Say It Like It Is

Fuck the Cubs

Maybe...Maybe Not

And so the second half of the baseball season is upon us. Ok, so technically, the last 46.91 percent of the baseball season is upon us, but is anyone really counting?

I am not sure how to feel heading into the final 76 games. I have spent the better part of the last 15 weeks whining about the Cubs and bemoaning my belief that they will not make a third straight appearance in the postseason. Yet, for some strange reason I cannot help but be cautiously optimistic. Now do not get me wrong, I still do not think that they are going to win the division, but I'd be lying if I did not say that I am very curious about what the next 2 1/2 months hold.

Among the most frequently sighted signs at Wrigley are the ones that say "It's Gonna Happen" (right up there on the list with "Mark DeRosa for President" and "Jason Marquis for Vice President"... how soon people forget). So, although I hate to give any publicity to the moron whose stupidity resulted in a beat down by Randy Myers (the "creator" of the sign is the same guy who headed to the mound after Myers gave up a home run in a late 1995 game), I'm stealing his slogan, making a few subtle changes where necessary, and taking a look at what I expect to happen during the remainder of the season.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN

* The Other Leftfielder: Congratulations Sean Marshall on getting an official RT nickname!! Thanks to Lou's creative thinking, Marshall shall now be known as "The Other Leftfielder." Marshall is perhaps the most underappreciated player on the Cubs and his versatility is crucial. Whether the team signs B.J. Ryan, Jeff Fassero, Barack Obama or some other lefthander and moves Marshall back to the starting rotation or keeps him in the pen, he will be a valuable asset in the months ahead (think a modern day version of 1998's Terry Mulholland). And, if nothing else, why not give him a start in left? Can he really do any worse than the present options?

* Abbey Road: You can keep your Rolling Stones, your Led Zeppelin, and even your Twisted Sister and Men Without Hats.... the Beatles are the greatest rock and roll band of all time. Yet, even the Beatles suffered through that weird Ravi Shankar/ Maharishi period, where a lot of fans had absolutely no clue what the hell was going on and much of their music was just weird (before rebounding with the truly sensational Abbey Road). Hasbro Suckstein is certainly no Beatle, but he does have an inarguable track record and, despite all my frustration with him so far, I'm guessing that he becomes Kenner Awsomeberg and has a great second half. Just please make sure Yoko Ono stays out of the clubhouse and please don't let him even try to play the sitar.

* Max Guevara: Whether wearing a red bikini, a blue bikini, a polka dot bikini or a bikini with little pictures of Random Thoughts Hottie #13 on it (now, that is an idea!), RT Hottie #1 is always going to look good. I have no interest in seeing either D. Lee and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly in a bikini, but you have to admit that they have been amazingly consistent so far this year. Further, you have to trust that they will continue to impress for the entire season.

* Shooting Par: The Cubs are mediocre. That is one thing I think we can all agree on. Yet, I think we can also agree that the Brewers, Cardinals, Astros and Reds are not going to be confused with the 1927 Yankees. Fortunately, somebody has to win the NL Central. Might as well be the Cubs. Think of it as the equivalent of "The Departed" winning Best Picture in '06. Good movie, but best picture?

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN

* The Leftfielder: Number 12 is going to hit again. I do believe that. He will also remain overrated and will continue to suck in the clutch. I believe that even more. In fact, I predict that the only thing that pisses me off more that the leftfielder in the next ten weeks is the fact that Keith Hernandez has still not apologized for spitting on me after a tough loss.

* Mike Morgan's Unwelcome Return to Wrigley: I have no clue what is wrong with Rich Harden, but it is obvious that something has gone terribly wrong. When Harden was first traded to the Cubs, the concern was that he could not stay healthy. Most Cubs' fans now go to bed hoping he comes down with case of Conjoined Twin Myslexia. I'm guessing that, if he does, the dead fetus turns out to be Wade Miller.

* The Fourth Option: Aaron Heilman is currently the #4 man out of the Cubs' bullpen, which is not a good thing. When Heilman pitches, you are practically guaranteed that at least one batter will walk, Larry Roth-s-child will make at least one slow, trip to the mound, and I am going to want to throw an Old Style through the television.

* Say Hello to Laverne and Shirley, The World's "Classiest" Fans, Uncle Jessie, MaryKate and Ashley: The Cubs have the good fortune of closing the season with a six game homestand against the Pirates and D'Backs. Of course, immediately before the homestand, they have a killer ten-game roadtrip that takes them to St. Louis, Milwaukee and San Francisco. Wow! Head-to-head matchups with the Cards and Brewers will be tough enough, but a four-game series against Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and the Giants is brutal. Perhaps we should pay the Anorexia Twins to keep them out all night. And throw in Kimmy Gibbler. That girl may have been goofy looking, but you know she can par-tay.

* Sammy Sosa's Sneeze: I suppose we should be happy that The Japanese Twister has not suffered cornea damage from an unfortunate wasabi accident. With all the injuries the Cubs have suffered, it is hard to imagine what is coming next. Perhaps Lee will spontaneously combust. Maybe Lilly will suffer from a bizarre gardening accident. Perhaps Theriot will choke on Mike Fontenot's vomit. You know, as long as you are keeping all sitars out of the clubhouse, better keep drums out as well.

WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHETHER IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

* Shopping at The House of Evil: In one of my favorite Simpsons episodes, Homer goes to the House of Evil to buy Bart a birthday present. The shopkeeper recommends that he consider a Krusty Doll that just happens to be cursed. But the good news is that the doll comes with a free Frogurt. But the Frogurt is also cursed. Yet it comes with one's choice of topping... After watching last weekend's action, I fear that third base is going to be like shopping at the House of Evil -- you will have to take the good with the bad. First is my belief that Aramis is far from healthy and I doubt that he is going to last the season (that's bad). But Jake Fox has proven he can hit at the major league level (that's good). But he is still unproven in the field (that's bad). But he has tremendous power (that's good). But you never know when his switch is going to be flipped to evil, causing him to try and kill Micah Hoffpauir...

* Potassium Benzonate: Nobody knows whether Randy Wells will kill you either. (Yes, you are supposed to click on the video link above...)

* The Poor Gatorade Machine: Speaking of having an on/off switch, has anyone checked Big Z to see if there is a simple reason why he is so up and down? One game he pitches a two-hitter and the next he walks eight hitters, breaks Jeff Baker over his knee, and eats Matt Sinatro's Sopranos action figure collection. If you know what the second half holds for Carlos, please remind Dr. Brown that stealing is bad -- even if it is from a group of Libyan terrorists -- and please punch Biff Tannen in his nose.

* Rolaids: Calling the Cubs' bullpen shaky is like calling the Jackson family dysfunctional. That said, Kevin Gregg has actually pitched pretty well as of late and Carlos Marmol has had his decent moments. Whether they can consistently get the job done will go a long way toward whether the team can win the division. Of course, relying on them is a bit like asking Peter Brady to fix your bike. God knows what is going to happen and it may not be pretty.

* Why Not Just Sell On EBay?: At this point, who the heck knows who is going to own the Cubs and when the sale is going to be completed? Wouldn't it have just been easier to sell them to Mark Cuban? Just think Dirk Nowitzki could have sold weinerschnitzel in the stands. There could have been a new Dairy Queen promotion: free small blizzards every time a runner fails to score from third with under two outs. Jason Kidd could have offered free marriage counseling. Hope Dworaczyk could have manned the Wrigley kissing booth. Damn old boys club!

The biggest issue with the fact that the sale has not been completed concerns the team's apparent inability to make any moves at the trading deadline. The biggest question, therefore, involves what other teams are going to do and whether the Brewers can land a front line starter or the Cardinals can add another bat. In other words, the Cubs' main competitors may end up with Halladay and Holliday. The best the Cubs apparently can do is Billie Holliday's nephew (and he plays the drums).

THE BOTTOM LINE

I think the final 46.91 percent of the season is going to be much like the first 53.09...up and down. In fact, I imagine it will go something like this... take three of four from the Nationals -- get swept by the Phillies -- Wells cuts finger on Liberty Bell and Z chokes on a cheesesteak -- beat the crap out of Dusty -- Koyie Hill swallows Dusty's tea sticks or whatever the hell they are -- dominate the 110 pound Miguel Tejada -- melt in the Florida heat -- etc. etc. etc. You get the picture. Better buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Alas, wait 'til next year.

Don't Forget Marmol's Ears...

Well, at least the fans in Cleveland should be happy...

Quick notes from last night's All-Star Game...

* I enjoyed seeing President Obama at the game and thought he really sounded like he knew what he was talking about when being interviewed by Tim McCarver and the smarmy Joe Buck during the second inning. I was also happy to see that he refused to "play politics" and actually wore a White Sox jacket when he took the mound to throw out the first pitch. Can you imagine if Hillary had won the presidency? "Oh sure I grew up in Park Ridge and, therefore, felt perfectly comfortable cheering on Terry Wood, and Sammy Saso, and Moisture Alou during the '03 playoffs. And, of course, I am a life long Yankees fan and love David Jeter and Mariusz Rivera thanks to my well-timed move to the NYC. And, well, I am sure you all realize that if an opportunity to further my career pops up in Southern California, I am more than ready to eat some tofu and don Dodger Blue. But, deep down everyone knows I am a middle-america girl at heart and fondly remember the days of Timmy Herr and Len Oberkfell and Darren Parter. Go St. Luis Cardinails!"

