One hundred and seventeen posts later, there are still things about me that most readers of the Random Thoughts do not know. For example, I once dated a Chicago Wolves "cheerleader" (she had the kind of a body that you see in bikini ads, but the kind of head that you usually find in the high security section of the neighborhood mental institution. Hey! Who just said "that explains things?"), I was an original taste case study for Skittles (and was the only kid in the group that did not like them), and once attended a Whitney Houston concert (alas, she wore a long-sleeved blouse and you could not see the needle marks). But, there are also a lot of things that, thanks to almost nine months of, at times, unintelligible drivel, you do know about me.
For instance, you all know that I will not be sending holiday cards to A.J. Pierzynski or Hawk and will not be inviting Colin Montgomerie to the house for tea and crumpets. You all know that I think the media knows about as much about college basketball as Helen Keller knew about what the meadow beind her Alabama house looked like. And everyone is well aware that I would love to personally see Jessica Alba in a nice summer sun dress. And Jessica Alba in a denim miniskirt and halter top. And Jessica Alba in the outfit featured on page 69 of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog. And, yes, Jessica Alba wearing, say it with me..., nothing but her navel ring and a pair of knee-high black leather boots (the greatest single image in the history of the RT).
And, of course, you all know that I am not yet sold on Rex the Wonder Dog as the next, er... as the first truly great quarterback of the Chicago Bears.
But even I had to make sure that I was not watching Comedy Central when former Chicago Tribune columnist and current ESPN personality Skip Bayless stated that the Bears would be a better team if Kyle the Bearded Wonder was the team's quarterback. How about a little angel dust with your morning java, Skip?
I know that sports columnists, analysts and others occasionally say things merely for shock value, but are you kidding me? It is one thing to simply be a moron who actually believes that Devin Hester is the most important addition to the Bears' roster since the team drafted Walter Payton in the 1975 NFL Draft** (read: Harry Teinowitz), but quite another to claim that the Bears would have more success with Orton under center. I can only wonder what else Bayless thinks. That Gopherball Glendon truly was the better choice to be the Cubs' #2 starter to open the season than fellow 160-year old lefty free-agent Kenny Rogers? That Tyson Chandler is a better building block for the future than Elton Brand? That Van Halen is a better band with Gary Cherone at the mic? That George Lazenby is the one and only true James Bond?*** That going to see a Styx tribute band headline Rockford's WhyintheHeckdoWeLiveinRockfordfest is better than seeing the real band share the bill with Supertramp at Holiday Star Plaza Theatre because Dennis DeYoung has a little trouble these days hitting the high note on "Come Sail Away?"
Look, just substitute Eric Cartman as the lead singer for that one song and let poor Dennis catch his breath before retaking the stage and wowing us with Lady, Mr. Roboto, and Don't Let it End. The best of times, indeed.
Skip, there is no point in making stupid comments just to try to sound controversial. In most cases, you just wind up sounding like an idiot. Try to remember, like Jennifer Lopez' clothing line, the Kyle Orton experiment officially ran its course in 2005. And, like Olivia Newton John's clothing line... it ain't coming back anytime soon.
* Albert Pujols... meet Ernie Banks. Scott Rolen... meet Ron Santo. Chris Carpenter... meet Ken Holtzman. Scott Spiezio... meet Al Spangler. Fredbird... meet Ronnie Woo Woo. Now that everyone has been introduced, let me officially welcome all of you to today's meeting of the CCC, the Colossal Collapse Club.
It is almost unfathomable that the St. Louis Cardinals had an 8.5 game lead on the Houston Astros on September 20, and now have only a one-half game lead as we enter the final week of the season. For those of you keeping score at home, no team in the history of baseball has ever blown a lead greater than 6.5 games in the month of September. The Cardinals are trying to toss away an 8.5 game lead in under two weeks.
And you know what? After reading the New York Times bestseller "3 Nights in August," I could not be happier (well, maybe if I was Bob from the Enzyte commericals who was mentioned in yesterday's RT. Man, that guy looks like Peter after learning that he had been named the new columnist of the school paper). For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it was written by Buzz Bissinger (the author of Friday Night Lights, among other works) and tells the story of Cardinals' manager Tony LaRussa within the context of a three-game series in 2003 against the Cubs. In the book, LaRussa comes across as arrogant, self-absorbed and altogether annoying. Memo to Bissinger... (1) Surprise, surprise... the Cardinals are not the only team in baseball that charts pitches and uses video; (2) not every Cardinal player rescues cats out of trees, bakes yummy smiley-face cookies and reads to sick children in the hospital on off days; (3) not every Cubs player bashes cats' heads with frying fans and burns down trees, bakes arsenic laced brownies, and reads graphically distubing novels to prison inmates on their off days (Roberto Novoa and Ryan The Riot...maybe, but certainly not all); and (4) Albert Pujols may be good, but he is not the good lord's single greatest creation.
(Regardless of my statements above, I encourage all of you to read the book because it does offer an interesting study of the innner-workings of baseball. That said, if you are a Cubs' fan, you will probably walk away a tad bit annoyed with the portrayals in the book).
Anyway, the really interesting thing involves whether the Cardinals will have to play a make-up game against the Giants on Monday afternoon. If the Cards and Astros are separated by one-half game either way at the end of play on Sunday, then the Giants will have to hop on a plane, fly to middle America and play a suddenly meaningful (for St. Louis at least) game at Busch Stadium on Monday. If nothing else, this is likely to completely mess with the Giants' players schedules. Expecting the season to officially end on Sunday, I am awfully sure that the San Francisco players have plans for early next week that they do not want to cancel.
For example, think of poor Moises. The poor guy will have to postpone his plans to empty his piss bucket and shop for some hand sanitizer. Not to mention the fact that he will have to cancel him meeting with Einstein Jones (the greatest nickname since Peter annointed himself "Scoop?") to pen the 2nd edition of Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning. Shortstop Omal Vizquel will have to delay his pay-per-view Hell in a Cell match with former teammate Jose Mesa. And of course, Barry Bonds will have to save for another day his plans to buy flowers for Bud Selig, his teammates, and the media and will have to postpone his planned trip to the Steroid clinic, I mean the sewing store. Yeah, the sewing store.
All kidding aside, I know that it will be incredibly inconvenient, but, should the Giants have to play the game on Monday, they better put forth their best effort. A real pitcher better be on the mound, Ray Durham better be at second base, Moises better put aside his plans to teepee Steve Stone's house and man right field, and Barry better put down his hypodermic... I mean his sewing needle and play left. Otherwise, what's the point? To a certain extent, the integrity of baseball is dependent on it.
* Wait a minute, Roger Clemens is on the Astros isn't he? The pompous Roger Clemens versus the pompous Tony LaRussa. Huh. And one has to win the NL Central and make the playoffs. Oh man. Go Padres.
* The Mets have announced that they will not have the services of "ace" Pedro Martinez in the upcoming playoffs. This is really bad news for a pitching staff that will now need to rely on Orlando Hernandez staying upright long enough to make it through a game without breaking his hip and the human rain delay Steeeeeeveeeeeeeee Traaaaaaaaachseeeeeeeeel. My advice? Willie Randolph and Jerry Manuel (wake up Jerry, I am talking to you. Jerry? Jerry?) might want to go up to the broadcast booth and ask Ron Darling to trade in the microphone for a pitching glove, take a trip to the fat farm to convince Sid Fernandez to put down the Susie Q's and Ho Ho's and pick up a baseball and stop by Darryl Strawberry's Palace of Porn to ask Dwight Gooden to get off the ho, put down the one-hitter and toe the rubber. Anyone got the number of Nolan Ryan's ranch?
* Holy cow, the National League sucks. And the Cubs are tied for last place. That's kind of like being named the ugliest person in a room full of persons who have been featured on Fox television's special "When Facial Surgey Goes Wrong."
* News out of South Florida is that a group of University of Miami alumni have rented planes that will fly over Saturday's game against the Houston Cougars dragging banners that call for the dismissal of head coach Larry Coker. You see, fans of the Hurricanes are angry with the team's 1-2 start and the fact that the talent level and athleticism on the team has dropped considerably since the days of Kellen Winslow and, before him, Michael Irvin. Winslow, of course, could due a triple forward sommersault with a half twist while flying over the handlebars of his motocycle. Current Miami TE, Greg Olsen, can't even do a lousy cartwheel. Irvin, for hs part, ran the one-hundred yard dash in four seconds while being chased by four cops and while carrying six dime bags. Current Hurricane WR Darnell Jenkins got caught from behind by Eddie, Lou and Chief Wiggum while carrying six bags of Fritos.
This is an awfully unfortunate story but the concept really is not new. Fans in the past have arranged similar "protests," but did not have the use of airplanes. For example, last winter, when Mike Davis was still the Iniana head coach, a similar "protest" didn't materialize because the locals just couldn't get the tractors started and the donkey came down with a bad case of the shakes. And then, this past summer, Wrigleyville's 20-somethings, didn't want to give up their precious parking spaces and were understandably hesitant about hanging a banner from the BMW's antenna. And besides most of the people in the bleachers are way too drunk to read a moving banner anyway.
* Finally, I just want to take this opportunity to wish all my Jewish friends a peaceful Yom Kippur. May your pre-fasting kreplach be tasty, may your sins be atoned, and may the Bears kick the crud out of the Seahawks. Oh yeah, and Mel Gibson? Try and put down the Manischewitz wine for at least a few hours, will ya?
**Today's Sports Trivia Question: Walter Payton was the 4th overall pick in the 1975 NFL Draft. Selected immediately before Sweetness was offensive lineman Ken Huff (by the Colts). Who was Dallas' pick at #2, a defensive lineman out of the University of Maryland and who was Atlanta's #1 selection, a QB out of Cal?
***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In which movie did George Lazenby portray Bond... James Bond?
*****Past Answers: Brett Favre was the QB selected by Atlanta with the 33rd pick in the 1991 NFL Draft (congrats to Nickel Slots for correctly identifying Brett); Paul Justin was the Bears selection in the same draft (major congrats to Pfarro for getting that right. Oh yeah, hotshot, with what pick was Will Furrer selected); and Leon Kompowski was the Jersey plummer who thought he was Michael Jackson and befriended Homer at the New Bedlam Insane Asylum.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
And This Will Be the Day That I Die...
I am not sure about you but I sure was thrown for a loop upon hearing the news yesterday morning. I mean, I know that you should always expect the unexpected when it comes to Terrell Owens, but who can honestly say that they saw this one coming? I, myself, am still having a tough time believing that Owens actually overdosed on Guatemalan Insanity Peppers, spent the better part of the evening engaged in conversation with the space coyote and eventually wound up at the local lighthouse desperately trying to find his soul mate.
What's that? Michael Irvin says the rumors are false? T.O., himself, is claiming that he spent the entire evening at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama, helping the Pin Pals knock off the Holy Rollers and then trying to win the lobster harmonica?
Look, the truth is that nobody (other than Terrell and his idiot publicist) knows what really happened at Owens' residence on Tuesday evening and it is unlikely that we ever will know the truth. The Dallas Police Department has its story (that Owens was trying to commit suicide). T.O. and his inner circle have their story (that, uh, Owens, uh, took some, uh, supplements and, uh, some pain pills and, uh, he was groggy or delirious or, uh, something). And I have my story.
What bothers me is the reaction of the media. Due to "theson's" sudden illness, I was home for most of the day on Wednesday and was able to watch ESPN News' coverage of the attempted suicide/ overdose/ chemical inbalance/ horrible misunderstanding/ media stunt/ spin doctor extravaganza/ circus clown show. It really surprised me that most of the analysts on ESPN News were automatically willing to unequivocally believe Owens and his claim that he did not try to commit suicide. NFL "expert" after NFL "expert" came on and noted that T.O. obviously did not try to commit suicide simply because T.O. now claims that he did not try and commit suicide. John Clayton went so far as to say that we can be positive that Owens did not try and take his own life because the Dallas PD is not taking any steps to prosecute him, never mind the fact that while driving around with a "Send the Troops Home" bumper sticker may be a crime in Crawford, Texas, suicide, on the other hand. remains perfectly legal in the Lone Star State.
(It should be mentioned that as the evening went on, more and more analysts began to question Owens' story, including Stephen A . Smith, who sounded notably intelligent while being interviewed on ESPN last night. Smith, who I once disliked, had all his facts straight and asked the questions that still need to be asked. When Smith comes on, I know that I really should be disgusted by what I am seeing and hearing on my television, but like "America's Top Model," watching and listening to Smith is really starting to grow on me. With Smith there is no shortage of strong opinions, and at least, unlike the former Mr. Drew Barrymore, Tom Green, the guy has balls).
Certainly nobody should be surprised that T.O.'s inner circle immediately jumped up to defend him. But let's take a good look at who the inner circle consists of. Deion Sanders? Michael Irvin? Sheesh, that's like being on trial and having to call George Ryan and Dan Rostenkowski as your character witnesses. Irvin, of course, is probably the guy who gave Rex the Wonder Dog the idea to bring a camera to the annual NFL summer party referenced in the RT earlier this week. After all, despite numerous drug arrests and a known connection to strippers, drug dealers and other unsavory types, he continues to appear on the ESPN family of networks almost as often as Bob the blissfully happy guy from the Enzyte commercials and get cast in movies like "The Longest Yard." I can only wonder what type of pictures he has of ESPN's empty suits from the network's Holiday Party to allow him to continue receiving so much airtime.
(Note to "The Playmaker": Those pictures you have of Chris Berman and Stuart Scott doing thier own special rendition of Ebony and Ivory? Trust me, nobody is interested. Those pictures of Erin Andrews, however... sign me up!)
Anyway, we certainly know that we cannot take anything that Irvin says too seriously. History tells us that Irvin will defend Owens no matter what he does. Steal Raquel, the rival team's goat and Irvin will be there to claim that Terrell was just taking her out for a walk. Rob a Kwik-E-Mart and Irvin will be there to claim that it was actually Sideshow Bob in a Cowboys' jersey. Kill your former wife and her waiter friend and Irvin will be there to drive T.O. through the streets of Dallas in a white Bronco (the SUV, not Jake Plummer). In fact, if you have any familiarity with Irvin's relationship with T.O., you will likely agree with RT sometimes reader/ sometimes non-reader/ sometimes "Playboy: The Mansion" video game player "Nickel Slots" (or "Krivo" or "Tom" or "Mike McDermott") when he says that Michael Irvin would be likely to defend T.O. even if he tried to kill... Michael Irvin.
My gut tells me that T.O. did, in fact, try to kill himself. Why else would the Dallas Police Department have filed the report that they did and why would the emergency response personnel initially make the claims that they made? I know that the Dallas PD's reputation is one step above Britney Spears' these days, but claiming that T.O. wanted to kill himself just for sh*ts and giggles just does not make any sense to me at all.
And it simply is not that hard to believe that a man with Owens' history would be capable of taking his own life. A lot of information about T.O.'s past is suddenly coming to light and most of it is so out there, somone really ought to call Jenny Jones' producer. Supposedly, Owens' mother was only 15 or 16 years old when she gave birth to baby Terrell and he never knew his father until, as a 16-year old with raging hormones, he was told that he shouldn't date the girl down the street because she was his half-sister. Yep, young T.O. suddenly realized that the old guy down the street who sat on the stoop drinking Old English and listening to old Run D.M.C. albums was his daddy.
And his mental condition has concerned teams in the past. According to reports, both the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles tried to convince Owens to get counseling for his perceived mental instability, a suggestion that Owens completely shrugged off.
The bottom line is that none of us have any clue what really happened. At least, for one day, T.O. seems to have stood for "Totally Odd." But one thing I think we can all be certain of is that he has some serious problems and, if I am in charge of an NFL team (either as the coach, general manager, or team owner) he is a lot more trouble than he is worth.
* With all the T.O. coverage, at least we caught a break from having to listen to Sean Salisbury, Chris Mortensen and Sal "I've never left Philadelphia in my life" Palantonio talk about how "The Interception" was really J.D. Runnels and Ian Scott's fault.
* Like I said above, none of us really knows what happened, but I am sure that we can all agree that Owens' publicist, Kim Etheridge needs to keep her mouth shut. T.O. would not have killed himself because he has 25 million reasons not to, huh? Well, Kurt Cobain had roughly the same number of reasons to spend a little more time on this planet and he elected to splatter his brains all over the guest room at his Seattle home.
* Switching gears, I must admit that I was one of the unfortunate souls who woke up early Sunday morning to watch European golfer after European golfer handily defeat our American duffers. Things were so bad for the red, white and blue in the Ryder Cup, I would have been better off flipping on that stupid "Gazelle" infomercial with that guy who looks like he spent the better part of the 80's as the lead guitarist for White Lion, letting "thedaughter" watch The Wonder Pets or permitting "thecat" to turn on Garfield: The Movie.
Well, at least Sergio Garcia got his butt kicked by Stewart Cink. I am certainly not suggesting that we petition to have Garcia put on the cover of Madden PGA '07, but there is something about him that I just do not like (perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he kicks our butt at every Ryder Cup). Anyone catch the interview with him that aired during the broadcast where he stated that the Ryder Cup is the most important thing to him and more significant than golf's majors? Sure Sergio, I'd feel that way too if my success in major tournaments reminded people of Cindy's performance on the Quiz the Kids Show (I've used that before, haven't I?).
* I also applaud the tradition of wearing team uniforms at the Ryder Cup. Yes, it is unfortunate that Tiger does not get to wear his traditional Sunday red, but we are also spared having to see Sergio in lavender or pink. Look, unless your name is Barry Manilow or you are Homer Simpson after Marge washed your shirts with Bart's lucky red hat, keep the pink shirts in the drawer. You never know when you are going to end up in a mental institution sharing a cell with some guy from Jersey who thinks he is Michael Jackson.***
* The majority of American players played like Spaulding Smails. The only explanation I can come up with is that Phil Mickelson forgot his manziere, Chad Campbell was too busy trying to convince his wife that her visit to Dr. Robert Rey and subsequent appearance on the E network's Dr. 90210 was worth every penny and the geeky Jim Furyk was too focused on thanking the heavens that his bank account is as large as it is and he, therefore, landed a genuine hottie and did not have to settle for marrying Jane Smith, the receptionist at his local dentist office, who likes to spend her evenings scrapbooking and ordering $4 stretch pants from the Sunday newspaper Supr-Savr coupons.
* One thing I definitely do not understand about the Ryder Cup and match play in general is when players concede holes to their opponent. Look, picture a Cubs - Pirates game that is tied 3-3 with Pittsburgh runners on every base and zero outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) on the mound. What are the chances of the Cubs making it to the 10th inning? I'd say less than Jack Bauer being invited to the Logan family Thanksgiving dinner. Yet, Dusty and Larry Rothschild don't order (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) to simply throw one right down the middle so that Jason Bay or Freddie Sanchez or Willie Stargell can hit one over the Clemente Bridge (wait a minute, do they? That would explain a lot).
Picture a U of I football game with the score tied 17-17 (Tie game? They must be playing Wheeling High School. Okay, maybe Wheeling High School's JV team. Their girls' JV team) and their opponent having a first and goal from the one-foot line with 30 seconds to play. They don't just let the Wildcats score without at least trying to stop them, do they? Okay, what if Lou Tepper was not the coach? So, why do golfers concede putts, no matter how short they are?
We are constantly told how the pressure to make a key putt is different than practically everything else in sports. Pressure ripped apart Jean Van de Velde, Greg Norman and Roy McAvoy. We are told that, when faced with a big putt, you have to learn to pace yourself. That you are just like everybody else. That you need to turn the tap dance into your crusade. Hey, if I am playing in the Ryder Cup or any other high-pressure golfing tournament, I'm making every golfer make each and every putt (and hoping that a royal jackass like Colin Montgomerie misses, not so I can win, but just so I can laugh my butt off).
* A lot of surprising things happened on Wednesday. T.O. may have committed suicide, the Blackhawks seemingly have now won more games in the '06 preseason than they won in the entire 2005-06 regular season and a reported audience of 16 watched the White Sox game on channel 26 (hey, that is still more people than watched "Fashion House"). But Wednesday's most suprising story? The one that makes the Terrell Owens alleged suicide seem like an everyday occurrence? Yes, Cubs fans, Thing One blasted a home run to tie the North Siders' game with the Brewers in the bottom of the 9th inning and the Cubs went on to a 3-2 victory.
And despite the fact that the Cubs suck and have all year, you can bet that more the 16 people were watching.
Have a nice night. Try and stay away from mixing pain killers and supplements, will ya?
***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: What was the real name of the plumber from New Jersey who thought he was Michael Jackson when Homer met him in the New Bedlam mental institution? And, no, I do not really mind pink shirts. If you want to try out for the newest incarnation of the Backdoor Boys, that is your perogative.
