Illini? How About the Illinois Lou-Doos?

I'm happy to see that the NCAA (you know, the National Con Artists Association) finally has its house in order. Never mind the high school basketball factories that churn out academically-suspect player after player, young men who go to class about as often as Bluto Blutarsky, but magically still manage to maintain their eligibility. Forget about the fact that the BCS is, at best, an unmitigated disaster of Dave Veres proportions and, at best, a not-so-transparent scheme designed solely to protect the financial interests of schools in the power six conferences (who's idea was this really? Kenneth Lay?). And please ignore that many "student-athletes" are given and accept scholarships despite the fact that, from the get go, they plan on attending college for roughly the same period of time as Daniel Simpson "D-Day" Day, that officiating in college sports makes the late Eric Gregg (moment of silence for big Eric............thank you very much) belong in the umpiring Hall-of-Fame, and that eligibility issues often seem as though they are settled with the use of a Ouija board and a Magic 8-Ball. The important thing is that the NCAA is tackling the really important issues. The "seminole" issue of our time -- the continued use of horribly "offensive" team mascots, logos and nicknames. Way to go Myles Brand!

You know, sarcasm can be an awfully tricky thing to convey in wrtiting. I think Stephen Hawking Hairston was tremendously underrated and the Cubs will certainly miss him when he edges out Ryan Wagner to become the A.L. batting champion. See? It's tough.

Anyway, I'm sure this will be much more powerful and effective once the Random Thoughts barnstorming speaker series gets underway. First stop...Sacramento! (Heaven knows they need some entertainment in that town).

The bottom line is that I have sat on the University of Illinois issue for entirely too long without sharing my thoughts on the NCAA's actions with the world. For those of you too busy trying to solve the White Sox bullpen woes by finding Rocky Biddle's phone number (hint, hint...I don't think they have phones in the Montana back woods), the NCAA denied the U of I's appeal of the Association's earlier ruling the Chief Illiniwek is a "hostile and abusive" mascot. Illinois, therefore, is prohibited from hosting any NCAA Championship events as long as Illiniwek continues to dance around the grass at the fake Memorial Stadium and the hardwood at the fake Assembly Hall.

(Okay, here comes the intended sarcasm again). I say good for the NCAA. It's about time that we, as a society, showed more sensitivity toward ethnic minorities and other groups. Chief Illiniwek and his silly little dance is precisely the type of thing that makes me think of Native Americans as nothing more than a bunch of laughable savages, praying for rain, hunting buffalo and dancing around in a headdress that would make Big Bird blush. That said, I pledge that the Random Thoughts will, from here on out, be a 100% politically correct safe haven. It will be a bastion free of all offensive titles, names and illusions. No longer will I mention Chef Boyardee, for fear that female chefs may be offended by the suggestion that all Italian chefs are rotund, eldrly old gents from Sicily. Further, all mentions of St. Pauli Girl Beer and the horrible, horrible picture on the beer bottle's label will be avoided at all costs. After all, Olga, is not the only 540-pound factory worker from the St. Pauli district in the German city of Hamburg who is not blonde, does not have mail-order boobs, and is as far from "fun-loving" as Bill Parcells after learning that T.O. was a Cowboy.

One man. One blog. One stand.

By the way, for those of you planning on taking a trip to the northern regions of Deutschland, prostitution is legal in Hamburg. Olga is waiting. Bring a razor.

Perhaps, the Illini should just consider giving in and changing their nickname. It is really not that uncommon. Universities who have recently taken the plunge include St. John's, Marquette and Miami (Ohio). The real fun involves reviewing old baseball nicknames, though. Did you know that the Atlanta Braves were once the Boston Bees, the Boston Doves and the Boston Beaneaters? The Cleveland Indians were once the Naps and the Bronchos? The Los Angeles Dodgers' long list of former identities includes the Brooklyn Robins, Brooklyn Superbas, Brooklyn Bridegrooms, Brooklyn Grooms, and the Brooklyn Grays? And the St. Louis Cardinals were once the St. Louis Perfectos? Of course, the Cubs were once the Orphans and before that, cover your eyes ChiSox fan's, ... the White Stockings.***

Other franchises that existed at one time or another include the: Brooklyn Tip-Tops, the Brooklyn Gladiators, the Brooklyn Ward's Wonders, the Cincinnati Kelly's Killers, the Cleveland Infants, the Newark Pepper, the St. Paul Apostles, the Wilmington Quick Steps, and the Worchester Ruby Legs. For the record, the Apostles went 2-6 in their only season in existence 1884, while the Ruby Legs must have had ancestors of Jae Kuk Ryu and Todd Wellemeyer pitching for them as they finished with a 2-16 record in 1884.

So, don't be afraid to change your mascot, Illinois. I hear the Ruby Legs is available. They have the same number of championships, don't they?

* Worthless knowledge? I think not. For those of you who vividly remember that former Cub Bill Mueller won the AL batting title in 2003, I encourage you to head on down to ESPN Zone on June 19, when ESPN will be holding a casting call for Stump the Schwaub (3-9 pm). When you kick that swarmy guy's butt after remebering that the Braves were once the Bees, you'll think of the Random Thoughts fondly.

