I Can't Think Of A Clever Title...

It will come as no surprise that I have a tendency to get quite irritated by a number of things when I watch baseball. Oh, there are the usual suspects, things like walking a leadoff hitter and failing to get a runner in from third with under two outs, but there are other things as well. For example, it drives me nuts when pitchers get behind in the count, when guys fail to move a runner over, and when guys run the bases as if it were a high school softball game where my motto was always "Just keep running. Eventually Hilda Geekenstein or Cheryl Ann Dontwanttobreakanail is going to be forced to make a play." And, of course, I am driven literally insane every time Lou tries to convince us that David Patton is a major league pitcher and whenever a Little Debbie Nutty Bar falls out of Bobby Jenks' pocket when he is on the mound.

The sad truth is that I find myself complaining to "thewife" about stupidity, foolishness and downright idiocy about ten times more than I find myself commenting about a smart, well-executed play. And if you take into account all my complaints to theson, thedaughter, thecat, and theprincefieldervoodoodoll, made after thewife has had enough and gone upstairs to read Harry Potter for the 387th time (which usually happens in about the 4th inning), the ratio probably climbs to 25-1 or so.

And that is why I could not help but grin from ear-to-ear when Alfonso Soriano stole second base in the bottom of the 9th inning of last Friday's game between the Cubs and the Cleveland DeRosites. For those of you who were too busy trying to figure out how Tiger Woods was playing his second round and Phil Mickelson was still on his first, but Ty Webb was finishing up his third to have seen the end of the Cubs' game; Soriano stole second with two outs and Ryan Theriot batting in a 7-7 tie. Soriano then scored when Theriot hit a grounder to first that magically hit one of Mark Grace's old condom wrappers, took a wicked bounce, and dribbled into right field.

Look, unless the runner is Ron Cey or Paul Konerko or the hitter at the plate is Albert Pujols, Lou Gehrig or Mark DeRosa (snicker), a stolen base should always be attempted in such a situation. If the runner stays on first base, you are relying on either an extra-base hit or two hits to score the winning run. If he successfully steals second, however, presumably all it takes is a single or a routine fly ball to Hasbro Suckstein or Soriano to get him home and enjoy a victory (yes, I realize I wrote "routine" and there are two outs in the scenario...you do the math). I ask what is more likely, especially with this year's offensively challenged Cubs' team that has enough trouble getting an extra base hit or a hit of any kind with runners in scoring position?

I am not sure why teams do not recognize this more often. The bottom line is that a runner should almost always try and steal second with two outs in the late innings of a tie game. And so, the next time, you see a Cubs' batter hit a single that merely moves a runner up to second or third, followed by an out, you can be sure that I am more irritated than Keira Knightly when she discovered that she has not been named a Random Thoughts Hottie as of yet..

Quick hits from the last four days of baseball...

* I admit that I gave up on last Friday's game versus the DeRosites and went grocery shopping. Down 7-1 with Cliff Lee on the mound, a Cubs' comback seemed about as likely as Eric Cartman going on a diet. In fact, I believe thekids were fighting over whether to go with Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes or Beefy Logs when the Cubs scored four in the bottom of the 8th. Glad I made it back in front of a TV to see Soriano imitate Tim Raines in the 9th, when 99% of the time, he continues to imitate Dave Kingman. It truly was a great win.

* Lou may have made a wise managerial move when he had Kingman, er, Soriano steal a base on Friday, but that is about the only smart move he made all weekend. His worst decision was deciding to have Big Z pinch hit in the 11th inning of the game on Saturday when Soto and Jake Fox remained viable options. Look, I understand that Carlos is a decent hitter and I would understand the move if it were the 5th or 6th inning, but in the 11th? I mean, what exactly was he saving Soto and Fox for? Does Fox have a long history of coming through in the 17th and 18th innings? Was Soto working on his eyebrows in the clubhouse and, therefore, not in the dugout? Pinch hitting Zambrano in that spot is like calling Tim Taylor and asking him to fix your facuet when Bob Vila and Handy Manny are waiting by the phone.

* I also disagreed with Lou's decision to let Ryan Dempster bat in the top of the 7th in last night's game and I certainly made my feelings known as he was walking up to the plate. After having to listen to me whine and moan, I'll betcha thewife wishes she had lost herself in the world of Harry, Hermonie and all their friends a few innings earlier. I am not sure what Lou was thinking. Perhaps he wanted a coveted spot on the list of People Who Are Pissing Me Off This Week. Congrats Lou. You made it!

* Bob Brenly's prediction of Mich Hoffpauir's home run in the 6th inning of Saturday's game was really something. Anyone can predict that Soriano will strike out or Aaron Heilman will walk every other batter he faces or Dempster will give up a run in the bottom of the 7th after batting in the top of the inning (which I did by the way) or even that Soto will continue to miss his postgame professional eyebrow manicure appointments if the Cubs continue to play so many extra inning games, but to correctly predict a pinch hit home run with such certainty, is pretty amazing.

* Anyone notice that Derrek Lee's hot streak started when I suggested that the team assign him Gatorade machine guarding duty? I suggest we now recommend that "Little Paul Bako" be put in charge of watching over the barrell of Double Bubble and Soriano be asked to take responsibility for Rich Harden's first aid kit. After all, isn't he due for a paper cut? Kosuke's good luck Hello Kitty? The Japanese Twister can take care of that himself.

* Speaking of injuries...really unfortunate news that Angel Guzman, the team's most dependable arm out of the bullpen, has been put on the 15-day DL. Lou and Larry Roth-s-child better hope Marmol regains his '08 form soon or look into what Terry Adams is doing these days.

* Reason #6,954 Why I Sometimes Hate Sports Radio: Matt Spiegel, the new co-host of the Score's "We Could Not Find Anyone Else, So We Brought Back A Guy Who Most of Chicago Hates and Who Has Bashed Us Incessently For the Past Eight Years Show" (more commonly known as the "Danny Mac Show") commented on how much he enjoyed watching Saturday's Sox-Reds game because he likes watching "well played baseball." Excuse me? Is he talking about the same game that produced five errors, 34 team runners left-on-base, a hit batter, and a wild pitch? The same game that almost made Bill Melton throw up the eighteen hot dogs he ate? The same game that even caused Einstein Jones to comment about how poorly it was played? Calling Saturday's game "well played," is like calling Dr. House easy to get along with or commenting that Rosie O'Donnell is both in great shape and not annoying.

* Perhaps The Score or ESPN Radio can hire Dusty Baker to host a show when he is done with his stint as the Reds' manager. Dusty, who managed both Barry Bonds and Steroid Sammy, noted that he was surprised by the reports that both had used performance enhancing drugs and stated that he knew nothing about it. Are you sure those toothpicks are laced with tree tea oil and not LSD, Dusty? Of course, this is the same guy who continues to allow Stephen Hawking Hairston to play everyday...

Have a great night!

Pick A Lane

I have always liked the movie American Pie. That said, I struggle with the scene when Jim discovers the newly baked apple pie(especially in the uncut version). I just have a hard time watching it and my inclination is to fast forward until he has finished pretending that the pie is Jaime Pressly. Yet, despite knowing full well that it is coming up, I always end up leaving it on it for some reason.

And so it was with yesterday's drive home from work. I knew it was going to happen. I knew I was going to get as frustrated as Jan when Marcia kept winning trophy after trophy. But there I was tuning the dial to the Afternoon Saloon of Stupidity on AM 1000. And, to make matters worse, there I was turning the dial to The Boers and Bernstein 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour during commercials. Oh sure, I could have rocked out to Van Halen on JACK FM, lost myself in the music listening to Eminem on KISS or even enjoyed getting lost in love by listening to Air Supply on the Lite. Heck, I suppose I even could have listened to WGCI and either shaked my groove thing or jumped around, jumped around, jumped up, jumped up and got down.

But no.

And, I heard exactly what I expected....

• "Hell yeah!! Believe baby! You have got to believe that this is the year!!!"
  
  
• "Whoo hoo!!! I am going to skip buying that Ryne Sandberg rookie card so I can save my money for World Series tickets! This team is going all the way."
  
  
• "Alfonso Soriano is the greatest thing to happen to Chicago since the city found out it had been awarded the '68 Democratic National Convention. He is worth every penny. In fact, give the guy a raise!!!"

Oh brother.

Wasn't it just ten hours earlier when I heard the exact three callers say...

• "What the hell? Believe? Yeah right. I believe that this team stinks!"
  
  
• "Boo hoo!!! This team has as much chance of going all the way as Bartolo Colon has of teaching a dieting class. I'm going to crack open my cubby bear bank and buy a Jerome Walton rookie card!"
  
  
• Alfonso Soriano is the worst thing to happen to Chicago since the city was awarded the '68 Democratic National Convention. He is a complete waste of money. In fact, he should be forced to give some back!"

For gosh sakes, pick a lane.

This is the main reason that I am becoming increasingly turned off by sports radio and it is not as if there is a dearth of reasons. I mean how often do we have to listen to Greenie gush about the Jets and Golic drool over Notre Dame? For how long do we have to listen to Mully and Hanley proclaim to have all the answers? What "expert" suggestion does Silvy and whoever is filling in for the absent Tom Waddle really have to offer? I mean, how many times do we have to hear that the Most Interesting Man in the World once successfully mated a giraffe and a walrus or how chugging a Vault helped Rory kick it on cruise control as he hauls sauerkraut all the wall across the Arizona state line?

But the number one thing I cannot stand is the utter fickleness of sports radio callers. One day the Cubs or Sox are definite playoff participants and the next they might as well trade all their players for a former Mexican Leaguer with bad knees, a pretty boy third baseman who would rather be an interior designer, and a pitcher who has spent the last year playing cards for cigarettes with Andy Dufresne and an army of ex-Illinois governors.

