Save 40% On All Jose Ceda Bobbleheads!!! One Day Only!!!

Welcome to a very special edition of the Random Thoughts. I know that I promised to remain out of action until next Tuesday, but I just could not wait to celebrate the arrival of Cesar Izturis, remind everyone that there are only 145 shopping days left until Christmas (so you better line up now at your local Macy's to make sure that you too can smell like Derek Jeter) and revel in the return to form of Mark Prior (Wait, strike that. Strike? Poor choice of words, huh?). Hey, if nothing else, this may be my last opportunity of 2006 to toast the health of Rex the Wonder Dog (although I readily recognize the all-too-likely possibility that in the time it takes to write today's special post, he may pull a hammy, break his clavicle, or get eaten by Ruben Brown and be shelved for the entire season).

Anyway, let me issue a quick warning... today's post is a one-day special. A singular oasis in the all-too-barren desert of intelligent, witty, clever, intellectual, brainy (guess who got a new theasaurus?) sports commentary. This is not going to be like a Kohl's "special one-day only sale!" which really out to be renamed the Kohl's "want to save 30% on all frames in stock, 50% on all men's Croft & Barrow knit shirts and 110% on all 2006 Kevin Federline calendars and the remaining inventory of Mel Gibson autographed menorahs, yarmulkes and seder plates? Well, you better get here quick or risk having to wait six whole days until next weekend when we run the exact same special one-day only sale!" Don't fret, your daily dose of Random Thoughts is still scheduled to return next Tuesday, but for now, this will have to suffice.

Away we go...

* Wrong. W-R-O-N-G. Wrong. What can I say? For the last four months, I have told everyone who would listen (and a few who really did not want to) that Juan Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey on August 1. Well, unless Pierre melted in the oppressive heat and the Cubs magically found some other 28-year old who fits into a youth medium Cubs jersey and looks like he is actually only 12 years of age to play center field and bat leadoff, I was dead wrong. In fact, I reluctantly admit that I showed about as much intelligent foresight as Sony Pictures when they decided that it would be good idea to make a movie about a man who wants to be a father so bad that he mistakes an extremely short, baby-faced criminal for his newly adopted son. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. (Heck, you can pretty much say as much about any studio that has ever contributed to the Wayans brothers ability to live the good life, except the fine folks who were responsible for giving the go ahead for the original Scary Movie...now that was funny!)

* Speaking of the oppressive heat that we are all suffering through... Adrian Cronauer's radio guest Roosevelt E. Roosevelt would agree that it is hot. Real hot! Damn hot! So hot that you can do a little crotch pot cooking*, but I prefer to simply say that it is as hot as"the last time we can all be together" scene featuring Sam Lombardo, Kelly Lanier Van Ryan and Suzie Marie Toller in a seedy motel. And if you have not seen Bill Murray's turn as Lombardo's sleazy defense attorney Kenneth Bowden, you are missing pure comedy genuis.

* Okay, so I was wrong about Pierre, but let's remember that even Smooth Jimmy Apollo was right only 52% of the time. And that is precisely why I am going to forevermore forget that I ever insisted that Juan would be an ex-Cub once the trading deadline had passed and focus on my April insistence that the early season fly balls hit off Greg Maddux that were finding the gloves of Cub outfielders thanks to the 35 degree temperatures and 35 mile per hour winds blowing off the lake would wind up finding the gloves of the Bleacher Bums and Sheffield/ Waveland Avenue ball hawks as the summer progressed. I think I have used this before, but hey, it's a favorite... I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I am so smart!

Anyway, the trade of Mad Dog to the Dodgers will benefit all parties involved. The Cubs get an infielder who, coming off Tommy John surgery, already knows his way around the training room and is already having his mail delivered to the disabled list (and with this team, what a plus to not have to teach the new guy how to wrap a sprained ankle or ice down a strained quad). The twenty-somethings can go back to ignoring the game and focus their concentration on drinking their beer and hitting on the hottie in the denim skirt without having to worry about being hit by home run ball after home run ball, generously served up by Greg. Greg himself benefits by playing on the west coast in a park where not even Charlie Sheen shows up until the 4th inning. You can bet that major league baseball is not disappointed that, as a result of the trade, nobody will be there to witness Maddux's 3 1/3 inning, six -run outings, ensuring that his legacy will not be tarnished. It's like an all-you can eat ice cream bar. Everyone benefits!

* Speaking of Izturis, did the Cubs really need yet another short minority (hey, Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. looked Hispanic) middle infielder? Welcome to Chi-Town Thing Three!

* Actually, I have got to give Jim Hendry a lot of credit for landing a bona fide major league player for Maddux. Izturis has proven in the past that he is a capable hitter and gold glove defender (yes, I am trying to ignore his career .295 on base percentage). Personally, I figured that the best the Cubs could do was a talking Vin Scully keychain ("...and here come the pretzels!"), a half-empty bottle of hair gel left behind by Mike Piazza, or an autographed photo of Tommy LaSorda with Dave Kingman (if you consider yourself a baseball fan and have never heard LaSorda's "analysis" of the three home runs hit by Kingman in a 1978 Cub victory over the Dodgers, google it -- good stuff!) Give Hendry credit.

