Spring Break Shark Snake Attack on a Plane!

Just when you thought it was safe to once again watch the Cubs without making sure that you had a double-ply barf bag within easy reach, the pitcher formally known as Mark Prior took the mound against the Brewers. The Cubs entered the game 11-5 in their last sixteen and since getting swept by the National Expos in Washington, have generally looked like a real major league baseball team. They were getting big hits, making key pitches, and Einstein Jones had gone a full two months without getting doubled off second base.

Three innings later, all the good vibes that have surrounded the team in the last couple of weeks, have faded away like Prior's once vaunted talent.

Can someone please explain to me how a pitching staff can give up only eight measley singles in an entire game and still manage to give up eight runs? Really take a moment to think about how amazing that it. Oh yeah, perhaps it was the four walks, hit batter, and wild pitch served up by Prior whose has about as much control on the mound these days as Mel Gibson has after being presented with a couple of pints of Foster's (Coffee? Beer.) Of course, the two walks given up by rookie Juan Mateo and the two errors committed by the Cub defense certainly did not help matters either.

Nice to see that the more things change the more they stay the same. It is the Cubs, after all. Better stay out of the water, after all.

* The Cubs have some key decisions to make this offseason. Among the most important is deciding whether to sign Juan Pierre to a new contract. With Felix Pee-Ay seemingly having lost at least a little shine off his the-next-Willie-Mays aura, the Cubs will need to think long and hard about who next season's lead-of hitter will be. Will the young Pee-Ay be given a chance or will the team bring back Pierre and his .322 on-base-percentage?

How about Michael Barrett as the team's 2007 lead off hitter? Sure, at first glance, hitting Barrett lead-off seems to make about as much sense as Kate Hudson's marriage to 74-pound Chris Robinson (and if you take away his dime bag, he probably tops out at about 72 pounds), but, isn't the goal of the lead off hitter to get on base and set the table for the rest of the lineup? Believe it or not, Barrett is the major's top hitter when leading off an inning, sporting a nifty .459 batting average (in 74 at-bats) and .529 on-base-percentage. Do I really believe that the Cubs should consider placing Barrett at the top of the order? Well, no...wait a minute, why the heck not? It's been 98 years since Joe Tinker's team leading six home runs powered the Cubs to their last World Series title. Why not try something a little different? I mean, I cannot imagine that the producers of Dancing With the Stars actually thought that the show would last long enough for viewers to learn that J. Peterman is, in reality, one heck of a dancer. You have got the figure that even the best case scenario had the show replaced by reruns of Wife Swap before everyone realized that, yes, that is the former youngest member of New Kids on the Block prancing around the stage in a lime green tutu. Yet, it became the #1 show in the latter half of 2005.

Here's to thinking outside the box!

* The Cubs also have a big decision to make regarding the future of Aramis Ramirez. Ramirez, who signed a $42 million, four-year deal before last season, has the right to opt-out of his contract and become a free agent after this season. Given that Ramirez just turned 28 years old and you can pencil in 30-35 home runs and 85-100 RBI per year, you would think that locking up Ram would be a no brainer. Especially, seeing that Aramis has finally stabilized a position that had seen stalwarts like Shane Andrews, Willie Greene, Steve Buechele and Luis Salazar each have a turn since Santo manned the hot corner in the early 1970's.

With Ramirez, however, it is really not the simple. While, to his credit, he has worked exceptionally hard on his defense since coming over from Pittsburgh at the trading deadline in 2003, he runs hard to first about as often as Cade McNown offers to give up his parking space to the handicapped. And is it any wonder that Ramirez has heated up as his "pending" free agency has gotten closer and closer? I have genuine mixed feelings about what to do with Aramis. On one hand, taking his bat out of the lineup sounds like a terrible idea, while on the other hand, nothing can be more frustrating than a guy who simply will not hustle.

