Maybe the Decision Leaves the Bulls With Enough Money to Sign Both Barry Williams AND Maureen Mccormick!

So, there it was...8:00. I had my bag of cheesy poofs, the television was turned to the correct channel, and the kids were told that I was not to be disturbed under any circumstances. And what I saw truly was gut-wrenching. What I saw was an individual who clearly was torn. What I saw was a person who was on the verge of being completely destroyed by the magnitude of the agonozing decision that was being forced.

I mean, you beat the odds and get cast as the Fairy Princess in the Clinton Elementary School presentation of "The Frog Prince," but are told that you can invite only one person? What is an eight-year old girl to do when you have your heart set on iniviting, not only mommy and daddy, but all five siblings, Alice, Sam the Butcher, Harold the Bug Kid, and the little Native American boy who they found in the Grand Canyon too?

Fortunately, the fine school district administrators saved the day by holding a special presentation of the play, exclusively for the Brady family. Flowers bloomed. Rainbows appeared in the southern sky. Birdies and small woodland animals helped sew clothes and bake delicious cakes. Last night, there were smiles all around.

Or at least on the faces of Pat Riley, Jimmy Buffett, Sophia Petrillo and Crockett and Tubbs...

* I respect those who are saying "Who gives a crap where LeBron goes" and I understand the sentiment, but I respectively disagree. As Bulls fan, I care. Is he selfish? Yes. Did he handle the situation appropriately? No. Did he essentially hold the entire NBA hostage? Yes. Has he won more NBA Finals games than Dane Fife, RT Hottie #2 or Susan Olsen? No. Did I want him on the Bulls? You bet your freakin' ass I did.

* So, did LeBron make the best decision given his desire to win championships? Well, I don't think it is as bad an idea as a senior prom for senior citizens, but I also don't think it is as good an idea as a pizza party for all of Pittsburgh (by the way, how did the Cubs get a runner on first base anyway? Must have been catchers' interference). James-Bosh-Wade is certainly a formidable trio and they will go into the '10-11 season as the favorites, but it is foolish to underestimate the importance of surrounding the trifecta with decent supporting pieces. In other words, if they are able to find a Derek Fisher, a Steve Kerr, and a Cliff Levingston, they will be fine. If, on the other hand, if the best Riley and his cronies can do are Fred Hoiberg, Dalibor Bagaric and Khalid El Amin, they are in trouble.

* Ulitmately, I am disappointed that LeBron has decided that he would rather live on a diet of stone crabs than deep dish pizza, hot dogs with no ketchup, and italian beef sandwiches, but I am not going to bitch and moan like Cavaliers' owner Dan Gilbert. Sheesh, I have not heard someone sound more like a scorned eight-year old girl since Cindy wrongly accused Bobby of stealing her Kitty Carryall and then chastized Bobby for having the gaul to spend all his money to buy her a brand new one. At the end of the day, my life goes on, as will the Bulls'. And with the addition of Carlos Boozer, I do believe that the Bulls are markedly better and will be a top-four team in the East next season.

Besides, just as I remind myself every night after watching the Cubs score one run and commit three errors, the Blackhawks won the Cup.

Better add me to the list of people who were smiling last night.

Have a great weekend everyone!

And The Verdict Is...

Flip on ESPN and you are likely to see Chris Broussard sharing the latest information. Turn the channel to the Deuce and find Tim Legler talking about what his sources are saying. Head on over to Comcast Sports Net and there is Stacey King putting down a turkey leg and large mashed potatoes and gravy long enough to break it all down. Heck, turn on Telemundo and you are likely to find the guy in the bumblee suit waxing poetic about what he thinks is going to happen. The truth is that everyone has an opinion about what LeBron is going to do -- based, of course, on the latest information. Oh sure, nobody has actually spoken with Maverick Carter or World Wide Wes or anyone else in James' inner circle, but everyone claims there are plenty of clues that offer potential evidence. And even those that do not even pretend to have any real insider information, claim to have chatted with Lady Cleo or Professor Trelawny or Jimmy the Greek and, therefore, have a pretty good idea about what is going to happen.

To heck with all them.

You see, your visit to Dan's Random Sports Thoughts is going to pay huge dividends. Yes, I realize that you could have spent your valuable ten minutes trying to figure out which Arby's Jeff Samardzija now works at, but you have wisely chosen to spend your time with the RT. And you will be rewarded. You see, I have a guy.