One day Soriano is washed up and the next the Cubs would be better off asking Roosevelt Brown to take off the White Castle apron and put on the home pinstripes.

It is really bordering on ridiculous. Whose calling in? John Kerry?

I firmly believe that one thing I will never be accused of is being a fair weather fan. I believe that those who know me well will agree that I won't waver about my feelings for a player, regardless of whether he goes 5-5 with a pair of home runs or whether he goes 0-5 with three strikeouts and throws the ball into the stands. I trust I proved this point during Rex the Wonder Dog's tenure with the Bears, regardless of whether he was completing passes to Bernard Berrian and Muhsin Muhammed or to Darren Sharper and Mike McKenzie.

By the way, I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed that Rex was signed by the Houston Texans. I certainly do not wish him any ill will, but I have to question whether this means that we will not be treated to the new sitcom "The Wonder Dog Years" this fall. I was really looking forward to the episode where Rex and his best friend Kyle the Bearded Lady go to visit Winnie Cooper at the go-go boots store, but the car gets towed because Rex parked in a handicapped space. And I suppose the episode where Becky Slater punches Rex in the nose for dropping too many snaps from center is now never going to be broadcast. I wonder whose ass is Wayne going to kick?

Look, I am not going to be a wet blanket today and talk about how yesterday's game does nothing to transform Marmol back into the Marmol we used to know and love (since he is presently a modern day Juan Cruz) or magically stop The Japanese Twister from spiraling himself into the ground. In fact, I agree that it was a huge win for the Cubs, tremendously exciting and may very well prove to be exactly what the team needs. But it drives me nuts how some people are treating it as if it did anything more than raise their record back to the break even mark. Even worse is the fact that if Bearister is right and Rich Harden goes down this afternoon with an infected mosquito bite and Cliff Lee shuts out the Cubs on three hits, the same callers will be phoning the sports radio shows and talking about how Jim Hendry makes Isiah Thomas look like a competent general manager, Jim Essian would be better off managing the team, and the Cubs will finish behind the Pirates in the standings. Aaarrrr.

As for Soriano, nothing that happened in yesterday's game does anything to change my opinion that he is not a clutch hitter and is more overpaid than Jack Haley when he was paid millions to carry Dennis Rodman'd jockstrap. After all, for all the vitriol we have thrown Hasbro Suckstein's way this year, his batting average is now 14 points higher than Soriano's. And let's not act like his game winning hit was a solid single into the gap. It really was nothing more than a bloop. Give him credit for having the strength to muscle a pretty good pitch over the infield, but, ultimately, it was nothing more than a blooper that he simply, as the saying goes, "hit it where they ain't.

And I still hate that freakin' hop.

* I also want to mention that, while Soriano may have had a big hit in the 8th inning, it did come after he was the beneficiary of what was a bad call by the home plate umpire on what should have been a called strike three. That said, regardless of whether it was a bad call or not, Hawk Harrelson's reaction and subsequent absolute refusal to let it go resulted in one of the most unprofessional performances by an announcer that I have ever heard. Look, I enjoy a "homer" as much as anyone. I understand that it is Hawk, Len Kaspar, and Harry Doyle's job to paint as rosy a picture as possible, but it is dangerous when one's announcing enters the realm of unprofessionalism, as Hawk's did.

Hawk essentially blamed the entire loss on the single missed call and would not shut up about it. I was very proud of Steve Stone who responded to Hawk's ranting that "one bad call has completely changed this entire game," with "well yeah, that, an error, and a couple of fast balls thrown right over the heart of the plate." You may hate Ron Santo for the fact that he has no clue what is happeing in the game, and the fact that he is likely to call Sean Marshall, Jim Marshall or Marshall Mathers, but, at least he does not bitch and moan and absolutely refuse to let it go.

* A quick warning to anyone who will be driving in Chicago this weekend. Please remember that the motorcade will likely cause the police to close numerous streets, including a number of major thoroughfares. Barack Obama? The Pope? Akeem, the Price of Zamunda? Please... How soon you forget that Mark DeRosa will be in town.

Can It Really Be That Bad?

Let me start off by admitting that I am insane. Not being told what to do by a hallucination of a former colleague that I mockingly referred to as "Cutthroat Bitch" insane and certainly not Randle Patrick McMurphy after a lobotomy or enjoy one's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti insane. But probably insane none the less. Think Homer when he was sent to an institution because Marge accidentally washed his white shirt with Bart's red hat. Hopefully, I won't confuse any plumbers from New Jersey with Michael Jackson*

I am insane because there were roughly 17,385 things I could have done last night, but I decided to waste an hour or so on an activity that I knew would do nothing to improve my mood. For example, I could have looked into whatever happened to Kent Bottenfield (he is now a Christian music recording artist, by the way). I could have watched all 28 episodes of The Ropers. I could have researched the name of the woman who went on television and teased us that it is all about the big 'O,' only for us to eventually find out that her goal was to get us to buy handbags, hunting gear and old Activision consoles from some stupid website. I could have teached the world to sing. In perfect harmony.

But I was angry. As angry as Marcia when Mike and Carol decided that Greg should have the attic. As angry as Sandy when Danny Zucko blew her off at the pep rally presumably to impress Doody, Sonny and Putzie. No, not quite as angry as Glenn Close when Michael Douglas expressed an unwillingness to reenact the elevator scene, but angry none the less.

Heck, I am not sure I have been this angry since the terrific show 'Ed' was taken off the air depriving me of my weekly fix of the truly adorable Julie Bowen.

Why so angry, you ask? Well, even those of you who are relatively new to the Random Thoughts are probably aware of how much I hate it when a baseball team cannot get a runner in from third with less than two outs. It is likely my number one pet peeve in all of sports. And, I have been moaning about the 2009 Cubs' legendary inability to get the job done since mid-April. But when Lee and Soto failed to get Theriot home from third in the 4th inning of yesterday's abhorrent 4-1 loss to the Sox, I had enough and I had to look into just how bad it has been. And I have to say that even I was not prepared for what I found.

Going into my research, I figured that the Cubs' perecentage of success in terms of getting a runner home, regardless of how it happens -- by getting a base hit, hitting a sac fly, hitting a dribbler to the shortstop, whatever -- had to be lower than the major league average (which I do not pretend to know). To me, major league baseball players should have at least a 65-70% success rate (and frankly, I think that is a bit pessimistic). I mean, this is not like asking a player to do something truly difficult like hit for the cycle, lay down a bunt, or convince the world that Andres Blanco is a genine major league player.

Yet, the 2009 Cubs rate is an unbelievably paltry 38%. 38%!!!!!! And, in terms of getting a hit to drive in the run, it is a miserable 21%. Yes, you read those numbers correctly... they have had 117 chances to get a runner in from third with less than two outs and been successful only 45 times!!!

The main culprits have been the pitching staff (0-9), Koyie Hill (0-6), Scales (1-5); Miles (1-5); Hoffpauir (3-10); Soto (3-9); Sammy Sosa Soriano (4-11; only one hit); and Suckstein (4-10). The "good" players? How about Aramis (2-3); Theriot (6-10); Reed Johnson (4-7); and The Japanese Twister (4-7). Of course, calling 60% "good," is a bit like calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck the least annoying panelist on The View. Oh yeah, to his credit, Jake Fox was successful in his one and only attempt.

The remainder include D. Lee (6-11; only three hits) and Fontenot (6-12; only two hits). It should be further noted that the Cubs have had an additional ten opportunities that did result in them scoring a run as the result of an error, passed ball or bases loaded walk, which I did not factor in the calculations because, in my opinion, the player was simply lucky that Nuke LaLoosh was pitching or Chuck Knoblauch was playing the field. And, just for the record, Theriot and Fontenot have both been picked off third. Ouch!

I ask, who needs the Elias Sports Bureau when you have my insanity and a daily dose of Random Thoughts?

Like I said, I knew it was bad, but I did not know that it was THAT bad. The bottom line is that, at this point, the odds on what is likely to happen when a Cub find himself in such a situation may look as follows:

• Strikeout: 2-1


• Pop Out: 3-1


• Weak Ground Out With Run Not Scoring: 4-1


• Morganna Runs on Field and Interrupts Play: 50-1
  
• Field Overrun With Cursed Goats Causing Postponement of Game: 100-1


• Gigantic Spaceship Hovers Over Field Requiring Will Smith to Kick Some Alien Ass: 10,000-1


• Reggie Jackson Recovers Gun From Under Second Base and Shoots Queen of England: 100,000-1


• Hasbro Suckstein Recovers Gun From Under Second Base and Shoots Hillary Clinton: 500,000-1


• Cubs Get the Run Home: 1 million-1

The bottom line is that this is really a bit like Lane Meyer after Beth dumped him for the captain of the high school ski team*, words simply cannot express how pathetic it is. And the worst part is that there is simply no end in sight. I am afraid that the Cubs' utter futility is likely to make me angrier and drive me more insane as the season wears on. But whatever happens, I promise that I will not kill and boil any rabbits, no matter how much Soriano and his teammates piss me off.

* Pop Culture Trivia Questions of the Day: Who was having hallucinations about "Cutthroat Bitch?; What was the name of the actor who portrayed Randle Patrick McMurphy?; What did Dr. Lechter presumably eat for dinner immediately after the movie ended?; And what was the real name of the overweight, white New Jersey plumber who was convinced that he was Michael Jackson? Bonus Question: Name the 80's movie referenced...

