The Missing Piece

Corey McFerrin is talking about it. Harry Teinowitz is talking about it. Mike Mulligan is talking about it. Heck, Jim Hendry may even be talking about it.

The one reason the Cubs have vastly underperformed this year. The one reason the team's offense has more difficulty scoring than a straight, white woman at a Ricky Martin concert. The reason that Carlos Marmol cannot throw strikes, Alfonso Soriano's batting average is now lower than my cholesterol level, and Lou has morphed into some strange Dusty Baker - Bruce Kimm hybrid. Possibly even the reason that Hasbro Suckstein forgot how many outs there were.

Heck, even the Random Thoughts has alluded to it at times.

Yes friends, we are talking about the absence of Mark DeRosa from the 2009 Chicago Cubs lineup.

I mean, consider the effect that losing DeRosa has had on the team and think about what the team would look like with his bat in the middle of the order. Need someone on base? Well, there's Mark and his .999 on base percentage. DeRosa, after all, gets on base more often than the aforementioned Soriano walks back to the dugout with his head down after wildly flailing at a 52-foot slider.

Need someone to hit a big home run? Yes sir, there's Mark and his 42 homeruns and 97 RBI. I always knew that Jae Kyuk Ryu was Korean for base-on-balls, but who knew that Sadahara Oh was Japanese for Mark DeRosa? Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds did not take steroids. They took Mark DeRosa pills.

Need clutch hitting? How about Mark and his .987 batting average? At this rate, DeRosa is going to have more hits in a six month span than the Beatles. After all, did you know that the only two official plate appearances this year when Mark did not get credited with a hit were when he wanted to get a 14-0 game over as quickly as possible so as to not miss his appointment visiting sick kids in the hospital and when he hit a home run but intentionally missed first base because he did not want the pitcher to feel bad.

How about versitility? Mark is well known for being able to do everything on a baseball field. In his Atlanta days, he played all nine positions, sold popcorn at the concession stand, consulted with Jane Fonda on her workout videos, and used mind control to keep John Rocker out of trouble. Then he moved on to Texas, where, yep, he played all nine positions, sold BBQ at the concession stands, offered relationship counseling to Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, and figured out who really shot J.R. And now he is in Cleveland where he, you guessed it, plays all nine positions, bangs the big drum in centerfield, keeps JoBu plied with rum, acts as Ricky Vaughn's defense attorney, and magically repaired Jake Taylor's knees. In fact, I think LeBron James may actually be Mark DeRosa in disguise.

Want to know what hangs on the wall in the living room of the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World? An autographed photo of DeRosa.

So, can you imagine what he would be able to do if he were in Chicago? Last year, he hit .763 with 116 HR and 428 RBI, saved three kids from being hit in the head with falling concrete at Wrigley, and redesigned Ronny's prothesis. This year, there is no doubt that he would be able to cure Aramis' shoulder injury, jump in the air and block the sun every time a fly ball is hit to Hasbro Suckstein, and keep Big Z calmer than a field mouse on tranquilizers. Keep DeRosa and the Cubs are 60-0. Mike Fontenot is still Little Babe Ruth. The Gatorade Machine still has a future. Random Thoughts Hottie #1 would pick my living room as the place to watch Cubs' games.

(Sorry Mrs. Cotts. Neal Cotts is still Neal Cotts. Nothing he could do about that. I said the guy is Mark DeRosa, not Brett Favre).

Look, Mark DeRosa is a nice player. Nice guy, excellent with the media and apparently a good clubhouse presence. But, c'mon people. Let's not overstate his value. Everytime I turn on sports talk radio, I hear the same thing... "The Cubs trading Mark DeRosa makes as much sense as hiring Rod Blagojvich to teach an ethics class." or "When Hendry traded DeRosa he must have been as confused as Chastity Bono." You'd think that the Cubs traded Brock for Broligio.

In retrospect, was trading DeRosa for three sticks of chewing gum, an old sweat sock and a used beta copy of Trading Places a good idea? No. Is it possible the the absence of DeRosa from the clubhouse has had a negative effect on the entire team? Yes. But, lets remember that he is Mark DeRosa and not act like he is Willie Mays, Albert Pujols or Roy Hobbs. OK?

Now, on the other hand, if you are talking about the nonsensical release of Daryle Ward...