for instituting a game plan that Rex could manage. (And, as long as we are handing out desserts... hot fudge sundaes to Devin Hester).
But, let's be honest... Rex was the beneficiary of almost as much luck as Charlie Bucket when he found a coin in the sewer and instead of taking it home to his poverty-sticken family, used it to buy a Scrum-Diddly-Umptious Bar. Example A is the "incomplete pass" in the last two minutes of the first half. I don't really know whether the referee made a good call on the play, but I do know that Rex was not trying to throw the ball when it was knocked out of his hand. Wonder Dog was certainly blind sided on the play, but seeing Rex put the ball on the turf, for whatever reason, is a sight that Bears' fans are getting much too-used to. Rex was LUCKY that the Rams' pass rusher knocked his arm forward as he was about to slam him to the turf.
Rex was also LUCKY on the touchdown pass to Berrian. The ball was delivered with zip and was right on target, but the Bears should be thanking their lucky stars that Walt Harris has taken apparently over as the Rams' cornerback. Whoever that guy was, I have no idea where he was going when he ran upfield as Berrian was running an inside slant. Had the guy just stayed with his man, he at least would have had a shot at tackling Berrian before he sprinted 20 yards into the endzone.
And, most importantly, the Bears were LUCKY that they were playing the East St. Louis High School Junior Varsity team. Even Scott Linehan would agree that scoring on the Rams' defense is like beating Stevie Wonder at a game of I-Spy. It just doesn't require much effort. Perhaps, they ought to consider bringing back Merlin Olsen after all.
The bottom line is that Rex did play well enough to win and as RT Ring of Honor member Bearister has keenly pointed out, with a defense and special teams that are terrific, that is all that is needed. But, I am not convinced that the Wonder Dog will not put up another 8-21 performance with four interceptions in a game when Devin Hester won't run through the opponents' coverage unit like O.J. Simpson running through the airport trying to get to his getaway, er... his rental car. I'm sorry, and I hope that I am wrong about this, but I just cannot see the Bears winning a Super Bowl without a quarterback that they can fully trust behind center.
But, hey, at least Jerry Sloan lets Dee wear his headband.
Quick Hits...
* Obviously I am of the opinion that, to win the ultimate prize, Rex needs to be benched. Now, please do not misconstrue my belief that Wonder Dog should be replaced with a call for Brian Griese to take over. I'd be lying if I said that I was convinced that he could do the job. And, come to think if it, you may want to forget Rex Chapman and the Reagan's dog too. Go with Rex Banner. The one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters.***
* I wasn't overly impressed with the defense Monday night. For the lion's share of the game, the Rams seemed to move the ball fairly effectively. And the lack of consistent pressure on the QB is alarming, especially since the team's three sacks did not occur until the Bears were certain that St. Louis was going to throw every down and were able to pin their ears back. I think the defense will be alright, even without Harris, but there definitely is work that needs to be done.
* Jessica Alba is unbeliveably hot. But I doubt that she is a very good accordian player. Why do I mention this? Because sometimes, even those people who are tremendously talented are not going to be good at everything. And Jessica probably could have covered Torry Holt on the Rams' first TD about as effectively as Devin Hester did. Hester on the corner makes that dude who blew the Berrian play look like an All-Pro.
* Jessica Alba. Navel ring. Knee-high, black leather boots. Man, it is good to be back!!!
* I understand that Rex's arm was going "forward" on the LUCKY play toward the end of the first half, but RT sometimes commenter "all in on the first hand" wants to know why it was not ruled a backwards lateral given that the ball landed one-half yard behind where it was released. And I have to admit that I do not know the answer. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
* The person that I really owe an apology to is Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson. The first half of the season he looked a little like Cedric Salaam-Enis-Benson and belonged on the field about as much as Wilma belonged at a meeting of the Royal Order of the Water Buffalo. The last couple of games, however, Ced Say-Pay-Ben has been running with tremendous power and is beginning to show the talent that made him the #4 overall selection two years ago. The RT has traditionally not been a fan of his, but now must admit that he deserves more of a chance to play.
* Any have Carlos Huerta's phone number handy? How about Michael Husted's? Carlos Husted? Michael Huerta? Any chance Kevin Butler can still kick? I am certainly not giving up on Robbie Gould after just one week, but kickers can go south faster than a group of New Jersey fraternity brothers on spring break. Just ask Mike Vanderjagt. And keep Gould away from the Goldschlager.
* Finally, you gotta love referee Jeff Triplette and that thick South Carolina drawl****. Any chance that guy shows up at the game in a rusted pick-up truck with a Toby Keith cassette in the player and a stars and bars decal in the back window? I swear that every time he called a penalty Monday night I expected him to say "Holding #58 on the offense. That's a ten yard penalty. It's still second down and we are 10-2 with Rex as our quarterback." You know, there is a reason that the North won.
Have a great day!
Lots of Trivia Today!!!
***What are the 32 words said by Jimmy Chitwood?
****Upon arriving in Springfield, Rex Banner discovered that the town had a prohibition law. He also discovered another law that affected the town's bird population. What was the law?
****Jeff Triplette is probably best known for calling a holding penalty on a Cleveland Browns offensive lineman in a 1999 game. Who was that player? (And since, yes, that is a relatively easy question) For what team did that player suit up upon his return to the NFL?
*****I realize that I never gave the answer to Monday's question. Pfarro was correct that Ruth and Gehrig hit more HR in a three year period than Papi and Manny. The other duo? Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr. with the Mariners.
And that is why it is not easy for me to admit when I am wrong. Pretty much ever since the inception of the RT (and actually for a year or so before that), I have consistently and ruthlessly been critical of one player in particular. I have questioned his talent, his intelligence, and his decision-making. I have noted that his team would almost undoubtedly be better off without him. I levied direct criticism and I've tried subtlety. I've used humor, sarcasm, and wit. And always with one goal...to remind the world that some guys just are not as good as the fans want them to be and not as talented as the media touts them.
And then I watched Monday night's game. I watched a young man look adversity in the face and respond by heroically rising to the occasion. And so, after watching our young hero grow up right before our very eyes, I have to apologize. Yes Reginald Dwight, sorry does seem to be the hardest word, but I've got to take a lesson from Steroid Sammy after he "mistakenly" used his batting practice bat during an actual game. I have to follow the lead of Kobe Bryant (no, thewife is not getting a 72-karat diamond ring) and handle the situation in the same manner as Hugh Grant after getting caught with just about the ugliest prostitute that anyone has ever seen. And, yes, I am going to be sincere. In other words, I am not going to issue a hollow apology like the recovering-alcoholic who, thanks to his 12-step program, was forced to apologize for "insulting" George, even though he he was in no way sorry for not wanting George to squeeze his huge head through the neck hole of his favorite sweater.
So, I write today with my proverbial tail between my legs. As I truly am sorry.
I mean 2-5 shooting from the field ain't bad, especially for a guy who entered the game shooting 20% from the field for the season. And the three assists were an added bonus. Not to mention how smoothly he tossed Carlos Boozer a towel during one time out and how quickly he recognized that Mehmet Okur wanted a cup of Gatorade during another. And, to think, I figured that he would either be launching off-balance three-pointers for the Albany Patroons or flying out-of-control through the lane and turning the ball over for the Sundsvall Dragons of the Swedish Elite League.
So...Dee Brown... I apologize.
Oh man, does it feel great to be back!!!!
Wait a minute, you thought I was talking about Rex the Wonder Dog?!? Ho ho, hee hee. Man, I haven't laughed this yard since Phillip called Terrence an Unclef*cker and thewife and I quickly realized that the South Park movie was not rated PG.
Look, Rex certainly was not bad Monday night. Just as Lisa was a grade-A moron for suggesting that it is wrong to eat meat, I would have to be a grade-A moron to suggest that Rex was bad. But, as a Bears fan, I am certainly not "letting out a sigh of relief" and booking a flight to Miami as has been suggested by the majority of the national and local media. I mean, I don't think that anyone thought that they were actually watching Joe Montana or Drew Brees last night when watching Wonder Dog. Yes, he managed the game effectively. Yes, his decision-making was better. And, yes, thanks to delicious mixture of luck and skill, he managed to play mistake-free football. That said, I still do not think that the Bears can win three straight games against good teams with him under center.
What confuses me is the most is why, in the minds of many, one "decent" game trumps six weeks of atrocious football. Please remember that even young Ryan O'Malley pitched eight innings of shutout ball in his first start for the Cubs last August. And, I doubt that any of us want O'Malley taking the hill in Game 1 of the 2007 World Series (Hey, I'm figuring that every other team in the National League is going to come down with a collective case of Avian flu and be forced to cancel their season). This, after all, is a guy who is more likely to pitch Encyclopedia Brittanicas door-to-door next year than he is to pitch at a major league ballpark near you.
So, let's break down Wonder Dog's game. First and foremost, he threw a terrific fade pass to Muhammed for a touchdown. I am not going to deny that. Heck, I may hate Roger Clemens with a passion, but even I have to admit that few pitchers in the history of baseball throw at a guys head with more intensity than him and nobody has been able to sweep a steroid allegation under the rug with more effectiveness than the Rocket (didn't I once see a blurb that he was specifically mentioned in the Jason Grimsley affidavit? I mean, talk about a story that the media simply dropped. Where's the pathetic excuse that the media immediately believes? I guess, everyone is too busy helping Tony Romo write his Hall of Fame induction speech to care).
Second, as I mentioned earlier, he did a decent job managing the offense and did not make the crucial mistake that put the defense in an undesireable position. Kudos to Rex for his management of the game. Quaker cereal bars to Ron Turner for instituting a game plan that Rex could manage. (And, as long as we are handing out desserts... hot fudge sundaes to Devin Hester).
But, let's be honest... Rex was the beneficiary of almost as much luck as Charlie Bucket when he found a coin in the sewer and instead of taking it home to his poverty-sticken family, used it to buy a Scrum-Diddly-Umptious Bar. Example A is the "incomplete pass" in the last two minutes of the first half. I don't really know whether the referee made a good call on the play, but I do know that Rex was not trying to throw the ball when it was knocked out of his hand. Wonder Dog was certainly blind sided on the play, but seeing Rex put the ball on the turf, for whatever reason, is a sight that Bears' fans are getting much too-used to. Rex was LUCKY that the Rams' pass rusher knocked his arm forward as he was about to slam him to the turf.
Rex was also LUCKY on the touchdown pass to Berrian. The ball was delivered with zip and was right on target, but the Bears should be thanking their lucky stars that Walt Harris has taken apparently over as the Rams' cornerback. Whoever that guy was, I have no idea where he was going when he ran upfield as Berrian was running an inside slant. Had the guy just stayed with his man, he at least would have had a shot at tackling Berrian before he sprinted 20 yards into the endzone.
And, most importantly, the Bears were LUCKY that they were playing the East St. Louis High School Junior Varsity team. Even Scott Linehan would agree that scoring on the Rams' defense is like beating Stevie Wonder at a game of I-Spy. It just doesn't require much effort. Perhaps, they ought to consider bringing back Merlin Olsen after all.
The bottom line is that Rex did play well enough to win and as RT Ring of Honor member Bearister has keenly pointed out, with a defense and special teams that are terrific, that is all that is needed. But, I am not convinced that the Wonder Dog will not put up another 8-21 performance with four interceptions in a game when Devin Hester won't run through the opponents' coverage unit like O.J. Simpson running through the airport trying to get to his getaway, er... his rental car. I'm sorry, and I hope that I am wrong about this, but I just cannot see the Bears winning a Super Bowl without a quarterback that they can fully trust behind center.
But, hey, at least Jerry Sloan lets Dee wear his headband.
Quick Hits...
* Obviously I am of the opinion that, to win the ultimate prize, Rex needs to be benched. Now, please do not misconstrue my belief that Wonder Dog should be replaced with a call for Brian Griese to take over. I'd be lying if I said that I was convinced that he could do the job. And, come to think if it, you may want to forget Rex Chapman and the Reagan's dog too. Go with Rex Banner. The one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters.***
* I wasn't overly impressed with the defense Monday night. For the lion's share of the game, the Rams seemed to move the ball fairly effectively. And the lack of consistent pressure on the QB is alarming, especially since the team's three sacks did not occur until the Bears were certain that St. Louis was going to throw every down and were able to pin their ears back. I think the defense will be alright, even without Harris, but there definitely is work that needs to be done.
* Jessica Alba is unbeliveably hot. But I doubt that she is a very good accordian player. Why do I mention this? Because sometimes, even those people who are tremendously talented are not going to be good at everything. And Jessica probably could have covered Torry Holt on the Rams' first TD about as effectively as Devin Hester did. Hester on the corner makes that dude who blew the Berrian play look like an All-Pro.
* Jessica Alba. Navel ring. Knee-high, black leather boots. Man, it is good to be back!!!
* I understand that Rex's arm was going "forward" on the LUCKY play toward the end of the first half, but RT sometimes commenter "all in on the first hand" wants to know why it was not ruled a backwards lateral given that the ball landed one-half yard behind where it was released. And I have to admit that I do not know the answer. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
* The person that I really owe an apology to is Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson. The first half of the season he looked a little like Cedric Salaam-Enis-Benson and belonged on the field about as much as Wilma belonged at a meeting of the Royal Order of the Water Buffalo. The last couple of games, however, Ced Say-Pay-Ben has been running with tremendous power and is beginning to show the talent that made him the #4 overall selection two years ago. The RT has traditionally not been a fan of his, but now must admit that he deserves more of a chance to play.
* Any have Carlos Huerta's phone number handy? How about Michael Husted's? Carlos Husted? Michael Huerta? Any chance Kevin Butler can still kick? I am certainly not giving up on Robbie Gould after just one week, but kickers can go south faster than a group of New Jersey fraternity brothers on spring break. Just ask Mike Vanderjagt. And keep Gould away from the Goldschlager.
* Finally, you gotta love referee Jeff Triplette and that thick South Carolina drawl****. Any chance that guy shows up at the game in a rusted pick-up truck with a Toby Keith cassette in the player and a stars and bars decal in the back window? I swear that every time he called a penalty Monday night I expected him to say "Holding #58 on the offense. That's a ten yard penalty. It's still second down and we are 10-2 with Rex as our quarterback." You know, there is a reason that the North won.
Have a great day!
Lots of Trivia Today!!!
***What are the 32 words said by Jimmy Chitwood?
****Upon arriving in Springfield, Rex Banner discovered that the town had a prohibition law. He also discovered another law that affected the town's bird population. What was the law?
****Jeff Triplette is probably best known for calling a holding penalty on a Cleveland Browns offensive lineman in a 1999 game. Who was that player? (And since, yes, that is a relatively easy question) For what team did that player suit up upon his return to the NFL?
*****I realize that I never gave the answer to Monday's question. Pfarro was correct that Ruth and Gehrig hit more HR in a three year period than Papi and Manny. The other duo? Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr. with the Mariners.
Monday, December 11, 2006
St. Louis 63101
As I sit here awaiting tonight's Bears-Rams game on ESPN Presents ESPN's Monday Night Football on ESPN (Sponsored by ESPN), I cannot help but feel a little uneasy. Why, you ask? Well, for starters let me assure you that I'm fairly certain that my trepidation is not the result of my having sat here all day wondering what exactly Tori Spelling was selling at her "Everything Must Go Estate Sale" (technically titled the "Tori Spelling Dazzling Studio City Estate Sale," although I suspect that if there was enough money to be made, the suits at the leader in sports programming would have retitled it "ESPN's Come On By Tori's House and Buy Clippings From Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh's Sideburns, Shannen Doherty's 'Angry Young Actresses' Membership Card, and, Of Course, a 'Donna Graduates' T-Shirt' on ESPN (Sponsored By ESPN)" show, although I was a little freaked out when I heard that one fan walked away with a $20 domanatrix leather whip.
So David Silver likes it a little rough, eh?
No. Truth be told, I am awfully nervous about tonight's Bears game. I certainly do not doubt that the Bears are a better team, yet, I cannot help but get the feeling that the Rams are going to surprise a few people tonight. This is a (warning...sports cliche' ahead) classic "trap game" and I fear that when we wake up tomorrow morning, the Bears' record will sit at 10-3. Why? Let's take a look...
1. Rex the Wonder Dog is still the Bears' quarterback. I personally don't think that any further explanation is necessary, but, for those of you who are new to the RT and, therefore, have not had the pleasure of listening to me warn everyone for the last 15 months that the Bears may be better off with Rex Chapman, Rex Banner, or the Reagan's family dog behind center than Grossman... well, let's just say that Vegas is now taking the following proposition bets:
- What will be higher? Grossman interceptions or the number of times Tony Romo is mentioned and promoted for the Hall of Fame during the first thirty seconds of the broadcast?
- What will be higher? Number of times Grossman hits an offensive lineman in the back of the head with a pass or number of times Tony Kornheiser bitch-slaps Joe Thiesmann in the booth during the game?
- What will be higher? Grossman's quarterback rating or his blood alcohol level after the game.
Just for the record, last Sunday, reports indicate that Rex's BAC outpaced his QB rating 1.75 to 1.3 and now he gets to spend the night of the land of Budweiser. Uh oh. Better warn the Clydesdales.
2. Tommie Harris will no longer be commanding a double-team. That's on the field. What he does after the game is his own business.
The truth is that Harris' absence is likely to have a ripple effect on the entire defense and while I am fairly certain that Chico Rivera and the defense will eventually figure out a scheme that works, there is likely to be an adjustment period. Harris' absence means that the Rams' offensive line can focus more on Alex Brown and Adewale on the ends and the linebacking corps will not be as free to roam the middle of the field. You can't just take a key member out of the lineup and expect there not to be a dropoff. I mean, even Beverly Hills 90210 struggled a little after Brenda left for London and the show did not really regain its footing until Kelly Kopowski joined the cast after realizing that her only other option was to go the Jessie Spano route and dance at the Cheetah Club.