* "Wait a minute, I thought they played in Arizona!"

* Carl Crawford made an excellent catch and was awarded the MVP as a result. Frankly, anyone who watched the game realizes that there simply was nobody else to give the award to. Pujols ruined the Disney script thanks to an 0-3 performance at the plate and an error that opened the door for two runs to score. Yadier Molina had a nice hit, but did little else. Tony LaRussa lost games of "Quarters" and "Three-Man" to Joe Torre. Ozzie Smith keeps getting more and more overrated as time passes. George Hendrick is nowhere to be found. It turns out David Eckstein is still in the 3rd grade. Willie McGee is too ugly. Keith Hernandez can't get to third base, let alone home (oh, please someone understand this!!!). Like I said, there really was nobody else. Kurt Warner? How about Erin Andrews? She did a decent job putting up with the insufferable Chris Berman during the Home Run Derby and was presumably still in St. Louis for the game.

* AL pitchers recorded 18 consecutive outs at one point in the game confusing the heck out of thedaughter who noted that "daddy said the Cubs were not playing tonight." I myself, am still looking for confirmation that it was, in fact, Ryan Braun, Hanley Ramirez and David Wright batting and not theleftfielder, Mike Fontenot and Koyie Hill under the influence of some finely prepared Polyjuice Potion.

* All I heave heard for the last three days is about how classy Cardinals' fans are. They appreciate the game. They respect the other team. Blah blah blah. Nice to see them show their class when Theodore Roosevelt Lilly was introduced. My guess is that Charlie Manuel elected not to use Lilly in the game out of fear that he would be pelted with spareribs and Jack Clark "IOU notes." You can claim it was all in good fun, but, in my mind, calling them "classy" is like calling Sascha Baron Cohen an introvert or claiming that the kids who are picked to be on MTV's The Real World are not promiscious. In other words, actions speak louder than words and booing speaks even louder. Note that I do not have a problem with the booing, it is the fact that Joe Buck kept telling everyone how great they are (did I mention how smarmy he is?) and would not shut up about it. Hopefully, once they get indoor plumbing, they will not be so crabby.

* Anyone as impressed as I am that Ben Zobrist did, in fact, face Heath Bell in the 8th inning? If Zobrist had gotten a bloop single, I would have had to go out and buy a lottery ticket.

* The NL's Charlie Manuel did seem to manage the game to win, but his decision to pinch hit Prince Fielder in the 2nd inning was idiotic and I commented on its stupidity when it happened. The second innning is when you waste Freddy Sanchez or Jayson Werth, not when you put up a guy who can hit the ball 500+ feet. As an NL fan, I sure wish Fielder was available to take his cuts against Rivera in the ninth, in a situation where one swing could tie the game.

* Instead, Miguel Tejada made the last out. Let me say one thing about Tejada, he has clearly been spending an awful lot of time with Jenny Craig. Either than or not spending quite as much time with Victor Conte. I'm betting on the latter and his precipitous drop in power numbers offers all the evidence I need. His weight loss makes Jared the Subway nerd look like he hasn't even tried (by the way, yes, it was the RT that originally commented on Tejada's falling power numbers way back in '06 -- long before he was ever mentioned by Palmeiro, Canseco or anyone else. You can look it up and then thank your lucky stars that you know me).

* Finally, in yesterday's post, I joked about the size of Ryan Howard's nose, commenting that there is likely a family of nine living in each nostril. I took a really good look at him last night and I am simply not ready to give it up. In fact, as I watched him imitate theleftfielder by striking out on a pitch that he could not have hit with a wiffle ball bat, I started to think of how lucky he must have been in high school. While the rest of the kids were sneaking their alcohol into the football game by wearing a Boda Bag under a bulky sweater or by trying to hide three bottles of Little Kings in their underwear, think of how easy it must have been for Ryan. Heck, he could have fit an entire pony keg up there. Cheers!

* Finally, finally... (and this is for those of you who have been fans of the RT for a long time, those of you who are big Illinois basketball fans and those of you who watched the NCAA tournament with me during the first few years of this decase). I want you to imagine Ryan Howard's nose, paired with Marcus Griffin's mouth, and Ryan Braun's eyes. Now, throw in Ryan Franklin's ridiculous chin hair. Really picture it. Hilarious!!!

How About A Donut Eating Contest Between Bobby Jenks and Prince Fielder?

Pay attention Cleveland Indians fans. Your postseason fate may very well be decided tonight.

Oh sure, it is a long shot. But let's just say that Kerry Wood moves back to the starting rotation and regains his 1998 form. And let's say that Albert Belle quits his job at the Shreveport Kindercare and returns to Jacobs Field. And let's also say that Bob Feller has some life left in his 90-year old arm (hey, it seems to be working for Jose Contreras) and Jake and Pedro and Ricky and the rest of the boys learn that the owner's real goal is to field a team that would be just bad enough to allow her to move the club to Miami. And finally, let's say that the team unloads the rights to both Joe Charboneau and the ghost of Lou Boudreau so that Superman, er... Mark DeRosa can make a glorious return to the Mistake by the Lake. Well, if all that were to happen, it is hard to argue that tonight is a very important night for Indians' fans.

After all, tonight is the Major League All-Star Game and, as you may have heard, this time it counts (of course, it counted last year and the year before that and the year before that, but, hey, baseball likes the slogan and who am I to argue?).

(By the way, the WNBA has still got next. Not sure what they have next, but they apparently have still got it. The right to play in front of 400 fans?)

The concept of awarding home field advantage to the league that wins the All-Star Game is a lot like reality television shows. A lot of people claim to absolutely hate the idea, without really being able to articulate a clear reason why. In many ways, it has become a lot like the movie Titanic after it won 2,749 Academy Awards in that it almost seems as though it has become vogue to bash it. I, however, I like the concept -- especially when one really considers the alternatives.

Let's start with the way home field advantage was decided before the famous 2002 tie game in Milwaukee. As you likely recall, the two leagues simply took turns. Joy. No doubt a nice concept if you are talking about second graders playing "Heads Up, Seven Up" (the single greatest classroom game ever) but not such a good idea if you are talking about the World Series.

And what are the other alternatives? Perhaps the most often cited alternative is a league's total interleague record, which, in theory, does make some sense. Of course, it was Homer Simpson who famously pointed out that, in theory, communism makes sense, but I do not see anyone clamoring for a daily ration of borscht, an occasional Stoli on the rocks, and cold nights spent listening to old Gorky Park records while hanging out with Sergei Federov (Anna Kournikova not included).

You see, the problem with using total interleague record is that, as a Cubs game, I do not want National League teams to win their interleague games. In fact, I want them to get their asses handed to them. I want the Royals to bring back George Brett, I want him to put as much pine tar on his bat as possible, and I want him to knock the living crap out of the Cardinals. I want U.L. Washington to stuff his toothpick up Rick Ankiel's ass (just go in through the pre-existing steroid hole). I want Colby Rasmus to get eaten by the Kauffman Stadium tarp machine. And I want Tony LaRussa to go drinking with Willie Wilson and end up on a drunken rampage that results in Albert Pujols getting run over by the bullpen car.

Look (I turned into Lou for a second there...), if the Cubs are ever going to win the World Series they are going to need every advantage they can muster, including home field. And I certainly do not want to have to cheer on their rivals for it to happen. I can see it now... "Yeah! The NL has home field advantage because they won the interleague series. What do you mean, Ryan Theriot is spending his entire October focusing on whether to buy a Harry Potter or a Doogie Howser costume for Halloween? Boy, am I happy that I stupidly celebrated the Cardinals three-game sweep of the Twins. Oh, I'm sure Chris Carpenter will enjoy opening the World Series at Busch."

Another option is best overall record, but, I am not sure how fair it is with unbalanced schedules. I can see it working, but is it really that better than the winner of the All-Star Game?

Now, the key admittedly is for Charlie Manuel and Joe Maddon to manage the game with the implications in mind and the fact that most All-Star managers are reluctant to do so is where the problem ulitmately lies. In other words, to hell with making sure that everyone gets in the game. Nobody wants to see home field advantage determined because Ben Zobrist hit a bloop single off Heath Bell. What we want to see is Albert Pujols versus Mariano Rivera with the game on the line. The managers need to play the game to win and if it means that Pujols and Derek Jeter play the whole game, well I would love to see it. If Adam Jones' mother or Andrew Bailey's dog's former owner is upset that they did not get into the game then so be it (in fact, I have to admit that, before a few days ago, I thought that Andrew Bailey was one of the Backstreet Boys).

Now, I am not going to claim that there are not better options that have obviously yet to be considered. For example, how about basing home field advantage on:

* The winner of the Seniors Triatholon, featuring a walker race around the bases, a tapioca pudding eating contest and a battle of who can last longer with Sophia Petrillo between 88 year old Tim Wakefield and 82 year old Trevor Hoffman.

* A tug-of-war between the nine children living in Ryan Howard's left nostril versus the nine illegitimate kids fathered during Josh Hamilton's six years living in a drug den.

* A Hora dancing, Neil Diamond "Name That Tune" and latke making contest between MsOT Jason Marquis and Kevin Youkilis.

