Statistically Speaking

***WARNING*** Today's post is littered with a number of frightening, ugly statistics that are sure to make you recoil in horror. Put the children to bed and hide the elderly. Random Thoughts readers with heart conditions, weak stomachs or who uncontrollably sob at the drop of a hat ala Dick Vermeil and Roy Williams (in North Carolina he is now considered a "softie" and his annual breakdown is deemed endearing; in Kansas, on the other hand, he is a bleepin' wuuuuuussss) are encouraged to skip this post and visit www.Iwearaskirtandanapron.com Reader discretion is advised. You have been warned.

* In 2005, there were 209 reported murders in the city of Chicago and 10,772 motor vehicle thefts. Vin Diesel commands almost $20 million per film. More than 8 million people worldwide thought that "Informer" by Toronto reggae/ hip hop artist Snow was catchy enough to waste $12 on. I provide these statistics either to remind all of you to keep all of this in perspective or to prepare you for what is to come. I will let you be the judge.

* I am a Cubbs Fahn. I am a Kubs Phan. I am a Cubz Fhan. Sheesh, it's getting harder and harder to say/ write/ admit.

* Not only have the Cubs won only four of their last 22 games, they have been outscored 120-58 during that stretch. What's worse is that if you take the four wins out of the equation, they have been outscored 115-34! Think about that and really let it sink in... I, for one, have not seen such futility since Camp North Star took on neighboring Camp Mohawk in a game of basketball and the score at halftime was so bad that, rather than play the second half, the sexually-charged counselors of North Star elected to subscribe to the age-old theory "if you can't beat em', you might as well humiliate em' " by depantsing the Mohawk players, hopping on their bus and hightailing it the heck out of there.**

* The Cubs are coming off a three-game series sweep in Miami by Joe Girardi's Florida Marlins(overall record 14-31). Let's look a little closer at this monumental achievement. Prior to winning all three from the Cubs, the Marlins were on a 7-game losing streak, were an abhorrent 3-14 overall at Dolphin Stadium and were 1-12 in their last thirteen games played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty teal and orange seats. Want more? Prior to the Cubs arrival in South Florida, a three-game sweep by the Marlins had been about as rare as a compliment from Simon Cowell. In fact, it is only the fourth three-game sweep by the Marlins since the start of the 2005 season (and the other three came in the final three-games of the 2005 season against a Braves team that was resting every player who mattered in advance of the playoffs and in two 2005 series against the Devil Rays). That sweep of the Cardinals by the Cubs sure seems like ages ago, doesn't it?

* At the same time that the Cubs are spiraling down the toilet, the Sox continue to play solid baseball, sweeping the A's at U.S. Comiskular. Surprisingly, a Sox home sweep of Oakland had been about as likely as Charlie Bucket actually finding a Golden Ticket in a Scrum-diddly-umtious bar. The last time it happened? The Division winning season of 1983 as Floyd Bannister pitched seven innings of two-hit baseball in an 11-1 rout, Ron Kittle hit his 32nd home run of the season in a 7-6 victory, and Greg Luzinski hit a two-out, 9th inning walk-off home run in an 8-7 thriller. Ribbie and Roobarb must have gone nuts.

* Great quote looking back on the Ribbie and Rhubarb era... In a 1992 interview with the Chicago Tribune, Roobarb commented ""We took some shots from people ... Even little kids thought it was hilarious. They'd ask for an autograph and the next thing you knew you'd get a fist in the back or a kick in the leg." Bring back Andy the Clown!!

* PolyJuice Potion. It is the only explanation. What else can explain the lack of production out of Juan Pierre this season? For those of you intelligent enough to have stopped paying attention, Pierre is now hitting .230 with an on base percentage of .269 (lifetime numbers of .301 and .350 respectively). And for a guy who was universally trumpeted as nearly impossible to strike out, Pierre is heading back to the dugout with his head down an awful lot these days. This year he has struck out 10% of the time, while in past years, his strikeout percentage was 6.9%, 5.2%, 5.2% again, and 4.7%. Welcome to Chicago Juan! Glad to see Gene Clines is doing his job. Why don't we just hire former Cub lead-off man and lifetime .242 hitter Damon Buford as our new hitting coach? (Wait! Is it possible that Pierre really is Buford? Better check for a flask in the Cub's dugout. It ain't pumpkin juice!).

