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Buenas Cinco de Mayo mis amigos! Yo no hablo mucho español, pero haré mi mejor. Los Cachorros huelen en este momento. Comercíe a Ben Gordon para Jermaine O'Neal. Me gusta tacos y nachos y cerveza fria. Jessica Alba es mucho caliente. Si...

Can you hear the mariachi band playing La Cucaracha? Gloria Estefan? Ricky Martin? Menudo?

It's Friday, the end of the work week. We are expecting a beautiful weekend of sunny skies and fairly warm temperatures. I'm going to get a dozen Krispy Kremes for tomorrow morning. Life ain't so bad.

Oh, sure I'm as disappointed as anyone with the Toros' performance last night and the Cachorros' continuing lack of anything even remotely resembling and offense, but for at least one day, I'm not going to play the Schleprock role. I'm going to listen to the advice of Bobby McFerrin. I'm going to follow the mantra of Michael Stipe and Kate Pierson and be a shiny, happy person. Regardless of whether Big Z walks six straight batters against the Padres in the first inning this evening, I'm going to have fun tonight. Heck, if things go really well, I may even Wang Chung tonight.

Oh sure, I'll talk a little about the Toros and the Cachorros. But, I'm going to take a positive, happy Friday look at out fallen heroes.

* Thing One can hit! And steal bases!! And, get this, draw a walk!!! Last night, fast Freddie responded to a starting gig by collecting only his fifth hit of the year and by stealing two bases. Oh sure, he struck out in his most important at-bat of the game, with two on and two out, but hey, before we know it his batting average (.238) may start to appoach the Kevin Orie stratosphere (lifetime .249). Margaritas for everyone!

* Cachorro hitters struck out eleven times. That's eleven plate appearances during which Einstein Jones did not get doubled off second base on a line drive or fly ball to left field. Jones says gracias to all.

* For at least one game, Gopherball Glendon was Groundball Glendon. Two innings of no-hit, no-walk baseball. (Note to Hendry...trade him now, while he's hot. What's that? The best you can get in return is an autographed picture of Mexican-born Cachorro killer Vinny Castilla? You say it's actually a picture of Castilla autographed by Andres Galarraga?) Take it.

* Did you know that Castilla was not the first Mexican-born to play in the major leagues? That honor goes to Mel Almada who made his debut with the Red Sox in 1933. Other famous firsts... former Cachorro outfielder Robin Jennings (Singapore -- you read that correctly), Jeff Bronkey (Afghanistan), Chili Davis (Jamaica), and Danny Graves (Vietnam)***

* Yes, former Cachorro Juan Cruz pitched five shutout innings and lowered his season ERA to 2.05. Yes, Sergio Mitre has a 3.82 ERA. Yes, John Koronka is 3-1 with a 3.55 ERA and an excellent 1.16 whip (walks + hits per inning pitched). Yes, Kyle Farnsworth's ERA is 2.53, former closer Tom Gordon's is a sick 0.66, and each would look a lot better in the Cachorros' pen than Will Oh-Man! But, former starting ace Jon Lieber is a poor 1-3 with a 6.87 ERA for the Phillies. A mug or two of Dos Equis in honor of the fact that he is no longer in the rotation!

* Juan Pierre got picked off second base in the first inning yesterday...by the catcher. Bad baseball? Maybe not. Todd Walker had two strikes on him when Pierre was picked off, so I suspect that Pierre was just doing him a favor. Great team player that Juan Pierre! It's not as if the Cachorros are capable of getting a two-out hit these days. Pierre was just giving Walker a chance to lead off the second inning and really try and get a rally going.

* I hear that Mark Prior had a really nice meal the other night. Good for him.

* Next up...Padres! C'mon, Cachorros you can do it! The 135-game winning streak starts tonight! A little chatter people. Let me hear you good and loud. Aramis, Aramis, he's our man. If he can't do it, Weasley can... (now, now All Hail the Chief, I heard you say "When he can't do it.")

