Come See Where Princess Diana Died!

Welcome back to the 2006 Rick Springfield Fan Club Fantasy Football League Season Preview!

Today we take a look at the Paris Division, where the bells are rung by Quasimodo, you can drink a glass of 1855 Chateau Latour red bordeaux while waiting for Satine at the Moulin Rouge and, if you are Marlon Brando and you happen to meet a beautiful soon-to-be-wed Parisian woman named Jeanne, you had better bring along your Bum Butter. Oui!

JEB Fins (Brian Schulman)

Quarterback: Let there be no doubt... Sandra Bullock is a very attractive woman. That said, she is anything but flashy, has no real distinguishing feature, and if you were unequivocally destined to marry a Hollywood leading lady, while you would certainly not mind seeing Bullock on the other side of the bed, in the back of your mind, you'd probably still sort of wonder why you did not do just a little better. Jake Delhomme is kind of like Bullock. He is an excellent QB, but you always have a nagging feeling that you didn't do as well as you would have liked. David Carr will be a suitable backup but he absolutely needs to get improved pass protection from his offensive line. After all, thanks to an line that would have difficulty keeping Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis from reaching the quarterback, Carr has spent more time on his back the last three years than Kelly Bundy and Tara Reid combined. Grade: B

Running Backs: Shaun Alexander is as good as it gets. Period. Oh sure, there are concerns about the Seahawks' loss of All-Pro lineman Steve Hutchinson, the fact that he may wear down after receiving more than 1,000 carries in the last three years, and the dreaded Madden curse, but it would be downright foolish to think that Alexander will not have another stellar season. I doubt that he will score 28 TDs again, but 18-22 is likely. Warrick Dunn's value is expected to go up with the departure of T.J. Duckett from Atlanta, as he is supposedly now slated to get the goal-line carries. I hate to predict a downfall, but I hear the Cat Fancy folks are showing interest in putting him on the cover again. In other words, if you expect anything more than 1,100 and 7 TD, you will be like the Griswolds when they finally got to Wally World... terribly disappointed. The Texans' Wali Lundy could be the steal of the draft with Dom Davis out for the season. I fear, however, that he will suffer from growing pains and will eventually split carries. Dominic Rhodes provides outstanding depth. Nobody is fully sure who will get the start in Indy, but smart money is currently on Rhodes and he has proven in the past that he can do an excellent job. Laurence Maroney and Jerious Norwood are talented rookies who are sleepers (especially Maroney whom Patriots' coach Bill Belichek apparently loves). Grade: A (Alexander is elite and Fins only needs Lundy, Rhodes or Dunn to live up to expectations to have a dynamite backfield).

Wide Receivers: Larry Fitzgerald is an absolute star who is only going to get better. The only things that can prevent Fitz from becoming a top-five overall WR is (1) the fact that Anquan Boldin on the other side of the field and Edgerrin James in the backfield will need to get there share and (2) the possibility always exists that Fitz will miss the season after being choked by his own dreadlocks. Brian S. will be absolutely delighted that he has Lee Evans in his lineup... at least during the two weeks a year that Evans actually decides to show up to play. Not sure why the rest of the world is so excited about Evans' prospects this year. He has been mediocre in his NFL career thus far (save for the occasional 3-TD game), will be facing double teams for the first time with the departure of Eric Moulds and the nicest thing you can say about his quarterback is that he once drank seven Hurricanes at Cooter Brown's and never got arrested for peeing on Bourbon Street during his playing career at Tulane. Joe Jurevicius is a nice sleeper pick who will do the job in his hometown of Cleveland. Troy Williamson would also be a nice sleeper if the circumstances were slightly different. The problem is that Williamson has not shown an ability to run short routes and Vikings' QB Brad Johnson cannot throw the ball more than six yards. You can do the math. Deion Branch is an jerk. Have fun sitting out the season, jackass. Grade: B

Tight End: Like Will Farrell, who seems to be in every third movie that has been released recently, Todd Heap is poised to have a career year. New Ravens QB Steve McNair has a history of throwing to his tight ends and Heap will prove an impossible cover for opposing defenses. Grade: A-

Kicker and D/ST: Shayne Graham was one of the top point producers in the NFL in 2005 and should be once again this year. He sure is goofy looking though. Cincinnati's defense is a tough call. On one hand, they produced an NFL-leading 44 turnovers in '05, but, on the other hand, they had about as much of a chance at stopping a legitimate NFL offense in 2005 as Neville Longbottom had in stopping Harry, Hermoine and Ron from sneaking out of the Gryffindor common room. Grade: B

X-Factor: Warrick Dunn. If he gets the goal line carries, stays healthy, and avoids the folks from Cat Fancy, Dunn could legitimately go for 1,400-1,500 yards and 10-12 scores. Couple that with Shaun Alexander's expected numbers and you may have the best duo since Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton sang "Islands in the Stream."