3. Where is the team's focus? Look, I do not pretend to be a Bears' Insider (I won't pay the fee even if the team will send me exclusive pictures of Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones having a "friendly" lockerroom chat, or an authentic Soldier Field turnstile autographed by Fred Miller just for signing up) and so I cannot definitively say that the team's focus is not completely on the game, but how can it be? For the past week the team has been inundated with questions about Rex and whether Brian Griese is a better option, how the team will respond without Tommie, whether the team needs to consider asking Shaun Gayle and Mike Richardson to come out of retirement now that the secondary is so thin, and why in the world Andrea Zuckerman actually thought she has a shot at landing Brandon. Football requires tunnel-vison-like focus and I am concerned that the Bears are not ready.
And if I see Paris Hilton anywhere near the Edward Jones Dome, I'm betting everything I have on the Rams.
By the way, anyone wonder who the "let's annoy the heck out of the people who are actually paying attention to the game by asking [insert name of random booth-guest HERE] inane and pointless questions about what he/she thinks of Tony Romo's performance this year" guest will be tonight? I mean, it's St. Louis. Tony LaRussa? The ghost of Mark Twain? Martin St. Louis?
4. The Rams ought to play with a sense of desperation. The Rams have not been a particularily good football team this year, yet, thanks to the incredible mediocrity in the NFC, they are still in the hunt for a playoff berth. And with players like Steven Jackson, Torry Holt, Marc Bulger and Merlin Olsen (just want to see if you are paying attention), nobody can doubt that the team does have talent. Anyone remember the Charlestown Chiefs? If there is anything that Paul Newman has taught us, besides the fact that it is possible to make a really tasty low-fat sesame ginger salad dressing, it is that desperate teams with talent can be awfully dangerous.
So, will the Bears lose? Look, I do not pretend to be one of those guys who has magically acquired last-second all-important information that makes my pick in tonight's game the "lock of the year." And I do not advertise my football-game picking acumen during both the "Let's Listen to Dab McNeil Criticize Everything the Cubs Do, While Jurko Tries to Pretend That He Was Actually a Decent NFL Player, Instead of Croatia's Answer to Paul Grasmanis, and Harry Tries to Convince Everyone Both That Devon Hester Deserves a Statue in Grant Park and That White People Name Their Sons Reggie" show and the 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour Featuring Boers and Bernstein, so I will not go Rasheed Wallace on you and make a guarantee. But let me remind you that the red flags are there
Ultimately, I am a Bears fan and so I will go with the Monsters of the Midway to win 20-17. But, let's remember the famous words of Smooth Jimmy Apollo who reminded fans that when you are right 52% of the time, you are also wrong 48% of the time.
Gotta go. I hear Tori just put Steve Sanders' leftover steroids on e-bay and I've gotta beat Barry and Sammy to the punch...
Go Bears!
So David Silver likes it a little rough, eh?
No. Truth be told, I am awfully nervous about tonight's Bears game. I certainly do not doubt that the Bears are a better team, yet, I cannot help but get the feeling that the Rams are going to surprise a few people tonight. This is a (warning...sports cliche' ahead) classic "trap game" and I fear that when we wake up tomorrow morning, the Bears' record will sit at 10-3. Why? Let's take a look...
1. Rex the Wonder Dog is still the Bears' quarterback. I personally don't think that any further explanation is necessary, but, for those of you who are new to the RT and, therefore, have not had the pleasure of listening to me warn everyone for the last 15 months that the Bears may be better off with Rex Chapman, Rex Banner, or the Reagan's family dog behind center than Grossman... well, let's just say that Vegas is now taking the following proposition bets:
- What will be higher? Grossman interceptions or the number of times Tony Romo is mentioned and promoted for the Hall of Fame during the first thirty seconds of the broadcast?
- What will be higher? Number of times Grossman hits an offensive lineman in the back of the head with a pass or number of times Tony Kornheiser bitch-slaps Joe Thiesmann in the booth during the game?
- What will be higher? Grossman's quarterback rating or his blood alcohol level after the game.
Just for the record, last Sunday, reports indicate that Rex's BAC outpaced his QB rating 1.75 to 1.3 and now he gets to spend the night of the land of Budweiser. Uh oh. Better warn the Clydesdales.
2. Tommie Harris will no longer be commanding a double-team. That's on the field. What he does after the game is his own business.
The truth is that Harris' absence is likely to have a ripple effect on the entire defense and while I am fairly certain that Chico Rivera and the defense will eventually figure out a scheme that works, there is likely to be an adjustment period. Harris' absence means that the Rams' offensive line can focus more on Alex Brown and Adewale on the ends and the linebacking corps will not be as free to roam the middle of the field. You can't just take a key member out of the lineup and expect there not to be a dropoff. I mean, even Beverly Hills 90210 struggled a little after Brenda left for London and the show did not really regain its footing until Kelly Kopowski joined the cast after realizing that her only other option was to go the Jessie Spano route and dance at the Cheetah Club.
3. Where is the team's focus? Look, I do not pretend to be a Bears' Insider (I won't pay the fee even if the team will send me exclusive pictures of Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones having a "friendly" lockerroom chat, or an authentic Soldier Field turnstile autographed by Fred Miller just for signing up) and so I cannot definitively say that the team's focus is not completely on the game, but how can it be? For the past week the team has been inundated with questions about Rex and whether Brian Griese is a better option, how the team will respond without Tommie, whether the team needs to consider asking Shaun Gayle and Mike Richardson to come out of retirement now that the secondary is so thin, and why in the world Andrea Zuckerman actually thought she has a shot at landing Brandon. Football requires tunnel-vison-like focus and I am concerned that the Bears are not ready.
And if I see Paris Hilton anywhere near the Edward Jones Dome, I'm betting everything I have on the Rams.
By the way, anyone wonder who the "let's annoy the heck out of the people who are actually paying attention to the game by asking [insert name of random booth-guest HERE] inane and pointless questions about what he/she thinks of Tony Romo's performance this year" guest will be tonight? I mean, it's St. Louis. Tony LaRussa? The ghost of Mark Twain? Martin St. Louis?
4. The Rams ought to play with a sense of desperation. The Rams have not been a particularily good football team this year, yet, thanks to the incredible mediocrity in the NFC, they are still in the hunt for a playoff berth. And with players like Steven Jackson, Torry Holt, Marc Bulger and Merlin Olsen (just want to see if you are paying attention), nobody can doubt that the team does have talent. Anyone remember the Charlestown Chiefs? If there is anything that Paul Newman has taught us, besides the fact that it is possible to make a really tasty low-fat sesame ginger salad dressing, it is that desperate teams with talent can be awfully dangerous.
So, will the Bears lose? Look, I do not pretend to be one of those guys who has magically acquired last-second all-important information that makes my pick in tonight's game the "lock of the year." And I do not advertise my football-game picking acumen during both the "Let's Listen to Dab McNeil Criticize Everything the Cubs Do, While Jurko Tries to Pretend That He Was Actually a Decent NFL Player, Instead of Croatia's Answer to Paul Grasmanis, and Harry Tries to Convince Everyone Both That Devon Hester Deserves a Statue in Grant Park and That White People Name Their Sons Reggie" show and the 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour Featuring Boers and Bernstein, so I will not go Rasheed Wallace on you and make a guarantee. But let me remind you that the red flags are there
Ultimately, I am a Bears fan and so I will go with the Monsters of the Midway to win 20-17. But, let's remember the famous words of Smooth Jimmy Apollo who reminded fans that when you are right 52% of the time, you are also wrong 48% of the time.
Gotta go. I hear Tori just put Steve Sanders' leftover steroids on e-bay and I've gotta beat Barry and Sammy to the punch...
Go Bears!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
They Have Taken Every Thing!
I have some unfortunate news...
I am very sad today.
No, I am not sad because the Cubs spent $10 million per year on a pitcher with a career ERA of 4.60 who once verbally challenged his manager's decision to take him out of a game and then bloodied the manager's nose in the tunnel leading from the dugout to the clubhouse (try that with Lou Pinella and you very well may end up looking like Worm after having been caught base dealing in a room full of New York state troopers), although, yes, I agree that spending that much money on a journeyman pitcher is akin to spending $500 for Luis Gonzalez's discarded gum or spending more than $5 for a potato chip that looks frightenly like David Ortiz***.
No, I am not sad because the Sox have traded Freddy Garcia to the Phillies and now my investment in "Chicago Sweat Rags Inc." stock is essentially worthless and, now that Freddy has taken his dime-bag, Ziggy Marley albums, and Ricky Williams fan club membership to Citizen's Bank Park, I may have to dig up the phone number of Jeff Spicoli or Slater (that's Ron...not A.C.) if I ever want to really understand what in the heck Roger Waters was talking about on when he said that he was waiting for the worms to come.
No, I am not sad that we are only 18 days from Christmas and I have yet to see that commercial where Mr. Harrison tries to save his family money by wishing family and friends happy holidays as quickly as possible and then hanging up so that his prepubescent daughter can use the family's non-U.S. Cellular cell phone minutes to call the Cory Hotline (did you know that Cory rhymes with allegory?)
And, no, I am not sad because it is so cold outside today that even the Snow Miser is thinking about hightailing it out of town and catching the first flight to Key West with his half-brother the Heat Miser for a Cheeseburger in Paradise and a frosty margarita.
I am sad today because, a short three and one-half months after Thing Two joined Martha and the Vandellas, Axel Foley and Robocop in Detroit Rock City, Thing One will now be sharing crab cake sandwiches with Cal Ripken Jr. and Tracy Turnblad** at the Inner Harbor.
Ladies, gentlemen, Ring of Honor members, and Paul... I am sad.
The Chicago Cubs are thingless.
**Today's pop-culture trivia question: Who is Tracy Turnblad and who played her in the movie?
***Today's sports trivia question: David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez have combined for 333 home runs over the last four seasons. That is the third highest total for a pair of teammates over a four-year span in history. Which two pairs of teammates rank first and second?
I am very sad today.
No, I am not sad because the Cubs spent $10 million per year on a pitcher with a career ERA of 4.60 who once verbally challenged his manager's decision to take him out of a game and then bloodied the manager's nose in the tunnel leading from the dugout to the clubhouse (try that with Lou Pinella and you very well may end up looking like Worm after having been caught base dealing in a room full of New York state troopers), although, yes, I agree that spending that much money on a journeyman pitcher is akin to spending $500 for Luis Gonzalez's discarded gum or spending more than $5 for a potato chip that looks frightenly like David Ortiz***.
No, I am not sad because the Sox have traded Freddy Garcia to the Phillies and now my investment in "Chicago Sweat Rags Inc." stock is essentially worthless and, now that Freddy has taken his dime-bag, Ziggy Marley albums, and Ricky Williams fan club membership to Citizen's Bank Park, I may have to dig up the phone number of Jeff Spicoli or Slater (that's Ron...not A.C.) if I ever want to really understand what in the heck Roger Waters was talking about on when he said that he was waiting for the worms to come.
No, I am not sad that we are only 18 days from Christmas and I have yet to see that commercial where Mr. Harrison tries to save his family money by wishing family and friends happy holidays as quickly as possible and then hanging up so that his prepubescent daughter can use the family's non-U.S. Cellular cell phone minutes to call the Cory Hotline (did you know that Cory rhymes with allegory?)
And, no, I am not sad because it is so cold outside today that even the Snow Miser is thinking about hightailing it out of town and catching the first flight to Key West with his half-brother the Heat Miser for a Cheeseburger in Paradise and a frosty margarita.
I am sad today because, a short three and one-half months after Thing Two joined Martha and the Vandellas, Axel Foley and Robocop in Detroit Rock City, Thing One will now be sharing crab cake sandwiches with Cal Ripken Jr. and Tracy Turnblad** at the Inner Harbor.
Ladies, gentlemen, Ring of Honor members, and Paul... I am sad.
The Chicago Cubs are thingless.
**Today's pop-culture trivia question: Who is Tracy Turnblad and who played her in the movie?
***Today's sports trivia question: David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez have combined for 333 home runs over the last four seasons. That is the third highest total for a pair of teammates over a four-year span in history. Which two pairs of teammates rank first and second?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Rexclamation Point!!!!
I know that I should be a bigger man...
I know that I should be mature about this...
I know that nobody likes the guy who reminds you that he was the one who predicted that Britney and K-Fed had about as much chance of making it as The Random Thoughts has in winning the "Blog With the Most Posts in the Months of November and December 2006" Award...
I know. I know. I know.
Screw that!
Told You So!!!!!!!
Where is Moses Moreno when you need him?
Oh yeah, and Winthrop will win an NCAA Tournament Game in the '07 Madness. Mark it down.
I know that I should be mature about this...
I know that nobody likes the guy who reminds you that he was the one who predicted that Britney and K-Fed had about as much chance of making it as The Random Thoughts has in winning the "Blog With the Most Posts in the Months of November and December 2006" Award...
I know. I know. I know.
Screw that!
Told You So!!!!!!!
Where is Moses Moreno when you need him?
Oh yeah, and Winthrop will win an NCAA Tournament Game in the '07 Madness. Mark it down.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks
You all continue to absolutely amaze me with your unwavering support of the RT while I, on the other hand, continue to disappoint you with my lack of posting. The truth is that this is just not a good time for me as I am finishing up a project at work and have a serious deadline that I have to meet -- all while dealing with less than optimal health.
Hopefully things will calm down in the very near future and I will be back to ripping on the Illini, lamenting the fact that Kerry and Mark cannot stay healthly, questioning whether Rex the Wonder Dog truly is the Bears' savior, and lusting over Jessica Alba (okay, so even in my crazy-busy state, I continue to lust after thr official RT Hottie). And to think that I have not posted in so long that I am completely failing to take advantage of the opportunity to comment on how, as I write this, Purdue is suddenly the third best college football team in the state of Indiana (behind the Irish and the Hoosiers). Man, talk about wasted opportunities! (when I do return, IU will have probably returned to the days of ineptitude while Purdue may have just returned to the days of mediocrity).
Anyway, I hope everyone keeps checking the site as I promise that I will be back at some point. I just really need to get a number of things off my desk at work before making a glorious return to the world of the RT! Will it be tomorrow, Friday, next Wednesday or in late November? Unfortunately, I cannot say at this time. But you will be the first to know.
Dan
Hopefully things will calm down in the very near future and I will be back to ripping on the Illini, lamenting the fact that Kerry and Mark cannot stay healthly, questioning whether Rex the Wonder Dog truly is the Bears' savior, and lusting over Jessica Alba (okay, so even in my crazy-busy state, I continue to lust after thr official RT Hottie). And to think that I have not posted in so long that I am completely failing to take advantage of the opportunity to comment on how, as I write this, Purdue is suddenly the third best college football team in the state of Indiana (behind the Irish and the Hoosiers). Man, talk about wasted opportunities! (when I do return, IU will have probably returned to the days of ineptitude while Purdue may have just returned to the days of mediocrity).
Anyway, I hope everyone keeps checking the site as I promise that I will be back at some point. I just really need to get a number of things off my desk at work before making a glorious return to the world of the RT! Will it be tomorrow, Friday, next Wednesday or in late November? Unfortunately, I cannot say at this time. But you will be the first to know.
Dan
Monday, October 23, 2006
Work Stinks
It's another crazy week at work and, therefore, it is unlikely that I will be posting on a regular basis.
You will have to just keep checking the site. Thanks for your support!
Two quick U of I notes...
* Kudos to the Daily Southtown for this clever line on Eric Gordon's decision to attend IU instead of Illinois... "Even Chief Illiniwek is calling Eric Gordon an indian giver."
* Nice to see Ohio defeat Buffalo this past weekend 42-7. That ought to really help the Illini's strength of schedule.
You will have to just keep checking the site. Thanks for your support!
Two quick U of I notes...
* Kudos to the Daily Southtown for this clever line on Eric Gordon's decision to attend IU instead of Illinois... "Even Chief Illiniwek is calling Eric Gordon an indian giver."
* Nice to see Ohio defeat Buffalo this past weekend 42-7. That ought to really help the Illini's strength of schedule.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Don't Blame Me. I Voted For Gerry Bertier
Talk about getting screwed...
First, one of the three greatest movies of all-time, The Usual Suspects, is not even nominated for an Academy Award. Then Nicole Kidman wins the Best Actress Oscar for her role as Virginia Woolf in The Hours when fellow nominee Salma Hayek is so much hotter. And finally, Rachel McAdams and some dude whose name I do not care to look up take home a Moon Man for Best Kiss at the 2005 MTV "Look The Young Kids Don't Care What Meryl Streep is Wearing and Haven't Seen Either "Capote" or "Good Night and Good Luck" Anyway, So We Might As Well Invite Flea annd His Stuffed Animal Pants and Jay-Z and Start Our Own Movie Awards" Awards.
Hey, I like Rachel McAdams as much as the next guy, and I am sure that her kiss with ol' what's his name was very tender and nice, but anytime Jennifer Garner making out with Natissia Malthe is up for an award, but doesn't take home the trophy, you've really got to wonder whether Stevie Wonder and the cast of Queer Eye for The Blind are the ones doing the voting. (And if you do not know who Natissia Malthe is, it's worth the two minutes to look her up).
And now, we have hit rock bottom as James Hall of the Detroit Lions has won the NFC Defensive Player of the Week over the Chicago Bears' own Brian Urlacher. Look, I am sure that Hall had a very nice game and the stats seem to bear (no pun intended) it out. After all, he did finish the game with 3 1/2 sacks and a forced fumble. But, c'mon people. There is simply no way that he or anyone for that matter was better than Brian Urlacher last week.
And, let's be honest here... Hall's numbers are a little misleading. Yes, the official stats credit him with 3 1/2 sacks, but the truth is that he was going against former-Bear turnstile Mike Gandy all day. Three and one-half sacks against Mike Gandy? Big frickin' deal. It is really no different than hitting a home off Gopherball Glendon, scoring 30 when being guarded by Antoine Walker, winning a college football game against Illinois, or getting that one-armed chick who hangs out at the corner of North Avernue and Halsted in her fishnets to sleep with you as long as you don't look like Steve Buscemi. Should it really count? I believe it was Jurko who made his first witty and intelligent comment of the month of October when he said that 3 1/2 sacks against Gandy really ought to count as one-half, maybe one, sack at the absolute most.