* The ultimate battle to decide who was really the best player chosen in the 2001 draft between #1 pick Joe Mauer and #2 pick Mark Prior. What the hell do you mean Prior is working in a Southern California Del Taco rather than representing the Cubs in the game?**

Just for the record, my suggestion last year was that Ichiro and the Japanese Twister engage in a sushi rolling contest, and would make the same suggestion this year if only the citizens of Nagano and Hiroshima were not too busy laughing at the "new" General Motors to vote, leaving Kosuke to spend the All-Star break holed up in an Evanston hotel, hugging his lucky Hello Kitty and watching old episodes of Spectreman (undoubtedly the greatest television show when I was a kid. In fact, there could be no better day than playing "Heads Up, Seven Up" in class, rushing home in time to catch Jack Brickhouse call a game winning dinger by Steve Ontiveros, and finishing off the day by watching Spectreman kick the crap out of some fire-breathing giant lizard).

So, the bottom line is that I do not mind that the All-Star Game decides home field advantage in the World Series. There are certainly worse options and, in my opinion, it does add a needed intensity to the game. So, I enocurage you to fight that urge to turn on Big Brother 11 tonight. After all, Cleveland, you never know when both big brother (Sandy) and little brother (Roberto) are coming home. That is if Kenny Williams does not get there first.

* Please let me know what you think of the fact that the All-Star game determines home field advantage by commenting. Of course, I am also interested in other ways that home field can be decided (especially the creative ways...)

** Sports Trivia Question of the Day: What current All-Star was selected #5 by Texas in the "famous" 2001 draft?

Weekend at Wrigley

With 80 games remaining on the schedule it is hard to say that this weekend is crucial for the Cubs, but this weekend is crucial for the Cubs. Huh, I guess it was not so hard after all.

If nothing else, I believe the Cubs need to take a stand this weekend and enter the All-Star Break with momentum and confidence. Win three-of-four and, despite all of my bitchin' and moanin,' it is still possible -- even probable -- that the team will keep the attention of even the most casual fan well into September (if for no other reason than the Brewers, Cardinals, Reds and Astros are not good enough to run away with anything). Lose three-of-four, and your best bet for selling your September tickets is to unload them on mama Samardzija, Charlie Weis, Mike Golic, or some other fool who still believes that Notre Dame is an elite college football program. After all, I am sure that the Leprachaun or Digger Phelps will pay good money to see Jeff's first major league start. Of course, you may also be able to find that dude from Elmhurst who wasted his $100 on a Jason Dubois jersey, convinced that he was the next Andre Dawson. I'm sure he will be up for Jason's return to the major leagues.

Those who have followed the Random Thoughts since it's return eight weeks ago, know that I am of the opinion that this is going to go down as one of the most disappointing seasons in Cubs' history. And while I still believe that Cubs' fans will be spending October paying more attention to the start of the Carlos Boozer and Marian Hossa eras than watching the leftfielder strike out with the tying run on third from immediately behind a pole, I do recognize that the mediocrity in the NL Central prevents me from losing all hope. Yet, if the Cubs are going to turn around their season, it has to start this weekend. Split the series and I will not be able to help but think "Here we go again. This is like the Police Academy series of movies. Same shit, different day." Lose the series and the rest of the summer might as well be spent trying to locate Wendell Davis, seeing as how the Bears’ are planning on entering the ’09 season with a stud quarterback, but absolutely no receivers to throw to. Win the series, however, and, well, you just never know.

Let's take a quick look at the series that I believe has great potential to shape the remainder of the Cubs' season.

THE MUST WIN: Saturday (Lilly vs. Brad Thompson)

St. Louis starter Brad Thompson has given up at least four runs in each of his last four starts. In other words, he lets almost as many people score as Kelly Bundy. Cubs' starter Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, on the other hand, has given up four runs in only one of his last eight starts. That said, on paper, this matchup is Tyson versus Buster Douglas. Er, uh... it's Rulon Gardner versus Sergei Steroidov (yes, I know that is not his real name). Er, uh... it's Hickory versus South Bend Central, Danny Zucko versus Craterface at Thunder Road, Danny's Little Giants versus Kevin's Little Cowboys.* You know, perhaps those are not the best examples. Now watch, Ryan Ludwick adopt “The Icebox” as his new nickname and hit a pinch-hit three-run home run off Marmol to win the game Saturday afternoon.

THE LOOOOOOONG SHOT: Friday (Danny Jackson vs. Chris Carpenter)

Remember when Ralphie ran to his mailbox day-after-day, until his Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pen finally arrived. Remember how excited he was and how he honestly believed that he was going to learn the secret of the universe, only to be horribly disappointed when he was merely reminded to drink his Ovaltine (and poor Randy nearly crapped in his pants as a result). Well, I remember how I felt when the Cubs' acquired Jason Bere, er.... Rich Harden from the A's last summer. Frankly, I had not been that excited about a trade since the team landed Nomah from the Sawks at the '04 deadline. Yet, I am sure you agree that, like Nomah, Ismael Valdez, er... Harden has not exactly lived up to expectations since coming to the North Side. If Reuben Quevedo, er... Harden still has the stuff that made him one of the most dominant pitchers from 2005-2008, it is time to show it. Carpenter is injured more often than Jim Bullinger, er… Harden, but when he is healthy, he is as dominant as they come. On Tuesday, the Cubs could not hit Javier Vasquez who was unwanted on the South Side and, on Wednesday, had trouble hitting against the guy who used to run Iron Chef's Kitchen Stadium, so what can we expect them to do against a dominant pitcher like Carpenter? My guess is that Carpenter limits the Cubs to a Theriot bunt single in a complete game shutout.

THE "TWIN PEAKS" DOUBLEHEADER.... IN OTHER WORDS, WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? : Sunday (Wells vs. Adam Wainwright and Big Z versus Kyle Lohse)

I watched a couple of episodes of Twin Peaks back when it was on the air. Um…interesting show. I give it credit for being unpredictable, the problem is that even when it was over, I had no idea what the hell just happened. I have to imagine that there will be limited confusion about what happened when Sunday’s day/ night doubleheader is over, but, like Twin Peaks, I have absolutely no clue what is going to happen going in.

In the afternoon game, Randy Wells takes on Adam Wainright in a matchup of two pitchers that have been excellent in '09. Wainright has been almost inhittable in his last three starts giving up a combined three runs in more than 24 innings of work. Wells has been almost as good, giving up two or fewer runs in seven of his last eight starts. Yet, it is still extremely difficult to tell how good Wells is. I mean, isn't there a reason why he is finally breaking into the major league at the ripe ol' age of 26? I think you can be fairly certain that Wainright will pitch well, I am not sure if the same came be said of Wells and the advantage, therefore, goes to the Cardinals. A loss I can deal with…let’s just hope that nobody on the Cubs finds himself playing Dungeons and Dragons with an owl and a violin-playing unicorn.

In the night game, Big Z will take on Kyle Lohse, who will be coming off the disabled list to make his first start since June 3. This is Big Z's chance to prove that he is a clutch, big-time pitcher, especially depending on what happens in the first three games of the series. Of course, he is equally likely to punch Yadier Molina in the face and stuff Skip Shumaker in the Gatorade machine. Any way you look at it, Sunday night is likely to be a huge game and it will be interesting to see how Carlos responds. Lohse has long been a journeyman pitcher, meaning that if either team has an advantage in the nightcap, it has got to be the Cubs. My guess is that Big Z walks the bases loaded in every inning, but somehow only manages to give up two runs in a Cubs’ win. I’m also guessing that Shumaker actually ends up in the sunflower seeds bin.

So, if things go according to script, the series should finish 2-2. The bottom line is that this is the Cubs' chance to prove that they do have it in them and can win a game that they should otherwise not be expected to win. Of course, as with practically everything involving the Cubs, it should be interesting.

Now watch them sweep the series only to be swept in Washington following the All-Star break. Don’t worry Lovie, Keith Otego has got to be out there somewhere and, the last I had heard, Marty Booker has still not actually checked into the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Bring contracts.

* One person who the Cubs will not have to worry about this weekend is Mark DeRosa, who is on the disabled list with a strained wrist. Is this really possible? Mark DeRosa injured? Didn't someone remind Dave Duncan to leave the kryptonite in the hermetically sealed case? Is it possible that Albert Pujols is actually General Zod in disguise?

* The injury to DeRosa would normally be good news for city traffic as his absence means that there is no need for the motorcade to shut down any Chicago streets. That said, friends of the RT are still warned to be careful out there. After all, Tony LaRussa is in town and the bars can stay open quite late.

* Finally, I want to remind those of you who just cannot get enough of Brendan Ryan and Dennys Reyes had better head out to Wrigley this weekend or be forced to make the long drive down 55 to see your heroes play as, believe it or not, this will be the Cardinals' last visit to Chicago this year (unless, of course, there is yet another rain out or they make a team trip to see Todd Wellemeyer star in the Joliet Community Theatre production of “Beat that Hick With a Stick,” or help Rick Ankiel hand out “magic pills” to unsuspecting Orland Park youth). Yes, it is only July 10, but the Cardinals are only scheduled to make a total of two trips to Wrigley this year and this is the final one. In fact, given the mediocrity of the NL Central, one has to look at even the smallest factors in trying to figure out who is most likely to win, including the team schedules.

I understand that schedules are not balanced given that one plays different teams in interleague play and even different numbers of games against other teams in the same league, but I have to admit that I had no idea that teams play unbalanced schedules within their own division. Most notable for the Cubs is the fact that they play 31 games against the Cardinals and Brewers, but only 14 of them at Wrigley (6 of 15 vs. the Cards and 8 of 17 vs. Milwaukee). Not sure how fair this is and it could end up making a big difference, especially given that the Cubs’ have not exactly performed well on the road.