What's that? Michael Irvin says the rumors are false? T.O., himself, is claiming that he spent the entire evening at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama, helping the Pin Pals knock off the Holy Rollers and then trying to win the lobster harmonica?
Look, the truth is that nobody (other than Terrell and his idiot publicist) knows what really happened at Owens' residence on Tuesday evening and it is unlikely that we ever will know the truth. The Dallas Police Department has its story (that Owens was trying to commit suicide). T.O. and his inner circle have their story (that, uh, Owens, uh, took some, uh, supplements and, uh, some pain pills and, uh, he was groggy or delirious or, uh, something). And I have my story.
What bothers me is the reaction of the media. Due to "theson's" sudden illness, I was home for most of the day on Wednesday and was able to watch ESPN News' coverage of the attempted suicide/ overdose/ chemical inbalance/ horrible misunderstanding/ media stunt/ spin doctor extravaganza/ circus clown show. It really surprised me that most of the analysts on ESPN News were automatically willing to unequivocally believe Owens and his claim that he did not try to commit suicide. NFL "expert" after NFL "expert" came on and noted that T.O. obviously did not try to commit suicide simply because T.O. now claims that he did not try and commit suicide. John Clayton went so far as to say that we can be positive that Owens did not try and take his own life because the Dallas PD is not taking any steps to prosecute him, never mind the fact that while driving around with a "Send the Troops Home" bumper sticker may be a crime in Crawford, Texas, suicide, on the other hand. remains perfectly legal in the Lone Star State.
(It should be mentioned that as the evening went on, more and more analysts began to question Owens' story, including Stephen A . Smith, who sounded notably intelligent while being interviewed on ESPN last night. Smith, who I once disliked, had all his facts straight and asked the questions that still need to be asked. When Smith comes on, I know that I really should be disgusted by what I am seeing and hearing on my television, but like "America's Top Model," watching and listening to Smith is really starting to grow on me. With Smith there is no shortage of strong opinions, and at least, unlike the former Mr. Drew Barrymore, Tom Green, the guy has balls).
Certainly nobody should be surprised that T.O.'s inner circle immediately jumped up to defend him. But let's take a good look at who the inner circle consists of. Deion Sanders? Michael Irvin? Sheesh, that's like being on trial and having to call George Ryan and Dan Rostenkowski as your character witnesses. Irvin, of course, is probably the guy who gave Rex the Wonder Dog the idea to bring a camera to the annual NFL summer party referenced in the RT earlier this week. After all, despite numerous drug arrests and a known connection to strippers, drug dealers and other unsavory types, he continues to appear on the ESPN family of networks almost as often as Bob the blissfully happy guy from the Enzyte commercials and get cast in movies like "The Longest Yard." I can only wonder what type of pictures he has of ESPN's empty suits from the network's Holiday Party to allow him to continue receiving so much airtime.
(Note to "The Playmaker": Those pictures you have of Chris Berman and Stuart Scott doing thier own special rendition of Ebony and Ivory? Trust me, nobody is interested. Those pictures of Erin Andrews, however... sign me up!)
Anyway, we certainly know that we cannot take anything that Irvin says too seriously. History tells us that Irvin will defend Owens no matter what he does. Steal Raquel, the rival team's goat and Irvin will be there to claim that Terrell was just taking her out for a walk. Rob a Kwik-E-Mart and Irvin will be there to claim that it was actually Sideshow Bob in a Cowboys' jersey. Kill your former wife and her waiter friend and Irvin will be there to drive T.O. through the streets of Dallas in a white Bronco (the SUV, not Jake Plummer). In fact, if you have any familiarity with Irvin's relationship with T.O., you will likely agree with RT sometimes reader/ sometimes non-reader/ sometimes "Playboy: The Mansion" video game player "Nickel Slots" (or "Krivo" or "Tom" or "Mike McDermott") when he says that Michael Irvin would be likely to defend T.O. even if he tried to kill... Michael Irvin.
My gut tells me that T.O. did, in fact, try to kill himself. Why else would the Dallas Police Department have filed the report that they did and why would the emergency response personnel initially make the claims that they made? I know that the Dallas PD's reputation is one step above Britney Spears' these days, but claiming that T.O. wanted to kill himself just for sh*ts and giggles just does not make any sense to me at all.
And it simply is not that hard to believe that a man with Owens' history would be capable of taking his own life. A lot of information about T.O.'s past is suddenly coming to light and most of it is so out there, somone really ought to call Jenny Jones' producer. Supposedly, Owens' mother was only 15 or 16 years old when she gave birth to baby Terrell and he never knew his father until, as a 16-year old with raging hormones, he was told that he shouldn't date the girl down the street because she was his half-sister. Yep, young T.O. suddenly realized that the old guy down the street who sat on the stoop drinking Old English and listening to old Run D.M.C. albums was his daddy.
And his mental condition has concerned teams in the past. According to reports, both the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles tried to convince Owens to get counseling for his perceived mental instability, a suggestion that Owens completely shrugged off.
The bottom line is that none of us have any clue what really happened. At least, for one day, T.O. seems to have stood for "Totally Odd." But one thing I think we can all be certain of is that he has some serious problems and, if I am in charge of an NFL team (either as the coach, general manager, or team owner) he is a lot more trouble than he is worth.
* With all the T.O. coverage, at least we caught a break from having to listen to Sean Salisbury, Chris Mortensen and Sal "I've never left Philadelphia in my life" Palantonio talk about how "The Interception" was really J.D. Runnels and Ian Scott's fault.
* Like I said above, none of us really knows what happened, but I am sure that we can all agree that Owens' publicist, Kim Etheridge needs to keep her mouth shut. T.O. would not have killed himself because he has 25 million reasons not to, huh? Well, Kurt Cobain had roughly the same number of reasons to spend a little more time on this planet and he elected to splatter his brains all over the guest room at his Seattle home.
* Switching gears, I must admit that I was one of the unfortunate souls who woke up early Sunday morning to watch European golfer after European golfer handily defeat our American duffers. Things were so bad for the red, white and blue in the Ryder Cup, I would have been better off flipping on that stupid "Gazelle" infomercial with that guy who looks like he spent the better part of the 80's as the lead guitarist for White Lion, letting "thedaughter" watch The Wonder Pets or permitting "thecat" to turn on Garfield: The Movie.
Well, at least Sergio Garcia got his butt kicked by Stewart Cink. I am certainly not suggesting that we petition to have Garcia put on the cover of Madden PGA '07, but there is something about him that I just do not like (perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he kicks our butt at every Ryder Cup). Anyone catch the interview with him that aired during the broadcast where he stated that the Ryder Cup is the most important thing to him and more significant than golf's majors? Sure Sergio, I'd feel that way too if my success in major tournaments reminded people of Cindy's performance on the Quiz the Kids Show (I've used that before, haven't I?).
* I also applaud the tradition of wearing team uniforms at the Ryder Cup. Yes, it is unfortunate that Tiger does not get to wear his traditional Sunday red, but we are also spared having to see Sergio in lavender or pink. Look, unless your name is Barry Manilow or you are Homer Simpson after Marge washed your shirts with Bart's lucky red hat, keep the pink shirts in the drawer. You never know when you are going to end up in a mental institution sharing a cell with some guy from Jersey who thinks he is Michael Jackson.***
* The majority of American players played like Spaulding Smails. The only explanation I can come up with is that Phil Mickelson forgot his manziere, Chad Campbell was too busy trying to convince his wife that her visit to Dr. Robert Rey and subsequent appearance on the E network's Dr. 90210 was worth every penny and the geeky Jim Furyk was too focused on thanking the heavens that his bank account is as large as it is and he, therefore, landed a genuine hottie and did not have to settle for marrying Jane Smith, the receptionist at his local dentist office, who likes to spend her evenings scrapbooking and ordering $4 stretch pants from the Sunday newspaper Supr-Savr coupons.
* One thing I definitely do not understand about the Ryder Cup and match play in general is when players concede holes to their opponent. Look, picture a Cubs - Pirates game that is tied 3-3 with Pittsburgh runners on every base and zero outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) on the mound. What are the chances of the Cubs making it to the 10th inning? I'd say less than Jack Bauer being invited to the Logan family Thanksgiving dinner. Yet, Dusty and Larry Rothschild don't order (insert name of crappy Cubs relief pitcher here) to simply throw one right down the middle so that Jason Bay or Freddie Sanchez or Willie Stargell can hit one over the Clemente Bridge (wait a minute, do they? That would explain a lot).
Picture a U of I football game with the score tied 17-17 (Tie game? They must be playing Wheeling High School. Okay, maybe Wheeling High School's JV team. Their girls' JV team) and their opponent having a first and goal from the one-foot line with 30 seconds to play. They don't just let the Wildcats score without at least trying to stop them, do they? Okay, what if Lou Tepper was not the coach? So, why do golfers concede putts, no matter how short they are?
We are constantly told how the pressure to make a key putt is different than practically everything else in sports. Pressure ripped apart Jean Van de Velde, Greg Norman and Roy McAvoy. We are told that, when faced with a big putt, you have to learn to pace yourself. That you are just like everybody else. That you need to turn the tap dance into your crusade. Hey, if I am playing in the Ryder Cup or any other high-pressure golfing tournament, I'm making every golfer make each and every putt (and hoping that a royal jackass like Colin Montgomerie misses, not so I can win, but just so I can laugh my butt off).
* A lot of surprising things happened on Wednesday. T.O. may have committed suicide, the Blackhawks seemingly have now won more games in the '06 preseason than they won in the entire 2005-06 regular season and a reported audience of 16 watched the White Sox game on channel 26 (hey, that is still more people than watched "Fashion House"). But Wednesday's most suprising story? The one that makes the Terrell Owens alleged suicide seem like an everyday occurrence? Yes, Cubs fans, Thing One blasted a home run to tie the North Siders' game with the Brewers in the bottom of the 9th inning and the Cubs went on to a 3-2 victory.
And despite the fact that the Cubs suck and have all year, you can bet that more the 16 people were watching.
Have a nice night. Try and stay away from mixing pain killers and supplements, will ya?
***Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: What was the real name of the plumber from New Jersey who thought he was Michael Jackson when Homer met him in the New Bedlam mental institution? And, no, I do not really mind pink shirts. If you want to try out for the newest incarnation of the Backdoor Boys, that is your perogative.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
A New Post...
...is not likely today given that I am home taking care of "theson" who has seemingly come down with a case of Hand, Foot & Mouth disease. And, no, that does not mean that he has been hanging out with a herd of cattle in Britian.
I will try and write something tonight and post tomorrow. I suppose you will have to spend the time that you usually dedicate to reading the RT, looking up Mental Health institutions in Dallas. Or just sit there and think about what Jennifer Garner looks like naked.
Do not, I repeat, do not try and think about what Shelly Smith looks like naked. You have been warned.
Thanks for checking!
I will try and write something tonight and post tomorrow. I suppose you will have to spend the time that you usually dedicate to reading the RT, looking up Mental Health institutions in Dallas. Or just sit there and think about what Jennifer Garner looks like naked.
Do not, I repeat, do not try and think about what Shelly Smith looks like naked. You have been warned.
Thanks for checking!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Finally...An Explanation!!
Look... I'm trying really hard not to let my imagination run wild.
I mean I don't really know whether former-commissioner Paul Tagliabue drank an entire case of Duff and then danced on top of a table with a half naked Princess Kashmir. I can't be sure that Daryl "Moose" Johnston dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and sang Happy Birthday to Troy Aikman. I have not been able to confirm that John Madden and Brett Favre truly spent the entire time huddled in the corner, locked in an embrace that would make Tommy Lee and Pamela blush.
And, lord knows, I don't even want to think about what Koren Robinson, O.J. Simpson and former Bear and Lake County lockup candidate Bryan Robinson were doing.
All I do know is that Rex the Wonder Dog was there. And he was the only was smart enough to have brought a camera.
What other possible explanation can there be?
Look, I give Rex all the credit in the world for showing the resiliency to bounce back and throw the game winning touchdown pass to Rahied Davis. To his credit, he did not hang his head after he single-handedly handed the Vikings the lead on a silver platter and made a good throw when the team needed him most (although let's admit it... Davis was wide open). The bottom line is that the team is now 3-0 and Rex deserves a fair share of the credit for the Bears' undefeated start.
But, once again, I cannot understand for the life of me why Rex is being talked about like he is the second coming. Rex has talent. I don't deny that. And he seems to be a terrific leader. I don't deny that either. But, for every throw that truly makes me think of Dan Fouts and Dan Marino, he makes one that reminds me of Dan Pastorini and Dan McGwire** And what is worse is that for every smart decision, he makes one that rivals the decision made by whatever moron gave Dan Cortese his first job and got his career rolling (although, I will admit that he was quite funny as Elaine [and George's] boyfriend Tony. Although, I would not make him peanut butter sandwiches if I were you).
Needless to say, in breaking down Rex's game, we can start with "the interception" (What? You expected me to say that Rex's decision to throw the ball up for grabs deep in Bears' territory was as dumb as the Brady kids' decision to trust Jan to take care of the silver platter engraving? Well, guess what? I am not going to. If you saw the play, I am sure that you will agree that it stands on its own merit). Heck, I have not seen a Viking score that easy since Ebony Firelips took Moe Williams into the boat's private room while sailing on Lake Minnetonka.
And we can continue by talking about a number of other passes that left me scratching my head. Not only did Rex throw a pass that was intercepted by Dwight Smith, but, in the first half, he also threw two other passes that would have been picked off in Bears' territory, if not for the fact that the Minnesota defensive backs decided to do their best Brant Brown impersonation. Wonder Dog's tosses were so bad, I honestly figured that either he must have thought that he was suddenly playing for the purple-clad Northwestern Wildcats or had suddenly gone color blind.
Yet, despite his poor play, commentators, analysts and other talking heads continue to gush over him like Tom Cruise talking to oprah about Katie Holmes. Watch ESPN on Sunday night and you were sure to hear Tom Jackson talking about how he is growing into a sensational QB. Listen to Mike & Mike on Monday and listen to Joe Theisman wax poetic about how Rex is quickly joining the NFL elite. Watch Jerry Springer on Tuesday and marvel at Shane's decision to sleep with his brother Rusty's wife only moments after she returned from having a alien communication device planted in her ass. And then watch the alien come down and fight Shane and Rusty for the right to take her to her Junior High Mixer. But I digress.
Rock bottom came during the actual game. After Rex threw the ill-fated interception, Stockton and Johnston did not focus on how the Wonder Dog may have just cost his team the game or spend longer than two seconds questioning Rex's abhorrent decision to throw the ball (I will admit that they did mention it for a second -- I mean how can they not?). Instead, the two announcers criticized Ron Turner for not running the ball given Thomas Jones' recent success and chastised Devin Hester for fielding a punt inside the 15-yard line. Excuse me? Oh sure, Scott Eyre just gave up a three-run home run to Ken Griffey to lose the game, but let's focus our attention on how Thing One just spilled his Gatorade or Buck Coats just tripped over Weasley's Cleansweep Eleven.
So look, I don't know what happened at the big summer NFL party. But I know for dang sure that there are an awful lot of people who don't want me, or anybody else for that matter, to know exaclty what went on. Hmmm... I wonder if Frank Gifford was invited?
* Congratulations Rex! It took you more than three years to pass me, John Travolta and Shamu the Whale on the list of most 4th-quarter touchdown passes thrown in a career.
* Come to think of it, perhaps Rex was not the only one who made use of his Minolta at the party. After all, ESPN continues to worship at the altar of Michael Vick.
* Lovie Smith is doing a fine coaching job so far this season, but really needs to better understand how to use his coaches challenges. Case in point... With just under 12 minutes remaining in the first half and the team facing a 2nd and goal from the Minnesota nine-yard line, Grossman threw a pass that Jason McKie appeared to catch and fumble, with the ball recovered by the Bears at the seven or eight-yard line. The pass was ruled incomplete setting up a 3rd & goal from the nine, however, a ruling that the Bears challenged. What was the point? Even if the ruling was overturned, they would have been faced with a 3rd and goal from the seven or eight. Is it really worth wasting a challenge to potentially pick up one or two yards? Memo to Lovie... you only get two challenges a game. They are like gold. You never know when you are going to need to challenge the officials on their ruling that Rex was not down before he just threw the ball straight up in the air for anyone to catch from his own goal line. In the future, you better keep one of your challenges available.
* According to the Bears' "official" statistics, Brian Urlacher was credited with 10 tackles on Sunday (note: according to the NFL's "official" statistics, he had five, and according to the Brian Urlacher Fan Club's "official" count, he had 174). Sheesh, I did not even realize that he was playing. Generally, Urlacher is a wonderful player and deserves all the accolades that are bstowed on him, but if he had 10 tackles on Sunday, he must have played a game with his son and brother Casey in the family backyard after getting back from Minneapolis.
* Seriously, he played in that game on Sunday? The one against the Vikings? With the lack of noticeable production from the middle linebacker spot, I could have sworn it was Barry Minter or Joe Cain captaining the defense.
* Tommie Harris played. Let there be no doubt about that. Tommie Harris played. And, like Frosted Flakes, he was grrrrrrrreat.
Around the NFL...
* Hey, the Raiders did not lose this past weekend. Figured I would mention it since it might be the only time this year that it will be true.
* I suppose I should not be too tough on poor Rex. As I mentioned, the Bears are winning and he has actually made it through three games without rupturing his spleen. Welcome to the NFL Bruce Gradkowski! With the state of the offensive line in Tampa, you'll be lucky if you make it through a full game without a punctured lung, serrated liver or mutilated pancreas. Qasim Mitchell is probably available. Perhaps someone ought to stop by the Charlotte Hardee's and see if he might like to join Jon Gruden's bunch.
* In all seriousness... get well soon Chris Simms.
* After committing four turnovers against the Rams last Sunday, Kurt Warner may be out as the Cardinals' starting quarterback and Matt Leinart may get to put the clipboard down and take the field. I have no idea whether Leinart is truly ready, but after the way Warner played, Arizona coach Dennis Green may not have a choice. In case you were too busy running out to buy tickets to Rex's 2020 Hall-of-Fame induction ceremony, Warner threw three interceptions, including two in the end zone (talk about a rally killer) and then lost a fumble with the Cardinals in position to kick a game winning field goal. So now Leinart could potentially get his turn. At least, given the news of a couple of weeks ago, we know that Matt understands how to score.
* For those of you named Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, John Daly, Mike McDermott or Krusty the Clown, Vegas has made Warner's wife a 1-5 favorite over Brynn Cameron in a fight to the death cage match. And if you think that Brenda Warner would not fight a pregnant woman, then you have not seen Brenda Warner. I also advise against betting on the Washington Generals and opening a clown college.
* Still doubting the Madden Curse after hearing about Shaun Alexander's broken foot? I usually do not believe it that kind of stuff, but I'm still sending in my suggestion that Roy Williams be put on the cover of Madden '07.
* Any chance we can get EA Sports to make a Madden MLB game? A.J. Pierzynski would look great on the front.
* Finally, I have heard a lot of general commentary that too big of a deal was made out of the NFL's return to New Orleans last night and, in my opinion, those who are questioning the "hype" are missing the point. As most of you know, New Orleans is one of my favorite cities in the U.S. and it will always hold a special spot in my heart ("thewife" graduated from Tulane, we got engaged on the steps of St. Louis Cathedral, I once drank three Hand Grenades at Tropical Isle, there is a Margaritaville there). That said, last year after Hurricane Katrina practically destroyed the city, it was reasonable to assume that the NFL would never return. Yet, thirteen months later, there's professional football being played once again down on the bayou. No, the return of the Saints to the Superdome does not solve the continuing problems in the Crescent City and does not mean that the city is, by any means, "back," but the Saints are an important part of the culture of New Orleans and anything that allows the people of New Orleans to feel a sense of pre-Katrina normalcy once again, is cause for celebration in my book.
I also thought that ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football on ESPN and Brought to You by ESPN (sponsored by ESPN) did a terrific job with the coverage (with the exception of the five agonizing minutes when Spike Lee was interviewed in the booth). The production and announcing remained in the backround and let the pictures tell the story. Bravo to ESPN and Geaux Saints!
Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB Week-in-Review
First of all, congrautations to Slappers' team owner Todd Erdman, his wife Becky and their son Matthew on the birth of Harrison Daniel Erdman! At 8 lbs, 12 oz, he may want to consider taking over the Chiefs' left tackle position.