* Okay, now that I have ruffled the feathers of the Dee Brown Fan Club and the rest of his Illini brethren with my last comment (it's like thinking back on the trade of Elton Brand...a cruel, cruel joke), let's talk about something that most of us can agree on (I presume that Ozzie Guillen is not reading this). What joy in the fact that the Small Baby Bears (better not call them by their real name...I do not want to offend the Cub Scouts or Cub foods by equating them with a team that made most of us want to wretch throughout the entire month of May) are beginning to play good baseball. Winners of five out of seven, the North Siders are playing solid baseball and getting contributions from almost everyone on the roster. A couple of observations...

- Einstein Jones may continue to have all the brains of a turnip, but has he ever turned around his season at the plate. His average is up to .310 and he is tied for the team lead with 32 RBI. Further, Jones finally figured out that if you hit the ball just over the wall, you do not have to be worried about being picked off of second base. His 11 home runs leads the team and he has 15 hits in his last 33 at bats with 4 HR, 12 RBI and 9 runs scored. I have not seen a turnaround like this on the ballfield since Ricky Vaughn finally got glasses.

- Last Friday night's win over the State Birds of Illinois (I certainly do not want to offend Edgerrin James, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Rick Pitino or any Catholic religious authority) certainly was not an artistic masterpiece, but it was the type of game that winning baseball teams find a way to pull out. Sixteen hits, including three apiece by Pierre, Barrett, Jones and Cedeno were nice, the fact that the Cubs did not commit a single error in 14 innings was fantastic, and the work of Aardsma, Eyre and Dempster out of the bullpen was terrific. Most notable, however...Little Baby Bear pitchers only gave up three walks in 14 innings and two of those were intentional. Sure, the State Birds of Illinois rapped out 19 total hits, but the damage was minimal thanks to the lack of walks. Lesson learned? Let's hope.

- The Little Baby Bears cannot seem to get world-beaters Ryan Freel, Chad Tracy or Khalil Greene out, but boy have they had Albert Pujols' number this year. Before leaving Saturday's game with an injury, Pujols was a combined 5-29 (.172) with only one home run and 8 RBI against Cubs pitching. By contrast, Pujols has 24 HR and 57 RBI in 156 at-bats (ratios of 1 HR/6.5 AB and 1 RBI / 2.7 AB) against the rest of the league. Further, seven of his 20 strikeouts on the season came against Chicago pitching.

- It's a great time to play the Jetsons' Dogs. They stink. Losers of 11 of their last 13 games, things are so bad they may want to consider replacing Phil Garner with Jimy Williams. Now, that would be poetic justice...

- I'm not particularily depressed that I will not be seeing Scott Williamson and his 14 walks in 21 innings strolling in from the bullpen in the near future. That said, I hate to see anyone get injured especially a guy like Williamson who has been through so much. To have to be placed on the 15-day DL with elbow tendinitis is hard enough, but to suffer such an injury while also suffering from wildpitchitis and fakeinjurondia has got to be especially difficult.

I suppose we should just be thankful that he has not come down with a case of Jebiditis or ChesterAArthritis.

* The Lower Leg Coverings that Have Been Bleached (I'm not sure who I'd be offending here, but I'm not taking any chances) begin a big series against the Orange and Black Striped Jungle Cats (the estate of the dog from the Brady Bunch has asked that his memory be in no way associated with human weight loss phenomenon Pudge Rodriguez or with the chain-smoking cancer advertisement Jim Leyland) tonight at U.S. Comiskular. Yes, I know, the Jungle Cats lead the Lower Leg Coverings by 2 1/2 games in the division, but muy gut tells me that this series is much bigger for Detroit than for Chicago. Despite their bullpen woes (doesn't Scott Radinsky have anything left in the tank?) the South Siders are good enough to be assured of contending the entire season, while the jury is still out on Leyland's crew. To be safe, however, Cliff Politte may want to come down with a case of Scottwilliamsonitis (formally known in the mid 90's as Jamesedwardsitis and Joekleinondria).

* Corey-o-Meter: Start the Kid Corey MLB All-Star campaign! The (now) everyday centerfielder of the Black and Orange Birds That Start With the Letter O, is hitting .287 with 7 HR, 21 RBI, 34 runs scored and a, get this, major league leading 26 stolen bases, including base swipes in 9 consecutive games (the longest streak in the majors since 1986). I'm not sure if it is the crab cakes, peaceful trips to the aquarium at the Inner Harbor, or the ghost of Steroid Sammy, but Corey is looking like a different player in Baltimore. Maybe Ray Lewis threatened to take him to the Gold Club in Atlanta if he didn't improve.

* Finally, the Los Angeles/ Anaheim/ Orange County/ Disneyland Winged Occupants Of Heaven have a game against Tampa Bay in front of at least 267 hearty sould at Tropicana Field. Anyone check the calendar? I'd put my money on any team with the word "Devil" in their team name.

See you all tomorrow.

***Today's trivia: Which current major league baseball team was once the (1) St. Louis Browns; which were once the Washington Senators (two teams are correct for this one); and (3) who was once known as the Seattle Pilots?