* Here is the bottom line… even though I continue to believe that the Cubs should feel free to schedule a tee times for the second week in October, this weekend is huge for the team. Going into the season, everyone thought this team was positioned for greatness. Now is the time to prove it.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

* Pop Culture Trivia Question of the Week: What was the name of the play that allowed Danny’s Little Giants to defeat Kevin’s Little Cowboys?

Welcome to Amity Island

Just when you thought it was safe to believe that maybe -- just maybe -- the team was going to go on a nice little run and finally play up to expectations.

Just when you thought that it is okay to once again mock our neighbors to the north for their belief in Jeff Suppan, their hero worship of Aaron Rodgers and Squiggy, and their dental hygiene that would make Steve Buscemi say "wow, now them's some bad teeth."

Just when you believed that Cardinals' pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was more likely to spend mid-October performing with the Recovering Alcoholic Jug Band and Big Shirtless Ron in episodes of "Ya-Hoo!" than representing the NL Central in the playoffs.

Just when you thought the joy had returned to Wrigley Field and it was safe to start using the troughs again...

The 2009 Chicago Cubs prove once again why believing in this team is like believing that Steve McNair was the wholesome, family man that he purported to be. If disappointment is your cup of tea, then be my guest.

I do not think I have to tell anyone that this week started with the utmost promise. Aramis, Angel Guzman and Reed Johnson were all back in the fold. Carlos Marmol appeared to have shaken the Juan Cruz gene and returned to form. Theodore Roosevelt Lilly was pitching like Steve Carlton and Randy Wells was pitching like Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. The team had just taken three of four from the Brewers and had crawled to within two games of first place. For the first time this year, I had little to complain about and, believe it or not, I was excited. Yes, I was excited.

And then the Braves came to town. Now, keep in mind that this is not the Hank Aaron and Warren Spahn Braves. This is not the David Justice and Tom Glavine Braves. Heck, this is not even the Mark Lemke, Otis Nixon, and Jane Fonda-wondering-how-many-workout-tapes-she-is-going-to-sell Braves. This is the 2009 Braves. The same Braves that had not won a series on the road since the daily news actually included a story that did not involve Michael Jackson (for the record, it was late May). Go ahead, lookup "mediocre-to-poor" in the big book of baseball... I think there is a picture of Casey Kotchmann, Yunel Escobar and Martin Prado right there. And, to make matters worse, the Cubs did not have to face Atlanta's star young pitcher Tommy Hanson and Chipper Jones came down with a case of Mikebrownitis and missed the last two games of the series.

This is what I get for allowing myself to get excited about this year's team, even if for only a moment. This is what I get for thinking that maybe my October would be spent watching Cubs' playoff baseball, instead of spent hoping that Gilligan would finally get the hell off the island or at least solve the age-old riddle of Ginger or Mary Ann. This is what I get for belieiving that Hasbro Suckstein would turn into Kenner Awesomeberg, Big Z would win 20, and Jake Fox would turn into a modern-day Roy Hobbs.

Like I said, just when you thought it was safe to believe that 101 years is enough ... At least I can be fairly certain that I will not get eaten by a shark. Although those troughs do look awfully scary.

Random Thoughts about the last couple of games and developments...

As many of you know, I will no longer refer to the leftfielder by name. Simply stated, I have had enough. I just do not like him and never have, regardless of what he does. I do not like him when he hits homeruns with the score 8-1 and I do not like him when he strikes out in a clutch situation. I do not like him when he does that stupid hop and I do not like him when he does that equally stupid homerun celebratation where he slaps himself in the head. I do not like him when he swings at a curveball in the dirt or when he swings at a slider in the dirt or when he swings at a forkball in the dirt...

...or when he swings at a palmball, spitball or an Eephus pitch in the dirt.

I do not like him here or there. I do not like him anywhere. Dan I am.

In talking about the left fielder during Tuesday night's game, Bob Brenly lamented that the fans will never be happy with where he bats in the lineup, noting that they will complain when he fails to come through in the leadoff spot, but will also complain when he fails to come through with runners on base in the middle of the order. Brenly (who I like), concluded, "So what it Lou supposed to do?"

Oh, I don't know... how about asking him to guard the Gatorade Machine and Kosuke's lucky Hello Kitty doll and then leaving him there. Forever. Wednesday's game was a start. Let's hope it is a trend.

* And, while he is at it, he may want to look under the benches and in the bat rack for his missing power stroke. Better check's Moises' old piss bucket while he is at it.

* Nice to see David Patton come down with James Edwards disease. Or is it the Joe Kleine flu? The Robert Parish Affliction? Mad Bull Disease?

* I understand that if the Cubs try and send Patton to Iowa, they run the risk of the Rockies (Patton's former team) reclaiming him for $25,000. Frankly, after watching Patton pitch this year and the fact that he is less likely to pitch a scoreless inning than Megan Fox is to be an upcoming contestant on "The Biggest Loser," I fail to see the risk. Frankly, my guess is that the Rockies would see $25,000 worth of rocky mountain oysters, John Denver records and Jason Marquis autographed menorahs as a better investment. In other words, I do not think he would go anywhere and, if he did, wouldn't that be a good thing?

* The Japanese Twister has actually performed admirably since being moved to the leadoff spot. He still drives me nuts when he spins around, though. My question is, where is he going? When he swings and misses, I cannot help but wonder if someone left an eggroll in the first-base on-deck circle.

* If you think Ryan Dempster's toe will be healed in only four weeks, you probably also believed that Mark Prior had only had a small set back and will be back on the hill in ten days. Couldn't he have dropped an anvil on it or suffered the injury in a wrestling match with a tiger? Injured while celebrating and trying to jump out of the dugout? That is so Cubs. The next thing we are going to learn is that Soto's sudden oblique strain happened while he was enjoying the High School Musical Dance-Along.

* Kevin Hart may have only given up one run in five innings, but he did walk five batters, including the pitcher with two-on and two-outs. In other words, I have no idea where Kevin Tapani is these days or whether Mark Clark is out of detox yet, but, I can tell you that Kevin Hart is not the answer.

* In fact, you may also wish to check with Mike Morgan at the Pep Boys on Halsted if either Tapani or Clark is not willing to answer the call. After all, Rich Harden has somehow turned into a right-handed Gopherball Glendon. By the way, what is it with ex-A's superstar pitchers? Tim Hudson's arm makes Dave Dravecky's look healthy and, last I heard, Mark Mulder was spending all his time looking for aliens with Scully (of, you mean, that was Fox Mulder?). Note to Jim Hendry... if Billy Beane calls, ignore him.

Have a great night!!!

***By the way, for those of you confused by yesterday's "Spaghetti Jimmy" reference, don't you people watch television? Turn off the WE and Climaxx and watch a little network. You'll know who he is in no time. And you sure as hell will not have any desire to get a Capital One Credit Card.

Keep Me Out of the Wheelbarrow, Please

No, Monty Python, I am not dead yet. No need to drag me off to who knows where...

I am, however, BURIED at work and, therefore, unable to post anything new. In fact, I cannot promise that there will be any new Random Thoughts this week. That said, I certainly appreciate your continuing to check and I hope to be back soon. Could be tomorrow, could be next week...

I will leave you with this...

* I'm done witht he leftfielder and will no longer say his name. He will, henceforth, be known as the leftfielder.

* If the spaghetti Jimmy picture is the best that woman can do, I feel really sorry for her. Hye lady, nobody thinks its cute In fact, we all think you are an idiot. Next time keep the picture that comes with the frame and use that. Your kid looks like a fool.

Sorry...

Made Marian

First and foremost, I would like to wish thewife a very happy anniversary. Just think about it... nine years of listening to me complain about LaTroy Hawkins' blown saves, Eric Daze's bruised fallopian tubes and Rex the Wonder Dog's apparent color blindness (why else did he continue throwing the ball to the guys in the green and gold and purple and white jerseys?). Nine years of being forced to watch Thing One and Thing Two impersonate major league ballplayers in the summer, sitting by my side as Eddy Curry proved that he cannot jump higher than Captain Dan after he got back from Vietnam in the winter, and being forced to watch Zack, Slater, Kelly and the gang every time a game is not on. Nine years of Mike Davis and Kelvin Sampson. Kid Corey and Felix Pee-Ay. Curtis Enis and Cedric Benson. Nine years of dealing with me. Happy Anniversary Honey!!

(Hey, if that cannot get you to comment on an RT post, I suppose nothing will!!)

One quick story about Patty and sports that some of you have probably heard before that illustrates her understanding of what can be termed my sports obsession. A couple of years ago, theson's birthday happened to fall on the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing at U.S. Comiskular. Knowing full well that we were about to have 14 members of the "Greg Luzinski for President Club" over to celebrate, she went out the day before the party to buy him his first Cubs' hat so he could wear it with pride. She did this even though she knew that she may catch all kinds of crap from her South Side family. I think that says it all.

So like I said, Happy Anniversary!!!!

* Anyway, I have to admit that I was absolutely shocked when I heard that the Blackhawks had signed Marian Hossa to a 12-year contract and now that I have had almost a day to digest the news, I am not sure what to think. Please do not get me wrong, I think it is a fantastic signing as far as 2009-10 is concerned. My concern is the total money that the Hawks' committed to a guy who is 30 years old, especially given the players that will be up for a new contract in the next couple of years.

