Those who were alive will never forget where they were on that fateful day in 1963 when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot while his motorcade rolled down a Dallas city street. And those who weren't too strung out on LSD in the 1970's are likely to remember precisely where they were when Richard Milhous Nixon gave the victory sign with both hands while climbing aboard Army One on the final day of his presidency. Of course, nobody can forget what they were doing when they first heard that an airplane had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. And you can bet Jose Contreras will always remember that he was eating a pressed ham and swiss sandwich and drinking a mojito at Livan's Lunch Counter in Havana and Greg Oden can still picture himself behind the counter at the northside Indiana general store when his good pal James Whitcomb Riley strolled in and gave the shocking news... that President Lincoln had been shot.
Yes, there are certain days that you will never forget.
The MTV generation boasts such days as well. I mean, who doesn't remember where they were when Christa McAuliffe became not only the first teacher to attempt to go up into space but also the first teacher to have 32,754 parts of her body spread over the state of Florida (I, myself, was in an eigth-grade science class). And, I distinctly remember driving to work when the dulcet tones of Barry Keefe of 101.9 The Mix announced that a small propeller plane had crashed into the WTC. And, I am sure that everyone recalls that amazing day in February 1987 when "Over the Top" made its theatrical debut and Sylvester Stallone was launched into the stratosphere of superstardom from which he has never come down. But there is one day that stands out above all of the rest...
Let me caution you from the outset that I am well aware that admitting that I can recall even the most excrutiating details of what happened on September 25, 2004 proves that, at times, my priorities rival those of Homer Simpson when he elected to travel around the country in search of more Ribwich sandwiches rather than watch Lisa compete against the best of the best at the annual Spellympics. What can I say, Popeye? I yam what I yam.
Anyway, Saturday, September 25, 2004 was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm with a nice breeze -- not quite strong enough to prevent you from reading the newspaper on the back deck, but definitely powerful enough to make Calista Flockhart think twice about heading outdoors for fear of being blown away. I, of course, wasted the afternoon watching Mark "Where Are They Now" Prior pitch 7 2/3 innings of zero-run, four-hit baseball against the Mets at Shea. And, thanks to a two-run homer by Todd "There Is A Sale on Pantyhose in Aisle Four" Walker, the Cubs carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning.
Looking back, I now realize that there was really no reason to think that anything would go wrong -- outside of the fact that the Cubs are, well, the Cubs. Yet, despite their unfortunate history, the Cubs had won 13 of their last 16 games, held a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card standings, and were facing a Mets team that was 24-44 since the All-Star break and featured such prominent superstars as Eric Valent, Jason Phillips, Orber Moreno (true, he is the most celebrated "Orber" ever to set foot on a major league field -- which is a little like being the greatest Jewish guy from Highland Park ever to play in the NBA), and Victor Diaz.
Oh yeah... Victor Diaz.
Anyway, with one out in the final inning, Ryan Dempster walked the All-World Valent and the "All-LaMesa" Phillips (I just cannot bring myself to even sarcastically call a guy who came into the game with a .218 batting average "All-World" or "All-American" or even "All-San Diego County" so I will settle for his birthplace), before Dusty summoned LaTroy Hawkins from the bullpen. Hawkins helped Cub fans breathe a little easier by retiring "All-St. Luisa's Preschool" Jeff Keppinger, before the aforementioned Victor Diaz belted a 2-2 pitch over the right field scoreboard to tie the game at three.
Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz
Despite the fact that I have still not seen a video of the home run since that fateful September day, I can still see it in my mind as clear as day. I can still remember calling Hawkins just about every name in the book (in fact, I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone may have stolen "boner-biting bastard" and "c*ck sucking, *ss lickining, Uncle F*cker from me). I think Boris the Cat may still have a bump from where the remote bonked off of his head. And, finally, I remember curling up on the couch and staring blindly as Craig Brazell would go on to hit his first and only career home run off Kent Mercker in the bottom of the 11th to give the Mets a 4-3 win.
Victor, the hard rock band Skid Row may very well have been talking about you. "Through every sleepless night. Through every endless day. I remember you. Whoa Whoooooaaaaaa!"
So, why have I chosen to take you on this trip down memory lane? Because if the Chicago Cubs do not go on to win the 2007 National League Central Division Crown we may very well look back at Saturday, August 11 as the day that it all began to fall apart (Curse of Kid K, people!).
Now, let me be clear here... it is probably not possible to have a true "Victor Diaz Day" in early August... not with 40-something games left to play. Heck, there is still way too much time for Jenius Jones to embarrass himself during a two hits in 34 at-bats streak, Big Z to lose his mind, ala Ozzy Osbourne, and bite the head off of either a rat or "Are They Really Paying Me For This? Talk About Money For Nothing. Do I Also Get Chicks For Free?" Hill, and Kerry Wood to blow out a flip flip, step on a pop-top, cut his heel and have to limp on back home (naturally putting him on the disabled list until 2012). That said, what happened Saturday night is like winning the lottery by playing the numbers 6-6-6... a bad omen.