An interesting week in the RSFC, as potential sleeping giants Who You Crappin (101 pts) and Mr. October (91 pts) may have woken up and previously unbeaten teams like The Prosthetic Legs (46 pts) and Trailer Park Touchdowns (48 pts) may have shown their true colors. In any event, we enter Week 4 with three teams carrying 3-0 records, three teams at 2-1, three teams at 1-2 and a triumverate of teams looking, at this point, like they are as likely to win a game as Marilyn Manson is to be invited to sing at the Birmingham Southern Baptist Church. As always, only time will tell.
Game of the Week
* Spanky 50, Short Bus Experience 49
Not a particularily exciting game coming down the stretch, but anytime a game is decided by a single point it is worthy of being named the Game of the Week. Spanky runs its record to 3-0 behind 17 points from Donovan McNabb and 10 from kicker Jeff Wilkins. Short Bus just could not overcome zeros from Samkon Gado and Jemaine Wiggins and must be upset that he fell only one point short and has to live with 59 receiving yards from Steven Jackson, 78 yards from Laverneus Coles and a late game fumble by Marc Bulger that may not have cost the Rams a win, but ultimately cost Brian M a tie in the battle for the top of the Paris Division.
(For those of you not involved in the RSFC... (a) thanks for still reading, and (b) you get a point for every 20 yards rushing or receiving and fumbles are -1 point, so finishing with 59 or 78 yards stinks worse than Jerry's car after he got it back from the valet parking service)
Most Valuable Player
* Brian Westbrook (Who You Crappin) with 25 points
It would have been easy to go with the week's top scorer (Matt Hasselbeck) but 31-point games from QBs are a lot more common that 25-point games from running backs. Westbrook, who entered the game questionable with a leg injury, was sensational, scoring three TDs against the 49ers sad defense. Where is Ronnie Lott and the long-necked Merton Hanks when you need them?
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Matt Hasselbeck (Mr. October) with 31 points (Bald Matt is going to have to continue to play like Rex Gross... er... like Joe Montana if Seattle is going to continue to have success with last season's MVP, Shaun Alexander, sidelined indefinitely).
- Carson Palmer (Loafers) with 24 points (Palmer turned the ball over four times, but threw an equal number of TD passes)
- Willie Parker (Nickel Slots) with 18 points (Eli Manning actually scored more points for Tom this week, but I am hesitant to award someone who downright sucked when the game mattered and then padded his stats in garbage time. Don't know what I'm talking about? Think Steroid Sammy).
Least Valuable Player
* Chad Johnson (WWJBD) with 0 points
One catch? Eleven yards? That's a pretty cool blonde mohawk you got working, though, Chad. Steelers' cornerback Deshea Townsend is probably pretty upset about the loss, but at least he can put a check next to your name on the list in his locker.
Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention
- Donte Stallworth (Trailer Park Touchdowns) with 0 points (Stallworth's hamstring hurts more often than Tera Patrick's back. At least she still gives it a go every week).
- Randy McMichael (Slappers) with 0 points (It has been an incredibly successful year so far for McMichael. Oh sure, he has sucked on the field, but at least he hasn't been arrested for beating his wife for a couple of months).
- Samkon Gado (Short Bus Experience) with nary a carry (Samkon was a tremendous fantasy surprise late last season after Ahman Green, Najeh Davenport, Dorsey Levens, Edgar Bennett, and Eddie Lee Ivery all went down with an injury. Sorry, Samkon it's 2006 and your career is over).
Best Coaching Decision
* Play Tampa Bay Buccaneers D/ST (6 pts) and sit Washington Redskins D/ST (4 pts): Spanky
When you have two fair-to-good defenses, choosing which one to play is like choosing between the McDonald's that is 400 yards to the left and the one that is 400 yards to the right. You just have to hope that you pick the one that did not get the box of grub infested burgers. Mark's decision to play Tampa over Washington only resulted in an additional two points, but when you win your game by only one, you deserve a hearty pat on the back. Eat up!
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Play Dallas Clark (7 pts) over Chris Cooley (0 pts): Nickel Slots (Choosing between two mediocre tight ends is like choosing between Wendy's and Burger King...)
- Pick up and play Jon Kitna (17 pts), while dropping Chris Simms (one ruptured spleen, one blood transfusion): WWJBD (This deserves recognition because of the future implications. Kitna has the potential to score two, maybe three points in upcoming weeks. Simms has the potential to watch a lot of Who's the Boss reruns).
- Play Joey Galloway (6 pts) over Rod Smith (2 pts): Loafers (In a week that was frightenly weak in Best Coaching Decision of the Week candidates, it is impressive that both of Bill's receivers were able to put their walkers down for long enough to play. Loafers played the one who scored on the field and then again with Ethel Goldstein at the Golden Slumbers' swing dance later that night).
Worst Coaching Decision
* Play Laverneus Coles (3 pts) over T.J. Houshmanzdilly (16 pts): Short Bus Experience
I really cannot fault Brian M for keeping Houshmanzadeath on the bench given the questions surrounding his playing status, but his decision to play Coles is one that he has to look back on with at least some regret in a one-point loss. Houshmanzadallop came back strong from his heel injury and scored twice while Coles was limited to 78 yards. My guess is that Houshmanzadontyouwishyouhadanamethatwasthiscool rides the Short Bus the rest of the season.
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Kurt Warner (7 pts) over Brett Favre (24 pts): The Prosthetic Legs (Favre stepped back in time and lit up the scoreboard while Warner became the biggest goat in the desert since those Nevada famers got a little crazy with a plutomium rod. A decision that cost Dan (me) the game).
- Play Michael Jenkins (1 pt) and Donte Stallworth (thirty- two trips to training table) over Nate Burleson (8 pts): Trailer Park Touchdowns (Give Paul a break... he is still new to the RSFC. Nobody tell him that you do not get points for cortizone shots or electrical stimulation treatments).
- Pick up and play Jermaine Wiggins (0 pts) over Bo Scaife (7 pts), Eric Johnson (10 pts), Mark Breuner (6 pts), Chris Baker (6 pts) and Owen Daniels (6 pts): Short Bus Experience (With regular tight end Antonio Gates watching tapes of his 27-point performance in a loss to the Indiana Hoosiers (they had both a 'D' and an 'O' back then) in the 2002 Regional Finals while on bye, Brain M needed a tight end. Whoops! He would have gotten the same number of points had he chosen Tim Wrightman).
Gotta go. I hear Rex is posting pictures of Mike Holmgren eating an entire walrus. I've gotta check that out!
***Today's Sports Trivia Question: Dan McGwire was the first QB selected in the 1991 NFL draft when the Seattle Seahwaks took him with the 16th overall pick. In fact, the draft was incredibly weak as far as quarterbacks go with only seven selected in the first five rounds. Six of the seven are the memorable Todd Marinovich (24th pick); Browning Nagle (34th pick); Scott Zolak (84th pick); Donald Hollas (99th pick); and Bill Musgrave (106th pick). The seventh was selected #33 overall by the Falcons and went on to have an excellent career. Who was he?
Think that is easy? The Beara also selected a QB in the '91 draft with the 190th overall pick. Who was the former Arizona State signal caller picked by Chicago? It's a toughie...
I mean I don't really know whether former-commissioner Paul Tagliabue drank an entire case of Duff and then danced on top of a table with a half naked Princess Kashmir. I can't be sure that Daryl "Moose" Johnston dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and sang Happy Birthday to Troy Aikman. I have not been able to confirm that John Madden and Brett Favre truly spent the entire time huddled in the corner, locked in an embrace that would make Tommy Lee and Pamela blush.
And, lord knows, I don't even want to think about what Koren Robinson, O.J. Simpson and former Bear and Lake County lockup candidate Bryan Robinson were doing.
All I do know is that Rex the Wonder Dog was there. And he was the only was smart enough to have brought a camera.
What other possible explanation can there be?
Look, I give Rex all the credit in the world for showing the resiliency to bounce back and throw the game winning touchdown pass to Rahied Davis. To his credit, he did not hang his head after he single-handedly handed the Vikings the lead on a silver platter and made a good throw when the team needed him most (although let's admit it... Davis was wide open). The bottom line is that the team is now 3-0 and Rex deserves a fair share of the credit for the Bears' undefeated start.
But, once again, I cannot understand for the life of me why Rex is being talked about like he is the second coming. Rex has talent. I don't deny that. And he seems to be a terrific leader. I don't deny that either. But, for every throw that truly makes me think of Dan Fouts and Dan Marino, he makes one that reminds me of Dan Pastorini and Dan McGwire** And what is worse is that for every smart decision, he makes one that rivals the decision made by whatever moron gave Dan Cortese his first job and got his career rolling (although, I will admit that he was quite funny as Elaine [and George's] boyfriend Tony. Although, I would not make him peanut butter sandwiches if I were you).
Needless to say, in breaking down Rex's game, we can start with "the interception" (What? You expected me to say that Rex's decision to throw the ball up for grabs deep in Bears' territory was as dumb as the Brady kids' decision to trust Jan to take care of the silver platter engraving? Well, guess what? I am not going to. If you saw the play, I am sure that you will agree that it stands on its own merit). Heck, I have not seen a Viking score that easy since Ebony Firelips took Moe Williams into the boat's private room while sailing on Lake Minnetonka.
And we can continue by talking about a number of other passes that left me scratching my head. Not only did Rex throw a pass that was intercepted by Dwight Smith, but, in the first half, he also threw two other passes that would have been picked off in Bears' territory, if not for the fact that the Minnesota defensive backs decided to do their best Brant Brown impersonation. Wonder Dog's tosses were so bad, I honestly figured that either he must have thought that he was suddenly playing for the purple-clad Northwestern Wildcats or had suddenly gone color blind.
Yet, despite his poor play, commentators, analysts and other talking heads continue to gush over him like Tom Cruise talking to oprah about Katie Holmes. Watch ESPN on Sunday night and you were sure to hear Tom Jackson talking about how he is growing into a sensational QB. Listen to Mike & Mike on Monday and listen to Joe Theisman wax poetic about how Rex is quickly joining the NFL elite. Watch Jerry Springer on Tuesday and marvel at Shane's decision to sleep with his brother Rusty's wife only moments after she returned from having a alien communication device planted in her ass. And then watch the alien come down and fight Shane and Rusty for the right to take her to her Junior High Mixer. But I digress.
Rock bottom came during the actual game. After Rex threw the ill-fated interception, Stockton and Johnston did not focus on how the Wonder Dog may have just cost his team the game or spend longer than two seconds questioning Rex's abhorrent decision to throw the ball (I will admit that they did mention it for a second -- I mean how can they not?). Instead, the two announcers criticized Ron Turner for not running the ball given Thomas Jones' recent success and chastised Devin Hester for fielding a punt inside the 15-yard line. Excuse me? Oh sure, Scott Eyre just gave up a three-run home run to Ken Griffey to lose the game, but let's focus our attention on how Thing One just spilled his Gatorade or Buck Coats just tripped over Weasley's Cleansweep Eleven.
So look, I don't know what happened at the big summer NFL party. But I know for dang sure that there are an awful lot of people who don't want me, or anybody else for that matter, to know exaclty what went on. Hmmm... I wonder if Frank Gifford was invited?
* Congratulations Rex! It took you more than three years to pass me, John Travolta and Shamu the Whale on the list of most 4th-quarter touchdown passes thrown in a career.
* Come to think of it, perhaps Rex was not the only one who made use of his Minolta at the party. After all, ESPN continues to worship at the altar of Michael Vick.
* Lovie Smith is doing a fine coaching job so far this season, but really needs to better understand how to use his coaches challenges. Case in point... With just under 12 minutes remaining in the first half and the team facing a 2nd and goal from the Minnesota nine-yard line, Grossman threw a pass that Jason McKie appeared to catch and fumble, with the ball recovered by the Bears at the seven or eight-yard line. The pass was ruled incomplete setting up a 3rd & goal from the nine, however, a ruling that the Bears challenged. What was the point? Even if the ruling was overturned, they would have been faced with a 3rd and goal from the seven or eight. Is it really worth wasting a challenge to potentially pick up one or two yards? Memo to Lovie... you only get two challenges a game. They are like gold. You never know when you are going to need to challenge the officials on their ruling that Rex was not down before he just threw the ball straight up in the air for anyone to catch from his own goal line. In the future, you better keep one of your challenges available.
* According to the Bears' "official" statistics, Brian Urlacher was credited with 10 tackles on Sunday (note: according to the NFL's "official" statistics, he had five, and according to the Brian Urlacher Fan Club's "official" count, he had 174). Sheesh, I did not even realize that he was playing. Generally, Urlacher is a wonderful player and deserves all the accolades that are bstowed on him, but if he had 10 tackles on Sunday, he must have played a game with his son and brother Casey in the family backyard after getting back from Minneapolis.
* Seriously, he played in that game on Sunday? The one against the Vikings? With the lack of noticeable production from the middle linebacker spot, I could have sworn it was Barry Minter or Joe Cain captaining the defense.
* Tommie Harris played. Let there be no doubt about that. Tommie Harris played. And, like Frosted Flakes, he was grrrrrrrreat.
Around the NFL...
* Hey, the Raiders did not lose this past weekend. Figured I would mention it since it might be the only time this year that it will be true.
* I suppose I should not be too tough on poor Rex. As I mentioned, the Bears are winning and he has actually made it through three games without rupturing his spleen. Welcome to the NFL Bruce Gradkowski! With the state of the offensive line in Tampa, you'll be lucky if you make it through a full game without a punctured lung, serrated liver or mutilated pancreas. Qasim Mitchell is probably available. Perhaps someone ought to stop by the Charlotte Hardee's and see if he might like to join Jon Gruden's bunch.
* In all seriousness... get well soon Chris Simms.
* After committing four turnovers against the Rams last Sunday, Kurt Warner may be out as the Cardinals' starting quarterback and Matt Leinart may get to put the clipboard down and take the field. I have no idea whether Leinart is truly ready, but after the way Warner played, Arizona coach Dennis Green may not have a choice. In case you were too busy running out to buy tickets to Rex's 2020 Hall-of-Fame induction ceremony, Warner threw three interceptions, including two in the end zone (talk about a rally killer) and then lost a fumble with the Cardinals in position to kick a game winning field goal. So now Leinart could potentially get his turn. At least, given the news of a couple of weeks ago, we know that Matt understands how to score.
* For those of you named Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, John Daly, Mike McDermott or Krusty the Clown, Vegas has made Warner's wife a 1-5 favorite over Brynn Cameron in a fight to the death cage match. And if you think that Brenda Warner would not fight a pregnant woman, then you have not seen Brenda Warner. I also advise against betting on the Washington Generals and opening a clown college.
* Still doubting the Madden Curse after hearing about Shaun Alexander's broken foot? I usually do not believe it that kind of stuff, but I'm still sending in my suggestion that Roy Williams be put on the cover of Madden '07.
* Any chance we can get EA Sports to make a Madden MLB game? A.J. Pierzynski would look great on the front.
* Finally, I have heard a lot of general commentary that too big of a deal was made out of the NFL's return to New Orleans last night and, in my opinion, those who are questioning the "hype" are missing the point. As most of you know, New Orleans is one of my favorite cities in the U.S. and it will always hold a special spot in my heart ("thewife" graduated from Tulane, we got engaged on the steps of St. Louis Cathedral, I once drank three Hand Grenades at Tropical Isle, there is a Margaritaville there). That said, last year after Hurricane Katrina practically destroyed the city, it was reasonable to assume that the NFL would never return. Yet, thirteen months later, there's professional football being played once again down on the bayou. No, the return of the Saints to the Superdome does not solve the continuing problems in the Crescent City and does not mean that the city is, by any means, "back," but the Saints are an important part of the culture of New Orleans and anything that allows the people of New Orleans to feel a sense of pre-Katrina normalcy once again, is cause for celebration in my book.
I also thought that ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football on ESPN and Brought to You by ESPN (sponsored by ESPN) did a terrific job with the coverage (with the exception of the five agonizing minutes when Spike Lee was interviewed in the booth). The production and announcing remained in the backround and let the pictures tell the story. Bravo to ESPN and Geaux Saints!
Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB Week-in-Review
First of all, congrautations to Slappers' team owner Todd Erdman, his wife Becky and their son Matthew on the birth of Harrison Daniel Erdman! At 8 lbs, 12 oz, he may want to consider taking over the Chiefs' left tackle position.
An interesting week in the RSFC, as potential sleeping giants Who You Crappin (101 pts) and Mr. October (91 pts) may have woken up and previously unbeaten teams like The Prosthetic Legs (46 pts) and Trailer Park Touchdowns (48 pts) may have shown their true colors. In any event, we enter Week 4 with three teams carrying 3-0 records, three teams at 2-1, three teams at 1-2 and a triumverate of teams looking, at this point, like they are as likely to win a game as Marilyn Manson is to be invited to sing at the Birmingham Southern Baptist Church. As always, only time will tell.
Game of the Week
* Spanky 50, Short Bus Experience 49
Not a particularily exciting game coming down the stretch, but anytime a game is decided by a single point it is worthy of being named the Game of the Week. Spanky runs its record to 3-0 behind 17 points from Donovan McNabb and 10 from kicker Jeff Wilkins. Short Bus just could not overcome zeros from Samkon Gado and Jemaine Wiggins and must be upset that he fell only one point short and has to live with 59 receiving yards from Steven Jackson, 78 yards from Laverneus Coles and a late game fumble by Marc Bulger that may not have cost the Rams a win, but ultimately cost Brian M a tie in the battle for the top of the Paris Division.
(For those of you not involved in the RSFC... (a) thanks for still reading, and (b) you get a point for every 20 yards rushing or receiving and fumbles are -1 point, so finishing with 59 or 78 yards stinks worse than Jerry's car after he got it back from the valet parking service)
Most Valuable Player
* Brian Westbrook (Who You Crappin) with 25 points
It would have been easy to go with the week's top scorer (Matt Hasselbeck) but 31-point games from QBs are a lot more common that 25-point games from running backs. Westbrook, who entered the game questionable with a leg injury, was sensational, scoring three TDs against the 49ers sad defense. Where is Ronnie Lott and the long-necked Merton Hanks when you need them?
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Matt Hasselbeck (Mr. October) with 31 points (Bald Matt is going to have to continue to play like Rex Gross... er... like Joe Montana if Seattle is going to continue to have success with last season's MVP, Shaun Alexander, sidelined indefinitely).
- Carson Palmer (Loafers) with 24 points (Palmer turned the ball over four times, but threw an equal number of TD passes)
- Willie Parker (Nickel Slots) with 18 points (Eli Manning actually scored more points for Tom this week, but I am hesitant to award someone who downright sucked when the game mattered and then padded his stats in garbage time. Don't know what I'm talking about? Think Steroid Sammy).
Least Valuable Player
* Chad Johnson (WWJBD) with 0 points
One catch? Eleven yards? That's a pretty cool blonde mohawk you got working, though, Chad. Steelers' cornerback Deshea Townsend is probably pretty upset about the loss, but at least he can put a check next to your name on the list in his locker.
Least Valuable Player: Dishonorable Mention
- Donte Stallworth (Trailer Park Touchdowns) with 0 points (Stallworth's hamstring hurts more often than Tera Patrick's back. At least she still gives it a go every week).
- Randy McMichael (Slappers) with 0 points (It has been an incredibly successful year so far for McMichael. Oh sure, he has sucked on the field, but at least he hasn't been arrested for beating his wife for a couple of months).
- Samkon Gado (Short Bus Experience) with nary a carry (Samkon was a tremendous fantasy surprise late last season after Ahman Green, Najeh Davenport, Dorsey Levens, Edgar Bennett, and Eddie Lee Ivery all went down with an injury. Sorry, Samkon it's 2006 and your career is over).
Best Coaching Decision
* Play Tampa Bay Buccaneers D/ST (6 pts) and sit Washington Redskins D/ST (4 pts): Spanky
When you have two fair-to-good defenses, choosing which one to play is like choosing between the McDonald's that is 400 yards to the left and the one that is 400 yards to the right. You just have to hope that you pick the one that did not get the box of grub infested burgers. Mark's decision to play Tampa over Washington only resulted in an additional two points, but when you win your game by only one, you deserve a hearty pat on the back. Eat up!
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Play Dallas Clark (7 pts) over Chris Cooley (0 pts): Nickel Slots (Choosing between two mediocre tight ends is like choosing between Wendy's and Burger King...)
- Pick up and play Jon Kitna (17 pts), while dropping Chris Simms (one ruptured spleen, one blood transfusion): WWJBD (This deserves recognition because of the future implications. Kitna has the potential to score two, maybe three points in upcoming weeks. Simms has the potential to watch a lot of Who's the Boss reruns).