Let me try and draw an analogy. Let's say it is 1997 again, Sammy Sosa is still popping Flintstone Vitamins, President Clinton is still not having sexual relations with that woman, and Random Thoughts Hottie #2 is a fresh-faced star of 7th Heaven. You have a fine collection of little bean bag animals including a Baldy the Eagle, a Chipper the Chipmunk, and a China the Panda. Suddenly, you have a chance to buy a beautiful purple Princess the Bear for the measly sum of $350. Oh sure, when you display it in the neat little box, you will be the envy of all your friends, but you know that spending that much money will not allow you to purchase a Jamal the Stupid Shot Shooting Bull or a Moises the Crappy Baserunning Cubby Bear when they come out in the next couple of years. So, what do you do? Do you spend the $350 if it means that you may not have enough money when something else comes along that you are really going to want?

This is where my concern with the Hossa signing lies. Unless the team is able to move either Huet or Campbell, I question what management is going to be able to do now that they have already committed almost $36 million of their 2010-11 salary cap, yet still have to negotiate new contracts with Kane, Toews, Ladd, Keith and Hjalmarsson. And that figure does not include the money that will inevitably be given to Barker and Versteeg who are restricted free agents this off-season. Things can then get even dicier the next year when Seabrook and Byfuglien will be up for new deals. Now, nobody currently knows the exact salary cap figure that will be in place, but some so-called experts have predicted that it could actually drop from its current level of about $57 million.

I suppose it comes down to philosphy and whether the team wants to spend the vast the majority of it's money on a relatively small number of players and fill in the remaining holes with the Ulf Dahlens and Steve Dubinskys of the world or whether they wish to put forth a lineup that includes more consistency across lines, but not as many superstars. The Hawks have clearly made their choice and, frankly, I do not know what side I fall on.

I do think that Hossa is a better option that Havlat, however. Yes, Havlat is two years younger, but Hossa is not half as likely to suffer from the measles or a sprained ear bone. Both are essentially point-per-game players, but Hossa has played at least 72 games in nine consecutive seasons while Havlat has played in that many just three times in his career. Hossa is simply more dependable and, therefore, the better choice.

So what it the bottom line? The bottom line is that overall I am pleased with the signing and think it makes a team that was already going to be excellent even better in 2009-10. It is the future I cannot help but worry about. Can the Hawks make it work with the guaranteed money owed Hossa, Campbell, Huet and others, while making sure there is enough money for the cornerstones that will need to be compensated in the next couple of years? Dale Tallon and his team showed intelligence in making it a 12-year contract (despite my feeling that they do not expect him to play more than 7-8 years) in order to spread the salary cap hit as broadly as possible, so I guess we just have to hope they have a plan. In any event, it is nice to be able talk about a Hawks' signing that does not necesitate use of the words "overrated," "decrepit" or "Medicare" and it sure if nice to care again. Doot doo doo doo indeed.

(Be sure to vote in the new poll regarding your thoughts on the signing...)

* By the way, the signing of Hossa completely overshadowed the signing of center Tomas Kopecky. Kopecky was a member of the Red Wings last year, but is likely someone that the casual hockey fan has never heard of given that he never laced up the skates in the playoffs. So why sign him? Well, this is a classic case of the "if you want me, you better take my buddy" dynamic. Remember when the Bulls were essentially required to pay Jack Haley an NBA salary for sitting on the end of the bench in street clothes because he was good at laundering Dennis Rodman's wedding dress? You know how if you wanted to invite Mike Seaver to your party, you had to invite Boner as well? Did it ever seem like Screech ever left Zack's side? Well, it turns out that Kopecky and Hossa are BFF and signing Kopecky may have helped the Hawks' land the Slovakian superstar. Kind of like having to buy a Camilla the Snake if you want to buy the Princess Bear. Let's hope they are not trying to unload Hossa and Kopecky on EBay for $3 in three years...

* Just so you know, Matt Walker, Sami Pahlsson and Nikolai Khabibulin have all moved on from the west side, signing with other teams. Que Sera Sera.

**If you are interested in seeing how the Hawks salary cap shakes out for the next couple of years, there is an excellent site that breaks it all down. Check out http://www.hockeybuzz.com/cap-central/team.php?team=CHI.

He Must Be Shocked When Marmol or Heilman Walk a Batter

Thanks to a Barenaked Ladies show at the Taste of Chicago and good times with Random Thoughts readers Bearister and WBWife (as well as hopefully soon-to-be RT reader Tom), I missed most of last night's Cubs game. And, oh boy, would I have loved to see the Pirates' first run, which apparently scored when Freddy Sanchez took advantage of a Ted Lilly wild pitch, a lazy retrieval of the ball by Geo Soto, and Lilly's imitation of Brant Brown, to score from second. Let me repeat that... to score from second.

Oh yeah, I also missed seeing some dude from Princeton who I had never heard of before limit the Cubs to four hits in seven innnings. I watched lowlights of the game and, frankly, I have not seen that many swings and misses since Kramer took a bucketful of Titlelists to Rocky Point.

Bearister and I did get to hear the top of the 8th inning, however, and, therefore, got to hear Ron Santo exclaim "I cannot believe this! I just cannot believe it!" The question that immediately when through my mind was "What in the heck just happened in the booth or on the field?"

Was there a Pops Stargell sighting at PNC and does he now weigh 650 pounds? Did the Pirate Parrot mistake a small child for a cracker? Did Beaver Falls, PA's own Mr. Belvedere finally have enough of Wesley's crap and kick the snot out of him? Was Mr. Rogers supplementing his income by helping Zack and Miri with their new film career? (All set in Pittsburgh, people).

Oh no, Alfonso Soriano had just struck out with runners on second and third and no outs in a 3-0 game. And Santo is surprised?

Look Ron, I know you cannot seem to remember what happened from batter to batter and I know that it is, therefore, unfair to expect you to remember that trusting Soriano in a clutch situation these days is about as risky as eating Apu's marked down sandwich meat at the Kwik-E-Mart, but c'mon. You are really surprised? What, don't you read Dan's Random Sports Thoughts? Can't you at least have Judd Sirott read it to you? Heck, he isn't good for anything else (I never cared for Andy Mazur or Corey Provus, but I have got to say that Sirott may be the worst play-by-play guy in history. Imagine that guy calling a game with Chris Singleton. Now take the skewers out of your eyes. It will be alright).

The bottom line is that certain events in sports and life demand a "I cannot believe it" or a similar exclamation. When the USA Hockey team shocked the Soviets in the '80 Olympics, Al Michaels call of "Do you believe in miracles?" was appropo (by the way, what you could not hear is Al asking the Eastern Airlines stewardess to use a little less teeth). When Jack Buck noted "I don't believe what I just saw!" as a gimpy Kirk Gibson circled the bases in the '88 World Series it was fitting. And if you ever go for a nice, peaceful walk around the block and see a Zucchini Monster run down the street and enter a house made of donuts, you should feel free to yell "I don't believe it!"

But a Soriano strikeout in a clutch situation? This is not cause for calling John Davidson, Fran Tarkenton, Cathy Lee Crosby and an old ABC film crew. Dean Cain is not going to interrupt his report on Zalawian shrunken heads or the woman in Burundi who was born with the head of an Octopus to talk about Fonzie's latest pathetic at-bat. Perhaps just a "How much longer are we going to pay this guy to suck?" is most appropriate.

* By the way, the Cubs marketing staff wants you to know that you only have two days left to vote for Soriano as the National League's starting all-star left-fielder. At first glance, I could not stop laughing, but the more I thought about it and the implications, the more I voted. After all, should the Cardinals or Brewers (or dare I say it, the Reds or Astros -- who are now in front of the Cubs in the standings if you have not noticed) catch fire and make the World Series, I am going to certainly want the American League to have home field advantage and having Soriano strike out in the all-star game offers a promising start.

* Finally, after BNL had completed their main set last night, I heard echoes of "Encore! Encore!" Well, I have to imagine that it was RT fans clamoring for more Joanna Krupa and I am all too happy to oblige. And anyone who wants to point out that she makes Brenda Walsh seem like a kind person and swears more often than Lee Elia when talking about Cubs' fans, I remind you that there is no reason to discuss what should happen with Michael Jackson's kids with her. In fact, I'm kinda hoping that she is a little too busy for that.

One Crappy Weekend

Hmmm...where do I start after the pile of crap that was last weekend? I suppose I should start with the game that angered me the most, which, ironically, was the only game the Cubs won in their series against the White Sox. You see, I seriously thought I was headed for a "Teddy KGB when he realized that Mike had figured out that Oreos were his tell" moment as I drove home from work last Friday, listening to Pat and Ron call the 8th and 9th innings. And, while I was happy that the Cubs won, the performance of the team in the late innnings is precisely why this team has about as much chance of winning the World Series as Bernie Madoff has of being asked to teach an ethics course at the Harvard School of Business.

What was your favorite part of the last two innings, Cubs fans? Was it Thome's line drive that Derrek Lee lost in the sun? Was it the leadoff walk to Gordon Beckham? The subsequent walk to Alexei Ramirez? Perhaps Jermaine's high fly ball that dropped for a hit after Soriano and Andres Blanco ran into each other as if they were starring in a Three Stooges remake? Was it Kevin Gregg's two-out, ninth-inning walk to a guy hitting .233- -a walk which undoubtedly ensured that those Cubs fans who actually survived the 8th without having to grab a defibulator would also need a visit to Dr. John Carter (Yes, I know that it was the 3-2-3 double play that Sean Marshall induced A.J. Pierzynski to grounded into perserving the win. Let me have my sarcasm, please).