Most horrifying has been Juan's dizzying lack of production with runners in scoring position. On the season, Juan has precisely two more RBI than me and has had the same number of RBI in the last 43 games as...you. Juan is now a pathetic 0-23 with runners in scoring position on the season.

Look, learning that somebody is not who you think that he or she is is never easy. The entire city of Springfield was shocked upon hearing that the man who was running their elementary school was not Seymour Skinner, but rather Armin Tanzarian. Diane Huxley and her son Derek were stunned to learn that day laborer Frank was really a presumed-dead CTU agent named Jack Bauer. And who among us will ever forget the disappointing look on Lisa McDowell's face when she learned that Akeem was not really a goat herder, but rather the Prince of Zamunda.

I don't know where the real Juan Pierre is, but I, for one, am ready for the Felix Pee-Ay era to begin.

* Did you know?: That the 1998 movie Godzilla is littered with Simpsons references and connections. Not only do famous Simpson voices Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright appear in the movie, but, in one scene, star Matthew Broderick throws a taxi identification plate out of the window of his cab and the name on the plate is "Armin Tanzarian." (For those of you scoring at home, Godzilla grossed $136 million or only $6 million more than it cost to make).

* Yesterday, on Mike & Mike, Jayson Stark was asked about pitchers that could be traded this summer. He mentioned a number of names that should come as no suprise to anyone (Dontrelle Willis, Kelvim Escobar) and then he threw out this nugget..."The team that I would watch closely is the Cubs to see what happens with Prior and Wood." He went on to say that the Cubs are really beginning to wonder whether the two "superstars" are more likely to become the next Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling or the next Mike Bielecki and Shawn Boskie.

My initial, knee-jerk reaction, of course, was "Holy moly! We had better get a whole lot in return to let either of them go!" But then I really started to think about it...

In case you have not noticed, since the magical run of 2003, stalwarts Paul Byrd, Aaron Cook, and, it kills me to say this, Shawn Estes have more major league victories than Prior's 18 (Estes has 22 wins and injuries limited him to only 21 games in 2005 and one game this year). The list is even longer when you compare Wood's 11 victories since losing Game 7 to the Marlins. It includes all-time greats Wandy Rodriguez (16), Kirk Saarloos (14). Tomo Ohka (16), and, yes, Gopherball Glendon, who has 16 wins under his belt.

Of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, has as many wins in simulated game as Wood and Prior, though...

So, why not trade Prior and Wood? I saw at least one report that in his Rookie League starts Prior's fastball is topping out at 86 mph. Great, just what we need...another Greg Maddux. Wood, naturally, is expected to miss his next start with shoulder stiffness.

And you know that, at this point, the Cubs have got to be strongly considering the possibility. Stark also mentioned that it was the Cubs who were strongly pushing for the rumored Prior for Tejada trade this past winter. Boy, that's the last thing our offense needs... a guy hitting .335 with 13 home runs and 35 RBI. Make some calls Jim Hendry. Maybe Ben Gordon is available.

* I recognize that my whining about walks and first pitch strikes is quickly becoming the Random Thoughts' "They killed Kenny!" in that I seems as though Kirstie Alley can go longer without eating a box of Twinkies than I can without mentioning my distaste for base on balls, but I have what I feel is a pretty telling stat. Last Friday, at U.S. Comiskular, the White Sox soundly defeated the Cubs 7-1. Greg Maddux got shelled, while Mark Buehrle gave up two measley hits. The reason? Simple. Maddux was, for the most part, pitching behind in the count, while Buerhle was throwing a bucketful of first-pitch strikes.

In total, Maddux threw 14 first-pitch balls (47%) and 9 first-pitch strikes (9%) (7 balls were put into play). Buehrle, on the other hand, threw 11 first-pitch balls (34%) and 20 strikes (62.5%)(only one ball was put into play....guess all the conspirarists who claim that Dusty tells his hitters to swing at the first pitch are a little off). The strike zone hasn't changed since the 1800's, Greg.