**No comments needed about how disgraceful it is to go from RT Hottie #1 and Katherine Heigl to Sabine Ehrenfeld and Julie Bowen. I think they are tremendously attractive and went with a "cute" theme today. If this is not suitable, http://www.lindsaylohanneedstomakemoneysomehow.com/ is just a click away.

The Plague on the House of Baseball Revisited

I have to warn you. Today's post may be a little shocking and so I want to make sure everyone is sitting down before I start. Mad Chemist...pull up a lab stool. AllHailtheChief... there is a tepee blanket right over there. Bearister... you go ahead and sit in Lance Briggs lap. Golden Sombrero... Soriano is happy to give up his seat for a namesake. Everyone else, please find yourself a La-Z-Boy, oversized bean bag, big plastic hand, or an egg. Everyone comfortable? Good.

Katherine Heigl is hot.

Kim Jong-Il is not a nice person.

Zack Morris is the coolest kid in the school.

Eric Cartman needs to lay off the cheesy poofs, snacky cakes and powdered donut pancake surprise.

Okay, I hope that I have now laid the groundwork for what is to come. I hope that the above realities have come as such a shock that you are now fully prepared for I have what to say next. I hope that you are thinking "Katherine Heigl is hot? Zack Morris is cool? Eric Cartman is fat? I always thought he was big boned!! I cannot believe it!!!" There is simply nothing else I can do to prepare you for what is coming next, so I will just come out and say it.

In 2003, Sammy Sosa tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Someone please pick George H.W. Bush off the floor. And see if you can get that pretzel out of his throat.

I know, I know, who saw that one coming? I mean, Sammy was the face of the Cubs from 1992-2004. What else are we going to learn about those beloved teams? That Rod Beck did not do a daily yoga routine? That Kyle Farnsworth liked the drinky drinky? That Mark Grace's little black book was not so little?

So, now there is "proof" that Sammy was not just popping Dinos, Barneys and Bam Bams. Wait a minute? Does this this mean that his corked bat was not really just for batting practice?

Of course, the big questions now involve how we should look at Sammy's legacy and whether he should be elected to the Hall of Fame. Well, those of you who have been readers of the Random Thoughts since its inception (back in those wonderful days when we believed that Cedric Benson could be the next Walter Payton and not the next Rashaan Salaam) may remember my thoughts on steroids and how players proven to have used performance enhancing drugs should be penalized. But, for the sake of those who are new to the RT, I have borrowed many of my original thoughts from May 2006. And to those of you who have heard this before, in the words of Sammy, I apallagi (and have thrown in some new stuff to entice you to keep reading).

My opinion of what I have referred to as the "Plague Upon the House of Baseball" is essentially the same now as it was then....whatever. Yes, I continue to recognize the disturbing impact that steroid use by our sports heroes can have on the little kiddies out there and I know that I should be concerned about the health and well being of the athletes that we grew up idolizing. Further, I appreciate that the steroid era has compromised the purity of the game to some degree, but the truth remains that it is too late to go back and change history. The truth is that until Dr. Emmett Brown comes along with his DeLoren and a pocketful of plutonium, there is really nothing we can do.

We now know that A-Rod, Giambi, Palmeiro and countless others did steroids and we have every reason to believe that Clemens, Bonds, McGwire, and Tejada did as well. Heck, for all we know Keith Moreland may have done steroids. In fact, I think the only person that we know for sure has not done steroids is Mark DeRosa. After all, those born on Krypton do not need no stinkin' drugs.

So, what are we going to do about it? Put an asterisk next to records? Suspend those players who are still playing? Keep them out of Hall of Fame? Send them to their bedrooms without any supper? Tell them they can't see the Itchy and Scratchy movie or have the sleepover they were sooooo looking forward to?

Here's what we should do...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now that the "steroid era" has been confirmed and the new testing system has been put in place, it is time to move on. Asterisks? Suspensions? No supper? Please...

After all, why does it really matter if a juiced Ron Kittle tried to hit pitches thrown by a juiced Frank Viola?

First of all, most of the performance enhancing substances that players are being accused of having gotten involved with were NOT illegal when they were taken. "Yes, Mr. Wagner. I know that you were only going 35 miles an hour when you 'accidentally' ran over a drunk Hawk Harrelson and the posted speed limit was 65, but we have now lowered the limit to 15 mph, so it's off to the slammer with you. Be sure to say hi to Donte' Stallworth and Plaxico Burress for me."

Second, how can we be sure that steroids or HGH were responsible for Sammy's or Mark's or Augie Ojeda's home runs? Maybe it was the Flintstone vitamins. Maybe it was a Moutain Dew. Maybe it was a Red Bull? Did anyone ever check whether Sammy had sprouted wings? Does anyone know the true impact of performance enhancing drugs and do we count those home runs that smashed windows across the street but not those that landed in the basket?

I am sure you agree that there is no clean and simple way. And we should not even attempt to look for one.

Those who believe that confirmed users should be punished and kept out of the Hall of Fame will argue that we are talking about the most hallowed record in all of sports. More hallowed than Pete Rose's career hits. More hallowed than Kareem Abdul Jabaar's points. More hallowed than Derrek Lee's double plays hit into or Rich Hill's walks per innings pitched.

But how do we know that Hank Aaron was clean? Or Roger Maris? I mean, how do we really know?

They will argue that there were not the advancements in performance enhancing substances in the 20's, 50's, 60's that there are today and, as a result, modern day players have a tremendous advantage and are naturally going to hit more home runs (pun fully intended).

Well, don't you think that Barry Bonds would have liked to have played at the Polo Grounds where it was a measly 258 feet to the bleachers in right field? Sheesh, Little Babe Ruth may have hit 70 dingers a year there.

I think you get my point...

One of the most wonderful things about baseball is that it is not uniform. Stadiums are configured differently. Some players have the luxury of facing Washington Nationals' pitching 18 times a year. Others may catch a break and play a game with the wind blowing out in Wrigley and David Patton on the hill. Some have to contend with the south side distraction and fear of random nut jobs charging the field. There are a lot of factors that enter the equation.

Performance enhancing drugs are no doubt a BIG one. I am not denying that. But to act like it is the only factor...to act like players in the past did not enjoy advantages...to act like the glory years of baseball consisted of all-American young men, eating steak and potatoes, rescuing cats from trees and having enough energy to smile the grandest smile for the local press is foolish.

But steroids affect the player, himself, and, therefore, make performance no longer completely the result of natural ability they will argue.

Well, where do you draw the line? Hundreds of players take painkillers on a daily basis to be ready to take the field. Is this cheating? Should we bash Paul Konerko for taking a cortizone shot to return from what could have been a crippling wrist injury? Doesn't that take performance completely out of the Paulie's hands? What about the little pills Babe Ruth was sure to take after night-after-night of hanging out with Norm Peterson's grandfather? Should Pedro Cerrano be ostracized for relying on voodoo to boost his power numbers?

Look, I am not saying that painkillers are in the same ballpark as taking steroids. I just think that if we are going to make an all-encompassing argument that enhancing one's performance is bad, then one must look at all sides of the issue and be prepared to be overun by the worms that are sure to come spilling out of the can.

Finally, to test how ridiculous I can make this, do we need to ban "new and improved" equipment? How about those stupid looking shoes that were sold in the back of sports magazines that promised to make you jump higher? (Oh, come on, you know the ones I am talking about. With the big pads under the toes.) How about Blu Blockers?

Continue to investigate the use of steroids all you want if it will make you feel better to know that Albert Belle was juicing. Institute an even tougher testing policy. Penalize the violators who fail tests that are instituted under the new policy. Teach the children well. Demand the return of the purity of the game. But leave the past be the past.

And make sure Sammy gets his plaque in Cooperstown. He deserves it.

* By the way, with the news about Sammy's confirmed test, I have deleted all responses to the poll on whether he should be elected to the Hall of Fame so that everyone can re-vote. Please be sure to do so.

** Please also be sure to join the chat regarding the Cubs-Sox game in the comments to the "Today's Schedule" post immediately below!!

Looking Into My Crystal Ball...

I hate it.

Oh, I know I am supposed to like it. Heck, the Chicago media and the so-called baseball experts keep telling me that I am supposed to love it. But I don't.

It is certainly not the first or only thing that I am "supposed" to like that I simply don't. For example, I cannot understand the attraction of rubbing shoulders with thousands of sweaty people who smell like they just crawled out of the Death Star Space Station garbage compactor while eating seven dollar chicken-on-a-stick at the Taste of Chicago (although Bearister and I will be going to see BNL on June 3o if you would like to join us!). Further, I am not sure why I should care whether Warren Sapp is better at the Electric Slide or A.C. Slater can do a perfect Macarena and, therefore, do not waste my time watching Dancing With the Stars (although I will admit that I am curious to see Kelly Monaco do the Lambada). And, you know what? I think U2 is overrated. There, I said it. Overrated.

You see, the annual Cubs-Sox series is something that I really do not enjoy in the least. Frankly, the six days when the two Chicago baseball teams match-up are among my least favorite days of the year, ranking right up there with the annual trip to the dentist, the day after the end of the NCAA Tournament, and the day I clean all the dead animals out of the garage (I'd include the day I go for my annual heart checkup in the mix, but, well, you know...). The bottom line is there is way too much stress when the Cubs and Sox play. Frankly, after watching the games, I think I begin to understand how a live cat in a Beiging market must feel.

Now don't get me wrong... I certainly understand that the great rivalries are supposed to be the most fun games/ events to watch... the Hawks skating against the Red Wings; Ali and Frazier trading punches; the Sharks and Jets knife fighting over Maria; Danny's Little Giants taking on Kevin's Cowboys; Greg and Marcia dating complete morons just to get under each other's skin (although I have a sneaking suspicion that Greg may have had something else in mind if he could just get her to shut up... s-s-slu-t-t-t...). But they are not. Not in my world. I guess you can blame it on Mike Caruso. After all, the only reason anyone knows who the heck he is is compliments to a horrible Rick Aguilera fastball (although I think he may have been the kid in the background who was looking at the Ken dolls when Peter saved the little girl from being buried in a mountain of Kitty Carryalls).