Now, that is not to say that the Cubs should sacrifice talent and genuine ability for a guy who will bust his tail (in other words, he may try really hard and play the game with the gusto of an 11-year old, but Ryan Theriot has spent the better part of the last two seasons where he belongs...in Des Moines). In fact, the commonly-expoused adage that sports fans in the blue-collar city of Chicago are satisfied as long as a guy puts forth a maximum effort has about as much validity as Paris Hilton's claim that she has only slept with two men. How about a guy with talent and desire? Is that too much to ask for?

The bottom line is that I would keep Ramirez around, but only if management stops kissing the players' asses and grows a spine. Don't want to run hard to first base? Well, Aramis, guess what? You will not have to while your ass is parked on the bench safeguarding Weasley's magic wand, Big Z's Ritalin and Prior's 45 of Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days." You don't hustle. You don't play. It should be that simple.

* Speaking of Paris Hilton, her claim that she has only slept with two men, begs the question... who are the two [un]lucky souls (out of roster that allegedly includes Oscar De La Hoya, Brian Urlacher, Edward Furlong, Vincent Gallo, Matt Leinart, and Nick Carter) who have explored more of Paris than even Charles De Gaulle? We know for certain that one is former boyfriend Rick Saloman, as more people have witnessed "One Night in Paris" than have seen all 150 episodes of the truly funny, yet unfortunately cancelled Malcom in the Middle combined. Further, isn't it safe to assume that the other is either former fiance Paris Latsis or a certain Chicago Bear who was self-described as just a "friend?" That said, it appears as though the Arizona Cardinals are presently discovering what Paris has long known. Matt Leinart simply cannot close the deal. (Credit to Boers and Bernstein for this hilarious line. Hey, after countless shows, they were due...)

* As mentioned above, Ramirez was traded to the Cubs shortly before the 2003 trading deadline. July 31 is always an exciting date on the baseball calendar, as teams look for that one piece that will put them over the top. But, how much of an impact do trading deadline deals, especially those involving starting pitchers, really have? The truth is, such deals usually have about the same level of impact as the Blackhawks signing of Dmitri Icantbelievetheystillhaveateamov. Unbelievably, no starting pitcher who has been traded at the deadline has won a post season game since Hootie and the Blowfish still had a career that did not include restocking the shelves at Home Dept and O.J. Simpson became more well-known for trying on a too-small black glove than for his seminal role as Detective Nordberg. Yes, it was the magical fall of 1995 when David Cone won a game for the Bronx Bombers and Ken Hill picked up a victory for the Tribe in the playoffs. That's an amazing 10 years since a real post-season difference maker was acquired as the calendar turned to August and is almost as inceredible as giving up only eight singles in a ballgame, but still managing to give up eight runs.

In other words, I wouldn't bet my money on Greg Maddux putting the Dem Bums on his shoulders and leading the team to the promised land.

* Finally, I recognize that I have asked a lot of questions in today's post that are extremely difficult to answer. Should the Cubs bat Tyson Barrett lead-off? Should the North Siders let Aramis walk? When exactly did Mark Prior turn into Jamie Navarro? Did Paris let Mike Brown and Hunter Hillenmeyer watch? But I have saved the toughest question to answer for the end. What would be worse... getting stuck in the waters off Florida during spring break with a hungry group of sharks or getting stuck on a cross-oceanic flight and finding out that some lunatic has released scores of poisionous snakes? Oh yeah, you can bet that if I was sitting at a local establishment eating chicken wings and watching Gunston, Grimace the Hilltopper and the Blue Blob cheer on their favorite teams in the best sporting event of the year (no, not the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship!), I'd have the whole bar screaming "Snakes on a Plane!!!!" at the top of their lungs. Now, that's entertainment!

By the way, as I write this, there are precisely 215 days, 21 hours and 57 minutes until the start of the Madness. For those of you scoring at home (please say hello to Paris for me), that's only 18,655,080 seconds.

Have a terrific weekend.