What's Next? Red Rover on the USA Network?

"To the beginner the choices are few, to the expert the choices are many." -- Wojek Smallsoa

Very little surprises me these days, but I must admit that every now and then, something pops out of the wordwork and leaves me (yes, me) at a complete loss for words (albeit for only a moment). In the very recent past, we have witnessed and explosion in he popularity of televised poker, we have watched Kerry Close outspell hundreds of other nerds in stunning high definition on ABC, and we have been treated to an occasional ping pong match live from China. We have even had the opportunity to watch millionaire football players play video games against other millionaire football players on ESPN, Norwegian lumberjack competitions featuring more lumberjills than lumberjacks, and Takeru Kobayashi make like Augustus Gloop and finish off more than 53 hot dogs at Nathan's famous contest on Coney Island. But, on Monday, June 12, 2006, the A & E network took us a a brand new place that none of us ever figured that we would go.

Yes, friends and neighbors, this past Monday, A & E broadcast the inaugural USA Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship.

You read that correctly...the USA Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship.

But that is not the end of the story and I am happy to report that I bring you exciting news. Summon the wife to come home, stop sleeping with your Kentucky cousin and take the horse testicles out of your mouth. No longer will you have to prepare for an appearance on Wife Swap, The Jerry Springer Show or Fear Factor in hopes that you can make enough money to pay for that sweet Rainbow Brite doll that you ordered off e-bay. Believe it or not, the winner of the championship took home a whopping $50,000 in cold, hard cash.

I caution you, however, that winning such a championship is not as easy as it seems. One only need read the quote at the head of this post by famed Rock, Paper, Scissors strategist Wojek Smallsoa, the current chairman of the World RPS Society and the author of the RPS Bible "The Trio of Hands " (1962). (I am not making this up, people). So, although you may have been successful at getting your girlfriend to go with you to see Lawnmower Man 2, instead of her choice, some ridiculous period piece starring Emma Thompson (never...I repeat, never, agree to see a movie starring Emma Thompson unless it includes a character named Cornelius Fudge), thanks to a well-played scissors, your chances of beating 2006 champ "Drill" McGill are painfully slim (Drill defeated "Fast Twitch" Twitchel to win the tournament). In other words, this isn't like playing against either Kramer or Mickey (rock, rock -- rock, rock -- rock, rock...)

I also must warn you that a game of RSP, or Roshambo or Farggling, or Ching Chong Chow is not to be entered into lightly. According to RSP laws published in England in 1842, RSP is only to be played in an effort to settle a dispute, although the law has recently been amended to allow games of "honor" to be played (hence, the authorization of the championship). Most incredibly, earlier this year, a Federal judge in Florida ordered opposing sides in a lengthy court case to settle a point using the game of RSP. Specifically, the Honorable Gregory Presnell ordered that "at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of 'rock, paper, scissors.' The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition." Unfortunately, I have not received confirmation regarding whether A & E, Bravo and the Game Show Network are fighting over the broadcasting rights. Maybe Gopherball Glendon can host. I imagine that in a few weeks he will have nothing else to do.

(For those of you who are incredibly bored, feel free to visit http://www.worldrps.com/ for more information on this fad that is sure to soon sweep the nation. You can even download RPS superstar trading cards. I'll trade you my Master Roshambollah for your Todd Brilliant).

You know, this is the kind of information that the Tribune and the Sun Times just don't dedicate enough copy space to. Aren't you happy you know me?

It's been a busy week in the world of sports. Let's empty the brain, shall we?

* Former LSU Tiger Tyrus Thomas held a personal workout with the Bulls yesterday, but had to cut it short when he developed stomach problems. Not sure if the stomach problems were caused by witnessing Tyson Chandler shoot jump shots or by being forced to watch old films of the Tim Floyd years. Gotta love reliving the Dalibor Bagaric and Dragan Tarlac years...

* Michael Jordan has apparently become sick of spending time with Juanita and the kids and is the new part-owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. In his new position, Michael will run basketball operations for the team. As such, McDonald's will now serve the pre-game meal, Hanes will manufacture the Bobcats' uniforms (in Hong Kong, I mean in Allentown, Pennsylvania...yeah... Allentown) and team overnight gambling junkets to Atlantic City will now be mandatory for all players and personnel.

* Upon hearing the news, Los Angeles Laker owner immediately called Charlotte and let Jordan know that Kwame Brown was available.

