I Hope They At Least Got Some Skyline Chili

If you are a big fan of the King of Rock and Roll, there was no better place to be this past weekend than Tupelo, Mississippi where hundreds of rhinestoned-jumpsuit wearing freaks danced to the Jailhouse rock at the annual Elvis Festival.

If you understand the significance of white bishop to E4 you would have felt right at home at the South Point Hotel and Casino where the Screech Powers, the ghost of Bobby Fischer, and a bunch of Russian immigrants who were not good enough to play hockey fought it out for the championship of the Las Vegas International Chess Festival (I'm sure the ladies at the Palms loved that diamond-encrused pocket protector, Sergei!).

If your favor listening to the Indigo Girls, watching the Bravo network, and your heroes are Harvey Milk, Liberace and Jeff Garcia, Salt Lake City, Utah, of all places, hosted an event just for you.

And if you like bad baseball, there was absolutely no better place to be this past weekend than the Great American Ballpark on the banks of the Ohio River in Cincinnati.

Look, I am as tickled as anyone that the Cubs managed to take two of three games during their trip to the Queen City. But, let's face it, almost twelve hours of Cubs-Reds weekend baseball taught us three very important things: (1) that Carlos Marmol's pitches are about as likely to hit the bull mascot as they are to hit the catcher's glove (and equally likely to win the batter a free streak); (2) that Andres Blanco belongs in the major leagues about as much as I belong in the University of Illinois Fan Hall of Fame, and (3) that both teams need to improve to be considered mediocre. So, let's take a quick look back at three games of baseball that the folks who produce baseball instructional videos can ignore without giving it a second thought...

FRIDAY: As far as I have heard, Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne were not in Cincinnati Friday night, but, nonetheless, I could have sworn I was watching a remake Dumb and Dumber. Yes, the Cubs won, but the truth is that they won for no other reason than the fact that the 25 players on the Reds active roster apparently have the combined IQ of the Baldwin brothers... and there are only four of them. Not to mention that Stephen is currently rubbing elbows with Lady Blago on "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here," was an ardent supporter of Mike Huckabee, and has "HM" tatooed on his shoulder so he could make a cameo on Hannah Montana. No sh*t. I'm going to trust that there is no reason to say any more.

Even Dusty could not believe his eyes in the top of the ninth, when, with a 3-2 count and the tying run on base, Stephen Hawking Hairston did his best Soriano impersonation by swinging at a breaking ball that was so far off the plate that it ended up going for a dropped third-strike. How far outside was the pitch? Well, let's just say that Hairston could have been using a 45-inch bat and probably still would not have been able to make contact.

So with the tying run on third and the winning run on first, Reds' centerfielder Chris Dickerson then joined the Dan Quayle Memorial Akademiks Club by swinging at 1-0 pitch that he popped up to third to end the game. And, while there is no shame in popping up to end the game, there is tremendous shame in swinging at a pitch that was...well, let's just say a bit high. (All together now)... How high was it? Well, all you really need to know is that Yao Ming would have taken it for ball two. Heck Spudd Webb standing on Yao Ming's shoulders would have taken it for ball two.

There are times when being good is all it takes. And there are times when it is better to be lucky than good. And then there are times when you simply need to be playing a team full of card-carrying members of the Ralph Wiggum "Me Fail English? That Unpossible" club.

SATURDAY: There I was sitting on the couch watching the bottom of the 11th inning when a sacrifice bunt put the winning run on third with only one out. Okay, now if this were the Cubs batting, you would simply pitch to the next batter and watch him strikeout or pop out or get called out for batting in the wrong order, knowing that they had as much chance of getting the run in from third as "Drag Me to Hell" has in winning a Best Drama Golden Globe. But it was the Reds who has the winning run on third, which normally necessitates that Alan Trammell wake up Lou so he can use his "years of experience" to the Cubs benefit.

First, he directed Sean Marshall to walk Ryan Hanigan. Okay, that certainly makes sense. And next he had Marshall walk Adam Rosales to create a force at... wait, what do you mean, he did not have Marshall walk Rosales? Excuse me? Did Lou doze off again? What the?

A weak ground ball to third... a high throw by Fontenot making it impossible for Soto to get a tag down.... a Cubs 4-3 loss. I'm sorry, did I just see that?

I understand that hindsight is always 20/20, so I am proud to say that, as I was watching the game, I was literally screaming at the TV, begging Lou to walk Rosales as well. You can ask thewife. Go ahead. Of course, she may not know what you are talking about given that she learned to tune me out years ago.

Anyway, I have no idea why Lou did not walk Rosales to load the bases and create a force at every base. Maybe he was too busy going through Steven Baldwin's filmography in his head. Maybe he was looking for Jeff Garcia's wife in the crowd. Maybe he was trying to find Thing One and Thing Two's phone numbers so he has another option in the infield. Maybe he was trying to convince Alan Trammell that giving Delino DeShields another shot is a good idea.

The bottom line is that is was a poor move. Create a situation where there is a force play at the plate and Soto may be able to come down on the plate before the runner slides in safely. But, alas it was not to be... given a move that left me scratching my head, wondering why Lou would make a move that makes about as much sense as Jeff Garcia even having a wife, let alone one that looks like that.

SUNDAY: Hey, looky here. Lou learned his lesson in the bottom of the 12th inning. And what do you know? A ground ball to third and a force out at home plate. Wow. Neato how that works, huh?

Other than that...blah, blah, blah. I mean, what was your favorite part of the game? Reed Johnson throwing to the wrong base to eliminate the possibility of a double play? Blanco's dropped pop-up? Soto's 0-4 and seven men left on base? (and he did not even come into the game until the 9th inning!). The fact that Marmol apparently has some sort of grudge against poor Randy Wells that he just will not let go of? The Cubs complete inability to do anything at the plate from the 3rd inning until the 14th? The fact that the game came down to David Patton versus a guy with an ERA over eight?

Bob Brenly said it best, when he commented "If you like pitching and bad at-bats, you must love this game."

Heck, even the umpires and Lou got into the act. As for the umpires, the only thing players ask for is consistency, yet the home plate ump was about as consistent as a Tyrus Thomas 15-foot jump shot. And the call at third in the bottom of the eigth had me asking when Hue Hollins switched to baseball.

As for Lou, what, that's the best you can do? First, it took about three minutes for him to get his butt out there. And then what? No kicked dirt? No thrown bases? Didn't Big Z teach him the art of kicking an ump out of the game? Heck, judging by the fact that he remained in the game, he apparently did not even call the ump a c*cksucker. Sigh.

Oh well, I suppose I should be happy with the win on a day when both the Brewers and Cardinals lost. As for now, I gotta go... It's the last day of the Pirate Festival in Port Washington, Wisconsin and I hear Kent Tekulve and Tim Foli and going to be there. Aaarrgghh...