Our House...Which Is Where We Used to Meet...

Before we continue our look at how things stand in the world of college basketball only ten days before the field of 65 is announced, I'd like to make a quick mention of Bobby Jenks' shoulder injury. Various media outlets have reported that Jenks left yesterday's Cactus League opener with tightness in his shoulder after facing only two batters. The big question is...exactly how did the injury occur?

Look, everyone is going to believe whatever it is they want to believe. For example, if it really makes him feel better, Kenny Williams should feel free to believe that Bobby simply overthrew a curveball and, if it helps him sleep through the night, Ozzie should not hesitate to convince himself that this is just another example of the normal aches and pains that every pitcher suffers through during spring training. And Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark, Bruuuuuuuuce Levine and others can wax poetic about how Bobby's injury is the result of his having been thrown immediately into the fray after months of sitting on the couch and doing nothing but eating cheesy poofs and snaky cakes while watching reruns of Smokey and the Bandit.

You, the loyal readers of the RT know better though, don't you? For you, Hector, Michael and Tiffani (especially you, Tiffani), I have some bad news. The sheriff is at the door and the summons is in the mail.

Anyway, let's get back to the Madness! [throw arms in the air and shake wildly]

MID AMERICAN CONFERENCE

Big Questions

1. If the NBA had adopted a rule prohibiting players from playing in the league until after they had spent four years in college, would Akron be a legitimate title contender? Unfortunately for the denizens of the birthplace of Quaker Oats and Alcoholics Anonymous, the answer is... no. A lot of "experts" truly believe that native son LeBron James would have attended school at Akron, but the RT remains more than a little skeptical. Akron University certainly is a nice little school, but what do they really have to offer? You know that Kentucky would have sent a briefcase of money, Jimmy Collins would have offered $80,000 and a shiny new Chevy Blazer, and UCLA would have proffered up the ultimate temptation... a date with Victoria (if you do not remember the Victoria story, please see the post from March 7, 2006... it's worth the trip). And can you imagine the free shoes that would have been offered? We're talking Converse Weapons, Nike Air Flight Max, Reebox Skywalkers,and those really cool black, red and white Air Jordans from the 80's. Heck, the University of Kansas City-Missouri probably would have dangled a pair of circa 1984 KangaROOS. Akron, on the other hand, likely could not have enticed King James with anything more than a ratty old pair of Zips.

2. If the MAC boasts Western Michigan University, Eastern Michigan University and Central Michigan University, why isn't there a Southern Michigan or Northern Michigan? The answer is really rather simple... because Notre Dame's non-conference schedule was already full.

Projection: The Rockets will please that little Asian kid from the mid-80's commercial who reminded everyone that United Airlines flies also to Toe-Lee-doh, Oh-high-oh (please, someone remember this...)

MID CONTINENT CONFERENCE

Big Question

1. Perchance, young chap...do you kindly believe that a tournament triumph shall be ours and fabulous glory shall be bestowed upon thy Gentlemen from Centenary University? A: I am sorry to inform you Sir Rutherford Beckley Rockefeller, but the students at Centenary who are expecting the gents to go dancin' this year, will be as disappointed as the Fresh Prince when he asked his mom for Adidas and she bought him Zips. And can you believe that the girl he picked up was actually a 12-year old runaway?

Projection: Oral Roberts won at ICBTGOAGADFTU this season and has a fair amount of talent. Alums Kathie Lee Gifford and Ned Flanders will be pleased.

MEAC

Big Question

1. Why does Hampton University insist on having a Pirate as its mascot? I guess for the same reason that Britney Spears still has a hairbrush and a bunch of idiots decided to name their establishment Ruth's Chris Steakhouse... to confuse the heck out of everyone. Regardless of what it says on their official website, on the front of their uniforms and in their locker room, I know Hampton's nickname is actually the Clams and you know their nickname is actually the Clams. Now, we just have to convince the administration.

Projection: Clams, Pirates, Woodpeckers, Hampsters, Roads, Inns, Dans... it simply does not matter what Hampton calls themselves. Regardless, they will be watching as the Hornets of Delaware State celebrate a conference title and trip to the Dance.

BTW, does anyone actually know what Ruth's Chris Steakhouse means?