Heck, you could probably fetch Alonzo Spellman out of St. Mungo's or Pescadero State Hosptial or Azkaban or Sing-Sing or that tool shed behind Phillip Daniels' house, dress him up, roll him out there, and he could probably record a sack against the former Notre Dame offensive lineman. Come to think of it, I think this is the week that he gets to spend walking on the beach and swimming in the ocean on Plum Island.***
I have no doubt that Detroit's first win of the season is at least partially the result of the fine play of Hall, but the Lions also got terrific contributions from Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones, and Roy Williams. In fact, I think Herman Moore may have even had a catch against the Bills and Chris Speilman may have taken the neck brace off long enough to make a couple of tackles. Brian Urlacher, on the other hand was, in my opinion, single handedly responsible for the Bears' miracle win Monday night. Oh sure, Devin Hester, Neil Rackers and the rest of the defense deserve at least some credit, but without #54 doing his thing the Bears lose. Period. He should have been the NFC Defensive Player of the Week and the fact that he is not is a screw-job of "Blame Canada" loses the Oscar for Best Song to some stupid Phil Collins song from Tarzan proportions.
* Yes, Urlacher was amazing, but me thinks that the Bears' official statistics are a tad exaggerated. Twenty-five tackles? C'mon. Of course, I have been known to take liberty with the truth every now and then by "crediting" Rex the Wonder Dog with 17 interceptions in a game or questioning how Jose Contreras continues to pitch at age 94 , so I guess my criticism is a little like Angel Guzman criticizing Juan Mateo for his inability to throw strikes, Ozzy Osborne sticking his nose up at Mike Ditka's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," and
Tara Reid questioning Lindsay Lohan's social habits.
* Losing Mike Brown for the remainder of the season is definitely a blow to the Bears' defense, but I honestly believe that the team can and will survive. Personally, while I do not deny that Brown is a solid player, I have always thought that his Pro-Bowl reputation is really a continuing hangover from his two game-winning returns for touchdown during the 2001 season. In other words, if he was a Desperate Houswife, he would be Lynette Scalvo, but not quite Gabrielle Solis (that's Felicity Huffman and not quite Eva Longoria for those of you who have never visited Wisteria Lane and, therefore have no idea what in the heck I am talking about). In other words, you are certainly not going to kick him off the team, but you also know that there are better options out there.
The question is whether Todd Johnson can do the job. Johnson has proven to be a big hitter (as evidenced by his crunching hit on an Arizona receiver Monday night), but whether he is capable of playing every down is another story. The bottom line is that there will naturally be a drop-off, but the front seven is so good that it the impact likely will not be as devastating as if the Bears lost the real NFC Player of the Week, Tommie Harris, or Nathan Vasher.
Besides, losing Brown is not all bad. After all, Johnson is still a relative unknown with no leverage while Brown is a seven year veteran who requires a certain amount of coddling. In other words, this gives the Bears' stat folks the perfect opportunity to just credit all of Johnson's plays to Urlacher, without the former Gator saying a word. Look for Brian to record a good 35 tackles or so in against San Francisco in week 8.
And allowing Urlacher to pad his stats is not even the best part. Having Brown on the bench with crutches is also sure to come in handy should the Bears ever find themselved matched up against Florida International. Not to mention to fact that having his foot in a cast will be just what the doctor ordered should Rowdy Roddy Piper and Paul Orondorff need a manager in their up and coming Rock n' Wrestling match against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.***
* Speaking of NFL safeties and uncalled for acts of violence on the football field, New England's Rodney Harrison has been named the Dirtiest Player in the NFL for the second time in three seasons. And the designation does not come from the reporter who was once blown off by Harrison after he promised to grant an exclusive interview, the woman who feels scorned after Harrison failed to call after he convinced her to join him in acting out scenes from the Spice Network feature "Remember the Trojans (and the Ramses and the Lifestyles and the sure they come in pretty colors but they offer you less protection than covering up with a tube sock)", or even the little kid whose Kit Kat, Rodney stole in 3rd grade. Nope, Harrison was voted the dirtiest player by his peers -- the other players in the NFL.
Nobody should really be surprised that Harrison got a whopping 23% of the vote in the Sports Illustrated NFL players poll (although Rodney claims that he is shocked and that nobody would be willing to call him dirty to his face. Well, of course not, they probably afraid that you would take a swipe at their knees). After all, Harrison is the NFL's answer to Dennis Rodman and Mark Cuban, having been fined an NFL record $300,000 over the last 13 years. In fact, according to NFL sources, Harrison actually puts $30,000 -$50,000 in a dedicated fund before every season to cover his inevitable fines. This guy makes Wayne Arnold and Budy Hinton seem like altar boys. He may be a terrific football player, but he is a grade-A asshole.
And you can be damn sure that the Marian Catholic nun who he slugged would vote for him as well.
* Nope. Not concerned about libel in the least. Truth, after all, is an absolute defense.
* Were you one of the 872 people at the United Center on Wednesday night to watch the first-place Chicago Blackhawks defeat the Montreal Canadians 2-1? No? Then you missed quite a bit. You missed the opportunity to eat Cherry Heads during the power play and Grape Heads during the penalty kill. You missed the opportunity to check out which of the players' wives are wearing leather pants and whether Eric Daze got peppers on his nachos during his 1,275th consecutive day in the press box. You missed the chance to see Martin Havlat, possibly the greatest Hawk since Denis Savard was still doing spin-a-ramas, score his 7th goal of the young season. And, most importantly, you missed the chance to see the greatest player in the history of the NHL to wear uniform #84... Guillaume Latendresse. That's right. The greatest in the history of the NHL.
Latendresse has played a total of six games in his career with one lousy shot on goal and a -2 plus/minus rating, yet, holds the distinction as the greatest #84 in history because, you see, he is the only #84 in history. Monsieur Latendresse's on-ice appearance in a #84 Habs sweater now completes the NHL record book as #84 was the only number that had never been worn in an NHL game. Oh yeah, except #1969. They are saving that for when Ron Santo becomes the first man with no legs to lace up the skates and take a shift.
And the NHL was getting awfully embarrassed at having to list former Bears WR Brian Baschnagel, who once wore his jersey when he accompanied the "shoot the puck chick" to center ice at a 1983 game at the old stadium, as the greatest #84 for ever take the ice. And while Baschnagel was a perfect gentlemen, she confused him and his mustache with Bill Buckner and wound up going home with Al Secord, anyway.
* Former Big Ten center Marcus Griffin was rushed to the hospital Wednesday night after losing a bet with Frankie Williams that he could fit 80 billiards balls in his mouth. Griffin, who once actually won the right to touch Indiana's five NCAA Championship banners after fitting six bottles of Richard Keene's hairpray in his ecxceptionally large mouth (to the shock and dismay of former Hoosiers Jared Jeffries and Kirk Haston who had to pay off the bet by sneaking into the real Assembly Hall to allow Griffin to have his thrilling banner experience), was released from the hospital after having his jaw reattached and wired shut. While in the emergency room, he made sure to say hello to Marcus Liberty who was there...well...because Spellman had already claimed the spot on the shed floor that does not have any protruding nails and, frankly, he had nowhere else to go.
Is that what you were looking for, Chief?
* Great... now I am going to get sued for liable.
* Finally, I could not agree more with "Bearister's" assessment of Mac, Jurko and Harry as radio snobs. He has really hit the nail on the head (The biggest problem is that Mac is not only a sports snob, but a music and movie snob as well). And his analogy to Lamar Thomas in his latest comment was terrific. As was "WrigleyBill's" reference to Homer's "little brother" Pepe (acceptable reasons for wanting to be a big brother... spite, malice, revenge, boredom, and profit). Finally, "All hail the chief's" comment that "Everyone has their own tastes. If you do not like the wings, go for the breasts," was classic.
And that is why I am proud to announce that "Bearister," "WrigleyBill" and "All hail the chief" are the first three members of the Random Thoughts Commentor "Ring of Honor" (with "pfarro" already knocking on the door of the exclusive club, but still having a ways to go). And what do they get as the inagural members of the RT CROH? A copy of the official RT hottie's first big acting break "Dark Angel: Season One" on DVD? An autographed hospital bed pan from Thing One's unfortunate stay in a Minneapolis hospital with blood clotting in his arm? Steve Lyons' discarded copy of the movie "Spanglish" and an 8 x 10 of the former Fox Baseball broadcaster dressed as Don Juan for Halloween? Nope, each gets a lovely framable certificate and all my respect and admiration.
So how do you become a proud member of the Ring of Honor? Well, you have to comment! I'll give you a topic to get you all going... How about writing about the scariest terror threat that you can think of. And try and get the NFL involved if you can. And after you post your thoughts, you can then rob a bank and leave your business card behind, claim that you found a finger in your bowl of Wendy's chili and enter the next baseball season completely relying on the health of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. And then you can possibly move to Wisconsin.
At least now we know who voted for Rachel McAdams and Robert Hall.
And didn't vote for Harrison.
Have a great weekend!
***Today's Pop-Culture Trivia Question: Who was told that if he cooperated, he could spend a week on Plum Island soaking up the sun?
***Today's Sort-Of Sports Trivia Question (Man I hope someone knows this and knows what I am talking about): What wrestler who was famous for wearing a cast on his arm was in Piper and Orondorff's corner at the Rock n' Wrestling spectacular? Which two indivuals were in Hogan and Mr. T's corner? And please don't say that I am a fool and you pity me for knowing this.
First, one of the three greatest movies of all-time, The Usual Suspects, is not even nominated for an Academy Award. Then Nicole Kidman wins the Best Actress Oscar for her role as Virginia Woolf in The Hours when fellow nominee Salma Hayek is so much hotter. And finally, Rachel McAdams and some dude whose name I do not care to look up take home a Moon Man for Best Kiss at the 2005 MTV "Look The Young Kids Don't Care What Meryl Streep is Wearing and Haven't Seen Either "Capote" or "Good Night and Good Luck" Anyway, So We Might As Well Invite Flea annd His Stuffed Animal Pants and Jay-Z and Start Our Own Movie Awards" Awards.
Hey, I like Rachel McAdams as much as the next guy, and I am sure that her kiss with ol' what's his name was very tender and nice, but anytime Jennifer Garner making out with Natissia Malthe is up for an award, but doesn't take home the trophy, you've really got to wonder whether Stevie Wonder and the cast of Queer Eye for The Blind are the ones doing the voting. (And if you do not know who Natissia Malthe is, it's worth the two minutes to look her up).
And now, we have hit rock bottom as James Hall of the Detroit Lions has won the NFC Defensive Player of the Week over the Chicago Bears' own Brian Urlacher. Look, I am sure that Hall had a very nice game and the stats seem to bear (no pun intended) it out. After all, he did finish the game with 3 1/2 sacks and a forced fumble. But, c'mon people. There is simply no way that he or anyone for that matter was better than Brian Urlacher last week.
And, let's be honest here... Hall's numbers are a little misleading. Yes, the official stats credit him with 3 1/2 sacks, but the truth is that he was going against former-Bear turnstile Mike Gandy all day. Three and one-half sacks against Mike Gandy? Big frickin' deal. It is really no different than hitting a home off Gopherball Glendon, scoring 30 when being guarded by Antoine Walker, winning a college football game against Illinois, or getting that one-armed chick who hangs out at the corner of North Avernue and Halsted in her fishnets to sleep with you as long as you don't look like Steve Buscemi. Should it really count? I believe it was Jurko who made his first witty and intelligent comment of the month of October when he said that 3 1/2 sacks against Gandy really ought to count as one-half, maybe one, sack at the absolute most.
Heck, you could probably fetch Alonzo Spellman out of St. Mungo's or Pescadero State Hosptial or Azkaban or Sing-Sing or that tool shed behind Phillip Daniels' house, dress him up, roll him out there, and he could probably record a sack against the former Notre Dame offensive lineman. Come to think of it, I think this is the week that he gets to spend walking on the beach and swimming in the ocean on Plum Island.***
I have no doubt that Detroit's first win of the season is at least partially the result of the fine play of Hall, but the Lions also got terrific contributions from Jon Kitna, Kevin Jones, and Roy Williams. In fact, I think Herman Moore may have even had a catch against the Bills and Chris Speilman may have taken the neck brace off long enough to make a couple of tackles. Brian Urlacher, on the other hand was, in my opinion, single handedly responsible for the Bears' miracle win Monday night. Oh sure, Devin Hester, Neil Rackers and the rest of the defense deserve at least some credit, but without #54 doing his thing the Bears lose. Period. He should have been the NFC Defensive Player of the Week and the fact that he is not is a screw-job of "Blame Canada" loses the Oscar for Best Song to some stupid Phil Collins song from Tarzan proportions.
* Yes, Urlacher was amazing, but me thinks that the Bears' official statistics are a tad exaggerated. Twenty-five tackles? C'mon. Of course, I have been known to take liberty with the truth every now and then by "crediting" Rex the Wonder Dog with 17 interceptions in a game or questioning how Jose Contreras continues to pitch at age 94 , so I guess my criticism is a little like Angel Guzman criticizing Juan Mateo for his inability to throw strikes, Ozzy Osborne sticking his nose up at Mike Ditka's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," and
Tara Reid questioning Lindsay Lohan's social habits.
* Losing Mike Brown for the remainder of the season is definitely a blow to the Bears' defense, but I honestly believe that the team can and will survive. Personally, while I do not deny that Brown is a solid player, I have always thought that his Pro-Bowl reputation is really a continuing hangover from his two game-winning returns for touchdown during the 2001 season. In other words, if he was a Desperate Houswife, he would be Lynette Scalvo, but not quite Gabrielle Solis (that's Felicity Huffman and not quite Eva Longoria for those of you who have never visited Wisteria Lane and, therefore have no idea what in the heck I am talking about). In other words, you are certainly not going to kick him off the team, but you also know that there are better options out there.
The question is whether Todd Johnson can do the job. Johnson has proven to be a big hitter (as evidenced by his crunching hit on an Arizona receiver Monday night), but whether he is capable of playing every down is another story. The bottom line is that there will naturally be a drop-off, but the front seven is so good that it the impact likely will not be as devastating as if the Bears lost the real NFC Player of the Week, Tommie Harris, or Nathan Vasher.
Besides, losing Brown is not all bad. After all, Johnson is still a relative unknown with no leverage while Brown is a seven year veteran who requires a certain amount of coddling. In other words, this gives the Bears' stat folks the perfect opportunity to just credit all of Johnson's plays to Urlacher, without the former Gator saying a word. Look for Brian to record a good 35 tackles or so in against San Francisco in week 8.
And allowing Urlacher to pad his stats is not even the best part. Having Brown on the bench with crutches is also sure to come in handy should the Bears ever find themselved matched up against Florida International. Not to mention to fact that having his foot in a cast will be just what the doctor ordered should Rowdy Roddy Piper and Paul Orondorff need a manager in their up and coming Rock n' Wrestling match against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.***
* Speaking of NFL safeties and uncalled for acts of violence on the football field, New England's Rodney Harrison has been named the Dirtiest Player in the NFL for the second time in three seasons. And the designation does not come from the reporter who was once blown off by Harrison after he promised to grant an exclusive interview, the woman who feels scorned after Harrison failed to call after he convinced her to join him in acting out scenes from the Spice Network feature "Remember the Trojans (and the Ramses and the Lifestyles and the sure they come in pretty colors but they offer you less protection than covering up with a tube sock)", or even the little kid whose Kit Kat, Rodney stole in 3rd grade. Nope, Harrison was voted the dirtiest player by his peers -- the other players in the NFL.
Nobody should really be surprised that Harrison got a whopping 23% of the vote in the Sports Illustrated NFL players poll (although Rodney claims that he is shocked and that nobody would be willing to call him dirty to his face. Well, of course not, they probably afraid that you would take a swipe at their knees). After all, Harrison is the NFL's answer to Dennis Rodman and Mark Cuban, having been fined an NFL record $300,000 over the last 13 years. In fact, according to NFL sources, Harrison actually puts $30,000 -$50,000 in a dedicated fund before every season to cover his inevitable fines. This guy makes Wayne Arnold and Budy Hinton seem like altar boys. He may be a terrific football player, but he is a grade-A asshole.
And you can be damn sure that the Marian Catholic nun who he slugged would vote for him as well.
* Nope. Not concerned about libel in the least. Truth, after all, is an absolute defense.
* Were you one of the 872 people at the United Center on Wednesday night to watch the first-place Chicago Blackhawks defeat the Montreal Canadians 2-1? No? Then you missed quite a bit. You missed the opportunity to eat Cherry Heads during the power play and Grape Heads during the penalty kill. You missed the opportunity to check out which of the players' wives are wearing leather pants and whether Eric Daze got peppers on his nachos during his 1,275th consecutive day in the press box. You missed the chance to see Martin Havlat, possibly the greatest Hawk since Denis Savard was still doing spin-a-ramas, score his 7th goal of the young season. And, most importantly, you missed the chance to see the greatest player in the history of the NHL to wear uniform #84... Guillaume Latendresse. That's right. The greatest in the history of the NHL.
Latendresse has played a total of six games in his career with one lousy shot on goal and a -2 plus/minus rating, yet, holds the distinction as the greatest #84 in history because, you see, he is the only #84 in history. Monsieur Latendresse's on-ice appearance in a #84 Habs sweater now completes the NHL record book as #84 was the only number that had never been worn in an NHL game. Oh yeah, except #1969. They are saving that for when Ron Santo becomes the first man with no legs to lace up the skates and take a shift.
And the NHL was getting awfully embarrassed at having to list former Bears WR Brian Baschnagel, who once wore his jersey when he accompanied the "shoot the puck chick" to center ice at a 1983 game at the old stadium, as the greatest #84 for ever take the ice. And while Baschnagel was a perfect gentlemen, she confused him and his mustache with Bill Buckner and wound up going home with Al Secord, anyway.
* Former Big Ten center Marcus Griffin was rushed to the hospital Wednesday night after losing a bet with Frankie Williams that he could fit 80 billiards balls in his mouth. Griffin, who once actually won the right to touch Indiana's five NCAA Championship banners after fitting six bottles of Richard Keene's hairpray in his ecxceptionally large mouth (to the shock and dismay of former Hoosiers Jared Jeffries and Kirk Haston who had to pay off the bet by sneaking into the real Assembly Hall to allow Griffin to have his thrilling banner experience), was released from the hospital after having his jaw reattached and wired shut. While in the emergency room, he made sure to say hello to Marcus Liberty who was there...well...because Spellman had already claimed the spot on the shed floor that does not have any protruding nails and, frankly, he had nowhere else to go.