* So, the season has ended for the Toros. So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

* I'll stand by my original statement...making the playoffs this year was the only option. To heck, with the higher draft pick. John Paxson and Scott Skiles know what the team needs and will not be fooled by the team's "success." This is a young team with a tremendous nucleus that just got incredibly valuable playoff experience. Now, if they could only get a quality two-way big man. Hmmm...I wonder how they can accomplish that. Perhaps a semi-defensively challenged shooting guard who went 10-34 shooting in the two biggest games of the year for a 27-year old big man who averaged 20.1 pts and 9.3 reb per game and currently resides 160 miles down I-65? I'd even throw in a dinner for two at Uncle Julio's Hacienda. See you in the Finals next year!
* Early in the second half of yesterday's game, the aforementioned guard with the penchance for dribbling the ball off of his leg, decided that hustling wasn't worth the effort and let Dwyane Wade grab the ball at midcourt and go in for an uncontested dunk. Wade, who is from Chicago, traditionally struggles while playing in front of the hometown fans. Wasn't that nice and generous of Ben to put smiles of the faces of the Wade clan? Muy simpatico, indeed!

* There is very little postitive that I can say about the play of either Tyson Chandler or Mike Sweetney last night. Let's just say that its a definite positive Tyson will get to spend more quality time with Eddy Curry's soon-to-be born child (Every Toros fan knows that Tyson can't score. It had to come from somewhere).

* Phoenix Suns' guard Raja Bell was suspended for last night's Game 6 versus the Lakers for clothes-lining Kobe Bryant. Fortunately, the Suns won the game in overtime and both teams now force a do-or-die Game 7 tomorrow night. Look, I never want to see a player injured. But, in my opinion, if you are going to clotheline anyone and have to sit out a crucial game as a result, you might as well make it the arrogant, egotistical Bryant. No me gusta Senor Kobe!

* Excuse me, I have to go bash my Kobe Bryant pinata. It's right next to my Phil Jackson pinata, my Adam Morrison pinata, my Jim Edmonds pinata, and my A.J. Pierzynski punching bag.

Pow! Bam! Smash! Crunch!

* Yum...lime, garlic dried grasshoppers (a favorite of the Oaxacans! Once again, I don't make this up!)

* A federal judge, yesterday, ordered Philadelphia superstar tAllen Iverson to appear in Washington D.C. to give testimony about a 2005 D.C. nightclub disturbance. Two Eyebar Club patrons and two security guards are suing Iverson for assault. Iverson' attorneys argued that he should be allowed to testify in Philadelphia because travel to D.C. would mean "having to get up early and hire a driver," an argument that the judge did not buy. What's the judge smoking? Do you know how hard it is to get up early after staying up until 4:30 a.m. figuring out ways to get your coach fired, planning you explanation speech regarding why you didn't bother to show up on Fan Appreciation Day until minutes before tipoff, and...should I say it? Nah. Let's just say, that I don't know what the judge was smoking but I have a sneaky suspicion about where he or she got it. Go ahead and skip practice Allen, where you really belong is a Tijuana prison.

* Maybe that guy in Glen Ellyn who got arrested last week can get the DuPage County judge to dismiss his case. Just argue that going to court means you have to get dressed.

*Tomorrow is Derby Day. Time to put down the Tequila shooter and pick up a mint julep. Time to see little tiny men beat horses with whips. Time to see Louisville's finest ladies adorned in hats that would make the late Princess Diana blush. Word at Churchill Downs is that O.J. Simpson will be attending his second straight Run for the Roses. I'll bet that killer is in that crowd somewhere, O.J. If not, might want to try the baseball all-star-game, this summer's world cup, every golf course in North America...

* ESPN Radio 1000 announced its new lineup. Steve Rosenbloom and national presence Sean Salisbury will be taking over the 9-12 a.m. slot, with Silvy and Carmen moving to 7-10 p.m. and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, Jeff Dickerson, and Jonathan Hood being (at least temporarily) taken off the air. Salisbury I like a lot and think he will do extremely well in Chicago. Rosenbloom may be a rich, pompous know-it-all (hey, I am not rich!), but at least his appointment does not make me want to wretch. Keeping Silvy and Carmen on the air is what troubles me.

