On to Monte Carlo...

Welcome to the third and final installment of the 2006 Rick Springfield Fan Club Fantasy Football League Season Preview!

Finally, we turn our attention to the Monte Carlo Division, where you always double down on 11 (just ask Jon Favreau's character in Swingers), can see Lance Burton turn a rat into a goblet without the use of the transfiguration spell “Fera Verto,” and the 2006 models come with a base 3.5 liter V6, 210 horsepower engine and will get you made fun of when racing Craterface at Thunderoad.

Nickel Slots (Tom Piscopo)

Quarterback: Eli Manning is roundly considered one of the game's next superstars. His 24 touchdowns in 2005 lend at least some credence to the argument, but his 52.8% completion percentage is awfully troubling. After all 52.8 is pretty good percentage if you are talking about the percentage of Emmanuelle movies that you have watched during the 11:00 pm hour on Skin-a-Max, but isn't a number you are looking for when you are an NFL quarterback. To help hammer the point home, Eli's completion percentage in '05 was below Kelly Holcomb's, Brooks Bolliger's, Ken Dorsey's and Joey Harrington's. Now, Nickel Slots can easily point to the fact that completion percentage means about as much to fantasy football as the fact that all of Private James Francis Ryan's brothers has been killed meant to Captain Miller's platoon, a point which is tough to argue. Of course, he can also take comfort in the fact that Manning's percentage bested those posted by Kyle the Bearded Lady (51.7), Bradlee Van Pelt (who apparently lost his 'y' in a poker game. Hey, maybe Dyan Cannon won it!), and Rex the Wonder Dog, who the Chicago Media will still try and convince us has more tools than Tim Taylor and Bob Vila combined. Comfort. Yeah. Comfort. Backup Trent Green will look fantastic this season turning around and handing off to Larry Johnson 35 times per game. Hey, you'd give the ball to LJ to, if the option was throwing to Samie Parker. Perhaps the Slots will petition to have handoffs completed without incident worth points. Grade: B (C'mon, I don't honestly believe that Eli is that bad).

Running Backs: Rudi Johnson is nothing if not consistent. After rushing for 1,454 yards in 2004, he rumbled for 1,458 yards last season. Let's be optimistic and assume that his improvement continues at its current pace, resulting in 1,462 yards this year. The problem with Rudi is that his play is like the movie Pearl Harbor. You have to sit through a miserable beginning to finally get to the fireworks later (two TDs in his first eight games, 10 in the final eight contests last year). Willie Parker may finally get the goal-line carries in Pittsburgh now that Jerome Bettis has finally parked the bus for good. Hey, did you know that Bettis is from Detroit? If Parker fails in his new role and Bettis refuses to pull a Michael Jordan and come out of retirement, Coach Bill Cowher may need to give behemouths Natrone Means or Marion Butts a call and if he can't find them, I'd try the window table at San Diego Sizzler. Regardless of whether he gets the stripe looks, Parker will be solid. Frank Gore is a favorite sleeper of the so-called experts, but remains an unknown. Two knee injuries in college and the fact that he plays for the 49ers, who need a serious talent upgrade just to be considered bad and would probably have trouble beating Mt. Carmel, raises significant red flags. Marion Barber could be a major surpise should Cowboy starter Julius Jones get injured and adds depth. Grade: B (There are just too many questions about Gore to give the Slots anything higher).

Wide Receivers: In early 2002, Tobey Maguire was one of those actors whose name everyone recognized, but nobody could quite remember what movies he had been in or what he looked like. Then Spiderman was released and everyone suddenly knew precisely who he was. Chris Chambers' career thus far has been like Maguire's before he was cast as Peter Parker. Sure, you knew his name, but... This is the year he becomes a bona fide star. When Keenan McCardell's career started The Golden Girls was still on the air. With Phillip Rivers under center, the days of the 1,000 yard season have gone the way of the eight-track tape. 800 yards and 5-6 TD is realistic. Kevin Curtis is an excellent sleeper pick who should take over for Isaac Bruce once Bruce gets hit by a bus while bending down to pick up his AARP card. Braylon Edwards is also a terrific sleeper pick if Browns' QB can get him the ball. You know what Travis Taylor's problem is? He sucks. And that is a tough problem to have. Grade: B- (I love Chambers, but in grading Slots' wide receivers, I cannot assume that either sleeper will wake up).

