We're Going Streaking!!!

As spring morphs into summer, teams throughout major league baseball are basically falling into one of two buckets. Either their dynamite play reminds us of sizzling hot former Miss Georgia Ellen Sue Gatlander or their on field incompetence is making us recoil in horror as if we had been paired with Marla Hooch during a Champagne Snowball (without a whole lot of on-again, off-again Kit Kellers included in the mix). On one side of the coin, you have teams like the White Sox, winners of six straight and 10 of 12, the Twins, victors in 10 of their last 12, and the Florida Minnows/ Toddlers/ Flying Joe Girardis, who after starting the season 11-31, have won 19 of their last 26 games, including nine straight before yesterday’s loss to Baltimore. And to think that you can take the entire Florida payroll and still not come close to being able to afford to pay Angelina Jolie enough to make a stupid video-game knockoff movie that only 12-year old pimply faced boys and 45-year old comic book store owners will actually go and see. Heck, even the Kansas City Royals have won four of their last five, a feat that ranks just below the forthcoming Random Thoughts compliment of Dee Brown on the “you have got to be kidding me” scale (it’s coming…).

On the other side of the fence, you have the Montreal Washington National Expos, losers of 8 of their last 10, the Cleveland Indians who have lost 10 of their last 12, including two of three to the Cubs, and the Arizona Diamondbacks, who are a 2000-01 Chicago Bulls-esque 2-14 since tattletale Jason Grimsley became the most hated man in Arizona since Dee Brown lead the Illini to an improbable 15-point comeback in the 2005 NCAA Elite Eight against Lute Olson’s Wildcats (there it is! Whoo hoo!!). I haven’t seen tattling cause so much anger and hurt feelings since Sam thought Alice was having an affair with the postman thanks to idiot Cindy’s big mouth.

Sheesh Sam, calm down. She had just won a groovy hi-fi stereo! At long last, she can listen to Marcia’s Davy Jones’ records. Heck, I’d kiss the postman, too (oh, please don’t let Ozzie read that…).

Most surprising is the utter collapse currently being experienced by the Atlanta Braves. Winners of 14 consecutive NL East championships, the Braves enter play today losers of 19 of their last 22 games (including 9 in a row) and now sit 14.5 games out of first in sixth and last place in the division. Things have gotten so bad in Atlanta that longtime Brave John Smoltz has informed the team that he will accept a trade if it means helping the ballclub (watch Kenny Williams end up landing Smoltz for a churro and a Nancy Faust Greatest Hits album -- watch Jim Hendry offer nothing more than the rights to David Kelton). Smoltz is the only remaining Brave from the all-time great pitching staffs of the 90’s and his departure is sure to officially end what has been a truly remarkable era. First Steve Avery was let ago, prompting a signing with Boston where his pitching talent inexplicitly disappeared more quickly than Allen Iverson when he hears a siren and sees flashing lights (you know, Avery’s departure from MLB occurred right around the same time as Gopherball Glendon’s arrival in Chicago…hmmmm). Then Kevin Millwood was jettisoned to Philadephia where he has become just another run-of-the-mill pitcher. Next, Tom Glavine took his union card and hockey stick to the Big Apple, where he is 10-2 this season for the Mets. And finally, Greg Maddux conned the Cubs into believing that his savvy, pitching smarts and 63-mph fastball could continue to fool major league hitters for another couple of years. Whoops.

Perhaps the most significant missing ingredient from the Braves glory years is pitching coach Leo Mazzone, who left Bobby Cox’s staff after more than 35 years of gently rocking back and forth in the Braves’ dugout. Mazzone is largely considered one of baseball’s best pitching coaches and the Braves’ astronomical ERA this year (4.86 – good for 25th in all baseball) is no coincidence. The lesson to be learned, which I have tried to teach in past posts of the Random Thoughts is that a pitching coach is akin to the movie The Usual Suspects -- not to be overrated. The Braves are learning the same hard lesson the Sox learned during the Nardi Contreras years (before the whiz that is Don Cooper arrived on the South Side) . The Cubs? Well, if they ever put down the cell phone and sponsorship contract long enough to realize that their young pitchers continue to show little command and even less ability to make game-to-game adjustments, they might realize that keeping Larry Rothschild on staff makes about as much sense as keeping Thing Two on the roster… or keeping Gopherball Glendon on the pitching staff… or not playing Phil Nevin everyday. You know, somebody really needs to buy Dennis Fitzsimmons and Andy McPhail a gift certificate to Clues-R-Us. And quick.