- Play Joey Galloway (6 pts) over Rod Smith (2 pts): Loafers (In a week that was frightenly weak in Best Coaching Decision of the Week candidates, it is impressive that both of Bill's receivers were able to put their walkers down for long enough to play. Loafers played the one who scored on the field and then again with Ethel Goldstein at the Golden Slumbers' swing dance later that night).
Worst Coaching Decision
* Play Laverneus Coles (3 pts) over T.J. Houshmanzdilly (16 pts): Short Bus Experience
I really cannot fault Brian M for keeping Houshmanzadeath on the bench given the questions surrounding his playing status, but his decision to play Coles is one that he has to look back on with at least some regret in a one-point loss. Houshmanzadallop came back strong from his heel injury and scored twice while Coles was limited to 78 yards. My guess is that Houshmanzadontyouwishyouhadanamethatwasthiscool rides the Short Bus the rest of the season.
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Kurt Warner (7 pts) over Brett Favre (24 pts): The Prosthetic Legs (Favre stepped back in time and lit up the scoreboard while Warner became the biggest goat in the desert since those Nevada famers got a little crazy with a plutomium rod. A decision that cost Dan (me) the game).
- Play Michael Jenkins (1 pt) and Donte Stallworth (thirty- two trips to training table) over Nate Burleson (8 pts): Trailer Park Touchdowns (Give Paul a break... he is still new to the RSFC. Nobody tell him that you do not get points for cortizone shots or electrical stimulation treatments).
- Pick up and play Jermaine Wiggins (0 pts) over Bo Scaife (7 pts), Eric Johnson (10 pts), Mark Breuner (6 pts), Chris Baker (6 pts) and Owen Daniels (6 pts): Short Bus Experience (With regular tight end Antonio Gates watching tapes of his 27-point performance in a loss to the Indiana Hoosiers (they had both a 'D' and an 'O' back then) in the 2002 Regional Finals while on bye, Brain M needed a tight end. Whoops! He would have gotten the same number of points had he chosen Tim Wrightman).
Gotta go. I hear Rex is posting pictures of Mike Holmgren eating an entire walrus. I've gotta check that out!
***Today's Sports Trivia Question: Dan McGwire was the first QB selected in the 1991 NFL draft when the Seattle Seahwaks took him with the 16th overall pick. In fact, the draft was incredibly weak as far as quarterbacks go with only seven selected in the first five rounds. Six of the seven are the memorable Todd Marinovich (24th pick); Browning Nagle (34th pick); Scott Zolak (84th pick); Donald Hollas (99th pick); and Bill Musgrave (106th pick). The seventh was selected #33 overall by the Falcons and went on to have an excellent career. Who was he?
Think that is easy? The Beara also selected a QB in the '91 draft with the 190th overall pick. Who was the former Arizona State signal caller picked by Chicago? It's a toughie...
Friday, September 22, 2006
Hey look! There's a Barcelona Dragons' Football in the Vomit Bucket!
Visit my basement and you will see autographed photos of baseball Hall-of-Famers Ernie Banks, Frank Robinson and Juan Marichal. There is a baseball from the 1983 All-Star Game (autographed for some bizarre reason by former Cubs Steve Lake and Scot Thompson. Exactly what all-star teams did they play for? The Northern Montana Independent League? The Great American Beer Palace Beer-Chugging Viking All-Stars?) and baseballs autographed by Roberto Clemente, the 1985 World Champion Kansas City Royals and the 1963 Chicago Cubs (including Cuno Barragan, Lindy McDaniel and, get this, Lou Brock). There is an autographed photo of Michael Jordan, a really cool replica model of the real Assembly Hall, and a game-used Billy Williams bat. There is also a hockey stick autographed by the immortal Jeff Shantz, a bunch of signed Chicago Blackhawks' pucks and a whole bunch of other stuff that I am awfully proud of.
(Cue the "We're happy for you" sound effect. And then cue Harry Teinowitz telling us how Brad Maynard is the Bears' MVP, Dan McNeil talking about how you should take Sacramento State over Cal-State Northridge this weekend and lay the points and Jurko discussing the effects that the extra large burrito had on his intestinal tract. And follow that up with a Heavenly Bodies commercial).
One thing you will not see, however, is a hockey puck emblazoned with the Charlotte Checkers logo. I assure you that there is absolutely no way that you will see a Checkers puck.
You see there are certain things that I simply do not do. I don't dance the Macarena, I don't get jiggy with it, and I do not, under any circumstances, reach into a urinal to retrieve a $3.99 cyndrical mound of galvanized rubber. Apparently, there are a number of people who do, however. Who even knew that Puck from the Real World, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and the kid from your first-grade class who ate dead bugs and licked his desk clean moved to Charlotte?
The truth is that it was a rather simple marketing gimmick and a decent idea at that. Put the logo of the ECHL's Charlotte Checkers on a bunch of pucks and place them in urinals all over the city. The concept makes perfect sense and I can clearly picture how it was all supposed to play out. Billy Bob drinks fourteen Busch Lights and a quart of moonshine. Billy Bob goes to the john. Billy Bob stares into urinal while emptying his bladder. Billy Bob suddenly decides that rather than taking Ellie Sue to the Jeff Foxworthy film festival or the racoon eating contest, he will go to the Checkers game on Saturday night instead. Boy, better get the Billy Ray Cyrus wifebeater out of the trunk, put the stars and bars in the back window and soup up the engine!
And as long as nobody's looking... we'll looky here, I just got me a brand new hockey thing-a-ma-jigger.
Yes, hygiene conscious readers of the Random Thoughts, the fine folks in the heart of Nascar country are reaching into the urinals and stealing the urine soaked pucks. They must look mighty nice displayed next to a model of the General E. Lee.
At least, the Checkers' management has a sense of humor. In response to the stolen pucks, the Checkers issued a mock public service announcement, complete with a person with an exaggerated southern accent saying "hey look what I found...a hockey puck!" (try and read it like a drunken Jethro Bodine. It works better). The PSA ends with the President of the Checkers pleading "whoever you are, please, wash your hands." The PSA was coupled with a print campaign that includes highway billboards that read "The disgusting thing is not that we're going to play with the puck. It's that we're going to shove it down Greenville's throat Friday night." Genius.
* Somebody call the San Francisco Giants' clubhouse and get me Moises Alou. I have a great idea. I just thought of a terrific new way to toughen up one's esophagus.
* Quarterback Billy Volek was traded from the Tennessee Titans to the San Diego Chargers on Wednesday, a move that had been expected for more than a week. And so why wasn't the trade made earlier if both teams had agreed on the particulars? Well, Tennessee had a date with San Diego in week two and they understandably did not want Volek heading to the Chargers' lockerroom with the Titans' playbook in hand (not that the Bolts' really needed any help to beat that sad sack of crap). Can you imagine what the final score would have been if San Diego had a copy of Tennessee's formations and plays? They would have gotten beat worse that the Rancho Carne Toros. I can't even fathom such a situation where one team gets a copy of the others playbook save for the time that Fairview's dreamy star Jerry Rogers swiped Greg's playbook and Marcia was forced to face the cold, hard reality that guys just wanted to date her because she could help them win the big game or because they wanted to see if they could do the impossible and live up to what remains the greatest challenge in the history of mankind... deflowering the one and only eldest Brady daughter.
But, what would have happened if Volek (who was inactive but still listed as the team's emergency quarterback) had been forced into action and had to take the field knowing that he would in just a couple of days be saying goodbye to Trisha Yearwood concerts and visiting the childhood homes of Reese Witherspoon and the actress who played Lisa Turtle and hello to day trips to Tijuana ("the happiest place on earth" according to Krusty) watching Ron Burgandy on the Action News and helping Simon & Simon (who incidently are not brothers in real life, only on television**) run their private detective agency? What if Kerry Collins left the stadium at halftime for a long-overdue rendevous with a fifth of Jack Daniels? And with Collins passed out in a pool of his own filth, what if the proctor who administered Vince Young's Wunderlic test showed up at the game, causing Vince to curl into the fetal position like Pink Floyd after achieving his goal of becoming comfortably numb? What would Volek have done?
I suppose he would have been obligated to do his best and try to lead Tennessee to a victory. After all, at that point he was still officially a member of the Titans. But can you imagine if the Titans had actually won the game and, when all was said and done, the Chargers ended up missing the playoffs by one lousy game? Shawn Merriman, one of the best defensive players in the game with the potential to some day become the absolute best (is that better?), probably would have made him eat spinach from San Benito or Monterey County and forced him to fish San Diego Gulls pucks out of the toilets at Louie Kelcher and Chuck Muncie's old hangouts. Now that is disgusting!
* So which third baseman is going to win the American League Gold Glove? If I had a vote I would choose either Aramis Ramirez, Eric Soderholm or Herb Dorn. Yes, I know that one plays in the National League, one retired from baseball in 1980 and now runs a ticket broker service in Hinsdale, and the other only exists in the same world as Pedro Cerrano and Jake Taylor. But, apparently, thanks to good ol' Ozzie, voting for the Gold Glove awards should be taken about as seriously as Newman's claim that he was going to jump off the apartment building and commit suicide.
You see, Ozzie has announced that he is going to vote for Tony Batista. The problem is that Batista was released on June 14 and has spent the last three months back in the Dominican Republic selling bootlegged jeans, eating fried grasshoppers and helping Steroid Sammy find the Dominican equivalent of Flintstone vitamins. Ozzie openly says that he will be voting for Batista because he is not permitted to vote for White Sox third baseman Joe Crede, who he thinks should be the rightful winner, and does not want A's cornerman Eric Chavez to win the award.
Ozzie's reasoning makes some sense when one looks at the situation from a 50,000 foot level, but, like Homer said... "in theory communism works." The bottom line is that his action makes an absolute mockery of the voting process and the award in general. Everyone knows that the coaches who vote in the Top 25 college football and basketball polls take it about as seriously as Mrs. Krabappel took Bart's claims that there was a gremlin damaging the side of the Springfield Elementary School Bus, but this is the first indication that postseason baseball awards are treatd in the same manner. I can see Ozzie's ballot now... Nick Punto for MVP, Boof Bonser for the Cy Young and Bafia 99 for Rookie of the Year (crud, Ozzie cannot vote for a guy who is employed with the Sox can he? I guess he will just have to go with Les Wadrond). If Ozzie is serious about voting for Batista, and there is no reason to doubt that he is, his voting rights for all postseason awards rescinded immediately. Come to think of it, with the way he has acted for the majority of this season, he really ought to be sent to bed without supper and not be allowed to go to Joey Cora's upcoming birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. Want to act like a child? Well then, we'll treat you like a child.
* You know, after last weekend, he really ought to think about voting Frank Thomas for MVP... Of course, that would be as shocking as seeing someone reach into a urinal to retrieve a batting donut with the Oakland A's logo on it.
* Anyone else thankful that those stupid Ford commercials with American Idol Taylor Hicks have finally run their course. Sheesh, they played those stupid things every four minutes. The only person who has received more air time was the guy who was jealous that all of his friends were getting Dell computers .
* Finally, thank you to everyone who commented in response to Monday's post about Eric Gordon and the Illinois - Indiana recruiting battle. It appears as though almost everyone agrees that IU has not enagaged in any unethical behavior in continuing to recruit Eric despite his verbal "commitment." In fact, this week, Gordon's high school coach publicly stated that the decision to "reopen" Eric's recruitment and talk with Sampson and IU was a "mutual decision," jointly inititated by the Iniana coaching staff and the Gordon family.
To follow-up, Gordon has announced that he will not make a decision this week, as expected, but will be in Bloomington with his parents this Saturday attending the Iniana (the football team has no 'd' either) - Connecticut football game. What this means is anyone's guess. It appears, however, that Gordon is still leaning (fairly strongly) toward Illinois, but his father is pushing him pretty hard toward IU and wants him to make one final trip to the Iniana campus before making up his mind. I still feel that Eric should do what is best for him and follow his heart, which I feel is leading him across the border and into Champaign-Urbana.
While waiting for Gordon's decision, the Iniana athletic department has been quite busy this week. Besides announcing $55 million in athletic facility capital improvements, that will include a renovation of the real Memorial Stadium and the construction of a state of the art basketball practice facility (expected to be ready in time for the '07-08 season), Sampson and AD Rick Greenspan also found time to meet with Mark Cuban who issued a statement of "full support" for Sampson and the IU program. How this all plays into the Gordon situation is unclear, but the timing is rather strange.
I gotta go. I just dropped my old Chicago Hustle mouth guard into the toilet. Have a great weekend!
** Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: While supposed to be giving an academic report, who famously said "So you see, Simon and Simon are not brothers in real life, only on television?" Extra credit to anyone who can tell me what the report was supposed to be on.
(Cue the "We're happy for you" sound effect. And then cue Harry Teinowitz telling us how Brad Maynard is the Bears' MVP, Dan McNeil talking about how you should take Sacramento State over Cal-State Northridge this weekend and lay the points and Jurko discussing the effects that the extra large burrito had on his intestinal tract. And follow that up with a Heavenly Bodies commercial).
One thing you will not see, however, is a hockey puck emblazoned with the Charlotte Checkers logo. I assure you that there is absolutely no way that you will see a Checkers puck.
You see there are certain things that I simply do not do. I don't dance the Macarena, I don't get jiggy with it, and I do not, under any circumstances, reach into a urinal to retrieve a $3.99 cyndrical mound of galvanized rubber. Apparently, there are a number of people who do, however. Who even knew that Puck from the Real World, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and the kid from your first-grade class who ate dead bugs and licked his desk clean moved to Charlotte?
The truth is that it was a rather simple marketing gimmick and a decent idea at that. Put the logo of the ECHL's Charlotte Checkers on a bunch of pucks and place them in urinals all over the city. The concept makes perfect sense and I can clearly picture how it was all supposed to play out. Billy Bob drinks fourteen Busch Lights and a quart of moonshine. Billy Bob goes to the john. Billy Bob stares into urinal while emptying his bladder. Billy Bob suddenly decides that rather than taking Ellie Sue to the Jeff Foxworthy film festival or the racoon eating contest, he will go to the Checkers game on Saturday night instead. Boy, better get the Billy Ray Cyrus wifebeater out of the trunk, put the stars and bars in the back window and soup up the engine!
And as long as nobody's looking... we'll looky here, I just got me a brand new hockey thing-a-ma-jigger.
Yes, hygiene conscious readers of the Random Thoughts, the fine folks in the heart of Nascar country are reaching into the urinals and stealing the urine soaked pucks. They must look mighty nice displayed next to a model of the General E. Lee.
At least, the Checkers' management has a sense of humor. In response to the stolen pucks, the Checkers issued a mock public service announcement, complete with a person with an exaggerated southern accent saying "hey look what I found...a hockey puck!" (try and read it like a drunken Jethro Bodine. It works better). The PSA ends with the President of the Checkers pleading "whoever you are, please, wash your hands." The PSA was coupled with a print campaign that includes highway billboards that read "The disgusting thing is not that we're going to play with the puck. It's that we're going to shove it down Greenville's throat Friday night." Genius.
* Somebody call the San Francisco Giants' clubhouse and get me Moises Alou. I have a great idea. I just thought of a terrific new way to toughen up one's esophagus.
* Quarterback Billy Volek was traded from the Tennessee Titans to the San Diego Chargers on Wednesday, a move that had been expected for more than a week. And so why wasn't the trade made earlier if both teams had agreed on the particulars? Well, Tennessee had a date with San Diego in week two and they understandably did not want Volek heading to the Chargers' lockerroom with the Titans' playbook in hand (not that the Bolts' really needed any help to beat that sad sack of crap). Can you imagine what the final score would have been if San Diego had a copy of Tennessee's formations and plays? They would have gotten beat worse that the Rancho Carne Toros. I can't even fathom such a situation where one team gets a copy of the others playbook save for the time that Fairview's dreamy star Jerry Rogers swiped Greg's playbook and Marcia was forced to face the cold, hard reality that guys just wanted to date her because she could help them win the big game or because they wanted to see if they could do the impossible and live up to what remains the greatest challenge in the history of mankind... deflowering the one and only eldest Brady daughter.
But, what would have happened if Volek (who was inactive but still listed as the team's emergency quarterback) had been forced into action and had to take the field knowing that he would in just a couple of days be saying goodbye to Trisha Yearwood concerts and visiting the childhood homes of Reese Witherspoon and the actress who played Lisa Turtle and hello to day trips to Tijuana ("the happiest place on earth" according to Krusty) watching Ron Burgandy on the Action News and helping Simon & Simon (who incidently are not brothers in real life, only on television**) run their private detective agency? What if Kerry Collins left the stadium at halftime for a long-overdue rendevous with a fifth of Jack Daniels? And with Collins passed out in a pool of his own filth, what if the proctor who administered Vince Young's Wunderlic test showed up at the game, causing Vince to curl into the fetal position like Pink Floyd after achieving his goal of becoming comfortably numb? What would Volek have done?
I suppose he would have been obligated to do his best and try to lead Tennessee to a victory. After all, at that point he was still officially a member of the Titans. But can you imagine if the Titans had actually won the game and, when all was said and done, the Chargers ended up missing the playoffs by one lousy game? Shawn Merriman, one of the best defensive players in the game with the potential to some day become the absolute best (is that better?), probably would have made him eat spinach from San Benito or Monterey County and forced him to fish San Diego Gulls pucks out of the toilets at Louie Kelcher and Chuck Muncie's old hangouts. Now that is disgusting!
* So which third baseman is going to win the American League Gold Glove? If I had a vote I would choose either Aramis Ramirez, Eric Soderholm or Herb Dorn. Yes, I know that one plays in the National League, one retired from baseball in 1980 and now runs a ticket broker service in Hinsdale, and the other only exists in the same world as Pedro Cerrano and Jake Taylor. But, apparently, thanks to good ol' Ozzie, voting for the Gold Glove awards should be taken about as seriously as Newman's claim that he was going to jump off the apartment building and commit suicide.
You see, Ozzie has announced that he is going to vote for Tony Batista. The problem is that Batista was released on June 14 and has spent the last three months back in the Dominican Republic selling bootlegged jeans, eating fried grasshoppers and helping Steroid Sammy find the Dominican equivalent of Flintstone vitamins. Ozzie openly says that he will be voting for Batista because he is not permitted to vote for White Sox third baseman Joe Crede, who he thinks should be the rightful winner, and does not want A's cornerman Eric Chavez to win the award.
Ozzie's reasoning makes some sense when one looks at the situation from a 50,000 foot level, but, like Homer said... "in theory communism works." The bottom line is that his action makes an absolute mockery of the voting process and the award in general. Everyone knows that the coaches who vote in the Top 25 college football and basketball polls take it about as seriously as Mrs. Krabappel took Bart's claims that there was a gremlin damaging the side of the Springfield Elementary School Bus, but this is the first indication that postseason baseball awards are treatd in the same manner. I can see Ozzie's ballot now... Nick Punto for MVP, Boof Bonser for the Cy Young and Bafia 99 for Rookie of the Year (crud, Ozzie cannot vote for a guy who is employed with the Sox can he? I guess he will just have to go with Les Wadrond). If Ozzie is serious about voting for Batista, and there is no reason to doubt that he is, his voting rights for all postseason awards rescinded immediately. Come to think of it, with the way he has acted for the majority of this season, he really ought to be sent to bed without supper and not be allowed to go to Joey Cora's upcoming birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. Want to act like a child? Well then, we'll treat you like a child.
* You know, after last weekend, he really ought to think about voting Frank Thomas for MVP... Of course, that would be as shocking as seeing someone reach into a urinal to retrieve a batting donut with the Oakland A's logo on it.
* Anyone else thankful that those stupid Ford commercials with American Idol Taylor Hicks have finally run their course. Sheesh, they played those stupid things every four minutes. The only person who has received more air time was the guy who was jealous that all of his friends were getting Dell computers .
* Finally, thank you to everyone who commented in response to Monday's post about Eric Gordon and the Illinois - Indiana recruiting battle. It appears as though almost everyone agrees that IU has not enagaged in any unethical behavior in continuing to recruit Eric despite his verbal "commitment." In fact, this week, Gordon's high school coach publicly stated that the decision to "reopen" Eric's recruitment and talk with Sampson and IU was a "mutual decision," jointly inititated by the Iniana coaching staff and the Gordon family.
To follow-up, Gordon has announced that he will not make a decision this week, as expected, but will be in Bloomington with his parents this Saturday attending the Iniana (the football team has no 'd' either) - Connecticut football game. What this means is anyone's guess. It appears, however, that Gordon is still leaning (fairly strongly) toward Illinois, but his father is pushing him pretty hard toward IU and wants him to make one final trip to the Iniana campus before making up his mind. I still feel that Eric should do what is best for him and follow his heart, which I feel is leading him across the border and into Champaign-Urbana.