Tight End: Let's see... there was Kenickie. There was Doody and Sonny. Of course, there was Danny Zucko. And there was the appropriately named Putzie. But, wasn't there one more Thunderbird? Charlie Hippy? Carl Ciggy? Chris Cooley? Yeah, I think it was Chris Cooley. Nice jacket. I think I saw Dallas Clark in the background during the dance scene lusting after Cha Cha DiGregorio. Oh yeah, as tight ends, I suppose they are decent enough. They could probably make the Rydell High varsity and catch passes from Lorenzo Lamas. Grade: B

Kicker and D/ST: I think Jason Elam has been on the Nickel Slots (nee Krivo25) since the RSFC league was born. Tom wanted him badly enough, that he drafted him in the 11th round. To draft a kicker that high, I hope he came with a George Plimpton endorsed hot plate. And look! A second kicker! Ryan Longwell is also on the roster. That's an interesting strategy and by interesting, I mean stupid (once again, this is my opinion). At least Elam is an excellent kicker. The Bears defense is arguably the best in the league although I remain concerned over the continued employment of Charles Tillman and the possibility that Mike Brown's leg might fall off. Grade: A-

X-Factor: Wille Parker. If Parker does end up getting the goal line carries, he could have a monster season. You know that Pittsburgh will remain committed to the run and Parker will get the vast majority of the action. If Parker produces like he is capable, he will gain his membership card to Studville and help solidify Tom's team.

Overall: A collection of good, but not great, players makes for a good, but not great, fantasy football team. There is a fair amount of upside here as players like Manning, Parker, Gore and Chambers could turn into genuine superstars, but they could also disappoint. Grade: So many letters to choose from... hmm... let's go with B

Trailer Park Touchdowns (Paul Farrington)

Quarterback: Peyton Manning. Next. Grade: A

Running Backs: Okay, so technically Aaron Brooks is a QB. But I really did not want to soil Peyton's place with a big, fat ugh. The Trailer Park TDs took Jamal Lewis with their second round pick, a terrific, savvy move... if the third Lord of the Rings movie was still in theatres, Matchbox Twenty was still on the top of the charts, and Cubs fans were still ga-ga over Dusty. In other words, Jamal has not been worthy of a second round pick since before he spent time with Tattoo Annie and Harlem Hank in the clink. A rennaisance? Uh, no. The only thing better than drafting Jamal Lewis in the second round in 2003, would have been drafting Ahman Green in the 5th round. Green still has talent, but Green Bay's offensive line,which starts two rookies, is terrible. He may produce in spurts, but will not be consistent enough to be a worthy #2 RB. Right around 1,000 yards with 5-7 TD is the ceiling. Let me give you a sneak peek at the Carolina Panthers' Week 5 injury report... " DeShaun Foster -- out (sore uterus)." The guy has as much chance to stay healthy for an entire season as Nell Carter has in being named the Random Thoughts hottie #4. Derrick Blaylock was recently named the Jets' starter, but will still share carries with Barlow, Houston, Washington, and Freeman McNeil. Grade: C (You really think these guys are going to stay healthy?)

Wide Receivers: Terrell Owens is the single biggest risk-reward player in the NFL. My guess is that he has a huge year. He may struggle in the early stages, but once he hits the mountain stages, watch him really take off. In fact, I see so much success, I expect him to be wearing the yellow jersey as he rides down the Champs-Elysees on the final day of the tour. Wait, aren't we talking about the same T.O. who spent the majority of training camp riding the bike? Oh, he is a pretty good football player, too, who will be a stud if the Big Tuna can put up with him all year. A big if. About five or six years ago, Padnack drafted Jake Plummer in the second round and we all thought that such a move would forever go down as the second-worst draft pick in the history of the league.* And then along came the Trailer Park TDs and the decision to pick Antwaan Randle El in the 9th round. 558 yards and 1 TD in '05 and now he is catching passes from Mark Brunell. Yeah, that ought to be good for one-third of a point per week or so. Donte Stallworth is actually a terrific sleeper pick. He is now the #1 in Philly and Donovan McNabb needs someone to throw to, at least until Vince Papale and Harold Carmichael come out of retirement. Ashley Lelie, Michael Jenkins and Jerry Porter all have talent but come with major questions marks. Lelie and Jenkins have to catch passes from Michael Vick (who is still as accurate throwing the football as Ray Charles was in throwing darts, thanks to the fact that he has simply been too busy setting up the next democracy in Iraq to practice throwing the football) and Porter hates Oakland and Oakland hates Porter. Grade: C+ (it would be a B with T.O. playing to his capabity and a C- without him. I split the difference)