* Apparently, the New York Daily News reported that Yankees’ head honcho George Steinbrenner has asked that General Manager Brian Cashman look into the possibility of acquiring Einstein Jones from the Cubs (once you get over the initial shock of the above statement, try and remember that Steinbrenner is the same guy who hired a middle-age bald man who wanted to join a Latvian Orthodix Church simply because he liked the hats – way to go on the trivia “sox fan joe” -- as the team’s assistant to the traveling secretary).

Are you kidding me? Can this possibly be true? Hello, Christmas in July! I fully realize that Jones has raised his average to .296 and has 13 home runs and 36 RBI, but getting the Cubs out from under Jones’ 3-year/ $12 million contract would rank right up there with the December 2002 trade of Todd Hundley as one of the greatest deals in Cubs’ history (look, it is not a particularly long list). Can you imagine getting a right fielder that can actually throw the ball further than “theson?” And, no, it doesn’t matter what they get in return. It’s New York. A bag of fresh bagels or a couple of tickets to Cats would work. Heck, even a pre-controversy family photo of a smiling Woody Allen, Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi ought to do the trick.

* No, Mark Prior was not very good in his return to the majors. But, hey, let’s try to be optimistic and, for once, look on the bright side. The Tigers may have put up six in the first inning, but at least they missed the extra point.

Was that Carlos Huerta I saw in Tigers’ blue and orange?

* Oh Ozzie…why can’t you keep your mouth shut for just a few minutes? Can you really be that eager to see your name in the Random Thoughts? There certainly is no problem with that, but how about trying a different approach? Invite Jessica Alba to throw out the first pitch at a home game (now that I think of it, for a measly $10,000 she can probably buy herself the opportunity). Invite Jessica Biel to drag the infield (Thing One and Thing Two…meet Hottie One and Hottie Two…) Enter the U.S. Rock Paper Scissors Championship. Quit your job (like you said you would if the Sox won the World Series) and move back to Venezuela to teach children the English language, take a role as a soap opera hunk, or accept a position as Hugo Chavez’s official lapdog. Anything other than opening your mouth.

Look, I know that you hate Jay Mariotti. The whole world knows that you hate Jay Mariotti. Shoot, even I hate Jay Mariotti. The guy is obnoxious. He’s Chicago’s very own Rita Skeeter, somplete with a Quik Quotes Quill. I mean he couldn’t even keep a job as a host on ESPN Radio 1000, where even Silvy and Carmen plug along despite offering less sports insight than Joe Carter during his ill-advised run as a Cubs broadcaster. But, no matter how much you dislike him, you cannot under any circumstances use a derogatory term that everyone in my country immediately recognizes as referring to a homosexual to describe him. It’s just plain stupid and puts you in the same team picture as John Rocker. And in case you need a reminder, that’s like Ramadi -- not a particularly nice place to be.

Yes, I have heard your lame excuse. That in your country, that particular term means something completely different. Well, you know what Ozzie, I have said it before and I will say it again, you are now a citizen of this country. You make a living in this country. You rely on the public services of this country. You eat at McDonald’s, shop at the Gap and watch American Idol. If you do not like it, go back to Venezuela, go on a safari in Kenya, go deep sea driving off the coast of Australia, or just lock yourself in a cabin in Saskatchewan. I don’t [bleeping] care where the [bleep] you [bleeping] go, but if you do not want to [bleeping] play by our [bleeping] rules, get the [bleep] out.

I just thought that I would put it in a language that maybe you can understand.

Have a nice [bleeping] day…

***I apologize for the delay in this post, but, unfortunately, I seem to have lost my internet access at home and had to write it in Word and upload it onto the site this morning. So, technically, this is Wednesday's post as it was written last night.

I hope to finish a new Thursday ost at some point today, but it may be more likely that I get it done tonight and post it tomorrow morning. I suppose only time will tell. Thanks to all of you who keep checking the site. You just never know when a new batch of Random Thoughts are going to come spilling out of my head.