Welcome to Suckville

Dusty Baker should and will be relieved of his duties when the absurdity that is the 2006 Chicago Cubs season comes to a close. Let's get that simple fact out of the way before we go any further. Everyone agree? Good.

That said, the question remains...how much is Dusty to blame for what has now officially morphed into a mess the degree of which this city has not witnessed since the 1968 Democratic National Convention or at least since John Shoop and Kordell Stewart were in charge of the Bears' "offense?" Look, for a reason that not even I fully understand, I actually watched the Cubs game on Tuesday evening and listened to Wednesday afternoon's game on the radio. Now, I'd be willing to bet that the rest of you were smart enough to take a pass, haveing immediately recognized that there are much better things that one could be doing with his or her time. Orange Whip probably headed to Kinko's to print up a new batch of Dee Brown Fan Club membership cards. WrigleyBill was probably either trying to convince Mike McCarthy to give him a spot on the Packers' offensive line (trust me, it cannot get any worse than it already is) or caught the first flight to Kansas City to check on his old barnyard pal Todd Wellemeyer. Bearister spent the afternoon trying to figure out why in the world he drafted Marty Booker in the Rick Springfield Fan Club Fantasy Football League and wondering what ever happened to Dennis Kleeman. TheWife skipped the games to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the 187th time (the ending doesn't change, honey, it always turns out to be Voldemort's head hiding under the turban of Professor Quirrell). Shabba Dabba Doo busied himself writing love poems to Bonnie Bernstein. JEB Fins counted his poker winnings. Everyone else lamented the loss of All Hail the Chief as a daily commenter.

Come back Jeff! We miss you!!!

(Look, I'd give the rest of you your 15-minutes of RT fame, except for the fact that you refuse to comment!!!!)

The bottom line is that, in retrospect, I can easily name at least 10,000 things that I should have done instead of paying even the least bit of attention to the Chicago National League Ballclub. Let's see. Head to Fallujah to look for the missing weapons of mass destruction. Share a taco and some Spanish rice with Hannibal Lechter. Throw a cup of ice at Ron Artest. Watch a replay of the 2001 NFL Pro Bowl. Okay, maybe not the Pro Bowl.

Well, it is too late now. As much as I would like to go back and spend my time looking through the photos of the 2006 Tampa Bay Buccaneers' cheerleaders (hint, hint), I cannot rewrite history. I actually watched and listened to the games and what I saw and heard must have been two of the absolute worst baseball games that I have ever experienced. Yes, I have lived through the heartache of Leon Durham, Brant Brown and Bartman. Yes, I have survived the Jaime Navarro, Willie Banks and Ismael Valdes years. And, yes, I have seen Kid Corey and Steroid Sammy and piece of crap Todd Hundley flail wildly and miss at pitch after pitch. But, I cannot remember a two-game stretch as horrible as the last two games. You know, it is a dang good thing that the team has been out of contention since early May and the games, therefore, are ultimately about as important as whether Brad is with Jen or Jen is with Vince or Brad is with Angelina or Angelina is with Jen (now, that is an idea that we can certainly all agree on). Can you imagine living through the last two games, if they actually meant something? I just might have wound up curled in a corner listening to The Wall over and over, wondering how I too can become comfortably numb.

Look, I am not going to bore you with all the excruiating details of the losses. You can take a look at the box scores and play-by-play yourselves (although I encourage you to check out Barbara and Erica and Anna and friends, instead. That's www.buccaneers.com). So I am not going to waste time in explaining how on Tuesday night, the team gave up 4-0 and 5-4 leads, before allowing the Pirates to score twice in the bottom of the 11th inning to win the game 7-6, with the last run coming on a bases loaded walk. How the team had committed four little-league-esque errors during the game. How, on Wednesday afternoon, the team took a two-run lead into the bottom of the 11th, yet still managed to allow three Pirate runners to cross the plate, in a 10-9 loss. Or how the team, at this point, would really be better off packing up and forfeiting their remaining 29 games, when they are now dangerously close to having to play Thing One at second base and call up some 29-year old rookie names Les Walrond to take the hill and pitch a major league game.

What do you mean they have already resorted to that? What's next? Giving Chad Meyers and Augue Ojeda another shot? Bringing back Les Lancaster? Believe it or not, Les is only 44-years old. Why not roll him out there?

Well, here lies the problem. While it is easy to blame Dusty for anything and everything, it would be wrong to do so. As I mentioned in my opening salvo of this post. Dusty should, must and will go. He is a terrible bench manager, refuses to hold his players accountable for both mental and physical mistakes, and makes more excuses than Zack Morris after being sent to Mr. Belding's office. But, how can we blame Dusty for Ryan Dempster's imitation of Dave Smith? How can we blame Dusty for the fact that Ronny Cedeno has as much chance of getting a hit these days as Snakes on a Plane has in winning an Oscar? How is it Dusty's fault that Einstein Jones' has as much chance of making a decent throw from the outfield as Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen?