*What is the worst pick of all time, you ask? I'd say put I'd hate to embarras Adam S and, c'mon, Hayden Epstein wasn't that bad.

Tight End: Alge Crumpler's statistics have gotten consistently better the last couple of years but has probably hit his ceiling at 850 yards, 5-6 TD and an ass that weighs 130 pounds without pads. Vernon Davis is a nice sleeper pick who did not cost much. Grade: B

Kicker and D/ST: Neil Rackers was the second highest scoring kicker in the league last season and will do a nice job once again this year. The Philadelphia defense hopes to bounce back after last year's struggles, and should, but it is tough to be too excited about a team that only had 27 sacks and 27 turnovers in '05. In teams of excitement regarding what the Eagles can provide, It's more like the anticipation surrounding going miniature golfing with Hilary Swank than going to a nude beach with Heidi Klum. Grade: B

X-Factor: T.O. is the ultimate x-factor and comes with a host of questions. Will his hamstring hold up all season? Will he be able to coexist with Parcells? Will he steal Drew Bledsoe's walker and arthritis medicine, depants him and give him a swirlie? How many situps will he be able to do on his driveway? Like I said, a lot of questions...

Overall: Well, at least Peyton Manning is great and comes with the least amount of risk. The same cannot be said for the rest of the team. Too many question marks and too many players who, like Sean Connery, are way past their prime. At least, with Crumpler, Lelie and Jenkins, if the Atlanta offense becomes a juggernaut, the Trailer Park TDs will be in great shape. Yeah, and Billy Bob Thornton is going to become a preschool teacher. Grade: C

Who You Crappin (Joe McCarty)

Quarterback: Tom Brady has it all. A nice house, fast car, good looks and, at least in the past, the eye of Bridget Moynahan. Perhaps most impressive is the fact that he has proven that he can be successful regardless of who his receivers are. In fact, I believe that last year, he has threw TD passes to Ben Watson, Troy Brown, Deion Branch, Raymond Berry, Irving Fryar, Stanley Morgan, David Ortiz and Woody the bartender from Cheers. Short of tripping at the red carpet at the Viewer's Choice Awards or getting hit in the head by an angry GQ cameraman, there is really no reason to believe that Brady will not put up 3,600-4,000 yards and 26-30 TD once again. Grade: A-

Running Backs: Had Clinton Portis not injured his shoulder in the preseason, he could arguably have been the fourth overall pick in the draft. Coming off a 1,500 yard, 11 TD season, Reverend Gonna Change was finally completely comfortable in Joe Gibbs' offense and primed for a huge year. How the shoulder injury will affect him, nobody, save for the Miss Cleo, truly knows. Brian Westbrook is another injury risk with a lot of talent who completely understands his role in the offense. He should be good for almost 1,500 yards and 7-10 scores. Eagle backups Correll Buckhalter and Ryan Moats were both probably purchased by Who You Crappin from Mr. Incredible while working as Robert Parr for Insuricare during his time in the Superhero Relocation Program. Redskin second stringer T.J. Duckett was likely thrown in by "Parr" for free. LaBrandon Toefield... well, how can I put this mildly. He is bad. And on the ninth day, god created Cedric Gayle Sayers Jim Brown Benson (once he got finished with Michael Vick, of course). Grade: B- (The questions surrounding Portis are too difficult to ignore. Most of the rest of Joe M's RBs are nothing but insurance picks).