* Isn't it time to seriously consider what type of pictures Thing Two has of Dusty from their time together in San Francisco? Can someone please explain to me why Neifi is still on the team, let alone playing? Ever since the trade for Izturis was announced, we have heard how Izturis and Cedeno will be the middle infield of the future. So, why not let the two of them get acquainted with one another? I mean, what possible explanation can there be for Thing Two's inclusion in Tuesday night's lineup? Pictures of Dusty and Jeff Kent singing Neil Sedaka songs at a Haight-Asbury leather bar? Pictures of Dusty and Ray Durham sharing a loaf of sourdough and a martini in the Castro? Pictures of Dusty sticking a needle in Barry's ass? Pictures of Dusty sticking something else in Barry's ass? I really hate to be vulgar here, but c'mon. Like Geraldo and Al Capone's vault, I'm desperately searching for something and coming up completely empty (at least Rivera found a dusty, old liquor bottle).

* I know that Neifi will forever be a Cubs hero, thanks to his game winning home run against the Giants while playing for the Rockies in 1998, but you don't see the team keeping 12-year old Henry Rowengartner on the pitching staff and that guy struck out Alejandro Heddo to win a division title for the North Siders en route to a World Series Championship**

* Jessica Alba. Ahhh...that feels better. It has been waaaaaaaaaaay too long.

* Speaking of worthwhile visuals... remove Matt Dillon from the aforementioned "last time we can all be together" scene and insert the resident RT hottie in his place. I'll give you all a second to let the image sink in.


That's better now, isn't it? I'm here for my loyal Random Thoughts readers. Just as George Costanza asked Jerry... "do you ever get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

* By the way, the pool scene and the car wash scene ain't too shabby either.

*Of course, Greg Maddux is not the only Cub who was traded by the North Siders at the trading deadline and I must say that I am not aware of a single Cub fan who is happy about the fact that Todd Walker was traded for a guy who could not crack the list of the top 30 prospects in the Arizona League. Todd always seemed like a decent guy and one simply cannot deny that the guy can flat out hit. In fact, it is my sense that most Cubs fans feel, not only that Todd should have been playing every day this year, but that he should be a fixture of the team's future, as well.

I certainly have felt that way, but suddenly have a strange feeling that, similar to Silvy and Carmen on ESPN Radio 1000, none of us have even the slightest idea what we are talking about. Doesn't there have to be a reason why Walker played for five different teams between 2000 and 2004, despite being tremendously productive at the plate? Doesn't there have to be some exaplanation for why the Red Sox would show him the door after a season in which Todd batted a respectable .283 with 85 RBI and was Boston's best hitter in the playoffs? Does it make any sense that Cubs management had been desperate to unload Todd since last December but was unable to do so? There has got to be something more there, doesn't there? One thing we know for sure is that Thing Two certainly never gave Todd copies of his pictures of Dusty and Armando Benitez playing red rover with Uncle Jesse, Joey, Danny, D.J., Stephanie, and the anorexia twins in front of their Victorian Nob Hill mansion.

* Anyone else get the feeling that Uncle Jesse and Becky's twins grew up to be Jeremy Shockey and Adam Morrison. I mean, what two-year old has that type of hair? And the whining. Oh, the whining.

* Dee Brown's NBA Hall-of-Fame career will begin with a November 1 game against the Houston Rockets at the Delta Center in Salt Lake City. Man, you take a month or so off and you really have to shake the rust off, don't you?

* What is more shocking... that Rex the Wonder Dog is still in one piece, that Olin Kreutz has yet to break a fellow lineman's jaw or that Charles Tillman has reportedly not fallen down in training camp yet? Oh yeah, in training camp he just has to cover Me-Sin Me-Hammed, Mark Bradley, Wendell Davis, and Brian Baschnagel. Steve Smith is still laughing and the Lions' Roy Williams is licking his chops.

* Don't worry about Kenny Williams' failure to make a deal, Sox fans. Carl Everett was recently released from the Mariners and, last I checked, still avoiding prison (and, therefore, available), Roberto Alomar is still bouncing around Puerto Rico teaching young players how to develop and maintain a good relationship with umpires, and both Herbert Perry and Mike Caruso are tired of making minimum wage at Blockbuster and would love a return to the major leagues. Oh, it's the pitching that keeps you up at night?

Put down the sushi Shingo and step out of the unemployment line, Billy Koch. Opportunity may just be around the corner.

* Seriously, how could Kenny, known for his willingness to make the big trade, have failed to pick up any valuable pitching help prior to the trading deadline? And don't give me a Mike McDougal or a David Riske. I said valuable pitching help. Everyone knows that you cannot outscore teams 10-8 in the playoffs, if you even get there. I am certainly not counting the Sox out yet (in fact, I am one of the few that thinks that the divison is still winnable -- especially with the Tigers' upcoming schedule and 10 games left against Detroit), but the bullpen remains a major question mark. And the starters haven't exactly been Koufax-Gibson-Seaver either. Unless you are talking about Jason, Mike, Ben, Maggie, Carol or that annoying, prissy Little Orphan Annie wanna-be (yes, I know the spelling is incorrect...)

* Finally, I am a little disappointed that danisgone.blogspot.com was such a bust. Just like New Coke and Crystal Pepsi, it seemed like such a good idea at the time, and ended up just about as successful. I guess I should have called it garyscott.blogspot.com. Oh well!

See you on August 8!

* Today's Pop Culture Trivia: In what town was Roosevelt E. Roosevelt stationed?

**Today's Bonus Pop Culture Trivia: What starred as young pitcher Henry Rowengartner? Hint: The finest moment of his life probably occured when he finally scored on-screen with Carson Daly's ex.

***Today's Extra-Special Bonus Trivia Question: Which former New York Met and Chicago Cub portrayed Alejandro Heddo?