Yes, I have a guy and because I have a guy and you either know me or stumbled upon this blog while looking for Dansrandomportthoughts. now you have a guy. (for the record, Tortola and Aruba are awesome, Samana in the Dominican Repulic is an absolute shithole, and it may be pretty, but there is frightingly little to do in Curacao once you have visited the place where Randal Simon developed his intense hatred for italian sausage). Don't waste your time on ESPN or CBS Sportsline or Yahoo Sports or any other sports site, because I have a guy.

Yes, I know a guy who knows a guy who dated a girl who had a dog whose former owner was in the same karate class as a guy who had a one-night stand with a girl whose brother knows a guy who saw LeBron eat a piece of candy while leaving his basketball camp on Wednesday. That is right...ate a piece of candy. I think it may have been a starburst.

Now, who remembers when Memphis played in the Final Four in 2008? And who remembers when a certain point guard got sick at the Final Four and missed practice? And who remembers why he got sick? That is right! Derrick Rose got a tummy ache because he ate too much candy.

And so, clearly King James will announce tomorrow night that he is not afraid of playing in the shadow of Ron Mercer and will sign with the Bulls.

But wait.... you see, I know another guy. And this guy knows a guy who knows a girl who was once mistaken for Random Thoughts Hottie # 1 and who partied with a guy who tried to get back at his sister by joining the Sunflower Girls. Oh yeah, he also saw LeBron visit some old folks at Shady Acres, where the seniors were watching Golden Girls in the television room. And...get this... LeBron glanced up at the screen right when Blanche (RIP) was telling Dorothy and Rose about how she played hide the rubber ring with Don Shula. Yes, he looked up at the screen.

Looks like LeBron will clearly announce that he will be Livin' La Vida Loca with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh on South Beach (and, yes, Gloria Estafan may have to play point guard with Ricky Martin patrolling the lane, but great players just have to make due, right?).

Oh, I am not done yet.. You see I also know a guy who saw Jake Peavy wearing a Cubs hat while singing "Go Cubs Go" in a Las Vegas karaoke bar. Uh, never mind... (Although it is pretty rare that I can cause fans of both sides of town to shake their heads in disgust at the exact same time).

The truth is that LeBron will return to Cleveland. Unless, of course, he chooses to chase alleged billions and play with Eddy Curry in New York, which is clearly his sure-fire destination. Unless the lure of getting Alexi Zhamnov's autograph in New Jersey is too much to pass up, which everyone except Jeremy Roenick agrees is something that NOBODY can pass up. Unless, of course, he really wants that job in the Cubs bullpen. Huh?

The truth is that, despite everyone having an opinion, nobody really has any clue what LeBron is going to do tonight. Except LeBron and he probably signed one of those Mark Burnett special contracts that cause him to lose all the money he earned and give back his torch and buff if he tells anyone that Russell was once again the best player but got screwed again!. In other words, all the talk on sports radio and all the chatter on sports television, and all the Facebook status updates, and all he tweets, and even Adam Richman's thoughts on LeBron - voiced in between bites of a 48-pound pancake - are really just idle noise (by the way, does anyone else think the challenges on that show look easy, but deep down realize that eating 450 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups is likely not in the cards?).

So, I guess we will all just have to wait until tonight at 8:00 to find out his destination (that's 10:00 am on Friday morning if you are reading this Shingo Takatsu). Me? Well, I continue to believe that he will return to Cleveland.

Unless, of course, my guys calls and tells me that LeBron is seen walking down the street singing 25 or 6 to 4 or "Come on baby, do the conga."

* Thanks to those of you who commented on the last post (AllHailtheChief, OrangeWhip, Allinonthefirsthand, Soxfanjoe? Where are you? Medical Stalker? Hello??). That said, I have to ask "MK" to please identify him or herself. Is that Mark Kozak (our beloved "Mad Chemist")? Mark Klinn? Mary Kay? Could that actually be Matt Karchner? Hey, get off the computer and get back to making the beef 'n' cheddars. And say hello to Samardzija for me...

Courting the King

Well, the NBA free agency period is now almost 24 hours old and I still have not received a single call or been asked for a single meeting. Okay, well I did receive one call, but it had nothing to do with playing Robin to Kevin Durant's batman. You see, Stan Bowman called. It turns out I've been traded to the Thrashers too. Sheesh!