Wide Receivers: Oh boy, another superstar with a huge injury question to start the season... Steve Smith. After suffering from a sore left hamstring for the majority of the preseason, Smith tweaked his right hamstring in practice this week. Ouch! We all known how good Smith can be thanks to his 2005 performance (not to mention his 20 ppg average for the Atlanta Hawks in '96-97 and his 57 points for the Blackhawks in '92-93), but when will he be healthy and for how long will he remain healthy once he gets there? Big questions. Like Natalee Holloway, Javon Walker was missing in action in 2005. Walker blew out his knee in the first game and spent the remainder of the season wishing he was watching Dawn of the Dead as it would have been less gruesome than the Packers' play. Walker will have a nice season, but will not approach his pre-surgery numbers (1,380 and 12 TD). Around 1,000 yards and 8 TD sounds more like it. Joe Horn also looks to bounce back after a miserable 2005. Given the unfortunate circumstances surrounding the Saints' season, a mulligan is in readily granted. Horn is still #1 in the Crescent City and he will have a nice year, worthy of calling all his friends from the end zone to tell them about it. Nate Burleson and Michael Clayton are also trying to come back from a disappointing season (now that I look at it, besides Steve Smith, Joe M., without a doubt, has himself the 2005 all-disappointment team). I especially like Clayton to have a good season. Grade: A- (when push comes to shove, Smith will play, although without the injury question, Who You Crappin's WR corps would have been worth a solid A)

Tight End: And the winner of the "Most Likely to Become This Year's Antonio Gates Award" is ... (drum roll, please) ... Ben Watson! If the preseason is any indication, Watson is primed for a huge year. Of course, Gabe Reid also caught a TD in the preseason. But comparing Watson to Gabe Reid is like comparing Cedric Benson to Walter Payton. Grade: B+ (Why so high? When Brady is not throwing to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, he will be looking Watson's way).

Kicker and D/ST: Just as Tom always seems to draft Jason Elam as his kicker, John Kasay always seems to wind up a member of Who You Crappin. At least, Joe M waited until the 15th round to pick Kasay, which means, unlike Elam, Kasay only came with a coupon good for a free carpet cleaning estimate. Tampa Bay's defense is consistently a top-ten option. Grade: B

X-Factor: Clinton Portis. How bad is Kid Bro Sweets' bum shoulder and how long will it keep him out of action? Nobody seems to really know the answers to these all-important questions, yet the answers will likely have a tremendous impact on the fortunes of Who You Crappin this year. If healthy, I fully expect Portis to have a monster season. But if the shoulder continues to bother him, Joe M. may wish that he had selected George Clinton, Hillary Clinton or the mayor of Clinton, Missouri with his first round pick instead of The Mad Scientist. Okay, maybe not Hillary.

Overall: Boy, it is really tough to accurately analyze Who You Crappin with the injury questions hanging over the heads of Portis and Smith. The rest of the team, while good, does not have the overall talent to make up for the loss of both of them. If they both two play up to capability, however... watch out! I guess, I'll just go with my favorite letter. Grade: B

WWJBD (Adam Simon)

Quarterback: Stop me if you have heard this story before. Aging quarterback suffers collapsed lung and internal bleeding. Fresh face youngster out of the great midwest then takes over the reins of the team and leads them to an inprobable Super Bowl victory over a heavily favored opponent. Fresh faced youngster shakes hands, kisses babies and dates Tara Reid. Aging quarterback trades birketstocks for cowboy boots. Why am I telling you this seemingly irrelevant story? Drew Bledsoe... meet Tony Romo. Lightining can strike in the same place twice. I'd wear a flak jacket if I were you. Chris Simms is a decent enough sleeper and will need to be inserted into the lineup if Romo misses a game after Tara Reid loses the key to the velvet lined handcuffs. I suppose he will do a decent enough job if called upon. In the end, what would Jimmy Buffett do? I'm not completely sure, but I doubt he would have drafted Bledsoe and Simms. Bring on the tequila. Grade: C