Overall: This is an excellent team. Not only does it have Alexander, who can win games all by himself and Fitzgerald who is a star in the making, but it seems to lack a true weakness. If Dunn, Lundy and Evans reach there expectations, JEB Fins will have as great a chance to stand on the top of the mountain at the end of the season as anyone. Grade: B+

The Short Bus Experience (Brian Murray)

Quarterback: Like Keith Richards, the key with Marc Bulger is health. When not on the sideline in a baseball cap nursing a bruised knee or pulled hamstring, Bulger is good for 300+ yards and a couple of TD tosses. The problem is that, all-too-often, he is, in fact, wearing that baseball cap (he has missed 11 games in the last three years). Maybe he should take up smokin', boozin' and skirt chasin'. After all, Richards' face may look like a 254 year-old leather glvoe, but the guy is still somehow avoiding the grave. Backup Michael Vick is god's greatest creation. Grade: B

Running Backs: I honestly believe that this is the year that Steven Jackson vaults into superstardom. His talent is unquestioned and one suspects that new coach Scott Linehan will give him the opportunity to carry the ball more than a handful of times per game. Jackson will capitalize. Fred Taylor's prospects for a good fantasy season were bolstered by the season-ending ACL injury to back-up Greg Jones. Too bad, with his injury history, Taylor is likely to sprain an ankle mowing the lawn or dislocate a shoulder changing a lightbulb. Julius Jones has shown promise in the early stages of his career, but will split carries with Marion Barber and has a questionable offensive line. How questionable? Let's just say that Marc Columbo is the starting right tackle. Steven Davis could be a decent flier pick if he gets the goal line opportunities in St. Louis. Samkon Gado had a real nice year as a fill-in last year, but last I checked, was behind Edgar Bennett, Dorsey Levens and Travis Jervey on the Packers' current depth chart. Grade: B

Wide Receivers: Inserting T.J. Houshmanzadeh as your #1 WR is like asking Seann William Scott to headline a comedy slate or Ratt to headline a concert tour. Sure, you will love the Stifler jokes and will rock out to "Round and Round," but once you get past such rare highpoints there isn't much left to look forward to. Housh has talent, but with Chad Johnson the Bengals' undisputed #1 receiver, T.J. has never been able to hit 1,000 yards in a season and has a career high of seven touchdowns. In other words, sure you'll be happy with his occasional good game, but, overall, he will not do enough to justify his status as a #1. Right around 1,000 yards and 6-9 TD sounds about right (might be good enough for the Bears' #1, but most NFL teams with real offenses would laugh at such a suggestion). Laverneus Coles also has talent, but plays on what might be the worst team in the NFL and with a QB whose arm might be mistaken for a wet noodle. Enjoy those 3-yard out patterns, Laverneus. Mark Clayton is a nice sleeper pick, but better hope that Mark Duper doesn't steal all the looks. David Givens is another nice sleeper, as he is listed as the #1 option in Tennessee. Finally, the only thing more surprising than the fact that the Short Bus was able to get a receiver with seven TDs in 2005 in the 15th round of the draft is the fact that Amani Toomer actually scored seven TDs. Three in 2006 is more like it. Grade: C+ (Maybe one of the sleepers will pan out).

Tight End: Antonio Gates is the best TE in the business. What Alex Smith is doing on Brian M's roster is as confusing as why an American Idol contestant does not just beat Simon Cowell to a bloody pulp. Grade: A

Kicker and D/ST: Jay Feely had a few really bad games in 2005, but ended up the top-scoring kicker in the NFL. I doubt he will score 148 points again, but, there is no reason not to believe that he will have an excellent year. Baltimore's defense is still solid. But, would someone please tell Ray Lewis that his pre-game dance makes him look like Beavis after seventeen cups of coffee. That, by the way, is not a god thing. Grade: B+

X-Factor: T.J. Houshmanzadeh. The Short Bus Experience really has problems with its wide receivers and needs someone to step up and provide numbers, if not worthy of a #1, at least somewhere close. Housh is the most likely candidate. Of course, Brian M could always pick up Rashied Davis or Bernard Berrian as a free agent. Nah...