* Who was most upset with Fernando Pasani's shorthanded overtime goal in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, giving Edmonton the win and forcing a Game 6 to be shown tonight on NBC? The Carolina Hurricanes, who, with a win would have won the Cup, NBC, which probably would have gotten better ratings if the network had shown reruns of Remington Steele (heck, they probably would get better ratings with reruns of B.J and the Bear or Who Wants to Marry My Dad?), or the poor Edmonton youngsters who, with the announcement that a scheduled performance of Dora the Explorer would have to be canceled to free up the arena, were so angry thet they spat tabacca juice all over their Jeff Gordon t-shirts?

* A few of y0u have asked me whether the Lingerie Football League is real or a figment of my over-active imagination. The truth is that the Lingerie Football League is a very real concept that has just not picked up a network television partner. Further, it is also true that Dennis Rodman was named the league commissioner in 2005.

That said, Random Thoughts commenter "Bearister" questions the naming of the Chicago franchise as the "Bliss." With Bears and Cubs already in town, Bearister wants to know why the bra and panty-clad beauties would not just maintain consistency and refer to themselves as the Chicago Teddies. You have to admit that he has a point.

Along the same lines, I think franchises should be awarded to Minnesota, Philadelphia, Oakland and Milwaukee. Minnesota can certainly keep the Twins, but the other teams need creative names that play off already existing names. The City of Brotherly Love already has the 76ers... how about the 69ers? San Francisco's ratty neighbor already has the A's... how about the Double D's? Brewtown already has the Bucks... how about the...

* Alright, I officially have no idea what to make of Scotty Pods this year. All I can say is that his contract with the devil must have some pretty funky provisions. He's good. He's bad. He's great. He stinks. At this point, believe it or not, his average is actually only two points higher than Juan Pierre's (.247 to .245). Who drafted the contract anyway? Lionel Hutz?

For Lisa's sake (that's Dergen, not Simpson), I hope he is a heck of a lot more consistent off the field than on. Otherwise, Tail Chaser Anderson may wish to switch his beer of choice to St. Pauli Girl. You never know when she may get antsy.

* Einstein Jones apparently had traded his baserunning skills for a brand new left arm. Too bad, he apparently shops at a thrift store for the physically handicapped. "Thedaughter" has a better chance of throwing out a runner on the bases than Einstein. At this point, he might be better off just running the ball into the cut-off man. These 7-foot throws simply are not cutting it.

* The Cubs have, thus far, been successful at holding off the Pirates in the standings, but while they were scanning the horizon for a sing of the Jolly Roger, peglegs, eye patches, or Johnny Depp, the Florida Toddlers or Minnows or Flying Joe Girardi's swam right by them and took over sole-possession of 11th place in the National League. Let the "Bring Joe Girardi to the North Side" movement begin.

* And please bring a crate of garlic crabs from The Rustic Inn, an autographed Dan Marino football and Miguel Carbrera with you.

* Apparently, the rumor regarding the ouster of Gunston is true. According to NPR, George Mason is looking for a new mascot that is more closely connnected with the school's Patriots nickname. Given this news, it is clearly time to unite as one and dedicate all lobbying resourcs to this fight. Forget the immigration debate and send Saddam Bin Laden back to Iran, shelve the fight over stem cell research and just perform medical experients at Guantanamo, and ignore the need for tax and social security reform, we need to band together and make our voices be heard. Save Gunston!!!

After all, the New Orleans "Saints" have kept Joe Horn around, even after the great cell-phone caper, and the New York Yankees have enjoyed the services of Tampa, Florida native Gary Sheffield for years. Not to mention that fact that the Cincinnati Reds haven't had a guy named Stalin or Lenin or Marx for as long as I can remember.

* Finally, as I write this the Detroit Tigers are beating the Cubs 5-2 in the top of the 8th inning. White Sox fans are dancing in the streets of Mt. Greenwood! No, wait a minute. Sox fans are crying. But, it's the Cubs that are losing -- the villians from the north. Sox fans rejoice! But the Tigers are ahead of the Sox in the A.L. Central. Sox fans scream in anger. Oh man, I'm so confused.

This is like a bulimic woman who is addicted to chocolate going to the Nestle factory and discovering that there are no toilets or other places to vomit. Oh, the humanity!!!!

Gotta go! I'm off to the Duck, Duck, Goose championship and I've got a C-note on little Eddie Barker from Naperville to take the title!

*** Congratulations to "Shabba Dabba Doo," who correctly identified Matthew Broderick as the actor who was originally cast as Alex P. Keaton in Family Ties. Now picture Michael J. Fox as Ferris Bueller. Doesn't work does it?