Broken Hart

The Cubs won. Yipee. Good to see that Marmol, Guzman and Gregg actually pitched like real major leaguers, but let's not fool ourselves into thinking that the bullpen as a whole doesn't still suck. Okay?

In fact, I have been thinking about the one person who has to feel like the absolute biggest piece of garbage these days given all that has happened with the Cubs' pen. The guy who has to feel like such a loser that constantly finds himself asking "So why don't you kill me?" We are talking Scott Norwood walking into a Buffalo Bills' players reuinion. Buckner walking back into Shea. Mike walking into Teddy's KGB's underground lair.

By the way, can someone please explain to me what the hell "With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables, Dog food stalls with the beekcake pantyhouse" is supposed to mean? I mean, did Beck overindulge in Guatamalen Insanity Peppers before he wrote that? Was he hanging out with the Space Coyote and looking for his soul mate? For gosh sakes that makes the lyrics to "It's the End of the World as We Know it" seem sensible.

Anyway, back to the individual whose current situation has got to make Corey Patterson and Josh Fields feel like resounding successes. Yes, friends of the Random Thoughts, we are talking about former big league reliever and current farmhand Kevin Hart, who just was not quite good enough and, therefore, was assigned to Iowa at the end of spring training.

I want you to think about what it must be like to have been told that you were not good enough to pitch out of the Cubs' pen. "Yes, Kevin, they guys we have are terrible, but you what? Unfortunately, you'd have to improve to be terrible." Doesn't this have to be like being told that you are not brave enough to serve in the French army? Being told that you are too heavy to sign on the fourth member of the Fat Boys or not quite good looking enough to hang out with an army of Joakim Noah clones? Isn't this akin to being told that you are too slutty to be seen with Kelly Bundy, Paris Hilton and Kit DeLuca or not making the basketball team at Christopher Reeve Memorial School for the Tragically Diabled because you are simply not athletic enough?

I have not watched alot of the TV show Blossom in my life, but I do remember one episode when Blossom tells Joey that he is such a loser that if he ever entered a "Loser Contest," he would finish second. Think about that and let it sink in for a moment.

Whoa. Whoa, indeed.

* I may not be walking around with an armful of trophies (Marcia Brady keeps winning all of them), but I still cannot imagine what it must feel like to be Hart these days. One person who probably can is Jeff Samardzija, who also apparantly is not good enough to join what may be, in the often used words of Homer Simpson, the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Well, guess what Jeff? You apparently suck even worse. Here's Lovie's phone number.

* I wish I could say the same for Luis Vizcaino who was unceremoniously cut by the Cubs earlier this season, apparently deemed not quite good enough to compete with David Patton (6.46 ERA) or Aaron Heilman (5.09 and gives more free passes than a struggling night club). Vizcaino, you see, is doing quite well for himself, thank you very much, with a 1.54 ERA with the Indians. Of course, this begs the question as to when Jim Hendry, Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child found Eistein Jones' stupid pills. I mean, what was it that the Cubs brass found so objectionable about Vizcaino. His 0.00 ERA? His 0.55 WHIP? His .154 batting average against? Did they just have bad memories of Jose Vizcaino hitting into double plays?

* I actually like Guzman quite a bit and am impressed with how much he has progressed. I also think Marmol has too much talent to ignore and will eventually get his act together. I do not like Kevin Gregg though. I repeat, I do not like Kevin Gregg. I'm not sure what Hendry, Lou and Larry liked about him either when they brought him over from the Marlins. Could it have been his over four career ERA? His 1.34 career WHIP? His nine blown saves in '08? Oh yeah, stupid pills. Man, we are going to be cursing good ol' Jacque for a looooong time.

* I do like Marisa Miller. A lot.

* .224. Iowa is only 900 miles from Atlanta. Can't be more than a 25 hour bus ride. Please make the move now and bring up a major leaguer!!!!

* So, the Beckham era has officially begun on the South Side. Does this mean that Posh Spice is going to be making frequent appearances at U.S. Comiskular? Will the Sox new superstar be missing crucial games when he is leant to the Madrid Paella Eaters or Sheffield Avenues or Tidmouth Trains or some other European football club. Oh wait, you mean the Sox brought up Gordon Beckham?

* I'm certainly not saying that Gordon is not going to live up to all the hype, but before the folks at the MLB home offices start engraving the 2009 World Series Champions trophy, I would like to remind everyone that, in 2000, the small market White Sox paid what was then the largest minor league signing bonus ever and such bonus was given to a guy who is now spending his days restocking the shelves and looking for his five lost "tools" at Home Depot, while trying to figure out a way to make his local semi-pro football team.

* Borchard to Samardzija. Huh. Perhaps if this whole Cutler to Overrated Kick Returner thing does not work out, Jerry Angelo has another option.

* Switching gears, the NBA Finals start at 8:00 cst tonight. Phil Jackson, of course, has already complained about the Game One officiating.

* I am sure Jack will be there. Alice Henderson, Coach Herman Boone, Spiderman and Laverne*** too. And man, I hope Flea wears his stuffed animal pants.

* Random Fact of the Day: Did you ever wonder who the guy is that sits next to Colonel Nathan Jessup at every game? You know, the guy with the white beard who dresses like he may be Craig Sager's father? It turns out it is Lou Adler, a multi-milion dollar record producer, manager and director. Just thought you might want to know...

* Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has got to be excited that he will get to spend some time in LA. Ought to give him time to look up his long lost twin brother at the Stallion Ranch and film a couple of scenes for the Climaxxx Network.

* I hate Kobe, I hate Phil, and I hate the Lakers franchise. That said, as much as I would really like to see Adam Morrison reinact his 2006 NCAA Regional Semi-Finals imitation of Eric Cartman when he realized that he was stuck in Canada on Christmas thanks to Kyle, I have a feeling that Kobe is going to prove that he can win a championship without Shaq and, therefore, will take the Lakers in seven. Next year I'll take Shaq-and-Stein in six.

***Congrats to GoldenSombrero for successfully answering yesterday's trivia question. Jane's Addiction and Porno For Pyros' front man, Perry Farrell's real name is Peretz Bernstein (he also is the creater of Lollapolooza and once performed at PurimPolooza). Today's question ought to be easier: who are the four Lakers' fans referenced?