Aren't the Pansies Beautiful?

More than satisfied with the White Sox recent offensive outburst and delighted that the team pulled to within a single game of the AL Central leading Detroit Tigers, Ozzie Guillen spent the better part of Thursday afternoon reading to sick kids in the hospital. He then stopped by the retirement home to cheer up the elderly with his juggling routines and a few silly card tricks before heading home to plant some lovely daisies in the garden. “Oh no!” he exclaimed upon seeing a touch of chipped paint on the white picket fence that surrounds the duck pond. Less than five minutes later the fence was good as new! Before heading to the ballpark for the game, he took just a minute to look back upon his day and he smiled. The little engine that could made it up the hill yet again, the old folks giggled and clapped at the ol’ hidden seven of spades trick, and the brand new daisies looked absolutely perfect next to the roses and the pansies.

Oh, how he loves those pansies.

What? Were you expecting more Random Thoughts criticism of the Sox skipper? I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not find out what colorful descriptions he might have for a middle-aged, Jewish, die-hard Cubs fan. I fear that it just might rhyme with blimey.

Ozzie wants to assure us that he is, in fact, not a homophobe. In fact, in his “apology,” he stated that he has "no problem with those people.” Nice choice of words, huh? Really think about it. If Tony LaRussa or any other Caucasian manager referred to Hispanic ballplayers as “those people,” Jesse Jackson would immediately demand that he be fired without even allowing him an opportunity to make up some lame ass excuse about how everyone is misinterpreting what he has said. Yet, we have been so chilled by Ozzie’s use of that one particular word that other questionable statements are slipping right past us. And it happens all the time with Ozzie. How many of you realize that, after the Jason Grimsley fiasco broke, not only did Ozzie remark that Grimsley is a criminal (a statement that was well reported), but he also publicly commented that Grimsley "should be shot” (a statement that was not so well reported). Better be careful, Ozzie, Chavez may not realize that you are kidding. Look, if I find poor Jason in a Scottsdale dumpster, I’m calling the team from CSI: The Valley of the Sun (what do you mean there is no CSI: The Valley of the Sun? I thought CBS’ entire lineup now consisted of 60 Minutes, Survivor and 86 differnet CSI spin-off shows).

Most disgusting is the fact that Ozzie’s statement that Grimsley ought to be shot was not made concerning the former Diamondbacks’ pitcher’s use and distribution of HGH. Oh no, Ozzie was angered that Grimsley had violated the code of the locker room and sold out those whom he named in the affidavit (the "Code of the Locker Room" being only slightly less sacred that the "Code of the Schoolyard," which mandates that if Nelson Muntz bullies you, takes your lunch money and sends you rolling home stuffed in a garbage can, your only response is to visit Herman the military antiques store owner and wage a water balloon war against Nelson and his cronies). Hey, I know Ozzie is all tough and everything and is not afraid of anyone or anything (“I shall fight you to the death Mothra!”), but I’d be willing to bet that if Jack Bauer showed up at your door with a case of HGH that had your name on it, you’d sing too.

Or maybe he would just order a poor rookie pitcher to throw a baseball at him.

But, let’s not forget that Ozzie has indisputable proof that he is not a homophobe. After all, he likes the Indigo Girls as much as the next guy, once watched at least 12 minutes of an episode of Queer as Folk, and his wife’s best friend is gay (okay, so I made up the first two… the third, however, is pure Ozzie). Wait a minute, his wife’s best friend is gay? His wife’s? Best friend? Gay?

What in the heck were we talking about again?

All kidding aside, and I really hate to beat a dead horse here but just cannot seem to put my whip aside, at this point, we can only hope that the MLB-mandated sensitivity training will finally open Ozzie’s eyes. I have no idea whether his insistence on being major league baseball’s outspoken answer to Tanner Boyle (who once infamously referred to his talent challenged teammates as a “bunch of jews, spicks, niggers, pansies and a booger-eating moron.” – Who knew that Tri-Lam Dudley Dawson was on the Bears?) is predisposed or whether he actually only knows 30 words in the English language (six curse words, 21 derogatory racial slurs, Cubs, retaliation, and enemy***) and simply cannot help himself. Either way, I am no longer interested in the excuse the Ozzie is just being Ozzie. In my mind, Ozzie is just being an asshole. It is really that simple.

* In the opening line of this post, I mentioned that his White Sox have enjoyed an offensive outburst recently. Unfortunately, “outburst” may not be quite the right word. In fact, I have not seen this much offensive activity since Prince Harry and his buddies decided that it would be a good idea to remind everyone that approximately 6 million jews were killed by Hitler and his Nazi regime by wearing a swastika and a Wehrmacht emblem to a costume party. Do you realize that prior to Thursday night’s 1-0 win over the Cardinals, the Sox had scored 69 runs in their last six games? To put this in perspective, in a four-and-one-half week stretch from late April until the end of May, the Cubs only managed 66 runs in 27 games. And that was with all-world slugger and trophy off-season free agent acquisition John Mabry and his Ted Williams-esque swing. Let those stats really sink in for a minute............ Sixty-nine runs in six games? What is this 16-inch softball at the park? How many beers did they have to chug after reaching second base?