* Of course, rock bottom came on Saturday, with Rich Hill, who had all the control of Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid after an evening at Prive in New York. Tadahito Iguchi's grand slam really did not bother me. What bothered me were the four walks that preceeded Iguchi's big bomb.

I know that Dusty is a renowned player's manager, but just once I want him to walk out to the mound, grab the pitcher by the jersey, look him right in the eye and say "If you throw one more pitch out of the strike zone, you are out of this dang game and headed straight back to Rookie Ball!" (where he can do battle with Prior) and that is a sanitized version. If you really want to know what I would like to see Dusty say, simply imagine the few choice words that Ozzie would intersperse into the statement.

That is why I was so impressed with Marlins' manager Joe Girardi this week. You know what? After seeing Girardi grab pitcher Scott Olsen by the jersey and drag him into the tunnel for a little chat during Monday night's game, I would hire Joe to lead my ballclub in a second. I'm not looking for Bob Knight or Pat Summitt or any other coach or manager who thinks he or she is the main attraction and, as a result, generally acts like an ass. Give me Herman Boone. He went straight into T.C. Williams High and didn't take any crap from anyone...not the star linebacker, the former coach or even his snotty nose daughter.

* Corey-o-Meter: Last night: Cooled off with one hit in four at-bats. Season: It has been a while since the Random Thoughts last presented the Corey-o-Meter, so I want to make sure that you are all sitting down. Take a deep breath. Good. Are you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
As a result of Kid Corey's recent 11-19 hot streak, Patterson is now hitting .304 with 5 home runs, 18 RBI and 15 stolen bases. Look the kid ain't Roberto Clemente. And he ain't Ricky Henderson or A-Rod or Ken Griffey Jr. or even Andre Dawson. But, he ain't Juan Pierre either.

For the record, Kid Corey was traded for 2B Nate Spears (.212-0-9 with the Daytona Cubs) and pitcher Carlos Perez (6.75 ERA, 17 BB in 20 IP). Looks like Mssrs Spears and Perez are about as likely to make an impact in the major league as Pam Anderson is to be asked to play Lady MacBeth in Shakespeare in the Park.

* Something really special is happening just 300 miles south of the Windy City, where Albert Pujols is putting up truly mind-numbing numbers. For those of you who are still too busy trying to locate the names of the 38 songs from 1984 and, therefore, have not been paying attention, Pujols now has a whopping 23 home runs and 57 RBI in 45 games. You can bet that major league baseball is hoping that Pujols will break Barry Bonds' single season home run record (and Hack Wilson's record 191 RBI is also very much in jeopardy, although no matter what happens, the 5'6 Wilson will always hold the RBI per inch ratio).

Finding something negative to say about Pujols' game is more difficult than finding something positive to say about Neifi Perez's ability (well, there is that bunting thing). Picking the one aspect that is most impressive is like trying to name Jessica Alba's best feature. That said, Albert's home run to strikeout ration is absolutely mind boggling. Let me caution you that you really need to let this sink in to fully appreciate it. Pujols has 23 HR on the season, but only 12 strikeouts (almost a 1-2 HR/K ratio). By comparison, the Cubs, as a team, have hit 33 long balls and struck out 245 times for a ratio of 7.4-1 (and the Cubs' figure is really not that out of line with what you will find throughout major league baseball). In fact, if you look at the top-50 home run hitters this season, Pujols is the only one with more home runs than strikeouts and only Carlos Lee is even remotely close (18 K, 16 HR)

* By the way, after careful consideration, I'm going to have to go with the pierced navel.

Suspensions from last Saturday's Cubs-Sox brawl are expected to be handed down tomorrow (I don't pretend toknow precisely how long the suspensions will be, but if I'm Tyson Barrett, I'm not hesitating to plan a vacation to the Bahamas or somewhere) and I expect to give you my thoughts on the fight in tomorrow's post.

Have a good night! Enjoy listening to your Snow album...

Today's Pop Culture Trivia: What actor was head counselor at Camp Mohawk and what was his character's name? Extra credit to anyone who can also name the Director of Camp North Star...