Mail Time!!!

Let’s see here… a bill for that A.J. Pierzynski punching bag that I ordered from www.baseballplayersIhate.com, an invitation to Rick Sutcliffe's kegger, an unmarked package from Jason Grimsley, a notice of lawsuit from the Irish-American Anti-Defamatory League (crap, maybe last Thursday’s post was not such a good idea after all). Hey, where’s all the good stuff?

Ahhhhh, here we go…

* Dear Dan,

I hear that you have been to Seattle. Any good restaurant recommendations, dude? And do you know where Shaun Alexander’s house is? Darren would like an autograph.

Dusty

-- Dear Dusty,

Sorry man, despite the fact that the majority of Cubs fans would like to see you pack your tea tree chewing sticks and hit the road, my gut tells me that you are staying right here in sweet home Chicago. Hendry has too much invested in you as the team’s manager and is not going to just let you skip off to Seattle to teach the Mariners how not to execute the fundamentals of the game. Ichiro, for one, is thrilled. The former Japanese superstar actually enjoys playing the game the right way. Third baseman Adrian Beltre, on the other hand, will be disappointed to hear the news. He saw your potential arrival in the Emerald City as the perfect opportunity to continue to make gazillions of dollars without producing a lick on the field, while being held completely unaccountable for his failures. Aramis called him and told him that its pretty sweet set-up.

Besides Hendry can't seem to find Don Baylor's phone number.

And I am sorry to say that, unfortunately, I do not know where Shaun’s house is. Either go to the aquatic mammals section of the Seattle Zoo and ask Mike Holmgren or visit the nearest hair restoration clinic and check with Matt Hasselbeck. Good luck.

See you in the cellar in 2007.

* Dan,

I just received an invitation to my neighbor’s son’s Bar Mitzvah. It’s in August in Glencoe. Will I be able to go?

Todd

-- Todd,

Unfortunately, unless your new employer happens to be scheduled to send you on a business trip to the Friendly Confines over the weekend of young Ethan Rubenstein’s big day, I’d send my regrets. Too bad, really. Bar Mitzvahs have really become key events on one's social calendar.

I remember back when I was thirteen, the day a Jewish boy turned into a man was marked by a small luncheon of brisket, a couple of risk-free dances to the music of Neil Diamond and, if you were lucky, the receipt of seventy-three $25 savings bonds and a Bible as a gift from the Catholic kid who really didn’t get it. Now a days, Mr. and Dr. Schwartzman are renting out Great America, hiring Third Eye Blind to rock the house, and all the girls are reportedly lining to up really make sure that the honored guest of the day becomes a man. Try and guess which one gets the special surprise.

Oh well, enjoy the playoffs.

By the way, I’d tell Juan to pack his bags, too. Some contending team is going to absolutely love their new pinch runner! And we on the North Side are going to love Felix Pee-Ay.

* Hey Cudjoekey,

Look, I’ve got a major problem here. I cannot seem to go more than two days without getting injured. I’m starting to honestly believe that I may be better off as a closer. What do you think of my chances of becoming the next Dennis Eckersley?

Kid K

-- Kid DL,

The next Eckersley, eh? First of all, start drinking. And then when you think that you have had enough, drink some more. Next, grow a groovy mustache. Think Tom Selleck. Only bushier.

All kidding aside, don’t let anyone dissuade you from your dreams. And dream big! If you think that your best chance to resurrect your career is as a closer, go for it! Don’t listen to all those naysayers who argue that your arm can never withstand pitching multiple days in a row. You’re still a Cub, aren’t you? They only find themselves in a save situation like once every eight days or so. Surely your arm can take that. It’s not like you are Mark Prior or something.

Just always remember my advice…follow your dreams. If Sarah wants you to stop dressing in that pretty flowered emsemble, tell her to take a hike.

* Mr. Wagner,

The current unbalanced schedule in baseball already receives a lot of criticism so I figure that making a few small changes won't hurt. Any chance I can talk Bud Selig into letting the Reds play the Cubs 162 times per year?

Adam Dunn

-- Adam,

It would seem to be a win-win situation, wouldn’t it? On one hand, the Cubs have actually played quite competitively versus Cincinnati this year and 162 games against the Red Legs could possibly allow them to stay in the race at least until August. Further, you would likely have the greatest season in major league history. I’ve noticed that in 12 games versus the Cubs this year, you have come to the plate 39 times, have scored 16 runs, have 13 hits (.333 avg), and seven home runs! In 174 at-bats versus the rest of the league, you have only 13 home runs and your combined average is only .230. Seeing Gopherball Glendon and a bunch of other guys who have less control than a 15-year old boy at a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit take the hill must be nice.

