Can It Really Be That Bad?

Let me start off by admitting that I am insane. Not being told what to do by a hallucination of a former colleague that I mockingly referred to as "Cutthroat Bitch" insane and certainly not Randle Patrick McMurphy after a lobotomy or enjoy one's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti insane. But probably insane none the less. Think Homer when he was sent to an institution because Marge accidentally washed his white shirt with Bart's red hat. Hopefully, I won't confuse any plumbers from New Jersey with Michael Jackson*

I am insane because there were roughly 17,385 things I could have done last night, but I decided to waste an hour or so on an activity that I knew would do nothing to improve my mood. For example, I could have looked into whatever happened to Kent Bottenfield (he is now a Christian music recording artist, by the way). I could have watched all 28 episodes of The Ropers. I could have researched the name of the woman who went on television and teased us that it is all about the big 'O,' only for us to eventually find out that her goal was to get us to buy handbags, hunting gear and old Activision consoles from some stupid website. I could have teached the world to sing. In perfect harmony.

But I was angry. As angry as Marcia when Mike and Carol decided that Greg should have the attic. As angry as Sandy when Danny Zucko blew her off at the pep rally presumably to impress Doody, Sonny and Putzie. No, not quite as angry as Glenn Close when Michael Douglas expressed an unwillingness to reenact the elevator scene, but angry none the less.

Heck, I am not sure I have been this angry since the terrific show 'Ed' was taken off the air depriving me of my weekly fix of the truly adorable Julie Bowen.

Why so angry, you ask? Well, even those of you who are relatively new to the Random Thoughts are probably aware of how much I hate it when a baseball team cannot get a runner in from third with less than two outs. It is likely my number one pet peeve in all of sports. And, I have been moaning about the 2009 Cubs' legendary inability to get the job done since mid-April. But when Lee and Soto failed to get Theriot home from third in the 4th inning of yesterday's abhorrent 4-1 loss to the Sox, I had enough and I had to look into just how bad it has been. And I have to say that even I was not prepared for what I found.

Going into my research, I figured that the Cubs' perecentage of success in terms of getting a runner home, regardless of how it happens -- by getting a base hit, hitting a sac fly, hitting a dribbler to the shortstop, whatever -- had to be lower than the major league average (which I do not pretend to know). To me, major league baseball players should have at least a 65-70% success rate (and frankly, I think that is a bit pessimistic). I mean, this is not like asking a player to do something truly difficult like hit for the cycle, lay down a bunt, or convince the world that Andres Blanco is a genine major league player.

Yet, the 2009 Cubs rate is an unbelievably paltry 38%. 38%!!!!!! And, in terms of getting a hit to drive in the run, it is a miserable 21%. Yes, you read those numbers correctly... they have had 117 chances to get a runner in from third with less than two outs and been successful only 45 times!!!

The main culprits have been the pitching staff (0-9), Koyie Hill (0-6), Scales (1-5); Miles (1-5); Hoffpauir (3-10); Soto (3-9); Sammy Sosa Soriano (4-11; only one hit); and Suckstein (4-10). The "good" players? How about Aramis (2-3); Theriot (6-10); Reed Johnson (4-7); and The Japanese Twister (4-7). Of course, calling 60% "good," is a bit like calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck the least annoying panelist on The View. Oh yeah, to his credit, Jake Fox was successful in his one and only attempt.

The remainder include D. Lee (6-11; only three hits) and Fontenot (6-12; only two hits). It should be further noted that the Cubs have had an additional ten opportunities that did result in them scoring a run as the result of an error, passed ball or bases loaded walk, which I did not factor in the calculations because, in my opinion, the player was simply lucky that Nuke LaLoosh was pitching or Chuck Knoblauch was playing the field. And, just for the record, Theriot and Fontenot have both been picked off third. Ouch!

I ask, who needs the Elias Sports Bureau when you have my insanity and a daily dose of Random Thoughts?

Like I said, I knew it was bad, but I did not know that it was THAT bad. The bottom line is that, at this point, the odds on what is likely to happen when a Cub find himself in such a situation may look as follows:

• Strikeout: 2-1


• Pop Out: 3-1


• Weak Ground Out With Run Not Scoring: 4-1


• Morganna Runs on Field and Interrupts Play: 50-1
  
• Field Overrun With Cursed Goats Causing Postponement of Game: 100-1


• Gigantic Spaceship Hovers Over Field Requiring Will Smith to Kick Some Alien Ass: 10,000-1


• Reggie Jackson Recovers Gun From Under Second Base and Shoots Queen of England: 100,000-1


• Hasbro Suckstein Recovers Gun From Under Second Base and Shoots Hillary Clinton: 500,000-1


• Cubs Get the Run Home: 1 million-1

The bottom line is that this is really a bit like Lane Meyer after Beth dumped him for the captain of the high school ski team*, words simply cannot express how pathetic it is. And the worst part is that there is simply no end in sight. I am afraid that the Cubs' utter futility is likely to make me angrier and drive me more insane as the season wears on. But whatever happens, I promise that I will not kill and boil any rabbits, no matter how much Soriano and his teammates piss me off.

* Pop Culture Trivia Questions of the Day: Who was having hallucinations about "Cutthroat Bitch?; What was the name of the actor who portrayed Randle Patrick McMurphy?; What did Dr. Lechter presumably eat for dinner immediately after the movie ended?; And what was the real name of the overweight, white New Jersey plumber who was convinced that he was Michael Jackson? Bonus Question: Name the 80's movie referenced...

**No comments needed about how disgraceful it is to go from RT Hottie #1 and Katherine Heigl to Sabine Ehrenfeld and Julie Bowen. I think they are tremendously attractive and went with a "cute" theme today. If this is not suitable, http://www.lindsaylohanneedstomakemoneysomehow.com/ is just a click away.