Is that what you were looking for, Chief?
* Great... now I am going to get sued for liable.
* Finally, I could not agree more with "Bearister's" assessment of Mac, Jurko and Harry as radio snobs. He has really hit the nail on the head (The biggest problem is that Mac is not only a sports snob, but a music and movie snob as well). And his analogy to Lamar Thomas in his latest comment was terrific. As was "WrigleyBill's" reference to Homer's "little brother" Pepe (acceptable reasons for wanting to be a big brother... spite, malice, revenge, boredom, and profit). Finally, "All hail the chief's" comment that "Everyone has their own tastes. If you do not like the wings, go for the breasts," was classic.
And that is why I am proud to announce that "Bearister," "WrigleyBill" and "All hail the chief" are the first three members of the Random Thoughts Commentor "Ring of Honor" (with "pfarro" already knocking on the door of the exclusive club, but still having a ways to go). And what do they get as the inagural members of the RT CROH? A copy of the official RT hottie's first big acting break "Dark Angel: Season One" on DVD? An autographed hospital bed pan from Thing One's unfortunate stay in a Minneapolis hospital with blood clotting in his arm? Steve Lyons' discarded copy of the movie "Spanglish" and an 8 x 10 of the former Fox Baseball broadcaster dressed as Don Juan for Halloween? Nope, each gets a lovely framable certificate and all my respect and admiration.
So how do you become a proud member of the Ring of Honor? Well, you have to comment! I'll give you a topic to get you all going... How about writing about the scariest terror threat that you can think of. And try and get the NFL involved if you can. And after you post your thoughts, you can then rob a bank and leave your business card behind, claim that you found a finger in your bowl of Wendy's chili and enter the next baseball season completely relying on the health of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. And then you can possibly move to Wisconsin.
At least now we know who voted for Rachel McAdams and Robert Hall.
And didn't vote for Harrison.
Have a great weekend!
***Today's Pop-Culture Trivia Question: Who was told that if he cooperated, he could spend a week on Plum Island soaking up the sun?
***Today's Sort-Of Sports Trivia Question (Man I hope someone knows this and knows what I am talking about): What wrestler who was famous for wearing a cast on his arm was in Piper and Orondorff's corner at the Rock n' Wrestling spectacular? Which two indivuals were in Hogan and Mr. T's corner? And please don't say that I am a fool and you pity me for knowing this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Who's Hungry For Some Wings?
Yesterday I mentioned that I am officially ready to give Tony Kornheiser a thumbs up for his work in the Monday Night Football television booth. In the same paragraph, I stated that, although, I agree that Joe Thiesmann has an annoying habit of contradicting himself throughout a broadcast, overall, I enjoy his work as well. And then I turned on Mac, Jurko and Harry on ESPN Radio 1000.
Once Harry finished spending 45 minutes kissing Rex the Wonder Dog's butt and Mac stopped roundly criticizing the Cubs' hiring of Sweet Lou (you don't cheer against the Cubs, eh Mac? Sure, and Hooters got it's name because the original investors were big fans of Hedwig, Pigwidgeon and John Chaney), they turned to their normal Tuesday afternoon staple "Critics At Extra-Large," during which they and their listeners crititique the performance of television and radio announcers and the print media. And yesterday, I heard so much anger and vitriol, you would have sworn either that the aforementioned national restaurant chain had announced that their waitresses were going to start wearing parkas and snow pants or that all future hires were going to be required to be graduates of the 2002 Sally Struthers school of binge snacking.
Look, I don't know about you, but although I like Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes and a Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise as much as the next guy, I prefer to have my chicken wings delivered by the 2005 USC Homecoming Queen than by Queen Latifah.
You see, Mac (and to a lesser extent Jurko and Harry) absolutely hates the new Monday Night team, and Thiesmann in particular. And what is worse is that it seems as though every listener immediately jumps on the bandwagon, treating Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser as if they are the three worst announcers in the history of sports broadcasting (I personally get the feeling that they are just playing up to the hosts). And what is most amazing is that such hatred is coming from Chicago sports fans who are forced to deal with Chris Singleton, Darrin Jackson and Hawk Harrelson for 162 games a year (and only 162 games).
Call me crazy, and I suspect that I am in the minority on this, but I like the new MNF announcing team. As I mentioned yesterday, I think that Kornheiser has shown a reasonable understanding of the game and is tremendously witty. Thiesmann, for his part, will certainly never be confused with Marilyn vos Savant or any other member of Mensa*** (after all, this is the same guy who once said -- as previously quoted in the RT -- “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”), but he still knows the game and offers, what in my mind, is a necessary former-player's perspective on the action. And Tirico may not be the greatest play-by-play guy in history but he does a decent-enough job calling the action.
So why do Mac, Jurko and Harry hate the MNF crew so much? Yes, Thiesmann contradicts himself and is occasionally plagued by a case of verbal diarrhea. Yes, Kornheiser can come across as smug at times and if he really cut Donovan McNabb from his fantasy team as he claims he did, qualifies as an NFL "expert" to the same extent that Juan Uribe qualifies as an expert in how to diffuse a tense situation without resorting to violence. And, yes, Tirico will never be considered football's answer to Andres Cantor, Chick Hearn, or Harry Doyle, but, in the end, M,J & H end up picking on the stupidest stuff to justify their hatred. Case in point...yesterday, Jurko fairly strongly criticized Tirico for describing Neil Rackers' missed kick as "leaking" as it drifted to the left of the goal post. Apparently, golf players refer to a shot that goes right as "leaking" and a shot that goes left as "hooking." Huh...
Talk about focusing on the minutia. Ultimately, isn't such criticism a little like criticizing your Hooters server because she didn't give you enough moist towelettes or rejecting the official Random Thoughts hottie for having a pinkie toe that is slightly out of proportion with the rest of her foot? (Raise your hand, if you just thought to yourself... "Jessica Alba has a foot?" -- Hey something has got to be in that boot).
Memo to Mac, Jurko and Harry... follow the advice of Larry Flynt when confronted by Charles Keating Jr. and his anti-pornography coalition. If you do not like the way the ESPN crew is calling the game that much, then don't watch. After all, there has got to be a Hustler around somewhere. I, for one, like the announcing team and they have still only been together for 2 1/2 months. What are your thoughts on Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser?
AROUND THE NFL
I didn't get a chance to see much NFL football this past weekend thanks to the fact that my house is surrounded by enough trees to shelter the entire Brady family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, Harvey Klinger, Milicent the little girl who caused Bobby to see skyrockets, the groovy producer who wanted to turn Greg into Johnny Bravo, everyone who ever made fun of Jan...yes all 6,439 of them, cousin Oliver (who looks freakishly like John Denver on the cover of JD's Greatest Hits) and six waitresses from Hooters after Mike decides that under a tree is the perfect place to hide out during a lightning-filled thunderstorm. In other words, I was too busy raking leaves to watch the Bengals revert back to the days of Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter, the Seahawks be relieved that they were called for an illegal formation and not a false start, and the Tennessee Titans reduce those fat guys who sit in the Washington endzone seats looking like Miss Piggy after a run in with a barrel of radioactive waste to uncontrollable tears.
But there are a couple of things that I do know...
* I know that you can forget the Colts right now, as the Chargers are presently the best team in the AFC. Phillip Rivers looks like the real deal and the defense is excellent. Thanks to the exploits of Dan Fouts, John Jefferson, Kellen Winslow and Louie Kelcher, not to mention the fact that I absolutely loved their uniforms when I was 10 years old, I grew up a San Diego fan. A Bears - Chargers Superbowl would be perfect... like going to Hooters and finding out that Alyssa Milano will be the one bringing you another beer.
* Want to laugh? Watch the original "American Pie" movie. Want to be on the edge of your seat? Watch any season of '24." Want cheap thrills? Raid Todd's private collection of Jenna Jameson videos (that's three references in three days!). Want to see the cheerleader who used to sit in front of you in math class comparing Mrs. Denton to a hippopotamus (give her a break...at least she claims she did not know that Marcia got blamed) and doodling "I Love Kirk Cameron" on her notebook in a pair of tight orange shorts? You know where to go...
Want to find a future starting NFL quarterback? Better check the Pac-10. Of the 32 quarterbacks who played the most time for their teams in weeks 5 and 6, a whopping nine of them went to school in the Pac 10. The conference with the second most representatives? How about the MAC with an almost unbelievable five (Frye, Big Ben, Gradkowski, Leftwich and Pennington -- although Marshall is now in Conference USA, when Byron and Chad played there, it was a MAC school). The Big East, ACC and SEC each have three. Yes, you read that correctly... the MAC has more starting NFL quarterbacks than the overhyped SEC (and some might argue that after Monday night, whether Rex a truly a legitimate starting QB is once again in question. Some. Not necessarily me. I said some................................... Okay...me).
What about the Big Ten, you ask? Well, the poor Big 10 has only developed two current starting quarterbacks... Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Where are all the great Big 10 passers? Brooks Bollinger? You out there? Drew Henson? You still working at the Kroger? Brett Basanez? Jon Beutjer? Oh well, the Big 10 may not produce a lot of current big-time passers, but if you need someone to play Shaggy in the stage production of Scooby Shows Daphne His Bone, check the Bears' sideline for a former Big 10 standout. Not to mention the fact that nobody is better at Quarters or Three-Man than Penn State alum Kerry Collins and I would like to see how many quasi-quarterbacks who excel at Thermo-nuclear advance global timewarp kinetics have come out of Oregon State. Love live Craig Krenzel!
And at least the Big 10 is not the Big 12. One lousy quarterback from the Big 12 is currently starting in the NFL and that is Vince Young. Good thing The Team Who Must Not Be Named is a Basketball school. Oklahoma? Nebraska? What's your excuse?
THE RICK SPRINGFIELD FAN CLUB FFB LEAGUE WEEK-IN-REVIEW
This has been one of the strangest years I can remember when it comes to fantasy football. Thanks to injuries, bad play and unpredictability, I feel like we have been living in the fantasy bizarro world. Black is white. Up is down. Left is Right. Kramer has a job, George has entered the forbidden city, Elaine is hanging out with Kevin, Gene and Feldman and Jerry is dating a woman with hands that would put Andre the Giant to shame. And, to top it all off, Hooters is likely to begin serving sushi and goose liver pate. Fantasy football fans chew on the following statistics for a while... (all points based on the RSFC scoring system)
Quarterbacks
- Tom Brady has not been bad, but has been outscored by Jon Kitna (from Central Washington no less) and Alex Smith. On the field. Let's not get carried away.
- Take the above two names and add David Carr and Phillip Rivers to the list. All four have outscored Carson Palmer. In fact, Carson Palmer cannot even lay claim to the title of highest scoring QB in the state of Ohio. He is tied with Charlie Frye of the Browns. Yes, the Charlie Frye.
- Jake Delhomme, who, up to this year, has been a favorite of the "Proud Supporters of Louisiana Intercollegiate Quartebacks" (Jake is a grad of La-Lafayette), and J.P. Losman, who has forced the same group to try and convince everyone that Tulane is located in Mississippi, have the same number of points.
- Jake Plummer sucks worse than finding out that Hooters is out of 2007 swimsuit calendars and the decks of playing cards, but at least he has played in all five of the Broncos games. Bruce Gradkowski had to wait for Chris Simms' spleen to turn into oatmeal to get a chance and has only played in two games. Yet, the unheralded rookie has only been outscored by Plummer by two lousy points.
- Big Ben gets a lot of publicity. Yet, even with his two-TD game last week, he still has less points than Kyle Boller who has not even played a full game yet. Who should be hawking Fatheads now?
I mean besides Peter after he saved that little girl at the toy store.
Running Backs
- Are you starting to look like Troy Palamalu and desperately need a barber before Larry Johnson treats you like Tommy Lee treated Pam after finding out that she got a breast reduction? Well, Tiki has, for years, been an absolutely terrific all-around football player. But, this year, you would just as soon go to see Marion. The backup running back of the Cowboys has the same number of points as Tiki thanks to four touchdowns (Tiki has the same number of scores as me...zero)
- Thomas Jones has thus far held off Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson as the Bears starting tailback. Yet Jones has yet to find the endzone and is being outscored by Mo-Jo Drew 34-30 despite the fact that Drew entered the season as the Jags #4 tailback on the depth chart.
- Take #1 overall selection Shaun Alexander's 2006 output (yes, I know that he has been sidelined with a broken foot). Now take the production of first round draft picks Cadillac Williams and LaMont Jordan. Add all three together. Congrats...you just reached the point total of Eagles RB Brian Westbrook.
Wide Receivers
- Torry Holt is far and away the top scoring WR in the league this year. That is not necessarily surprising. But, guess who is second? T.O.? Only if you get points for trips to the E.R.. Chad Johnson? Only if you get credit for Sportscenter commericals and having a Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man haircut. Wendell Davis? C'mon... Try Reggie Brown.
- Pick a player that you would rather have on your team... Marvin Harrison or Mike Furrey? Hines Ward or Nate Washington? Hines Ward or Drew Carter? Hines Ward or Arnaz Battle? Believe it or not, like Madonna's boobs during her bizanne Marilyn Monroe/ cone bra era each pairing has the same number of points.
- Furrey does, however, have more points than Marvin's teammate Reggie Wayne and Washington, Carter and Battle all have more points than the aforementioned Wesley Snipes. How many of you considered Arnaz Battle in the second round?
- Joey Galloway has not exactly been unstoppable this year with 346 yards and only two TDs, but you have to add the point totals of Ward, Keenan McCardell, Derrick Mason, and Nate Burleson to match Joey's 28 total points.
Tight Ends
- Is Tony Gonzalez still a top-flight tight end? Owen Daniels, Chris Baker, Daniel Wilcox and the other nine TE who have outscored Gonzo in '06 don't think so. My guess is that Herman Edwards would agree.
- Ben Watson was considered the next great tight end entering the season and most "experts" figured that if anyone was likely to storm onto the scene ala Antonio Gates in 2004, it was Watson. Too bad, Watson has been outscored by not only by all of the players listed above, but also by Courtney Alexander, Dan Campbell, George Wrighster, John Gilmore and his own teammate Daniel Graham.
- Watson (7 points) may still be the next great tight end and may someday prove to be another Gates, but so far this season you would need four of him to match Gates modest point total of 28.
Overall
- Donovan McNabb has been far and away the best player in fantasy football this season with 129 points. Tied in second... raise your hand if you said Marc Bulger and the Bears defense with 89 points each and then give Dr. Brown the DeLoren back and throw away the year 2054 sports almanac you picked up while checking to see whether that Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pen you ordered in 1954 ever showed up.
- Most "experts" laugh at the idea of drafting a defense/ special teams high in a draft, but the Bears D/ST has made them all look like fools. Only four RB and two WR have more TD than the Bears' four.
- Finally, off the top of your head... who is the sixth highest overall scorer in fantasy football so far this year? The chances that any of you said the correct answer are about equal to the chances that Sister Mary Francis McDermott is going to hold her retirement party at Chili's (threw you a curve ball there, didn't I?). The answer is Robbie Gould. To get to Gould's total of 72 points, you would have to add the totals of preseason consensus #1 kicker Adam Vinatieri and perennial top-5 kicker Jason Elam and even throw in the 12 points amassed by that sniveling little gnat Martin Gramatica.
Were all these stats boring? Probably... but they are absolutely amazing and prove that it has been an awfully fantasy football strange season. There's your excuse when your team chokes like Edgerrin James and Neil Rackers.
GAME OF THE WEEK
There were a couple of possibilities entering Monday night, but thanks to the Bears' offense's impression of Koren Robinson's battle to kick the habit (talk about a lack of progress), nothing really panned out. How about...
Indiana 31, Iowa 28
Take that Luke Recker. And Steve Alford. And Robert Gallery. And Gene Wilder. And Tom Brokaw. And Ashton Kutcher. And all you fine ladies at the Hooters 22nd Street in Des Moines. I'll pass on picking on you, Dennis Green. You've had a tough enough couple of days as it is.
Tom Arnold also went to Iowa, which may explain a lot.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
- LaDainian Tomlinson (Spanky) with 30 points
I have absolutely no idea why Marty Schottenheimer still had Tomlinson in the game with the Chargers firmly in control in the fourth quarter, but it allowed LT to rush for his fourth TD of the contest. Maybe Schottenheimer is planning on wagering a bundle on Miami Carol City High School next week and was hoping that LT would pull a hammy and have to miss Briscoe High's next game. For those of you not following the fortunes of the Hawks, Briscoe High is now 6-0 on the season.
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Torry Holt (Mr. October) with 25 points (Holt has been far and away the best receiver in football this year. Even in a losing effort -- both for the Rams and Mr. October -- his performance deserves mention)
- Marc Bulger (Short Bus) with 24 points (And who was throwing to Holt? Why Marc Bulger, of course. At least Bulger lead Brian M. to a victory)
- Chicago D/ST (Nickel Slots) with 21 points (Like a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a pair of velvet lined handcuffs, no explanation is necessary here)
LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER
- Rick Mirer (Slappers) with -4 points
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but Burris was terrible. The fact that the Bears overcame Moreno's six turnovers still amazes me. I know that Blake supposedly has moxie and poise in the pocket and Bears fans can only hope that this does not affect Jeff's confidence. Yes, even the greatest quarterbacks in history have suffered through games like the one McNown played on Monday night, but that really does not make me feel any more comfortable about Hartsell's 14-37 performance. Let's put this as simply as we can. Stenstrom sucked.
Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention
- Michael Turner (Prosthetic Legs) with 0 points (Turner had been getting regular carries while games were still in doubt, yet surprisingly received only a single hand off in the Chargers blowout of the 49ers. Who does Schottenheimer think he is? Barry Switzer?)
- Edgerrin James (Mr. October) with 1 point (Although, as a Bears fan, I sort of want to name him an MVP, rather than the other way around. You have to feel at least a little bad for Edge. Running behind the Arizona offensive line is like entering a gun fight with a water pistol. Both ways, you're dead)
- Tony Gonzalez (Shabbit) with 0 points (Listen closely and you might be able to hear Gonzo singing. "Won't you come home Trent Green... Won't you come home?")