Running Backs: Cadillac Williams is a nice player, when he is not in the garage for service (yes, I took the easy way out with that line). He showed a lot of promise in his rookie season and should be able to avoid a sophomore slump. The key with him, as with a lot of players, is staying on the field and out of the shop. I think he will have a nice year. Of course, if Cadillac wants to talk to someone with experience dealing with the sophomore slump, he need look no further than WWJBD teammate Kevin Jones. Jones was abysmal last year, topping 80 yards in a game only twice. Jones will be decent and score a few times, but his chances of rebounding in a big way are like the guy from the Red Roof Inn commercial chances of working... remote. Brandon Jacobs is a monster. Not necessarily from a fantasy perspective... I'm talking in real life. Before kids go to bed, they really out to look in their closet and under their beds for Sully, Randall, the guy who got shaved by the Child Detection Patrol after getting a sock stuck to his back, and Brandon. In all honesty, Jacobs has a freakish combination of power and speed and is an intriguing sleeper given that he is slated to get the goal-line carries in New York and additional non-goal line work as the G-Men try and keep Tiki Barber fresh. DeAngelo Williams is also a nice sleeper as most expect that he will be thrust into the starting role in Carolina once DeShaun Foster complains of fallopian tube pain. Ultimately, what would James Brown do? He would have drafted Cadillac, Jacobs and Williams, but would have left Kevin Jones in the scrap head. And then he would have gotten in the hot tub. Gonna make ya sweat! Grade: B

Wide Receivers: Chad Johnson receives a lot of attention in fantasy circles. That is why it is so suprising that he has never scored more than 10 TDs in a single season. Sure, his yardage totals are phenomenol, his TD celebrations memorable, and his checklists hilarious, but doesn't the performance utlimately fail to live up to the hype? Look at Anna Kounikouva. Chad is just like Anna. She received tons of attention and press, yet never won a single tennis tournament. I mean, really look at her. Look at her legs. Her chest. Her abs. He butt. Okay, so she is absolutely nothing like Chad Johnson. Expect another 1,300-1,400 yards and 9-10 TD from Chad. Expect another 2,000 drooling men everywhere Anna goes. Roy Williams had 8 TD in each of his first two seasons in the league and is entering the magical third season. In Mike Martz's offense, Roy should have a great year. Of course, if he doesn't, he'll probably start crying, tell Bonnie Bernstein that he does not give a "sh*t" about Carolina and then leave the Lions to sign with the Panthers. Andre Johnson should also have a bounce back year as long as the Texans' o-line gives QB David Carr time to throw. 1,200 and 8 is a realistic possibility. Reggie Brown is a dynamite sleeper and Greg Jennings is worth keeping around in case he becomes this year's big rookie surprise. Marty Booker? Can we please get back to Anna. Ultimately, what would Jim Belushi do? He definitely would have drafted the Johnsons, Williams, Brown and Jennings, but would have tortured Booker by making him watch reruns of his god-awful show. Grade: A

Tight End: Jason Witten is a solid tight end who may see more mismatches with opposing defenses focusing on T.O. and Terry Glenn. Of course, that could also result in a situation that mirrors one where Lance Armstrong meets the Olsen twins. There are simply not enough balls to go around. Ultimately, what would Julie Brown do? She would knock the Olsen twins halfway back to the anorexia clinic. Oh, and she would have drafted Witten too. Wubba wubba wubba. Grade: B+

Kicker and D/ST: Nate Kaeding should get plenty of opportunities to put up points in San Diego. He is just starting to come into his own. The Patriots' defense looks to bounce back after a miserable 2005. If anyone can do it, it is Bill Belicheck. New England should have nice season as long as Rodney Harrison doesn't end up in jail for punching a nun and Tedy Bruschi's stays on the field. Ultimately, what would Joe Borchard do? Strike out. Grade: B

X-Factor: Kevin Jones. Jones has terrific speed and displayed flashes of brillance during his rookie season, rushing for more than 1,100 yards, despite not being the feature back all year (what was your favorite part of the Shawn Bryson era?). Can he recapture the magic? If he can, he will join Cadillac, the Johnsons, Williams and Witten on a solid team. If he can't, WWJBD really ought to hope for a season ending injury to both Jones and Tiki Barber, elevating Jacobs into the stud-osphere. So, what would Jack Black do? I'm really not sure, but I do know that I do not want to be there when he does it.