Now, regardless of whether I like it or not, the games are going to be played. And, while I may not be Professor Sybil Trelawny or Miss Cleo, I think I have an idea regarding how everything is going to play out. So, let's take a look at what we can expect to happen this week at the Friendly Confines...

GAME 1: Jake Peavy (Cubs) vs. Jake Peavy (White Sox). Brian Roberts leads off the bottom of the first with a booming home run. Oh never mind...

GAME 1: Big Z (Cubs) vs. Jon Danks (Sox)

After an uneventful first inning, all hell breaks loose before the second. Big Z goes nuts when the electronic peanut is declared the winner over the almond in the Planter's scoreboard race. He tries to throw the scoreboard operator out of the game before being sent to the showers by the umps. On his way out, the Gatorade machine is not spared.

Meanwhile, in the visitors' dugout, Joey Cora continues to manage in place of Ozzie who cannot find a place to park. Too bad Ozzie is stuck at Grace and Halsted as he misses quite a game. First the Von Joshua factor enters the equation with the Cubs ringing out 18 runs on 38 hits (look, it is going to take a heck of a lot more than Von Joshua to get this team to hit in the clutch), but then the Cubs' bullpen factor enters the equation and the Sox score a bundle of their own. The game goes into the top of the 9th inning with the Cubs holding an 18-15 lead.

The Sox tie the game when, with the bases loaded and one out, A.J. Pierzynski hits a medium-range fly ball to right field. Afraid of throwing the ball into the stands, Hasbro Suckstein figures it is safer to run the ball to the plate, but trips and tears his hamstring, allowing all three runners to score. Mark Buehrle hits a pinch hit home run to win the game. Final score: Sox 19, Cubs 18.

GAME 2: Ryan Dempster (Cubs) vs Gavin Floyd (Sox)

Ozzie misses his second game of the series after being bitten by a rat in the Sox clubhouse. The Sox remember that they are the Sox and the Cubs remember that they are the Cubs and both teams revert to their nomal ways. Rich Harden suffers a bad case of wind burn from all Alfonso Soriano's, Kosuke Fukudome's and Josh Fields' swings and misses and is put on the 60-day disabled list. He is expected back in September... of 2014. After twenty-five innnings of scoreless baseball, Bud Selig calls the game and both teams go to Murphy's. Final Score: Cubs 0, Sox 0.

GAME 3: David Wells (Cubs) vs Jose Contreras (Sox)

Before the game, the Cubs announce two trades. In the first, they sent Randy Wells to the Old Country Buffett in exchange for David Wells and a Jabba the Hutt action figure. In the second, they trade Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Ryan Theriot, Yosh Kawono, the rights to Marla Collins, Moises' old piss bucket, and a Mark Prior autographed MRI machine to Cleveland for Hank Aaron, er, Mark DeRosa and a Brian Boitano action figure. Upon arriving at the park, Wells mistakes Alexi Ramirez for a stick of beef jerky and eats him. DeRosa performs CPR on an old man who had a heart attack and delivers two babies in the third-base women's bathroom. He promises to work on Chicago's bid to host the Olympic games and then search the mountains of Afghanistan for Bin Laden.

With Ozzie not in attendance due to his promise to attend Hugo Chavez' birthday party, Joey Cora agrees with Lou to have only DeRosa and James Gordon Beckham and the pitchers play. Beckham hits a grounder to DeRosa who throws it to DeRosa to get Beckham. You get the picture. Rich Harden suffers severe eye strain from watching the two superstars go at it and will now be out until 2021. Jose Contreras and Bobby Scales talk about how how much stress the Civil War put on their families.

The game takes an odd turn when Beckham is too busy staring at Scotty Pods' wife to pay attention and is knocked unconscious when he is hit in the head by a line drive. DeRosa hits seven straight home runs to give the Cubs a 118-117 lead with the team only needing to get through the top of the 5th for it to be an official game. Carlos Marmol comes in and walks the first three "batters" on 12 pitches despite the fact that Beckham is being taken to the hospital and there is nobody in the batter's box. Mark DeRosa relieves Marmol and strikes out the side preserving a 118-117 Cubs' win.

So, like I said, I hate it.

* What do you think of the Cubs-Sox series? Please comment!!

The Missing Piece

Corey McFerrin is talking about it. Harry Teinowitz is talking about it. Mike Mulligan is talking about it. Heck, Jim Hendry may even be talking about it.

The one reason the Cubs have vastly underperformed this year. The one reason the team's offense has more difficulty scoring than a straight, white woman at a Ricky Martin concert. The reason that Carlos Marmol cannot throw strikes, Alfonso Soriano's batting average is now lower than my cholesterol level, and Lou has morphed into some strange Dusty Baker - Bruce Kimm hybrid. Possibly even the reason that Hasbro Suckstein forgot how many outs there were.

Heck, even the Random Thoughts has alluded to it at times.

Yes friends, we are talking about the absence of Mark DeRosa from the 2009 Chicago Cubs lineup.

I mean, consider the effect that losing DeRosa has had on the team and think about what the team would look like with his bat in the middle of the order. Need someone on base? Well, there's Mark and his .999 on base percentage. DeRosa, after all, gets on base more often than the aforementioned Soriano walks back to the dugout with his head down after wildly flailing at a 52-foot slider.

Need someone to hit a big home run? Yes sir, there's Mark and his 42 homeruns and 97 RBI. I always knew that Jae Kyuk Ryu was Korean for base-on-balls, but who knew that Sadahara Oh was Japanese for Mark DeRosa? Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds did not take steroids. They took Mark DeRosa pills.

Need clutch hitting? How about Mark and his .987 batting average? At this rate, DeRosa is going to have more hits in a six month span than the Beatles. After all, did you know that the only two official plate appearances this year when Mark did not get credited with a hit were when he wanted to get a 14-0 game over as quickly as possible so as to not miss his appointment visiting sick kids in the hospital and when he hit a home run but intentionally missed first base because he did not want the pitcher to feel bad.

How about versitility? Mark is well known for being able to do everything on a baseball field. In his Atlanta days, he played all nine positions, sold popcorn at the concession stand, consulted with Jane Fonda on her workout videos, and used mind control to keep John Rocker out of trouble. Then he moved on to Texas, where, yep, he played all nine positions, sold BBQ at the concession stands, offered relationship counseling to Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, and figured out who really shot J.R. And now he is in Cleveland where he, you guessed it, plays all nine positions, bangs the big drum in centerfield, keeps JoBu plied with rum, acts as Ricky Vaughn's defense attorney, and magically repaired Jake Taylor's knees. In fact, I think LeBron James may actually be Mark DeRosa in disguise.

Want to know what hangs on the wall in the living room of the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World? An autographed photo of DeRosa.

So, can you imagine what he would be able to do if he were in Chicago? Last year, he hit .763 with 116 HR and 428 RBI, saved three kids from being hit in the head with falling concrete at Wrigley, and redesigned Ronny's prothesis. This year, there is no doubt that he would be able to cure Aramis' shoulder injury, jump in the air and block the sun every time a fly ball is hit to Hasbro Suckstein, and keep Big Z calmer than a field mouse on tranquilizers. Keep DeRosa and the Cubs are 60-0. Mike Fontenot is still Little Babe Ruth. The Gatorade Machine still has a future. Random Thoughts Hottie #1 would pick my living room as the place to watch Cubs' games.

(Sorry Mrs. Cotts. Neal Cotts is still Neal Cotts. Nothing he could do about that. I said the guy is Mark DeRosa, not Brett Favre).

Look, Mark DeRosa is a nice player. Nice guy, excellent with the media and apparently a good clubhouse presence. But, c'mon people. Let's not overstate his value. Everytime I turn on sports talk radio, I hear the same thing... "The Cubs trading Mark DeRosa makes as much sense as hiring Rod Blagojvich to teach an ethics class." or "When Hendry traded DeRosa he must have been as confused as Chastity Bono." You'd think that the Cubs traded Brock for Broligio.

In retrospect, was trading DeRosa for three sticks of chewing gum, an old sweat sock and a used beta copy of Trading Places a good idea? No. Is it possible the the absence of DeRosa from the clubhouse has had a negative effect on the entire team? Yes. But, lets remember that he is Mark DeRosa and not act like he is Willie Mays, Albert Pujols or Roy Hobbs. OK?

Now, on the other hand, if you are talking about the nonsensical release of Daryle Ward...

Commit to the Indian!

In honor of the close to the 2008-09 NHL season that is sure to come tonight when the Penguins take on the Red Wings in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, I would like to take one last look at this past season of Blackhawks' hockey, as well as take a look into the future. Besides, I can only make so many jokes about Rich Harden being hurt, can only complain about the performance of Hasbro Suckstein, and can only compare Kevin Gregg and Aaron Heilman to Matt Karcher and Dave Veres for so many days in a row before the RT will begin to resemble a Dave Matthews album (as in... isn't this essentially the exact same thing over and over).

