Yes, I know that it is only preseason. I know that it means about as much as Paris Hilton's vow to remain celibate for one whole year (alright, after last week's Paris-o-Rama and today's mention, I promise that I will get off Paris for at least a while. Get off... ho, ho, hee, hee. And I thought picking on Wood and Prior was a layup...Paris is just so easy. See). And, I know that Rex the Wonder Dog was taking snaps from some guy named Lennie Friedman rather than O-Line mainstay Olin Kruetz (how much of a downgrade is that? Well, let's just say that while Kreutz spends early February hanging out on Waikiki Beach with Shaun Alexander and Peyton Manning, looking for Steve McGarrett and Danno Williams, and strapping on the pads only to strut his stuff in the Game-At-The-End-Of-the-Year-That-Absolutely-Nobody-But-Mike-Patrick -Joe-Thiesmann-Paul-McGuire-and-a-Bunch-Of-Overtanned-Hawaiians- Care-About, while the other likely spends his February baking hamantaschen in preparation for Purim and filling in for Rabbi Hyman Krustofski at Temple Beth Springfield). But, that was bad.
But, raise your hand if you are really surprised. Those of you who have ridden the Random Thoughts train since it first left the station last August (when it was distributed as a weekly e-mail newsletter) already know of my befuddlement with those who proclaim that Rex the Wonder Dog has the potential to be the next John Elway. More like the next Jonathan Quinn. It was a little over a year ago, when I wrote the following (and I quote)...
"Rex the Wonder Dog...I'm not sure what I am missing here. All of Chicago seems excited about this guy and seems to think that he is going to be a great QB. I just don't see it and never have."
My opinion certainly has not changed.
I mean...really...what exactly is it about Grossman that gets a lot of fans so excited? Could it be his career 53.8 completion percentage or his four touchdowns in eight career games? Perhaps it is his per game average of less than 163 yards or his career quarterback rating of 68.8 (by comparison, Jeff Blake has a career quarterback rating of 78.0, Chad Hutchinson's is 69.1, and even Tom Yinessa had a career QB rating of 72.0 (please, please, please...somebody understand this reference. Anybody?**)). Maybe it is the fact that he reportedly crushed Kerry Wood and Mark Prior in winning the 2005 Chicago Simulated Games Championship (Kerry took the "throwing off flat ground" title, Mark won the towel throwing contest, but Rex kicked both of their asses in the kissing Me-sin Me-hammed's butt, holding a clipboard and wearing a hat backwards, and burying a bone events).
And so now the sports airwaves are buzzing with the possibility of a "quarterback controversy." Lovie, however, says that there is no controversy and I agree with him 100%. I mean, how can there possibly be a controversy? Brian Griese, he of the 63.1% completion rate, 218 yards per game, 103 touchdowns in 75 career games and lifetime 84.8 QB rating, has got to be the unquestioned starter doesn't he? I mean, you wouldn't listen to a Mariah Carey album if there was a Beatles record available, you wouldn't pay money to see "From Justin to Kelly" if "Usual Suspects" was showing, and you certainly would not leave Jessica Alba alone on the couch to go see Rosie O'Donnell's Happy Meal toy collection, would you? Oh yeah, we live in Chicago and Thing 2 is still getting at-bats. Never mind.
Look, I never wish injury on anyone (ok, maybe Adam Morrison and possibly Hawk Harrelson), but, truth be told, the best thing that can happen for the Bears' Superbowl aspirations is Rex gets caught with a bad can of Alpo or injures his paw or has some kind of a freak accident that results in his having to wear one of those cone collars, like Santa's Little Helper after Mr. Burns' oil derrick destroyed Bart's treehouse and SLH was forced to visit Dr. Nick. Of course, should the Bears be forced to put all of their eggs in Griese's basket, we better hope that Terrell Davis does not have any parties, Griese keeps his dogs off the stairs and all Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels and Zima is removed from Halas Hall.
Like I said, I never wish injury on anyone that does not look like a reject from the movie Boogie Nights or whose on-air persona makes me long to hear Joe Carter's voice, but everyone sing along with me...
Bear down, Chicago Bear
I hate to beg but break your leg
or tear up your knee.
Bear down, Chicago Bear
Avian flu and measles too
will keep you off the field
We'll never forget the way you broke your ankle
Well, at least you're better than Craig Krenzel
Bear Down, Chicago Bear
With you, we'll never wear the crown
You just aren't very good
I'd trade you for Vince Evans if I could
Chicago Bear, Bear down!!
A few notes...
* Nice to see the Cubs fight back and win a game on the road on Sunday. Nicer still that Ryan The Riot gets a career highlight to show his grandkids with his bases clearing eighth-inning double. Two years from now, Ryan is more likely to be the 2008 American Idol winner than he is playing everyday for the Chicago Cubs and, unfortunately, shaking Ryan Seacrest's hand does not count as a career highlight. (Thank you to Random Thoughts non-commenter Todd for noticing the spelling of Ryan's last name and for christening a new RT nickname).