BEST COACHING DECISION
- Play Joe Horn (17 pts) and sit Sayers-Payton-Benson (two punches thrown at Thomas Jones) and Leon Washington (2 pts): Who You Crappin
Inside sources tell me that Joe M. struggled with this decision, but ultimately made the right choice. Horn was definitely due given his lack of success thus far this year, but two TDs and 110 yards had to be a surprise.
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Play Marc Bulger (24 pts) and sit Michael Vick (10 pts): Short Bus (As the lifetime president of the Michael Vick Fan Club, I am deeply disappointed in Brian M's decision. I also wish that the Cubs would trade Derrek Lee and Big Z for A.J. Pierzynski and the rights to have Hawk Harrelson in the booth. And I hate Jimmy Buffett.)
- Play Jeff Reed (9 pts) over Lawrence Tynes (1 pt): Prosthetic Legs (With six teams on bye, it is very tough to find good decisions. I'll take the self-pat on the back).
WORST COACHING DECISION
- Play David Carr (0 pts) and sit Jake Delhomme (17): JEB Fins
Brian S. has to be at least a little relieved that the Bears' D/ST exploded for 21 pts Monday night, as the Bears' points made this poor decision essentially irrelevant (if the Bears had not gotten the job done, this choice would have cost Fins at least a tie).
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Robbie Gould (6 pts) and sit Josh Brown (13 pts): Slappers (Kickers are probably the most frustrating players in fantasy football. They are like ordering the daily special at The Golden Panda. There is really no way you can predict what you are going to get).
- Play Rex the Wonder Dog (-329 pts) and sit Steve McNair (-1 pt): Slappers (Okay, so I not really criticizing Todd for sitting a guy who had -1 point, but that fact that he would have been better off playing a guy who went 2-4 for 4 yards and an interception I think proves a point. Better luck in two weeks, Rexy.
I gotta go. I have a sudden desire to do something delightfully tacky... yet unrefined.
*** Did you know that Jodie Foster and James Woods are MENSA members. As is porn star Asia Carrera and, sit down because this may be harder to believe than the fact I actually do go to Hooters for the food, Eric Kuselias and even Mac, Jurko and Harry have got to agree that Thiesmann is better than Kuselias.
Once Harry finished spending 45 minutes kissing Rex the Wonder Dog's butt and Mac stopped roundly criticizing the Cubs' hiring of Sweet Lou (you don't cheer against the Cubs, eh Mac? Sure, and Hooters got it's name because the original investors were big fans of Hedwig, Pigwidgeon and John Chaney), they turned to their normal Tuesday afternoon staple "Critics At Extra-Large," during which they and their listeners crititique the performance of television and radio announcers and the print media. And yesterday, I heard so much anger and vitriol, you would have sworn either that the aforementioned national restaurant chain had announced that their waitresses were going to start wearing parkas and snow pants or that all future hires were going to be required to be graduates of the 2002 Sally Struthers school of binge snacking.
Look, I don't know about you, but although I like Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes and a Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise as much as the next guy, I prefer to have my chicken wings delivered by the 2005 USC Homecoming Queen than by Queen Latifah.
You see, Mac (and to a lesser extent Jurko and Harry) absolutely hates the new Monday Night team, and Thiesmann in particular. And what is worse is that it seems as though every listener immediately jumps on the bandwagon, treating Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser as if they are the three worst announcers in the history of sports broadcasting (I personally get the feeling that they are just playing up to the hosts). And what is most amazing is that such hatred is coming from Chicago sports fans who are forced to deal with Chris Singleton, Darrin Jackson and Hawk Harrelson for 162 games a year (and only 162 games).
Call me crazy, and I suspect that I am in the minority on this, but I like the new MNF announcing team. As I mentioned yesterday, I think that Kornheiser has shown a reasonable understanding of the game and is tremendously witty. Thiesmann, for his part, will certainly never be confused with Marilyn vos Savant or any other member of Mensa*** (after all, this is the same guy who once said -- as previously quoted in the RT -- “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”), but he still knows the game and offers, what in my mind, is a necessary former-player's perspective on the action. And Tirico may not be the greatest play-by-play guy in history but he does a decent-enough job calling the action.
So why do Mac, Jurko and Harry hate the MNF crew so much? Yes, Thiesmann contradicts himself and is occasionally plagued by a case of verbal diarrhea. Yes, Kornheiser can come across as smug at times and if he really cut Donovan McNabb from his fantasy team as he claims he did, qualifies as an NFL "expert" to the same extent that Juan Uribe qualifies as an expert in how to diffuse a tense situation without resorting to violence. And, yes, Tirico will never be considered football's answer to Andres Cantor, Chick Hearn, or Harry Doyle, but, in the end, M,J & H end up picking on the stupidest stuff to justify their hatred. Case in point...yesterday, Jurko fairly strongly criticized Tirico for describing Neil Rackers' missed kick as "leaking" as it drifted to the left of the goal post. Apparently, golf players refer to a shot that goes right as "leaking" and a shot that goes left as "hooking." Huh...
Talk about focusing on the minutia. Ultimately, isn't such criticism a little like criticizing your Hooters server because she didn't give you enough moist towelettes or rejecting the official Random Thoughts hottie for having a pinkie toe that is slightly out of proportion with the rest of her foot? (Raise your hand, if you just thought to yourself... "Jessica Alba has a foot?" -- Hey something has got to be in that boot).
Memo to Mac, Jurko and Harry... follow the advice of Larry Flynt when confronted by Charles Keating Jr. and his anti-pornography coalition. If you do not like the way the ESPN crew is calling the game that much, then don't watch. After all, there has got to be a Hustler around somewhere. I, for one, like the announcing team and they have still only been together for 2 1/2 months. What are your thoughts on Tirico, Thiesmann and Kornheiser?
AROUND THE NFL
I didn't get a chance to see much NFL football this past weekend thanks to the fact that my house is surrounded by enough trees to shelter the entire Brady family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, Harvey Klinger, Milicent the little girl who caused Bobby to see skyrockets, the groovy producer who wanted to turn Greg into Johnny Bravo, everyone who ever made fun of Jan...yes all 6,439 of them, cousin Oliver (who looks freakishly like John Denver on the cover of JD's Greatest Hits) and six waitresses from Hooters after Mike decides that under a tree is the perfect place to hide out during a lightning-filled thunderstorm. In other words, I was too busy raking leaves to watch the Bengals revert back to the days of Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter, the Seahawks be relieved that they were called for an illegal formation and not a false start, and the Tennessee Titans reduce those fat guys who sit in the Washington endzone seats looking like Miss Piggy after a run in with a barrel of radioactive waste to uncontrollable tears.
But there are a couple of things that I do know...
* I know that you can forget the Colts right now, as the Chargers are presently the best team in the AFC. Phillip Rivers looks like the real deal and the defense is excellent. Thanks to the exploits of Dan Fouts, John Jefferson, Kellen Winslow and Louie Kelcher, not to mention the fact that I absolutely loved their uniforms when I was 10 years old, I grew up a San Diego fan. A Bears - Chargers Superbowl would be perfect... like going to Hooters and finding out that Alyssa Milano will be the one bringing you another beer.
* Want to laugh? Watch the original "American Pie" movie. Want to be on the edge of your seat? Watch any season of '24." Want cheap thrills? Raid Todd's private collection of Jenna Jameson videos (that's three references in three days!). Want to see the cheerleader who used to sit in front of you in math class comparing Mrs. Denton to a hippopotamus (give her a break...at least she claims she did not know that Marcia got blamed) and doodling "I Love Kirk Cameron" on her notebook in a pair of tight orange shorts? You know where to go...
Want to find a future starting NFL quarterback? Better check the Pac-10. Of the 32 quarterbacks who played the most time for their teams in weeks 5 and 6, a whopping nine of them went to school in the Pac 10. The conference with the second most representatives? How about the MAC with an almost unbelievable five (Frye, Big Ben, Gradkowski, Leftwich and Pennington -- although Marshall is now in Conference USA, when Byron and Chad played there, it was a MAC school). The Big East, ACC and SEC each have three. Yes, you read that correctly... the MAC has more starting NFL quarterbacks than the overhyped SEC (and some might argue that after Monday night, whether Rex a truly a legitimate starting QB is once again in question. Some. Not necessarily me. I said some................................... Okay...me).
What about the Big Ten, you ask? Well, the poor Big 10 has only developed two current starting quarterbacks... Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Where are all the great Big 10 passers? Brooks Bollinger? You out there? Drew Henson? You still working at the Kroger? Brett Basanez? Jon Beutjer? Oh well, the Big 10 may not produce a lot of current big-time passers, but if you need someone to play Shaggy in the stage production of Scooby Shows Daphne His Bone, check the Bears' sideline for a former Big 10 standout. Not to mention the fact that nobody is better at Quarters or Three-Man than Penn State alum Kerry Collins and I would like to see how many quasi-quarterbacks who excel at Thermo-nuclear advance global timewarp kinetics have come out of Oregon State. Love live Craig Krenzel!
And at least the Big 10 is not the Big 12. One lousy quarterback from the Big 12 is currently starting in the NFL and that is Vince Young. Good thing The Team Who Must Not Be Named is a Basketball school. Oklahoma? Nebraska? What's your excuse?
THE RICK SPRINGFIELD FAN CLUB FFB LEAGUE WEEK-IN-REVIEW
This has been one of the strangest years I can remember when it comes to fantasy football. Thanks to injuries, bad play and unpredictability, I feel like we have been living in the fantasy bizarro world. Black is white. Up is down. Left is Right. Kramer has a job, George has entered the forbidden city, Elaine is hanging out with Kevin, Gene and Feldman and Jerry is dating a woman with hands that would put Andre the Giant to shame. And, to top it all off, Hooters is likely to begin serving sushi and goose liver pate. Fantasy football fans chew on the following statistics for a while... (all points based on the RSFC scoring system)
Quarterbacks
- Tom Brady has not been bad, but has been outscored by Jon Kitna (from Central Washington no less) and Alex Smith. On the field. Let's not get carried away.
- Take the above two names and add David Carr and Phillip Rivers to the list. All four have outscored Carson Palmer. In fact, Carson Palmer cannot even lay claim to the title of highest scoring QB in the state of Ohio. He is tied with Charlie Frye of the Browns. Yes, the Charlie Frye.
- Jake Delhomme, who, up to this year, has been a favorite of the "Proud Supporters of Louisiana Intercollegiate Quartebacks" (Jake is a grad of La-Lafayette), and J.P. Losman, who has forced the same group to try and convince everyone that Tulane is located in Mississippi, have the same number of points.
- Jake Plummer sucks worse than finding out that Hooters is out of 2007 swimsuit calendars and the decks of playing cards, but at least he has played in all five of the Broncos games. Bruce Gradkowski had to wait for Chris Simms' spleen to turn into oatmeal to get a chance and has only played in two games. Yet, the unheralded rookie has only been outscored by Plummer by two lousy points.
- Big Ben gets a lot of publicity. Yet, even with his two-TD game last week, he still has less points than Kyle Boller who has not even played a full game yet. Who should be hawking Fatheads now?
I mean besides Peter after he saved that little girl at the toy store.
Running Backs
- Are you starting to look like Troy Palamalu and desperately need a barber before Larry Johnson treats you like Tommy Lee treated Pam after finding out that she got a breast reduction? Well, Tiki has, for years, been an absolutely terrific all-around football player. But, this year, you would just as soon go to see Marion. The backup running back of the Cowboys has the same number of points as Tiki thanks to four touchdowns (Tiki has the same number of scores as me...zero)
- Thomas Jones has thus far held off Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson as the Bears starting tailback. Yet Jones has yet to find the endzone and is being outscored by Mo-Jo Drew 34-30 despite the fact that Drew entered the season as the Jags #4 tailback on the depth chart.
- Take #1 overall selection Shaun Alexander's 2006 output (yes, I know that he has been sidelined with a broken foot). Now take the production of first round draft picks Cadillac Williams and LaMont Jordan. Add all three together. Congrats...you just reached the point total of Eagles RB Brian Westbrook.
Wide Receivers
- Torry Holt is far and away the top scoring WR in the league this year. That is not necessarily surprising. But, guess who is second? T.O.? Only if you get points for trips to the E.R.. Chad Johnson? Only if you get credit for Sportscenter commericals and having a Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man haircut. Wendell Davis? C'mon... Try Reggie Brown.
- Pick a player that you would rather have on your team... Marvin Harrison or Mike Furrey? Hines Ward or Nate Washington? Hines Ward or Drew Carter? Hines Ward or Arnaz Battle? Believe it or not, like Madonna's boobs during her bizanne Marilyn Monroe/ cone bra era each pairing has the same number of points.
- Furrey does, however, have more points than Marvin's teammate Reggie Wayne and Washington, Carter and Battle all have more points than the aforementioned Wesley Snipes. How many of you considered Arnaz Battle in the second round?
- Joey Galloway has not exactly been unstoppable this year with 346 yards and only two TDs, but you have to add the point totals of Ward, Keenan McCardell, Derrick Mason, and Nate Burleson to match Joey's 28 total points.
Tight Ends
- Is Tony Gonzalez still a top-flight tight end? Owen Daniels, Chris Baker, Daniel Wilcox and the other nine TE who have outscored Gonzo in '06 don't think so. My guess is that Herman Edwards would agree.
- Ben Watson was considered the next great tight end entering the season and most "experts" figured that if anyone was likely to storm onto the scene ala Antonio Gates in 2004, it was Watson. Too bad, Watson has been outscored by not only by all of the players listed above, but also by Courtney Alexander, Dan Campbell, George Wrighster, John Gilmore and his own teammate Daniel Graham.
- Watson (7 points) may still be the next great tight end and may someday prove to be another Gates, but so far this season you would need four of him to match Gates modest point total of 28.
Overall
- Donovan McNabb has been far and away the best player in fantasy football this season with 129 points. Tied in second... raise your hand if you said Marc Bulger and the Bears defense with 89 points each and then give Dr. Brown the DeLoren back and throw away the year 2054 sports almanac you picked up while checking to see whether that Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pen you ordered in 1954 ever showed up.
- Most "experts" laugh at the idea of drafting a defense/ special teams high in a draft, but the Bears D/ST has made them all look like fools. Only four RB and two WR have more TD than the Bears' four.
- Finally, off the top of your head... who is the sixth highest overall scorer in fantasy football so far this year? The chances that any of you said the correct answer are about equal to the chances that Sister Mary Francis McDermott is going to hold her retirement party at Chili's (threw you a curve ball there, didn't I?). The answer is Robbie Gould. To get to Gould's total of 72 points, you would have to add the totals of preseason consensus #1 kicker Adam Vinatieri and perennial top-5 kicker Jason Elam and even throw in the 12 points amassed by that sniveling little gnat Martin Gramatica.
Were all these stats boring? Probably... but they are absolutely amazing and prove that it has been an awfully fantasy football strange season. There's your excuse when your team chokes like Edgerrin James and Neil Rackers.
GAME OF THE WEEK
There were a couple of possibilities entering Monday night, but thanks to the Bears' offense's impression of Koren Robinson's battle to kick the habit (talk about a lack of progress), nothing really panned out. How about...
Indiana 31, Iowa 28
Take that Luke Recker. And Steve Alford. And Robert Gallery. And Gene Wilder. And Tom Brokaw. And Ashton Kutcher. And all you fine ladies at the Hooters 22nd Street in Des Moines. I'll pass on picking on you, Dennis Green. You've had a tough enough couple of days as it is.
Tom Arnold also went to Iowa, which may explain a lot.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
- LaDainian Tomlinson (Spanky) with 30 points
I have absolutely no idea why Marty Schottenheimer still had Tomlinson in the game with the Chargers firmly in control in the fourth quarter, but it allowed LT to rush for his fourth TD of the contest. Maybe Schottenheimer is planning on wagering a bundle on Miami Carol City High School next week and was hoping that LT would pull a hammy and have to miss Briscoe High's next game. For those of you not following the fortunes of the Hawks, Briscoe High is now 6-0 on the season.
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Torry Holt (Mr. October) with 25 points (Holt has been far and away the best receiver in football this year. Even in a losing effort -- both for the Rams and Mr. October -- his performance deserves mention)
- Marc Bulger (Short Bus) with 24 points (And who was throwing to Holt? Why Marc Bulger, of course. At least Bulger lead Brian M. to a victory)
- Chicago D/ST (Nickel Slots) with 21 points (Like a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a pair of velvet lined handcuffs, no explanation is necessary here)
LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER
- Rick Mirer (Slappers) with -4 points
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but Burris was terrible. The fact that the Bears overcame Moreno's six turnovers still amazes me. I know that Blake supposedly has moxie and poise in the pocket and Bears fans can only hope that this does not affect Jeff's confidence. Yes, even the greatest quarterbacks in history have suffered through games like the one McNown played on Monday night, but that really does not make me feel any more comfortable about Hartsell's 14-37 performance. Let's put this as simply as we can. Stenstrom sucked.
Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention
- Michael Turner (Prosthetic Legs) with 0 points (Turner had been getting regular carries while games were still in doubt, yet surprisingly received only a single hand off in the Chargers blowout of the 49ers. Who does Schottenheimer think he is? Barry Switzer?)
- Edgerrin James (Mr. October) with 1 point (Although, as a Bears fan, I sort of want to name him an MVP, rather than the other way around. You have to feel at least a little bad for Edge. Running behind the Arizona offensive line is like entering a gun fight with a water pistol. Both ways, you're dead)
- Tony Gonzalez (Shabbit) with 0 points (Listen closely and you might be able to hear Gonzo singing. "Won't you come home Trent Green... Won't you come home?")
BEST COACHING DECISION
- Play Joe Horn (17 pts) and sit Sayers-Payton-Benson (two punches thrown at Thomas Jones) and Leon Washington (2 pts): Who You Crappin
Inside sources tell me that Joe M. struggled with this decision, but ultimately made the right choice. Horn was definitely due given his lack of success thus far this year, but two TDs and 110 yards had to be a surprise.