And it is not so much what happened to the Cubs that upsets me. Oh sure, I am horrified by the fact that Sean Gallagher and Scott Eyre got hit harder than Buddy Hinton when Peter had finally had enough of his teasing Cindy because she spoke with a lisp. There is no doubt that giving up 13 runs in 2 1/3 innings is bad, but what has me really concerned is what happened in the Brewers game.
For those of you who were too busy watching Sex Talk With Sue Johansen to pay attention Saturday night, the Brew Crew was trailing Houston 4-0 with two outs in the top of the seventh, scored a run to cut the lead to 4-1, added two in the top of the eighth to make it 4-3, and took a 6-4 lead on a two-out home run by Victor Diaz, er, Ryan Braun (on an 0-2 pitch no less). It was the kind of game that makes you believe that perhaps it is Milwaukee and not the Cubs that is truly destined to win the National League Central crown.
And haven't we seen a team that boasts Bob Uecker as it's play-by-play guy go from the bottom of the cellar to the top of the heap in record time before? Let's just say that if the Brewers sign Jake Taylor or Wild Thing Vaughn, I am giving up and focusing my attention on football, whether Rex the Wonder Dog can make intelligent decisions this year and handicapping "America's Got Talent" (for the record, Rex, it turns out entered the wrong contest when he bowed out in the first round of "America's Got Good Decision Making Skills").
The bottom line is that I have this awful feeling that, come October, if, rather than watching thousands of 18-year old "Cub fans" who would not know Don Kessinger from Henry Kissinger, have no memory of the fabulous mustache of Dick Tidrow and think that Ty Waller is that carpenter guy who hosts Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crowd Waveland Avenue waiting for Weasley to send a ball high and deep into the night, Cubs fans are relegated to combing the shops looking for the perfect Karl Rove Halloween costume and watching Derrick Turnbow become the ugliest man to play in a post season baseball game since Jim Leyritz, we will look back on August 11 with dismay.
* The biggest villain Saturday night was Rockie Jamey Carroll who hit a two-out pinch-hit, grand slam off Rich Hill to give Colorado a 6-2 lead. Last week we welcomed Will Oh Man! to the "Crappy Ex-Cub Left-Handed Relievers Club" (hey, is that Mark Guthrie back from his vacation to Suckville? Welcome back! Did you eat at Karen's Krappy Kitchen? I hear the Stinkburgers are delicious!) and this week we welcome Jamey to the "Crappy Players Who Kill the Cubs" Club. Yes, that is Jeff Blauser's photograph on the membership card (he gets in the club both as a result of his performance against and for the Cubs).
And Carroll's grand slam is just the coup de gras. Thus far in 2007, Jamey is hitting .364, has a 1.091 slugging percentage, has clubbed two home runs and has eight RBI against the North Siders. Against the rest of the league, he is hitting .232, slugging .315, has nary a home run and only 10 RBI. In other words, he hits a home run every 5.5 at-bats and has driven in eight runs in only 11 at-bats against the Cubs, while we are still waiting for his first home run and he has driven in ten in 171 at-bats against the rest of the league. Ouch!
Further, unlike the success of Ace of Base, Carroll's success against the Cubs is not a one-year, freak thing. In 2006, he batted 117 points higher, has a slugging percentage that was more than 400 points higher, hit a home run every 12 at-bats and drove in a run every four at-bats against Hill, Wuertz and the rest of Larry Roth-s-child's gang of merry men. Against the rest of the league, he hit a home run every 113 at-bats and drove in a run every 13 1/2. In other words, Jamey must look forward to playing the Cubs like Cartman looks forward to a powdered donut pancake surprise and Kobe Bryant used to look forward to relaxing vacations at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera***
* Wow! Jenius Jones is hotter than the pool scene in Wild Things. Do I owe him an apology? Did Coronel Nathan R. Jeesep apologize for ordering the Code Red? Did Hanke apology for not letting George squeeze his big head through the neck hole of his sweater? Did Zack ever apologize to Mr. Belding for making his life a living hell. In other words... no.
* Finally, yes, I did anger thewife with my admission last week that I will no longer cheer for the White Sox and I am genuinely sorry that I upset her. That said, I would like to share with all of you a quick story about what type of a person I married. My son, Ryan, shares a birthday with Prince William, the actor who played Stephen Keaton on Family Ties, and certified nutjob Juliette Lewis -- June 21 and this year we held his family birthday party on Saturday, June 23. June 23, you see, is the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing game two in their weekend series at U.S. Comiskular. Despite the fact that she knew that we were going to have a house full of born-and-bred Sox fans, she went out before the party and bought him a Cubs hat. I think this story speaks for itself.