* Sean Marshall went out on his first rehab assignment since being put on the DL with an oblique injury in late July. The young Cubs hurler pitched only three innings yet still managed to give up five walks. Yep, looks like he is ready to rejoin the Cubs' rotation.
* It is difficult to believe that just four or five short years ago, current Cubs' farmhand Jerome Williams was considered one of the most promising pitching prospects in the minor leagues. Of course, fortunately for San Francisco fans, Giants' GM Brian Sabean was able to unload Williams and David AArdsma on Jim Hendry and the Cubs, receiving in return LaTroy Hawkins and cash. Williams...sucks. AArdsma...sucks. Hawkins...sucks. Cash... Mmmmmmmmm cash...
Anyway, with Sunday night's three-inning, six-run, 10-hit, 3-walk performance, Williams now has an unfathomable 1.68 walks and hits per inning ratio with Iowa. That, my friends is bad. How bad? Well, let's just say that it is a little like having a career quarterback rating that is only 1.1 points higher than Cade McNown's. Did you hear that Wonder Dog fans? I said 1.1 points higher than Cade McNown...
Jerome's downfall is stunning, but not quite a stunning as the thoroughly depressing demise of the career of poor Dustin Diamond. Six weeks or so ago, RT commenter WrigleyBill noted that Diamond was hawking t-shirts in order to raise enough money to keep his Wisconsin house. Now comes word that Diamond claims that a woman, armed with a can of mace, broke into his hotel room in Nebraska (Nebraska, really. It is not code to keep thewife sane) in order to steal his Playstation video games. Dustin claims that he was able to apprehend the scofflaw (scofflette?) and hold her at bay until the police arrived.
Can this possibly be true? Can the man who is responsible for the famous dance "The Sprain," who bucked the odds to win the "Miss Bayside Pagaent," and who gave up his right to be Bayside's valedictorian because he knew how much it meant to Jessie (and look how far her hard work in high school got her... all the way to the Cheetah Club) really have fallen this far? Sure, he kicked Horshack's butt on Celebrity Boxing, but where is Zack when he is needed most? Slater, we always knew, could not be counted on, but Zack? How sad.
* Finally, it appears as though Kate Hudson is reading the Random Thoughts! Four days after comparing the possibility of Tyson Barrett hitting in the leadoff spot to Kate's marriage to Chris Robinson, word is spreading that the two love birds are splitting up. My guess is that Hudson has realized for years that she was married to a pot-smoking, 68-pound ugmo, but, upon reading my analogy thought to herself "holy cow, can it really be that bad?" Yes, Kate, it is. But I hear Axl Rose may be looking...
***Today's Pop Culture Triva Questions (you probably will immediately know the answers or will have absolutely no idea what I am talking about): For what team did Tom Yinessa play? Who starred as team owner Diane Barrow? Who starred at running back and, later General Manager T.D. Parker? (and how lucky is Shannon Tweed, who played Christy Fulbright, to escape from the set with her life...you know how T.D. likes them long legged blondes). Can you name any other players who shared a lockerroom with Yinessa?
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4 comments:
I have no clue what the answer to the trivia question is. I did realize 3 things while watching the game last though:
1)Why is it even a question if Weasley will play next year? In his first full season, he is batting just under .300 and is much improved on D. Walker must have given Weasley his Jobu shrine when he left for San Diego.
2)Is there an “Elvis broadcasting rule” in effect when Big Z is on the mound? They NEVER pan below his waist. Maybe it’s because he tugs on it more than Paris in a Rick Solomon movie. Instant message late at night Carlos? Whatever.
3)Kudos to Oswalt for taking a liner on the wrist and STAYING IN THE GAME. Hope our throwers are taking notes. Had that happened to Iron Will Prior, he’d be on the DL through 2008 (if he’s not already).
Can't remember the name of the team but it comes from one of HBO's first original series "1st & 10".
Owner Dianne Barrow was played by Delta Burke, long before she became Delta Blimp.
OJ Simpson played himself as TD Parker
I believe John Matuszak was on the team and I remember the kicker as being a little guy that spoke little or no english but can't remember other character names.
Damn, that's gotta be 20 years ago. I must be getting old.
I think that Tom Boy was a quarterback on a show in the early, maybe 90's. Can't recall the name but I remembered him and so I must have watched the show.
Related to the trivia...HBO has finally followed up 1st and 10 with another quality show for guys - Entourage. It only took them 20 years.
Maybe Rex can work on his accuracy by throwing a football through a tire swinging on a rope at the ol' junk yard. If he is unsuccesful he should be dispatched to "Delta", British Columbia. If the tire trick works, perhaps then Brooke "Burke" can play a cheerleader in a reprise of the show. Then we could see Arnold make a cameo playing himself as the governor visiting the owner's box during a game drinking a mimosa - you know, "OJ" and champagne.
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