The Weekend From Hell

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I am obliged to admit that bunting with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning and the tying runs on base is normally about as smart as basedealing in a room of New York State troopers, but let's not be too hard on poor Thing Two. Those of you who have spent the last 20 hours ranting and raving about Neifi's "interesting" strategic decision to bunt really have to take a closer look at the big picture. With the Cubs about as likely to get a clutch hit with runners in scoring position as Reuben Studdard is in actually becoming a recording star (they are hitting a paltry .140 with RISP over the last couple of weeks), pehaps bunting was not such a bad idea. The Cubs needed two runs to tie the game and desperately had to figure out a way to get both runners home. Consider, if you will, the alternatives. What is most likely to happen?

a. Neifi gets an extra-base hit scoring both runs (the Cubs finished the game with 12 hits, but only one was for extra bases).

b. Thing Two comes through with a base hit scoring the runner from third and on-deck hitter John Mabry also comes through with a hit to score Einstein Jones with the tying run. Of course, you have to assume that Jones does not get picked off base for this scenario to work; or

c. Neifi bunts the ball and Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero throws the ball wildly past the first baseman allowing Todd Walker to score from third. Running to retrieve the ball, right fielder Marlon (did you know that there are only two "Marlons in the history of baseball and both are currently on the active roster of the Expo Nationals?) Anderson trips on a ball thrown from the right-field bleachers by some drunk 16-year old and then, thinking the play is over, throws the beer soaked ball into the dugout allowing the tying run to score.

So, what is the more likely scenario? Perhaps bunting wasn't such a bad idea, after all, huh?

In fact, the way the Cubs are going, collecting a clutch extra base hit or consecutive hits is less likely than Neifi hitting a gound ball back to the mound at the precise moment that Morganna the Kissing Bandit runs onto the field to plant a smooch on Expo National pitcher Chad Cordero. Upon seeing how grotesqusly ugly poor Cordero is (that guy is so ugly he makes Sam Casell look acceptable...and Cassell looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down), Morganna then runs to tackle first baseman Nick Johnson, causing the Cordero's throw to sail into right field where it is gathered by a crow who carries it to his nest in Des Plaines.

That, my friends, is the current state of the Cubs.

And now we head into the worst weekend of the year...The Crosstown Classic... Cubs vs. Sox. South Side versus North Side. Beverly versus Winnetka. A gleaming new Lexus versus a rusted Ford pickup in the front yard on blocks. I hate this weekend.

First of all, I hate most of the memories that rush back to flood my head. Mike Caruso. Carlos Lee's grand slam. Jose Valentin's walk-off home run off El Pulpo, Antonio Alfonseca. Kid Corey's drop of Paul Konerko's line drive last year on a sunny Saturday at Wrigley. Oh sure, I can fondly remember Rick Gutierrez's grand slam and the game where Magglio Ordonez's gapper got stuck in the ivy costing the Sox a run, but for every memory of a two-out, game tying home run by Steroid Sammy off then Sox closer Keith Foulke (the Cubs went on to lose the game in 14 innings, anyway, on a base hit by Ray Durham) there is the memory of Mark Grace getting picked off first base by Sean Lowe after Lowe "faked to third, and threw to first." (Nice foreshadowing yesterday, eh?)

Second, I hate the tension and stress of the next three days. For one thing, I don't hate the Sox. In fact most Cubs fans I know are rather apathetic about the pale hose, while most Sox fans live by Grinder Ball Rule #14: A Sox victory is great, but a Cubs loss is the key to happiness. Further, I actually have quite a number of friends who are Sox fans and who don't own a pick-up truck or attack first base coaches and did not get all-excited on World Series Championship replica ring day because they finally had something to give their girlfriends.

Look, Random Thoughts commenter "the wife" is a Sox fan, as is her entire family. RT reader Joe (McCarty) is a Sox fan. I certainly wish no-ill will on such terrific people. Frankly, I just wish that the Cubs were playing the Joliet Jackhammers this weekend (games they may actually be able to win) and the Sox were playing the Detroit Tigers so we can see how good Jim Leyland's team truly is and how much sweating Ozzie and the guys are going to have to do as the summer moves along.

So, what do I expect to happen this weekend? Well, let's start with a basic premise that should be quite disconcerting to Cubs' fans...the game in being played at U.S. Comiskular with the D.H.. Oh brother! The Cubs have enough problems finding eight guys who can at least act like competent hitters and now they have to add a ninth? The Sox have Jim Thome. The Cubs have Neifi the Bunter. Any chance Glenallen Hill can come out of retirement for the weekend?