Have a great day...
***I am interested in what else are famous and infamous people looking forward to? For example, our good friend Todd is probably looking forward to the "free preview" weekend on Skin-a-max, All Hail the Chief may be looking forward to Saturday, September 8 when the Fightin' Illini football team gets to square off against the Leathernecks of Western Illinois and Orange Whip cannot wait for the Dee Brown book signing... Be creative and post a comment (yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you all to comment!)
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
The Curse of Kid K?
Let's see here... First, Alphonso Soriano limps off the field like Cindy Brady when she feigned injury because she was only allowed to invite one parent to the school play. Then Angel Pagan apparently ate the fish.* And now Aramis Ramirez has been spending all of his free time playing Centipede, Space Invaders and Dig Dug (Mortal Kombat? Please... I'm "old school"). At this point, we better just hope that Jason Kendall doesn't accidentally try on Michael Barrett's old jock strap and come down with an untimely intrascrotal hematoma.
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Not to mention the fact that Big Z morphed into Big J -- as in Jaime Navarro -- Wednesday night, Mark DeRosa suddenly has less chance of getting a clutch hit than Barry Bonds has of being invited to Bud Selig's retirement party, and Tommy Thistlewhistle is now two for his last twenty-two. Oh yeah, do I also need to mention that, despite last night's much-needed ass whoopin' of the Rockies, the team as a whole is now 2-6 in their last eight games. What in the name of Steve Bartman is going on here?
Some curses are real. For example, we all know that the only thing worse than appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated is to be on the cover of the Madden Football video game and the only thing worse than that is to appear on the cover of Cat Fancy (just ask Warrick Dunn). We all know that if the RT refers to the The Team Who Must Not Be Named by their real name, not only will Brandon Rush go 1-16 from the field and not only will the NCAA announce that Greg Ostertag and Eric Chenowith are actually still eligible and will be returning to Lawrence to terrorize a campus full of coeds, but also, instead of joining Dorothy on her quest, the Cowardly Lion will eat Toto and carry Judy Garland into the forest to be his love slave. And we all know that the Bat Bogey Hex will, in fact, cause your "bogies" to enlarge to bat size, sprout wings and attack your face (I'd stay away from Ginny if I were you).
On the other hand, some curses, fortunately, are not real. That Krusty doll wasn't really cursed when it tried to split Homer's head open with a butcher knife, it's switch had just been flipped to "evil." Being a drummer in the same band as David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls doesn't really mean that you are automatically going to spontaneously combust or choke on someone's vomit, it is just an unhappy coincidence. Torrance Shipman wasn't doomed to fail just because she dropped the spirit stick (although the fact that Carver broke her leg was her fault). And there is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever ended up with a hairy palm just because they stayed up all night watching Emmanuelle movies and Pam and Tommy's greatest hits.
But, one cannot ignore what has happened to the Cubs since the much-celebrated return of Kerry Wood. The Curse of Kid K? I'll let you judge for yourself. Me? I'm melting my 2003 National League Division Series Game Five video and burning my autographed copy of "Perfect Pitching Mechanics: The Wood Way" just in case.
* Turns out I was wrong. Steve Carrell has a much better chance of winning an Oscar for Evan Almighty than Koyie Hill has of getting a hit. Anyone care to wager what happens first... Koyie gets a hit or Lovie Smith says "Rex is our quarterback. We like Rex" for the 100,000th time.
* Jenius Jones went 4-5 with five RBI last night. Might I remind you that the aforementioned Rex the Wonder Dog once threw four touchdowns in a game and tossed three in two others, but like noted vegetarians Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano and Lisa Simpson at Sam's Butcher Shop, I ain't buying.
* Big Q (as in Reuben Quevedo) struck out with the bases loaded and only one out Wednesday night and responded by breaking his bat over his knee. Neato. Is it possible that the Cubs are hesitant to to sign Big I (that's Ismael Valdez) to a big contract because they trust him about as much as current fiance' Brooke Mueller can trust living legend Charlie Sheen. I personally like Big A (or is it Big EP as in El Pulpo) and (if possible given the current uncertainty surrounding ownership of the team) think the Cubs should get the deal done. Yes, I remain concerned that he could end up Chicago's answer to Rob Dibble after having his manhood questioned by Sweet Lou but, at least, I remain confident that Big M (you choose: Mark Clark, Mike Morgan or Matt Karchner) is going to turn back into Big Z and is not going to turn into Chris Benoit.
* After scoring only three runs in the first two games in Houston and facing the prospect of playing without Alphonso and Aramis (not to mention the fact that Henry Rodriguez refuses to leave his job at Ernesto's Eyeglass Emporium), the Cubs knew that they had to make a change to jump-start their offense. So what do they do before Wednesday night's game to change their luck? How about skip batting practice. Ooookkkkaaaay. That makes sense.
