What About Kyle Taber?

I'm not sure how to react to the news that Geovany Soto was apparently hanging with Wooderson and Slater from Dazed and Confused while playing for Puerto Rico in the World Baseball Classic. On one hand, I am disappointed that he made such a poor decision with the season only a month or so away, while, on the other hand, I suppose it was possible that it was just his way of dealing with the reality that he was facing a season of catching Kevin Gregg, David Patton and Neal Cotts. Sometimes it's easier to just not think about it and pillaging Ricky Williams' stash is one was to get there.

Glad to see that he will not be punished by either Major League Baseball or the Cubs. Of course, he has received a two-year ban on participating in international competition which kills his dream of winning Fox's new global reality show "Who Wants to Groom My Facial Hair?"

Oh well, at least the freakish weight gain can now be explained. All this time, I thought he was hanging out with Cartman and Comic Book Guy at Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, while it turns out that it was nothing more than uncontrollable munchies. Let's hope Chef saved him some Chocolate Salty Balls and Homer did not eat all the America Balls.* Ultimately, I do not think this is a big deal.

* In fact, it makes him a perfect candidate to one day play in the NBA. Speaking of the NBA, how about some quick thoughts on what may turn out to be one of the worst drafts in history? Ought to be fun to look back at this a couple of years from now and see whether I am as smart as I pretend to be...

1. Blake Griffin: I guess someone had to go #1. Griffin is a nice player, but is likely closer to Pervis Ellison than he is to Dwight Howard. He will be a decent NBA player, but not a superstar. In this draft, Griffin is essentially the equivalent of the fastest runner in Ron Santo's rehabilitation group.

2. Hasheem Thabeet: Great pick if you are a fan of DeSagna Diop. At least the Big and Tall stores in Memphis can expect business to pick up. He is also guaranteed to be the best Hasheem in the history of the league even if he plays like Granville Waiters.

3. James Harden: Best beard and bow tie in the draft. Can score, but can also completely disappear more quickly than Jake and Elwood when they see a blue and white (as he did in the NCAA Tournament). Should be a nice piece on an up-and-coming OKC team. Let's hope his last name is not a sign that a bad shaving injury is in his future.

4. Tyreke Evans: Perhaps the best talent in the draft. The cows in Sacramento are going to love watching him play. So are the farm animals. Hey, I've been to Sacramento... and before Bertha and Bessie file suit, I'll remind them that truth is an absolute defense.

5. Ricky Rubio: From what I understand, Rubio is going to be an excellent NBA player, although it will not be easy to go from a beach town in southern Spain to Minnesota. Brenda Walsh never really made the adjustment and she went the other way, moving from the bitter cold to nice, warm weather. Let's hope Ricky fares better than Brenda and does not end up sleeping with the resident bad boy. If nothing else, the T-Wolves will be in a fantastic position to win the NBA's Paella Cooking contest.

6. Jonny Flynn: Flynn proved in the Big East tournament that he can go all night. Ought to please the groupies. Too short to make much of an impact on the court though (I'm talking his height, gutter brain).

7. Stephen Curry: Curry has received more hype over the last two years than Dancing With the Stars. He is good, he is just not that good. At least at 6'3 - 185, he is probably a better rebounder than namesake Eddy. He will be nothing more than a role player with the Warriors.

8. Jordan Hill: Am I crazy or was she the main character in Gossip Girl? One Tree Hill? Some other stupid show on the WB? Does anyone else feel badly for the frog? That has got to be the worst mascot gig since Ribbie was suffering daily beatings at the hands of Rhubarb.

9. DeMar DeRozan: De-welcome to De-Toronto DeMar. Going from USC to Canada has got to be tough. DeRozan has talent, but I question how he is going to deal with the pay cut. Maybe Tim Floyd can get a job as an assistant coach.

10. Brandon Jennings: Ciao! My advice is for Jennings to get to Milwaukee as quickly as possible. Summerfest is great. In fact, comparing Summerfest with the Taste of Chicago is like comparing the World Series with what will be a meaningless Cubs' game this September.

11. Terrence Williams: Going to be an excellent player in the NBA. If the Nets really felt the need to trade Vince Carter, they got a potential replacement.

12. Gerald Henderson: Michael Jordan drafted a guy from Duke? Isn't this like the Montagues inviting Tybalt over for tea and crumpets? Kwame Brown and Henrik Rodl must not have been available. I actually believe Henderson is going to be a good player on the next level. You know, just like all those other former Duke superstars... Trajan Langd... uh, and Jason Willa... um, and, uh, never mind.

13. Tyler Hansbrough: 6'8 white guys usually have long careers in the NBA. There is Henry Cantshoot who served 14 years as the guy who collected sweaty towels for the Heat. And there is Billy Annoystheshitoutofeveryone who passed out the post-game joints.