While waiting for Gordon's decision, the Iniana athletic department has been quite busy this week. Besides announcing $55 million in athletic facility capital improvements, that will include a renovation of the real Memorial Stadium and the construction of a state of the art basketball practice facility (expected to be ready in time for the '07-08 season), Sampson and AD Rick Greenspan also found time to meet with Mark Cuban who issued a statement of "full support" for Sampson and the IU program. How this all plays into the Gordon situation is unclear, but the timing is rather strange.
I gotta go. I just dropped my old Chicago Hustle mouth guard into the toilet. Have a great weekend!
** Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: While supposed to be giving an academic report, who famously said "So you see, Simon and Simon are not brothers in real life, only on television?" Extra credit to anyone who can tell me what the report was supposed to be on.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
What About Poor Archie and Danny?
Gotta be fairly brief today (brief, that is, for me). Let's cover the Bears and the NFL in general "quick hits" style before getting to the RSFC WIR...
* I have to admit that Rex the Wonder Dog has been sensational so far this season, but lets not start construction on the Grossman wing of the Hall of Fame quite yet. Sure, he is proving to be no Rick Mirer, but he isn't quite Dan Marino or Jim Kelly either. I cannot argue with the overall numbers, but the abhorrent interception that was called back due to the Lions' pure stupidity creeps into my head every time I want to completely trust that Rex is the right guy for the job. The bottom line is that I'm not convinced quite yet (but I will say that I am moving in the right direction).
* If nothing else, Rex has certainly made believers out of the last week's television announcers. They gushed over his throws like teenage girls at a John Mayer concert. The truth? Most of Rex's throws were on the money, but the TD toss to Berrian was grossly overthrown and all the credit really needs to go to Berrian, who made a sensational grab. Those who think that all of Rex's throws were perfect in that game, need to put down the Rexberry kool-aid. Oh yeah, and then there is that interception.
* I'm still awfully concerned about the running game. Jones, Sayers-Payton-Benson and Peterson combined for 86 yards on 32 carries. For those of you who have been living in an Afghan cave all your lives and are new to American Football. That, my friends, is not good.
* Let's also wait a few more weeks before we make reservations for Desmond Clark and his family at Roy's on the leeward side of the island of Oahu. Clark is obviously off to a terrific start, but there is a lot of football left to be played. If he wants to schedule his February air travel to Hawaii now, he better not be disappointed if the highlight of his trip is a sojourn to Pearl Harbor or an evening listening to Jake Shimbakuro on Waikiki Beach and not a 24-yard catch in the Pro Bowl.
* Something tells me that that is not the way you were supposed to play, Roy. Unless you were supposed to suck.
And now a quick trip around the NFL...
* Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers is quickly becoming the best defensive player in the NFL. That's right...the best. Better than the overrated Ray Lewis. Better than the underrated Dwight Freeney. Better than Briscoe High School's Troy Polamalu. And, yes, (and I say this is full realization that the following statement will not win me many friends around here) he is better than Brian Urlacher too.
* Making such a statement i in this town is akin to saying that Mike Ditka and Dick Butkus are apron wearing pansies. I am now officially afraid to step outside.
* Daunte Culpepper is cetainly back to his early '05 form, complete with a fabulous assortment of overthrows, underthrows, fumbles and bad reads. Better hide his sailor hat.
* It had to be annnoying week for fantasy football owners of the Colts' main two receiving threats, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison. Oh sure, Wayne finished the game against the Texans with 135 yards and Harrison had an impressive 127, but the Colts' receiving TDs were scored by Bryan Fletcher, Joseph Addai and Bradon Stokely. Talk about feeling unsatisfied, eh Teddy KGB? This is a little like going to dinner with Elizabeth Hurley... going dancing with Elizabeth Hurley... having a night cap with Elizabeth Hurley... and waking up the next morning alone.
* Hey, at least you did not wake up with Divine Brown.
* Watching a battle between Buccaneers and Raiders would be pretty sweet. Swords flying, sculls cracking, and assorted other both parts being mutilated. Watching a football game between the Buccaneers and Raiders, however, would be as brutal as a Designing Women marathon.
* Unless the cheerleaders decide to brawl. Heck, I'd even watch Chris Simms and Aaron Brooks play chinese checkers if the Tampa cheerleaders were involved and I was promised hair pulling and clothes ripping.
* I'd like to take this time to officially name the Tampa Bay Cheerleaders as the official cheerleaders of the RT. Please feel free to come on over to my house any time to pick up your prize, ladies.
Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB League Week-in-Review
(By the way, if you are not involved in the RSFC, but would like to see what all the hub-bub is about, please visit the league home page at: http://rsfclub.football.sportsline.com/)
After two weeks of action, the RSFC FFB League pretty much consists of the haves and the have nots. For the first time in the six-year history of the league, every team finds themselves either 2-0 or 0-2, setting up a crucial week after which three teams are guaranteed to be 3-0 and well on their way to the playoffs, while three other teams will be 0-3 and in a rather big hole that will be difficult, although not impossible, to climb out of. Of course the 2005 Chicago Bears started off their season 1-3 before winning 10 of their last 12 to capture the NFC Central title, offering at least a little hope to those teams who find themselves winless after three weeks.
On to the highlights and lowlights from Week 2...
Game of the Week
For the second consecutive week, none of the games in the RSFC was particularily compelling. Sure, the performance of the Jacksonville defense made things at least a little interesting in the Spanky-Slappers matchup, but a 20-point deficit was simply too much to overcome as Spanky held on for a 73-67 victory. The only other game that was in doubt entering the Sunday night game was the Prosthetic Legs -- Mr. October contest, but the performance of the Dallas defense and the utter futility of the Redskins' offense, allowed Dan to stretch the lead out to an insurmountable 19 points entering ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football Brought to you by ESPN in conjunction with ESPN Sports (Sponsored by ESPN). But something has to be named the Game of the Week and I will go with the Cubs' 4-0 victory over the Reds on Saturday in order to celebrate Rich Hill's late season success. For those of you who haven't paid attention since the Cubs were eliminated from contention during the second week of May, Hill has been sensational lately, giving up only six earned runs in his last 45 innings with 44 strikeouts (4-1 record; 1.00 ERA). The way this season has gone for the Cubs, we need to trumpet every success we can find.
Most Valuable Player
* Peyton Manning (Trailer Park Touchdowns) with 26 points
Going into the game, you knew that the Texans had about as much chance of stopping the Colts offense as Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn had in being invited to baby Shiloh's christening. Well, Peyton certainly did not disappoint, racking up 400 yards passing and three touchdowns in the game played at the giant bubble formally known as the Hoosier Dome. Manning is especially deserving of this award seeing as how he accounted for 44% of Paul's total points.
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Eli Manning (Nickel Slots) with 24 points (Peyton's younger brother was almost as productive with 371 yards and three TD)
- Cooper Manning (Howard, Weil, Labouisse & Fredreichs Energy Research Firm) (Peyton's older brother ate an unprecedented fourteen hot dogs while watching the Colts - Giants game in week one. He then ate sixty-two Hershey's kisses and passed out at his desk last Wednesday when he was supposed to be researching the possibility of converting all of New Orleans' plastic bead manufacturing facilities to solar power. Set the New Orleans record for most Hurricanes drank by a guy with spinal stenosis in a two-hour period of time)
- Danieal Manning (Chicago Bears) (Became the first player named "Danieal" in the history of the NFL to record a solo tackle. Also ate sixty-two Hershey's kisses when dared to do so by Alfonso Boone. Won an autographed Maurice Douglass jock strap for his efforts).
- Ricky Manning Jr. (Chicago Bears) (Has now made 18 consecutive trips to Denny's without beating anyone up)
- Curtis Manning (CTU: Los Angeles) (Reportedly the only character to ever take a bullet twice and still survive in the history of the greatest television action show of all time. Lead the sting operation that was successful in identifying Vladimir Bierko's final target. Invoked Article 12 to relieve Lynn McGill from his duties).
- Donovan McManning... er McNabb (Spanky) with 20 points (McNabb was sensational in the Eagles' loss to the Giants. Terrell who?)
Least Valuable Player
* Tiki Barber (Slappers) with 4 points
It is not as if Tiki was terrible on Sunday, it is just that Todd has got to expect more than four points out of his #1 draft pick. Of course, injured novelist Paul Shelton expected a lot more help out of Annie Wilkes and we all know how that turned out. Four points out of your top player is painful when you wind up losing by only six.
Least Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Cadillac Williams (WWJBD) with 1 point (Just as The Jerk ought to change his dog's name to sh*thead, Williams ought to think about changing his name to Pinto)
- Jeremy Shockey (Loafers) with 0 points (Shockey has been battling an ankle injury thus far this year and was held to 17 yards receiving)
- Lee Evans (JEB Fins) with 0 points (Don't worry, Brian... like cold weather, snow and new child molestation allegations against Michael Jackson, I'm sure Evans' three touchdown game will come sometime).
Best Coaching Decision
* Play Antonio Bryant (12 pts) over Matt Jones (3 pts) and Kevan Barlow (2 pts): Shabbit
Not a game changing decision, but an impressive one nonetheless. Bryant has been an enigma during his first four seasons in the NFL, but like the Tanner family, Uncle Jesse and Joey, Antonio seems to have found a home in San Francisco. Bryant has 245 yards in two games and scored in week two, rewarding Joe C. for his faith that he could get the job done. The key was selecting Bryant over Matt Jones as putting Kevan Barlow in your lineup has got to feel about as comfortable as walking though South Central in a "Mark Fuhrman Fan Club" t-shirt.
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Pick up and play Matt Stover (14 pts) and drop Steven Gostkowski (6 pts): Prosthetic Legs (Those of you involved in the RSFC who have been paying attention should be well aware of my belief that kickers are a dime-a-dozen in fantasy football. In fact, I believe this so strongly that I have decided to put my money where my mouth is and start a different kicker every week of the regular season or as long as supplies last. My selection in week two certainly paid off big).
- Play Phillip Rivers (10 pts) over Jake Plummer (2 pts): Shabbit (It takes real guts to start a rookie who is seeing serious action in only his second game, especially one who only threw 11 passes in his first game. Of course, in my opinion, it takes a complete lack of sense to trust your fortunes to Jake Plummer)
- Play Reggie Brown (7 pts) over Kevin Jones (1 pt): WWJBD (Regardless of whether he is going up against the Chicago Bears, the Cal Golden Bears or the Maine Black Bears, it is not easy to sit your #2 RB in favor of a receiver with 45 career receptions. The receiver only managed to push his career reception total to 46 put his one catch was good for a TD and seven fantasy points).
Worst Coaching Decision
* Play Josh Brown (3 pts) over Robbie Gould (10 pts): Slappers
What could possibly have been the reason Todd picked up Gould, if he was not planning on playing him? Last I checked, there still is no rule that requires that each team have two kickers, so why add Gould? Think Slappers could not have used those seven additional points in a six-point loss? Ouch!
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Jake Delhomme (3 pts) over David Carr (21 pts): JEB Fins (Delhomme without Steve Smith is like Lenny without Squiggy. It just doesn't feel right and leaves you all empty inside).
- Play Rod Smith (0 pts) over Drew Bennett (8 pts): Loafers (The hard and fast rule in '06 is to stay away from all things associated with Tennessee, except Faith Hill, so who knew that Bennett would be the right call?)
- Play Mark Clayton (1 pt) over Amani Toomer (18 pts): Short Bus Experience (Okay, let's be honest here, if you thought that Tommer was going to explode for 137 yards and 2 TD, you probably also predicted that Sean Marshall and Carlos Marmol would combine for five times more wins than Prior and Wood in '06. And you are also probably a liar).
Ringing the Bells
In week two, Dan played Tatum and sat Mike. Neither had a particularily good game, but Tatum's 69 yards outpaced Mike's 44, allowing the former to outscore the latter 3-2. Yahtzee!!!! Season Record: 2-0
Have a great day!
* I have to admit that Rex the Wonder Dog has been sensational so far this season, but lets not start construction on the Grossman wing of the Hall of Fame quite yet. Sure, he is proving to be no Rick Mirer, but he isn't quite Dan Marino or Jim Kelly either. I cannot argue with the overall numbers, but the abhorrent interception that was called back due to the Lions' pure stupidity creeps into my head every time I want to completely trust that Rex is the right guy for the job. The bottom line is that I'm not convinced quite yet (but I will say that I am moving in the right direction).
* If nothing else, Rex has certainly made believers out of the last week's television announcers. They gushed over his throws like teenage girls at a John Mayer concert. The truth? Most of Rex's throws were on the money, but the TD toss to Berrian was grossly overthrown and all the credit really needs to go to Berrian, who made a sensational grab. Those who think that all of Rex's throws were perfect in that game, need to put down the Rexberry kool-aid. Oh yeah, and then there is that interception.
* I'm still awfully concerned about the running game. Jones, Sayers-Payton-Benson and Peterson combined for 86 yards on 32 carries. For those of you who have been living in an Afghan cave all your lives and are new to American Football. That, my friends, is not good.
* Let's also wait a few more weeks before we make reservations for Desmond Clark and his family at Roy's on the leeward side of the island of Oahu. Clark is obviously off to a terrific start, but there is a lot of football left to be played. If he wants to schedule his February air travel to Hawaii now, he better not be disappointed if the highlight of his trip is a sojourn to Pearl Harbor or an evening listening to Jake Shimbakuro on Waikiki Beach and not a 24-yard catch in the Pro Bowl.
* Something tells me that that is not the way you were supposed to play, Roy. Unless you were supposed to suck.
And now a quick trip around the NFL...
* Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers is quickly becoming the best defensive player in the NFL. That's right...the best. Better than the overrated Ray Lewis. Better than the underrated Dwight Freeney. Better than Briscoe High School's Troy Polamalu. And, yes, (and I say this is full realization that the following statement will not win me many friends around here) he is better than Brian Urlacher too.
* Making such a statement i in this town is akin to saying that Mike Ditka and Dick Butkus are apron wearing pansies. I am now officially afraid to step outside.
* Daunte Culpepper is cetainly back to his early '05 form, complete with a fabulous assortment of overthrows, underthrows, fumbles and bad reads. Better hide his sailor hat.
* It had to be annnoying week for fantasy football owners of the Colts' main two receiving threats, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison. Oh sure, Wayne finished the game against the Texans with 135 yards and Harrison had an impressive 127, but the Colts' receiving TDs were scored by Bryan Fletcher, Joseph Addai and Bradon Stokely. Talk about feeling unsatisfied, eh Teddy KGB? This is a little like going to dinner with Elizabeth Hurley... going dancing with Elizabeth Hurley... having a night cap with Elizabeth Hurley... and waking up the next morning alone.
* Hey, at least you did not wake up with Divine Brown.
* Watching a battle between Buccaneers and Raiders would be pretty sweet. Swords flying, sculls cracking, and assorted other both parts being mutilated. Watching a football game between the Buccaneers and Raiders, however, would be as brutal as a Designing Women marathon.
* Unless the cheerleaders decide to brawl. Heck, I'd even watch Chris Simms and Aaron Brooks play chinese checkers if the Tampa cheerleaders were involved and I was promised hair pulling and clothes ripping.
* I'd like to take this time to officially name the Tampa Bay Cheerleaders as the official cheerleaders of the RT. Please feel free to come on over to my house any time to pick up your prize, ladies.
Rick Springfield Fan Club FFB League Week-in-Review
(By the way, if you are not involved in the RSFC, but would like to see what all the hub-bub is about, please visit the league home page at: http://rsfclub.football.sportsline.com/)
After two weeks of action, the RSFC FFB League pretty much consists of the haves and the have nots. For the first time in the six-year history of the league, every team finds themselves either 2-0 or 0-2, setting up a crucial week after which three teams are guaranteed to be 3-0 and well on their way to the playoffs, while three other teams will be 0-3 and in a rather big hole that will be difficult, although not impossible, to climb out of. Of course the 2005 Chicago Bears started off their season 1-3 before winning 10 of their last 12 to capture the NFC Central title, offering at least a little hope to those teams who find themselves winless after three weeks.
On to the highlights and lowlights from Week 2...
Game of the Week
For the second consecutive week, none of the games in the RSFC was particularily compelling. Sure, the performance of the Jacksonville defense made things at least a little interesting in the Spanky-Slappers matchup, but a 20-point deficit was simply too much to overcome as Spanky held on for a 73-67 victory. The only other game that was in doubt entering the Sunday night game was the Prosthetic Legs -- Mr. October contest, but the performance of the Dallas defense and the utter futility of the Redskins' offense, allowed Dan to stretch the lead out to an insurmountable 19 points entering ESPN's ESPN Monday Night Football Brought to you by ESPN in conjunction with ESPN Sports (Sponsored by ESPN). But something has to be named the Game of the Week and I will go with the Cubs' 4-0 victory over the Reds on Saturday in order to celebrate Rich Hill's late season success. For those of you who haven't paid attention since the Cubs were eliminated from contention during the second week of May, Hill has been sensational lately, giving up only six earned runs in his last 45 innings with 44 strikeouts (4-1 record; 1.00 ERA). The way this season has gone for the Cubs, we need to trumpet every success we can find.
Most Valuable Player
* Peyton Manning (Trailer Park Touchdowns) with 26 points
Going into the game, you knew that the Texans had about as much chance of stopping the Colts offense as Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn had in being invited to baby Shiloh's christening. Well, Peyton certainly did not disappoint, racking up 400 yards passing and three touchdowns in the game played at the giant bubble formally known as the Hoosier Dome. Manning is especially deserving of this award seeing as how he accounted for 44% of Paul's total points.
Most Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Eli Manning (Nickel Slots) with 24 points (Peyton's younger brother was almost as productive with 371 yards and three TD)
- Cooper Manning (Howard, Weil, Labouisse & Fredreichs Energy Research Firm) (Peyton's older brother ate an unprecedented fourteen hot dogs while watching the Colts - Giants game in week one. He then ate sixty-two Hershey's kisses and passed out at his desk last Wednesday when he was supposed to be researching the possibility of converting all of New Orleans' plastic bead manufacturing facilities to solar power. Set the New Orleans record for most Hurricanes drank by a guy with spinal stenosis in a two-hour period of time)
- Danieal Manning (Chicago Bears) (Became the first player named "Danieal" in the history of the NFL to record a solo tackle. Also ate sixty-two Hershey's kisses when dared to do so by Alfonso Boone. Won an autographed Maurice Douglass jock strap for his efforts).
- Ricky Manning Jr. (Chicago Bears) (Has now made 18 consecutive trips to Denny's without beating anyone up)
- Curtis Manning (CTU: Los Angeles) (Reportedly the only character to ever take a bullet twice and still survive in the history of the greatest television action show of all time. Lead the sting operation that was successful in identifying Vladimir Bierko's final target. Invoked Article 12 to relieve Lynn McGill from his duties).
- Donovan McManning... er McNabb (Spanky) with 20 points (McNabb was sensational in the Eagles' loss to the Giants. Terrell who?)
Least Valuable Player
* Tiki Barber (Slappers) with 4 points
It is not as if Tiki was terrible on Sunday, it is just that Todd has got to expect more than four points out of his #1 draft pick. Of course, injured novelist Paul Shelton expected a lot more help out of Annie Wilkes and we all know how that turned out. Four points out of your top player is painful when you wind up losing by only six.
Least Valuable Player: Honorable Mention
- Cadillac Williams (WWJBD) with 1 point (Just as The Jerk ought to change his dog's name to sh*thead, Williams ought to think about changing his name to Pinto)
- Jeremy Shockey (Loafers) with 0 points (Shockey has been battling an ankle injury thus far this year and was held to 17 yards receiving)
- Lee Evans (JEB Fins) with 0 points (Don't worry, Brian... like cold weather, snow and new child molestation allegations against Michael Jackson, I'm sure Evans' three touchdown game will come sometime).
Best Coaching Decision
* Play Antonio Bryant (12 pts) over Matt Jones (3 pts) and Kevan Barlow (2 pts): Shabbit
Not a game changing decision, but an impressive one nonetheless. Bryant has been an enigma during his first four seasons in the NFL, but like the Tanner family, Uncle Jesse and Joey, Antonio seems to have found a home in San Francisco. Bryant has 245 yards in two games and scored in week two, rewarding Joe C. for his faith that he could get the job done. The key was selecting Bryant over Matt Jones as putting Kevan Barlow in your lineup has got to feel about as comfortable as walking though South Central in a "Mark Fuhrman Fan Club" t-shirt.