Think about it... If you were overtired, would you go to sleep early or stay up watching vampire movies on Son of Svengoolie? If you are hungry, do you head straight for the nearest fast food restaurant or do you tape your mouth shut? And when you wanted to ask Kelly Kapowski on a date but failed to even get the words out of your mouth thanks to the fact that you were more nervous than Willie Mays Hayes on final Cleveland Indians cut-down day, did you pout of did you do the sensible thing and down a case of Duff Extra-Cold? Yes, Allen Iverson, it is "just practice," but the Cubs might have wanted to give it a shot (for the record they scored a grand total of two runs on Wednesday night, which may or may not prove my point).
* Hey we found Glenallen Hill!!!! I swear that I has no idea that he was coaching first base for the Colorado Rockies when I referenced him in my return blog... Like Michael Vick when caught shopping at Doug's Dangerous Dogs, this is nothing but a lucky coincidence.
* Eric-O-Meter: Watched in awe as Jenius had four hits and the Cubs scored ten runs despite Derrek Lee's 0-5 evening. Told by Daryle Ward that Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious and come from the Colorado River. Plans on getting back at Daryle by ordering ten pizzas and having them sent to Daryle's room and then dipping Daryle's hand in warm water while he is sleeping (he is only 24 years old, people!).
* When Big Les Lancaster pitches, I question why Lou Piniella does not bat him 8th, especially if "I hit worse than Horshack and if you saw Screech beat his ass on Celebrity Boxing, you know exactly how awful that is" Hill is behind the plate. Consider this... In the 2nd inning of Wednesday's game, Mark DeRosa was on third with only one out and Weasley at the plate. DeRosa then went on contact on a routine ground ball to shortstop and was thrown out trying to score. I cannot help but wonder whether he would be going on contact if Big R (Roberto Novoa?) was on deck and not the aforementioned Hill. Big Glendon, after all, had a legitimate chance to drive him in with a two-out hit...
* There is certainly precedent for such a move and, no, you do not have to go all the way back to the days of black-and-white television, Humphrey Bogart and Juho Kusti Paasikivi's presidency in Finland to find it. Instead, you simply have to go back to the days of "Bikini Destinations" in hi-def, Matt Damon and Tarja Halonen's presidency in Finland. You see, Tony LaRussa has been hitting his pitcher in the eight-hole for the past week or so. You have got to give LaRussa credit. He may handle his liquor like Kent Mercker and Moises Alou handle criticism, but at least he is willing to take a chance and roll the dice.
* Comebacks usually make for great stories. Michael Jordan liked them so much he did it twice. George Foreman got sick of grilling hamburgers and chasing Georges II through XXIV around the house and returned to the ring at a time when he was arguably only a few months away from qualifying for the 20-cent cup of coffee at Wendy's. Sean Connery came back for another spin as James Bond in "Diamonds are Forever" after watching George Lazenby embarrass the role in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." But few comebacks have been more amazing than Rick Ankiel's. Ankiel, you may remember, was a hot shot pitching prospect for the Cardinals before he became wilder than spring break with Lenny Dykstra, Tara Reid and a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Not to be denied, he ditched his pitching aspirations and headed to the minor leagues to learn to play the outfield. Well, six years, 36 garter belts and more than 2,300 "poetry readings" with Annie Savoy later, Rick Ankiel has made his return to the Cardinals lineup, batting second on Thursday evening and playing right field. He even hit a three-run home run in his last at-bat Congratulations Rick.
* While the Cubs have been struggling, the White Sox have been playing much better lately. In fact, prior to last night's loss to the Tribe, the Sox had won 10 of their last 15 games, including a sweep of Detroit at Comerica. Sox fans are understandably proud of their team. The veterans have refused to pack it in and some of the young guys are showing a fair bit of promise (not quite enough, however, for Lou Brown to say that there are a few potential all-stars there). Credit is certainly deserved, but I fear that some Sox fans are getting a little carried away. Believe it or not, a number of Sox fans were calling the postgame show last Saturday night and talking about how the Sox still had a realistic shot to win the Division (let's be honest here, old Don Johnson singles must have been playing on every radio station and my CD played must have been broken for me to have been listening to Chris Ronge). To their credit they did admit that there were a lot of "ifs" involved in the equation.
