Today's Post. T-O-D-A-Y-'-S P-O-S-T. Today's Post.

Last night, as I sat in my Sacramento hotel room thinking about the downfall of David Hasselholff (yes, I know that the former Lt. Mitch Buchannon is Dirk Nowitzki's favorite recording superstar and has received a lot of TNT airtime recently...but please try to remember that, last I checked, we don't live in Berlin and none of us speaks ursprache), I felt the room start to shake, ever so slightly. I quickly ran to the window to see whether a large truck was heading down the street or Ted Washington and Keith Traylor were on their way to an meeting of overweight former Chicago Bear defensive tackles. Failing to see either a vehicle of any kind or a defensive lineman of any name, I suddenly realized that I was dangerously close to the San Andreas Fault and immediately began to wonder whether I had, in fact, actually just survived my first-ever earthquake. So, did I? Well, I cannot be 100% certain, but I can tell you that a quick review of the Sacramento entertainment calendar made it quite clear that the Fat Boys were not in town for a reunion concert (and a good thing since founding member Darren "Buffy, the Human Beatbox" Robinson died of a heart attack at the age of 28, weighing, at the time, close to 450 pounds).

***Raise your hand if you watched Katharine Close win the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee, presented for the first time in history, not just on network television, but in sparkling high definition. Yes, you read that right, ABC could not or would not show last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 in HD, but was proud to show the world Prakash's pimples and Sun Moon's braces and little Alex's dimples in stunning high def. I don't know about you, but when I was 13 years old, I sure as heck did not want my face shown in such detail. No, my complexion was not so bad that I bore an unfortunate resemblence to Kenickie's arch nemesis Crater Face, but I still certainly did not want those blemishes that I did have presented for all the world to see.

And, despite her poor reputation, I didn't score with Cha Cha DiGregorio, either.

Anyway, congratulations to young Miss Close are certainly in order. That said, I can't help but wonder if one of the other contestants was offered a scholarship to the Seven Sister college of her choice to intentionally lose or whether, besides the $20,000 cash grand prize, Katharine also won a George Plimpton-endorsed hot plate.

I have to admit that I did not actually see the competition, but I did hear that she won the event with an abolutely perfectly executed Alohamora spell.

What? The Scripps Spelling Bee has nothing to do with wands and the kids actually have to stand in front of a crowd and say the letters that make up words that nobody will possibly use in everyday language? Disambiguation. D-I-S-A-M-B-I-G-U-A-T-I-O-N. Disambiguation.

***So Roger Clemens will officially return to the Houston Astros in late June after signing a prorated contract that will pay the Rocket $12.25 million this season. Appearing during Sportscenter on the Budweiser Hot Seat, Clemens referred to playing baseball as a "grind" and noted that he had to prepare his body for the "grind." Excuse me?

Well, thank you Roger for sacrificing so much to give baseball fans the opportunity to see your 43-year old ass toe the rubber at The Juice Box and in various ballparks around the National League. You only have to exert yourself once every five days, you don't have to travel with your teammates unless you are scheduled to pitch (preserving your ability to get yourself thrown out of plenty of your son's little league games), and you will make more money for four months of "work" than a school teacher can possibly make in ten lifetimes and you are talking about surviving the "grind." Sheesh, I'll cry you a river. You want a grind, Roger? I'll give you a grind. Charlie Bucket's dad worked every day of his adult life screwing the caps on toothpaste tubes and still could not make enough money for the family to eat anything other than cabbage for every meal. Ignorance. I-G-N-O-R-A-N-C-E. Ignorance.

By the way, for those of you who thought that poor Charlie's father had an unfortunate run-in with rival candy-maker Arthur Slugworth, leaving Mrs. Bucket a widow, turn off the television and read a book once in a while.

And one more thing, if the family was so poor that all four grandparents had to sleep in a single bed, what in the heck was Grandpa Joe doing spending money on tobacco? Selfish. S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Selfish.

***Aaargh, matey. Where's da loot? Believe it or not, I have actually heard Cubs fans express dismay over the return of Clemens because it hurts the Cubs' chances of catching the Astros. News flash...hear those thumping footsteps? Hear the squawking of a parrot? Get the feeling the a toothless scoundrel with a cutlass and a patch over his eye is coming up behind you? Believe it or not, that's the Pirates threatening to leap frog the Cubs and push them into last place. In fact, as of this writing, the Bucs are only one game back. The Pirates in front of the Cubs? Humiliation. H-U-M-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N. Humiliation.

***Washington Wizard superstar Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Miami recently on a charge of disobeying a police officer. After Arenas' Wizard teammate, Awvee Storey, was arrested for standing in the middle of the street blocking traffic, Arenas got out of his car and refused to get back in despite being ordered to do so by a South Beach police officer. According to the arresting officer, Arenas stated "You cannot arrest me. I'm a basketball player." Nice.