Now, don't you worry, I'll assume that all of you will suffer the same fate as Jason Bourne this weekend and will likely be back to complaining about Harden's injured ovaries, the fact that the team is less likely to get a runner in from third with under two outs than Soriano is to finish the season with a league leading on-base percentage and reminding everyone that if they want playoff tickets this October they are going to need to visit http://www.princeryanandformercubcaseymcgehee.caseymcgehee/? or http://www.albertpujolsandabunchofnobodys.com/ depending on who ends up winning the Peavy sweepstakes this July. There is simply nothing like enjoying a brat and an Old Milwaukee while sitting next to Lenny and Squiggy at Miller Park or munching on some St. Louis spareribs and chugging a Budweiser while trying to spot Whitey Herzog and Tommy Herr in the Busch Stadium crowd. Just be sure to stop at the Mars Cheese Castle for a pound of cheddar and some rock candy. Don't worry about chipping a couple of teeth. You'll fit right in. And, for gosh sakes if the Cardinals win the NL Central, keep the windows down when you drive through East St. Louis and, whatever you do, do not stop to ask for directions. You know what happened to the Griswold family.

So let's talk pucks...

* The Hawks are in decent shape at the blueline with Seabrook and Keith, two mobile, puck-moving defensemen, anchoring the unit. Frankly, Seabrook and Keith have the potential to be an all-time great Chicago duo in the mold of Ernie and Billy, Wilbur and Otis, Ribbie and Rhubarb and Jake and Elwood. Seabrook and Keith are such an effective pairing that there is already talk that the two are likely to represent Team Canada at the 2010 Olympics. Them two sure can skate and shoot the puck, eh Gordie? Look, the bottom line is that I am not saying that the two of them are going to be as memorable a duo as when Courtney Cox Arquette spent an evening visiting Jennifer Aniston when she was in town filming "The Break-Up," but I also doubt they will go down as the next Wood and Prior or, god forbid, the next Curry and Chandler.

* Even the best pairings are most effective when they there is a third musketeer. I mean, can you imagine TLC without Left-Eye? They would just offer tender care, but no lovin'? And do you really think that Kelly and Jessie would have been able to literally participate in every single activity and sport at Bayside High without the support and assistance of Lisa Turtle? Even Scottie and Michael had Horace and later the Croatian Sensation. It is hard to say who will be the third dependable member of the Hawks' D next season, but the most promising candidate is Niklas Hjalmarsson. The Swedish defenseman is only 22 years old and showed excellent poise throughout the postseason, especially in game five versus Detroit.

* Brian Campbell is certainly never going to be a shutdown defensemen, but that is okay as long as he contributes offensively and finds himself in the right matchup. I know Chicago has not seen a defender make so many horrible mistakes in the playoffs since Peanut Tillman tried to cover Steve Smith in the 2005 Playoffs, but I still think Campbell has value. Like Marge when she wanted to spend Mr. Burns' fine to fix up Main Street while the rest of Springfield was enthralled by the idea of shiny, new monorail, I realize I am in the minority here, but I, for one, am not ready to write him off as bad signing quite yet. All offense and no defense? Just think Ben Gordon on skates.

* Up front, the Hawks are in great shape with Toews, Kane, Bolland, and Sharp leading the charge. Further, guys like Eager, Burish and Brouwer are excellent checking line options, who, although more likely to play the role of the "Killer" Carlson by knocking the living crap out of you, are also capable of playing the role of Ned Braden by putting the puck in the back of the net. I am also very confident that they will keep their clothes on.

I have already discussed my feelings on Havlat and Pahlsson, which leaves us with the team's three biggest 'X' factors up front - Ladd, Byfuglien and Versteeg. All three clearly have tremendous talent, but have specific things that they need to work on this summer. Ladd's offensive production simply does not match his talent level meaning he is the Blackhawks answer to Devin Hester. Versteeg needs to learn that not every play needs to involve a spin-o-rama, quick stop, triple lutz, drag move, and backhand shot to the top shelf and needs to learn to make the simple play. He gives up the puck too much at the offensive blue line and needs to play smarter. Byfuglien simply needs to remember that he is closer to the size of Michael Clarke Duncan than he is to the size of Emmanuel Lewis and needs to have his mail delivered to the front of the net. That is where he belongs.

* I have already covered my thoughts about the team's goaltending and I certainly do not want to go through the entire Huet or not to Huet argument again, so I will just remind you that Darren Pang is usually in the building working for the media and Baaaannneeerrrrmmmmaaannnn now lives in Naperville. Given the NHL rule that you can replace your goalie with anyone in the building (which I admit I did not know about until Khabibulin was injured in the playoffs and Corey Crawford was told to put down his nachos and put on his pads), I say they give Murray a complimentary season ticket.

* The bottom line is that this is a team that is prepared to do great things in the future. I wrote an entire post a couple of weeks back on how young the team is, but what I did not stress enough is how talented they are, which is what matters most. After all, some of us can certainly remember Dollar Bill and Bob Pulford promoting young "superstars" Dimitri Nabokov and Jean-Yves Leroux and Nabokov is now the night-shift supervisor at a Stoli plant in Volgograd and J.Y. serves croissants at the Chez Thibault when he is not doing maintenance work at the mansion home of Eric Daze's dress designer.

Now I am not suggesting that the Hawks steal a former marketing slogan from the White Sox (And, no, I am not talking about "Grinder Rule #666: Home Plate at Wrigley is the Gateway to Hell" or even "Gratuitous Pictures of Scotty Pods' Wife To the First 10,000 Through the Turnstiles.") Nope, I am talking about "The Kids Can Play," although I suggest changing it to "The kids Can Win a Stanley Cup."

* One final note: Home court, field, or ice advantage is undoubtedly a major advantage in any sport. After all, it is hard to argue that the Cubs occasionally raise their level of play when they take the field in front of 42,000 drunk twentysomethings that would not know Dallas Green from Dallas Texas or Rick Reuschel from Kurt Russell, 1,000 blue-haired ladies who took a Greyhound over from the Quad Cities and 50 or so who would actually be there even if the team was 25 games under .500. And most would agree that the Bears may play better in front of 45,000 screaming maniacs in Brian Urlacher jerseys (and one poor dude who wasted $75 on a Chris Williams) or that the Bulls lift their game when they know that Benny the Bull, Da Bull and the fat guys who dance around in-between timeouts have their back, and the White Sox are likely to perform more effectively when they take the field in front of Mad Chemist, the aforementioned Lisa Dergan, the guy who was with Jose Contreras when they heard that Lincoln had been shot, Bobby Jenks' personal donut maker, and 300 other people who still worship at the altar of Harold Baines.

That said, there is no sport where home advantage is more important than hockey (although it is tough to argue with Big 10 basketball given that you can predict calls long before they are made depending on where the game is played -- I swear the Wisconsin Badgers have not committed a foul at the Kohl Center in eight years). This is due to what is known as the "last change rule," which allows the home coach to dictate the precise matchups he wants, and it is the reason Detroit will win the Cup tonight. Simply stated, Red Wings coach Mike Babcock is able to have defensive stalwarts Nik Lidstrom and Henrik Zetterberg on the ice every time Sidney Crosby takes a shift. And, although Sid the Kid has not been his usual self, even at home, the effect is clear as he is a -3 with zero points in three games at The Joe and "even" with three points in three games in the Steel City. It is the same rule that allowed Coach Q to ensure that Seabrook and Keith were on the ice for every Jerome Iginla and Henrik Sedin shift at the UC, which certainly worked to the Hawks' advantage. And it is the same rule that will help the Wings take Game Seven by a score of 4-1 and the reason that a mid-winter game in Edmonton or Phoenix can make all the difference in the world when it comes to a team's postseason prospects. Keep that in mind next year when Toews and Kane combine for 175 points.

Have a great weekend!!

It's One Point Less Than Bobby Scales BA, If You Really Must Know!!! And, Yes, I Know That Is Too High!!!!!

Okay, before I do anything else, let me take a minute to thank all of you for making the return of the Random Thoughts a success. As most of you know, I have always enjoyed writing it and have been led to believe that you enjoy reading it. So, if you like the RT, please be sure to pass on the word to any one else who may be interested and please be sure to sign on as a "Follower" if you have not already done so.

I also want to thank those of you who take the time out to comment. Frankly, I do not know why I cannot get more of you to do so, but c'est la vie. The only thing I do ask is that if you do comment, please let me know who you are. For example, I am very happy to see that "Anonymous" wants to do whatever it takes to ensure that I am not the next Darryl Kile or Hank Gathers, but it is awfully tough for me to list you as my primary emergency contact and grant you power of attorney if I do not know who the heck you are. I certainly appreciate the fact that you are reading the Random Thoughts, but since we already have "thewife," "theson," "thedaughter," "theplayertobenamedlater," "thedog," "thecat," "theothercat," "therobertoclementeautographedbaseball," and "thesavedbythevbellboxset," I have no choice but to refer to you as "themedicalstalker," if you do not identify yourself!!! Thanks.

Anyway, Cubs lost. The bottom line is they scored fewer times than James Bond on an average weekend night, so let's talk about other things...

* I was happy to see the Magic pull out a win in Game 3 of the NBA Finals as I hate Phil, Kobe and the Lakers. That said, I remain convinced that the Lakers are your 2008-09 NBA champions. Now we all know that the champion gets the Larry O'Brien Trophy, but what do they give the runner-up. A year's supply of Rice-A-Roni? A copy of the home game? A better luck next time card?

Let's hope for Stan Van Gundy's sake, they give the coach of the losing team a gift card to some menswear store so he can expand his wardrobe. I really don't care if the card is to Macy's or The Men's Wearhouse or Elton John's Costume Emporium or The Michael Vick's Furrier and Orange Jump Suit Habadashery, as long as it is not to the Mike Brey and Lon Kruger House of Fashion.

* I suppose, at the end of the day, it really does not matter, at least not in the off-season. After all, I'm going to assume that he spends most of his time on the set wearing a robe and smoking a pipe. Besides the extras from Zack and Miri Make a Porno are really not that into clothes.