MISSOURI VALLEY

Cause I'm a Dancin', Dancin', Dancin', Dancin' Machine

* Southern Illinois (24-5; Conference Champs, #5 RPI)

Bubble

* Creighton (Swept Missouri State and Bradley; Beat Xavier OOC; 13-5 in MVC)
* Missouri State (Resume looks similar to last year's when they were relegated to the NIT; neutral court OOC win over Wisconsin looks great)

Big Questions

1. Exactly how good is Southern Illinois? It's tough to say. Their best OOC wins came against hot/cold Virginia Tech and overrated Butler (albeit on the Bulldogs' home court) and they whiffed in opportunities against IU and Arkansas. They have a veteran-laden team that plays in your-face-defense, but, like Jon Fabreau's character in Swingers, they often have trouble scoring. I don't see them as a Final Four contender, but (and it pains me to say this) the Salukis are definitely capable of winning a few games the first weekend.

2. Why did Evansville do away with the sleeves and switch to tank tops like everyone else? It's simple...peer pressure. Greg Brady gave cigarette smoking a try, Sandy let Frenchy pierce her ears, and Bart stole the head of Jebidiah Springfield (although, technically, that was more to impress). Evansville has just proven that they are weak. Terribly weak.

3. So, how exactly can Bradley win the Conference Tournament? It's really quite simple. Braves coach Jim Les, are you listening? It is essentially a 8-step process. (1) Go down North University Street until you get to West Bradley Avenue. (2) Make a left onto Institute Place and enter a residential section. (3) I can't tell you the exact apartment number, but I believe the name of the complex is "Joe-Bag-O-Donuts Village." Look for the mailbox with the name "Nicky Potato Salad." (4) In the third bedroom on the right, look in the false ceiling in the closet. There you will find Erdman's old porn collection. (5) Distribute to the opposing team's players the night before the game to sap their energy. (6) Win. (7) Celebrate with a trip to Big Al's. (8) Tell Silky Sue that Todd sends his regards.

Projection: Oh crudballs! Patrick O'Bryant already found Erdman's copy of "Suzie Slut Sees Her Doctor" and "Foxy Felicia Feels Fabulous Felix." Looks like it is party time for the Missouri State Bears. The Bears' win sends them to the Dance as the third team out of the Valley with SIU and Creighton. Billy PACCker weeps, wondering why Wake Forest was, like Macauley Caulkin as Kevin McCallister, left home.

MOUNTAIN WEST

Everybody Dance Now! Duh...Duh...Duh, Duh, Duh

* UNLV (RPI#12, won at Nevada, Texas Tech; 11-4 in conference)
* Air Force (Worse resume than "experts" portray; may actually qualify more as a bubble team, but I learned my lesson last year)
* BYU (Outright conference leaders; did NOTHING OOC)

Bubble

* San Diego State (Coming on strong. I can't imagine that they actually lost Tuesday night against a terrible Utah team, but let me check the scores just in case... Whoops! So long Steve Fisher. Take your autographed photo of Rumeal Robinson and enjoy the NIT)

Big Questions

1. Does Air Force have enough left to make a second straight appearance in the Tournament? Physically... yes. Mentally... maybe. Financially... um, no. The Air Force is spread awfully thin right now. Their presence is needed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and potentially in North Korea, not to mention the always-possible need to join Captain Steve Hiller and Harry Connick Jr. in stopping the aliens from taking over our cities (and I'm willing to bet that trips to Big Al's, have now replaced smoking cigars as the preferred way to celebrate). So, no... unlike last year, Air Force does not have enough cash left over to take care of all nine committee members.

(For the official record, I do believe that the Falcons will be in the Field of 65. They just may have to offer free joy rides in stealth bombers and things like that).

2. How can youngsters who play for Wyoming and Colorado State expect to compete against BYU? Many teams in the Mountain West have found out that it is not an easy task. You send out fresh-faced 18 and 19 year olds, who think that Dr. Dre (the pot-smoking one, not the fat guy from MTV), Coolio and 3rd Rock From the Sun are old school, and the Cougars send out guys who have been on a "mission" and believe that Huey Lewis & The News and Growing Pains are old school (and possibly even a few guys who think that Tony Orlando and I Love Lucy are old school). BYU will be dancin' and it will be necessary for whatever team faces them in the first round to find a way to steal their geritol to counteract the "experience" difference.

