Czech Out?

Mike Seaver may have been a troublemaker, but you have got to admit that he was a pretty cool kid. I mean, he wasn't quite Zack Morris cool, but he certainly wasn't Chris Griffin either. He was always pretty smooth with the ladies and virtually always assured of having a date to the Homecoming dance. He may have even once gone to the Max with Kelly Kopowski.

But one time, Mike met Lydia Shayne, a girl that was so beautiful she literally took his breath away. Long blonde hair, a smile that could light up a room, an unbelievable body... He was sure that she was the perfect catch and that the two of them would live happily ever after.

And then he heard her nails-on-chalkboard voice and realized that to say she had the IQ of a turnip would be an overstatement. A mentally challenged turnip maybe.

Now, I do not mean to suggest that Martin Havlat has the IQ of a turnip or any other uneaten vegetable, but the Hawks' decision regarding whether to resign him is analogous to Mike's deicison regarding whether to ask the blonde out on a date. Oh sure, they both promise hours of enjoyment, but you do also have to get past the utter frustration that is inevitable. You see, while most "new" Hawks' fans will tell you that the decision is an easy one... that you simply cannot let a guy with such skill sign elsewhere, most "new" Hawks" fans were also not among the 235 or so of us who suffered through Marty's knee and Marty's back and Marty's shoulder and Marty's hangnail and Marty's mosquito bite during his first two years in the Indian head sweater. You see, Martin Havlat may very well be Czechloslavakian for Mike Brown or Kerry Wood (you thought I was going to say Prior, didn't you? Well, I'd argue that Michal Grosek is Czech for Prior... in other words a guy who will help your team about as much as knowing that Hillary Swank and Heather Graham once appeared on Growing Pains will help you understand how such an annoying actress got the role of Chrissy).

There is simply no question that Havlat has tremendous scoring ability, is a better skater than most NHL players, and has terrific instincts, but, the sad truth is that his equipment bag includes not only skates, pucks, and gloves, but ace bandages, splints, and cortizone needles s well. This is after all, a guy who played 18, 56 and 35 games per season before suiting up for 81 in 2009 (which just happened to be his contract year, hmmm...). Who's in Marty's Fave Five? I'd wager Dr. House, Dr. Nick Riviera, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, his agent and his investment advisor.

So the question is do you spend the money on a guy who is undeniably talented, but who is incredibly injury prone and likely to miss a portion of the season? Of course, it is the same question that every other team will have to ask when considering whether to offer Marty a rich contract. And you know that someone will offer a guy with that much talent a big contract (If nothing else the Yankees will probably offer him a big deal in hopes that he can become a left-handed specialist. I mean, he got to be better than Aaron Heilman. Heck, Mike's best friend Boner would probably be better than Heilman).

Ultimately, I think Chicago has learned it lesson with players like Brown and Wood and Uterus Deng. With the NHL salary cap expected to be lowered and the contracts of Kane and Toews expiring after next year, I think the Hawks' are best served if they pass on dishing out big money to Havlat. Yes, you will be losing one of the most naturally skilled players in hockey, but you also get to avoid the frustration of seeing him sitting in the press box eating nachos while suffering from a case of Richhardenitis.

Now, if there was only a way they could sign him for just one night...

* Whether to resign Havlat is the Hawks' biggest off-decision decision simply because you have to believe that the team is not seriously considering bringing Khabibulin back. I'm not sure how I feel about this, if only because I trust Cristobal Huet in net about as much as I would trust Growing Pains' alum Annette Funicello between the pipes. A lot of hockey fans assume that Huet is a young up-and-comer given the fact that they had likely never heard of the Frenchman before a year or so ago and the fact that the Blackhawks' gave him a big contract. Well, the truth is that Huet turns 34 years old in September and has a grand total of 103 wins in a six-year NHL career. That has to make you uneasy as a Hawks' fan.

Yet, all indications are that the Hawks' will let the Bulin wall walk (or skate as the case may be), because of the money they have tied up in Huet (kind of like the situation where the producers of the new 90210 had to hire complete nobodys to play the show's main roles given the huge money they paid to have yet another Growing Pains' alum, Jennie Garth, reprise her role as Kelly Taylor) and the fact that it is bad business to allocate that much of a salary cap to goaltending. This is the single biggest problem the Hawks' face in '09 and it is not easily solved. After all, Jeff Hackett may be cheap, but he is also 41 and was never that good to begin with.

* The Hawks' other two free agents are Sammy Pahlsson and Matt Walker who, in the grand scheme of things, are the equivalent of Jose Macias and Pablo Ozuna. Decent players who play a role, but who are easily replaceable. And while I suppose you can't just go down to a third world hellhole somewhere in Latin America and pluck some barefooted kid off the street like some baseball teams try to do, I'm confident that if Pahlsson and Walker do not return to the west side, that it will make that much of a difference. I mean, it's not like if Growing Pains alum Leah Remini left Doug Heffernan high and dry.

What do you think the Hawks should do about Brown, er... Havlat, Nik, Pahlsson and Walker? Post a comment!

* One quick baseball note from the weekend... Parker Brothers has been routinely criticized so far this season for making a number of plays that remind Cubs' fans of Einstein Jones and so it is only fair that we recognize the absolutely brillant play that he made on Saturday afternoon. In the bottom of the third inning, Parker was on first and Reed Johnson was on third with only one out in the inning and Derrek Lee at the plate. Recognizing that the Cubs have about as much chance of getting a runner in from third with under two outs as Growing Pains' alum Matthew Perry has of replacing Havlat on the Hawks' second line next year and realizing that a 6-4-3 was likely imminent given that it was DP Lee at the plate, Parker proceeded to get himself thrown out "trying" to advance to second base. Of course, Lee then walked and Johnson laid down a perfect two-out bunt to drive in the run.

Raise a pint to our friend Parker Brothers -- a real man of genius. The difference is suckability.