And you know what, they're right. Yes, the Sox can still make the playoffs... if Buehrle, Vazquez, and Garland continue to pitch lights out and if Konerko and Dye keep slugging the ball out of the park, and if Scotty Pods takes off his tutu and is able to renew his deal with the devil and if Kenny Williams can talk the Yankees into trading A-Rod and Derek Jeter for Jerry Owens and if Andy Gonzalez can turn into Juan Gonzalez (now with more Dianabol!) and if Don Cooper can convince Jose Contreras that he will be shipped back to Havana on the U.S.S. Elian Gonzalez unless he stops pitching like Todd Ritchie and if Nancy Faust wins a Grammy and if Ribbie and Roobarb stop hanging out with the Pirate Parrot, the Philly Phanatic and Youppi! and return to the South Side and if "Bratz" winds up number one at the box office and if the Indians and Tigers both borrow the airplane that used to belong to the Marshall University Athletic Department and if Dwight Schrute is actually put in charge of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin and if those morons ever find their way off the "Lost" island (they did?) and if they can get Juan Uribe out of town by convincing him that Santo Domingo Sancho's Clothing, Ganja and Candy Emporium is having a sale on pants with extra room in the ass. In other words, go ahead and buy that autographed picture of Richard Dotson you always wanted (or even that Milwaukee Brewers hat.. foreshadowing!!!!!). After all, I would not be saving my money for playoff tickets.
* Speaking of Uribe, I am sure that Sox fans were pleased to see him hit a game winning home run on Wednesday night. Thanks for the memories Juan, now take your Rosie O'Donnell model girdle and hit the road. Oh, I'm sure you will have plenty to do next year when you are not making Sox fans long for Mike Caruso and Royce Clayton. Perhaps you and Rey Sanchez can co-write "The Hispanic Ballplayer's Guide to On-Base Percentage." Please send a copy, if you will, to Ronny Cedeno. Oh yeah, and Sancho just announced that all hand guns are now 30% off. The question is not what will you do next year, but rather what won't you do...
* Finally, eventually, almost everyone finds themselves with the need to admit something that may not go over well with loved ones. Bill Clinton had to admit that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Despite being constantly overshadowed by Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Jan Brady had to admit that she did not get the highest score on her essay right in the middle of the school assembly (sure, throw Marcia's trophies, ribbons and photos of Davy Jones in the closet... she will never find them in there. Good plan Jan. Now go get some lemons and go look for your locket). And Bart had to admit that it was he who stole the head of Jebediah Springfield. I am susre that you will agree... it is not easy.
But, the time has come at last as I have finally had enough. I am sick of the snide comments. I am tired of the joy surrounding the injuries to Alphonso and Aramis. I'm over the "pick your favorite Brewer" contests and the fact that Milwaukee hats are among the best sellers at Triple Threat Sports in Mokena makes me nauseous (see... foreshadowing!!!!). I just cannot help but think back to the "free drinks for every home run hit by a Marlin" policies at taverns in Mt. Greenwood and Beverly.
I really hate to paint with a broad brush here and I know that the majority of you who read the RT do not subscribe to the "number one priority is to see the Cubs lose theory," but, like it or not, you are in the vast minority. So, while I have tremendous respect for "Sox Fan Joe" and "Nyco Mark" (look, you even got a moniker... please feel free to pick one of your own!) and Joey Fish and the McGoverns and Dunnes and Bergers, not to mention, most importantly, thewife, I have finally given up. "Parrotpapa" reached his boiling point about three years ago. I was a little more patient, but you know what they say... like father like son.
I will no longer cheer for the Chicago White Sox.
I said it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
* Today's Pop Culture Trivia Question: In the movie where it was bad news to have had the fish, who "pinch hit for Pedro Borbon?" (Please, please someone know this!!!!)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The Return of the Jenius
Look, I am a busy man these days. Very busy. Busy like Mike and Worm when they realized that if they did not come up with $15,000 in five days they would be forced to spend the rest of their days sewing holes in Gramma's holey pajamas or making routine runs to the nearest Dominick's for more Oreos to satisfy Teddy KGB's cravings. Busy like the guy who hands out syringes at the Tour de France. Busy like Jack Bauer on "one of those days."
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
(Actually, come to think of it, with Bauer on the Left Coast and John McClane keeping things in order in the East, things are pretty much taken care of. It is only Chicago that is screwed. The best the Windy City's finest can come up with is an overweight guy with an affinity for shy funeral workers who can't seem to stand up to his overbearing Irish mother. And the Illinois State Police are no better. Heck, these are the guys who made an ill-advised decision to destroy an entire shopping mall just to to chase down a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Memo to Daniel and Mount... you had no chance. They were on a mission).
Anyway, I knew that eventually something would happen that would bring me back. I will admit that I was hoping that it would be a celebration that would bring me out of hiding (by the way, JD Salinger and Alton Benes say hello). Something like a World Series Championship on the North Side. Something like an MVP for Thing One. Something like an announcement that Random Thoughts Hottie #1 is coming to Glen Ellyn. Instead, it is the Cubs performance during their first two-games in Houston and the fact their-play-is-mak-ing-me-as-ang-ry as Michael Vick when "Butkus" doesn't perform as expected. As angry as Michael Vick when being dogged by the feds. And, yes, as angry as Bobby Petrino when he first took the Atlanta Falcons job and realized that his quarterback was... Michael Vick.
