Player A For the Hall of Fame!

Welcome to the Super-Sized Labor Day Weekend Edition of the Random Thoughts! If this edition is too long for your tastes, split it into three parts and read a different section each day. Oh, screw that...take off the dang skirt and frilly blouse, suck it up, and read the whole damn thing!

Let me start off by saying that, generally speaking, I am a firm believer in the old adage that a player's raw statistics do not necessarily give an 100% accurate picture of the player's ability and value to his or her team. That said, one look at Stephen Hawking Hairston's .207 average with the Cubs and Gopherball Glendon's 7.69 ERA tells you just about everything that you need to know about the performance of each this year. And with this as a backdrop, I present you with the following comparison...

Player A: 18 yrs; .265 avg; .343 obp; .416 slg; 195 HR; 860 RBI; 91 SB; 394 doubles; .976 fld %

Player B: 19 yrs; .262 avg; .337 obp; .328 slg; 28 HR; 793 RBI; 580 SB; 402 doubles; .978 fld %
Now, I know that this is not like choosing between going to South Beach with Brooke Burke or Malibu with Brooke Burns, but, if your team needs a shortstop who are you going to choose?

A difficult decision, no doubt. I mean, it is a little tougher than choosing between playing strip poker with Katherine Heigl (who just may soon be named the official RT hottie # 3) and playing video poker in a room all by yourself, isn't it? Well, let me try and make it a bit easier...

Did I mention that player B was once recruited by Mr. Burns to play for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team, replaced the legendary Mel Allen as the host of This Week in Baseball and excited fans throughout the land with his pregame backflips, while Player A... well, let's see... hmm... well, player A wore nice glasses, was once traded for Bert Blyleven and another time for Felix Fermin and his middle name is Stuart.

My point is simple. Every time I see one of those stupid commericals for the MLB and DHL "Hometown Heroes" promotion, I am immediately reminded that Player B is, in my mind, baseball's answer to Jim Carrey. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. Ozzie Smith... perhaps the most overrated player in the history of baseball.

Look, I know the guy was a terrific defensive shortstop, I know that he hit a famous home run off Tom Niedenfuer of the Dodgers in the 1985 NLCS, and I know that his acrobatics and playful personality made him a fan favorite. But, hey, Augie Ojeda was once a fan favorite too, and he has about as much baseball talent as Scotty Smalls had when Scotty first moved to the San Fernando Valley. Yet, Smith is often trumpeted as one of the best baseball players of all time and was a first ballot hall of famer, who received a greater percentage of the vote (91.74)than...get this... Joe DiMaggio (88.84), Frank Robinson (89.16), Bob Gibson (84.04), Ernie Banks (83.81), Sandy Koufax (86.87), and Micky Mantle (88.22)!!! From a different era, you say? Well, the Wizard of Oz also outpaced 80's superstars Paul Molitor (85.2), Robin Yount (77.46) (sheesh, looking at Molitor and Yount's numbers makes you think that the sports writers from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and the Wausau Cow & Plow drank a few too many High Life's and missed the vote), Eddie Murray (85.28) and Ryne Sandberg (76.16).

(And by the way, can someone please explain to me how Willie Mays only got 94.68% of the vote? Who was on the voting panel? David Duke, Raymond Babbitt and Einstein Jones?)

Now, I am sure that Ozzie's numbers do not paint a wholly accurate picture of his overall worth to the Padres and Cardinals and I have no doubt that he was likely a terrific lockeroom leader. I cannot argue with the fact that his speed made things happen and his defense was inarguably responsible for saving a lot of runs and ensuring that John Tudor's ERA remained as low as possible, but could he possibly have brought enough intangibles to the table to make up for his mediocre, at best, statistics? Yes, as the commercial constantly reminds us, he did steal 580 bases, but, believe it or not, that is only good for 20th on the all-time list. Vince Coleman stole 782 bases and you don't see MLB and DHL putting him in commercials. Dr. Taylor's Automatic Tarp Machine Company may wish to take advantage of his marketing prowess, but, thus far, he has received nary a sniff from the baseball powers that be.

The bottom line? Perhaps Ozzie does qualify as a "Hometown Hero," but me thinks that anyone who would vote for Smith over Stan Musial (one of the most underrated platers of all-time) Bob Gibson or Ernie Broligio (let's just pretend that the whole Brock thing never happened, shall we?) is either spending a little too much time hanging out with Slater from Dazed and Confused or has recently over-indulged in Guatamalen Insanity Peppers and been visited by the space coyote. After all, I have no doubt that you had a difficult time choosing between Ozzie and Player A and once you see who Player A is (that's like Marcia Brady in a short skirt... a tease), I think you will be surprised.