You see, even though I am thrilled that the Cubs won, I have to admit that it may actually have been better if they had lost the game. While the team escaped with a win, what happened in the late innings simply cannot be ignored. Yet, in my opinion it largely has been. It was BAD baseball, the kind that the team plays on essentially a daily basis, the type that already has me counting the days until Patrick Kane and his teammates lace up the skates, and the type that makes me angrier than Joanna Krupa after spending a couple of days with Terrell Owens.

(Yes, I know the Bears start before the Blackhawks. Show me a receiver who will not make me long for Brian Baschnagel and Kenny Margerum and maybe I will join you in drinking the orange and blue kool-aid).

* Of course, the media had bigger fish to fry following the game, given Lou and Hasbro Suckstein's "conversation." I simply do not know what to say about Hasbro anymore. It suppose that then-Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green said it best at least when it comes to his behavior and disruptive tendencies... Hasbro is who we thought he was.

It really is as simple as this... if you buy a Red Rider Carbon Action 200-Shot Model Air Rifle and your son shoots his eye out, you should not be surprised. If you pay Mike Tyson to entertain at your child's birthday party, you have to assume that one of the kids is going to go home without his left ear. And, if you sign a guy who has had more incidents than all-star appearances, eventually there is going to be trouble. Of course, from a on-field perspective, you probably would have thought that he would have more RBI than Juan Pierre and Stephen Hawking Hairston, which he does not. Heck, he has fewer RBI and the same number of home runs as Khalil Greene who has spent considerable time on the DL thanks to the fact that apparently makes Alton Benes seem like a social extrovert.

* Even after Marmol's adventure on Friday, there he was again on Saturday, taking his 1.67 WHIP (walks and hits per innnings pitched) to the mound in the bottom of the 8th. And, wait...are you sitting down... there he was giving up another lead. Now despite the fact that prior to an admittedly well-pitched inning last night versus the Pirates, Marmol had given up 20 walks in his last 13 innings and I, therefore, want to see him enter a game about as much as I want to clean a Taste of Chicago porta-potty with my tongue, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that Lou really does not have much of a choice. Smack dab in the middle of my Teddy KGB impersonation on Friday, I screamed "Why does he keep bringing him in?!?" Well, RT reader and occasional commenter AllInOnTheFirstHand, just happened to be the unfortunate soul with whom I was on the phone when I lost my mind and hit the nail on the head when he asked "Who in the heck else are they going to put in?"

Consider the options... Aaron Heilman and his 1.62 WHIP? Jose Ascanio and his 1.76? Wade Miller and his 86 home runs given up in eleven games as a member of the Scranton Paper Kings Semi-Pro team? Joe Borowski and his 72,000 Quarter Pounders With Cheese made in the last six months? Roberto Novoa? The sad truth is that Marmol is the best he can throw out there. Let's hope his inning of walkess and hitless relief last night is a sign of better things to come.

* What has become evident is that, while the Cubs certainly miss and need Aramis, with Jake Fox continuing to hit, right now they may need Angel Guzman even more. That said, I, for one, am wondering whether Ramirez can throw a slider. Perhaps Fox has a knuckler that nobody has mentioned.

* My favorite moment of Saturday's game had to be Scott Podsednik's "discussion" with the second base umpire after being called out for oversliding second base. Pods was incredulous that the umpire actually had the gall to call him out, continuously asking "Are you really going to call that?" The ump's reaction was perfect, saying "That's why I am out here," and "What do you think I am going to do, ignore it?"

Um...how long has Pods been in the major leagues? Look Scotty, maybe Mrs. Podsednik looks the other way when you wash her panties in warm water instead of cold and violate other house rules, but the ump has a job and he needs to do it. If you missed it, it truly was a priceless exchange.

* Now, I trust that nobody who reads the Random Thoughts is going to buy me a ticket to San Pedro de Macoris so I can visit the childhood home of Alfonso Soriano for my birthday, unless thet want to receive a donation to the Human Fund in return. The bottom line is that I like Soriano only slightly more than Hawk Harrelson and Adam Morrison.

And on Sunday, I was reminded of why. Soriano led off the game with a sharp line drive that did not quite split the left and center fielders, but that made it all the way to the warning track. Soriano lollygagged his way to first base and, as result, was held to a single. An inning and one-half later, Paul Konerko hit a ball in the exact same spot, but hustled all the way and, as a result, ended up with a double. Now, remember that Konerko once lost a footrace to Roseanne Barr and she was carrying John Goodman on her back at the time. So let's see here... Soriano can't hit for power anymore, whiffs at pitches that are so bad that even Stevie Wonder would not take a swing, plays left field about as well as Bobby Brady played the drums, and can't even bother to play hard. Nice.

* If you missed Sunday's game, all you really have to know is that Ryan Freel was the Cubs WGN Player of the Game, celebrating his bloop single, his drawing of a walk, and the fact that he "brushed off" getting hit in the shoulder by a John Danks' retaliation pitch. Freel's "honor" reminds me of possibly the worst game the Indiana Hoosiers played during my four years in Bloomington when they lost at Minnesota by fifty points. The player of the game was Pat Knight who was given the designation in appreciation of his six points, four rebounds, and seven father/ coach inflicted bruises.

Naming Freel as the player of the game is like being named the best juggler in a room full of one-armed clowns.

Have a great day!!

**Sports Trivia Question of the Day: Great question on Fox's Saturday broadcast of the Cubs-Sox. What opposing player has hit the most home runs at U.S. Comiskular?

What About Kyle Taber?

I'm not sure how to react to the news that Geovany Soto was apparently hanging with Wooderson and Slater from Dazed and Confused while playing for Puerto Rico in the World Baseball Classic. On one hand, I am disappointed that he made such a poor decision with the season only a month or so away, while, on the other hand, I suppose it was possible that it was just his way of dealing with the reality that he was facing a season of catching Kevin Gregg, David Patton and Neal Cotts. Sometimes it's easier to just not think about it and pillaging Ricky Williams' stash is one was to get there.

Glad to see that he will not be punished by either Major League Baseball or the Cubs. Of course, he has received a two-year ban on participating in international competition which kills his dream of winning Fox's new global reality show "Who Wants to Groom My Facial Hair?"

Oh well, at least the freakish weight gain can now be explained. All this time, I thought he was hanging out with Cartman and Comic Book Guy at Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, while it turns out that it was nothing more than uncontrollable munchies. Let's hope Chef saved him some Chocolate Salty Balls and Homer did not eat all the America Balls.* Ultimately, I do not think this is a big deal.

* In fact, it makes him a perfect candidate to one day play in the NBA. Speaking of the NBA, how about some quick thoughts on what may turn out to be one of the worst drafts in history? Ought to be fun to look back at this a couple of years from now and see whether I am as smart as I pretend to be...

1. Blake Griffin: I guess someone had to go #1. Griffin is a nice player, but is likely closer to Pervis Ellison than he is to Dwight Howard. He will be a decent NBA player, but not a superstar. In this draft, Griffin is essentially the equivalent of the fastest runner in Ron Santo's rehabilitation group.

2. Hasheem Thabeet: Great pick if you are a fan of DeSagna Diop. At least the Big and Tall stores in Memphis can expect business to pick up. He is also guaranteed to be the best Hasheem in the history of the league even if he plays like Granville Waiters.

3. James Harden: Best beard and bow tie in the draft. Can score, but can also completely disappear more quickly than Jake and Elwood when they see a blue and white (as he did in the NCAA Tournament). Should be a nice piece on an up-and-coming OKC team. Let's hope his last name is not a sign that a bad shaving injury is in his future.

4. Tyreke Evans: Perhaps the best talent in the draft. The cows in Sacramento are going to love watching him play. So are the farm animals. Hey, I've been to Sacramento... and before Bertha and Bessie file suit, I'll remind them that truth is an absolute defense.

5. Ricky Rubio: From what I understand, Rubio is going to be an excellent NBA player, although it will not be easy to go from a beach town in southern Spain to Minnesota. Brenda Walsh never really made the adjustment and she went the other way, moving from the bitter cold to nice, warm weather. Let's hope Ricky fares better than Brenda and does not end up sleeping with the resident bad boy. If nothing else, the T-Wolves will be in a fantastic position to win the NBA's Paella Cooking contest.

6. Jonny Flynn: Flynn proved in the Big East tournament that he can go all night. Ought to please the groupies. Too short to make much of an impact on the court though (I'm talking his height, gutter brain).

7. Stephen Curry: Curry has received more hype over the last two years than Dancing With the Stars. He is good, he is just not that good. At least at 6'3 - 185, he is probably a better rebounder than namesake Eddy. He will be nothing more than a role player with the Warriors.

8. Jordan Hill: Am I crazy or was she the main character in Gossip Girl? One Tree Hill? Some other stupid show on the WB? Does anyone else feel badly for the frog? That has got to be the worst mascot gig since Ribbie was suffering daily beatings at the hands of Rhubarb.

9. DeMar DeRozan: De-welcome to De-Toronto DeMar. Going from USC to Canada has got to be tough. DeRozan has talent, but I question how he is going to deal with the pay cut. Maybe Tim Floyd can get a job as an assistant coach.