14. Earl Clark: Another big-time talent from Pitino's stable of "students." The problem is that while Araon Heilman is not Nuke LaLoosh, Earl Clark very well may be with million dollar talent, a ten-cent head and moldy shower shoes.

15. Austin Daye: Is anyone else wondering who would win a cage match between Daye, Alexei Ramirez and Calista Flockhart? Add all three together and I doubt they weigh as much as Geo Soto. Daye may have been successful when he was playing against Pepperdine, but this is the NBA. Better get him some of Cartman's Weight Gain 4000. Beefcake!! Beefcake!!!!!

16. James Johnson: I really like the Bulls' first pick. Very versatile and does many things well. Also one of nine children and a mixed martial arts black belt, which means that he knows how to behave in a group and can kick the snot out of Joakim Noah when he mouths off. He is also from Montana, which is promising should the Bulls' ever feel the need to blow up LeBron's house.

Reason #58 Why Sports Televsion is Only Slightly Better Than Sports Radio: ESPN's breakdown of Johnson noted that he needs to be more physical. While the graphic was being displayed, Mr Boo-Yah was commenting on how Johnson is such an incredibly physical player. Can someone explain this? Do you think they meant "physical" in the Olivia Newton John way?

17. Jrue Holliday: Jrue? Really? Is that a joke or is he the son of Javid and Jebbie?

18. Ty Lawson: A winner. Will have a nice career in Denver backing up Chauncey Billups, paying Kenyon Martin's bail and laughing at Carmelo when he insists that he is as good as Kobe.

19. Jeff Teague: Did not follow older brother David to Purdue, which at least shows that he is more intelligent than Glenn Robinson. Of course, that is like saying that someone is more a better speller than Jrue Holliday's parents.

20. Eric Maynor: Seann William Scott was hilarious in American Pie and has capitalized on his singular performance to become quite rich. Eric Maynor made one shot to beat Duke in the NCAA Tournament. Enjoy the paycheck and don't forget that Stockton and Hornacek left their porn magazines in the panels above locker #69. Do you have any clue what the punishment for getting caught with that stuff in Salt Lake City is? You have to drink whatever is in the cup that Kevin left on the nightstand.

21. Darren Collison: Another point guard drafted? No way!!! Collison is a modern day Tyus Edney, who enjoyed four unproductive seasons in the league. At least he gets to hang out at Cafe du Monde and Tipatina's.

22. Victor Claver: At this time yesterday, I had never heard of Olivia Munn or Victor Claver. Thanks to Bearister and the Trail Blazers, I have now heard of both. I would have drafted Munn.

23. Omri Casspi: A genuine, real-life Member of the Tribe. Simchat Torah is going to be some fun in the Kings' locker room. Photos of Sandy Koufax, Neil Diamond music. Good times. Bad basketball.

24. B.J. Mullens: Mullens is an interesting story, having grown up going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter. If it does not work out in Oklahoma City, he can always take up residence in the ruins of the Murrah Federal Building. I'm cheering for the kid and hoping that his name is never used in the same sentence as Brad Sellers.

25. Rodrigue Beaubois: Gesundheit. Here is a kleenex.

26. Taj Gibson: Hmmm...not so sure about the Bulls' second pick, especially since he his game has been compared to Tyrus Thomas. Interesting that he left USC after his junior year, yet is 74 years old. He also lists Jamal Tinsley among his favorite NBA players. Jamal Tinsley? Did the Bulls just draft the next Michael Ruffin? Not a terrible pick, but I would have rather had Dejuan Blair and his gimpy knees.

By the way, ESPN's breakdown of Tyrus Thomas, er... Taj Gibson notes that he needs to improve his shooting in traffic. Good to know if the Bulls ever play their games on the Kennedy or if he ever finds himself getting chased by Victor Drazen and his goons.

27. Demare Carroll: Mr. Boo-Yah tells us that he has a liver problem, but will not need a transplant for 20 years. I just hope his boss at Burger King lets him have time off. Dee Brown can be a hardass you know.

28. Wayne Ellington: Am I crazy or is this the third guard Minnesota has taken? I sorry did they move to the 6'5 and under league?

29. Toney Douglas: Good late-round value for the Knicks who picked up Douglas in a trade. (Can you tell I am out of steam?)

30. Christian Eyenga: Whatever.

* I suppose you all want a prediction of this weekend's crappy North Side team versus crappy South Side team series. Okay, how about Chicago loses, Chicago loses, Chicago loses.

Have a great weekend!

***Pop Culture Trivia Question of the Day: What are America Balls made out of? C'mon someone has got to know this!!!