Everyone in Chicago knows that, while the names Wade, Bosh, Boozer, Lee, and Johnson are all being thrown around, LeBron is the real target. And, while each of the NBA's 30 teams would gladly sign a 45-year old Dickie Simpkins if it means being able to land King James, only a handful of teams have a legitimate chance: the Cavaliers, the Knicks, the Nets, Los Angeles, and, yes, the Bulls. You really do have to feel bad for LeBron. After all, each team truly has a lot to offer and it is undoubtedly going to be a difficult decision. But, I am going to make it very easy. Rather than having to put up with a parade of GMs, head coaches, owners, and annoying little shits who have not made a relevant movie since 1992 ("Kobe Doin' Work" doesn't count), I have laid it all out for Mr. James by succiently explaining what each potential suitor has to offer. Look, every city can promise seating at the top restaurants and tickets to the hot new show. It is the obscure benefits that are going to make the difference. So, without further ado, let's break down what each city/ team can offer:

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS -- Cleveland is home, but it is the poultry that can truly make the difference.

* Immediate induction into the Shaq-Fu Da Return wing of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

* Use of Bernie Kosar's old "pick" should he ever decide to grow an afro

* An autographed Kerry Wood model-MRI machine

* Jobu's rum, chili dogs at the restaurant where Jake took Lynn after she got her masters degree, free interior decorating tips from Herb Dorn, and possibly even a turn in the sack with Suzanne if he hangs out in the right bar.

* Meet-and-greet with Howard the Duck

LOS ANGELES NBA TEAM

Heck, if LeBron wants to win a championship, there is no better place to go that La La Land.

* Jeannie Buss is lonley. Terribly, terribly lonley.

* Books on Native American art, an incense burner, and an autographed copy of Big Chief Triangle's best seller "How to Fool the World Into Thinking You Are an Elite Coach By Only Coaching Teams that Have the Best Players and Completely Refusing the Challenge of Rebuilding"

* Weekend sojourns to Eagle, Colorado with Kobe and his inevitable sloppy seconds.

* The chance to dine with Jack and find out whether he really ordered the Code Red or whether he was actually covering for Dyan Cannon.

* Meet-and greet with Ron Artest's psychiatr...

Wait a minute...you mean it is the Clippers who have the cap space to sign LeBron?!? Oh, fuck that.

NEW JERSEY NETS -- Can King James really pass up a golden opportunity to get Sergei Krivokrasov's autograph?

* You'a don't'a wanna play fer the Nets? No? No? I'll'a senda Silvio, Paulie Walnuts, and Big Pussy ova to'a break'a yer face.

* The Nets won 12 games last year. Where else will you likely have the chance to play with Dee Brown, Marco Killingsworth, and Chris Kramer?

* If you come down with a case of Spattergroit, Conjoined Twin Myslexia, or even Cooties and can deal with a surly caregiver, there is a pretty good chance your malady will be correctly diagnosed. Say hello to 13 for me!

* Unlimited borscht, Popov vodka, and naked pictures of Anna Kournikova in the locker room AND the occasional half time speech by Yakov Smirnoff.

* The real housewives are having a get together. 8:00 Friday night at the Brownstone. No men allowed. Except you, LeBron. I said real.

NEW YORK KNICKS -- The Knicks have a legitimate chance to bring LeBron to Broadway. Really. No, seriously. Hoo hoo! Ha ha! I haven't laughed this hard since Terrance called Philip an Uncle Fucker.

* Check under the false concrete precisely where the Yankee Stadium third base dugout used to be. Hey, ARod had to stash it somewhere with the Feds sniffing around every corner.

* Thursday is "Feed Anthony Mason" day at the Metropolitan zoo and John Starks will let you steal cheetos from the Shop-and-Save in Queens if he can tell his friends that he knows you.

*Free haircuts from Clarence, lively discussions regarding whether Joe Louis was 137 years old when Rocky Marciano beat his ass, seedless buns at McDowell's, and the chance to see both Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate at the Ms. Black Awareness Pageant.

* Those El Paso guys are out of their minds. The salsa is great.

* The best AIDS walk in the country... but you better wear the ribbon.

CHICAGO BULLS -- Sweet Home Chicago is a true possibility. No, LeBron will never be as popular as Ferris, but free tickets to the Steve Wilkos Show ain't all bad.

* Where else will you have the chance to use Dragan Tarlac's or Kornel David's or Dedric Willoughby's old locker?

* School day lunches with Abe Froman -- the Sausage King of Chicago.