That said, here are my predictions for this weekend's three games:

Friday: Mark Buehrle versus Greg Maddux: 3:05 pm

Dusty tells every hitter to swing at the first pitch no matter where is it. With quick worker Buehrle on the mound and the Cubs hitting pop-up after pop-up, Maddux manages to make it to his 4:15 tee time at Indian Lakes. Oh yeah, it helps that he is out of the game by the 4th inning after Tail Chaser Anderson hits his second home run of the game (two years ago, Timo Perez got his career highlight by hitting a home run off Mad Dog, today Tail Chaser gets his chance). The Cubs manage only three hits. Pinch Hitter Thing One hits a pop-up that Jermaine Dye loses in the sun and Neifi bunts for singles twice. Aramis does not play due to a slight knee strain. Final: Sox 8, Cubs 0

Saturday: Freddy Garcia versus Rich Hill: 1:20 pm

Ball one. Ball two. Ball three. Ball four. Ball five. Ball ten. Ball twenty-seven. Hill gives up nine runs on 12 walks in the first two innings. Thome hits two home runs and Scotty Pods steals six bases. The Cubs manage a single run when Sox shortstop Juan Uribe throws a Garcia sweat-soaked ball into the dugout after thinking the play was over (I'd like to officially announce that the Ronny Cedeno wet ball joke has officially jumped the shark and is being put to rest). Neifi goes 0-4 on four unsucessful bunt attempts. Aramis does not play due to slight back strain. Final: Sox 14, Cubs 1

Sunday: Jose Contreras versus Carlos Zambrano: 2:05 pm

Both pitchers put up zero after zero. The game is scoreless in the top of the 16th inning, when the Cubs score twice on a pinch hit double by Kerry Wood, who breaks both legs sliding into second base. The Cubs announce he will be back sometime in 2009. Carlos Zambrano's pitch count reaches 376 in the bottom of the 16th and Pablo Ozuna hits a walk-off grand slam to give the Sox the win. Neifi goes 0-7 with seven strikouts on third-strike foul bunt attempts. Aramis does not play because of a slight groin strain. Final: Sox 4, Cubs 2.

When does Training Camp start for the Bears, again?

Please post your predictions for the Cubs-Sox games below...

* Quick word about interleague play. I always find it interesting that fans of certain leagues cheer so hard for their league to do well and pay such close attention to their league's interleague play record. News flash. If you are a Cubs fan and you actually believe that the team can turn the season around and make a run for the playoffs (1) please stop drinking the Cubbie blue kool aid and immediately proceed to the psychiatrist section of the Yellow Pages and (2) you really ought to be cheering your butt off for the other league to beat the crap out of the Astros, Reds, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, etc. I would not worry about the Pirates, though.

* Fortunately, considering the doom and gloom I have predicted for the Cubs this weekend, baseball is not the only sport that is going on. The NBA playoffs continue along and three of the four series are quite compelling and are extremely competitive. Perhaps the best series of the bunch has been the Mavericks-Spurs series which heads to Dallas for Game 6 tonight with the Mavericks leading 3-2. Unfortunately for Mark Cuban's team, however, key contributor Jason Terry has been suspended for tonight's game for "punching" Michael Finley in the family jewels. I am not hear to argue for or against Terry's suspension, but I will say that the act was not as bad as it sounds. Terry was really just trying to push Finley off of him but made the mistake of doing it with a clenched fist.

That said, Donny Nelson, the Mavericks General Manager of Vice President of Basketball Operations sounded a little foolish on Mike & Mike this morning when asked his opinion of the act and suspension. To Nelson's credit, he agreed the the suspension had to be levied (the NBA has instituted a strict rule under which anyone who punches another player is automatically suspended), but his reasoning for Terry's reaction was a little curious. Nelson asked "Where does it say that a guy on the floor gives up all his rights to protection?" Excuse me? It's not like Finley was fighting Terry. He didn't have a gun. He wasn't brandishing a knife. Exactly what "protection" did Terry need? The comment seemed a little strange to me.

* Finally, kudos (no, not the granola bar) to Random Thoughts commenter "allhailthechief" for living up to yesterday's trivia challenge. Heck, I have not seen someone live up to a challenge quick as effectively since Daniel LaRusso defeated Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence in at the big tournament** Way to go Jeff!

**Today's pop-culture trivia: Who played Johnny Lawrence's ex-girlfriend and Daniel LaRusso's new squeeze in the movie?