* Looking at the Cubs' five nominees also causes me to raise an eyebrow. Ernie. Check. Billy. Check. Ryno. Check. Wait a minute... call off the search for Natalee Hollway and tell Clarice to stop looking for Catherine Martin... Sammy is missing.

I am not going to go through my whole argument regarding why once the smoke clears, the cork is carried away and the Nandrolone is flushed down the toilet, Cubs fans will see clearly once again and admit that Sammy belongs on the short list of all-time Cub greats. Think back to 1998, when 8 out of every 10 fans was proudly wearing a Sosa # 21 (the ninth was wearing a One Dog # 1 and the tenth was lush pitcher Mark Clark's sponsor). Leaving him off the list of nominees makes as much sense as a bunch of no-names from Athens, Thessaloniki and Gyrosville knocking off Team USA in the World Basketball Championships.

* Okay, bad example. After all, it turns out that Franki Valli was right. Greece is the word. They've got the groove. They've got the meaning. It is the time, the place and the motion. And they just kicked the red, white and blue's ass all over Japan. Dwyane Wade the next Michael Jordan? Sure, and Oasis is the next Beatles. Boy, it now seems like a lifetime has passed since Charles Barkey dunked on a poor Angolan sisal farmer and then shoved him halfway back to the sub-Saharan plain in the U.S.'s 489 point victory in the 1992 Olympics.

* I digress...

* My complete "Hometown Heroes" choices appear below, but first, a little talk about the 2005 World Series Champion White Sox. While winning series remains the ultimate goal at this time of the year, the Sox have to be disappointed with the fact that they only took two out of three from the Devil Rays. After all, this is a team that had lost 12 straight road games and an unbelievable 22 of their last 23 away from Tropicana Field!!! For the sake of the Wild Card, it sure is a good thing that the Twins decided to morph into the Cubs prior to their three-game home series against the Royals, before Johan Santana rescued them on Thursday afternoon.

* It is also a good thing for the Sox that the Tigers have hit their first rough patch of the season. Since August 20, Detroit is now 3-7 and generally playing like garbage. So what has changed? Well, let's see... August 20 just happens to be the day that the Tigers acquired Thing Two! Hmmmm... By the way, Neifi is now 5-32 with a single RBI in a Detroit uniform. He has, however, walked twice in 34 plate appearances (a ratio of 1/17), while in Cubbie blue, he walked a total of five times in 241 at-bats (a 1/48 ratio). Keep swinging away boys! There is nothing more exciting that a routine grounder to short!

* Sox fans must feel like they are on the American Eagle, the Whizzer or the Demon these days. One day, Sox fans are puffing out their chests, talking about how Brandon McCarthy is the next Don Drysdale and pinpointing where they plan on standing during the 2006 World Series Championship parade, and the next day they are listening to Morrissey records, talking about how Javier Vazquez in Todd Ritchie with a sombrero and planning their annual vacation for mid-October. Buckle up folks, it is not going to get any better. Unfortunately, this is precisely the way it is going to be the rest of the year.

* Can we all finally agree, once and for all, that Scotty Pods' deal with the devil has officially expired? Pods' 1-13 performance in the Tampa series has lowered his season average to .259. Now that his baseball career is back in the toilet, for Scotty's sake, we can only hope that his St. Pauli girl wife is in it for the long haul. After all, at this rate, she may want to check out what Pablo Ozuna has to offer, leaving Pods with a capper from the Keystone Light or Little Kings bottling plant. Don't say I did not warn you... a career minor leaguer is just that... a career minor leaguer.

* When I was in high school and we played coed softball in gym class, we had one unbreakable rule. No matter where the ball was hit, just keep running. After all, eventually a young lady was going to get involved in the play and there was not a Dot Richardson or Jennie Finch in sight. Somebody had better tell Joey Cora three things: (1) you are no longer in high school and Teresa Winstead does not play left field for the Devil Rays; (2) Paul Konerko makes Verbal Kent seem like a fast runner; and (3) Ozzie is desperately looking for the infamous pictures from the night at the Manhole and you know what will happen to your infalible job security once he gets a hold of those. Somewhere in Chinatown, Wendell Kim is laughing so hard than egg foo young is coming out of his nose.

* Anyway on to the DHL/ MLB Hometown Heroes... For a full list of nominees and to vote, please go to http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/fan_forum/dhl/2006/vote.jsp?from=canada. Voting ends Monday.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Baltimore Orioles: Cal Ripken Jr. (a true hero in Baltimore, his consecutive game streak overshadows his consistency in the field and at the plate. By the way, if Ozzie Smith is the most overrated player in baseball history, nominee Brooks Robinson -- he of the .267 lifetime average and 268 HR -- is a close second. I wanted to vote for Jim Palmer, but I wear Hanes).

