But Wait There's More...

Sheesh, my mailbox has been absolutely overflowing recently! In fact, it has been so full that a number of letters and packages have apparently spilled out and been taken by people who just happened to be walking by. Included on the list of lost items is my autographed copy of Larry Rothschild's "Guide to Getting In Front of Hitters" (foreward by Kerry Wood and Angel Guzman) which evidently was picked up and read by rookie pitcher Sean Marshall before yesterday's start against the Astros. For those of you too busy helping Random Thoughts commenter Bearister and U.S. soccer coach Bruce Arena try to find a cure for two left feet, Marshall threw a first pitch ball to 11 of the last 13 hitters that he faced last night and, not suprisingly, gave up four runs as a result. Congratulations Sean! You are officially a Cub. Please proceed to the desk on your left to sign up for your official tee time at Dorado Del Mar Golf Club on the lovely island of Puerto Rico, valid during the first week of October for the next twenty years or for as long as you don Cubby Blue. Trust me, it is not likely that you are going to miss a round.

Anyway...back to the mail bag.

* Dan,

I'm absolutely humiliated and simply cannot go on. So, how do you think I should do it? Self-inflicted gunshot or should I just jump in front of St. Louis Ram defensive lineman Leonard Little's Porsche after a night of drinking at the Landing?

Steve Andrade

-- Steve,

Please try not to overreact. Look, a lot worse things could have happened to you. You could have been either Sargeant Pembry or Sargeant Boyle, the two Tennessee guards assigned to watch over the makeshift cell of Dr. Hannibal Lecter (I personally enjoy green beans more that fava beans, but that may just be me). You could have been beaten nearly to death and had your bloody body buried alive like Nicky Santoro. You could have even been trampled to death by a bunch of wildebeests, leaving your much too young son so guilt-ridden that he winds up living with a warthog and a meerkat. Heck, you could have been forced to watch a Chicago Sky game.
Wait a minute... You're the dude who was taken off the Kansas City Royals' 40-man roster and designated for assignment to make way for newly claimed Todd Wellemeyer, aren't you? Never mind. See you on the other side.

* Hey gang,

How about the Arena League Champion Chicago Rush? Not sure if you know this but my Rush defeated the Orlando Predators 69-61 to win Arena Bowl XX. I was so happy that I smoked seven cigars last Saturday night and took a trip to visit my buddy Ricky Williams in Toronto on Sunday. I really do not remember much other than eating a lot of potato chips, listening to Bob Marley and watching Dazed and Confused. Wooderson is the coolest.

Anyway, with the Bears win in Super Bowl XX that makes me awfully successful in games numbered XX, huh?

Ditka

-- Da Coach,

How is Ricky doing? I really hope that he realizes that he needs to change his ways to get back into the NFL. Unfortunately, if he stays on the same road, his career is sure to go up in smoke. And that would be a drag.

By the way, I hope that you described the game as the Arena Championship and not the Arena Bowl. That would confuse the heck out of him and he would wonder why he wasn't included in the festivities.

Anyway, yes, your achievements in XX games is quite remarkable. Unfortunately, Diana is not as impressed with your performance in XXX games. Looks like that Levitra is not all that it is cracked up to be, huh? Please don't shoot the messenger, but she is warning that she may start going on boat trips with the Minnesota Vikings or start hanging out with Marv Albert and Frank Gifford if things do not change. And if things really take a turn for the worse, she is thinking about going to a movie with Paul Reubens.

* Mr. Waghner,

Coach Riley told me that you have criticized a lot of the basketball experts for trumpeting my game recently and chastised those who are putting me on the same level as Michael Jordan. Does last night's performance prove to you that I am as good as they all say? Forty-three points and 13 rebounds ain't too shabby.

Dwyane

-- Mr. Wadhe

Michael wouldn't have missed the free throw with 1.4 seconds left. Better luck next time.

* Dannnnn,

Cannnn youuu believeee thattt theeee Durhammm policeeee actuallyyyy hadddd theeee nerveee tooo arresttt meeeee? {hiccup} I onlyyyyy hadddd likeeee theeeee beersssss. Don'ttttt theyyy knowwww whooooo I ammmmm? {burp} I betterrrrr getttt Coachhhhh Kkkkk toooo fixxxxx allllll thisssss. Grantttt Hillll neverrrrr gottttt treatedddd likeeee thissss.

J.J.

-- J.J.,

I thought I told you to stay away from the Lacrosse team!

Or were you are Christian Laettner celebrating the failure of U.S. Senate Joint Resultion 1 again? Hoping to get drafted by the Golden State Warriors, are you?

* Dan,

This is getting ridiculous! Ted Phillips and Jerry Angelo don't seem to understand how great we are. Drew Rosehaus tells us all the time that we are on par with Brian Urlacher and LaDainian Tomlinson. He says that we should just hang out at home and hold press conferences while doing sit-ups on our driveways (by the way, he also said that he will try and get us a commercial with Nicolette Sheridan this year). Do you think that either of us will play for the Bears this season?

Lance and Thomas

* Guys,

You have to remember that it is the Bears that we are talking about here. Unfortunately, that means that all the normal rules can be thrown out the window. I mean, ultimately, who knows what Phillips and Angelo are going to do?

Of course, if I was in charge of the Bears, you would both be on the field. Let's start with you Lance, as your situation is a little less complicated. Are you as good as Urlacher? No. But at this point, you are light years better than Hunter Hillenmeyer, T.J. Hollowell, Leon Joe, Jamar Williams, Rod Wilson and whatever other linebackers they plan on bringing in to compete for your spot. So, unless Otis Wilson (who actually looks like he has spent a little too much time recently hanging out with Tina Yothers -- who is a contestant on VH-1's next season of Celebrity Fit Club -- at Old Country Buffet) or Wilbur Marshall plans on coming out of retirement, or Bobby Boucher and Daniel Bateman suddenly become available you ought to be safe.