Best Coaching Decision: Honorable Mention
- Pick up and play Matt Stover (14 pts) and drop Steven Gostkowski (6 pts): Prosthetic Legs (Those of you involved in the RSFC who have been paying attention should be well aware of my belief that kickers are a dime-a-dozen in fantasy football. In fact, I believe this so strongly that I have decided to put my money where my mouth is and start a different kicker every week of the regular season or as long as supplies last. My selection in week two certainly paid off big).
- Play Phillip Rivers (10 pts) over Jake Plummer (2 pts): Shabbit (It takes real guts to start a rookie who is seeing serious action in only his second game, especially one who only threw 11 passes in his first game. Of course, in my opinion, it takes a complete lack of sense to trust your fortunes to Jake Plummer)
- Play Reggie Brown (7 pts) over Kevin Jones (1 pt): WWJBD (Regardless of whether he is going up against the Chicago Bears, the Cal Golden Bears or the Maine Black Bears, it is not easy to sit your #2 RB in favor of a receiver with 45 career receptions. The receiver only managed to push his career reception total to 46 put his one catch was good for a TD and seven fantasy points).
Worst Coaching Decision
* Play Josh Brown (3 pts) over Robbie Gould (10 pts): Slappers
What could possibly have been the reason Todd picked up Gould, if he was not planning on playing him? Last I checked, there still is no rule that requires that each team have two kickers, so why add Gould? Think Slappers could not have used those seven additional points in a six-point loss? Ouch!
Worst Coaching Decision: Dishonorable Mention
- Play Jake Delhomme (3 pts) over David Carr (21 pts): JEB Fins (Delhomme without Steve Smith is like Lenny without Squiggy. It just doesn't feel right and leaves you all empty inside).
- Play Rod Smith (0 pts) over Drew Bennett (8 pts): Loafers (The hard and fast rule in '06 is to stay away from all things associated with Tennessee, except Faith Hill, so who knew that Bennett would be the right call?)
- Play Mark Clayton (1 pt) over Amani Toomer (18 pts): Short Bus Experience (Okay, let's be honest here, if you thought that Tommer was going to explode for 137 yards and 2 TD, you probably also predicted that Sean Marshall and Carlos Marmol would combine for five times more wins than Prior and Wood in '06. And you are also probably a liar).
Ringing the Bells
In week two, Dan played Tatum and sat Mike. Neither had a particularily good game, but Tatum's 69 yards outpaced Mike's 44, allowing the former to outscore the latter 3-2. Yahtzee!!!! Season Record: 2-0
Have a great day!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Hoosier Highjinks?
His name is Eric Gordon and, if you fancy yourself a basketball fan, he is someone who you really ought to know.
You see, Eric Gordon stands 6'3 yet dunks on seven footers as easily as Jack Bauer breaks down terror suspects, scores from absolutely anywhere on the floor, has elite athleticism, and is widely recognized as one of the top three high school prospects in the country (including having been rated as the top overall high school hoopster by noted recruiting expert Bob Gibbons). LeBron James he is not, but Gordon, who attends North Central High School in Indianapolis, is undeniably the type of player who can single handedly lead a tead to glory.
Another 17-year old whose name you really ought to know is Gordon's best friend and summer league teammate, Derrick Rose. Like Gordon, Rose is recognized as one of the top three high school basketball players in the country and is considered the type of player who will be an absolute star the minute he steps foot on the campus of his choosing. Rose is a 6'4 point guard with tremendous court vision and elite scoring ability and is about to enter his senior season at Simeon High School in Chicago.
Random Thoughts readers... meet Eric Gordon and Derrick Rose. Eric Gordon and Derrick Rose... meet the Random Thoughts readers.
Now that we have got the introductions out of the way, let's take a trip back to last November and set the stage...
In November of 2005, Manuel Zelaya had just been elected the new president of Honduras, the Edmonton Eskimos had just won the Canadian Football League's 93rd Grey Cup and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was the #1 movie at the box office. Ted Koppel was freshly off Nightline and Christina Aguilera was mercifully off the market, trading in her gold-level membership to Alexander's Adult Arcade for a set of formal china and the quiet married life. It was a time when thousands and thousands of morons actually thought that Wood and Prior would remain healthy, Ronny Cedeno would hit .320 and win the Gold Glove and 2006 would be the year when the Cubs would finally break through...
And it was at this time that Mike Davis was still the embattled head coach of the Iniana Hsiers and Eric Gordon was getting ready to choose which college's professors he would get his education from (along with playing a little basketball on the side). And in late November, Gordon made his choice, turning down, not only IU, but Coach K and the Blue Devils as well, and giving a verbal commitment to Coach Weber and the Fightin' Illini. When asked why his homestate Hsiers were not given more consideration, Gordon specifically cited the uncertaintly surrounding the coaching staff.
While Gordon, having made his decision, was researching whether it would be more advantagous to spend his Friday nights at Kam's or Gully's, Rose elected not to give a verbal commitment at that time. Despite Rose's inaction, Illini fans begin dreaming of a Gordon-Rose backcourt, noting the relationship between Rose and Gordon (which at that point was reportedly approaching Sigfried-Roy levels -- oh great, now I am going to get sued) and the fact that Rose is from Chicago.
Fast forward eleven months now and, ohhhh, how things have changed. In the first six months of Zelaya's presidency, several cabinet members, disgusted by Manuel's pathetic leadership, simply up and quit (aren't you learning a lot?), the Eskimos are in last place in the CFL's West Division, and, when not cursing the very concept of Whacking Day, Syltherins everywhere are flocking to the theatres to see Snakes on a Plane rather than Goblet of Fire. Ted Koppel is missing in action and Christina has apparently resumed shopping at Sluts 'R' Us. Prior's uterus is sprained, Wood's right arm fell off, and Cedeno and his 22 errors, make Shawon Dunston look like a magician in the field.
And Eric Gordon? Well, nobody is really sure anymore what Eric Gordon is going to do, although things certainly have gotten more and more interesting.
Let's start off by taking a look at the recent events surrounding the continued saga of Eric Gordon... Please keep in mind that the following timeline is based on media reports (rather than internet speculation and meaningless message board chatter. For example, I have no interest in reporting that Gordon was seen in an Iowa City sports bar with Steve Alford, Elvis and the ghost of Kurt Cobain and, therefore, is planning on skipping college to become a hairspray salesman -- what else could he possibly have been doing if he was talking to Alford other than pitching Aqua Net?) That said, there is obviously no way that I can verify or refute anything that has been reported so I will simply present the facts as they have been presented by reputable media reports.
* March 29, 2006: Kelvin Sampson is hired as the new head basketball coach at Iniana (The RT hasn't been this suprised since Michelle announced that while at band camp she stuck a flute up her...).
* Summer 2006: Sampson reportedly contacts Eric and tells him that he is still welcome at IU, should he decide that he really would rather spend his college years eating pizza from Bloomington's own Pizza Express than from Urbana's Gumby's (Illini fans respond to the news by getting as nervous as Willie Mays Hayes when he went to check whether their was a red card hanging in his locker on the final day of Indians' spring training.)
* Summer 2006: Gordon announces that he is still "committed" to Illinois, but will listen to what Iniana has to say (Illini fans now get as nervous Zack Morris while waiting for Kelly to make her decision regarding whether she is going to take him or Slater to the Bayside dance -- she chose Zack by the way).
* August 2006: Gordon and his family are seen in Bloomington on the IU campus. Gordon says it is just to see his younger brother play in an all-star game (Illini fans get as nervous as Clarice Starling before her first meeting with Dr. Lechter).
* August 2006: Rose announces his final five schools. The list includes: Kansas, Memphis, UCLA, DePaul and...................................................suprise! Iniana. (Illini fans look as shocked as Terence and Phillip when Conan O'Brien set them up and had the police take them into custody for corrupting the minds of America's youth).
* August 31, 2006: Weber invites Gordon to come to Champaign for the weekend. Gordon turns him down citing unspecified pre-existing obligations.
* September 1, 2006: Gordon and Rose walk into Yogi's, a popular Bloomington restaurant, with Sampson, IU assistant coaches and a number of current Hsier players. Restaurant patrons give Gordon and Rose the type of standing ovation that is usually reserved for those extremely rare times when Larry Bird, John Mellencamp and some Indy car driver whose name is probably either Rusty or Woody and The Hick from the Sticks walk in arm-in-arm and look as excited as if Jessica Alba had walked in wearing only her navel ring, knee-high black leather boots and a come hither smile. Quick moment to let that image sink in... Okay. (Illini fans get as nervous as Carol and Mike when the Brady girls told them that the boys had taken a bus to the other side of the island to return the tiki idol to its rightful home).
* September 2, 2006: Gordon and Rose scrimmage with current IU players at the real Assembly Hall (Illini fans get as nervous as the Brady boys, when, in attempting to return the tiki idol to its rightful home, they are held hostage by Dr. Hubert Whitehead and his psychotic friend Oliver).
* September 3, 2006: Gordon refuses to comment about his trip to IU and whether he is still "committed" to Illinois (Illini fans get as nervous as Peter who, after making it out of the cave alive suddenly realizes that the cute Hawaiian chick who has been hanging out by the pool will probanly see him wearing that hideous orange, black, blue, and brown shirt forcing him to reamain holed up in the Hotel HeiIWainaLaiYu for the rest of the vaction out of shear embarrassment).
* September 16-17, 2006: Gordon attends the Illinois - Syracuse football game in Champaign. and recoils in horror at the sight of Illini football team. Eric wonders whether Briscoe High School could beat Illinois by 200 points. Other than that, the visit seems to have gone fine.
So, where do we stand now? Is Gordon still planning on signing a letter of intent with Illinois when the signing period opens this November? Are Gordon and Rose giving serious consideration to playing in Bloomington? Is Zelaya planning on overhauling the Honduran tax system and outlawing Guatemalan coffeee imports?
Gordon is expected to issue a statement this week regarding his future and, until then, we can only speculate on what he is ultimately going to do. Illini fans have unsuprisingly responded to the situation by crying foul. They are outraged over the possibility that Gordon may now choose IU, claiming that Sampson has engaged in unethical behavior by staying after Gordon despite his "comittment." But, Illini disgust aside, has Sampson really done anything wrong in getting involved with a player who has already "committed" to another school? Let's take a look...
First and foremost, let's start with three things that are not debatable...
1. In recruiting Gordon and Rose, IU coach Kelvin Sampson has not committed any NCAA violations. I mean, it's not like he gave the guy a Chevy Blazer or anything (I checked with Bruce Pearl and he has assured me that he, at least, has no knowledge of such a possibility). Further, there is absolutely no reason to believe that Sampson has violated his "probation" by contacting Gordon or Rose in an inappropriate manner or in a way that is not allowed under his sanctions. Yes, he reportedly contacted Eric and asked him if he would reconsider IU, but the contact came before the sanctions were handed down. As I mentioned above, this is not open for debate.
Everyone okay with that? Good.
2. College basketball recruiting is a lot like Angelina Jolie's old relationship with Billy Bob Thornton -- there is an awfully seedy side to it that most people really don't want to know about. Heck, Deon Thomas stunk and he got the aforementioned Chevy Blazer. Chris Mills was sent 1,000 in cash in a FedEx envelope by Kentucky head coach/ drunk Eddie Sutton in order to convince Chris to pledge his services to UK (sheesh, an autographed photo of Ashley Judd probably would have done the trick). And Coach Pete Bell gave Butch McRae's mom a new house, Neon Boudeaux a fully loaded Cadillac and Ricky Roe a tractor (yes, a tractor -- did he think he was recruiting Roy Oswalt?) just to suit up for the Western University Dolphins. Think that college basketball recruiting is not chock full of questionable ethics and blatant rule violations and you probably think that Barry Bonds really did think that he was eating a Snickers Bar when it turned out to be a Sterumdiddlyumptious bar (now with more HGH!). I believe the old adage is "all's fair in love and war... and big time college athletics recruiting..."
Now, I am not suggesting that we should excuse unethical behavior just because it is commonplace. After all, 6,392,850 wrongs don't make a right. I recognize this and will keep it in mind in discussing the situation. I just want to make sure that we are all on the same page regarding the reality of the situation.
3. If I had a quarter for every high school athlete who changed his mind and did not live up to his verbal "commitment," I may still not be able to buy a Rolex but I could probably afford a new Swatch. And I may even have money left over to buy a swatch guard! And some leg warmers!!!
It is important to remember that we are dealing with 16, 17, and 18 year old kids. One minute they want to go to Denny's for a Super Bird and the next minute they just want to sit on the couch and eat an entire box of Double Stuf Oreos. They change their minds more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. This is simply the nature of the beast. The bottom line is that you could field an all-star team of players who gave a verbal "commitment" to one school, yet wound up taking the floor for another.
And let's not pretend that Kelvin Sampson is the only coach who has remained in contact with Gordon. National recruiting expert Dave Telep of scout.com, notes that there was a period of time this past summer when, besides Illinois and Iniana, Notre Dame was also very much in the mix for Gordon's services. The Golden Domers? The keepers of all that is holy? The alma mater of Regis Philbin? Someone call Darryl Hall and John Oates and say it isn't so.
In fact, the Gordon family has noted the hypocrisy of many of the coaches who are now critical of Sampson. According to the Gordons, the criticism is most often coming from those coaches who also contacted Eric this past summer, but were told that he was not interested. How's about some sour grapes with your humble pie, coach?
Now that everyone has a good understanding of the reality of college recruiting, let's consider how Sampson's actions should be judged and try and answer three big questions..
* It is appropriate for Sampson to initiate contact with a player who had already given another school a verbal "commitment?"
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all dance through the meadow listening to the sweet sounds of nature? The butterflies would flutter about, the squirrels would be chubby and friendly and a young fawn would come up and present us with an aromatic bouquet of beautiful daisies. Ahhh... what a wonderful place the world would be.
Well, you know what? I'm allergic to the grass in the meadow, the butterflies have gone south for the winter, the squirrels are all scraggly and mean and the deer just got hit by a Mazda Protege that was being driven by that little kid who looks like Kirk Hinrich circa 1990 and says "zoom, zoom." In other words, the world is not the wonderful, perfect place that we all wish it could be.
Now, once again, I have to go on what has been reported by reputable media sources (the latest post on the message board mentions that Gordon and Rose were seen carrying autographed photos of Maceo Baston, Juwan Howard and Dugan Fife, while wearing maize and blue mock turtlenecks with their pants pulled up to their armpits in imitation of Wolverine head coach Tommy Amaker. Hail to the victors, indeed). It is my understanding that Sampson's initial message to Gordon was limited to "hey, IU would love to have you, if you would like to be a Hsier" (although, he probably included the 'o's'). If Sampson's initial contact with Gordon was, in fact, limited to just that, I have absolutely no problem with it. In fact, I would argue that he would remiss if he did not reach out to Gordon. After all, here is a kid from nearby Indianapolis who reportedly rejected Iniana because of his concern over the unsettled coaching situation. Well, now that the coaching situation is clear (unless, of course, Norman Dale finally decides to return AD Rick Greenspan's phone calls) isn't it reasonable to think that Gordon will look at IU in a whole different light? In the least, doesn't Sampson, the new coach who never had the opportunity to discuss his program with Gordon, deserve a chance to let Eric know that Iniana is still interested?
Look, if you spent two years with Ted Styker and Elaine building school houses and teaching the natives to play basketball in Burundi and returned to find out that your high school sweetheart was engaged to your crumb-bum neighbor, wouldn't you at least want to let her know that you were still interested before letting her run off with the schmoke? And if you were rejected by the love of your life because you didn't have money or a job, wouldn't you want to let her know that The Waffle House management finally caved in and decided to try you out as a dishwasher even if she is already dating the griddle cook? Let's not forget that once Sampson approached Gordon he certainly could have said, "No thanks, Coach. I'm happy with my decision." He didn't.
* Did Sampson cross over some ethical line by hiring individuals who are connected in some way to Gordon and, therefore, could have an influence over Eric's final decision?
Now, we all know that Sampson did not just contact Gordon to let him know that IU still had a scholarship available should he want it. He also, conveniently, hired Jeff Meyer as an assistant coach and Travis Steele as the team's video coordinator. Meyer was Eric Gordon's father's head coach at Liberty University and has known Eric since his birth and Steele has been friendly with Gordon since junior high school and coached him at the Adidas all-star classic this past spring.
Hold on. Let me recapture that Jessica Alba image again. Feel free to join me...
Thank you.
This certainly is not an unusual phenomenon. Most memorable was Larry Brown's famous hiring of Ed Manning as an assistant coach at Team Voldemort the year before high school superstar Danning Manning was set to make his college choice. Think that did not have an affect on Danny? Besides hiring relatives, summer league coaches, and parole officers, in the case of Cincinnati and UNLV, coaches also routinely offer scholarships to marginal players who are friendly with superstars in hope that the star will sign on as well to play with his buddy (call it the Jack Haley syndrome).
And it not like Meyer (the more notable of the two hires) is not imminently qualified for the position. First and foremost, Meyer is a Reynolds, Indiana native with invaluable ties to the Hoosier State (a necessary qualification of an IU assistant coach, especially given Sampson's complete lack of Indiana state connections). He spent the last three years as an assistant coach at Missouri and before than was an assistant at Butler University, the associate head coach at Winthrop and the head coach at Liberty. And the guy must know at least a little basketball, as his teams have amassed a combined 484-320 record. Sound like a decent hire, doesn't it? And the fact that he is close to the Gordon family? The proverbial icing on the cake...
Steele also has basketball qualifications (although I have to admit that I am not sure how he ended up the video coordinator and what his qualifications are for that particular position -- did he once work at Blockbuster? Did he organize his family's home video collection? Did he order both the Pam-Tommy Lee and the Paris Hilton sex tapes and splice them together so it looks like its actually Pam "spending the night in Paris?"). He was a graduate assistant at Ohio State, an assistant coach at Wabash Valley College, and is a Butler graduate. Look, it's not like they hired Gordon's aunt or his cub scout leader or the guy from whom he bought that cool orange Indianapolis Colts hat. Sampson hired qualified individuals who happened to have ties to the Gordon family. Did he know what he was doing? Of course, he did. Should he not have hired Meyer and Steele because of a concern that it may look fishy? C'mon...
* Is it ethical to continue to "recruit" Gordon despite the fact that Gordon has not withdrawn his verbal commitment to Illinois?
This, in the end, is the crucial question. The real key is Gordon's reaction to Sampson's initial overtures and, as I mentioned earlier, Eric apparently did not tell Sampson to take a hike. Instead, I would argue that the only way that IU would continue to court Gordon is if Eric was receptive and gave them ample reason to do so. Otherwise, it would be a tremendous waste of time and Sampson and his assistants would have been better off spending their time watching Judge Hatchett or breaking down Alfonso Ribiero's and Lucy Lawless' chances of winning the Celebrity Duets title. Obviously, Gordon was not convinced that Illinois was, without a doubt, the right place for him. Otherwise, if he truly was "committed," I have to imagine that he would have told Sampson "thanks... but no thanks."
Thus, the question must be asked, why didn't Gordon just decommit to Illinois? Well, imagine the chaos if he had. After all, we are not talking about a Chester Frazier or an Errek Suhr here. Instead we are talking about a top three player in the country. Decommit and Duke would have called. Kentucky would have called. UCLA would have called. Coastal Carolina would have called. Gunston would have paid the Gordon family a visit. Heck, even the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who need all the help they can get these days, probably would have sent a free copy of the team's 2007 Cheerleaders Calendar (I'm telling you... it's worth the ten minutes to take a look). You really cannot blame Gordon for not officially de-committing in such a situation.
So as soon as Gordon expressed a continued interest in IU, why wouldn't Sampson continue pursuing him? Isn't it unrealistic to expect Sampson to tell Gordon that he cannot come to IU for a campus visit? Isn't is silly to think that Sampson is not going to open the door if Gordon is the one doing the knocking? In the end, if I'm the head coach at Iniana and I hear a knock at the door, you can bet that I am opening it if it is a girl scout selling Do-Si-Dos or Tagalongs, Ed McMahon and the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol or a consenus top three high school player from my own backyard who turned down my school for a reason that no longer exists.
***I certainly recognize that my opinion is likely tainted to a certain extent by the fact that I am an IU fan and would love to see Gordon (and Rose) wearing cream and crimson. That said, I have truly tried to be as impartial as possible and look at the situation by considering the reality of college recruting. In the end, in my opinion, if the kid was truly "committed" none of this would be an issue and if Gordon had not given Sampson and IU a reason to continue pursuing him they would not have.