Boston Red Sox: Ted Williams (Roger Clemens responded by taking a trip to Alcor Life Extension's headquarters and throwing a broken bat at Ted's severed head)

Chicago White Sox: Frank Thomas (If I don't pick him, he might refuse to pay me back the money he borrowed. Anyone else look at the Sox nominee list consisting of Aparicio, Fox, Baines, Minoso and the Big Hurt and agree that, for having such a long history, the Sox have han an incredible lack of big time superstars. I mean, Brook Fordyce, Dan Pasqua and Ivan Calderon must have all received honorable mentions)

Cleveland Indians: Jake Taylor (all the guys on DHL's list, except Bob Feller, played before FDR bought his first wheelchair. C'mon DHL, give the kids someone they have actually heard of. How about a Charles Nagy or a Carlos Baerga? I'm choosing Taylor because he had the guts to threaten Herb Dorn in Dorn's own house, and the stones to point to the center field stands, before fooling everyone by laying down a perfect bunt. And he hit .325 in the Mexican League)
Detroit Tigers: Ty Cobb (He was one of the biggest asses to ever play the game. He once went into the stands and pummeled a heckler who turned out to have no hands**, reportedly stabbed a man with a knife for no apparent reason, and got into more fights than Grover Dill and his toadie Scott Farkus combined, but it is awfully hard to argue with his lifetime .366 average).

Kansas City Royals: George Brett (Pine tar not included)

California Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles and Orange County California: Rod Carew (Chuck Finley is automatically diqualified for the famous Tawny Kitaen incident, Don Baylor is kicked out of contention for his 67-85 record managing the Cubs in 2000, Tim Salmon sucks, and just as I am not voting for Jason McElwain for basketball player of the year simply because it is a nice story, I'm also not picking a guy with a 87-108 lifetime record to be the Halos' hometown hero, even if he does only have one hand)

Minnesota Twins: Kirby Puckett (In a close call over Harmon Killebrew. It's too bad Kirby is not here to "see" such an honor (okay, even Trey Parker thinks that was, like Kirby, a little cold))

New York Yankees: Babe Ruth (Yogi Berra said that he would only appear at the awards ceremony if he got paid cash, which is as good as money. And while DiMaggio may have landed Marilyn Monroe, the Babe ate 580 hot dogs. The bobble heads agree)

Oakland A's: Rickey Henderson (Rickey also wins for the Newark Bears, the San Diego Surf Dawgs and the Palos Park Pieces of Crap)

Seattle Mariners: Ken Griffey Jr (few remember how incredible Junior was when he played in the Emerald City. He was so good that he was only 29 years old when he was named to the Major League Baseball All-Century Team. One can only wonder what his career totals would have looked like had the second half of his career not been marred by so many injuries. And it is common knowledge that the strongest thing that he has ever put in his body is Jolt Cola).

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Jorge Cantu (Yeah, I know he is not actually a nominee, but I am selecting him as a write-in candidate. After all, the guy hit the two-run single that gave the Rays a win over the Sox Thursday afternoon and anyone who is reponsible for ruining Ed Farmer and Hawk Harrelson's night is a winner in my book).

Texas Rangers: Nolan Ryan (Sure, nominee Rusty Greer has that flaming red hair and I have seen that sticker with his face on the back window of cars for years, but I have got... oh, that's Rusty Jones?)

Toronto Blue Jays: Mitch Williams (Let's look at the nominees...Pat Hentgen? Tony Fernandez? Dave Steib? Roberto Alomar? Weren't they all in an early 2000 female-singer- fronted rock band from Madison, Wisconsin? (that's Garbage for those of you who presently look as confused as Homer when he found out that Lard Lad was not a real guy). Oh sure, I can choose Joe Carter, who hit the most important home run in Blue Jay history, but I just can't get past the horror of his two seasons in the Cubs press box, so I'll go with the guy who served up the home run).