Overall: With Bulger and Jackson on board, The Short Bus is going to be cheering for a lot of Rams touchdowns this year (and everyone else will join together in a group laugh when Isaac Bruce throws a touchdown pass to Joe Klopfenstein). At first glance, his team looks solid, although with Brian M's luck, Bulger will get the measles, Jackson will get the German measles, Housh will get the dreaded Iraqi measles and Antonio Gates' arms will, without warning, suddenly fall off after a bizarre gardening accident (is his side gig as the drummer for Spinal Tap?). That's okay, though, Michael Vick can always ride in on his white horse and single handedly rescue cats from the top of trees, capture Osama Bin Laden and lead the Short Bus to the title. Grade: B

Slappers (Todd Erdman)

Quarterback: Slappers should feel comfortable taking his team to a Teddy Pendergrass or Barry White concert, as Todd has cornered the market on jumbo-sized African-American quarterbacks who are two years removed from their prime. Option A is Daunte Culpepper, coming off the worse season of his career, which started with a party on Lake Minnetonka that would have made Hugh Hefner proud (any chance the Pacific Princess' own Isaac Washington was invited to serve drinks?) and ended with shredded knee ligaments. Trying to escape the memories of Chocolate Crystal and her friends doing their thing on the high seas, Duante headed to South Beach. As long as he stays off the water and off the Euphoria, I believe he will have a terrific, bounce-back season. Option B is Steve McNair, who finds himself in Baltimore after literally being locked out of Tennessee. McNair should find the crab cakes, summer evenings at Camden Yards, and his reunion with old pal Derrick Mason to his liking. Always an injury risk, McNair will produce if called on (and available). Finally, just in case the Pendergrass concert is canceled and the team wants to go see Kenny G, Todd also drafted Mark Brunell. Hey, there has to be some reason. Grade: B+ (I really ought to knock this down due to the presence of Brunell, but I am feeling generous right now).

Running Backs: Tiki Barber gets little love in fantasy football circles, but consistenly puts up nice numbers. Having him on your team is like dating a nun who just happens to be model. As long as you don't expect a lot of scoring, you will probably be satisifed with what you get out of it. Ultimately, Slappers can expect almost 2,000 combined yards out of Tiki, but, thanks to the presence of goal line vulture Brandon Jacobs, only 6-9 TDs. Deuce McAllister is another player coming back from major surgery. He will share the New Orleans backfield with Reggie Bush, but should get the bulk of the carries and the goal line looks. In other words, I expect Deuce to have a good, but not great, season. Joseph Addai is an excellent flier pick. Many experts seem to believe that he will take over the top RB spot in Indianapolis before the year is through and if he does, he will put up very good numbers. Quiz... what do Kimble Anders, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, the guy with the glasses from the Verizon wireless commercials, and Sally Field have in common? They all have as much fantasy potential as Mike Sellers. Grade: C+ (Less depth than a wading pool in the middle of the Gobi).

Wide Receivers: Marvin Harrison is now 34 years old and his production is going to wane. Sure, and Thing One is going to suddenly become a legitimate major league baseball player. Harrison has been one of the best wide receivers for the last 11 years and there is no reason to think that he is going to slow down now. Another 1,100-1,3oo yards and 10-14 scores should be expected. Santana Moss had a terrific 2005 (second in the NFL in receiving yards), but may see his numbers dip as the Redskins have a number of new weapons on offense. That said, he will still be productive as long as Brunell does not get locked in the bathroom by Kenny G's handlers and, with the haristyle and "me against the world attitude" probably has connections to get fiddy-cent tickets. Terry Glenn should not be expected to match last year's 1,136 -- 7 numbers with T.O. demanding the ball on the other side of the field, but he still should do enough to be a decent #3 receiver. Eric Moulds could have a rennaissance of sorts in Houston, although the days of his 1,200-1,300 yard seasons ended around the same time that ABC put Two Guys, A Girl & Pizza Place out of its misery. Brandon Lloyd went to Illinois and you know how much I love the Fightin' Illini. Grade: B+

Tight End: Randy McMichael has been underutilized for years, but finally has a QB throwing to him that knows how to make use of the tight end. I expect he will match, if not top his career highs of 790 yards and 5 TDs. Like Big Ben (see Loafers), Kellen Winslow needs to stay off his motorcycle, but, if he does, could be a pleasant surprise. Grade : B+

Kicker and D/ST: Josh Brown and the Jaguars' D are both solid. Not much more that needs to be said. Grade: B+

X-Factor: Deuce McAllister. Slappers is another team with a significant running back depth problem. Mike Pellers or Mark Sellers or whoever the heck he is, just does not cut it. That said, someone will have to join Tiki Barber as a legitimate RB in Todd's lineup. Deuce has the most talent, but will he get enough of an opportunity.