3. Does any team in the MWC have a player with a name that is as cool as Fennis Dembo? Not quite, but BYU does have a Brock Zylstra and a Vuk Ivanovic; UNLV has a Wink Adams and a Gaston Essengue (hey, isn't that the guy from Beauty and the Beast who wanted to marry Belle?); San Diego State has a Jer'Vaughn Johnson; Wyoming has a Bienvenu Songondo; Utah has a Misha Radojevic (god bless the Euros for sending such talent); and TCU has a Martiese Morones and a Femi Ibikunle (you too, Africa!). And Colorado State has four guys named Smith but none of them are related.

Projection: Heck, these teams are all mediocre. The conference tournament is in Vegas, so I will go with the Runnin' Rebels to get the automatic bid and Air Force and BYU to join them in getting fitted for dancing shoes. After all, I will take a Kevin Kruger over a Femi, Bienvenu and Vuk anyday. And unlike Belle (and Tim Hardaway), I am okay with a guy named Gaston.

NORTHEAST

Big Question

1. Is there a university anywhere, let alone the Northeast Conference, with a cooler name than Wagner? Make fun all you want, but I do not see any Chiet, Grabiner, Piscopo, Schulman, Farrington, McCarty, or thewife universities out there. There is a Simon Fraser, but, unless they change their name to Simon Newman, it does not count. So, yes, Wagner is the coolest name for a university, although the basketball teams sucks and some guy named Eric Central Connecticut State strenuously objects to my conclusion.

Projection: Party on, Eric. Your Blue Devils will be playing in Dayton on Tuesday, March 13.

OHIO VALLEY

Big Question

1. Samford is not a bad name for a university, but where did his son go? I guess, the same place Mr. King went when Mrs. King met the scarecrow and the "of doom" went when Temple came up with its name. Yes, I know it was Sanford with an 'n' and I appreciate that Mrs. King was divorced. Thanks for ruining my fun. Jerk.

Projection: Austin Peay fans have not been this excited since the Governors beat Illinois in 1987 and Dick Vitale had to stand on his head. They may not have Fly Williams anymore, nor a classic chant ("Open the Fly, Let's Go Peay!), but Austin Peay will be the OVC's representative in the tournament.

PAC 10

Let's Dance...Put on Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues

* UCLA (Phenomenal resume will get Bruins #1 seed)
* Washington State (23-5, 12-4 in Pac 10; swept 'Zona and won at USC; poor OOC, though)
* Arizona (Top-15 RPI; OOC wins over Memphis, UNLV, Louisville, Illinois)
* USC (conference record of 11-5; swept 'Zona and won at Oregon; Not much OOC; questionable RPI of 51; hot cheerleaders)
* Oregon (22-7; 12-0 OOC; beat Georgetown; swept Wash St.)

Bubble

* Stanford (RPI is troubling at #45; beat UCLA, Wash St, and won at UVA; lost to Santa Clara and Steve Nash did not play)

Big Questions

1. Is that really Tim Floyd roaming the sidelines for USC? Yep, it certainly is Jerry Krause's fishing buddy in the baggy shirt and crooked tie. The Trojans hired Tim in 2005, after numerous coaches turned USC down. Paul Westhead refused to leave the Phoenix Mercury, Kevin Loughery said he was much too busy with his new endeavor -- the Chicago Shamrox, and USC boosters were unable to break Stan Albeck out of his rehabilitation center. Further, Doug Collins turned down the job after the university was unwilling to give him Reggie Bush's old house and Phil Jackson declined to even interview unless any potential deal included unfettered access to the chancellor's daughter. It's all worked out for USC, though, as Floyd has the ultra-athletic Trojans potentially primed for a run in the NCAA, as long as the California undergrads don't come up with another diabolical scheme to destroy Gabe Pruitt's focus (I told you...see March 7, 2006!).

2. Can Washington State make noise in the Pac 10 and NCAA Tournaments? Anytime your coach is named Tony Bennett, no one will doubt that you can make noise... beautiful noise. Singing, however, is not likely to get the job done. The Cougars would be better served to stick with what has worked for them so far this year and just continue to lull everyone to sleep with their boring, methodical play. It may not be very much fun to watch, but it has been effective so far and there is little reason to think that it won't be in the postseason. Good night. Pleasant dreams.

3. Can Oregon trust Aaron Brooks to put the team on his shoulders and carry them far into March? Are you kidding me? Have you seen this guy play? Twenty-five interceptions and only sixteen TDs in the last two years! Boneheaded play after boneheaded play! Stupidity that reminds people of the glorious Henry Burris experiment! Oh! You mean the point guard for Oregon. Oh yeah, he's good.

