Lack of Faith

It is official. I need help.

Seven runs was not enough. Twenty-five baserunners was not enough. Six and two-thirds innings of three-hit, shutout baseball from Ted Lilly was not enough. Aaron Heilman actually getting five outs without walking a batter was not enough. And just for the record, I never thought eight was enough either, but after seeing what became of young Nicholas Bradford after living with five older sisters, Grant Goodeve and the guy who played Buddy on Charles in Charge, I realize I may have been wrong. Pot, coke, driving drunk? Who does he think he is? Corie Blount?

The sad truth is that I guess I just cannot allow myself to be believe when it comes to the 2009 Chicago Cubs. Oh sure, I'm plenty happy that they won last night and crawled to within 2 1/2 games of first place (not to mention the fact that they pulled even with the Cardinals who are making like Ike Broslovski doing an imitation of David Caruso's career), but I still caution everyone to stop cancelling their October plans to make a trip to Atlanta to see the two of the most significant places in baseball history -- the spot where Hank Aaron's 715th career home run landed and, of course, the childhood home of all-time legend James Gordon Beckham -- in order to be in front of their TVs for Game One of the Cubs' first appearance in the World Series since the introduction of the ballpoint pen for the low, low price of $12.50. Yes, George Michael, I know I have just gotta have faith, faith, faith. The problem is that I just cannot seem to get faith. She's seems happy with Tim McGraw. Maybe I ought to try Shania, Shania, Shania.

You see, the problem lies in the stats referenced above -- the fact that the team had seven runs and 25 baserunners. Yes, I recognize that at first glance, that seems like a good thing, but only getting seven runs when you get 25 baserunners is like scoring a single touchdown despite amassing 500 yards of offense. It is like getting ten free throws and only making five (yes, Kobe, I'm looking at you). It is like buying a jumbo, industrial sized bag of Hershey's morsels and only ending up with five cookies.

By the way, speaking of wasting chocolate, has there ever been a more ill-conceived idea than Wonkavision? I mean, you take a slab of chocolate that Bobby Jenks would have trouble finishing and turn it into a normal sized bar? Given the value of the original slab, can someone please tell me how much that little bar has to cost for it to make any business sense whatsoever? Of course, Wonka is the same guy who pshawed the idea of hiring Chinese labor at 13 cents an hour, realizing that he could just uproot Oompa Loompas, enslave them, and force them to make everlasting gobstoppers and lickable wallpaper, so who am I to argue with his business acumen? And they sing and dance too!

Anyway, the bottom line is that team with a real offense would have scored at least three touchdowns and added a couple of field goals as well, Michael Jordan would have gone 10 for 10 and led his team to a sweep. And a good chef could have taken the bag and ended up with four dozen cookies, a pound of fudge and an entire chocolate room, complete with a river and a waterfall. Sixteen men left on base?

Ugh. Like I said, I need help.

* The biggest culprit was Hasbro Suckstein who was formally known as Parker Brothers who was formally known as Milton Bradley who also goes by the alias of Leavenworth/ St. Brutus' Home for the Criminally Insane Candidate #7825. Bradley started the game with the Jeromy Burnitz Memorial Hat Trick -- a strikeout, a pop out and a double play grounder -- and finished the game with a stat line that brought back cruel memories of Ozzie Timmons. Zero for six with three punch outs and ten men left on base. Man, it is a good thing he did not get one more at-bat or he would have needed Antonio Alfonseca's hands to keep track of his LOB.

I do have to admit that I did enjoy his the cute game of "This Little Piggy" that he played with his bats, as in "this little bat went to the guy in the wife-beater who was seated behind the Cubs' dugout... this little bat ended up smashed in three pieces at home plate... this little bat ended up shoved up the cubhouse attendant's ass." Next time, he might want to think about taking one of those little bats and breaking his own ankles. That way, a guy hitting over .208 can start in right field.

Once again, I understand that hindsight is always 20/20, but can you imagine some of the things that could have been done with the $30 million that Suckstein was given? Think about it. The Cubs could have bought approximately 100,000 new bats. They could have bought about 20 new MRI machines (I mean, with Wood, Prior and Harden, the old one has got to be wearing out, right?). Who knows how many new Gatorade dispensers? 400 Porsche Boxster S series automobiles or 400,000 Teddy Ruxpins or 40 million Scrum-Diddly-Umptious bars. Heck, they could have even gotten 60-70% of a Stephen Strasburg or an entire Mark DeRo... Never mind, I'm not going there. The bottom line is that I have not seen such inadvasible spending since Universal Pictures spent $175 million to make Waterworld.

Any ideas on what the Cubs could have spent the $30 million on? Please post a comment!

* Caught the end of the Sox-Tigers game last night. Can I be the first to suggest that Major League Baseball pass a rule that automatically allows a team from the AL East to go to the playoffs instead of the winner of the AL Central? I recently referred to the division that includes Jake Peavy's favorite team, Mark DeRosa's current favorite team (don't worry he can change allegiances quicker than Paris Hilton changes boyfriends), Brandon Walsh's favorite team, Eminem's favorite team, and nobody's favorite team (trust me, the people in KC are more interested in who the Chiefs' third-string left guard is going to be than who David DeJesus is or whether Paul Splitorff may wish to come out of retirement) as the AL Mediocre. Let me change that to the AL Terrible.

Did you watch that game? You know, you really have got to hate it when the plate has legs. Just take a look at how the Tigers scored their three runs to take a 6-3 lead... walk, walk, walk, double. And the Sox comeback was fueled by the following sequence of events, walk, walk, walk, walk, double. Holy moly! Is Rich Hill now on the Tigers and when did Jerome Williams get signed by the White Sox?

The bottom line that the game featured a total of 20 walks! Heck, I have not seen that many men walk in one day since Kramer and a team of George Michael fans set off to help raise money for AIDS. And, and far as I can tell, everyone agreed to wear the ribbon.

* One quick note on the controversial call at home plate in the bottom of the ninth. I have seen the replay numeorus times and have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to tell whether Wise was out or safe. Of course, Hawk Harrelson was absolutely positive that he was safe and blamed the entire game on the ump. It is always something with that guy which, in my opinion, makes him about as likeable as Veruca Salt.

* Finally, not sure if you saw this, but Jerome Williams just issued an unprovoked statement to the media. It turns out that he has finally come to terms with his new position as the chief produce washer at the Honolulu Safeway and will not accept any trade that will send him to the White Sox. But, hey, Sweaty Freddy is back in the mix!!

Today's trivia questions: The first comes courtest of ESPN's Jayson Stark who asks who the only three pitchers are who currently have 100 or more wins and are under the age of thirty. The second, which is VERY HARD and technically is not trivia, is: can anyone figure out why Suckstein would be potential candidate #7825? The number was chosen for a reason...