I just don't think that they know sports as well as two hosts of a sports show in the third largest market in America should. My introduction to Carmen came about three or four years ago, when, in advance of the fantasy football season, he announced his top five wide receivers...Randy Moss, Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens, Torry Holt and...Hines Ward? No. Joe Horn? Nope. Jerry Rice? Uh-uh. Derrick Mason? Negative. Try Oronde Gadsden, who hadn't had a particularily notable season since 1999 (with career highs of 803 yards and 6 TDs). It would have been more sensible if he had said Charlie Joiner. Heck, it would have made more sense if he had said Tom Waddle.

I fully recognize that if I were ever but in front of a television camera or radio microphone, I just may freeze up like Cindy on the Quiz the Kids show, but the fact that Carmen earns a living as an on-air personality makes my blood boi...sizzle with excitement (I'm happy, joyful Dan today, remember).

* You know what ESPN needs? A show like Sabado Gigante. Dress Carmen up as a chicken. Make Harry Teinowitz dress as a baby. Heck you can even bring Jay Mariotti back and put him in that weird executioner outfit. Get a bunch of hot women and have them run around on stage wearing items from the opening pages of the Victoria Secret catalog (not in the back in the outdoor section...thank's JB!). Oh wait, I suppose you would need to have it on TV. Two words...cable access.

* Yesterday, I had a lot of fun with the "Two Words" theme and I appreciate a lot of your comments. Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" reminded me of one of the funniest skits that I have ever seen on ESPN News. Let's see if I can remember this correctly. The skit had to do with the emergence of Ben Roethlisberger and the premise was that he was a success against every team except the Iowa Hawkeyes (including being victimized by ex-Hawkeyes in the pros...i.e.: interceptions thrown to and sacks by). They had sound bites from two Iowa players, with one guy playing a dope (not hard in Iowa City, I suspect). Eventually, the "dope" stated that Iowa had success against Big Ben because of (and I quote) "two words...Iowa Hawkeye Pride." I know that doesn't come across half as funny as it was in real life, but, hey, I'm the writer and I remember rolling on the floor laughing.

* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Oh Corey...Corey, why? Sure you went 1-2, with a run scored, and (are you sitting down?) a walk, but you could have hit a couple of dingers and fans will still remember your brain cramp in the fifth inning. Kid Corey led off the inning with the aforementioned base-on-balls. Oriole Nick Markakis then hit a long fly ball, chasing Ranger leftfielder Brad Wilkerson back to the wall. Wilkerson made a terrific catch, hitting the wall hard enough to knock a scoreboard panel loose, and sat on the warning track dazed for a moment. By all accounts, Kid Corey "wandered aimlessly between first and second" before being doubled off first base. Heck, we've always been told that Kid Corey is a five-tool player. Maybe he dropped his screwdriver and was looking for it. What other explanation could there be? Season: .295-3-11, 7 sb. Still has not borrowed Miguel Tejada's copy of the movie "The Mexican"

* Finally, (warning...desparate call for comments approaching...) yesterday morning on Mike & Mike, the two discussed which four North American athletes belong on "Mt. Sportsmore." They concluded that Muhammed Ali, Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky should have their likenesses carved into the side of some mountain. For the record, I agree wholeheartedly with their call (although Gretzky versus Eric Daze was a tough, tough call).

So, I ask who belongs on Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore? We can carve it into the little hill that Walter Payton and Dennis Gentry used to scale in the early-mid 80's (what in heck, do you mean, it's now a golf course?). Okay, we can just paint their picture on billboards on the side of Chicagoland's tollways, highways, and thoroughfares (heck, with the new Open Road Tolling, commuting is a breeze. Sure. Thanks Rod...)

So, I ask you, the Random Thoughts fan (no, upset with his "demotion," Jonathan Hood did not just take over my body), which five (five is better than four) Chicago sports personalities scream "Chicago?" Which five sports personalities trasnscend sports in the greastest city in the U.S.? My choices appear at the bottom of this post. (Scroll down if you would like to see...I figured I would give you a chance to come up with your own first. Go ahead, write it on a napkin during your celebration dinner tonight at Chi Chi's).