* The chance to watch Mark Prior continue his Hall of Fame career. Oh wait... The chance to see all star Josh Fields. Superstar Joe Borchard? Five tool prospect Corey Patterson? Can't miss Felix Pee-Ay? Okay... the chance to see Randy Wells and Mark Kotsay. Yipee.

* Can you hit .230? Do you make unfortunate errors in the field? Will you suddenly remind people of Einstein Jones when you run the bases? Are you often mistaken for a Venezuelan punching bag? Now playing 1st base for the Cubs...

* The opportunity to drink whatever the hell Patrick Kane has put in the Cup. Find one of Duncan Keith's teeth and win a free Kris Versteeg jersey and a Coach Q brand mustache trimmer.

* Elisabeth Shue will babysit the kids while you ride the El with Rebecca De Mornay.

So, there you have it. As you can see, LeBron has some very tough decisions to make as all the cities on the list have quite a bit to offer. Ultimately, there is going to have to be something that makes the difference. Hey LeBron... Italian beef dipped, large cheese fries and a chocolate cake shake? Welcome to the Windy City King James.

(For the record -- no -- I do not believe that LeBron will be making daily runs to Portillo's this fall. It is, after all, extremely difficult to pass up daily trips to see Rene Russo at the library. Don't worry... I'm sure Anderson Varejao is going to develop a jump shot any day now).

* Now wait...you did not actually think that I could make it all the way through my first blog in almost eleven months without talking about the Chicago National League Ballclub, did you? So, what do I have to say? Well, unfortunately, nothing has changed. Fuck the Cubs. Fuck them right in the ear...

Say It Like It Is

Fuck the Cubs

Maybe...Maybe Not

And so the second half of the baseball season is upon us. Ok, so technically, the last 46.91 percent of the baseball season is upon us, but is anyone really counting?

I am not sure how to feel heading into the final 76 games. I have spent the better part of the last 15 weeks whining about the Cubs and bemoaning my belief that they will not make a third straight appearance in the postseason. Yet, for some strange reason I cannot help but be cautiously optimistic. Now do not get me wrong, I still do not think that they are going to win the division, but I'd be lying if I did not say that I am very curious about what the next 2 1/2 months hold.

Among the most frequently sighted signs at Wrigley are the ones that say "It's Gonna Happen" (right up there on the list with "Mark DeRosa for President" and "Jason Marquis for Vice President"... how soon people forget). So, although I hate to give any publicity to the moron whose stupidity resulted in a beat down by Randy Myers (the "creator" of the sign is the same guy who headed to the mound after Myers gave up a home run in a late 1995 game), I'm stealing his slogan, making a few subtle changes where necessary, and taking a look at what I expect to happen during the remainder of the season.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN

* The Other Leftfielder: Congratulations Sean Marshall on getting an official RT nickname!! Thanks to Lou's creative thinking, Marshall shall now be known as "The Other Leftfielder." Marshall is perhaps the most underappreciated player on the Cubs and his versatility is crucial. Whether the team signs B.J. Ryan, Jeff Fassero, Barack Obama or some other lefthander and moves Marshall back to the starting rotation or keeps him in the pen, he will be a valuable asset in the months ahead (think a modern day version of 1998's Terry Mulholland). And, if nothing else, why not give him a start in left? Can he really do any worse than the present options?

* Abbey Road: You can keep your Rolling Stones, your Led Zeppelin, and even your Twisted Sister and Men Without Hats.... the Beatles are the greatest rock and roll band of all time. Yet, even the Beatles suffered through that weird Ravi Shankar/ Maharishi period, where a lot of fans had absolutely no clue what the hell was going on and much of their music was just weird (before rebounding with the truly sensational Abbey Road). Hasbro Suckstein is certainly no Beatle, but he does have an inarguable track record and, despite all my frustration with him so far, I'm guessing that he becomes Kenner Awsomeberg and has a great second half. Just please make sure Yoko Ono stays out of the clubhouse and please don't let him even try to play the sitar.

* Max Guevara: Whether wearing a red bikini, a blue bikini, a polka dot bikini or a bikini with little pictures of Random Thoughts Hottie #13 on it (now, that is an idea!), RT Hottie #1 is always going to look good. I have no interest in seeing either D. Lee and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly in a bikini, but you have to admit that they have been amazingly consistent so far this year. Further, you have to trust that they will continue to impress for the entire season.