Overall: I do not like Adam S's quarterbacks or Kevin Jones. Period. Too bad, because the rest of his team is excellent. Maybe Rex the Wonder Dog will break his pelvis, Brian Griese will have another run in with his dog and a tequila bottle and Kyle the Bearded Lady will become the next great Bears' QB (strike that, to be the "next" great Bears QB, they would have had to have had one to begin with and Peter Tom Willis does not qualify). That would give WWJBD a chance to pick him up and streak to the title. So ultimately, what would Jack Bauer do? Rip off the bad guy's arms and feed them to him while continuing to ask where the toxic chemical-laced nuclear warhead intended to kill the president is, finally figure out that he is better off not having contact with his whining, pain-in-the-ass of a daughter, and save the world without having to go to the bathroom for 24 whole hours. Grade: B+

But wait... I'm not the only one laying his ass on the line...

Consensus Grades -- from the six teams who submitted grades (Dan'd grade in parentheses):
New York, New York

* The Prosthetic Legs: B+/A- (B+)
* Mr. October: B (B)
* Shabbit: B (B)
* Loafers: C (C+)

Paris

* JEB Fins: B+ (B+)
* Slappers: B- (B)
* Spanky: B- (B)
* Short Bus Experience: C+ (B)

Monte Carlo

* Nickel Slots: B/ B+ (B)
* Who You Crappin: B- (B)
* WWJBD: B- (B+)
* Trailer Park Touchdowns: C/ C+ (C)

So, what is going to happen?

First of all, I predict that eight teams will make the playoffs (and I have run through the schedules looking at matchups). The eight teams and their seeds will be as follows:

1. The Prosthetic Legs (9-4) (New York, New York champion)

2. JEB Fins (9-4) (Paris champions)

3. WWJBD (7-6) (Monte Carlo champions... the 134th tiebreaker was each team got to select one representative to wrestle for the title. Brandon Jacobs annihilated Steve Smith -- who injured both hamstrings in the fight, and Eli Manning who was sent out after Tom mistakenly thought that it would be a baking contest rather than a fight).

4. Nickel Slots (7-6) (Manning did, however, outbake Bulger, Brunell, Gonzo and Ryan Moats to win the #4 seed tiebreaker by making a delightful pumkin spice cake)

5. The Short Bus Experience (7-6) (In the next tiebreaker, Michael Vick arrived back just in time from his trip to North Korea to remove Kim Jong-Il from the throne to defeat all the other contestants at.. well ... at everything).

6. Shabbit (7-6) (the remaining teams promised to give the #6 seed to Shabbit in exchange for Jake Plummer shaving off that awful beard).

7. Who You Crappin (7-6) (Tom Brady is just so dang good lookin', isn't he?)

8. Slappers (7-6)

First Round

# 1 Prosthetic Legs d. #8 Slappers

Continuing a season long trend, the Chiefs hand the ball off to Larry Johnson 56 times and LJ rumbles for 424 yards and six touchdowns. Meanwhile, Brett Favre (filling in for the injured Kurt Warner) throws four interceptions, but also tosses a key late touchdown to Mark Chmura, who celebrates by attending young Ashley McVicker's Sweet Sixteen party. The late score by Favre is necessary as Mike Sellers continues his season-long domination, rushing for 239 yards and three scores. Slappers' downfall turns out to Culpepper and McNair's failure to come back from an Aaron Neville concert, forcing Todd to input Mark Brunell in his lineup. Brunell fails to score a single point in a 147-146 loss. Todd drowns his sorrows with an ice cold beer and a Busty Blonde Bombshells DVD. Matthew, I told you to stay out of this room!!!