How can I put this bluntly? The whole team sucks. Period. I've probably used this famous Homerism before, but never has it been more fitting than right now... they are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. It isn't just Dusty. The players can't hit. They can't field. They can't pitch. Their ovaries hurt. Heck, most of the players could not sell chocolate chips to Cookie Monster. I believe it was Joey who once told Blossom that she was such a loser that if she entered a loser contest, she would finish second. Think about it. Jim Hendry and Dusty...you're Blossom. And the rest of you schmokes? You're Gimbels. Perhaps a few of you might want to open up a pretzel wagon.

* Memo to Ryan O'Malley, Juan Mateo and Izta, Izta... welcome to Chicago. Gauze pads are on the right. The electrical stimulation machine is in the cabinet below Mark Prior's yeast infection medication. The phone numbers for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and Dr. Julius Hibbert are listed on the bulletin board right below Victor Conte's cell number, although we recommend you use Dr. Nick Riviera as he is a heck of a lot cheaper. Should you need it (and you probably will)Ron Santo's old prothesis is in the corner behind Mosies' old piss bucket, although we should warn you that Kerry Wood has already claimed it. See you on the D.L.!

* So, who will replace Dusty as the head man of the Cubs? Given the apparent complete collapse of owner Jeffrey Loria's relationship with Florida Toddler manager Joe Girardi, most seem to believe that Girardi is the odds on favorite. Is Girardi developing a reputation as a baseball's answer to Napolean the pig? Well, yes, in fact, he is. But, you know what? Entering play on Wednesday evening, he has the youngest team in the majors only one-game below .500, on a nine-game winning streak, and sitting only 1.5 games out of the Wild Card. Heck, he can introduce the philosophy of Animalism to the Wrigley Field home clubhouse, build a windmill in left field and train the local pups to be soldiers for all I care, as long as he can keep the Cubs competitive at least until mid-July.

* USC woman's basketball player Brynn Cameron will miss the upcoming season after giving birth to a baby boy this November. Why do I mention this seemingly irrelevant fact, you ask? Because, it turns out that the baby's daddy is none other than Arizona Cardinals' rookie QB Matt Leinart. Leinart, as you might recall, formerly dated Paris Hilton. Doesn't this nice little story raise two important questions... (1) wouldn't you have thought that two famous Trojans would have been able to get one, and (2) if we are to truly believe that young Matt and Paris never reenacted any scenes from King Schlong starring Pam & Tommy, what does that say about the habits of the lovely Miss Cameron?

* Finally, can someone please explain to me what Chet Coppock is still doing on the air? He has been showing up on ESPN Radio 1000 quite a bit lately and is starting to give Silvy and Carmen a run for their money as the dumbest sports radio personality in Chicago (and that is really saying something). Now comes word that Coppock will be co-hosting ESPN Radio 1000's Bears' pregame show with Steve McMichael. Oh lord...

This is the same man, mind you, who on the air recently has been absolutely insistent that the Bears will get beaten soundly by Brett Favre and the Packers on opening day of the 2006 season. Okay, if you honestly think that Green Bay, which enters the season with about as much chance to win the Super Bowl as The Passion of the Christ has in being selected as the feature film at this year's film festival in Jerusalem, is going to knock off the Bears, fine. You are certainly entitled to your opinion.

But, it is Coppock's reasoning that has me shaking my head. According to the big California surfer dude wanna be, the Bears are sure to go down in defeat simply because they do not have anyone who can cover Javon Walker. Huh?

Okay, Chet...I will play your little game. Using that logic, I suppose the White Sox have no chance of winning the Wild Card over the Twins because they can't hit Jack Morris and don't know how to pitch to Kent Hrbeck or Gary Gaetti. The Bulls have no chance of knocking off the Miami Heat in the NBA Eastern Conference this coming year, because they have nobody to guard Rony Seikaly in the post or Glen Rice on the perimeter. And USC will easily win the Pac 10 women's basketball championship because none of the other team's will be able to stop Brynn Cameron from scoring (get it? Oh, I kill me). You see... it may be true that the Bears have nobody who can stop Javon Walker, but that really isn't the point seeing as how Javon Walker is on the BRONCOS!

Idiot.

What's next? Somebody is going to tell me that Rex the Wonder Dog is still the Bears' starting QB?

Oh, brother. It's going to be a long September. I'll tell you what... if you can't find that 2001 NFL Pro-Bowl on VHS, go ahead and send me a copy of season three of Parker Lewis Can't Lose on DVD. Nah, I'm going to check out what Britany Craine is up to...

And don't forget there are two "C's" in Buccaneers. You'll thank me in the morning.