Projection: Stanford joins the other five locks in the Dance giving the Pac 10 six total bids. UCLA is a true national title contender

PATRIOT

Big Question

1. Will Corey Dillon return to the team next year? A: I'd say no. New England knows that they have a future superstar in Lawrence Mulroney and Dillon's skills have been deteriorating the past couple of years. Rumor has it that he can only carry two stolen TVs out of an apartment now, whereas, in his days as a Bengal, he was able to carry four or even five if it meant Rudi Johnson would come down with an ankle injury.

Projection: I'd list the current odds as follows: Patriots: 20-1; Another NFL Team: 10-1; California Penal League: 1-2. Crud, I did it again, didn't I? Better go with Holy Cross.

SOUTHEASTERN COFERENCE

Hey Macarena! Hoy!

* Florida (Struggling recently but still has a terrific resume, overall. Likely a #1 or #2)
* Vanderbilt (Swept Kentucky, beat Tenn and Erin Andrews University; 10-5 in SEC)
* Kentucky (Resume is good, but not great; Win over Tenn and OOC victories over IU and at Louisville)
* Tennessee (RPI #8; struggles on road, Star Chris Lofton did not play in a few of their losses)

Bubble

* Alabama (20-9 is not bad, but 7-8 in SEC West is; No signature win)
* Arkansas (RPI poor at #57; likely to enter Selection Sunday with at least 13 losses; did sweep Bama and has OOC neutral court wins over SIU and West Virginia)
* Georgia (Leading scorer Mike Mercer done for season; 19-11 screams NIT; 3-8 on road)
* Ole Miss and Mississippi State (No and No)

Big Question

1. Not a question, but rather a public service announcement... If you happen to find the Gators' enthusiasm, energy and intensity, please forward to Billy Donovan, unless you are Billy Paccker, in which case, you should forward it to Billy Dunavan. And if you happen to see Steve Alford walking down the street, please steal his industrial strength bottle of hairspray and send that along as well. Thank you.

2. Was Vanderbilt offended by the RT's allegation that Will Perdue works at Wal-Mart? Yes and they want everyone to know the truth. Will does not work at Wal-Mart. Rather, he is now gainfully employed at K-Mart (the store, not the former Cincinnati Bearcat).

3. Who is the RT's favorite Wildcat? I have got to go with either Cerulo for his inhuman ability to smash his head into a locker or Phillip Finch for his inhuman ability to eat 238 twinkies in a single sitting. Oh, you meant, Kentucky Wildcat? Ashley Judd, then.

BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION...BONUS QUESTION

4. What was more shocking, Bruce Pearl's uncovered hairy chest painted orange or Pat Summitt in a cheerleading outfit? Wow...tough question. Both coaches have legitimate chances to take their teams far into the tournament and both have shown unrivaled school spirit. I have to go with Pearl, due to the pure fact that the visual made me and millions like me, terribly queasy. So queasy, in fact, Jimmy Collins has offered Bruce a brand new Chevy Blazer to never do that again (see, it all ties together). Now, let's see Peyton Manning sing a duet with LeeAnn Rimes. That would be shocking!

Projection: Alabama is one of the toughest teams to predict. The Tide has tremendous talent, however, and it says here that they make a little run in the SEC Tournament and join the other four locks in the dance. Forrest Gump will be so proud.

SOUTHERN CONFERENCE

Bubble

* Appalachian State (21-6 with OOC wins over Virginia, VCU and Vanderbilt; Lost to Furman and Elon. Elon!)
* Davidson (17-1 in conference and 24-4 overall; same number of top-100 RPI wins as Adams College and Adams college has Betty Childs).

Big Question

* Is it really possible for the Southern Conference to get two bids to the Tournament? Unfortunately, I do not think so. Appalachian State has the better OOC resume, but Davidson finished a full two games ahead of the Mountaineers in conference. And Davidson is hampered by the "Alpha Beta Rule." Simply stated, any team that has the same number of quality wins as the team coached by John Goodman and quarterbacked by Stan Gable is not allowed in the Dance as an at-large... ever. Yes, comparing football to basketball is like comparing apples to oranges. I already told you to stop ruining my fun. Ultra-jerk.

Projection: Davidson versus Appalachian State will be a great game in the Southern Conference Tournament final. I like Appalachian State to pull off the victory after the Davidson team bus has an unfortunate run-in with Ogre on its way the the arena.