* Reason #1,875 Why I Sometimes Hate Sports Radio: Bill Walton was interviewed on Mike & Mike this morning. He criticized Dwight Howard and the Magic by saying something along the lines of "With the Lakers collapsing on Howard, the Magic players need to make hard cuts so Dwight can make creative passes for good shots. Right now, he is passing the ball out for open three-point shots which the Magic are capable of making." Huh?

Walton's comments may be nonsensical, but the bigger problem is that Golic and Greenberg spent the next twenty minutes talking about Bill's "phenomenol breakdown." In fact, I haven't heard them gush that much since Greenie's book sold it's 35th copy and Golic's son caught a pass for three-yards. The bottom line is we have yet another example of why your wife and the rest of us do think you are an idiot and conclusive proof that Walton continues to mistake the LSD packets for Sweet-N-Low when making his morning coffee.

* The Bears are apparently one of three teams interested in signing Plaxico Burress, with the other two identified as the Jets and Buccaneers. I find this hard to believe. I mean, couldn't the football teams at the Fox River State and Louisiana Cold Mountain Penitentiaries use a 6'5 wide receiver?* (Just for the record, given the current state of the WR corps, I say signing Plaxico is not the worst thing the Bears could do. Just be sure to bring along Alonzo Spellman's old attorney).

* Bartolo Colon was placed on the DL with swelling in his knee. Swelling? My question is, given his 452 pound frame, how do they know? Isn't that like Marlee Matlin complaining that things sound muffled or the Pinball Wizard claiming that his voice sounds scratchy? I have a feeling Jerry Reinsdorf is using an old Bulls' favorite, the old "Joe Kleine or James Edwards is having back problems" trick again.

* First Peavy, then Oswalt and Jerome Williams and now Shingo Takatsu? Yes, Sox fans, it's true. After seeing a guy in a Mike Sirotka jersey lurking around the stuffed Pikachu-making machine, Takatsu issued a statement that he also will not accept a trade to the White Sox. It turns out that Tadahito Iguchi is going to take a job clearing tables at Hideki Irabu's Fat, Lazy Toad Bar and Grill, leaving the Vice President of Ripping Off the American Public With Stupid Characters position open at Pokemon Inc, and you know that Shingo has had his eye on that for a while.

* Accused of having violated NCAA rules by paying $1,000 to one of O.J. Mayo's handlers, Tim Floyd resigned as USC's basketball coach. It ain't so easy when you aren't just handled superstar talents like Bryce Drew and Rusty LaRue, huh?

Now, keep in mind that $1,000 is really not that much money. After all, had Floyd still been the coach at Iowa State, he probably would have had to give Butch McRae a bag of cash, Neon Boudreaux a Lexus and Ricky Roe a tractor. But, wouldn't it have made more sense for Floyd to have taken better advantage of the inherent benefits at a school like USC and relied on the tried and true method of getting the cheerleaders drunk during O.J.'s visitation weekend? Or is that just co-ex Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy's thing?

* * Finally, I can understand people who do not like to stop. I mean, there is nothing worse than having a hankering for a Quarter Pounder and large fries only to pull-up to the drive thru and have to come up to a complete stop thanks to the idiot in front of you who has no idea what he wants even though he has been staring at the menu board for the last twenty minutes (sheesh dude. Have you spent the last twenty years living with Brooke Shields and Christopher Adkins in the South Pacific? -- Of course, I suppose it would have at least given Brooke a option other than incest, huh? -- It's frickin' McDonald's. It isn't Parvati Patel's Pita Pit where you may not already be familiar with the seven flavors of falafel). Look, I don't like stopping either. I won't stopping draggin your heart around, I have no plans to stop in the name of love, and I won't even stop when you get enough.* But, I do not care how much you hate stopping, if I ever get into an elevator and you refuse to let me press the button for my floor, I'm knocking you the hell over.

* Pop Culture Trivia Question of the Day: What movies/ TV shows are referenced as possible landing spots for Plaxico and what three musical artists sang the three songs referenced?

** Please be sure to vote in the new poll!!!!!

Lack of Faith

It is official. I need help.

Seven runs was not enough. Twenty-five baserunners was not enough. Six and two-thirds innings of three-hit, shutout baseball from Ted Lilly was not enough. Aaron Heilman actually getting five outs without walking a batter was not enough. And just for the record, I never thought eight was enough either, but after seeing what became of young Nicholas Bradford after living with five older sisters, Grant Goodeve and the guy who played Buddy on Charles in Charge, I realize I may have been wrong. Pot, coke, driving drunk? Who does he think he is? Corie Blount?

The sad truth is that I guess I just cannot allow myself to be believe when it comes to the 2009 Chicago Cubs. Oh sure, I'm plenty happy that they won last night and crawled to within 2 1/2 games of first place (not to mention the fact that they pulled even with the Cardinals who are making like Ike Broslovski doing an imitation of David Caruso's career), but I still caution everyone to stop cancelling their October plans to make a trip to Atlanta to see the two of the most significant places in baseball history -- the spot where Hank Aaron's 715th career home run landed and, of course, the childhood home of all-time legend James Gordon Beckham -- in order to be in front of their TVs for Game One of the Cubs' first appearance in the World Series since the introduction of the ballpoint pen for the low, low price of $12.50. Yes, George Michael, I know I have just gotta have faith, faith, faith. The problem is that I just cannot seem to get faith. She's seems happy with Tim McGraw. Maybe I ought to try Shania, Shania, Shania.

You see, the problem lies in the stats referenced above -- the fact that the team had seven runs and 25 baserunners. Yes, I recognize that at first glance, that seems like a good thing, but only getting seven runs when you get 25 baserunners is like scoring a single touchdown despite amassing 500 yards of offense. It is like getting ten free throws and only making five (yes, Kobe, I'm looking at you). It is like buying a jumbo, industrial sized bag of Hershey's morsels and only ending up with five cookies.

By the way, speaking of wasting chocolate, has there ever been a more ill-conceived idea than Wonkavision? I mean, you take a slab of chocolate that Bobby Jenks would have trouble finishing and turn it into a normal sized bar? Given the value of the original slab, can someone please tell me how much that little bar has to cost for it to make any business sense whatsoever? Of course, Wonka is the same guy who pshawed the idea of hiring Chinese labor at 13 cents an hour, realizing that he could just uproot Oompa Loompas, enslave them, and force them to make everlasting gobstoppers and lickable wallpaper, so who am I to argue with his business acumen? And they sing and dance too!

Anyway, the bottom line is that team with a real offense would have scored at least three touchdowns and added a couple of field goals as well, Michael Jordan would have gone 10 for 10 and led his team to a sweep. And a good chef could have taken the bag and ended up with four dozen cookies, a pound of fudge and an entire chocolate room, complete with a river and a waterfall. Sixteen men left on base?

Ugh. Like I said, I need help.

* The biggest culprit was Hasbro Suckstein who was formally known as Parker Brothers who was formally known as Milton Bradley who also goes by the alias of Leavenworth/ St. Brutus' Home for the Criminally Insane Candidate #7825. Bradley started the game with the Jeromy Burnitz Memorial Hat Trick -- a strikeout, a pop out and a double play grounder -- and finished the game with a stat line that brought back cruel memories of Ozzie Timmons. Zero for six with three punch outs and ten men left on base. Man, it is a good thing he did not get one more at-bat or he would have needed Antonio Alfonseca's hands to keep track of his LOB.

I do have to admit that I did enjoy his the cute game of "This Little Piggy" that he played with his bats, as in "this little bat went to the guy in the wife-beater who was seated behind the Cubs' dugout... this little bat ended up smashed in three pieces at home plate... this little bat ended up shoved up the cubhouse attendant's ass." Next time, he might want to think about taking one of those little bats and breaking his own ankles. That way, a guy hitting over .208 can start in right field.

Once again, I understand that hindsight is always 20/20, but can you imagine some of the things that could have been done with the $30 million that Suckstein was given? Think about it. The Cubs could have bought approximately 100,000 new bats. They could have bought about 20 new MRI machines (I mean, with Wood, Prior and Harden, the old one has got to be wearing out, right?). Who knows how many new Gatorade dispensers? 400 Porsche Boxster S series automobiles or 400,000 Teddy Ruxpins or 40 million Scrum-Diddly-Umptious bars. Heck, they could have even gotten 60-70% of a Stephen Strasburg or an entire Mark DeRo... Never mind, I'm not going there. The bottom line is that I have not seen such inadvasible spending since Universal Pictures spent $175 million to make Waterworld.

Any ideas on what the Cubs could have spent the $30 million on? Please post a comment!

* Caught the end of the Sox-Tigers game last night. Can I be the first to suggest that Major League Baseball pass a rule that automatically allows a team from the AL East to go to the playoffs instead of the winner of the AL Central? I recently referred to the division that includes Jake Peavy's favorite team, Mark DeRosa's current favorite team (don't worry he can change allegiances quicker than Paris Hilton changes boyfriends), Brandon Walsh's favorite team, Eminem's favorite team, and nobody's favorite team (trust me, the people in KC are more interested in who the Chiefs' third-string left guard is going to be than who David DeJesus is or whether Paul Splitorff may wish to come out of retirement) as the AL Mediocre. Let me change that to the AL Terrible.

Did you watch that game? You know, you really have got to hate it when the plate has legs. Just take a look at how the Tigers scored their three runs to take a 6-3 lead... walk, walk, walk, double. And the Sox comeback was fueled by the following sequence of events, walk, walk, walk, walk, double. Holy moly! Is Rich Hill now on the Tigers and when did Jerome Williams get signed by the White Sox?