The problem is that Arenas probably believed it. After all, this is the same guy who played at Arizona and learned from the master of letting the inmates run the asylum, Lute Olson. So, it really is not that surprising that Gilbert would react in such a manner, just as it would not be surprising if a former Bob Knight player begged a cop not to choke him for his transgression. Regardless of how many chances Olson would give you, the rest of the world sees you for what you are. A criminal. C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L. Criminal.

***Tomorrow night, the Pistons and the Heat will play Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Dwyane Wade has been terrific to watch and is really cementing himself as one of the top players in the league. That said, the so-called NBA experts who have been claiming that Dywane Wade is a better player than Kobe and LeBron are going a little overboard, in my opinion. Dwayne Wade certainly is phenomenol. Further, Duane Wade is proving to be a money player in the clutch. And you can bet, that Shaq is a lot more comfortable playing with Dewayne Wade than with Kobe. But Dewyane Wade the player who should be the first choice to build a team around? Foolish. F-O-O-L-I-S-H. Foolish.

***Recently, I have spent a lot of time talking about Hank Aaron and famous events in sports history (i.e.: the man-eating tarp in St. Louis, Albert Belle -- who incidently is one of the four players in major league baseball to have eight straight seasons of 30+ home runs and 100+ RBI, along with Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx and Lou Gehrig -- and his various transgressions) and most of you know that I love to reference players from a bygone era. What can I say, I have a fond appreciation of sports history.

Unfortunately, it appears as though I am in the minority. In fact, it never ceases to amaze me how the "flavor of the day" rules the roost. Example...a few weeks ago when I was in Orlando, I walked through the NBA Cafe at Universal CityWalk. For sale in the gift shop, were autographed authentic Deewaune Wade and Magic Johnson jerseys. The price tags? Each could be yours for a mere $1,000.

Wait a minute...did I see that correctly? A Dewane Wade jersey costs the same amount as a Magic Johnson? That, my friends, is nuts. Are you also going to tell me that I can go to the Cubs Team Shop and get an Ernie Banks autographed jersey for the same price as a Ronny Cedeno? Is an Andres Nocioni jersey at Fandamonium now going to cost me a small fortune following his outstanding performance in this year's playoffs? Have we forgotten about Granville Waiters already?

But this is not unusual, by any stretch of the imagination. Those of you who have been singing the praises of Dee Brown seem to have conveniently forgotten about the glorious Bruce Douglas and Tony Wysinger years. Dirk Nowitzki scored 50 points tonight against the Suns and suddenly he is the best German of all-time (you try convincing that to the Detlef Schrempf fan club). In fact, I can remember an under appreciation of history all the way back to my youth and it allowed me to position myself as the king of the Thornton Lane baseball card kingdom. You see, thanks to Random Thoughts commenter Parrotmama, I grew up with a healthy understanding of the glory years of baseball and was all-too eager to pawn off my Strawberrys and my Goodens and my Mattinglys for your Marichals, Koufaxs, Clementes and Aarons. I just wish that it had been Hank and not Tommie that I traded my entire collection of Gary Carters for.

I mean, look at what has happened to the so-called next great players of the mid-1980's. Strawberry has spent about as much time in the clink as Martha Stewart. Gooden has been arrested for cocaine possession on numerous occasions and is presently spending his days trying to avoid run-ins with Bogs Diamond and the Sisters while stamping license plates (and recently said in an interview from prison that he would rather get shot than return to jail. Perhaps he should start hanging out with Dick Cheney). Mattingly was never quite able to live up to expectations and claim his place as one of the greatest Yankees of all-time.

The phenomenon extends to pop culture, as well. It seems as though movie studios do not seem to recognize that the classic movies that were made before 1995 should stand on their own. Why else would we be stuck with remakes of Superman, The Amityville Horror, the aforementioned Charlie (Willy Wonka) and the Chocolate Factory (thankfully the 2005 remake remained true to the original Roald Dahl novel and had Veruca Salt carried away by squirrels, rather than going down the chicken's "bad egg" shoot), and the Bad News Bears (by the way, I do not care what anyone says, Walter Matthau will always be Morris Buttermaker... not Billy Bob Thornton)? In my opinion, when a director wants to make a brand new movie about aliens who work at Denny's and date former strippers (a truly original idea) and the studios insist that they instead remake Garbage Pail Kids--The Movie, they really ought to stick to their guns and say no. Intransigence. I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-E-N-C-E. Intransigence.

***Whoops, I gotta go. I'm getting a call from Kelvin Sampson. Sanction. S-A-N-C-T-I-O-N. Sanction.

I'll be travelling most of the day tomorrow, so I do not expect to grace you with my Random Thoughts. Have a great weekend. I'll see you Monday.

***Did you notice? The word that Katharine Cross spelled correctly to win the 2006 Scripps Spelling Bee appears in this post, as does the word that Lisa Simpsons spelled incorrectly to lose the national Spellympics in the world of the four-fingered.

***Trivia for you Simpsons fans (who better have gotten all the references in today's post). What word did tri-finalist Sun Moon misspell in the Spellympics, eliminating her from the competition? What word did little scamp Alex spell correctly to win the title?