* Yesterday, I mentioned that a majority of teams in major league baseball were either red hot like Rockford Peach shortstop Ellen Sue Gotlander or decidedly not ala Marla Hooch. As long as I am paying proper tribute to the All American Girl’s Professional Baseball League, let me take it one step further. I am sorry to report that in yesterday's post, I forgot to mention both the Mae Mordabito of MLB, the Baltimore Orioles, who with a 5.23 ERA are letting everyone score without even having to buy dinner first, and the Doris Murphy of the major leagues, who happens to be none other than our beloved Cubs. Why equate the Cubs with Doris Murphy, you ask? Because just like Rosie O’Donnell who played Ms. Murphy in the 1992 Penny Marshall film, for the majority of the season, they have been both incredibly unattractive and horrendously annoying to watch.

Darling little Stillwell? Why, Darren Baker, of course!

And would somebody please introduce Sean Tracey, who shall forever more be known as the human faucet, to Jimmy Dugan.

* Last night, the Marlins defeated the Orioles 8-5, with the game-winning run having scored on a Miguel Cabrera single. A single that was achieved despite the fact that Baltimore reliever Todd Williams was intentionally walking Cabrera at the time. Apparently, the pitch was not quite far enough off the plate, prompting Cabrera to whack it into center field, driving home the eventual game-winning run. Nice to see that Kelly Leak’s spirit lives on. I wonder if Cabrera drives a Harley, smokes Marlboros and hits on older women (why not just head to Mae's house and save yourself any real effort?)

* I recognize that the Diesel was probably knee-deep in Cristal following Miami’s championship-sealing victory in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, but one still has to raise an eyebrow at a few of his comments after the game. First, Shaq noted that Heat coach Pat Riley is “the best coach that I have ever played for.” Hmmm… I guess Shaq favors Armani suits, hair gel direct from Paris, and stabbing your friend in the back by taking over the reigns of a team that said friend had coached to within a game of the NBA Finals a year earlier over Native American peace pipes, mystical revitalizing gel straight from a Zen garden in the Orient, and stabbing your wife in the back by running off with the owner’s daughter. And what about Kurt Rambis? Where is the love for the big man with the Buddy Holly specs?

And then there is Shaq’s comment about Dwyanye Wade as the “greatest basketball player in history.” Look, I admit that I have been rather harsh in my comments regarding Wade, refusing to jump on the "best player in the NBA" bandwagon. And now, after watching his performance in the Finals, I have to admit that, despite those two crucial missed free throws that kept the door open for Dallas in Game 6, he is a terrific player who has positioned himself as one of the top players in the league. He also seems to be a mature, level-headed individual who will represent his team and the league well in the future. But…

The greatest player in NBA history? Um, excuse me, Mr. O’Neal, but you seem to be forgetting about a certain player who helped lead the Chicago Bulls to championships in the 90’s. A player who was born in New York. A player who also won an NCAA championship (but, despite his greatness, was still not the Most Outstanding Player in the Final Four). A player who was selected #3 in the NBA draft, behind an overrated 7’0 center whose NBA career was severely hampered by a series of knee and leg injuries. A player who along with being an able shooter (with a career FG percentage hovering around 50%), was also able to go to the rim, and was named to the NBA’s All-Defense team on more than one occasion. Hello, Shaquille? Ever heard of a guy named Rodney McCray?

* Finally, it is a dang good thing that Tail Chaser Anderson caught semi-fire in his last seven games before the start of his five-game suspension. During that time, Anderson went 8-27 to raise his batting average from an embarrassing .152 to an almost equally embarrassing .178. Now, anyone who has played baseball on a semi-professional level will tell you that there is nothing more embarrassing than failing to hit your own weight (poor Cecil Fielder never had a chance, while Augie Ojeda only had to top out at a measley .115 or so). With his recent “hot” streak (and I use that term very loosely; 8-27 would be an Artic cold spell for a real hitter), Anderson is now only 37 points below his weight. Keep up such hot hitting and he will make it to his goal in no time. Go for the gusto Brian! First the Mendoza Line and then the Holy Grail… .215. Nah, screw that. I’ve watched you try and hit. If I were you, I’d go the easy route and up the dose of Stacker 2. Either that or reschedule that planned meeting with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. You’ll be down to 170 lbs or so in no time!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

***Today’s Ozzie trivia: In an expletive-laced tirade (is there any other kind with the Sox manager?), Ozzie once referred to a former White Sox player as the “enemy.” Who was that former player?