For even more fun, which five Chicago Sports Personalities belong in the "Pit of Hell?" Who are the all-time most hated sports personalities in Chicago? Who do you dislike the most? (Same drill as above).

Gotta go. There is a Mucha Lucha marathon on the Cartoon Network and my quesadillas are getting cold.

*** Today's Sports Trivia: Which pitcher made his debut with the Cubs in 1945, becoming the first player born in Puerto Rico to play in the major leagues? Hint: The Washington San Juan National Expos played numerous "home" games at a stadium named after him in recent years.























Chicago's Mt. Sportsmore

- Michael Jordan (The greatest ever. Period. Kobe is an ass)

- Walter Payton (Once dunked a basketball on the driveway hoop at 917 Thornton Ln. Buffalo Grove, Illinois)

- Ernie Banks (Mr. Cub asked to appear on Mt. Sportsmore twice)

- Mike Ditka (Da Coach is Chicago through and through. My guess is New Orleans would rather have Bobby Herbet on their Mt. Sportsmore than Ditka)

- Dick Butkus (Say the name Butkus and you either think of blue-collar meat packers in the Chicago stockyards or Rocky's dog. Either way, I'm not taking any chances)

Also Considered:

- Scottie Pippen (No tippin' Pippen wouldn't grease the skids enough to be included)
- Phil Jackson (Hey, there were Butterfingers in that pinata too!)
- Sammy Sosa (Cork, roids, etc. Sammy tried to slip a mickey into my Corona, but thanks to nice inside pitch, it ended up splashed all over the infield)
- Ryne Sandberg (Just not quite good enough)
- Mark Grace (Mr. Cub of the 90's loved Chicago. I fact, by all accounts he literally loved 75% of all women in Chicago)
- Greg Maddux (If not for those 11 seasons in Hot-Lanta, Butkus would probably be on the "also considered" list)
- Ron Santo (Sympathy vote? Maybe...)
- Bobby Hull (I don't have many rules, but one is NO wife beaters on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Frank Thomas (I can't believe how many times I have had to lend thig guy money! Until he pays me back, he ain't on Mt. Sportsmore)
- Mike Singletary (Just a step behind Butkus)
- Jerry Reinsdorf (Love him or hate him. He brought six titles to the Bulls and a long overdue World Series Championship to the Sox)
- Ray Meyer (God bless you, Coach)


The Pit of Hell

- Bill Wirtz (Self explanatory. Responsible for the disaster that has been the last 10 years of Hawk hockey. How are those "Season Reservation Holders" feeling now, Dollar Bill?

- Sammy Sosa (Also on Mt. Sportsmore, Sammy gets his recognition. Aaaa-cho. Ohhh, my back!)

- Cade McNown (Pick a QB, any QB. Pick the most arrogant and it is got to be Cade. He even parked in the handicapped space when picking up his [dis] honor)

- Jerry Krause (Tough call. He was, after all, at least partially responsible for six championships. He was also responsible for Eddy Curry and Jamal Crawford. Enough said. Wins a box of donuts as his prize)

- Sam Giannis (I never believed in curses until three years ago)

Also Considered:

- Alex Zhamnov (Alex was never really hated, but his arrival from Phoenix for Jeremy Roenick symbolized the Hawks downfall in the late 90's)

- LaTroy Hawkins (Yes, I can do your job. I can give up unlimited runs. But can you write the Random Thoughts? I think not)

- Todd Hundley (I had a personal vendetta against this piece of crap. Announcer: "Should Sam not be able to fulfill his duties," Todd may just get a call)

- Frank Thomas (See above)

- Rick Mirer, Henry Burris, Jonathan Quinn (Made us long for Erik Kramer. Heck, made us long for Steve Walsh!)

- Eddy Curry (If you are fat and lazy, you shouldn't be a multi-millionaire)

There are so many more that I can mention, but Boris just ate my quesadillas!