After all, it is you, the readers of the RT, that I feel bad for. You have been stuck reading crap from Mariotti, Couch and a Slezak. You have been forced to live with a gaping, unfillable hole in your lives. I feel bad for you, who have had to wait longer than Brady Quinn on draft day, for a fresh dose of Random Thoughts. And, for those of you who have simply gone on about your daily business without even realizing the emptiness in your lives that has been undoubtedly caused by the absence of the RT, I hope you finally realize the truth in the words of 80's bubble-gum rock icon Cinderella... "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)."
Okay, the truth is that the Cubs' recent slide and my concern for your well-being have nothing to do with my return. I just needed to take time off and promised not to blog until Britney became pregnant again. Oh well, that did not last long.
So, let's look at what's been swimming around in my head...
* Alphonso Soriano has a small tear in his quad. Anyone got Henry Rodriguez's phone number? No? Call Pablo's Taco Stand in San Pedro de Macoris. I am sure Tom will make the sacrifice. After all, a little time with Lenny and Squiggy in a Miller Park slammer has got to be worth an improved chance of World Series glory. Oh Henry, indeed!
* Yes, Soriano's name was intentionally mispelled. I figure that there is no way that the guy with only 18 home runs and 42 RBI can be the same guy that the Cubs thought they were getting him when they signed him to a monster contract in the off-season. My biggest problem with Alphonso this year has been his lack of clutch hitting (I can only recall the two-out single against Colorado as a "big hit" this year). Soriano is certainly a great player and he will be missed, but ultimately paying $136 million for him is like paying $80 for a "rare" purple Princess Di Beanie Baby or paying whatever it is Jerry paid for a suede jacket with a candy-stripe lining, only to have it ruined in the snow.
* Yes, I know it was 1803. But Alphonso Soriano's contract is six times what the U.S. paid for the Louisiana Purchase and that deal netted more than 1,700 buffalo, the rights to the Superdome and Wall Drug.
* The Cubs' certainly are doing their best impression of California in the early 2000's by suffering from daily power outages. Come to think of it, anyone got Glenallen Hill's phone number?
* One ludicrous solution: Sammy Sosa. Wait, why is it so ludicrous? Heck, he is currently sitting on the bench with the Rangers and his penchance for swinging and missing at every other pitch will fit right in with a team that recently has been striking out as often as the Shermanator at one of Stifler's parties (for those of you not living on each pitch, the Cubs have struck out 25 times in the last two games!). Better bring the Flintstone vitamins with you, Sammy.
* I suppose we can't be too angry with the Cubs listless performance in last night's 5-2 loss to the Astros. After all they were facing unbeatable Houston right-hander Nolan Ryan, er... Mike Scott, er... J.R. Richard. Wait, you mean to tell me that they were facing Woody Williams? The same Woody Williams who is a 12-game loser and who has given up the most home runs and the second most earned runs in the National League this year?
* At least Weasley (that's Matt Murton to those of you named Jason Bourne) hit a home run. Not to pick on Alphonso too much but Weasley now has only one fewer home runs in 16 at-bats since being recalled from the Wood-Prior Cubs (didn't Iowa officially change their name yet?) as Soriano had in his last 84 at-bats before pulling up Barbaro.
* It is hard to say much negative about Derek Lee. But, I am very concerned about the Cubs' leader and the fact that he has been taking an awful lot of hittable pitches recently. Remember little Tommy Thistlewhistle who played right field for your little league team and was probably only on the team because of the free ice-cream and the fact that the local Chemistry Club was cancelled? He would pick flowers in the outfield and when he batted he would stand there and hope that the pitcher was Michael Wuertz (so he could draw a lead-off walk in the bottom of an inning in a tie game $#!^&*#). Well, in yesterday's game, D Lee struck out twice and all six strikes during the at-bats were called! Derek! You are supposed to be Kelly Leak. Not Thistlewhistle!
* When criticizing Jim Hendry for not making a deadline trade, please try and remember that this is the same guy who acquired Lee for Hee Seop Choi. Ask Choi how that promising major league career has worked out. Last I checked he had lost his job at the Mr. Sparkle factory and was writing fortune cookies in Shanghai. Next time you get one that reads "Your Career Will Spiral Downward More Quickly Than David DuVul," think fondly of Choi.
* Hey! I hear Hello Kitty is hiring. Please send a resume and references to Hello Kitty; 100 Crappy Toy Way, Shanghai. Please send to the attention of Hiring Manager, Shingo Takatsu.
* Truth is Hendry made the right move in passing on all trades (memo to Kenny Williams... Jermaine Dye for Carlos Marmol and another top line prospect? Sure, how about I also trade you a 5,000 square foot condo in Key West and a date with Jessica Biel for a Minneapolis bridge that spans the Mississippi River). As is evident in this post, I believe that Cubs are more than one (or even two) players away from being a legit championship ballclub and it makes no sense to mortgage the future at this point.
