I Can't Think Of A Clever Title...

It will come as no surprise that I have a tendency to get quite irritated by a number of things when I watch baseball. Oh, there are the usual suspects, things like walking a leadoff hitter and failing to get a runner in from third with under two outs, but there are other things as well. For example, it drives me nuts when pitchers get behind in the count, when guys fail to move a runner over, and when guys run the bases as if it were a high school softball game where my motto was always "Just keep running. Eventually Hilda Geekenstein or Cheryl Ann Dontwanttobreakanail is going to be forced to make a play." And, of course, I am driven literally insane every time Lou tries to convince us that David Patton is a major league pitcher and whenever a Little Debbie Nutty Bar falls out of Bobby Jenks' pocket when he is on the mound.

The sad truth is that I find myself complaining to "thewife" about stupidity, foolishness and downright idiocy about ten times more than I find myself commenting about a smart, well-executed play. And if you take into account all my complaints to theson, thedaughter, thecat, and theprincefieldervoodoodoll, made after thewife has had enough and gone upstairs to read Harry Potter for the 387th time (which usually happens in about the 4th inning), the ratio probably climbs to 25-1 or so.

And that is why I could not help but grin from ear-to-ear when Alfonso Soriano stole second base in the bottom of the 9th inning of last Friday's game between the Cubs and the Cleveland DeRosites. For those of you who were too busy trying to figure out how Tiger Woods was playing his second round and Phil Mickelson was still on his first, but Ty Webb was finishing up his third to have seen the end of the Cubs' game; Soriano stole second with two outs and Ryan Theriot batting in a 7-7 tie. Soriano then scored when Theriot hit a grounder to first that magically hit one of Mark Grace's old condom wrappers, took a wicked bounce, and dribbled into right field.

Look, unless the runner is Ron Cey or Paul Konerko or the hitter at the plate is Albert Pujols, Lou Gehrig or Mark DeRosa (snicker), a stolen base should always be attempted in such a situation. If the runner stays on first base, you are relying on either an extra-base hit or two hits to score the winning run. If he successfully steals second, however, presumably all it takes is a single or a routine fly ball to Hasbro Suckstein or Soriano to get him home and enjoy a victory (yes, I realize I wrote "routine" and there are two outs in the scenario...you do the math). I ask what is more likely, especially with this year's offensively challenged Cubs' team that has enough trouble getting an extra base hit or a hit of any kind with runners in scoring position?

I am not sure why teams do not recognize this more often. The bottom line is that a runner should almost always try and steal second with two outs in the late innings of a tie game. And so, the next time, you see a Cubs' batter hit a single that merely moves a runner up to second or third, followed by an out, you can be sure that I am more irritated than Keira Knightly when she discovered that she has not been named a Random Thoughts Hottie as of yet..

Quick hits from the last four days of baseball...

* I admit that I gave up on last Friday's game versus the DeRosites and went grocery shopping. Down 7-1 with Cliff Lee on the mound, a Cubs' comback seemed about as likely as Eric Cartman going on a diet. In fact, I believe thekids were fighting over whether to go with Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes or Beefy Logs when the Cubs scored four in the bottom of the 8th. Glad I made it back in front of a TV to see Soriano imitate Tim Raines in the 9th, when 99% of the time, he continues to imitate Dave Kingman. It truly was a great win.

* Lou may have made a wise managerial move when he had Kingman, er, Soriano steal a base on Friday, but that is about the only smart move he made all weekend. His worst decision was deciding to have Big Z pinch hit in the 11th inning of the game on Saturday when Soto and Jake Fox remained viable options. Look, I understand that Carlos is a decent hitter and I would understand the move if it were the 5th or 6th inning, but in the 11th? I mean, what exactly was he saving Soto and Fox for? Does Fox have a long history of coming through in the 17th and 18th innings? Was Soto working on his eyebrows in the clubhouse and, therefore, not in the dugout? Pinch hitting Zambrano in that spot is like calling Tim Taylor and asking him to fix your facuet when Bob Vila and Handy Manny are waiting by the phone.

* I also disagreed with Lou's decision to let Ryan Dempster bat in the top of the 7th in last night's game and I certainly made my feelings known as he was walking up to the plate. After having to listen to me whine and moan, I'll betcha thewife wishes she had lost herself in the world of Harry, Hermonie and all their friends a few innings earlier. I am not sure what Lou was thinking. Perhaps he wanted a coveted spot on the list of People Who Are Pissing Me Off This Week. Congrats Lou. You made it!

* Bob Brenly's prediction of Mich Hoffpauir's home run in the 6th inning of Saturday's game was really something. Anyone can predict that Soriano will strike out or Aaron Heilman will walk every other batter he faces or Dempster will give up a run in the bottom of the 7th after batting in the top of the inning (which I did by the way) or even that Soto will continue to miss his postgame professional eyebrow manicure appointments if the Cubs continue to play so many extra inning games, but to correctly predict a pinch hit home run with such certainty, is pretty amazing.

* Anyone notice that Derrek Lee's hot streak started when I suggested that the team assign him Gatorade machine guarding duty? I suggest we now recommend that "Little Paul Bako" be put in charge of watching over the barrell of Double Bubble and Soriano be asked to take responsibility for Rich Harden's first aid kit. After all, isn't he due for a paper cut? Kosuke's good luck Hello Kitty? The Japanese Twister can take care of that himself.

* Speaking of injuries...really unfortunate news that Angel Guzman, the team's most dependable arm out of the bullpen, has been put on the 15-day DL. Lou and Larry Roth-s-child better hope Marmol regains his '08 form soon or look into what Terry Adams is doing these days.

* Reason #6,954 Why I Sometimes Hate Sports Radio: Matt Spiegel, the new co-host of the Score's "We Could Not Find Anyone Else, So We Brought Back A Guy Who Most of Chicago Hates and Who Has Bashed Us Incessently For the Past Eight Years Show" (more commonly known as the "Danny Mac Show") commented on how much he enjoyed watching Saturday's Sox-Reds game because he likes watching "well played baseball." Excuse me? Is he talking about the same game that produced five errors, 34 team runners left-on-base, a hit batter, and a wild pitch? The same game that almost made Bill Melton throw up the eighteen hot dogs he ate? The same game that even caused Einstein Jones to comment about how poorly it was played? Calling Saturday's game "well played," is like calling Dr. House easy to get along with or commenting that Rosie O'Donnell is both in great shape and not annoying.

* Perhaps The Score or ESPN Radio can hire Dusty Baker to host a show when he is done with his stint as the Reds' manager. Dusty, who managed both Barry Bonds and Steroid Sammy, noted that he was surprised by the reports that both had used performance enhancing drugs and stated that he knew nothing about it. Are you sure those toothpicks are laced with tree tea oil and not LSD, Dusty? Of course, this is the same guy who continues to allow Stephen Hawking Hairston to play everyday...

Have a great night!