* Shooting Par: The Cubs are mediocre. That is one thing I think we can all agree on. Yet, I think we can also agree that the Brewers, Cardinals, Astros and Reds are not going to be confused with the 1927 Yankees. Fortunately, somebody has to win the NL Central. Might as well be the Cubs. Think of it as the equivalent of "The Departed" winning Best Picture in '06. Good movie, but best picture?

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN

* The Leftfielder: Number 12 is going to hit again. I do believe that. He will also remain overrated and will continue to suck in the clutch. I believe that even more. In fact, I predict that the only thing that pisses me off more that the leftfielder in the next ten weeks is the fact that Keith Hernandez has still not apologized for spitting on me after a tough loss.

* Mike Morgan's Unwelcome Return to Wrigley: I have no clue what is wrong with Rich Harden, but it is obvious that something has gone terribly wrong. When Harden was first traded to the Cubs, the concern was that he could not stay healthy. Most Cubs' fans now go to bed hoping he comes down with case of Conjoined Twin Myslexia. I'm guessing that, if he does, the dead fetus turns out to be Wade Miller.

* The Fourth Option: Aaron Heilman is currently the #4 man out of the Cubs' bullpen, which is not a good thing. When Heilman pitches, you are practically guaranteed that at least one batter will walk, Larry Roth-s-child will make at least one slow, trip to the mound, and I am going to want to throw an Old Style through the television.

* Say Hello to Laverne and Shirley, The World's "Classiest" Fans, Uncle Jessie, MaryKate and Ashley: The Cubs have the good fortune of closing the season with a six game homestand against the Pirates and D'Backs. Of course, immediately before the homestand, they have a killer ten-game roadtrip that takes them to St. Louis, Milwaukee and San Francisco. Wow! Head-to-head matchups with the Cards and Brewers will be tough enough, but a four-game series against Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and the Giants is brutal. Perhaps we should pay the Anorexia Twins to keep them out all night. And throw in Kimmy Gibbler. That girl may have been goofy looking, but you know she can par-tay.

* Sammy Sosa's Sneeze: I suppose we should be happy that The Japanese Twister has not suffered cornea damage from an unfortunate wasabi accident. With all the injuries the Cubs have suffered, it is hard to imagine what is coming next. Perhaps Lee will spontaneously combust. Maybe Lilly will suffer from a bizarre gardening accident. Perhaps Theriot will choke on Mike Fontenot's vomit. You know, as long as you are keeping all sitars out of the clubhouse, better keep drums out as well.

WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHETHER IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

* Shopping at The House of Evil: In one of my favorite Simpsons episodes, Homer goes to the House of Evil to buy Bart a birthday present. The shopkeeper recommends that he consider a Krusty Doll that just happens to be cursed. But the good news is that the doll comes with a free Frogurt. But the Frogurt is also cursed. Yet it comes with one's choice of topping... After watching last weekend's action, I fear that third base is going to be like shopping at the House of Evil -- you will have to take the good with the bad. First is my belief that Aramis is far from healthy and I doubt that he is going to last the season (that's bad). But Jake Fox has proven he can hit at the major league level (that's good). But he is still unproven in the field (that's bad). But he has tremendous power (that's good). But you never know when his switch is going to be flipped to evil, causing him to try and kill Micah Hoffpauir...

* Potassium Benzonate: Nobody knows whether Randy Wells will kill you either. (Yes, you are supposed to click on the video link above...)

* The Poor Gatorade Machine: Speaking of having an on/off switch, has anyone checked Big Z to see if there is a simple reason why he is so up and down? One game he pitches a two-hitter and the next he walks eight hitters, breaks Jeff Baker over his knee, and eats Matt Sinatro's Sopranos action figure collection. If you know what the second half holds for Carlos, please remind Dr. Brown that stealing is bad -- even if it is from a group of Libyan terrorists -- and please punch Biff Tannen in his nose.

* Rolaids: Calling the Cubs' bullpen shaky is like calling the Jackson family dysfunctional. That said, Kevin Gregg has actually pitched pretty well as of late and Carlos Marmol has had his decent moments. Whether they can consistently get the job done will go a long way toward whether the team can win the division. Of course, relying on them is a bit like asking Peter Brady to fix your bike. God knows what is going to happen and it may not be pretty.