* Jimi Hendrix once asked "are you experienced?" So, Mike Fontenot is experienced. Great. The experiment is over.
* The only thing Koyie Hill does worse than hit is spell. In fact, I am convinced that he claims that "Koyie" is pronounced "Coy," because he is too embarrassed to admit that his name is actually pronounced "Catcher Who Stinks at the Plate and Has As Much Chance of Getting a Hit as Steve Carrell Has in Winning An Oscar For His Role in Evan Almighty."
* Ryan Theriot. I really like Ryan Theriot.
* Thewife had what might be the comment of the year immediately before the Cubs' Memorial Day Game. Throwing out the first pitch on that glorious afternoon was an Iraqi war vet who lost both legs in battle. Bob and Len stated that, despite his handicap, he still harbored hopes of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Thewife's comment? "Well, if that does not work out, there is probably still a job for him in the Cubs' bullpen..." The ring...holy crud was that expensive. The wedding... wait how much did we spend for a three hour party again? A comment like that from the better half? Priceless.
* Yes, the bullpen had a nice run for awhile, but given the most recent performances of Dempster, Wuertz and others she may have a point. At least we don't have OhMan! to kick around any more. Welcome Will to the "Crappy Ex-Cubs Left-Handed Relievers Club." Go ahead and take that seat next to Neal Cotts. That guy over there with the walker, getting an IV treatment is Jeff Fassero. Now where did Felix Heredia disappear to? If he locked Mike Remlinger in the bathroom again, he is going to be in big trouble.
* Speaking of the Cubs' bullpen... Whoa! Who introduced Kerry Wood to Jenny Craig? Has he been hanging out with Don Shula, Mike Golic, Dan Marino and Jared the Subway nerd? Quick someone tell Glenallen to bring a box of Krispy Kreme's stat!
* Don't believe in curses? Well, isn't it just a little odd that Kerry makes his first appearance in the same game that Alfophonso limps off the field like Willy Wonka coming out to greet the Golden Ticket holders? Especially given that it was his first appearance since June 6, 2006. Thats 06-06-06... I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
* Overall, Jason Marquis has pitched decently, but I trust him to win a big game about as much as I trust a Lindsey Lohan in a liquor store. All things considered, he failed in Atlanta under the tutelage of masterminds Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone and failed in St. Louis under the guidance of Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan. Are we really to believe that he is going to turn things around and have big game success under Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child? Are we to believe that LaRussa, whose Cardinal ballclub is plagued with terrible starting pitching and likely thinking of bringing back John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar, missed the boat on resigning Jason? Are we to believe that Tony simply fell asleep at the wheel? Never mind...
* Eric-O-Meter: One for three with two Coreyesque strikeouts at the plate, including one with the bases loaded. Looks just like big bro Corey. After the game called Corey to discuss creation of the Corey Hotline. Things that rhyme with Corey... story, gory, allegory, Montessori. Disappointed that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman already own rights. Promised each other not to mention what happened on "The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys" until both have watched it on their TiVos.
* Anyone noticed that every time the WGN or Comcast cameras catch the Cubs trying to use their handy-dandy "high-tech" cell phones to call down to the bullpen, they don't seem to be working? With Dusty this may have been a problem. Good thing Lou is in town. I like my cheeseburgers medium-rare, my milkshakes thick, and my managers when they are more than willing to put their hand through the phone and simply stick their head out of the dugout and yell down to the bullpen, "Hill can't throw the ball over the damn plate again. He sucks. Get Marmol up again!"
* I have saved my two biggest gripes for the end of my discussion of the Cubs... First, we have the team's sudden inability to get runners home from third base with under two outs. As most of you know, this is my number one pet peeve in baseball and I have roundly criticized the Cubs for coming up short in this regard in past years. Yet, the 2007 Cubs seemed to have been doing a better job until recently. In fact, in the last two games, Aramis, ThistleWhistle, er... Lee, Cedeno, DeRosa and the Player About To Suffer My Wrath in the Next Paragraph have all failed to get the job done. Simply stated, at times I feel as though I would rather watch Ted Washington get a sponge bath than watch the Cubs fail in this regard. I hate it. Not sure how else to say it.
* The most agonizing example occured in last night's first inning. Theriot (I like him, did I mention that?) lead off the inning with a four-pitch walk. Fontenot then singled, followed by back-to-back walks to Lee and Cliff "Augie Ojeda" Floyd to force in a run (want to shed the nickname Cliff? Try hitting the ball fair more than 200 feet). That left the Cubs with one run in and the bases loaded with zero out. DeRosa then failed to get the job done by striking out bringing to the plate the Player About to Suffer My Wrath in the Next Sentence. So, keeping in mind that Woody Williams was having more trouble finding the strike zone than Cindy has in trying to find Kitty-Carry-All, what does Einstein Jones do? Swings at the first pitch and pops out to second base! Motherfarker!!!!!