# 2 JEB Fins d. # 7 Who You Crappin

Shaun Alexander looks fantastic once again. This time in a grey, three-piece Armani linen suit with blue tie and matching pocket square. Alexander, out for the season, after injuring both thumbs playing Madden '07 (maybe there is something to the Madden curse) watches Lee Evans finally have his 3-TD game after 13 straight weeks of 24-yard performances. A late touchdown by Larry Fitzgerald is the difference maker and is scored when the defensive back trips over Larry's hair. Touchdown passes by Tom Brady to Curt Schilling, Elle Woods (back at Harvard to get her M.D.) and the great-great-great grandson of Samuel Adams are not enough. Brady had a chance for a fourth TD, which would have won the game for Crappin, but was sacked by all four defensive lineman after his offensive line got into an argument over who gets to be fraud protection and forgot to block. Final: JEB Fins 132, Who You Crappin 129

# 3 WWJBD d. # 6 Shabbit

Considering that each team has gone through 14 quarterbacks apiece before settling on Aaron Rodgers and Jared Lorenzen, both teams simply agree to play without a QB. Neither Ronnie Brown nor Cadillac Williams is in any condition to play after spending all night at a hotel bar drinking whiskey sours and reminisicing over their days at Auburn. Chad Johnson, who scored his ceiling 10th TD in week four, offers nothing, Roy Williams misses the game, choosing instead to shop at Marshall Field's (that's right, I said Marshall Field's) for a Carolina blue tie, and Andre Johnson gains 4 yards for WWJBD. Meanwhile, for Shabbit, the entire receiving corps is held hostage by Corey Bradford, who is terribly disgruntled over the fact that he never became a star and never makes it out onto the field. Nate Kaeding ends up outkicking David Akers in a 7-6 WWJBD victory.

# 5 The Short Bus Experience d. #4 Nickel Slots

Eli Manning has his best game of the year, completing 53.4% of his passes with four TDs. Willie Parker gets all of the goal line carries and scores five times. Rudi Johnson adds a couple of TDs. Chris Chambers has one of those games that receivers dream about... 246 yards and three TDs. Keenan McCardell catches a ball with his portable oxygen tank for a score. Chris Cooley wins the papers to Craterface's car and scores twice. Jason Elam kicks nine field goals. The Bears' defense pitches a shutout and scores an unprecedented five touchdowns. The Short Bus has Michael Vick. Final: Short Bus 1,498, Nickel Slots 578

Semifinals

# 1 Prosthetic Legs d. # 5 The Short Bus Experience

Uh oh... Lex Luthor is planning on hitting the San Andreas Fault with a missile again. Yes, Michael, saving the state of California is more important than the RSFC. Welcome back to the lineup Marc Bulger. Here, you can park your wheelchair, right here. Hey, let me help you with that. Yes, the doctor did say that you tore all the ligaments in your body. No, I don't think it is foolish for you to try and play. Crunch! Whoops. Final Legs 86, Short Bus 73

# 2 JEB Fins d. #3 WWJBD

Today's selection is a Ralph Loren oxford with chinos and loafers. Very nice. Alexander cheers on Deion Branch as he scores twice for the Terrell Owens' All-Stars traveling team of jackasses. Sandra Bullock turns into Jessica Alba for one day and throws six scores. WWJBD is competitive as Brandon Jacobs runs over both Mothra and Gamera and scores a TD, Marty Booker contributes 32 yards for a point and Jason Witten pushes T.O. out of the way to grab three TDs. Alas, Roy still has not found that tie. A late touchdown by new-signee Brad Muster for JEB Fins wins it by a final score of 77-74.

Championship

#1 The Prosthetic Legs vs. #2 JEB Fins

Forced to deal with Mike Shanahan's madness, the Legs' start Larry Johnson, Mike Bell, Tatum Bell, the great-nephew of Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Belle, Belle from Beauty & the Beast and Terrell Davis (thanks to the new rule under which you can start all flex players). Johnson carries the ball 71 times and scores eight TDs pushing his season total to 68, but the Bells struggle. Favre struggles, as well, with Chmura back in lockup. Alexander shows up in a Vote Pedro t-shirt and Bermuda shorts and watches as Sandra Bullock turns back into Sandra Bullock, Branch scores three more TDs (and then gets into a fight with new T.O. All-Stars teammate David Terrell), and the new backfield of Jerious Norwood and Laurence Maroney is reasonably effective.

And so, the 2006 Rick Springfield Fantasy Football Champion is...


duh, dun.... duh dun. dunt, dunt, dunt, dunt, dunt, duh



I'd stay out of the water if I were you.