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Play Marc Bulger (24 pts) and sit Michael Vick (10 pts): Short Bus (As the lifetime president of the Michael Vick Fan Club, I am deeply disappointed in Brian M's decision. I also wish that the Cubs would trade Derrek Lee and Big Z for A.J. Pierzynski and the rights to have Hawk Harrelson in the booth. And I hate Jimmy Buffett.)
- Play Jeff Reed (9 pts) over Lawrence Tynes (1 pt): Prosthetic Legs (With six teams on bye, it is very tough to find good decisions. I'll take the self-pat on the back).
WORST COACHING DECISION
- Play David Carr (0 pts) and sit Jake Delhomme (17): JEB Fins
Brian S. has to be at least a little relieved that the Bears' D/ST exploded for 21 pts Monday night, as the Bears' points made this poor decision essentially irrelevant (if the Bears had not gotten the job done, this choice would have cost Fins at least a tie).
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Robbie Gould (6 pts) and sit Josh Brown (13 pts): Slappers (Kickers are probably the most frustrating players in fantasy football. They are like ordering the daily special at The Golden Panda. There is really no way you can predict what you are going to get).
- Play Rex the Wonder Dog (-329 pts) and sit Steve McNair (-1 pt): Slappers (Okay, so I not really criticizing Todd for sitting a guy who had -1 point, but that fact that he would have been better off playing a guy who went 2-4 for 4 yards and an interception I think proves a point. Better luck in two weeks, Rexy.
I gotta go. I have a sudden desire to do something delightfully tacky... yet unrefined.
*** Did you know that Jodie Foster and James Woods are MENSA members. As is porn star Asia Carrera and, sit down because this may be harder to believe than the fact I actually do go to Hooters for the food, Eric Kuselias and even Mac, Jurko and Harry have got to agree that Thiesmann is better than Kuselias.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The Monday Night Miracle
When I woke up this morning, I was still in an absolute state of shock. Fred and Lamont understandably try to make a little money by throwing a party at the Sanford home and charging admission, but their plans go awry when two local hoodlums show up with a six pack of Olde English 800 and a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry (what were you watching at 9:00? Without a competitive football game to watch, my television was turned to the 'U'). Oh yeah, I also heard something about the Bears actually coming back to win the game against the Arizona Cardinals.
Let's face it... what happened last night in the Valley of the Sun is absolutely mind boggling. I have been on this planet for more than 34 years, have cheered on the likes of Noah Jackson, Mike Tomczak and Glen Kozlowski, have survived living within a 45-square mile radius of Craig Hayward, and honestly do not think that it is hyperbole to say that last night's game may have been the single most amazing Bears' game I have seen. It is still unfathomable to me to think that for 55 minutes of game action the Bears played so poorly that Marian Catholic High School may have had a shot to beat them, yet still managed to find a way to win.
We'll save the RSFC Week-in-Review for tomorrow and focus on the Monday Night Miracle. Some Random Thoughts.
* Here's the understatement of the year... Rex the Wonder Dog played poorly. As you all know by now (unless you simply scan my posts for Jessica Alba and Tampa Bay Buccaneers references and images), I am still not a believer that Rex is the next great NFL quarterback. Yes, I was forced to issue an "apology" to the Wonder Dog after his sensational start to the season, but let me remind you that it is I who has constantly cautioned everyone that Rex has been the beneficiary of an awful lot of dropped would be interceptions so far this year. And last night he added not just abhorrent decision making to his repetoire, but consistently abhorrent decision making. What can I say? I believe in telling it like it is. Henry Burris may not have been an upgrade, but he sure could not have done any worse.
* And the scary thing is that it was evident in the first eight minutes of the game that Rex was headed for disaster. Raise your hand if I called you in the first quarter and suggested that, if Lovie was serious about winning the game, he should replace Rex immediately (okay, "thewife" and "I'mallinonthefirsthandTom," you can both put your hand down now). And if not for the phenomenol efforts of the defense, the the Bears no no chance. Zero.
* Thank goodness for Devin Hester's punt return for the game winning TD. I firmly believe that there was no way that Sexy Rexy would have lead the team to a score if he had been asked to do so with a little under three minutes to play. In fact, I was screaming at the TV when I saw that the Wonder Dog was warming up to take the field. Look, I'm not interested in protecting anyone's psyche or making sure that one's confidence remains intact. Carlos Zambrano is a great pitcher (see, I do remember who the Cubs are) but if Big Z gives up two hits and seven walks in the first inning, you calmly walk to the mound, take the ball, pat him on his considerable butt, and bring in someone else (and then someone else... and then someone else... and then someone else). The key is to win the game and Rex was not prepared to give the Bears' that opportunity last night. In my mind, Griese should have played.
* Let me try and sum up Rex's night for those of you who watched both the 9:00 and 9:30 episodes of Sanford and Son before heading to bed... Remember that electonic vibrating football game that everyone wanted when they were a kid? Remember the litle foam ball and, to throw a pass, you were supposed to cock (ease up there Todd) the QB's arm back and let fly? Remember how no matter how hard you tried the "ball" either fell straight down or flew 400 feet into the fish tank? Now, you get the picture.
* I think I may have even seen Muhsin Muhammed uncontrollably spinning around in a circle and Jason McKie run straight to the sideline and then run in place for two minutes.
* Rex was terrible and the rest of the offense was not much better. Precisely how bad was the offense? ESPN will tell you that the most amazing stat of the night is the fact that in the final 22 minutes of the game, the Bears amassed a total of 39 yards and had two turnovers, yet were able to erase a 20-point lead. Let that sink in for a moment.
* Yes, that is amazing, but not as amazing as this... the Bears entered the game having scored the most points in the NFL. Yet, the Bears offense (I am crediting the offense for the field goal which was technically scored by the special teams), was outscored by the CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS offense 5-3. The Chicago Blackhawks.
* Speaking of the Blackhawks (a quick digression ain't going to kill any of you), Random Thoughts Ring-of-Honor commenter "Bearister" notes that the Blackhawks are now 3-2 and it is the first time the team has been above .500 this late in the season since Maurice Clarett was wearing an Ohio State uniform rather than an orange jumpsuit and before America annexed its newest territory... the land here-on-out to be known as Bushville or Rumsfeldington Estates.
* It has been so long since the Blackhawks were over .500 this far into the season, there is not a single player on the team now that was one the team when it last happened on February 17, 2003. No verification on whether most of the guys from that team are now working at Igor's Furry Hats and Vodka emporium on Moscow's fashionable west side.
* Final score from Monday night... Martynas Andriuskevicius 11, Chicago Bears' offense 3. Yes... it was that bad. And, yes, I will have some cabbages.
* By the way, the promos lie. The 'U' hasn't got it. I mean, Saved By the Bell still rocks and it is always nice to see Tiffani Amber Thiessen before she set out to set the record for most Ho Ho's eaten in a five year stretch and South Park will always be hilarious, but I'll pass on Malcom and Eddie and the Steve Harvey Show. Judge Mathis' verdict is in. Your station sucks.
* Bet you wish you had followed my gambling advice, eh? By the time the game started the line had soared to 14 points. Shoot, you could have bought that "Whatever Happened to Felix Pee-Ay" t-shirt that you have been coveting. I will admit, however, that I was wrong about Rex when I wrote that he would throw one pick that would cost the Bears. Like Sears Roebuck when they gave Dustin Diamond a platinum card, I gave him way too much credit.
* Like I said earlier, it is a good thing that Devin Hester ran back the punt given my complete lack of faith in Wonder Dog's ability to lead the team to a touchdown. By the way, did anyone notice that he was playing defensive back on the Cardinals' final drive?
* Speaking of defensive backs... looks like Kerry Wood, er Mark Prior er Tuomo Ruttuu er Mike Brown is hurt again. What's more suprising, Brown suffering a leg injury or T.O. acting like an ass?
* As long as we are talking about the defense, I have been moderately critical of Brian Urlacher at times in the past. Well, good ol' #54 simply took over the game in the 4th quarter and should be the NFL defensive player of the week. I don't know if Brian's post game claims that he was not being blocked are true, but I do know that he was all over the field and made almost every play in the crucial moments of the game. When all was said and done, the NFL officially credited him with 18 tackles and the key forced fumble. Of course, the Bears official stats probably credited him with 74 tackles.
* The forced fumble was probably the biggest play of the game. And to think it was the first time that Edgerrin James has fumbled in a full year. Of course, last year, he spent his fourth quarters sitting on the sidelines looking for John Mellencamp and Larry Bird in the RCA Dome stands. This year, he spends his fourth quarters trying to convince himself that the sun and mini-skirts of Arizona are worth it.
* James' stat line (36 carries, 55 yards) is being talked about a lot given that no player in NFL history has ever rushed for fewer yards on so many touches. Of course, when you take out his second half 12-yard scamper, he rushed for 43 yards on 35 carries. Wow!
* Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson could have done that. And, although it is not easy for me to say this, given Thomas Jones' indecisiveness and lack of production, he should have been given an oppotunitsgdhf. Crap, supporting more playing time for Ced Ben is tough for me to do. He should have gotten to planhgdjdf. Bear with me, people. I'm trying. He should have been given the balftyriss. Never mind.
* The U.S. government announced this morning that the U.S. population has now reached 300 million people. Judging by Dennis Green's post game "comments," I'd say that 299,999,999 people had a better night.
* Yes, Dennis the Bears are the Bears. Glad to see you figured that out. Wouldn't you have been suprised if they turned out to be the Oakland Raiders? Of course, for the first three quarters they kind of were. What's this about crowning their ass, though? Do you want to play checkers or is that something that you and Mrs. Green do after a night watching Heida the Happy Ghetto Ho-Bag on The Hot Network.
* C'mon though, you had to be at least a little suprised to learn that Rex Grossman was Michael Vick.
* While I question (and disagree with) Lovie's decision not to play Griese and Sayers-Payton-Benson, I understand his thinking. Some of his other coaching decisions were brutal, though (i.e.: the stupid on-side kick and the brillant decision to run an inside handoff to McKie on first and goal from the five yard line) and he was thoroughly outcoached by Green in the first half. Green had Matt Leinart well-prepared and his use of the shotgun gave the rookie plenty of time to deliver the ball. Further, the wide receiver screen and short out-pattern were extremely effective given the Bears' apparent unwillingness to make a fundamental tackle in the first half (and Anquan Boldin is a monster, by the way). Yet, Green apparently borrowed Dave Wannstedt's brain at halftime and decided to run the ball the majority of the second half. Can we please get him back in the NFL North?
* I am finally willing to give Tony Kornheiser an official thumbs up for his work in the Monday Night Booth as long as he is not telling us about his fantasy team and how he cut Donovan McNabb. He knows the game, is witty and add a lot to the broadcast. He is more than willing to call Joe Theismann out on his all-too-frequent contradictory statements (for the record, I like Thiesmann and do not understand all the hatred on the M,J & H, show) and brings comic relief. His best moments of last night's game include when he questioned why the replay review of the Vasher interception/non-interception (I thought you had to have conclusive evidence to overturn a call) was taking five minutes when there is supposed to be a 90-second time limit. When Thiesmann noted that the replay monitor only works for 90 seconds, Kornheiser asked whether you can put a quarter in the machine to get an extra 15 seconds. His other best moment was when he suggsted that if the Cardinals blew the game (when up 23-10 with the ball with under six minutes to go) they should close up the stadium and turn it into a pizza joint.
* Mmmmmm....pizza.
* Finally, first Indiana knocks off the Illini on a last second field goal. Then the number two ranked player in the 2007 recruiting class announces that he will renege on his Illinois "commitment" and attend IU. Then Illinois loses a home game to MAC "power" Ohio. Then the 24th ranked women's soccer team loses to unranked Michigan 2-1. Then Deron Williams scores only 2 points in 19 minutes on 1-6 shooting in the Jazz' 90-85 preseason loss to Detroit. Then Brandon Lloyd only manages one catch in the Redskins' home loss to Tennessee (his season total for those of you scoring at home is now a whopping seven catches) and trips on his ego on the way to the lockeroom. Then Simeon Rice fails to record a sack. Then Kurt Kittner drops a tray of dishes on his way back to the kitchen at Denny's and has the money taken out of his check. Then Lucas Johnson is scolded for bothering the other children at naptime. Then Andy Kaufmann's cardboard box is hit by a Yugo and is completely destroyed. Then Kam's runs out of Busch Light Draft. And finally, Neil Rackers misses a 40-yard game winning field goal.
Call it the Curse of Eric Gordon.
Go Bears!
Let's face it... what happened last night in the Valley of the Sun is absolutely mind boggling. I have been on this planet for more than 34 years, have cheered on the likes of Noah Jackson, Mike Tomczak and Glen Kozlowski, have survived living within a 45-square mile radius of Craig Hayward, and honestly do not think that it is hyperbole to say that last night's game may have been the single most amazing Bears' game I have seen. It is still unfathomable to me to think that for 55 minutes of game action the Bears played so poorly that Marian Catholic High School may have had a shot to beat them, yet still managed to find a way to win.
We'll save the RSFC Week-in-Review for tomorrow and focus on the Monday Night Miracle. Some Random Thoughts.
* Here's the understatement of the year... Rex the Wonder Dog played poorly. As you all know by now (unless you simply scan my posts for Jessica Alba and Tampa Bay Buccaneers references and images), I am still not a believer that Rex is the next great NFL quarterback. Yes, I was forced to issue an "apology" to the Wonder Dog after his sensational start to the season, but let me remind you that it is I who has constantly cautioned everyone that Rex has been the beneficiary of an awful lot of dropped would be interceptions so far this year. And last night he added not just abhorrent decision making to his repetoire, but consistently abhorrent decision making. What can I say? I believe in telling it like it is. Henry Burris may not have been an upgrade, but he sure could not have done any worse.
* And the scary thing is that it was evident in the first eight minutes of the game that Rex was headed for disaster. Raise your hand if I called you in the first quarter and suggested that, if Lovie was serious about winning the game, he should replace Rex immediately (okay, "thewife" and "I'mallinonthefirsthandTom," you can both put your hand down now). And if not for the phenomenol efforts of the defense, the the Bears no no chance. Zero.
* Thank goodness for Devin Hester's punt return for the game winning TD. I firmly believe that there was no way that Sexy Rexy would have lead the team to a score if he had been asked to do so with a little under three minutes to play. In fact, I was screaming at the TV when I saw that the Wonder Dog was warming up to take the field. Look, I'm not interested in protecting anyone's psyche or making sure that one's confidence remains intact. Carlos Zambrano is a great pitcher (see, I do remember who the Cubs are) but if Big Z gives up two hits and seven walks in the first inning, you calmly walk to the mound, take the ball, pat him on his considerable butt, and bring in someone else (and then someone else... and then someone else... and then someone else). The key is to win the game and Rex was not prepared to give the Bears' that opportunity last night. In my mind, Griese should have played.
* Let me try and sum up Rex's night for those of you who watched both the 9:00 and 9:30 episodes of Sanford and Son before heading to bed... Remember that electonic vibrating football game that everyone wanted when they were a kid? Remember the litle foam ball and, to throw a pass, you were supposed to cock (ease up there Todd) the QB's arm back and let fly? Remember how no matter how hard you tried the "ball" either fell straight down or flew 400 feet into the fish tank? Now, you get the picture.
* I think I may have even seen Muhsin Muhammed uncontrollably spinning around in a circle and Jason McKie run straight to the sideline and then run in place for two minutes.
* Rex was terrible and the rest of the offense was not much better. Precisely how bad was the offense? ESPN will tell you that the most amazing stat of the night is the fact that in the final 22 minutes of the game, the Bears amassed a total of 39 yards and had two turnovers, yet were able to erase a 20-point lead. Let that sink in for a moment.
* Yes, that is amazing, but not as amazing as this... the Bears entered the game having scored the most points in the NFL. Yet, the Bears offense (I am crediting the offense for the field goal which was technically scored by the special teams), was outscored by the CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS offense 5-3. The Chicago Blackhawks.
* Speaking of the Blackhawks (a quick digression ain't going to kill any of you), Random Thoughts Ring-of-Honor commenter "Bearister" notes that the Blackhawks are now 3-2 and it is the first time the team has been above .500 this late in the season since Maurice Clarett was wearing an Ohio State uniform rather than an orange jumpsuit and before America annexed its newest territory... the land here-on-out to be known as Bushville or Rumsfeldington Estates.
* It has been so long since the Blackhawks were over .500 this far into the season, there is not a single player on the team now that was one the team when it last happened on February 17, 2003. No verification on whether most of the guys from that team are now working at Igor's Furry Hats and Vodka emporium on Moscow's fashionable west side.
* Final score from Monday night... Martynas Andriuskevicius 11, Chicago Bears' offense 3. Yes... it was that bad. And, yes, I will have some cabbages.
* By the way, the promos lie. The 'U' hasn't got it. I mean, Saved By the Bell still rocks and it is always nice to see Tiffani Amber Thiessen before she set out to set the record for most Ho Ho's eaten in a five year stretch and South Park will always be hilarious, but I'll pass on Malcom and Eddie and the Steve Harvey Show. Judge Mathis' verdict is in. Your station sucks.
* Bet you wish you had followed my gambling advice, eh? By the time the game started the line had soared to 14 points. Shoot, you could have bought that "Whatever Happened to Felix Pee-Ay" t-shirt that you have been coveting. I will admit, however, that I was wrong about Rex when I wrote that he would throw one pick that would cost the Bears. Like Sears Roebuck when they gave Dustin Diamond a platinum card, I gave him way too much credit.
* Like I said earlier, it is a good thing that Devin Hester ran back the punt given my complete lack of faith in Wonder Dog's ability to lead the team to a touchdown. By the way, did anyone notice that he was playing defensive back on the Cardinals' final drive?
* Speaking of defensive backs... looks like Kerry Wood, er Mark Prior er Tuomo Ruttuu er Mike Brown is hurt again. What's more suprising, Brown suffering a leg injury or T.O. acting like an ass?
* As long as we are talking about the defense, I have been moderately critical of Brian Urlacher at times in the past. Well, good ol' #54 simply took over the game in the 4th quarter and should be the NFL defensive player of the week. I don't know if Brian's post game claims that he was not being blocked are true, but I do know that he was all over the field and made almost every play in the crucial moments of the game. When all was said and done, the NFL officially credited him with 18 tackles and the key forced fumble. Of course, the Bears official stats probably credited him with 74 tackles.