As most of you know, I have a strong dislike for Rex the Wonder Dog, think that A.J. Pierzynski is due for a nasty run-in with a escaped rhinoceros, and would not cry if Hawk Harrelson was unable to some up with the cash and ended up Gramma's beatch. But, as I sit here, my number one target is Jenius Jones. Why? Because not only is he the stupidest ballplayer on the planet, but he also stinks. Period. And I do not want to hear that he has been "hot" since the all-star break. Has his average improved? Yes. But this guy has successful with more texas leaguers than a teenage Paris Hilton at festival of Houston area youth baseball players. How the Cubs can continue trotting him out there night after night is a bigger mystery than what the heck happened at the end of the Sopranos.
* My Bottom Line on the Cubs: Are the Cubs good enough to win the NL Central? The answer is clearly "yes" even without Alphonso in the lineup and even with the fact that this team still has more holes than Snape's underpants. The truth is that the Brewers stink and can't win on the road leaving an opening for the Cubs to climb through if they can just go back to playing fundamentally sound baseball and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. World Series champions? Uh, no. But an NL Central Championship and a first-round waxing by the Mets is still a very-real possibility.
A Few Random Non-Cub Things
* Anyone catch Tom Glavine's 300th win Sunday night? Well, in case you missed it, Tom Glavine was trying to win his 300th career game at Wrigley. Tom Glavine was trying to get the Cubs' hitters out so that he could win his 300th game. And there was a little boy eating peanuts while watching Tom Glavine try and win his 300th game. Tom Glavine only needed one win for career win number 300 and if he got it, he would have won his 300th game. Oh, and look his family is here. And Jermone Bettis is from Detroit. And trans fat is bad for you. And Jessica Alba is hot.
* All kidding aside, Glavine seems like a class act and deserves praise for his accomplishment. He looks like he had a nice family as well. There was his wife Chris (she ain't no Sarah Wood, but hey, way to go Tommy!) and his adorable kids. And then there was his dad and his mom Mildred. Mildred? Wake up Mildred! C'mon Mildred aren't you listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? Tommy is going for his 300th win tonight. Sheesh, that woman smiles less than Michael Barrett at Carlos Zambrano's birthday party.
* Reason # 1,384 Why the Fact that I Am Not On Sports Radio Pisses Me Off: During their show Saturday morning, Bruce Levine and Chet Coppock spent 45 minutes talking about how it was inexcusable for Big Z to not think to drink enough water prior to a game and then have to leave a game due to dehydration. They whined. They complained. And then, looking for validation, they interviewed Tom Glavine who stated that he "never thinks about how much water to drink before a game and that dehydration is reasonable." Cue crickets chirping. Bruce Levine tried to save the interview by following up about a question about the Blackhawks #1 draft selection. Cue backup crickets. Okay, Bruce we get it... Tom Glavine was a terrific hockey prospect coming out of high school. We know. We also get that allowing you to co-host a radio show makes as much sense as inviting Michael Jordan to speak at a marriage counseling seminar.
* In case you have been too busy trying to figure out why the Bulls felt the need to draft a piece of garbage with the ninth pick in the NBA draft, Former Cub Neifi Perez (affectionately known as Thing Two) was suspended 80 days for a third violation of Major League Baseball's substance abuse policy. Turns out our little buddy was a little too enamored with stimulants. Well, it has got to be hard living in a wooden box and being carried around by a deranged cat.
* Fellow former Cub Gary Matthews Jr. also found himself is some hot water after his name was brought up in conjunction with an investigation into a human growth hormone distribution ring. Now, I am not accusing little Sarge of anything, but it is interesting that he suddenly became relevant in 2006 after seven years of uninspired (and by uninspired, I mean crappy) baseball. While, once again, I am not pointing fingers, I do have an important question to ask.... Is Gary Matthews Jr. a card-carrying member of the Jenius Jones Hall-of-Stupidity? I mean, he played for the Cubs in 2000 and 2001 --a time when the Cubs could have desperately used a big bat in the lineup (wait, is there ever a time when the Cubs could not desperately use a big bat in the lineup?). Was he that clueless that he could not find Steroid Sammy's locker? It is the one with the refrigerator sized boom box. You just go past the lump of goo wearing the #9 Hundley jersey, make a right at the Kerry Wood signature model MRI machine, step over the passed out Kyle Farnsworth (careful! You don't want to step on that whiskey bottle), and look for the stack of boxes labeled "cork."
* Finally, former Blackhawk Jeremy Roenick officially retired from hockey by sending a text message to a local reporter. You may think that sending a text message to announce one's retirement is tacky, but do you have any clue how hard it is to speak on the phone with Cherry Luv shaking her thing in your face? Didn't even consider that did you?
Have a great night (week?) (month?) (year?)...
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