SOUTHLAND

Big Question

1. Will the entire Northwestern State team grow afros in time for their Southland Conference Tournament game in hopes of capturing last season's postseason magic? A:It is simply not possible. Jared Stevenson, Michael McConathy and John Anthony Anglin are all white and guard Jermaine Spencer is still traumatized by the really bad experience he had while getting a haircut from Ice Cube who was overly concerned about whether he should sell the barbershop or not. And if you think that is bad, teammate Demetrius Bell refuses to even talk about what happened to him when he tried to get his hair cut at a Queens, New York barbershop. Thus far, all he has done is mutter something about Rocky Marciano beating Joe Louis' ass and tell jokes about finding a fly in your soup. So, unless the Demons recruit Julius Erving from his ABA days, Neil Diamond from his Song Sung Blue days, and Jimmie Walker from his J.J. days, it ain't gonna happen. Dy-no-mite!

Projection: Sam Houston State upsets Northwestern State and wins the Southland title after Foxxy Cleopatra (that's Beyonce in Austin Powers, folks) refuses to play for the Demons and Sam Houston comes out with guns-a-blazin'. Gus Johnson, calling the Sam Houston game for CBS, immediately asks, "What in the heck is a Bearkat and where did the guy who came up with that spelling graduate from? Libscomb?"

SUN BELT

Big Question

Ahhhh... we have a guest who would like to answer a question. Hello Chris Marcus. How is life as the world's largest movie usher? Great, now what is your question?

1. What can we do to get Grimace (aka Big Red) into the NCAA Tournament? A: Look, I love the Hilltopper as much as anyone. Anyone who has seen my napkin drawing of the lovable guy will attest to that. But let's hold on just a second. Doesn't everyone want to have a chance to chant "USA! USA! USA!" without having to listen to Al Michaels in the background? Thanks for the question Chris. Now go back to Russia.

Projection: You there, tubby, please go get Mike Eurozione. And you in the green shirt, but down your Guinness and go get Jack O'Callahan. Tell Jim Craig we've got a keg. Dig up the bones of Herb Brooks. Now all together... USA! USA! USA!

(That's the University of South Alabama for those of you who are really confused).

SWAC

Big Question

1. Never mind. Enjoy the play-in game.

Projection: Uh...um...uh...let's see. Uh... Oh, boy. Walter Payton went to Jackson State.

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer...

* Nevada (25-2 overall; ten top-100 RPI wins, but none of them are top-50)

Big Question

1. With Nevada the favorite to win the WAC Tournament, are there any sleeper teams that the Wolfpack need to be afraid of? A: Oh yeah. How about the Boise State Broncos? Nevada may build up a big lead and things may look bleak for BSU, but just when Nick Fazekas appears ready to dump the Gatorade over coach Mark Fox's head, the Broncos are apt to pull-out some razzle, dazzle to shock the world. We are talking crazy stuff. Stuff like the Harlem Globetrotters weave, the Phoenix Gorilla's trampoline jump and, if they can get away with it, the 15-point MTV Rock 'n' Jock basket. And, if you do not believe me, give Bob Stoops a call.

No engagements though, please.

Projection: Hold the Gatorade, boys. Nevada may be going dancing, but they will get in via an at-large bid. Playing on their home court, Reggie Theus' New Mexico State Aggies will upset the Wolfpack and steal the automatic bid. No confirmation yet regarding whether Orlando Woolridge, Crash Mengelt, and Dave Corzine will be there to witness it.

WEST COACH CONFERENCE

Bubble

* The Overrated Little School in the Northwest (Poor RPI of 69; killer non-conference schedule; did beat UNC)

Big Question

1. Now that Adam Morrison is shooting 38.2% from the field in the NBA, does the RT still dislike the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are very few things that you can always count on. John Madden will always mention Brett Favre. During every IU game that he calls, Dick Vitale will always rant and rave about how Indiana should name the court at the real Assembly Hall after Bob Knight. Rex Grossman will ALWAYS suck. And, like Hawk Harrelson and A.J. Pierzynski, the RT will always hate the Overrated Little School in the Northwest.

Projection: Time to go out on a limb. How about the University of San Francisco? As mentioned earlier, #2 seed Santa Clara no longer has Steve Nash and Pepperdine won't get to don headbands and play a Bob Knight coached team. As for the Overrated Little School in the Northwest? Don't worry...I'm sure that Ron Santo will let you borrow some of his kleenex.

Enjoy the Madness everyone!!!!!

See you next week...