Yeah, but just wait until we get Mark Prior back.

By the way, Bronson Arroyo just called. He LOVES your idea.

* Dear Blackhawks Fan #53 (of 57):

I wanted to write to officially introduce myself. My name is Mark Hardy and I am delighted to be the newest member of Head Coach Trent Yawney’s coaching staff. I feel that my time in Chicago will be tremendously productive and I will be able to help Coach Yawney develop Tuomo Rutuu, Rene Bourque, Radim Vrbata and the rest of the young Blackhawk skaters into terrific players. I look forward to bringing a Stanley Cup to the owner Bill Wirtz, the entire Blackhawks organization and the city of Chicago. See you at the United Center in October!

Mark Hardy

-- What in the heck are you talking about?

* Dan,

Just wondering…do the White Sox miss me?

Big Hurt

Big Skirt,

Yes, I’m fairly confident that the pigeons that fly around U.S. Comiskular miss you terribly. Now that you have taken your nostrils to Oakland, they need to find a new place to spend the winter.

Now what do you honestly think, Frank? After all, your replacement leaps tall buildings in a single bound, rescues cats from trees for little girls, knits quilts and sweaters for the neighborhood elderly, and always remembers to block out the naughty pay-per-view channels when on road trips. Did I mention that he is hitting .784, has 68 home runs and 218 RBI and is a lock to win the MVP?

What do you mean he is actually only hitting .282? That he actually has less home runs than Alfonso Soriano and Ryan Howard? That the guy that the Sox gave up to acquire Jim is hitting .290 with a respectable 7 home runs? That the Sox new everyday centerfielder is hitting .a Paul Blanco-esque (or is it Henry Bako-esque?) .163? That you, yourself, have 16 home runs and 38 RBI (let’s conveniently forget about your .235 average…)? I think I had better get some aspirin for some of our South Side friends.

So, back to your question...do the White Sox miss you? Well, Kenny Williams certainly does not miss you hitting him up for money every week. Sox fans don't miss your incessant whining. And, lets be honest here, the Sox still have an excellent team that will contend the entire season. So, I guess the answer ultimately is no.

That said, last year at this time, the team did not have any holes in their lineup, whereas, today, you have to hope that your #8 hitter gets hit in his humongous ass to reach first base and you have to wonder whether your #9 hitter will be able to even hit his weight.

What do you say, we just let Sox fans continue to live in a fantasy world where Jim Thome is the undisputed league MVP, Tail-Chaser Anderson is going to break out of his slump any day now, decent middle relief won’t be necessary because the starters are magically going to pitch complete games again, and Ozzie Guillen is a soft spoken and polite role model. After all, a couple of pints of Guiness and anything seems possible.

* Dan,

Have you seen Shaq? We sure could use him.

Stan Van Gundy, er… Pat Riley

-- Traitor,

No.

Wait, I think I may have seen him at Kobe Bryant's Birthday party.

Retirw tsetaerg sdlrow,

Lleh eht tahw. eceiced t’nac yllaer I. Naem taht si? Hsarc elcycrotom suoires yrev a ni devlovni tsuj saw ohw yug a no gnikcip m’I wonk I.

Kcabretrauq

Big Ben,

Next time try listening to your coach, will ya? Heck, even Terry Bradshaw who makes Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar, warned you. Who's giving you advice these days? Billy Idol?

There is a lesson to be learned in all this... Always listen to those who are only trying to help you and give you good advice. Harry, Ron and Hermione warned Dumbledore not to trust Snape and now Hogwarts is without its Head Master (or so we are lead to believe… Hey, I gave you Memorial Day weekend to catch up. Don’t blame me if I just gave away the ending to Book 6). Peter and Bobby were expressly told not to play ball in the house and their ill-behavior cost Carol her favorite vase and lead to an awful lot of embarrassment at the dinner table. The Freelings were warned by the frickin’ house to get the heck out and when they decided to stick around anyway, poor little Carol Anne ended up stuck in the TV. You see, bad things can happen when you do not listen to those who are just trying to help you.

You had a wonderful chance to place you name in the same company as Elway, Aikman and Favre. Now it looks as though the only company that you might keep is Jay Williams, Kellen Winslow Jr. and Fonzi.

Ohhh…..the Victoria’s Secret catalog. I’ve gotta go…