Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You... Jamey Carroll and Ryan Braun Star in "The Omen"

Those who were alive will never forget where they were on that fateful day in 1963 when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot while his motorcade rolled down a Dallas city street. And those who weren't too strung out on LSD in the 1970's are likely to remember precisely where they were when Richard Milhous Nixon gave the victory sign with both hands while climbing aboard Army One on the final day of his presidency. Of course, nobody can forget what they were doing when they first heard that an airplane had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. And you can bet Jose Contreras will always remember that he was eating a pressed ham and swiss sandwich and drinking a mojito at Livan's Lunch Counter in Havana and Greg Oden can still picture himself behind the counter at the northside Indiana general store when his good pal James Whitcomb Riley strolled in and gave the shocking news... that President Lincoln had been shot.

Yes, there are certain days that you will never forget.

The MTV generation boasts such days as well. I mean, who doesn't remember where they were when Christa McAuliffe became not only the first teacher to attempt to go up into space but also the first teacher to have 32,754 parts of her body spread over the state of Florida (I, myself, was in an eigth-grade science class). And, I distinctly remember driving to work when the dulcet tones of Barry Keefe of 101.9 The Mix announced that a small propeller plane had crashed into the WTC. And, I am sure that everyone recalls that amazing day in February 1987 when "Over the Top" made its theatrical debut and Sylvester Stallone was launched into the stratosphere of superstardom from which he has never come down. But there is one day that stands out above all of the rest...

Let me caution you from the outset that I am well aware that admitting that I can recall even the most excrutiating details of what happened on September 25, 2004 proves that, at times, my priorities rival those of Homer Simpson when he elected to travel around the country in search of more Ribwich sandwiches rather than watch Lisa compete against the best of the best at the annual Spellympics. What can I say, Popeye? I yam what I yam.

Anyway, Saturday, September 25, 2004 was an absolutely beautiful day. It was sunny and warm with a nice breeze -- not quite strong enough to prevent you from reading the newspaper on the back deck, but definitely powerful enough to make Calista Flockhart think twice about heading outdoors for fear of being blown away. I, of course, wasted the afternoon watching Mark "Where Are They Now" Prior pitch 7 2/3 innings of zero-run, four-hit baseball against the Mets at Shea. And, thanks to a two-run homer by Todd "There Is A Sale on Pantyhose in Aisle Four" Walker, the Cubs carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning.

Looking back, I now realize that there was really no reason to think that anything would go wrong -- outside of the fact that the Cubs are, well, the Cubs. Yet, despite their unfortunate history, the Cubs had won 13 of their last 16 games, held a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card standings, and were facing a Mets team that was 24-44 since the All-Star break and featured such prominent superstars as Eric Valent, Jason Phillips, Orber Moreno (true, he is the most celebrated "Orber" ever to set foot on a major league field -- which is a little like being the greatest Jewish guy from Highland Park ever to play in the NBA), and Victor Diaz.

Oh yeah... Victor Diaz.

Anyway, with one out in the final inning, Ryan Dempster walked the All-World Valent and the "All-LaMesa" Phillips (I just cannot bring myself to even sarcastically call a guy who came into the game with a .218 batting average "All-World" or "All-American" or even "All-San Diego County" so I will settle for his birthplace), before Dusty summoned LaTroy Hawkins from the bullpen. Hawkins helped Cub fans breathe a little easier by retiring "All-St. Luisa's Preschool" Jeff Keppinger, before the aforementioned Victor Diaz belted a 2-2 pitch over the right field scoreboard to tie the game at three.

Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz... Victor Diaz

Despite the fact that I have still not seen a video of the home run since that fateful September day, I can still see it in my mind as clear as day. I can still remember calling Hawkins just about every name in the book (in fact, I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone may have stolen "boner-biting bastard" and "c*ck sucking, *ss lickining, Uncle F*cker from me). I think Boris the Cat may still have a bump from where the remote bonked off of his head. And, finally, I remember curling up on the couch and staring blindly as Craig Brazell would go on to hit his first and only career home run off Kent Mercker in the bottom of the 11th to give the Mets a 4-3 win.

Victor, the hard rock band Skid Row may very well have been talking about you. "Through every sleepless night. Through every endless day. I remember you. Whoa Whoooooaaaaaa!"

So, why have I chosen to take you on this trip down memory lane? Because if the Chicago Cubs do not go on to win the 2007 National League Central Division Crown we may very well look back at Saturday, August 11 as the day that it all began to fall apart (Curse of Kid K, people!).

Now, let me be clear here... it is probably not possible to have a true "Victor Diaz Day" in early August... not with 40-something games left to play. Heck, there is still way too much time for Jenius Jones to embarrass himself during a two hits in 34 at-bats streak, Big Z to lose his mind, ala Ozzy Osbourne, and bite the head off of either a rat or "Are They Really Paying Me For This? Talk About Money For Nothing. Do I Also Get Chicks For Free?" Hill, and Kerry Wood to blow out a flip flip, step on a pop-top, cut his heel and have to limp on back home (naturally putting him on the disabled list until 2012). That said, what happened Saturday night is like winning the lottery by playing the numbers 6-6-6... a bad omen.