****So, what do I think will happen? I still believe that in the end Gordon will end up at Illinois and Rose will sign with Memphis. After all, Willie Mays Hayes did make the team, Agent Starling ended up winning Hannibal's respect, the Brady boys made it out of the cave alive, the Hawaiian girl never did see Peter in that shirt, and Kelly ending up choosing Zack. I knew we should have hired Calipari and his fleet of Blazers!!!
*****What is your opinion of the situation (especially if you are not an IU or Illinois fan)? Has Sampson acted unethically? Please post a comment and let's get a healthy discussion going...
******The next post will focus on Week 2 in the NFL and will include the RSFC WIR.
As for now... I've got to get back to campaigning. Tegucigalpa here I come!
You see, Eric Gordon stands 6'3 yet dunks on seven footers as easily as Jack Bauer breaks down terror suspects, scores from absolutely anywhere on the floor, has elite athleticism, and is widely recognized as one of the top three high school prospects in the country (including having been rated as the top overall high school hoopster by noted recruiting expert Bob Gibbons). LeBron James he is not, but Gordon, who attends North Central High School in Indianapolis, is undeniably the type of player who can single handedly lead a tead to glory.
Another 17-year old whose name you really ought to know is Gordon's best friend and summer league teammate, Derrick Rose. Like Gordon, Rose is recognized as one of the top three high school basketball players in the country and is considered the type of player who will be an absolute star the minute he steps foot on the campus of his choosing. Rose is a 6'4 point guard with tremendous court vision and elite scoring ability and is about to enter his senior season at Simeon High School in Chicago.
Random Thoughts readers... meet Eric Gordon and Derrick Rose. Eric Gordon and Derrick Rose... meet the Random Thoughts readers.
Now that we have got the introductions out of the way, let's take a trip back to last November and set the stage...
In November of 2005, Manuel Zelaya had just been elected the new president of Honduras, the Edmonton Eskimos had just won the Canadian Football League's 93rd Grey Cup and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was the #1 movie at the box office. Ted Koppel was freshly off Nightline and Christina Aguilera was mercifully off the market, trading in her gold-level membership to Alexander's Adult Arcade for a set of formal china and the quiet married life. It was a time when thousands and thousands of morons actually thought that Wood and Prior would remain healthy, Ronny Cedeno would hit .320 and win the Gold Glove and 2006 would be the year when the Cubs would finally break through...
And it was at this time that Mike Davis was still the embattled head coach of the Iniana Hsiers and Eric Gordon was getting ready to choose which college's professors he would get his education from (along with playing a little basketball on the side). And in late November, Gordon made his choice, turning down, not only IU, but Coach K and the Blue Devils as well, and giving a verbal commitment to Coach Weber and the Fightin' Illini. When asked why his homestate Hsiers were not given more consideration, Gordon specifically cited the uncertaintly surrounding the coaching staff.
While Gordon, having made his decision, was researching whether it would be more advantagous to spend his Friday nights at Kam's or Gully's, Rose elected not to give a verbal commitment at that time. Despite Rose's inaction, Illini fans begin dreaming of a Gordon-Rose backcourt, noting the relationship between Rose and Gordon (which at that point was reportedly approaching Sigfried-Roy levels -- oh great, now I am going to get sued) and the fact that Rose is from Chicago.
Fast forward eleven months now and, ohhhh, how things have changed. In the first six months of Zelaya's presidency, several cabinet members, disgusted by Manuel's pathetic leadership, simply up and quit (aren't you learning a lot?), the Eskimos are in last place in the CFL's West Division, and, when not cursing the very concept of Whacking Day, Syltherins everywhere are flocking to the theatres to see Snakes on a Plane rather than Goblet of Fire. Ted Koppel is missing in action and Christina has apparently resumed shopping at Sluts 'R' Us. Prior's uterus is sprained, Wood's right arm fell off, and Cedeno and his 22 errors, make Shawon Dunston look like a magician in the field.
And Eric Gordon? Well, nobody is really sure anymore what Eric Gordon is going to do, although things certainly have gotten more and more interesting.
Let's start off by taking a look at the recent events surrounding the continued saga of Eric Gordon... Please keep in mind that the following timeline is based on media reports (rather than internet speculation and meaningless message board chatter. For example, I have no interest in reporting that Gordon was seen in an Iowa City sports bar with Steve Alford, Elvis and the ghost of Kurt Cobain and, therefore, is planning on skipping college to become a hairspray salesman -- what else could he possibly have been doing if he was talking to Alford other than pitching Aqua Net?) That said, there is obviously no way that I can verify or refute anything that has been reported so I will simply present the facts as they have been presented by reputable media reports.
* March 29, 2006: Kelvin Sampson is hired as the new head basketball coach at Iniana (The RT hasn't been this suprised since Michelle announced that while at band camp she stuck a flute up her...).
* Summer 2006: Sampson reportedly contacts Eric and tells him that he is still welcome at IU, should he decide that he really would rather spend his college years eating pizza from Bloomington's own Pizza Express than from Urbana's Gumby's (Illini fans respond to the news by getting as nervous as Willie Mays Hayes when he went to check whether their was a red card hanging in his locker on the final day of Indians' spring training.)
* Summer 2006: Gordon announces that he is still "committed" to Illinois, but will listen to what Iniana has to say (Illini fans now get as nervous Zack Morris while waiting for Kelly to make her decision regarding whether she is going to take him or Slater to the Bayside dance -- she chose Zack by the way).
* August 2006: Gordon and his family are seen in Bloomington on the IU campus. Gordon says it is just to see his younger brother play in an all-star game (Illini fans get as nervous as Clarice Starling before her first meeting with Dr. Lechter).
* August 2006: Rose announces his final five schools. The list includes: Kansas, Memphis, UCLA, DePaul and...................................................suprise! Iniana. (Illini fans look as shocked as Terence and Phillip when Conan O'Brien set them up and had the police take them into custody for corrupting the minds of America's youth).
* August 31, 2006: Weber invites Gordon to come to Champaign for the weekend. Gordon turns him down citing unspecified pre-existing obligations.
* September 1, 2006: Gordon and Rose walk into Yogi's, a popular Bloomington restaurant, with Sampson, IU assistant coaches and a number of current Hsier players. Restaurant patrons give Gordon and Rose the type of standing ovation that is usually reserved for those extremely rare times when Larry Bird, John Mellencamp and some Indy car driver whose name is probably either Rusty or Woody and The Hick from the Sticks walk in arm-in-arm and look as excited as if Jessica Alba had walked in wearing only her navel ring, knee-high black leather boots and a come hither smile. Quick moment to let that image sink in... Okay. (Illini fans get as nervous as Carol and Mike when the Brady girls told them that the boys had taken a bus to the other side of the island to return the tiki idol to its rightful home).
* September 2, 2006: Gordon and Rose scrimmage with current IU players at the real Assembly Hall (Illini fans get as nervous as the Brady boys, when, in attempting to return the tiki idol to its rightful home, they are held hostage by Dr. Hubert Whitehead and his psychotic friend Oliver).
* September 3, 2006: Gordon refuses to comment about his trip to IU and whether he is still "committed" to Illinois (Illini fans get as nervous as Peter who, after making it out of the cave alive suddenly realizes that the cute Hawaiian chick who has been hanging out by the pool will probanly see him wearing that hideous orange, black, blue, and brown shirt forcing him to reamain holed up in the Hotel HeiIWainaLaiYu for the rest of the vaction out of shear embarrassment).
* September 16-17, 2006: Gordon attends the Illinois - Syracuse football game in Champaign. and recoils in horror at the sight of Illini football team. Eric wonders whether Briscoe High School could beat Illinois by 200 points. Other than that, the visit seems to have gone fine.
So, where do we stand now? Is Gordon still planning on signing a letter of intent with Illinois when the signing period opens this November? Are Gordon and Rose giving serious consideration to playing in Bloomington? Is Zelaya planning on overhauling the Honduran tax system and outlawing Guatemalan coffeee imports?
Gordon is expected to issue a statement this week regarding his future and, until then, we can only speculate on what he is ultimately going to do. Illini fans have unsuprisingly responded to the situation by crying foul. They are outraged over the possibility that Gordon may now choose IU, claiming that Sampson has engaged in unethical behavior by staying after Gordon despite his "comittment." But, Illini disgust aside, has Sampson really done anything wrong in getting involved with a player who has already "committed" to another school? Let's take a look...
First and foremost, let's start with three things that are not debatable...
1. In recruiting Gordon and Rose, IU coach Kelvin Sampson has not committed any NCAA violations. I mean, it's not like he gave the guy a Chevy Blazer or anything (I checked with Bruce Pearl and he has assured me that he, at least, has no knowledge of such a possibility). Further, there is absolutely no reason to believe that Sampson has violated his "probation" by contacting Gordon or Rose in an inappropriate manner or in a way that is not allowed under his sanctions. Yes, he reportedly contacted Eric and asked him if he would reconsider IU, but the contact came before the sanctions were handed down. As I mentioned above, this is not open for debate.
Everyone okay with that? Good.
2. College basketball recruiting is a lot like Angelina Jolie's old relationship with Billy Bob Thornton -- there is an awfully seedy side to it that most people really don't want to know about. Heck, Deon Thomas stunk and he got the aforementioned Chevy Blazer. Chris Mills was sent 1,000 in cash in a FedEx envelope by Kentucky head coach/ drunk Eddie Sutton in order to convince Chris to pledge his services to UK (sheesh, an autographed photo of Ashley Judd probably would have done the trick). And Coach Pete Bell gave Butch McRae's mom a new house, Neon Boudeaux a fully loaded Cadillac and Ricky Roe a tractor (yes, a tractor -- did he think he was recruiting Roy Oswalt?) just to suit up for the Western University Dolphins. Think that college basketball recruiting is not chock full of questionable ethics and blatant rule violations and you probably think that Barry Bonds really did think that he was eating a Snickers Bar when it turned out to be a Sterumdiddlyumptious bar (now with more HGH!). I believe the old adage is "all's fair in love and war... and big time college athletics recruiting..."
Now, I am not suggesting that we should excuse unethical behavior just because it is commonplace. After all, 6,392,850 wrongs don't make a right. I recognize this and will keep it in mind in discussing the situation. I just want to make sure that we are all on the same page regarding the reality of the situation.
3. If I had a quarter for every high school athlete who changed his mind and did not live up to his verbal "commitment," I may still not be able to buy a Rolex but I could probably afford a new Swatch. And I may even have money left over to buy a swatch guard! And some leg warmers!!!
It is important to remember that we are dealing with 16, 17, and 18 year old kids. One minute they want to go to Denny's for a Super Bird and the next minute they just want to sit on the couch and eat an entire box of Double Stuf Oreos. They change their minds more often than Spinal Tap changes drummers. This is simply the nature of the beast. The bottom line is that you could field an all-star team of players who gave a verbal "commitment" to one school, yet wound up taking the floor for another.
And let's not pretend that Kelvin Sampson is the only coach who has remained in contact with Gordon. National recruiting expert Dave Telep of scout.com, notes that there was a period of time this past summer when, besides Illinois and Iniana, Notre Dame was also very much in the mix for Gordon's services. The Golden Domers? The keepers of all that is holy? The alma mater of Regis Philbin? Someone call Darryl Hall and John Oates and say it isn't so.
In fact, the Gordon family has noted the hypocrisy of many of the coaches who are now critical of Sampson. According to the Gordons, the criticism is most often coming from those coaches who also contacted Eric this past summer, but were told that he was not interested. How's about some sour grapes with your humble pie, coach?
Now that everyone has a good understanding of the reality of college recruiting, let's consider how Sampson's actions should be judged and try and answer three big questions..
* It is appropriate for Sampson to initiate contact with a player who had already given another school a verbal "commitment?"
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all dance through the meadow listening to the sweet sounds of nature? The butterflies would flutter about, the squirrels would be chubby and friendly and a young fawn would come up and present us with an aromatic bouquet of beautiful daisies. Ahhh... what a wonderful place the world would be.
Well, you know what? I'm allergic to the grass in the meadow, the butterflies have gone south for the winter, the squirrels are all scraggly and mean and the deer just got hit by a Mazda Protege that was being driven by that little kid who looks like Kirk Hinrich circa 1990 and says "zoom, zoom." In other words, the world is not the wonderful, perfect place that we all wish it could be.
Now, once again, I have to go on what has been reported by reputable media sources (the latest post on the message board mentions that Gordon and Rose were seen carrying autographed photos of Maceo Baston, Juwan Howard and Dugan Fife, while wearing maize and blue mock turtlenecks with their pants pulled up to their armpits in imitation of Wolverine head coach Tommy Amaker. Hail to the victors, indeed). It is my understanding that Sampson's initial message to Gordon was limited to "hey, IU would love to have you, if you would like to be a Hsier" (although, he probably included the 'o's'). If Sampson's initial contact with Gordon was, in fact, limited to just that, I have absolutely no problem with it. In fact, I would argue that he would remiss if he did not reach out to Gordon. After all, here is a kid from nearby Indianapolis who reportedly rejected Iniana because of his concern over the unsettled coaching situation. Well, now that the coaching situation is clear (unless, of course, Norman Dale finally decides to return AD Rick Greenspan's phone calls) isn't it reasonable to think that Gordon will look at IU in a whole different light? In the least, doesn't Sampson, the new coach who never had the opportunity to discuss his program with Gordon, deserve a chance to let Eric know that Iniana is still interested?
Look, if you spent two years with Ted Styker and Elaine building school houses and teaching the natives to play basketball in Burundi and returned to find out that your high school sweetheart was engaged to your crumb-bum neighbor, wouldn't you at least want to let her know that you were still interested before letting her run off with the schmoke? And if you were rejected by the love of your life because you didn't have money or a job, wouldn't you want to let her know that The Waffle House management finally caved in and decided to try you out as a dishwasher even if she is already dating the griddle cook? Let's not forget that once Sampson approached Gordon he certainly could have said, "No thanks, Coach. I'm happy with my decision." He didn't.
* Did Sampson cross over some ethical line by hiring individuals who are connected in some way to Gordon and, therefore, could have an influence over Eric's final decision?
Now, we all know that Sampson did not just contact Gordon to let him know that IU still had a scholarship available should he want it. He also, conveniently, hired Jeff Meyer as an assistant coach and Travis Steele as the team's video coordinator. Meyer was Eric Gordon's father's head coach at Liberty University and has known Eric since his birth and Steele has been friendly with Gordon since junior high school and coached him at the Adidas all-star classic this past spring.
Hold on. Let me recapture that Jessica Alba image again. Feel free to join me...
Thank you.
This certainly is not an unusual phenomenon. Most memorable was Larry Brown's famous hiring of Ed Manning as an assistant coach at Team Voldemort the year before high school superstar Danning Manning was set to make his college choice. Think that did not have an affect on Danny? Besides hiring relatives, summer league coaches, and parole officers, in the case of Cincinnati and UNLV, coaches also routinely offer scholarships to marginal players who are friendly with superstars in hope that the star will sign on as well to play with his buddy (call it the Jack Haley syndrome).
And it not like Meyer (the more notable of the two hires) is not imminently qualified for the position. First and foremost, Meyer is a Reynolds, Indiana native with invaluable ties to the Hoosier State (a necessary qualification of an IU assistant coach, especially given Sampson's complete lack of Indiana state connections). He spent the last three years as an assistant coach at Missouri and before than was an assistant at Butler University, the associate head coach at Winthrop and the head coach at Liberty. And the guy must know at least a little basketball, as his teams have amassed a combined 484-320 record. Sound like a decent hire, doesn't it? And the fact that he is close to the Gordon family? The proverbial icing on the cake...
Steele also has basketball qualifications (although I have to admit that I am not sure how he ended up the video coordinator and what his qualifications are for that particular position -- did he once work at Blockbuster? Did he organize his family's home video collection? Did he order both the Pam-Tommy Lee and the Paris Hilton sex tapes and splice them together so it looks like its actually Pam "spending the night in Paris?"). He was a graduate assistant at Ohio State, an assistant coach at Wabash Valley College, and is a Butler graduate. Look, it's not like they hired Gordon's aunt or his cub scout leader or the guy from whom he bought that cool orange Indianapolis Colts hat. Sampson hired qualified individuals who happened to have ties to the Gordon family. Did he know what he was doing? Of course, he did. Should he not have hired Meyer and Steele because of a concern that it may look fishy? C'mon...
* Is it ethical to continue to "recruit" Gordon despite the fact that Gordon has not withdrawn his verbal commitment to Illinois?
This, in the end, is the crucial question. The real key is Gordon's reaction to Sampson's initial overtures and, as I mentioned earlier, Eric apparently did not tell Sampson to take a hike. Instead, I would argue that the only way that IU would continue to court Gordon is if Eric was receptive and gave them ample reason to do so. Otherwise, it would be a tremendous waste of time and Sampson and his assistants would have been better off spending their time watching Judge Hatchett or breaking down Alfonso Ribiero's and Lucy Lawless' chances of winning the Celebrity Duets title. Obviously, Gordon was not convinced that Illinois was, without a doubt, the right place for him. Otherwise, if he truly was "committed," I have to imagine that he would have told Sampson "thanks... but no thanks."
Thus, the question must be asked, why didn't Gordon just decommit to Illinois? Well, imagine the chaos if he had. After all, we are not talking about a Chester Frazier or an Errek Suhr here. Instead we are talking about a top three player in the country. Decommit and Duke would have called. Kentucky would have called. UCLA would have called. Coastal Carolina would have called. Gunston would have paid the Gordon family a visit. Heck, even the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who need all the help they can get these days, probably would have sent a free copy of the team's 2007 Cheerleaders Calendar (I'm telling you... it's worth the ten minutes to take a look). You really cannot blame Gordon for not officially de-committing in such a situation.
So as soon as Gordon expressed a continued interest in IU, why wouldn't Sampson continue pursuing him? Isn't it unrealistic to expect Sampson to tell Gordon that he cannot come to IU for a campus visit? Isn't is silly to think that Sampson is not going to open the door if Gordon is the one doing the knocking? In the end, if I'm the head coach at Iniana and I hear a knock at the door, you can bet that I am opening it if it is a girl scout selling Do-Si-Dos or Tagalongs, Ed McMahon and the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol or a consenus top three high school player from my own backyard who turned down my school for a reason that no longer exists.
***I certainly recognize that my opinion is likely tainted to a certain extent by the fact that I am an IU fan and would love to see Gordon (and Rose) wearing cream and crimson. That said, I have truly tried to be as impartial as possible and look at the situation by considering the reality of college recruting. In the end, in my opinion, if the kid was truly "committed" none of this would be an issue and if Gordon had not given Sampson and IU a reason to continue pursuing him they would not have.
****So, what do I think will happen? I still believe that in the end Gordon will end up at Illinois and Rose will sign with Memphis. After all, Willie Mays Hayes did make the team, Agent Starling ended up winning Hannibal's respect, the Brady boys made it out of the cave alive, the Hawaiian girl never did see Peter in that shirt, and Kelly ending up choosing Zack. I knew we should have hired Calipari and his fleet of Blazers!!!
*****What is your opinion of the situation (especially if you are not an IU or Illinois fan)? Has Sampson acted unethically? Please post a comment and let's get a healthy discussion going...
******The next post will focus on Week 2 in the NFL and will include the RSFC WIR.
As for now... I've got to get back to campaigning. Tegucigalpa here I come!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Hawks and White Sox and Bears... Oh My!
There are some teams that are so talented and have such an inherent advantage over their opponents, that they really should never lose. For example, there is the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers men's basketball team, the 1985 Monsters of the Midway, Kevin O'Shea's Little Cowboys and, of course, the Rancho Carne Toros cheerleading squad. Yet, every now something goes terribly wrong. Jim McMahon's injury coupled with that fluke deflection that Mark Clayton took in for a touchdown contributed to the Bears' lone blemish during their Superbowl season.*** Danny's Little Giants took advantage of a lot of heart, hustle, and grit, not to mention the freakish talents of the Icebox, to knock off Kevin's Cowboys and capture the Urbania town championship. And, the overall athleticism, hip hop stylings and fresh jams of the East Compton Clovers proved the downfall of Torrence Shipman and her teammates at the National Cheerleading Championships. If fact, of the list above, in the end, only the '76 Hoosiers made it through the entire season unscathed (boy, it sure is nice to write that).
And now, thanks to Nike, the world has been introduced to what has to be the single greatest high school football team in history... The Briscoe High School Hawks. Coached by Don Shula and Urban Meyer, the Hawks feature Michael Vick behind center, LaDainian Tomlinson at tailback, Brian Urlacher at linebacker and Troy Palamalu in the defensive backfield. The team is so talented that local TV celebrity Jill Arrington comes to the games and Lee Corso is the team mascot. And this is no johnny-come-lately program, mind you. Current executives in the Hawks Touchdown Club include former Briscoe High players Deion Sanders and Steve Young and it is worth sticking around during even in the biggest blowouts, if for no other reason, to check out what new moves head cheerleader and noted bisexual Jillian Barberie is going to come up with next.