The bottom line that the game featured a total of 20 walks! Heck, I have not seen that many men walk in one day since Kramer and a team of George Michael fans set off to help raise money for AIDS. And, and far as I can tell, everyone agreed to wear the ribbon.

* One quick note on the controversial call at home plate in the bottom of the ninth. I have seen the replay numeorus times and have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to tell whether Wise was out or safe. Of course, Hawk Harrelson was absolutely positive that he was safe and blamed the entire game on the ump. It is always something with that guy which, in my opinion, makes him about as likeable as Veruca Salt.

* Finally, not sure if you saw this, but Jerome Williams just issued an unprovoked statement to the media. It turns out that he has finally come to terms with his new position as the chief produce washer at the Honolulu Safeway and will not accept any trade that will send him to the White Sox. But, hey, Sweaty Freddy is back in the mix!!

Today's trivia questions: The first comes courtest of ESPN's Jayson Stark who asks who the only three pitchers are who currently have 100 or more wins and are under the age of thirty. The second, which is VERY HARD and technically is not trivia, is: can anyone figure out why Suckstein would be potential candidate #7825? The number was chosen for a reason...

I Hope They At Least Got Some Skyline Chili

If you are a big fan of the King of Rock and Roll, there was no better place to be this past weekend than Tupelo, Mississippi where hundreds of rhinestoned-jumpsuit wearing freaks danced to the Jailhouse rock at the annual Elvis Festival.

If you understand the significance of white bishop to E4 you would have felt right at home at the South Point Hotel and Casino where the Screech Powers, the ghost of Bobby Fischer, and a bunch of Russian immigrants who were not good enough to play hockey fought it out for the championship of the Las Vegas International Chess Festival (I'm sure the ladies at the Palms loved that diamond-encrused pocket protector, Sergei!).

If your favor listening to the Indigo Girls, watching the Bravo network, and your heroes are Harvey Milk, Liberace and Jeff Garcia, Salt Lake City, Utah, of all places, hosted an event just for you.

And if you like bad baseball, there was absolutely no better place to be this past weekend than the Great American Ballpark on the banks of the Ohio River in Cincinnati.

Look, I am as tickled as anyone that the Cubs managed to take two of three games during their trip to the Queen City. But, let's face it, almost twelve hours of Cubs-Reds weekend baseball taught us three very important things: (1) that Carlos Marmol's pitches are about as likely to hit the bull mascot as they are to hit the catcher's glove (and equally likely to win the batter a free streak); (2) that Andres Blanco belongs in the major leagues about as much as I belong in the University of Illinois Fan Hall of Fame, and (3) that both teams need to improve to be considered mediocre. So, let's take a quick look back at three games of baseball that the folks who produce baseball instructional videos can ignore without giving it a second thought...

FRIDAY: As far as I have heard, Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne were not in Cincinnati Friday night, but, nonetheless, I could have sworn I was watching a remake Dumb and Dumber. Yes, the Cubs won, but the truth is that they won for no other reason than the fact that the 25 players on the Reds active roster apparently have the combined IQ of the Baldwin brothers... and there are only four of them. Not to mention that Stephen is currently rubbing elbows with Lady Blago on "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here," was an ardent supporter of Mike Huckabee, and has "HM" tatooed on his shoulder so he could make a cameo on Hannah Montana. No sh*t. I'm going to trust that there is no reason to say any more.

Even Dusty could not believe his eyes in the top of the ninth, when, with a 3-2 count and the tying run on base, Stephen Hawking Hairston did his best Soriano impersonation by swinging at a breaking ball that was so far off the plate that it ended up going for a dropped third-strike. How far outside was the pitch? Well, let's just say that Hairston could have been using a 45-inch bat and probably still would not have been able to make contact.

So with the tying run on third and the winning run on first, Reds' centerfielder Chris Dickerson then joined the Dan Quayle Memorial Akademiks Club by swinging at 1-0 pitch that he popped up to third to end the game. And, while there is no shame in popping up to end the game, there is tremendous shame in swinging at a pitch that was...well, let's just say a bit high. (All together now)... How high was it? Well, all you really need to know is that Yao Ming would have taken it for ball two. Heck Spudd Webb standing on Yao Ming's shoulders would have taken it for ball two.

There are times when being good is all it takes. And there are times when it is better to be lucky than good. And then there are times when you simply need to be playing a team full of card-carrying members of the Ralph Wiggum "Me Fail English? That Unpossible" club.

SATURDAY: There I was sitting on the couch watching the bottom of the 11th inning when a sacrifice bunt put the winning run on third with only one out. Okay, now if this were the Cubs batting, you would simply pitch to the next batter and watch him strikeout or pop out or get called out for batting in the wrong order, knowing that they had as much chance of getting the run in from third as "Drag Me to Hell" has in winning a Best Drama Golden Globe. But it was the Reds who has the winning run on third, which normally necessitates that Alan Trammell wake up Lou so he can use his "years of experience" to the Cubs benefit.

First, he directed Sean Marshall to walk Ryan Hanigan. Okay, that certainly makes sense. And next he had Marshall walk Adam Rosales to create a force at... wait, what do you mean, he did not have Marshall walk Rosales? Excuse me? Did Lou doze off again? What the?

A weak ground ball to third... a high throw by Fontenot making it impossible for Soto to get a tag down.... a Cubs 4-3 loss. I'm sorry, did I just see that?

I understand that hindsight is always 20/20, so I am proud to say that, as I was watching the game, I was literally screaming at the TV, begging Lou to walk Rosales as well. You can ask thewife. Go ahead. Of course, she may not know what you are talking about given that she learned to tune me out years ago.

Anyway, I have no idea why Lou did not walk Rosales to load the bases and create a force at every base. Maybe he was too busy going through Steven Baldwin's filmography in his head. Maybe he was looking for Jeff Garcia's wife in the crowd. Maybe he was trying to find Thing One and Thing Two's phone numbers so he has another option in the infield. Maybe he was trying to convince Alan Trammell that giving Delino DeShields another shot is a good idea.

The bottom line is that is was a poor move. Create a situation where there is a force play at the plate and Soto may be able to come down on the plate before the runner slides in safely. But, alas it was not to be... given a move that left me scratching my head, wondering why Lou would make a move that makes about as much sense as Jeff Garcia even having a wife, let alone one that looks like that.

SUNDAY: Hey, looky here. Lou learned his lesson in the bottom of the 12th inning. And what do you know? A ground ball to third and a force out at home plate. Wow. Neato how that works, huh?

Other than that...blah, blah, blah. I mean, what was your favorite part of the game? Reed Johnson throwing to the wrong base to eliminate the possibility of a double play? Blanco's dropped pop-up? Soto's 0-4 and seven men left on base? (and he did not even come into the game until the 9th inning!). The fact that Marmol apparently has some sort of grudge against poor Randy Wells that he just will not let go of? The Cubs complete inability to do anything at the plate from the 3rd inning until the 14th? The fact that the game came down to David Patton versus a guy with an ERA over eight?

Bob Brenly said it best, when he commented "If you like pitching and bad at-bats, you must love this game."

Heck, even the umpires and Lou got into the act. As for the umpires, the only thing players ask for is consistency, yet the home plate ump was about as consistent as a Tyrus Thomas 15-foot jump shot. And the call at third in the bottom of the eigth had me asking when Hue Hollins switched to baseball.

As for Lou, what, that's the best you can do? First, it took about three minutes for him to get his butt out there. And then what? No kicked dirt? No thrown bases? Didn't Big Z teach him the art of kicking an ump out of the game? Heck, judging by the fact that he remained in the game, he apparently did not even call the ump a c*cksucker. Sigh.

Oh well, I suppose I should be happy with the win on a day when both the Brewers and Cardinals lost. As for now, I gotta go... It's the last day of the Pirate Festival in Port Washington, Wisconsin and I hear Kent Tekulve and Tim Foli and going to be there. Aaarrgghh...

Broken Hart

The Cubs won. Yipee. Good to see that Marmol, Guzman and Gregg actually pitched like real major leaguers, but let's not fool ourselves into thinking that the bullpen as a whole doesn't still suck. Okay?

In fact, I have been thinking about the one person who has to feel like the absolute biggest piece of garbage these days given all that has happened with the Cubs' pen. The guy who has to feel like such a loser that constantly finds himself asking "So why don't you kill me?" We are talking Scott Norwood walking into a Buffalo Bills' players reuinion. Buckner walking back into Shea. Mike walking into Teddy's KGB's underground lair.

By the way, can someone please explain to me what the hell "With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables, Dog food stalls with the beekcake pantyhouse" is supposed to mean? I mean, did Beck overindulge in Guatamalen Insanity Peppers before he wrote that? Was he hanging out with the Space Coyote and looking for his soul mate? For gosh sakes that makes the lyrics to "It's the End of the World as We Know it" seem sensible.

Anyway, back to the individual whose current situation has got to make Corey Patterson and Josh Fields feel like resounding successes. Yes, friends of the Random Thoughts, we are talking about former big league reliever and current farmhand Kevin Hart, who just was not quite good enough and, therefore, was assigned to Iowa at the end of spring training.

I want you to think about what it must be like to have been told that you were not good enough to pitch out of the Cubs' pen. "Yes, Kevin, they guys we have are terrible, but you what? Unfortunately, you'd have to improve to be terrible." Doesn't this have to be like being told that you are not brave enough to serve in the French army? Being told that you are too heavy to sign on the fourth member of the Fat Boys or not quite good looking enough to hang out with an army of Joakim Noah clones? Isn't this akin to being told that you are too slutty to be seen with Kelly Bundy, Paris Hilton and Kit DeLuca or not making the basketball team at Christopher Reeve Memorial School for the Tragically Diabled because you are simply not athletic enough?