10. Brandon Jennings: Ciao! My advice is for Jennings to get to Milwaukee as quickly as possible. Summerfest is great. In fact, comparing Summerfest with the Taste of Chicago is like comparing the World Series with what will be a meaningless Cubs' game this September.

11. Terrence Williams: Going to be an excellent player in the NBA. If the Nets really felt the need to trade Vince Carter, they got a potential replacement.

12. Gerald Henderson: Michael Jordan drafted a guy from Duke? Isn't this like the Montagues inviting Tybalt over for tea and crumpets? Kwame Brown and Henrik Rodl must not have been available. I actually believe Henderson is going to be a good player on the next level. You know, just like all those other former Duke superstars... Trajan Langd... uh, and Jason Willa... um, and, uh, never mind.

13. Tyler Hansbrough: 6'8 white guys usually have long careers in the NBA. There is Henry Cantshoot who served 14 years as the guy who collected sweaty towels for the Heat. And there is Billy Annoystheshitoutofeveryone who passed out the post-game joints.

14. Earl Clark: Another big-time talent from Pitino's stable of "students." The problem is that while Araon Heilman is not Nuke LaLoosh, Earl Clark very well may be with million dollar talent, a ten-cent head and moldy shower shoes.

15. Austin Daye: Is anyone else wondering who would win a cage match between Daye, Alexei Ramirez and Calista Flockhart? Add all three together and I doubt they weigh as much as Geo Soto. Daye may have been successful when he was playing against Pepperdine, but this is the NBA. Better get him some of Cartman's Weight Gain 4000. Beefcake!! Beefcake!!!!!

16. James Johnson: I really like the Bulls' first pick. Very versatile and does many things well. Also one of nine children and a mixed martial arts black belt, which means that he knows how to behave in a group and can kick the snot out of Joakim Noah when he mouths off. He is also from Montana, which is promising should the Bulls' ever feel the need to blow up LeBron's house.

Reason #58 Why Sports Televsion is Only Slightly Better Than Sports Radio: ESPN's breakdown of Johnson noted that he needs to be more physical. While the graphic was being displayed, Mr Boo-Yah was commenting on how Johnson is such an incredibly physical player. Can someone explain this? Do you think they meant "physical" in the Olivia Newton John way?

17. Jrue Holliday: Jrue? Really? Is that a joke or is he the son of Javid and Jebbie?

18. Ty Lawson: A winner. Will have a nice career in Denver backing up Chauncey Billups, paying Kenyon Martin's bail and laughing at Carmelo when he insists that he is as good as Kobe.

19. Jeff Teague: Did not follow older brother David to Purdue, which at least shows that he is more intelligent than Glenn Robinson. Of course, that is like saying that someone is more a better speller than Jrue Holliday's parents.

20. Eric Maynor: Seann William Scott was hilarious in American Pie and has capitalized on his singular performance to become quite rich. Eric Maynor made one shot to beat Duke in the NCAA Tournament. Enjoy the paycheck and don't forget that Stockton and Hornacek left their porn magazines in the panels above locker #69. Do you have any clue what the punishment for getting caught with that stuff in Salt Lake City is? You have to drink whatever is in the cup that Kevin left on the nightstand.

21. Darren Collison: Another point guard drafted? No way!!! Collison is a modern day Tyus Edney, who enjoyed four unproductive seasons in the league. At least he gets to hang out at Cafe du Monde and Tipatina's.

22. Victor Claver: At this time yesterday, I had never heard of Olivia Munn or Victor Claver. Thanks to Bearister and the Trail Blazers, I have now heard of both. I would have drafted Munn.

23. Omri Casspi: A genuine, real-life Member of the Tribe. Simchat Torah is going to be some fun in the Kings' locker room. Photos of Sandy Koufax, Neil Diamond music. Good times. Bad basketball.

24. B.J. Mullens: Mullens is an interesting story, having grown up going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter. If it does not work out in Oklahoma City, he can always take up residence in the ruins of the Murrah Federal Building. I'm cheering for the kid and hoping that his name is never used in the same sentence as Brad Sellers.

25. Rodrigue Beaubois: Gesundheit. Here is a kleenex.

26. Taj Gibson: Hmmm...not so sure about the Bulls' second pick, especially since he his game has been compared to Tyrus Thomas. Interesting that he left USC after his junior year, yet is 74 years old. He also lists Jamal Tinsley among his favorite NBA players. Jamal Tinsley? Did the Bulls just draft the next Michael Ruffin? Not a terrible pick, but I would have rather had Dejuan Blair and his gimpy knees.

By the way, ESPN's breakdown of Tyrus Thomas, er... Taj Gibson notes that he needs to improve his shooting in traffic. Good to know if the Bulls ever play their games on the Kennedy or if he ever finds himself getting chased by Victor Drazen and his goons.

27. Demare Carroll: Mr. Boo-Yah tells us that he has a liver problem, but will not need a transplant for 20 years. I just hope his boss at Burger King lets him have time off. Dee Brown can be a hardass you know.

28. Wayne Ellington: Am I crazy or is this the third guard Minnesota has taken? I sorry did they move to the 6'5 and under league?

29. Toney Douglas: Good late-round value for the Knicks who picked up Douglas in a trade. (Can you tell I am out of steam?)

30. Christian Eyenga: Whatever.

* I suppose you all want a prediction of this weekend's crappy North Side team versus crappy South Side team series. Okay, how about Chicago loses, Chicago loses, Chicago loses.

Have a great weekend!

***Pop Culture Trivia Question of the Day: What are America Balls made out of? C'mon someone has got to know this!!!

Grrrrrrr.....

First and foremost, let me warn you that this post has been rated 'R' by the Angry Sports Bloggers Association of America. In other words, no children under the age of 17 should read this post without parental supervision. Thank you.

I actually had 85% of a post written on a completely different topic. But after watching last night's Cubs' game, I am angry. Very, very angry. As angry as a governor who got caught sneaking off to Buenos Aires to visit some Eva Peron wannabe. Nah, more like as angry as a governor's wife who found out that her husband was sneaking off to Buenos Aires to imitate scenes from a cheap Skin-a-Max movie with some Eva Peron wannabe. Nah, more like as angry as Cartman when Kyle did not buy him a red Megaman for his birthday. Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants!!! Yes, that angry. Party off.

You see, for those of you too depressed by the news of Jon and Kate's pending divorce to pay attention to anything other than whether Bravo is going to fill the big empty hole in their lineup with the Real Housewives of Billings or the Real Housewives of Lubbock ("That Bob Knight guy sure be sexy!"), the Cubs played one of the most frustrating and maddening games I have seen in a long time last night.

And so I am going to write this post and simply let it go. There will be no edits. There will be no carefully chosen words. There will probably be no clever references to Punky Brewster or Shaq-Fu: Da Return. What there will be is anger and probably some language that would make Eddie Murphy blush. That's the Delirious-Raw Eddie Murphy and not the "Look At Me, I'm a Cute, Funny Donkey" Eddie Murphy.

(Upon further review, thewife and South Park Guidance Counselor Mr. Mackey have convinced me to post a more kid-friendly version for those who do not appreciate bad language. So, if you are one of those people, please turn off the Kenny G record and read your version of this post available HERE).

(And, I do not want to hear about how it is only a game or about how I am going to have a heart attack because I get too stressed and take it too seriously. Please keep it to yourself).

Here is the bottom line... if I am Lou or Jim Hendry or Yosh Kowano or pretty much anyone associated with Cubs' management, I am walking into the clubhouse after last night's game and asking Derrek Lee and Ted Lilly to please step into the training room to enjoy a nice, cold Amstel Light. And then, once Derrek and Ted are out of ear shot, I am turning to the rest of the team and asking, "What in the fuck is wrong with you people? No really, what in the hell is a matter with you fucking guys?"

I'm turning to Geovany Soto and saying, "Oh nice home run Geo. Goody for you. Perhaps one of these days your batting average will catch up to your weight. And maybe, just maybe, you can actually...oh, I don't know... how about make contact with the bases loaded and nobody out? But at least you are playing good defense. I'm sure it was your mitt's fault when you dropped that ball, right Brant Brown? Did you ever see the movie "The Wall," Geo? Do you recall the scene where the main character 'Pink Floyd' shaves off his eyebrows? Keep playing like this and see what happens..."

And then I am turning to Harden... "What the hell are you snickering at jackass? How about trying to throw the damn ball over the plate and having it not travel 550 feet? Crap, you have given up so many home runs this year, I am starting to think that Gopherball Glendon Rusch is back on the payroll. How is it that you have not injured your neck watching opposing batters run around the bases? What's that? I am hurting your feeling? Well, why don't you go join Prior in the Junior League? I'm sure you will look real pretty in a frilly skirt and apron, wuss."

"Maybe you can borrow Heilman's handbag for the special daisy pickin' festival. Yeah, Aaron, it's your turn. Heck, the only guy in this room that walks more batters than Harden is you and maybe Marmol. Did you ever see that scene in 'Bull Durham' when Crash Davis tells Nuke LaLoosh that he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat? Well, guess what Aaron. You are Nuke LaLoosh, only you do not have a million dollar arm and I doubt that Annie Savoy would touch you. Maybe you can get that mentally handicapped girl that hangs around and always begs the batboy for his autograph thinking he is on the team to read you some poetry. We gave up Ronny Cedeno to get you? Shit, he's hitting like .120 and yet, I am regretting the move."