And who wouldn't want to be tought history from Jimmy Johnson? I mean, what a great opportunity to pick up some valuable hair care tips.
So, can somebody please tell me how in the world a team with such supreme talent and a history that includes 8 state championships, including one in 2005, needed a last-second halfback otpion pass to some kid named Ryon Williams to win their opening game against nearby Arundel High? I mean, with the superstar talent at the primary skill positions, this is a team that could start Aaron Gibson and Jerry Wisne on the offensive line, Kaseem Sinceno as the tight end and Van Tunei at defensive end and still roll over most of their opponents.
Wait a minute, let me look over their roster again... Urlacher... yeah, he's good. Polamalu... an all-pro no doubt. Tomlinson... perhaps the best all-around running back in the game (but couldn't they have found a uniform that fits him? What's he wearing a youth medium?). Vick... oh yeah, good ol' Michael Vick. Heck, six interceptions, two fumbles and three completions in twenty-one attempts will doom even the most talented teams. No wonder Shula had Tomlinson throw the game deciding pass. In fact, if I were the former Dolphins' head coach, I'd ask Jeff Gilooly to introduce Vick to his best friend the crowbar (foreshadowing alert) and suggest that Matt Leinart put down the clipboard and take the field. And if he doesn't work out, perhaps Will Furrer isn't doing anything or we can convince Dave Kreig to skip 7:00 bingo in the retirement common home and suit up. Never mind, Cocoon is on tonight.
* I hope they replay the Briscoe High School games on the NFL Network (yes, I know that they do not play in the NFL. So what? The Simpsons is not based exclusively on gratuitous sex jokes and innuendos -- at least most of the time -- but the Fox Network continues to keep it in the lineup). I absolutely love the commercial with Warren Sapp, Tony Gonzalez, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey reminding football fans that the NFL Network replays games from the previous Sunday on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I love even more that I get to walk around singing the catchy tune from the commercial for the rest of the day. As many of you with small children know, anything beats walking around singing the theme from Dora the Explorer, Cinderella's "a Wish is a Dream Your Heart Makes," or, worse yet, the Care Bears nauseating song "In the Land of Joke-a-Lot."
* The White Sox enter play this weekend two games behind the Twins in the race for the American League Wild Card and only three games behind the Tigers in the A.L. Central and, while most Sox fans I know are acting as though the sky has already fallen and the team is doomed to an October of sitting at home watching the 2005 World Series Highlight video, I believe that the Sox are still in decent position to make the playoffs. The whole key is this weekend's three games at Oakland and making sure that they do not fall too far out of the race. The Twins are on a 10-game road trip that will take them from Cleveland to Boston to Baltimore, and have lost rookie phenom Francisco Liriano for the remainder of the season, while, assuming they survive the mean streets of Oakland, the Sox have a seven-game homestand against Detroit and the mediocre at-best Seattle Mariners. The Sox still certainly have the talent to get the job done but need to take care of business at home against the free-falling Tigers and Mariners. I, for one, still think that they can sneak into the playoffs. Whether they will get killed by the Yankees, if they do make it to the postseason, is another story altogether. But you just never know what might happen. After all, Coach Roy Turner's Yankees looked unbeatable in 1976, yet Buttermaker came within a wink of getting the job done.
* You can bet that Frank Thomas will be doing absolutely everything in his power to make the Sox and Kenny Williams miserable this weekend. I doubt an athlete has been quite this excited to stick it to a former team since Kit toed the rubber for the Racine Belles in the Championship game against her old team the Rockford Peaches. And here I thought that the Peaches were unbeatable...
* Anyone else convinced that Dottie dropped the ball on purpose when Kit slid into home to score the winning run? I mean, c'mon. Dottie was like 6'4 and Kit was nothing more than Augie Ojeda in a skirt. (BTW, Best line in the movie not about whether crying is allowed in baseball? How about Jon Lovitz's character Ernie Capadino's famous instruction to Dottie and Kit when dropping them off at Harvey Field for tryouts... "Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it!").
* Speaking of mistaken identities, nipplegate or not, I, for one, am still convinced that Michael Jackson's discography incudes Thriller, Bad, Dangerous, Control and Rhythm Nation 1814. That said, is it really that hard to believe that C.C. Sabathia and David Wells are, in fact, the same person? After all, they are both left handed pitchers, both never seem to tire and both look like they don't need directions on how to get to the nearest Baskin Robbins.
* There are certain dates on the sports calendar that you look forward to all year. There's Superbowl Sunday, the championship game of the Missouri Valley conference (onyl 181 days until the madness!!!), the day of Kerry Wood's annual trip to Birmingham to visit Dr. James Andrews, the one day a year that Tyson Chandler actually shows up to play (thank gosh he is not our problem anymore), and, of course, the first day of Chicago Blackhawks training camp. Yes, that's right, your 2006-07 Blackhawks took the ice for the first time on Thursday with dreams of raising the Stanley Cup filling their heads (my advice to the Hawk players? Better limit your dreams to those that involve attending the Carolina Hurricanes' public display of the Cup at a suburban Raleigh mall. That's as close to the Cup as you are going to get. No need to bring me back a Jeff Gordon bobble-head or tobacco spittoon, though.).
With training camp now underway and the season rapidly approaching, Comcast Sports Net is beginning to promote their coverage of this season's games. My favorite ad features new play-by-play voice Dan Kelly noting that Comcast will broadcast "all the games from the regular season and beyond." I wonder exactly which "Blackhawks games" they are planning on showing once the regular season comes to its conclusion? Stoli drinking contests from Moscow featuring goalie Nikolai Khabibulin and wing Denis Arkhipov? Forward Michael Holmquist attempting to knock off both Tony Manero and Denny Terrio to become Sweden's top "Dancin' Queen" in a dance contest broadcast live from Stockholm? Finnish transvestite midget throwing with the perpetually injured Tuomo Ruutu? Curling, moose tipping and pin the tail on Celine Dion and Bryan Adams live from Moose Jaw? I'd put my money on defenseman Adrian Aucoin on that last one. Oh well, at least it beats having to watch Mi Manera.
I suppose, I should not be quite so pessimistic. After all, like the Dolphins, Little Giants, Clovers and Bad News Bears, it is possible that the Blackhawks could stun the world. Now I am not crazy enough to predict a championship or even a first-round playoff ouster, but I suppose a home win over the Nashville Predators is something that we can all reasonably hope for. All they just have to play like they are supposed to...
* Nice to see former Balckhawks play-by-play voice Pat Foley back in the saddle. Foley, as you may be aware, was recently hired to call games for the Chicago Wolves. While I am excited that Foley will still be working in Chicago, I doubt that this is what he had in mind. After all, while I have no idea what the actual viewership numbers of Wolves' games is, don't you get the feeling that there are more people watching Richard Karn Family Fued reruns on the 'U' than people watching Stephen Baby take on the Houston Aeros? Foley, without a doubt, ranks right up there with Mike Emerick, Darren Pang and the voice of the Charlestown Chiefs, Jim Carr, as one of the best hockey announcers that I have ever heard. I just fear that his considerable talent will be wasted with such a small audience. Kind of like booking Bruce Springsteen to play at O'Lanagan's or asking RT hottie Jessica Alba to guest star on Reba.
* Just wondering... Can you picture Kim that old Asian woman asking the Boss to scrub the toilets?
* I can picture it now... young Mitch Cozad sitting in his Greeley, Colorado dorm room on the campus of Northern Colorado desperately trying to come up with a way that he can replace Rafael Mendoza as the Bears' first-sting punter (for a team that scored only 10 points in their first two games... it is a heck of a gig. Kind of like being Larry Flynt's lawyer or Roy Williams' apologist). Suddenly, a replay of the television movie "Tonya and Nancy: The Inside Story" comes on the television (immediately following "A Promise Kept: The Oksana Baiul Story" no doubt). Visions of Shane Stant, Shawn Eckert and Jeff Gilooly enter Mitch's impressionable mind. A black cloak from last year's Darth Vader Halloween costume beckons from the closet. A shiny knife most recently used to slice open a cantaloupe is readily available on the kitchen counter...
Look, Cozad's act is obviously despicable. But, give the guy at least a little credit. At least he had the courage to commit the crime himself. It's not like he sent his mom to kill both Rafael and his mother while Mitch played Ms. Pac Man and Asteroids in the campus arcade. Nope, that sort of cowardice is saved for the always controversial Texas cheerleading community (hmm... was the now cancelled show "According to Wanda" about the seedy side of cheerleading? Wanda Holloway = Wanda Sykes? I wonder...).
Anyway, I sure hope that Cozad's actions do not give anyone any bright ideas. I doubt that they will but, just to be on the safe side, I'f I'm Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, I'm ordering Cedric Gayle Sayers Walter Payton Benson to stay out of the Halas Hall kitchen and cafeteria and, if I'm Torrence, I'm watching my back. You just know that Whitney and Courtney have their eye on the top of the pyramid.
* So who is going to punt for Northen Colorado in their showdown with Texas State? With Cozad planning how he is going to svoid becoming someone's girlfriend and Mendoza as gimpy as Leiutenant Dan after he got back from Vietnam, someone better get head coach Scott Downing Maury Buford's phone number, the location of the Carl's Jr. where Louie Aguilar works or directions to the Carolina Steroid clinic, where he is sure to find Todd Sauerbrun sharing tips with Steroid Sammy and Jason Gatlin and Floyd Landis.
At the end of the day, it probably will not matter, seeing that the Bears are a huge underdog in their matchup against the #23 team in the 1-AA ranks. But then again, I suppose you just never know. After all, there is always hope that Michael Vick will suit up for Texas State.
Go Bears!!! Both of them.
* For more information on the Briscoe High School Hawks, including their season schedule, player profiles and more, please go to: http://www.nike.com/nikegridiron/#briscoe.
***Today's (long overdue) Sports Trivia Question: The 1985 Chicago Bears sent nine (9) players to Honolulu for the Pro-Bowl. Who were they?
And now, thanks to Nike, the world has been introduced to what has to be the single greatest high school football team in history... The Briscoe High School Hawks. Coached by Don Shula and Urban Meyer, the Hawks feature Michael Vick behind center, LaDainian Tomlinson at tailback, Brian Urlacher at linebacker and Troy Palamalu in the defensive backfield. The team is so talented that local TV celebrity Jill Arrington comes to the games and Lee Corso is the team mascot. And this is no johnny-come-lately program, mind you. Current executives in the Hawks Touchdown Club include former Briscoe High players Deion Sanders and Steve Young and it is worth sticking around during even in the biggest blowouts, if for no other reason, to check out what new moves head cheerleader and noted bisexual Jillian Barberie is going to come up with next.
And who wouldn't want to be tought history from Jimmy Johnson? I mean, what a great opportunity to pick up some valuable hair care tips.
So, can somebody please tell me how in the world a team with such supreme talent and a history that includes 8 state championships, including one in 2005, needed a last-second halfback otpion pass to some kid named Ryon Williams to win their opening game against nearby Arundel High? I mean, with the superstar talent at the primary skill positions, this is a team that could start Aaron Gibson and Jerry Wisne on the offensive line, Kaseem Sinceno as the tight end and Van Tunei at defensive end and still roll over most of their opponents.
Wait a minute, let me look over their roster again... Urlacher... yeah, he's good. Polamalu... an all-pro no doubt. Tomlinson... perhaps the best all-around running back in the game (but couldn't they have found a uniform that fits him? What's he wearing a youth medium?). Vick... oh yeah, good ol' Michael Vick. Heck, six interceptions, two fumbles and three completions in twenty-one attempts will doom even the most talented teams. No wonder Shula had Tomlinson throw the game deciding pass. In fact, if I were the former Dolphins' head coach, I'd ask Jeff Gilooly to introduce Vick to his best friend the crowbar (foreshadowing alert) and suggest that Matt Leinart put down the clipboard and take the field. And if he doesn't work out, perhaps Will Furrer isn't doing anything or we can convince Dave Kreig to skip 7:00 bingo in the retirement common home and suit up. Never mind, Cocoon is on tonight.
* I hope they replay the Briscoe High School games on the NFL Network (yes, I know that they do not play in the NFL. So what? The Simpsons is not based exclusively on gratuitous sex jokes and innuendos -- at least most of the time -- but the Fox Network continues to keep it in the lineup). I absolutely love the commercial with Warren Sapp, Tony Gonzalez, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey reminding football fans that the NFL Network replays games from the previous Sunday on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I love even more that I get to walk around singing the catchy tune from the commercial for the rest of the day. As many of you with small children know, anything beats walking around singing the theme from Dora the Explorer, Cinderella's "a Wish is a Dream Your Heart Makes," or, worse yet, the Care Bears nauseating song "In the Land of Joke-a-Lot."
* The White Sox enter play this weekend two games behind the Twins in the race for the American League Wild Card and only three games behind the Tigers in the A.L. Central and, while most Sox fans I know are acting as though the sky has already fallen and the team is doomed to an October of sitting at home watching the 2005 World Series Highlight video, I believe that the Sox are still in decent position to make the playoffs. The whole key is this weekend's three games at Oakland and making sure that they do not fall too far out of the race. The Twins are on a 10-game road trip that will take them from Cleveland to Boston to Baltimore, and have lost rookie phenom Francisco Liriano for the remainder of the season, while, assuming they survive the mean streets of Oakland, the Sox have a seven-game homestand against Detroit and the mediocre at-best Seattle Mariners. The Sox still certainly have the talent to get the job done but need to take care of business at home against the free-falling Tigers and Mariners. I, for one, still think that they can sneak into the playoffs. Whether they will get killed by the Yankees, if they do make it to the postseason, is another story altogether. But you just never know what might happen. After all, Coach Roy Turner's Yankees looked unbeatable in 1976, yet Buttermaker came within a wink of getting the job done.
* You can bet that Frank Thomas will be doing absolutely everything in his power to make the Sox and Kenny Williams miserable this weekend. I doubt an athlete has been quite this excited to stick it to a former team since Kit toed the rubber for the Racine Belles in the Championship game against her old team the Rockford Peaches. And here I thought that the Peaches were unbeatable...
* Anyone else convinced that Dottie dropped the ball on purpose when Kit slid into home to score the winning run? I mean, c'mon. Dottie was like 6'4 and Kit was nothing more than Augie Ojeda in a skirt. (BTW, Best line in the movie not about whether crying is allowed in baseball? How about Jon Lovitz's character Ernie Capadino's famous instruction to Dottie and Kit when dropping them off at Harvey Field for tryouts... "Hey cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it!").
* Speaking of mistaken identities, nipplegate or not, I, for one, am still convinced that Michael Jackson's discography incudes Thriller, Bad, Dangerous, Control and Rhythm Nation 1814. That said, is it really that hard to believe that C.C. Sabathia and David Wells are, in fact, the same person? After all, they are both left handed pitchers, both never seem to tire and both look like they don't need directions on how to get to the nearest Baskin Robbins.
* There are certain dates on the sports calendar that you look forward to all year. There's Superbowl Sunday, the championship game of the Missouri Valley conference (onyl 181 days until the madness!!!), the day of Kerry Wood's annual trip to Birmingham to visit Dr. James Andrews, the one day a year that Tyson Chandler actually shows up to play (thank gosh he is not our problem anymore), and, of course, the first day of Chicago Blackhawks training camp. Yes, that's right, your 2006-07 Blackhawks took the ice for the first time on Thursday with dreams of raising the Stanley Cup filling their heads (my advice to the Hawk players? Better limit your dreams to those that involve attending the Carolina Hurricanes' public display of the Cup at a suburban Raleigh mall. That's as close to the Cup as you are going to get. No need to bring me back a Jeff Gordon bobble-head or tobacco spittoon, though.).
With training camp now underway and the season rapidly approaching, Comcast Sports Net is beginning to promote their coverage of this season's games. My favorite ad features new play-by-play voice Dan Kelly noting that Comcast will broadcast "all the games from the regular season and beyond." I wonder exactly which "Blackhawks games" they are planning on showing once the regular season comes to its conclusion? Stoli drinking contests from Moscow featuring goalie Nikolai Khabibulin and wing Denis Arkhipov? Forward Michael Holmquist attempting to knock off both Tony Manero and Denny Terrio to become Sweden's top "Dancin' Queen" in a dance contest broadcast live from Stockholm? Finnish transvestite midget throwing with the perpetually injured Tuomo Ruutu? Curling, moose tipping and pin the tail on Celine Dion and Bryan Adams live from Moose Jaw? I'd put my money on defenseman Adrian Aucoin on that last one. Oh well, at least it beats having to watch Mi Manera.
I suppose, I should not be quite so pessimistic. After all, like the Dolphins, Little Giants, Clovers and Bad News Bears, it is possible that the Blackhawks could stun the world. Now I am not crazy enough to predict a championship or even a first-round playoff ouster, but I suppose a home win over the Nashville Predators is something that we can all reasonably hope for. All they just have to play like they are supposed to...
* Nice to see former Balckhawks play-by-play voice Pat Foley back in the saddle. Foley, as you may be aware, was recently hired to call games for the Chicago Wolves. While I am excited that Foley will still be working in Chicago, I doubt that this is what he had in mind. After all, while I have no idea what the actual viewership numbers of Wolves' games is, don't you get the feeling that there are more people watching Richard Karn Family Fued reruns on the 'U' than people watching Stephen Baby take on the Houston Aeros? Foley, without a doubt, ranks right up there with Mike Emerick, Darren Pang and the voice of the Charlestown Chiefs, Jim Carr, as one of the best hockey announcers that I have ever heard. I just fear that his considerable talent will be wasted with such a small audience. Kind of like booking Bruce Springsteen to play at O'Lanagan's or asking RT hottie Jessica Alba to guest star on Reba.
* Just wondering... Can you picture Kim that old Asian woman asking the Boss to scrub the toilets?
* I can picture it now... young Mitch Cozad sitting in his Greeley, Colorado dorm room on the campus of Northern Colorado desperately trying to come up with a way that he can replace Rafael Mendoza as the Bears' first-sting punter (for a team that scored only 10 points in their first two games... it is a heck of a gig. Kind of like being Larry Flynt's lawyer or Roy Williams' apologist). Suddenly, a replay of the television movie "Tonya and Nancy: The Inside Story" comes on the television (immediately following "A Promise Kept: The Oksana Baiul Story" no doubt). Visions of Shane Stant, Shawn Eckert and Jeff Gilooly enter Mitch's impressionable mind. A black cloak from last year's Darth Vader Halloween costume beckons from the closet. A shiny knife most recently used to slice open a cantaloupe is readily available on the kitchen counter...
Look, Cozad's act is obviously despicable. But, give the guy at least a little credit. At least he had the courage to commit the crime himself. It's not like he sent his mom to kill both Rafael and his mother while Mitch played Ms. Pac Man and Asteroids in the campus arcade. Nope, that sort of cowardice is saved for the always controversial Texas cheerleading community (hmm... was the now cancelled show "According to Wanda" about the seedy side of cheerleading? Wanda Holloway = Wanda Sykes? I wonder...).
Anyway, I sure hope that Cozad's actions do not give anyone any bright ideas. I doubt that they will but, just to be on the safe side, I'f I'm Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, I'm ordering Cedric Gayle Sayers Walter Payton Benson to stay out of the Halas Hall kitchen and cafeteria and, if I'm Torrence, I'm watching my back. You just know that Whitney and Courtney have their eye on the top of the pyramid.
* So who is going to punt for Northen Colorado in their showdown with Texas State? With Cozad planning how he is going to svoid becoming someone's girlfriend and Mendoza as gimpy as Leiutenant Dan after he got back from Vietnam, someone better get head coach Scott Downing Maury Buford's phone number, the location of the Carl's Jr. where Louie Aguilar works or directions to the Carolina Steroid clinic, where he is sure to find Todd Sauerbrun sharing tips with Steroid Sammy and Jason Gatlin and Floyd Landis.
At the end of the day, it probably will not matter, seeing that the Bears are a huge underdog in their matchup against the #23 team in the 1-AA ranks. But then again, I suppose you just never know. After all, there is always hope that Michael Vick will suit up for Texas State.
Go Bears!!! Both of them.
* For more information on the Briscoe High School Hawks, including their season schedule, player profiles and more, please go to: http://www.nike.com/nikegridiron/#briscoe.
***Today's (long overdue) Sports Trivia Question: The 1985 Chicago Bears sent nine (9) players to Honolulu for the Pro-Bowl. Who were they?
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