* The forced fumble was probably the biggest play of the game. And to think it was the first time that Edgerrin James has fumbled in a full year. Of course, last year, he spent his fourth quarters sitting on the sidelines looking for John Mellencamp and Larry Bird in the RCA Dome stands. This year, he spends his fourth quarters trying to convince himself that the sun and mini-skirts of Arizona are worth it.
* James' stat line (36 carries, 55 yards) is being talked about a lot given that no player in NFL history has ever rushed for fewer yards on so many touches. Of course, when you take out his second half 12-yard scamper, he rushed for 43 yards on 35 carries. Wow!
* Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson could have done that. And, although it is not easy for me to say this, given Thomas Jones' indecisiveness and lack of production, he should have been given an oppotunitsgdhf. Crap, supporting more playing time for Ced Ben is tough for me to do. He should have gotten to planhgdjdf. Bear with me, people. I'm trying. He should have been given the balftyriss. Never mind.
* The U.S. government announced this morning that the U.S. population has now reached 300 million people. Judging by Dennis Green's post game "comments," I'd say that 299,999,999 people had a better night.
* Yes, Dennis the Bears are the Bears. Glad to see you figured that out. Wouldn't you have been suprised if they turned out to be the Oakland Raiders? Of course, for the first three quarters they kind of were. What's this about crowning their ass, though? Do you want to play checkers or is that something that you and Mrs. Green do after a night watching Heida the Happy Ghetto Ho-Bag on The Hot Network.
* C'mon though, you had to be at least a little suprised to learn that Rex Grossman was Michael Vick.
* While I question (and disagree with) Lovie's decision not to play Griese and Sayers-Payton-Benson, I understand his thinking. Some of his other coaching decisions were brutal, though (i.e.: the stupid on-side kick and the brillant decision to run an inside handoff to McKie on first and goal from the five yard line) and he was thoroughly outcoached by Green in the first half. Green had Matt Leinart well-prepared and his use of the shotgun gave the rookie plenty of time to deliver the ball. Further, the wide receiver screen and short out-pattern were extremely effective given the Bears' apparent unwillingness to make a fundamental tackle in the first half (and Anquan Boldin is a monster, by the way). Yet, Green apparently borrowed Dave Wannstedt's brain at halftime and decided to run the ball the majority of the second half. Can we please get him back in the NFL North?
* I am finally willing to give Tony Kornheiser an official thumbs up for his work in the Monday Night Booth as long as he is not telling us about his fantasy team and how he cut Donovan McNabb. He knows the game, is witty and add a lot to the broadcast. He is more than willing to call Joe Theismann out on his all-too-frequent contradictory statements (for the record, I like Thiesmann and do not understand all the hatred on the M,J & H, show) and brings comic relief. His best moments of last night's game include when he questioned why the replay review of the Vasher interception/non-interception (I thought you had to have conclusive evidence to overturn a call) was taking five minutes when there is supposed to be a 90-second time limit. When Thiesmann noted that the replay monitor only works for 90 seconds, Kornheiser asked whether you can put a quarter in the machine to get an extra 15 seconds. His other best moment was when he suggsted that if the Cardinals blew the game (when up 23-10 with the ball with under six minutes to go) they should close up the stadium and turn it into a pizza joint.
* Mmmmmm....pizza.
* Finally, first Indiana knocks off the Illini on a last second field goal. Then the number two ranked player in the 2007 recruiting class announces that he will renege on his Illinois "commitment" and attend IU. Then Illinois loses a home game to MAC "power" Ohio. Then the 24th ranked women's soccer team loses to unranked Michigan 2-1. Then Deron Williams scores only 2 points in 19 minutes on 1-6 shooting in the Jazz' 90-85 preseason loss to Detroit. Then Brandon Lloyd only manages one catch in the Redskins' home loss to Tennessee (his season total for those of you scoring at home is now a whopping seven catches) and trips on his ego on the way to the lockeroom. Then Simeon Rice fails to record a sack. Then Kurt Kittner drops a tray of dishes on his way back to the kitchen at Denny's and has the money taken out of his check. Then Lucas Johnson is scolded for bothering the other children at naptime. Then Andy Kaufmann's cardboard box is hit by a Yugo and is completely destroyed. Then Kam's runs out of Busch Light Draft. And finally, Neil Rackers misses a 40-yard game winning field goal.
Call it the Curse of Eric Gordon.
Go Bears!
Monday, October 16, 2006
My Past Posts Were Great, So That Must Mean...
As many of you know, I have placed a "hidden" counter on the site to track the number of hits that the RT gets on a daily basis. All, I can say is... you like me. You really like me.
Thanks!
Anyway, I really do not have time to post today, but since the RT has apparently become part of your daily lives, I will share with you a couple of really quick thoughts. Hopefully, I will have the time to return to posting on a daily basis in the future (just for the record, I am shooting for tomorrow to return to the RT's regular schedule..., but will remain a game time decision).
* The Bears look to go 6-o tonight and should make quick work of the Cardinals, but WBBM 670 AM has a word of caution. The fine folks at the Bears' flagship want to make sure that everyone knows that the Bears are 6-21 on the road in Monday Night Football games. I'm not sure how the fact that Mike Hartenstein may have missed a tackle on Earl Campbell in a 1983 game at the Astrodome or that Lewis Tillman played a horrible 1994 game at Lambeau because he was told right before the game that his baby sister was seen the night before drinking Long Island Iced Teas with Marc Chmura affects Brian Urlacher, Rex the Wonder Dog and friends, but I'd thought I'd pass along the information.
* I'm often amazed at how past results are readily cited to predict the outcome of games. If there is anything that Speed 2 taught us, it is that Jason Patric's career hit its high point with Sleepers. Oh yeah, that and past results mean almost nothing when the game starts.
* Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson got all the pub after his two-TD performance last week, but Thomas Jones still averaged more yards per carry versus the Bills. Still, it ought to be interesting to see whether he gets more touches tonight when the game is still in doubt. If Angelo and Lovie are serious about making Cedric the feature back, you have to imagine they will try and capitalize on last week's "success" and give Ced a chance to shine.
* I think Leinart is going to have a better game than most imagine. After all, instead of paying attention and learning on the sidelines like he was supposed to, he spent the first couple of games looking at catalogs for infant carriers and pack-and-plays. Good thing, too. Learning how to play quarterback from the 20o6 version of Kurt Warner is like learning how to play team basketball from Jamal Crawford and Stephon Marbury.
* That said, Bears 27, Cardinals 17. If you can get 10.5, take the points. Rex is good for a pick tonight that will cost the Bears.
* Don't worry Kiwane Garris fans. I am sure that you are going to love Demetri McCamey and whatever hicks Coach Orange Jacket pulls out of the weeds.
* I'd make fun of Iowa, but I don't think I know anyone who went to Iowa. If B.J. Armstrong or Brad Lohaus is reading this.... your football team sucks! Sometimes RT reader/ commenter "Krivo" or "Tom" or "Dominic's Daddy" called on Saturday to make sure that I was watching the game. Upon hearing that IU was actually beating the 15th ranked Hawkeyes, my immediate response was "Is Eric Gordon playing?"
* What a great weekend to be a Hoosier!
* Jessica Alba waking into a room wearing only a pair of black leather, knee-high boots and her navel ring. Some habits die hard.
* C'mon back Todd... you can make it at least two more minutes without having to run off. Just engrain the image in your head and use it later.
* Glad to see that Larry Coker has changed the image of Thug U., huh? Exactly how many minutes of a normal two-hour Miami practice is dedicated to teaching the fine art of stomping on a guys chest*** and how to use your helmet as a weapon? I have to admit that I did not realize that Albert Haynesworth had college eligibility left or that he was spending his free time in south Florida. And that guy with the crutch? Give him credit for being resourceful.
* In all seriousness, a number of the guys who were involved in the Miami-Florida International fight should be suspended for the rest of the season. I don't care how ugly the verbal taunting was getting (I don't even care if Dwayne Wayne and Sidney Dean call your mother an astronaut), nothing gives you the right to act like a common criminal on the football field.
* And finally... all raise your glass. A toast. Thing Two is going to the World Series.
* The Cubs? Who in the heck are the Cubs?
***Today's Sports Trivia Question: It's been a while. We will start of with a layup... What famous college basketball player intentionally stomped on the chest of Kentucky's Aminu Timberlake in the 1992 NCAA Tournament (and did not receive a suspension)?
Thanks!
Anyway, I really do not have time to post today, but since the RT has apparently become part of your daily lives, I will share with you a couple of really quick thoughts. Hopefully, I will have the time to return to posting on a daily basis in the future (just for the record, I am shooting for tomorrow to return to the RT's regular schedule..., but will remain a game time decision).
* The Bears look to go 6-o tonight and should make quick work of the Cardinals, but WBBM 670 AM has a word of caution. The fine folks at the Bears' flagship want to make sure that everyone knows that the Bears are 6-21 on the road in Monday Night Football games. I'm not sure how the fact that Mike Hartenstein may have missed a tackle on Earl Campbell in a 1983 game at the Astrodome or that Lewis Tillman played a horrible 1994 game at Lambeau because he was told right before the game that his baby sister was seen the night before drinking Long Island Iced Teas with Marc Chmura affects Brian Urlacher, Rex the Wonder Dog and friends, but I'd thought I'd pass along the information.
* I'm often amazed at how past results are readily cited to predict the outcome of games. If there is anything that Speed 2 taught us, it is that Jason Patric's career hit its high point with Sleepers. Oh yeah, that and past results mean almost nothing when the game starts.
* Cedric Sayers-Payton-Benson got all the pub after his two-TD performance last week, but Thomas Jones still averaged more yards per carry versus the Bills. Still, it ought to be interesting to see whether he gets more touches tonight when the game is still in doubt. If Angelo and Lovie are serious about making Cedric the feature back, you have to imagine they will try and capitalize on last week's "success" and give Ced a chance to shine.
* I think Leinart is going to have a better game than most imagine. After all, instead of paying attention and learning on the sidelines like he was supposed to, he spent the first couple of games looking at catalogs for infant carriers and pack-and-plays. Good thing, too. Learning how to play quarterback from the 20o6 version of Kurt Warner is like learning how to play team basketball from Jamal Crawford and Stephon Marbury.
* That said, Bears 27, Cardinals 17. If you can get 10.5, take the points. Rex is good for a pick tonight that will cost the Bears.
* Don't worry Kiwane Garris fans. I am sure that you are going to love Demetri McCamey and whatever hicks Coach Orange Jacket pulls out of the weeds.
* I'd make fun of Iowa, but I don't think I know anyone who went to Iowa. If B.J. Armstrong or Brad Lohaus is reading this.... your football team sucks! Sometimes RT reader/ commenter "Krivo" or "Tom" or "Dominic's Daddy" called on Saturday to make sure that I was watching the game. Upon hearing that IU was actually beating the 15th ranked Hawkeyes, my immediate response was "Is Eric Gordon playing?"
* What a great weekend to be a Hoosier!
* Jessica Alba waking into a room wearing only a pair of black leather, knee-high boots and her navel ring. Some habits die hard.
* C'mon back Todd... you can make it at least two more minutes without having to run off. Just engrain the image in your head and use it later.
* Glad to see that Larry Coker has changed the image of Thug U., huh? Exactly how many minutes of a normal two-hour Miami practice is dedicated to teaching the fine art of stomping on a guys chest*** and how to use your helmet as a weapon? I have to admit that I did not realize that Albert Haynesworth had college eligibility left or that he was spending his free time in south Florida. And that guy with the crutch? Give him credit for being resourceful.
* In all seriousness, a number of the guys who were involved in the Miami-Florida International fight should be suspended for the rest of the season. I don't care how ugly the verbal taunting was getting (I don't even care if Dwayne Wayne and Sidney Dean call your mother an astronaut), nothing gives you the right to act like a common criminal on the football field.
* And finally... all raise your glass. A toast. Thing Two is going to the World Series.
* The Cubs? Who in the heck are the Cubs?
***Today's Sports Trivia Question: It's been a while. We will start of with a layup... What famous college basketball player intentionally stomped on the chest of Kentucky's Aminu Timberlake in the 1992 NCAA Tournament (and did not receive a suspension)?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I'm Sorry
Now that I am back in the office after last week's convention, I am waaaaaay behind the eight-ball. That said, I do not think that there will be any new posts this week. I simply do not have the time.
Please return to the RT next week when I pledge to be back (I'm on my knees begging here).
As always, I really appreciate everyone's support of the RT. THANK YOU.
--- RSFC Members: I will try and post an extremely abbreviated WIR on the league home page at some point today.
Please return to the RT next week when I pledge to be back (I'm on my knees begging here).
As always, I really appreciate everyone's support of the RT. THANK YOU.
--- RSFC Members: I will try and post an extremely abbreviated WIR on the league home page at some point today.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Come On Down to McCormick Place and Check Out the Latest Brooms!
Rex the Wonder Dog... I am sorry.
What else really needs to be said?
Unfortunately, it is time once again for ISSA's annual convention and, therefore, over the next five days, I will be either working or incredibly drunk. Either way, I will not be able to post until next Monday (October 9). That means two very important things: (1) you will have to go a whole week without access to my Random Sports Thoughts and without seeing a reference to Punky Brewster or Barry Foote; and (2) this will be your only warning that you now have less than a week to shop for RT reader "Parrotmama's" birthday, which happens to be on the 9th. She loves penguins, Swarovski crystal and early 1980's DePaul memorabilia. So if you happen to come across a Marty Embry autographed basketball, Lemone Lampley's used practice jersey or Tony Jackson's anchor necklace...
She has also been desperately seeking a photo of Dallas Comegys sitting on a Cincinnati curb and absolutely anything that has to do with Ken Stout and Sam Manella.
RSFC readers: Tom will guest write the WIR this week (either tomorrow or Wednesday) and it will be posted on the league home page. My only contribution is: I hate Brett Favre.
See you next week. Please be sure to come back to the RT for my wrap-up of the Chicago baseball season, my thoughts on the Bears and the rest of the NFL, and an in-depth discussion about why new Blackhawks' winger Martin Havlat reminds me of Jo from the Facts of Life. Okay, I made that last one up.
May photos of the official RT cheerleaders from Tampa Bay and the knee-high boots/ navel ring image of Jessica Alba get you through the next week. See you next Monday and thank you for your continued support of the RT. I really appreciate it.
The official RT postseason baseball picks:
Division Series
Yankees over Tigers in 3
Twins over A's in 5
Mets over Dodgers in 4
Padres over Cardinals in 5
Championship Series
Yankees over Twins in 5
Mets over Padres in 7
United States and Two Cities in Canada Series
Yankees over Mets in 6
What else really needs to be said?
Unfortunately, it is time once again for ISSA's annual convention and, therefore, over the next five days, I will be either working or incredibly drunk. Either way, I will not be able to post until next Monday (October 9). That means two very important things: (1) you will have to go a whole week without access to my Random Sports Thoughts and without seeing a reference to Punky Brewster or Barry Foote; and (2) this will be your only warning that you now have less than a week to shop for RT reader "Parrotmama's" birthday, which happens to be on the 9th. She loves penguins, Swarovski crystal and early 1980's DePaul memorabilia. So if you happen to come across a Marty Embry autographed basketball, Lemone Lampley's used practice jersey or Tony Jackson's anchor necklace...
She has also been desperately seeking a photo of Dallas Comegys sitting on a Cincinnati curb and absolutely anything that has to do with Ken Stout and Sam Manella.
RSFC readers: Tom will guest write the WIR this week (either tomorrow or Wednesday) and it will be posted on the league home page. My only contribution is: I hate Brett Favre.
See you next week. Please be sure to come back to the RT for my wrap-up of the Chicago baseball season, my thoughts on the Bears and the rest of the NFL, and an in-depth discussion about why new Blackhawks' winger Martin Havlat reminds me of Jo from the Facts of Life. Okay, I made that last one up.
May photos of the official RT cheerleaders from Tampa Bay and the knee-high boots/ navel ring image of Jessica Alba get you through the next week. See you next Monday and thank you for your continued support of the RT. I really appreciate it.
The official RT postseason baseball picks:
Division Series
Yankees over Tigers in 3
Twins over A's in 5
Mets over Dodgers in 4
Padres over Cardinals in 5
Championship Series
Yankees over Twins in 5
Mets over Padres in 7
United States and Two Cities in Canada Series
Yankees over Mets in 6
Friday, September 29, 2006
Maybe The Would Also Be Better With Rabih Abdullah in the Backfield
One hundred and seventeen posts later, there are still things about me that most readers of the Random Thoughts do not know. For example, I once dated a Chicago Wolves "cheerleader" (she had the kind of a body that you see in bikini ads, but the kind of head that you usually find in the high security section of the neighborhood mental institution. Hey! Who just said "that explains things?"), I was an original taste case study for Skittles (and was the only kid in the group that did not like them), and once attended a Whitney Houston concert (alas, she wore a long-sleeved blouse and you could not see the needle marks). But, there are also a lot of things that, thanks to almost nine months of, at times, unintelligible drivel, you do know about me.
For instance, you all know that I will not be sending holiday cards to A.J. Pierzynski or Hawk and will not be inviting Colin Montgomerie to the house for tea and crumpets. You all know that I think the media knows about as much about college basketball as Helen Keller knew about what the meadow beind her Alabama house looked like. And everyone is well aware that I would love to personally see Jessica Alba in a nice summer sun dress. And Jessica Alba in a denim miniskirt and halter top. And Jessica Alba in the outfit featured on page 69 of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. And, yes, Jessica Alba wearing, say it with me..., nothing but her navel ring and a pair of knee-high black leather boots (the greatest single image in the history of the RT).
And, of course, you all know that I am not yet sold on Rex the Wonder Dog as the next, er... as the first truly great quarterback of the Chicago Bears.
But even I had to make sure that I was not watching Comedy Central when former Chicago Tribune columnist and current ESPN personality Skip Bayless stated that the Bears would be a better team if Kyle the Bearded Wonder was the team's quarterback. How about a little angel dust with your morning java, Skip?