* Why Not Just Sell On EBay?: At this point, who the heck knows who is going to own the Cubs and when the sale is going to be completed? Wouldn't it have just been easier to sell them to Mark Cuban? Just think Dirk Nowitzki could have sold weinerschnitzel in the stands. There could have been a new Dairy Queen promotion: free small blizzards every time a runner fails to score from third with under two outs. Jason Kidd could have offered free marriage counseling. Hope Dworaczyk could have manned the Wrigley kissing booth. Damn old boys club!

The biggest issue with the fact that the sale has not been completed concerns the team's apparent inability to make any moves at the trading deadline. The biggest question, therefore, involves what other teams are going to do and whether the Brewers can land a front line starter or the Cardinals can add another bat. In other words, the Cubs' main competitors may end up with Halladay and Holliday. The best the Cubs apparently can do is Billie Holliday's nephew (and he plays the drums).

THE BOTTOM LINE

I think the final 46.91 percent of the season is going to be much like the first 53.09...up and down. In fact, I imagine it will go something like this... take three of four from the Nationals -- get swept by the Phillies -- Wells cuts finger on Liberty Bell and Z chokes on a cheesesteak -- beat the crap out of Dusty -- Koyie Hill swallows Dusty's tea sticks or whatever the hell they are -- dominate the 110 pound Miguel Tejada -- melt in the Florida heat -- etc. etc. etc. You get the picture. Better buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Alas, wait 'til next year.

Don't Forget Marmol's Ears...

Well, at least the fans in Cleveland should be happy...

Quick notes from last night's All-Star Game...

* I enjoyed seeing President Obama at the game and thought he really sounded like he knew what he was talking about when being interviewed by Tim McCarver and the smarmy Joe Buck during the second inning. I was also happy to see that he refused to "play politics" and actually wore a White Sox jacket when he took the mound to throw out the first pitch. Can you imagine if Hillary had won the presidency? "Oh sure I grew up in Park Ridge and, therefore, felt perfectly comfortable cheering on Terry Wood, and Sammy Saso, and Moisture Alou during the '03 playoffs. And, of course, I am a life long Yankees fan and love David Jeter and Mariusz Rivera thanks to my well-timed move to the NYC. And, well, I am sure you all realize that if an opportunity to further my career pops up in Southern California, I am more than ready to eat some tofu and don Dodger Blue. But, deep down everyone knows I am a middle-america girl at heart and fondly remember the days of Timmy Herr and Len Oberkfell and Darren Parter. Go St. Luis Cardinails!"

* "Wait a minute, I thought they played in Arizona!"

* Carl Crawford made an excellent catch and was awarded the MVP as a result. Frankly, anyone who watched the game realizes that there simply was nobody else to give the award to. Pujols ruined the Disney script thanks to an 0-3 performance at the plate and an error that opened the door for two runs to score. Yadier Molina had a nice hit, but did little else. Tony LaRussa lost games of "Quarters" and "Three-Man" to Joe Torre. Ozzie Smith keeps getting more and more overrated as time passes. George Hendrick is nowhere to be found. It turns out David Eckstein is still in the 3rd grade. Willie McGee is too ugly. Keith Hernandez can't get to third base, let alone home (oh, please someone understand this!!!). Like I said, there really was nobody else. Kurt Warner? How about Erin Andrews? She did a decent job putting up with the insufferable Chris Berman during the Home Run Derby and was presumably still in St. Louis for the game.

* AL pitchers recorded 18 consecutive outs at one point in the game confusing the heck out of thedaughter who noted that "daddy said the Cubs were not playing tonight." I myself, am still looking for confirmation that it was, in fact, Ryan Braun, Hanley Ramirez and David Wright batting and not theleftfielder, Mike Fontenot and Koyie Hill under the influence of some finely prepared Polyjuice Potion.

* All I heave heard for the last three days is about how classy Cardinals' fans are. They appreciate the game. They respect the other team. Blah blah blah. Nice to see them show their class when Theodore Roosevelt Lilly was introduced. My guess is that Charlie Manuel elected not to use Lilly in the game out of fear that he would be pelted with spareribs and Jack Clark "IOU notes." You can claim it was all in good fun, but, in my mind, calling them "classy" is like calling Sascha Baron Cohen an introvert or claiming that the kids who are picked to be on MTV's The Real World are not promiscious. In other words, actions speak louder than words and booing speaks even louder. Note that I do not have a problem with the booing, it is the fact that Joe Buck kept telling everyone how great they are (did I mention how smarmy he is?) and would not shut up about it. Hopefully, once they get indoor plumbing, they will not be so crabby.