And it is not so much what happened to the Cubs that upsets me. Oh sure, I am horrified by the fact that Sean Gallagher and Scott Eyre got hit harder than Buddy Hinton when Peter had finally had enough of his teasing Cindy because she spoke with a lisp. There is no doubt that giving up 13 runs in 2 1/3 innings is bad, but what has me really concerned is what happened in the Brewers game.

For those of you who were too busy watching Sex Talk With Sue Johansen to pay attention Saturday night, the Brew Crew was trailing Houston 4-0 with two outs in the top of the seventh, scored a run to cut the lead to 4-1, added two in the top of the eighth to make it 4-3, and took a 6-4 lead on a two-out home run by Victor Diaz, er, Ryan Braun (on an 0-2 pitch no less). It was the kind of game that makes you believe that perhaps it is Milwaukee and not the Cubs that is truly destined to win the National League Central crown.

And haven't we seen a team that boasts Bob Uecker as it's play-by-play guy go from the bottom of the cellar to the top of the heap in record time before? Let's just say that if the Brewers sign Jake Taylor or Wild Thing Vaughn, I am giving up and focusing my attention on football, whether Rex the Wonder Dog can make intelligent decisions this year and handicapping "America's Got Talent" (for the record, Rex, it turns out entered the wrong contest when he bowed out in the first round of "America's Got Good Decision Making Skills").

The bottom line is that I have this awful feeling that, come October, if, rather than watching thousands of 18-year old "Cub fans" who would not know Don Kessinger from Henry Kissinger, have no memory of the fabulous mustache of Dick Tidrow and think that Ty Waller is that carpenter guy who hosts Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crowd Waveland Avenue waiting for Weasley to send a ball high and deep into the night, Cubs fans are relegated to combing the shops looking for the perfect Karl Rove Halloween costume and watching Derrick Turnbow become the ugliest man to play in a post season baseball game since Jim Leyritz, we will look back on August 11 with dismay.

* The biggest villain Saturday night was Rockie Jamey Carroll who hit a two-out pinch-hit, grand slam off Rich Hill to give Colorado a 6-2 lead. Last week we welcomed Will Oh Man! to the "Crappy Ex-Cub Left-Handed Relievers Club" (hey, is that Mark Guthrie back from his vacation to Suckville? Welcome back! Did you eat at Karen's Krappy Kitchen? I hear the Stinkburgers are delicious!) and this week we welcome Jamey to the "Crappy Players Who Kill the Cubs" Club. Yes, that is Jeff Blauser's photograph on the membership card (he gets in the club both as a result of his performance against and for the Cubs).

And Carroll's grand slam is just the coup de gras. Thus far in 2007, Jamey is hitting .364, has a 1.091 slugging percentage, has clubbed two home runs and has eight RBI against the North Siders. Against the rest of the league, he is hitting .232, slugging .315, has nary a home run and only 10 RBI. In other words, he hits a home run every 5.5 at-bats and has driven in eight runs in only 11 at-bats against the Cubs, while we are still waiting for his first home run and he has driven in ten in 171 at-bats against the rest of the league. Ouch!

Further, unlike the success of Ace of Base, Carroll's success against the Cubs is not a one-year, freak thing. In 2006, he batted 117 points higher, has a slugging percentage that was more than 400 points higher, hit a home run every 12 at-bats and drove in a run every four at-bats against Hill, Wuertz and the rest of Larry Roth-s-child's gang of merry men. Against the rest of the league, he hit a home run every 113 at-bats and drove in a run every 13 1/2. In other words, Jamey must look forward to playing the Cubs like Cartman looks forward to a powdered donut pancake surprise and Kobe Bryant used to look forward to relaxing vacations at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera***

* Wow! Jenius Jones is hotter than the pool scene in Wild Things. Do I owe him an apology? Did Coronel Nathan R. Jeesep apologize for ordering the Code Red? Did Hanke apology for not letting George squeeze his big head through the neck hole of his sweater? Did Zack ever apologize to Mr. Belding for making his life a living hell. In other words... no.

* Finally, yes, I did anger thewife with my admission last week that I will no longer cheer for the White Sox and I am genuinely sorry that I upset her. That said, I would like to share with all of you a quick story about what type of a person I married. My son, Ryan, shares a birthday with Prince William, the actor who played Stephen Keaton on Family Ties, and certified nutjob Juliette Lewis -- June 21 and this year we held his family birthday party on Saturday, June 23. June 23, you see, is the same day that the Cubs and Sox were playing game two in their weekend series at U.S. Comiskular. Despite the fact that she knew that we were going to have a house full of born-and-bred Sox fans, she went out before the party and bought him a Cubs hat. I think this story speaks for itself.

Have a great day...

***I am interested in what else are famous and infamous people looking forward to? For example, our good friend Todd is probably looking forward to the "free preview" weekend on Skin-a-max, All Hail the Chief may be looking forward to Saturday, September 8 when the Fightin' Illini football team gets to square off against the Leathernecks of Western Illinois and Orange Whip cannot wait for the Dee Brown book signing... Be creative and post a comment (yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you all to comment!)