I know that sports columnists, analysts and others occasionally say things merely for shock value, but are you kidding me? It is one thing to simply be a moron who actually believes that Devin Hester is the most important addition to the Bears' roster since the team drafted Walter Payton in the 1975 NFL Draft** (read: Harry Teinowitz), but quite another to claim that the Bears would have more success with Orton under center. I can only wonder what else Bayless thinks. That Gopherball Glendon truly was the better choice to be the Cubs' #2 starter to open the season than fellow 160-year old lefty free-agent Kenny Rogers? That Tyson Chandler is a better building block for the future than Elton Brand? That Van Halen is a better band with Gary Cherone at the mic? That George Lazenby is the one and only true James Bond?*** That going to see a Styx tribute band headline Rockford's WhyintheHeckdoWeLiveinRockfordfest is better than seeing the real band share the bill with Supertramp at Holiday Star Plaza Theatre because Dennis DeYoung has a little trouble these days hitting the high note on "Come Sail Away?"
Look, just substitute Eric Cartman as the lead singer for that one song and let poor Dennis catch his breath before retaking the stage and wowing us with Lady, Mr. Roboto, and Don't Let it End. The best of times, indeed.
Skip, there is no point in making stupid comments just to try to sound controversial. In most cases, you just wind up sounding like an idiot. Try to remember, like Jennifer Lopez' clothing line, the Kyle Orton experiment officially ran its course in 2005. And, like Olivia Newton John's clothing line... it ain't coming back anytime soon.
* Albert Pujols... meet Ernie Banks. Scott Rolen... meet Ron Santo. Chris Carpenter... meet Ken Holtzman. Scott Spiezio... meet Al Spangler. Fredbird... meet Ronnie Woo Woo. Now that everyone has been introduced, let me officially welcome all of you to today's meeting of the CCC, the Colossal Collapse Club.
It is almost unfathomable that the St. Louis Cardinals had an 8.5 game lead on the Houston Astros on September 20, and now have only a one-half game lead as we enter the final week of the season. For those of you keeping score at home, no team in the history of baseball has ever blown a lead greater than 6.5 games in the month of September. The Cardinals are trying to toss away an 8.5 game lead in under two weeks.
And you know what? After reading the New York Times bestseller "3 Nights in August," I could not be happier (well, maybe if I was Bob from the Enzyte commericals who was mentioned in yesterday's RT. Man, that guy looks like Peter after learning that he had been named the new columnist of the school paper). For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it was written by Buzz Bissinger (the author of Friday Night Lights, among other works) and tells the story of Cardinals' manager Tony LaRussa within the context of a three-game series in 2003 against the Cubs. In the book, LaRussa comes across as arrogant, self-absorbed and altogether annoying. Memo to Bissinger... (1) Surprise, surprise... the Cardinals are not the only team in baseball that charts pitches and uses video; (2) not every Cardinal player rescues cats out of trees, bakes yummy smiley-face cookies and reads to sick children in the hospital on off days; (3) not every Cubs player bashes cats' heads with frying fans and burns down trees, bakes arsenic laced brownies, and reads graphically distubing novels to prison inmates on their off days (Roberto Novoa and Ryan The Riot...maybe, but certainly not all); and (4) Albert Pujols may be good, but he is not the good lord's single greatest creation.
(Regardless of my statements above, I encourage all of you to read the book because it does offer an interesting study of the innner-workings of baseball. That said, if you are a Cubs' fan, you will probably walk away a tad bit annoyed with the portrayals in the book).
Anyway, the really interesting thing involves whether the Cardinals will have to play a make-up game against the Giants on Monday afternoon. If the Cards and Astros are separated by one-half game either way at the end of play on Sunday, then the Giants will have to hop on a plane, fly to middle America and play a suddenly meaningful (for St. Louis at least) game at Busch Stadium on Monday. If nothing else, this is likely to completely mess with the Giants' players schedules. Expecting the season to officially end on Sunday, I am awfully sure that the San Francisco players have plans for early next week that they do not want to cancel.
For example, think of poor Moises. The poor guy will have to postpone his plans to empty his piss bucket and shop for some hand sanitizer. Not to mention the fact that he will have to cancel him meeting with Einstein Jones (the greatest nickname since Peter annointed himself "Scoop?") to pen the 2nd edition of Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning. Shortstop Omal Vizquel will have to delay his pay-per-view Hell in a Cell match with former teammate Jose Mesa. And of course, Barry Bonds will have to save for another day his plans to buy flowers for Bud Selig, his teammates, and the media and will have to postpone his planned trip to the Steroid clinic, I mean the sewing store. Yeah, the sewing store.
All kidding aside, I know that it will be incredibly inconvenient, but, should the Giants have to play the game on Monday, they better put forth their best effort. A real pitcher better be on the mound, Ray Durham better be at second base, Moises better put aside his plans to teepee Steve Stone's house and man right field, and Barry better put down his hypodermic... I mean his sewing needle and play left. Otherwise, what's the point? To a certain extent, the integrity of baseball is dependent on it.
* Wait a minute, Roger Clemens is on the Astros isn't he? The pompous Roger Clemens versus the pompous Tony LaRussa. Huh. And one has to win the NL Central and make the playoffs. Oh man. Go Padres.
* The Mets have announced that they will not have the services of "ace" Pedro Martinez in the upcoming playoffs. This is really bad news for a pitching staff that will now need to rely on Orlando Hernandez staying upright long enough to make it through a game without breaking his hip and the human rain delay Steeeeeeveeeeeeeee Traaaaaaaaachseeeeeeeeel. My advice? Willie Randolph and Jerry Manuel (wake up Jerry, I am talking to you. Jerry? Jerry?) might want to go up to the broadcast booth and ask Ron Darling to trade in the microphone for a pitching glove, take a trip to the fat farm to convince Sid Fernandez to put down the Susie Q's and Ho Ho's and pick up a baseball and stop by Darryl Strawberry's Palace of Porn to ask Dwight Gooden to get off the ho, put down the one-hitter and toe the rubber. Anyone got the number of Nolan Ryan's ranch?
* Holy cow, the National League sucks. And the Cubs are tied for last place. That's kind of like being named the ugliest person in a room full of persons who have been featured on Fox television's special "When Facial Surgey Goes Wrong."
* News out of South Florida is that a group of University of Miami alumni have rented planes that will fly over Saturday's game against the Houston Cougars dragging banners that call for the dismissal of head coach Larry Coker. You see, fans of the Hurricanes are angry with the team's 1-2 start and the fact that the talent level and athleticism on the team has dropped considerably since the days of Kellen Winslow and, before him, Michael Irvin. Winslow, of course, could due a triple forward sommersault with a half twist while flying over the handlebars of his motocycle. Current Miami TE, Greg Olsen, can't even do a lousy cartwheel. Irvin, for hs part, ran the one-hundred yard dash in four seconds while being chased by four cops and while carrying six dime bags. Current Hurricane WR Darnell Jenkins got caught from behind by Eddie, Lou and Chief Wiggum while carrying six bags of Fritos.
This is an awfully unfortunate story but the concept really is not new. Fans in the past have arranged similar "protests," but did not have the use of airplanes. For example, last winter, when Mike Davis was still the Iniana head coach, a similar "protest" didn't materialize because the locals just couldn't get the tractors started and the donkey came down with a bad case of the shakes. And then, this past summer, Wrigleyville's 20-somethings, didn't want to give up their precious parking spaces and were understandably hesitant about hanging a banner from the BMW's antenna. And besides most of the people in the bleachers are way too drunk to read a moving banner anyway.
* Finally, I just want to take this opportunity to wish all my Jewish friends a peaceful Yom Kippur. May your pre-fasting kreplach be tasty, may your sins be atoned, and may the Bears kick the crud out of the Seahawks. Oh yeah, and Mel Gibson? Try and put down the Manischewitz wine for at least a few hours, will ya?
**Today's Sports Trivia Question: Walter Payton was the 4th overall pick in the 1975 NFL Draft. Selected immediately before Sweetness was offensive lineman Ken Huff (by the Colts). Who was Dallas' pick at #2, a defensive lineman out of the University of Maryland and who was Atlanta's #1 selection, a QB out of Cal?
***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In which movie did George Lazenby portray Bond... James Bond?
*****Past Answers: Brett Favre was the QB selected by Atlanta with the 33rd pick in the 1991 NFL Draft (congrats to Nickel Slots for correctly identifying Brett); Paul Justin was the Bears selection in the same draft (major congrats to Pfarro for getting that right. Oh yeah, hotshot, with what pick was Will Furrer selected); and Leon Kompowski was the Jersey plummer who thought he was Michael Jackson and befriended Homer at the New Bedlam Insane Asylum.
For instance, you all know that I will not be sending holiday cards to A.J. Pierzynski or Hawk and will not be inviting Colin Montgomerie to the house for tea and crumpets. You all know that I think the media knows about as much about college basketball as Helen Keller knew about what the meadow beind her Alabama house looked like. And everyone is well aware that I would love to personally see Jessica Alba in a nice summer sun dress. And Jessica Alba in a denim miniskirt and halter top. And Jessica Alba in the outfit featured on page 69 of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. And, yes, Jessica Alba wearing, say it with me..., nothing but her navel ring and a pair of knee-high black leather boots (the greatest single image in the history of the RT).
And, of course, you all know that I am not yet sold on Rex the Wonder Dog as the next, er... as the first truly great quarterback of the Chicago Bears.
But even I had to make sure that I was not watching Comedy Central when former Chicago Tribune columnist and current ESPN personality Skip Bayless stated that the Bears would be a better team if Kyle the Bearded Wonder was the team's quarterback. How about a little angel dust with your morning java, Skip?
I know that sports columnists, analysts and others occasionally say things merely for shock value, but are you kidding me? It is one thing to simply be a moron who actually believes that Devin Hester is the most important addition to the Bears' roster since the team drafted Walter Payton in the 1975 NFL Draft** (read: Harry Teinowitz), but quite another to claim that the Bears would have more success with Orton under center. I can only wonder what else Bayless thinks. That Gopherball Glendon truly was the better choice to be the Cubs' #2 starter to open the season than fellow 160-year old lefty free-agent Kenny Rogers? That Tyson Chandler is a better building block for the future than Elton Brand? That Van Halen is a better band with Gary Cherone at the mic? That George Lazenby is the one and only true James Bond?*** That going to see a Styx tribute band headline Rockford's WhyintheHeckdoWeLiveinRockfordfest is better than seeing the real band share the bill with Supertramp at Holiday Star Plaza Theatre because Dennis DeYoung has a little trouble these days hitting the high note on "Come Sail Away?"
Look, just substitute Eric Cartman as the lead singer for that one song and let poor Dennis catch his breath before retaking the stage and wowing us with Lady, Mr. Roboto, and Don't Let it End. The best of times, indeed.
Skip, there is no point in making stupid comments just to try to sound controversial. In most cases, you just wind up sounding like an idiot. Try to remember, like Jennifer Lopez' clothing line, the Kyle Orton experiment officially ran its course in 2005. And, like Olivia Newton John's clothing line... it ain't coming back anytime soon.
* Albert Pujols... meet Ernie Banks. Scott Rolen... meet Ron Santo. Chris Carpenter... meet Ken Holtzman. Scott Spiezio... meet Al Spangler. Fredbird... meet Ronnie Woo Woo. Now that everyone has been introduced, let me officially welcome all of you to today's meeting of the CCC, the Colossal Collapse Club.
It is almost unfathomable that the St. Louis Cardinals had an 8.5 game lead on the Houston Astros on September 20, and now have only a one-half game lead as we enter the final week of the season. For those of you keeping score at home, no team in the history of baseball has ever blown a lead greater than 6.5 games in the month of September. The Cardinals are trying to toss away an 8.5 game lead in under two weeks.
And you know what? After reading the New York Times bestseller "3 Nights in August," I could not be happier (well, maybe if I was Bob from the Enzyte commericals who was mentioned in yesterday's RT. Man, that guy looks like Peter after learning that he had been named the new columnist of the school paper). For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it was written by Buzz Bissinger (the author of Friday Night Lights, among other works) and tells the story of Cardinals' manager Tony LaRussa within the context of a three-game series in 2003 against the Cubs. In the book, LaRussa comes across as arrogant, self-absorbed and altogether annoying. Memo to Bissinger... (1) Surprise, surprise... the Cardinals are not the only team in baseball that charts pitches and uses video; (2) not every Cardinal player rescues cats out of trees, bakes yummy smiley-face cookies and reads to sick children in the hospital on off days; (3) not every Cubs player bashes cats' heads with frying fans and burns down trees, bakes arsenic laced brownies, and reads graphically distubing novels to prison inmates on their off days (Roberto Novoa and Ryan The Riot...maybe, but certainly not all); and (4) Albert Pujols may be good, but he is not the good lord's single greatest creation.
(Regardless of my statements above, I encourage all of you to read the book because it does offer an interesting study of the innner-workings of baseball. That said, if you are a Cubs' fan, you will probably walk away a tad bit annoyed with the portrayals in the book).
Anyway, the really interesting thing involves whether the Cardinals will have to play a make-up game against the Giants on Monday afternoon. If the Cards and Astros are separated by one-half game either way at the end of play on Sunday, then the Giants will have to hop on a plane, fly to middle America and play a suddenly meaningful (for St. Louis at least) game at Busch Stadium on Monday. If nothing else, this is likely to completely mess with the Giants' players schedules. Expecting the season to officially end on Sunday, I am awfully sure that the San Francisco players have plans for early next week that they do not want to cancel.
For example, think of poor Moises. The poor guy will have to postpone his plans to empty his piss bucket and shop for some hand sanitizer. Not to mention the fact that he will have to cancel him meeting with Einstein Jones (the greatest nickname since Peter annointed himself "Scoop?") to pen the 2nd edition of Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning. Shortstop Omal Vizquel will have to delay his pay-per-view Hell in a Cell match with former teammate Jose Mesa. And of course, Barry Bonds will have to save for another day his plans to buy flowers for Bud Selig, his teammates, and the media and will have to postpone his planned trip to the Steroid clinic, I mean the sewing store. Yeah, the sewing store.
All kidding aside, I know that it will be incredibly inconvenient, but, should the Giants have to play the game on Monday, they better put forth their best effort. A real pitcher better be on the mound, Ray Durham better be at second base, Moises better put aside his plans to teepee Steve Stone's house and man right field, and Barry better put down his hypodermic... I mean his sewing needle and play left. Otherwise, what's the point? To a certain extent, the integrity of baseball is dependent on it.
* Wait a minute, Roger Clemens is on the Astros isn't he? The pompous Roger Clemens versus the pompous Tony LaRussa. Huh. And one has to win the NL Central and make the playoffs. Oh man. Go Padres.
* The Mets have announced that they will not have the services of "ace" Pedro Martinez in the upcoming playoffs. This is really bad news for a pitching staff that will now need to rely on Orlando Hernandez staying upright long enough to make it through a game without breaking his hip and the human rain delay Steeeeeeveeeeeeeee Traaaaaaaaachseeeeeeeeel. My advice? Willie Randolph and Jerry Manuel (wake up Jerry, I am talking to you. Jerry? Jerry?) might want to go up to the broadcast booth and ask Ron Darling to trade in the microphone for a pitching glove, take a trip to the fat farm to convince Sid Fernandez to put down the Susie Q's and Ho Ho's and pick up a baseball and stop by Darryl Strawberry's Palace of Porn to ask Dwight Gooden to get off the ho, put down the one-hitter and toe the rubber. Anyone got the number of Nolan Ryan's ranch?
* Holy cow, the National League sucks. And the Cubs are tied for last place. That's kind of like being named the ugliest person in a room full of persons who have been featured on Fox television's special "When Facial Surgey Goes Wrong."
* News out of South Florida is that a group of University of Miami alumni have rented planes that will fly over Saturday's game against the Houston Cougars dragging banners that call for the dismissal of head coach Larry Coker. You see, fans of the Hurricanes are angry with the team's 1-2 start and the fact that the talent level and athleticism on the team has dropped considerably since the days of Kellen Winslow and, before him, Michael Irvin. Winslow, of course, could due a triple forward sommersault with a half twist while flying over the handlebars of his motocycle. Current Miami TE, Greg Olsen, can't even do a lousy cartwheel. Irvin, for hs part, ran the one-hundred yard dash in four seconds while being chased by four cops and while carrying six dime bags. Current Hurricane WR Darnell Jenkins got caught from behind by Eddie, Lou and Chief Wiggum while carrying six bags of Fritos.
This is an awfully unfortunate story but the concept really is not new. Fans in the past have arranged similar "protests," but did not have the use of airplanes. For example, last winter, when Mike Davis was still the Iniana head coach, a similar "protest" didn't materialize because the locals just couldn't get the tractors started and the donkey came down with a bad case of the shakes. And then, this past summer, Wrigleyville's 20-somethings, didn't want to give up their precious parking spaces and were understandably hesitant about hanging a banner from the BMW's antenna. And besides most of the people in the bleachers are way too drunk to read a moving banner anyway.
* Finally, I just want to take this opportunity to wish all my Jewish friends a peaceful Yom Kippur. May your pre-fasting kreplach be tasty, may your sins be atoned, and may the Bears kick the crud out of the Seahawks. Oh yeah, and Mel Gibson? Try and put down the Manischewitz wine for at least a few hours, will ya?
**Today's Sports Trivia Question: Walter Payton was the 4th overall pick in the 1975 NFL Draft. Selected immediately before Sweetness was offensive lineman Ken Huff (by the Colts). Who was Dallas' pick at #2, a defensive lineman out of the University of Maryland and who was Atlanta's #1 selection, a QB out of Cal?
***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In which movie did George Lazenby portray Bond... James Bond?
*****Past Answers: Brett Favre was the QB selected by Atlanta with the 33rd pick in the 1991 NFL Draft (congrats to Nickel Slots for correctly identifying Brett); Paul Justin was the Bears selection in the same draft (major congrats to Pfarro for getting that right. Oh yeah, hotshot, with what pick was Will Furrer selected); and Leon Kompowski was the Jersey plummer who thought he was Michael Jackson and befriended Homer at the New Bedlam Insane Asylum.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