* Anyone as impressed as I am that Ben Zobrist did, in fact, face Heath Bell in the 8th inning? If Zobrist had gotten a bloop single, I would have had to go out and buy a lottery ticket.

* The NL's Charlie Manuel did seem to manage the game to win, but his decision to pinch hit Prince Fielder in the 2nd inning was idiotic and I commented on its stupidity when it happened. The second innning is when you waste Freddy Sanchez or Jayson Werth, not when you put up a guy who can hit the ball 500+ feet. As an NL fan, I sure wish Fielder was available to take his cuts against Rivera in the ninth, in a situation where one swing could tie the game.

* Instead, Miguel Tejada made the last out. Let me say one thing about Tejada, he has clearly been spending an awful lot of time with Jenny Craig. Either than or not spending quite as much time with Victor Conte. I'm betting on the latter and his precipitous drop in power numbers offers all the evidence I need. His weight loss makes Jared the Subway nerd look like he hasn't even tried (by the way, yes, it was the RT that originally commented on Tejada's falling power numbers way back in '06 -- long before he was ever mentioned by Palmeiro, Canseco or anyone else. You can look it up and then thank your lucky stars that you know me).

* Finally, in yesterday's post, I joked about the size of Ryan Howard's nose, commenting that there is likely a family of nine living in each nostril. I took a really good look at him last night and I am simply not ready to give it up. In fact, as I watched him imitate theleftfielder by striking out on a pitch that he could not have hit with a wiffle ball bat, I started to think of how lucky he must have been in high school. While the rest of the kids were sneaking their alcohol into the football game by wearing a Boda Bag under a bulky sweater or by trying to hide three bottles of Little Kings in their underwear, think of how easy it must have been for Ryan. Heck, he could have fit an entire pony keg up there. Cheers!

* Finally, finally... (and this is for those of you who have been fans of the RT for a long time, those of you who are big Illinois basketball fans and those of you who watched the NCAA tournament with me during the first few years of this decase). I want you to imagine Ryan Howard's nose, paired with Marcus Griffin's mouth, and Ryan Braun's eyes. Now, throw in Ryan Franklin's ridiculous chin hair. Really picture it. Hilarious!!!

How About A Donut Eating Contest Between Bobby Jenks and Prince Fielder?

Pay attention Cleveland Indians fans. Your postseason fate may very well be decided tonight.

Oh sure, it is a long shot. But let's just say that Kerry Wood moves back to the starting rotation and regains his 1998 form. And let's say that Albert Belle quits his job at the Shreveport Kindercare and returns to Jacobs Field. And let's also say that Bob Feller has some life left in his 90-year old arm (hey, it seems to be working for Jose Contreras) and Jake and Pedro and Ricky and the rest of the boys learn that the owner's real goal is to field a team that would be just bad enough to allow her to move the club to Miami. And finally, let's say that the team unloads the rights to both Joe Charboneau and the ghost of Lou Boudreau so that Superman, er... Mark DeRosa can make a glorious return to the Mistake by the Lake. Well, if all that were to happen, it is hard to argue that tonight is a very important night for Indians' fans.

After all, tonight is the Major League All-Star Game and, as you may have heard, this time it counts (of course, it counted last year and the year before that and the year before that, but, hey, baseball likes the slogan and who am I to argue?).

(By the way, the WNBA has still got next. Not sure what they have next, but they apparently have still got it. The right to play in front of 400 fans?)

The concept of awarding home field advantage to the league that wins the All-Star Game is a lot like reality television shows. A lot of people claim to absolutely hate the idea, without really being able to articulate a clear reason why. In many ways, it has become a lot like the movie Titanic after it won 2,749 Academy Awards in that it almost seems as though it has become vogue to bash it. I, however, I like the concept -- especially when one really considers the alternatives.

Let's start with the way home field advantage was decided before the famous 2002 tie game in Milwaukee. As you likely recall, the two leagues simply took turns. Joy. No doubt a nice concept if you are talking about second graders playing "Heads Up, Seven Up" (the single greatest classroom game ever) but not such a good idea if you are talking about the World Series.

And what are the other alternatives? Perhaps the most often cited alternative is a league's total interleague record, which, in theory, does make some sense. Of course, it was Homer Simpson who famously pointed out that, in theory, communism makes sense, but I do not see anyone clamoring for a daily ration of borscht, an occasional Stoli on the rocks, and cold nights spent listening to old Gorky Park records while hanging out with Sergei Federov (Anna Kournikova not included).