I have not watched alot of the TV show Blossom in my life, but I do remember one episode when Blossom tells Joey that he is such a loser that if he ever entered a "Loser Contest," he would finish second. Think about that and let it sink in for a moment.

Whoa. Whoa, indeed.

* I may not be walking around with an armful of trophies (Marcia Brady keeps winning all of them), but I still cannot imagine what it must feel like to be Hart these days. One person who probably can is Jeff Samardzija, who also apparantly is not good enough to join what may be, in the often used words of Homer Simpson, the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Well, guess what Jeff? You apparently suck even worse. Here's Lovie's phone number.

* I wish I could say the same for Luis Vizcaino who was unceremoniously cut by the Cubs earlier this season, apparently deemed not quite good enough to compete with David Patton (6.46 ERA) or Aaron Heilman (5.09 and gives more free passes than a struggling night club). Vizcaino, you see, is doing quite well for himself, thank you very much, with a 1.54 ERA with the Indians. Of course, this begs the question as to when Jim Hendry, Sweet Lou and Larry Roth-s-child found Eistein Jones' stupid pills. I mean, what was it that the Cubs brass found so objectionable about Vizcaino. His 0.00 ERA? His 0.55 WHIP? His .154 batting average against? Did they just have bad memories of Jose Vizcaino hitting into double plays?

* I actually like Guzman quite a bit and am impressed with how much he has progressed. I also think Marmol has too much talent to ignore and will eventually get his act together. I do not like Kevin Gregg though. I repeat, I do not like Kevin Gregg. I'm not sure what Hendry, Lou and Larry liked about him either when they brought him over from the Marlins. Could it have been his over four career ERA? His 1.34 career WHIP? His nine blown saves in '08? Oh yeah, stupid pills. Man, we are going to be cursing good ol' Jacque for a looooong time.

* I do like Marisa Miller. A lot.

* .224. Iowa is only 900 miles from Atlanta. Can't be more than a 25 hour bus ride. Please make the move now and bring up a major leaguer!!!!

* So, the Beckham era has officially begun on the South Side. Does this mean that Posh Spice is going to be making frequent appearances at U.S. Comiskular? Will the Sox new superstar be missing crucial games when he is leant to the Madrid Paella Eaters or Sheffield Avenues or Tidmouth Trains or some other European football club. Oh wait, you mean the Sox brought up Gordon Beckham?

* I'm certainly not saying that Gordon is not going to live up to all the hype, but before the folks at the MLB home offices start engraving the 2009 World Series Champions trophy, I would like to remind everyone that, in 2000, the small market White Sox paid what was then the largest minor league signing bonus ever and such bonus was given to a guy who is now spending his days restocking the shelves and looking for his five lost "tools" at Home Depot, while trying to figure out a way to make his local semi-pro football team.

* Borchard to Samardzija. Huh. Perhaps if this whole Cutler to Overrated Kick Returner thing does not work out, Jerry Angelo has another option.

* Switching gears, the NBA Finals start at 8:00 cst tonight. Phil Jackson, of course, has already complained about the Game One officiating.

* I am sure Jack will be there. Alice Henderson, Coach Herman Boone, Spiderman and Laverne*** too. And man, I hope Flea wears his stuffed animal pants.

* Random Fact of the Day: Did you ever wonder who the guy is that sits next to Colonel Nathan Jessup at every game? You know, the guy with the white beard who dresses like he may be Craig Sager's father? It turns out it is Lou Adler, a multi-milion dollar record producer, manager and director. Just thought you might want to know...

* Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has got to be excited that he will get to spend some time in LA. Ought to give him time to look up his long lost twin brother at the Stallion Ranch and film a couple of scenes for the Climaxxx Network.

* I hate Kobe, I hate Phil, and I hate the Lakers franchise. That said, as much as I would really like to see Adam Morrison reinact his 2006 NCAA Regional Semi-Finals imitation of Eric Cartman when he realized that he was stuck in Canada on Christmas thanks to Kyle, I have a feeling that Kobe is going to prove that he can win a championship without Shaq and, therefore, will take the Lakers in seven. Next year I'll take Shaq-and-Stein in six.

***Congrats to GoldenSombrero for successfully answering yesterday's trivia question. Jane's Addiction and Porno For Pyros' front man, Perry Farrell's real name is Peretz Bernstein (he also is the creater of Lollapolooza and once performed at PurimPolooza). Today's question ought to be easier: who are the four Lakers' fans referenced?

Go Kane County Cougars!!!

* Jake Peavy said "no." Roy Oswalt said "uh uh." Even Jack McDowell apparently told the White Sox that he is more than happy pretending he is Billy Corgan, thank you very much. Yet, you have to give Kenny Williams credit. Even after being rejected by Peavy, Oswalt and Peretz Bernstein*, he still got his man, trading Lance Broadway to the Mets for Ramon Castro.

Now, trading a former first round draft pick for a 33-year old, career backup catcher may seem to make as much sense as replacing Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa with Aaron freakin' Miles and Kevin freakin' Greeg, but you really have to look below the surface to understand that this move is not like giving $30 million dollars to a guy who is more likely to suffer from a yeast infection than he is to drive in a key run (does anyone else see the irony that the Milton Bradley toy company is responsible for games titled "Easy Money" and "Operation?"). You see, A.J. Pierzynski may be decent with the bat, but the last base runner he threw out was when he nailed Paul Konerko in an intersquad game and Paulie Walnuts was carrying Jayson Nix on his back. And Jayson Nix was playing a piano.

Heck, I think Ron Santo may have once stolen a base on Pierzynski in a summer charity softball game.

So, yes, the Sox are still stuck with the same starting rotation, but at least they got their backup catcher.

Besides, you really cannot blame Kenny given that his options were terribly limited. After all, Robbie Alomar was too busy teaching the art of the perfect loogie to kids in the D.R. and Carl Everett is having too much fun digging for dinosaur bones, writing books on parenting and hanging with John Rocker. If nothing else, give Kenny a trophy for trying something...

* Oh, I guess I put it off long enough by talking about what will likely go down as the most significant in-season move since the Cubs aquired missing piece David Weathers for Reuben Quevedo at the 2001 trading deadline (snicker...). Should we talk about last night's Cubs' disaster? It is hard not to feel really bad for Randy Wells who pitched his heart out. Talk about assuming victory was in hand. Randy had to feel like Mike McDermott when he realized that Teddy KGB did not have spades.

My question is, "why in the world did Lou take him out after throwing only 83 pitches? I did not watch the game closely, but I could have sworn that it said "WELLS" on the back of his jersey and not "PRIOR" or "HARDEN." This also begs the question about whether Lou has been watching the same bullpen as the rest of us or whether he spent the off season squirreling around the pipes in the clubhouse and found the stash that Kyle Farnsworth left behind. Perhaps, he was planning on bringing Wells back on short rest to start game four...

* The reports on Aramis are not good and let me first to question whether it really matters given the... yup, you guessed it... bullpen. The team keeps claiming that their goal is to "keep their head above water" until he returns, but unless the water that they are keeping their head above is the magical pixie lake where you can pluck a glowing fairy week that will magically transform Aaron Heilman, David Patton and Gregg into Mariano Rivera, Trevor Hoffman and Ricky Vaughan, it is simply not going to matter. Sometimes, you have to take a pass on clever anaologies, jokes and hilarious quips and just come right out an say it like it is. This bullpen sucks.

* Heck, at this point, I wouldn't pass up a Peruvian Mediocrity weed that would transform Heilman into Rick Auguilera. Either that, or sign the ghost of Rod Beck. After all, the Farns' former stash is getting a bit low.

* Bobby Scales is a nice story. I get it. But, you know what? The world is full of nice stories. Bobby Brady finally got his chance to prove that he was not a loser, but still could not eat more ice cream than the fat kid on the Cartoon King Show. Some frumpy woman went from a Scottish potato farm to the main stage on Britian's Got Talent, but still lost to a bunch of MC Hammer wanna-be's. Romeo and Juliet's blossoming love survived despite the fact that their families got along about as well as the T-Birds and Craterface's gang of thugs, but in the end they both would up dead. Nice stories are just that... nice stories. Ultimately, you are going to find yourself watching Friday the 13th Part 78 on TBS and Bobby is going to find himself back in the cornfield. The time is now or had nobody else noticed that his average is down to a Thing Two-esque .234.

* The Cubs actually got the lead-off hitter on in the top of the 10th inning. Of course, Mike Fontenot's single set the table for Scales and Andres Blanco, which is really all you need to know about the current state of the Cubs. This is a little like saving all of your money until the end of the celebrity date auction only to find out that Megan Fox had already been chosen and the only two women remaining are Rosie O'Donnell and the aforementioned frumpy potato farmer.

* Two walks, a hit-by-pitched ball, an error, a dropped-third strike, and a two-out game tying home run. Now THAT is all you really need to know about the Cubs.

* Carlos Zambrano apparently missed the team flight to Atlanta. Great. The big question is why. No, he was not busy e-mailing his relatives in Venezuela. No, he was not perfecting the art of breaking a bat over one's knees. No, he was not signing a endorsement contract with Gatorade competitor "All Sport." And, no, he did not ask Derrick Rose to take the flight for him.

* Finally, a hearty thank you to those of you who have taken the time to comment on the Random Thoughts. That said, if you would let me know who you are, I would greatly appreciate it. After all, I have a hard time believing that Hawk Harrelson is reading this blog and, while I appreciate "Anonymous'" concern for my health and enjoyment of my writing, it is awfully hard to send you copy of my medical records without knowing who you are...

Have a good night. Let's all say a prayer that Lilly goes five strong and then it rains.

* Pop Culture Trivia Question: Who is Peretz Bernstein?