"I'm sick and tired of hearing about how the World Baseball Classic set you back Marmol. It is time to start pitching the way you are capable of our you can catch the first raft back to the Dominican Republic. In fact, walk in one more run and I'm shipping your ass back to Santo Domingo. I hear Sammy Sosa needs someone to stick steroid needles in his ass."

"Yeah Big Z... you have pitched well since smashing the shit out of the Gatorade Machine. Try not walking the leadoff hitter in a one-run game. There is a reason you are not considered on the same level as Tim Lincecum and Chris Carpenter. They are dependable. You are not"

"Yeah, I get it Jake. You suck at defense. Well, you know where they do not care if you play defense? In the Elgin Schlitz Softball League. Good luck there. Perhaps you and Soriano can play on the same team. At least that way when you trip on what should be a routine grounder, you can blame it on a discarded beer can. Soriano can blame his pathetic defense on being more shitfaced than Frank the Tank. How about you streaking by getting some fucking hits?"

"Hi Milton. How are you? Spending your $30 million on nice things? Did you get one of those nifty new $5,000 cell phones that can do your laundry? Good. Hey, you know thewife and I were wondering how much one can sell his baseball ability for on Ebay these days? We figure that with 16 lousy RBIs in 54 games, you have got to know.

Oh, nice play by the way on Magglio's line drive in the 7th inning. You know, you are supposed to try and catch the ball in your glove, you piece of crap. Holy shit, you suck. I mean, how much more failure are we supposed to take? You couldn't even successfully break you bat over your knee after striking out with two on in the ninth. Next time please smash the bat over your head so Cubs fans do not have to put up with your shit anymore."

"And the rest of you... one hit in 15 at-bats with runners in scoring position? Each and everyone one of you sucks. Period."

Here is the bottom line...I have been saying since mid April that this is going to be one of the most frustrating seasons in Cubs' history. After all, even when they win, they usually do so many stupid things that is is obvious in my mind that this is simply not a team that is capable of ending the 1o1-year drought. It does not matter if Aramis comes back. It does not matter if they are able to make a trade at the deadline. It does not even matter if Brian Boitano, er...Mark DeRosa returns to the North Side.

Look, I desperately hope I am wrong. I hope this team catches fire, goes on to win the NL Central, and makes me look like an idiot. I hope Hasbro Suckstein drives in seventy runs in the next seventy games. I hope Marmol turns back into the Marmol of 2008 and dominates. I hope Geo gets to keep his eyebrows, Fox and Soriano stay out of the beer league and, compared to Big Z, Tim Lincecum looks like Jaime Navarro. I want to be wrong more than anybody.

Glad to get that off my chest. I feel better.

Random Thoughts Hottie #1: Okay, now I really feel better!

(Yes, you are supposed to click on the link to the kid-friendly version of the post, give it a read, and vote in the poll!)

Happy Homecoming?

Dylan McKay had been through quite a lot by the time he left Beverly Hills in 1995. Alcoholism, severe drug abuse, fights between Brenda and Kelly, and the alleged death of his white collar criminal father. Heck, things got so bad after he fell victim to a scam that resulted in him losing all of his money that he started sleeping with the overweighted, I mean, overrated Valerie Malone (I absolutely love Allinonthefirsthand's comment and, therefore, have stolen it...). Maybe he just closed his eyes and imagined that she was still Kelly Kopowski.

Yet, even with all of the unfortunate memories, Dylan returned to Beverly Hills in 1998. Oh sure, he started mainlining heroin and dating the bad girl again, but when all was said and done, we are lead to believe that he kicked the habit and he and Kelly lived happily ever after. It turns out perhaps you can go home again.

Let's hope that someday the same can be said of Mark DeRosa.

I know that I have spent a lot of time in the last week or so joking about how DeRosa is Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and Jay Cutler all rolled into one, but after hearing his comments last weekend about how much he enjoyed playing in Chicago, I started to really feel bad that the Cubs had elected to trade him for what amounts to a bag of baseballs, a Dick Tidrow mustache groomer and a VHS copy of 90210 season four. Frankly, I am not sure that I have ever heard someone sound sadder about being forced to leave an organization. In media interviews, the poor guy sounded downright depressed. You would have sworn that somebody had just told DeRosa that he had failed to join Peter and Cindy in the glee club or that Jan may be allergic Tiger (you know, Bobby had a tough year). I am not sure I have seen someone so forlorned since Homer found out that KrustyBurger was going to stop selling the ribwich. Doh!!!

DeRosa, who has played in Atlanta, Texas, Chicago and now Cleveland talked about how much he enjoyed playing in front of Cubs fans. He talked about how he has never felt more at home than he felt at the Friendly Confines. He talked about how playing on the same field as Steve Trout, Ismael Valdez and Steve Buchele meant more to him than any of us would ever know. He talked about missing practically everything about the Cubs... day games... broken shards of Steroid Sammy's boombox embedded in the clubhouse walls... daily walks past the unfinished bronze statute of Corey Patterson which will, alas, never occupy it's rightful place at the corner of Addison and Clark... sticky magazine photos of Marla Collins from Jeromy Burnitz's tenure on the North Side.

The truth is that, despite all of the sarcasm, I liked DeRosa a lot when he was in a Cubs' uniform and, if there is anyway he can be brought back, I think that he could help this team. That said, I am officially joining the rest of Chicago in hoping that Jim Hendry can someone make it work. But, I encourage you to keep in mind that, while he may be a able to travel through time to the year 3010, fight the evil robot kings and save the human race again, I still doubt he can really do anything about frickin' Kevin Gregg.

* Oh noooo, I am not too angry about last night. So much for all the good feelings surrounding the team. This reminds me of when the TC Williams Titans won a big game only to see star linebacker Gerry Bertier get into a car accident. The difference? The Titans were able to overcome Gerry's paralysis. The Cubs, on the other hand...

* Reason #138 Why I Sometimes Hate Sports Radio: All Cubs fans should be angry about last night. Heck, all Sox fans should be angry about what happened. But Carmen DeFalco, host of the ESPN afternoon Saloon of Stupidity isn't angry. In fact, despite the fact that he claims to be a tried and true Sox fan, he is rather apathetic about the result. You see, Carmen mentioned on yesterday's show that he does not care who wins when the Cubs and Tigers play. Hey genius... Mario from Pizano's just called. You left your brain at the antipasto table.

Look, I have no problem if you are a Sox fan and feel the need to root against the Cubs when they play the Padres or the Phillies or any other National League team. Furthermore, I really can't argue with your desire to see Miguel Tejada convince D Lee that he is just sharing his Pop Rocks so Derrek gets a 50-game suspension or hope that Prince Fielder eats Ryan Dempster. I can't even quarrel with your want for Tony LaRussa to overimbibe of Busch Light and run over Gregg and Soriano in a drunken stupor. In fact, I know a number of Cubs' fans that would like to see the same thing.

But to say that you do not want the Cubs to beat the Tigers when Detroit has a five-game lead in the AL Mediocre, is simply idiotic and proves, in my mind, that some of you remain primarily Cubs haters rather than Sox fans. Just one man's opinion.

* Some homecomings make sense and are generally welcome. For example, Greg Maddux may have looked more like Gary Maddox on the hill than his old self during his second stint, but it just felt right to have him back in a Cubs' uniform. Scottie Pippen may have made more turnovers than Mad Chemist's pal The Swedish Chef when he returned to the West Side (when he wasn't wearing street clothes and saving Luol Deng's seat on the end of the bench, that is) but it was fitting that he would end his career in a Bulls' uniform. Pamela Anderson may have fooled around with Kid Rock for a bit and enjoyed a little of Paris Hilton's sloppy seconds when she went to Vegas with Rick Soloman, but aren't we all fairly certain that eventually she will make her way back to Dr. Feelgood. After all, it just feels right.

And then there are those "homecomings" that make about as much sense as trusting Iran to conduct a fair election. Yesterday, I referenced Dan McNeil's return to The Score, where he will host a new show. Despite his arrogance and mocking personality, it is hard to argue that McNeil has talent, but his return still shocks the heck out of me. After all, this is the same guy who spent the last eight years completely bashing the hell out of The Score and the station's management (when he wasn't suspended for teasing the poor fat man, that is). Listening to McNeil talk about The Score, you would swear that working there is akin to working at a fortune cookie making sweatshop in Shanghai.

I really want you to think about what has happened here. Imagine working at the Larry Roth-s-child School of Throwing Strikes only to be fired for telling star pupils Rich Hill and Jeff Samardzjia about the importance of getting ahead of the count. Imagine then getting a job working at the Gerald Perry School of Patience at the Plate where you unleash tirade after tirade on the stupidity of Larry's teachings. Imagine then getting fired for suggesting that Kosuke is Japanese for Spin-o-Rama. Now picture applying for a job at Larry's school again. Think he is going to want to hire you?

Apparently, if the imbciles that run The Score have any say, the answer is "quite possibly." Does that make any sense to you? I suppose the lesson to be learned is, go ahead and burn that bridge. We'll just use Obama's stimulus funds to build another.

Or pehaps the real lesson is that something is seriously wrong with the fact that Score management could not come up with another alternative and I now have reason #12,963 why I hate sports radio. After all, I'm right here and the cleaning industry is really not that fascinating... I'll just sit here and watch the episode when Dylan takes Brenda to the Homecoming Dance while I wait for their call.

-- A big "thank you" to new RT reader "Invoke the Mac" for his fine creation of the Mark DeRosa - South Park picture above. Good work Luis!!!