(Speaking of hanging out with Tina Yothers, actor Jon Favreau who played animalistic linebacker Daniel Bateman in The Replacements, looks like he totally cleaned out an Old Country Buffet -- tables, chairs, food tays, silverware and all. I think he even ate a family of six when they refused to give up their apple pie).

Once again, however, please keep in mind that this is the Bears we are talking about.

Thomas, your situation is a little more troublesome. You, of course, have to contend with the presence of Gayle Sayers, er... Walter Payton, er... Cedric Benson and most experts seem convinced that a guy who was the #4 pick in the 2005 draft and makes enough money to buy 152 Old Country Buffet fanchises has to be on the field. Now, we all know that this is ridiculous logic. How many of you ran out and bought a fancy new cappuccino maker, used it for three days, and now have it collecting dust behind the salad shooter, curly fry maker and the egg wave in the cabinet, as you make a daily run to Starbucks? How many of you have wasted your hard earned dough on a fancy new Big Bertha titanium driver only to quickly discover that you can't hit the ball any further or any straighter than you can with your trusty ol' Sam Snead vintage wood? Thomas, you're the Sam Snead. Benson, on the other hand, is the Big Bertha, or even worse...the Curtis Enis.

* Dan,

I am an avid reader of the Random Thoughts, but must admit that I am getting a little upset. Almost every day it is the same old thing...Jessica Alba this and Jessica Alba that. I am much hotter. At least give me an occasional a mention or two.

Jessica Biel

-- Jessica,

You know...I think you may have a point. Now that I think about it, you really have not been given a fair shot to prove your hotness. In fact, I propose the first annual battle of the Jessicas. Swimsuit competition, evening gowns, lingerie, jello wrestling, twister. Fox would probably telecast it. Sarah Jessica Parker you can come too. Jessica Simpson? Hell yeah...

* Mr. Hot Stuff,

What about me?

Pvt J. Lynch

-- Sorry, you're five minutes of fame have officially expired. Please return to the Hardee's or the Shop n' Save or the coal mine or wherever the heck you worked before heading to the Middle East. I hear (you knew this one was coming...) the Old Country Buffet in Morgantown is hiring...

* Mr. Wagner

Howdy. I enjoyed my day at the Berto Center. Scott Skiles seems like a heck of a good coach and with Tyson Chandler the only real competition at the power forward/ center spot, I figure that I would be able to slide right into a starting spot with the Bulls should they decide to select me with the #2 pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Do you think I will be wearing red this winter?

LaMarcus

-- Mr. Aldridge,

If I was a betting man, I would put my money on you're becoming a Bull (assuming that LSU forward Tyrus Thomas goes #1). As you mentioned, the Bulls are desparate for a big man and you are hyped as a post player with decent offensive skills and an NBA-ready body. I personally am not sold on you as a future superstar, but John Paxson and the Bulls' scouting staff still do not ask my opinion. I have to admit that if I were asked, I would be tempted to show them a picture of Granville Waiters or a Brad Sellers highlight film (which happens to be about the same length as a Elizabeth Berkeley career retrospective, but with a lot less scoring).

That said, just as I warned Lance and Thomas that you have to throw the normal rules out the window when you are dealing with the Bears, the same word of caution applies to the Bulls. After all, Chicago teams are famous for pinching pennies wherever possible. Think of the money in stitching that the team could save by drafting either Brandon Roy or Rusy Gay. So, if you really want to play for the Bulls, I recommend changing your name to LaMarcus Kerr. Short, sweet and it will bring back a lot of good memories.

But to answer your specific question, the answer is no. Regardless of whether you get drafted by the Bulls or not, I expect the team to wear those super groovy blue and red Stags uniforms. Or perhaps the team can just go with an early 80's dreamsicle Houston Astros look. Now that would be cool.

* Dan,

We stink. Plain and simple. Sitting with a record of 1-8 and having not come within seven points of our opponent during our eight game losing streak, we are desperate for help. Is there anything you can suggest?

Dave Cowens

-- Coach Cowens

Okay, this is what you do. Catch the first flight you can to Las Vegas. Start at Mandalay Bay and work your way north up the strip, casino by casino, stopping at each and every craps table. When you spot a 6'8 black "man" covered in tattoos and body piercings and wearing a wedding dress and a giant Dr. Seuss hat, present said "man" with a contract. Trust me. Not only will he not be afraid to play the part of a woman, he will be more than happy to accept the job. In the last couple of months, said "man" has played professional basketball games in Finland (where he attempted 13 three-pointers) and England, played an exhibition game in the Philippines (where he blew off a welcome reception during which children were prepared to sing him a special song and embarrased himself by flaunting a traditional Philippine custom), appeared on Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K. (where he arrived at the house with no underwear and a box of "extra large" condoms and was the fifth person given the boot), ans was named the commissioner of the Lingerie Football League, previously mentioned in the Random Thoughts. Play for the Sky? I'm sure "he" will not mind.

While in Vegas, you may also wish to visit the Clark County Peneteniary. Ask for Grandmama.

* Mr. Randum Thoghts,

U were verry meen to me when I played fur the Cubbs. I do knot understan why u weer so meen. I neveer realy hadd a chance to sho my reel tailents. I am happie that I no longer half to puut up wiff yor critisizum. Scruw u.

J.H

-- S.H.H.

It's frickin' hot in Texas, ain't it?