You see, the problem with using total interleague record is that, as a Cubs game, I do not want National League teams to win their interleague games. In fact, I want them to get their asses handed to them. I want the Royals to bring back George Brett, I want him to put as much pine tar on his bat as possible, and I want him to knock the living crap out of the Cardinals. I want U.L. Washington to stuff his toothpick up Rick Ankiel's ass (just go in through the pre-existing steroid hole). I want Colby Rasmus to get eaten by the Kauffman Stadium tarp machine. And I want Tony LaRussa to go drinking with Willie Wilson and end up on a drunken rampage that results in Albert Pujols getting run over by the bullpen car.

Look (I turned into Lou for a second there...), if the Cubs are ever going to win the World Series they are going to need every advantage they can muster, including home field. And I certainly do not want to have to cheer on their rivals for it to happen. I can see it now... "Yeah! The NL has home field advantage because they won the interleague series. What do you mean, Ryan Theriot is spending his entire October focusing on whether to buy a Harry Potter or a Doogie Howser costume for Halloween? Boy, am I happy that I stupidly celebrated the Cardinals three-game sweep of the Twins. Oh, I'm sure Chris Carpenter will enjoy opening the World Series at Busch."

Another option is best overall record, but, I am not sure how fair it is with unbalanced schedules. I can see it working, but is it really that better than the winner of the All-Star Game?

Now, the key admittedly is for Charlie Manuel and Joe Maddon to manage the game with the implications in mind and the fact that most All-Star managers are reluctant to do so is where the problem ulitmately lies. In other words, to hell with making sure that everyone gets in the game. Nobody wants to see home field advantage determined because Ben Zobrist hit a bloop single off Heath Bell. What we want to see is Albert Pujols versus Mariano Rivera with the game on the line. The managers need to play the game to win and if it means that Pujols and Derek Jeter play the whole game, well I would love to see it. If Adam Jones' mother or Andrew Bailey's dog's former owner is upset that they did not get into the game then so be it (in fact, I have to admit that, before a few days ago, I thought that Andrew Bailey was one of the Backstreet Boys).

Now, I am not going to claim that there are not better options that have obviously yet to be considered. For example, how about basing home field advantage on:

* The winner of the Seniors Triatholon, featuring a walker race around the bases, a tapioca pudding eating contest and a battle of who can last longer with Sophia Petrillo between 88 year old Tim Wakefield and 82 year old Trevor Hoffman.

* A tug-of-war between the nine children living in Ryan Howard's left nostril versus the nine illegitimate kids fathered during Josh Hamilton's six years living in a drug den.

* A Hora dancing, Neil Diamond "Name That Tune" and latke making contest between MsOT Jason Marquis and Kevin Youkilis.

* The ultimate battle to decide who was really the best player chosen in the 2001 draft between #1 pick Joe Mauer and #2 pick Mark Prior. What the hell do you mean Prior is working in a Southern California Del Taco rather than representing the Cubs in the game?**

Just for the record, my suggestion last year was that Ichiro and the Japanese Twister engage in a sushi rolling contest, and would make the same suggestion this year if only the citizens of Nagano and Hiroshima were not too busy laughing at the "new" General Motors to vote, leaving Kosuke to spend the All-Star break holed up in an Evanston hotel, hugging his lucky Hello Kitty and watching old episodes of Spectreman (undoubtedly the greatest television show when I was a kid. In fact, there could be no better day than playing "Heads Up, Seven Up" in class, rushing home in time to catch Jack Brickhouse call a game winning dinger by Steve Ontiveros, and finishing off the day by watching Spectreman kick the crap out of some fire-breathing giant lizard).

So, the bottom line is that I do not mind that the All-Star Game decides home field advantage in the World Series. There are certainly worse options and, in my opinion, it does add a needed intensity to the game. So, I enocurage you to fight that urge to turn on Big Brother 11 tonight. After all, Cleveland, you never know when both big brother (Sandy) and little brother (Roberto) are coming home. That is if Kenny Williams does not get there first.

* Please let me know what you think of the fact that the All-Star game determines home field advantage by commenting. Of course, I am also interested in other ways that home field can be decided (especially the creative ways...)

** Sports Trivia Question of the Day: What current All-Star was selected #5 by Texas in the "famous" 2001 draft?