Looking Into My Crystal Ball...

I hate it.

Oh, I know I am supposed to like it. Heck, the Chicago media and the so-called baseball experts keep telling me that I am supposed to love it. But I don't.

It is certainly not the first or only thing that I am "supposed" to like that I simply don't. For example, I cannot understand the attraction of rubbing shoulders with thousands of sweaty people who smell like they just crawled out of the Death Star Space Station garbage compactor while eating seven dollar chicken-on-a-stick at the Taste of Chicago (although Bearister and I will be going to see BNL on June 3o if you would like to join us!). Further, I am not sure why I should care whether Warren Sapp is better at the Electric Slide or A.C. Slater can do a perfect Macarena and, therefore, do not waste my time watching Dancing With the Stars (although I will admit that I am curious to see Kelly Monaco do the Lambada). And, you know what? I think U2 is overrated. There, I said it. Overrated.

You see, the annual Cubs-Sox series is something that I really do not enjoy in the least. Frankly, the six days when the two Chicago baseball teams match-up are among my least favorite days of the year, ranking right up there with the annual trip to the dentist, the day after the end of the NCAA Tournament, and the day I clean all the dead animals out of the garage (I'd include the day I go for my annual heart checkup in the mix, but, well, you know...). The bottom line is there is way too much stress when the Cubs and Sox play. Frankly, after watching the games, I think I begin to understand how a live cat in a Beiging market must feel.

Now don't get me wrong... I certainly understand that the great rivalries are supposed to be the most fun games/ events to watch... the Hawks skating against the Red Wings; Ali and Frazier trading punches; the Sharks and Jets knife fighting over Maria; Danny's Little Giants taking on Kevin's Cowboys; Greg and Marcia dating complete morons just to get under each other's skin (although I have a sneaking suspicion that Greg may have had something else in mind if he could just get her to shut up... s-s-slu-t-t-t...). But they are not. Not in my world. I guess you can blame it on Mike Caruso. After all, the only reason anyone knows who the heck he is is compliments to a horrible Rick Aguilera fastball (although I think he may have been the kid in the background who was looking at the Ken dolls when Peter saved the little girl from being buried in a mountain of Kitty Carryalls).

Now, regardless of whether I like it or not, the games are going to be played. And, while I may not be Professor Sybil Trelawny or Miss Cleo, I think I have an idea regarding how everything is going to play out. So, let's take a look at what we can expect to happen this week at the Friendly Confines...

GAME 1: Jake Peavy (Cubs) vs. Jake Peavy (White Sox). Brian Roberts leads off the bottom of the first with a booming home run. Oh never mind...

GAME 1: Big Z (Cubs) vs. Jon Danks (Sox)

After an uneventful first inning, all hell breaks loose before the second. Big Z goes nuts when the electronic peanut is declared the winner over the almond in the Planter's scoreboard race. He tries to throw the scoreboard operator out of the game before being sent to the showers by the umps. On his way out, the Gatorade machine is not spared.

Meanwhile, in the visitors' dugout, Joey Cora continues to manage in place of Ozzie who cannot find a place to park. Too bad Ozzie is stuck at Grace and Halsted as he misses quite a game. First the Von Joshua factor enters the equation with the Cubs ringing out 18 runs on 38 hits (look, it is going to take a heck of a lot more than Von Joshua to get this team to hit in the clutch), but then the Cubs' bullpen factor enters the equation and the Sox score a bundle of their own. The game goes into the top of the 9th inning with the Cubs holding an 18-15 lead.

The Sox tie the game when, with the bases loaded and one out, A.J. Pierzynski hits a medium-range fly ball to right field. Afraid of throwing the ball into the stands, Hasbro Suckstein figures it is safer to run the ball to the plate, but trips and tears his hamstring, allowing all three runners to score. Mark Buehrle hits a pinch hit home run to win the game. Final score: Sox 19, Cubs 18.

GAME 2: Ryan Dempster (Cubs) vs Gavin Floyd (Sox)

Ozzie misses his second game of the series after being bitten by a rat in the Sox clubhouse. The Sox remember that they are the Sox and the Cubs remember that they are the Cubs and both teams revert to their nomal ways. Rich Harden suffers a bad case of wind burn from all Alfonso Soriano's, Kosuke Fukudome's and Josh Fields' swings and misses and is put on the 60-day disabled list. He is expected back in September... of 2014. After twenty-five innnings of scoreless baseball, Bud Selig calls the game and both teams go to Murphy's. Final Score: Cubs 0, Sox 0.

GAME 3: David Wells (Cubs) vs Jose Contreras (Sox)

Before the game, the Cubs announce two trades. In the first, they sent Randy Wells to the Old Country Buffett in exchange for David Wells and a Jabba the Hutt action figure. In the second, they trade Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Ryan Theriot, Yosh Kawono, the rights to Marla Collins, Moises' old piss bucket, and a Mark Prior autographed MRI machine to Cleveland for Hank Aaron, er, Mark DeRosa and a Brian Boitano action figure. Upon arriving at the park, Wells mistakes Alexi Ramirez for a stick of beef jerky and eats him. DeRosa performs CPR on an old man who had a heart attack and delivers two babies in the third-base women's bathroom. He promises to work on Chicago's bid to host the Olympic games and then search the mountains of Afghanistan for Bin Laden.

With Ozzie not in attendance due to his promise to attend Hugo Chavez' birthday party, Joey Cora agrees with Lou to have only DeRosa and James Gordon Beckham and the pitchers play. Beckham hits a grounder to DeRosa who throws it to DeRosa to get Beckham. You get the picture. Rich Harden suffers severe eye strain from watching the two superstars go at it and will now be out until 2021. Jose Contreras and Bobby Scales talk about how how much stress the Civil War put on their families.

The game takes an odd turn when Beckham is too busy staring at Scotty Pods' wife to pay attention and is knocked unconscious when he is hit in the head by a line drive. DeRosa hits seven straight home runs to give the Cubs a 118-117 lead with the team only needing to get through the top of the 5th for it to be an official game. Carlos Marmol comes in and walks the first three "batters" on 12 pitches despite the fact that Beckham is being taken to the hospital and there is nobody in the batter's box. Mark DeRosa relieves Marmol and strikes out the side preserving a 118-117 Cubs' win.

So, like I said, I hate it.

* What do you think of the Cubs-Sox series? Please comment!!