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy Johnson (I suppose if Ozzie Smith is good enough to be mentioned in the same breath with Ernie Banks, Cal Ripken and other all-time greats, Jay Bell, formerly known as Player A, is good enough to win the D-Backs' Hometown Hero award, but Johnson was just too dang unhittable during his time in the desert)

Atlanta Braves: Hank Aaron (Regardless of whether Barry Bonds surpasses Hammerin' Hank or not, Aaron will always be the all-time home run king in my book. At least until Angel Pagan hits number 756)

Chicago Cubs: Ernie Banks (Now and forever...Mr. Cub)

Cincinnati Reds: Johnny Bench (Let's eliminate Joe Morgan right off the bat for being Percy Weasley in a broadcast booth -- an insufferable git. Regarding the real contenders... Yes, Pete Rose is the all-time hit king. Yes, Frank Robinson's numbers are downright filthy. So, why Bench? Three words...The Baseball Bunch)

Colorado Rockies: The guy who sells Rocky Mountain Oysters behind the left field stands at Coors Field (Hey, most vendors are paid based on their total sales. That said, I can't imagine that the guy who is selling buffalo testicles can compete financially with the guy selling ice cream and the guy selling hot dogs, can you? I mean the ice cream and hot dog guys leave the game with enough dough to buy an autographed photo of John Elway. The oyster guy has barely enough to buy a lock of hair from Jake Plummer's beard. I'm just throwing the poor guy a bone).

Florida Marlins: Steve Bartman (because Dan Uggla hasn't proven it for an entire season yet and I hate Josh Beckett)

Houston Astros: Jeffcraigbagwellbiggio (for 14 years, Bagwellbiggio has been the face of the Astros. Now its Roger Clemens. Oh, brother. I sure miss Jeff's foot-long goatee)

Los Angeles Dodgers: Sandy Koufax (Despite the great tragedy that is the fact that Sandy's career lasted fewer years than David Faustino's, most baseball historians agree that Koufax was probably the greatest pitcher who ever lived. Roger Clemens does not agree. Roger Clemens is an ass. Have I already said that?)

Milwaukee Brewers: Jim Gantner is actually a nominee? Jim Gantner? Really? The same Jim Gantner that sported a lifetime average of .274 with 47 home runs and 568 RBI? The same second baseman whose on base percentage was a Tony Womack-esque .317? Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Robin Yount

New York Mets: Tom Seaver (Let's look at the other nominees. John Franco and his orange New York Sanitation Department t-shirt gets the blue collar vote. Tug McGraw, his battle with a brain tumor and his having sired Tim McGraw gets him the health care and country music fanbase vote. Mike Piazza gets the vote of the San Francisco and Halsted Street contingents, not to mention the Indigo Girls fan club. Darryl Strawberry gets the prison vote. All hail Seaver!)

Philadelphia Phillies: Mike Schmidt (The guy upstaged Dave Kingman in the famous 1979 23-22 victory over the Cubs. Dave Kingman!)

Pittsburgh Pirates: Roberto Clemente (Uncle Honus was one of the best players of the first half of the century and can apparently campaign from beyond the grave. Bill Mazeroski hit one of the most famous home runs in baseball history, but otherwise his career mirrored that of Ron Cey. Pops Stargell gave everyone little stars to put on their hats. Roberto gets bonus points because he spent his leisure time helping the less fortunate around the globe and not in a karaoke bar singing "We Are Family")

St. Louis Cardinals: Ha ha ha ha ha ho ho hee hee. Stan Musial

San Diego Padres: Tony Gwynn (Tony is the Padres' all time leader in runs, hits, batting average, on-base percentage and most choclate eclairs eaten in a single sitting. Mmmmm... chocolate eclairs)

San Francisco Giants: Willie Mays (At some point in his lifetime, the Say Hey Kid has served as a guest on Bewitched, a guest host on the Dick Cavett Show and a greeter at an Atlantic City Casino, but he will forever be known as the original five-tool player. Interesting Mays fact to impress your friends: Mays is the only player in MLB history to hit a home run in every inning from the 1st through the 16th).

Washington Montreal National Expos: Asbstention (Okay, when I was a young child, my favorite baseball players included Steve Ontiveros, Mike Krukow, Thad Bosley, and Lenny Randle. But, my absolute favorite player was Montreal Expo lead-off hitter and left fielder Tim Raines. Before taking up residence in the White Sox dugout and at the local all-you-can-eat buffet, Raines was a seven-time all-star who finished his career with a lifetime average of .294, a lifetime on-base percentage of .385, 170 home runs, 980 RBI and 808 stolen bases. Raines, however, apparently was not good enough to make the cut. Current catcher Brian Schneider, on the other hand, did. As long as DHL insists on including a .256 hitter with 37 career home runs and 185 RBIs over a guy who was an MVP candidate seven different seasons, I'm taking the same tact as Milhouse when Bart campaigned to be Springfield Elementary's third grade class president and I ain't voting.

And those, my friends, are the Random Thoughts' Hometown Heroes. Be sure to post your comments on who you think the "heroes" should be below...

Have a great Holiday!!!!

** Today's Pop Culture Trivia: The famous incident involving Cobb's pummeling of a spectator who had no hands was memorialized in the movie "Cobb" with Tommy Lee Jones playing the role of Ty Cobb. What famous musician played the role of the spectator?