Overall: I so want to really like Todd's team. I mean, I like Culpepper, I don't mind Tiki, I love Harrison and Santana Moss as a WR combo and I like his TE, K, and Defense. I just cannot get past the lack of depth at running back. Should Tiki and Deuce stay healthy, Slappers will be fine and will be a legitimate contender. One key injury in the backfield, however, and Todd will have wished that he had spent his $63 on Naughty Nymphos 21 or Black Nurses 8 instead of donating it to the RSFC champ. Grade: ho hum... another B

Spanky (Mark Klinn)

Quarterback: Last year will not go down as one of Donovan McNabb's better years. He suffered a hernia, injured his groin, threw dumb interceptions, and was called every name in the book by his #1 receiver. It got so bad that Rush Limbaugh laughed and said "I told you so." And to make matters worse, he flat ran out of Campbell's soup. This year will be different. Way different. It'll be chicken noodle for everybody as Donovan returns to the NFL's elite. Byron Leftwich is a capable backup who has all the tools to be a top-notch QB. He just needs to stay off the training room table. Grade: A-

Running Backs: LaDainian Tomlinson is effective as an inside runner, as an outside runner, as a pass receiver and, even as an occasional pass thrower. Heck, the guy will even play you "My Country Tis of Thee" on the recorder and cure your dog's heartworm problem (oh wait, that's Michael Vick). Some may be concerned that he has faded down the stretch the last two years, but some also find flaws in the movie Shawshank Redemption and, therefore, are idiots. Tomlinson is a stud. Corey Dillon's yardage slipped last year, but he still managed to hit paydirt 12 times. Spanky will take him some of that. Unless Eddie George is going to suddenly come out of retirement, owning Chris Brown and Travis Henry ensures Spanky that he will have Tennessee's feature RB, whoever it turns out to be (do not give me a LenDale White... that guy spends too much time hanging out at the Dunkin' Donuts with Bobby Jenks). Whether that is a good thing, I will leave up to you. Im my mind, it is kind of like dating the prettiest girl in Atomic City, Idaho (pop. 25). Maurice Morris is Shaun Alexander insurance and I suspect Mark's first stop on his way to work tomorrow will be to the Seattle Seahawks' voodoo doll shop to buy a #37. Grade: B+ (would have been an A- with only a little more depth)

Wide Receivers: Reggie Wayne is an excellent receiver who is a borderline #1 pption. The presence of Harrison on the other side of the field and the fact that Peyton Manning likes to spread the wealth keeps his numbers from reaching levels that would otherwise be attainable, however. That said, he should go for 1,200 and 10 TD. Derrick Mason will enjoy seeing Steve McNair under center rather than Kyle Boller or Chris Redman. Of course, Derrick Mason probably would have enjoyed seeing Jim Miller or Erik Kramer under center rather than those two schmokes. Mason should have a solid year. Isaac Bruce? I have a little song for ya... "Glory days, oh, they'll pass you by... Glory Days." Get the picture? Eddie Kennison is the Chiefs' #1 WR, but new coach Herm Edwards may run the ball 45 times per game (wait, I have Larry Johnson... yeah, they should do that). Ultimately, Kennison provides adequate depth. Doug Gabriel is a decent flier pickup now that he is in Bah-stahn and should get looks. Grade: B

Tight End: Heath Miller proved to be a key red zone target for the Steelers last year, but he is far from an elite option. His numbers should go up with Jerome Bettis' retirement, but Gates, Heap and Shockey's places at the top of the TE pile will remain secure. Grade: C+

Kicker and D/ST: I'm tired. Jeff Wikins kicks the ball and, otherwise, tries to stay out of the real players' way and the Redskins will play defense. Sure wish they still had Dexter Manley, though. Grade: B

X-Factor: Corey Dillon. Dillon is only one-year removed from a 1.635 season and has scored 12 TD in each of the last two years. Can he duplicate such a feat? Pretty unlikely given that there are a number of factors working against him, including age and the presence of rookie Laurence Maroney. Mark is going to need something out of Dillon, however or be forced to depend on either Brown or Henry gaining a strangle hold on the job in Tennessee and actually producing. I personally would rather (crud, I used the stingray barb through the heart yesterday!)... get stuck on a plane filled with venomous snakes!! Hey, it is still the Random Thoughts!

Overall: Spanky won the Corey Patterson Division in 2005, before losing in the semi-finals. With McNabb, Tomlinson, Mason and Wayne, a second division championship is a real possibility. Better keep the pantry stocked with vegetable beef, though... just in case. Grade: Man, I hate to do this again... B