The Walk of Life

A letter:


"Dear Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]:

Okay, I'll admit that I have not played competitive baseball since Eric Maloney took me deep when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I still ask that you consider me for one of the Cubs' five starting pitching slots or for a spot in the team's bullpen. I am positive that I can (and will) throw the ball over the plate on a consistent basis. Sure, I'll give up home runs (heck, some guy may even win a free steak for hitting the bull) and, sure, I'll likely get torched for unlimited runs, but at least Cubs' fans will not have to watch another guy drop his bat and trot down to first with a walk.

Will sign for league minimum, an autographed photo of Mickey Morandini, and unlimited frosty malts.

Sincerely,

Dan Wagner
"cudjoekey"


Look, I hate walks. I despise them. Frankly, it's come to the point where I would rather watch another very special episode of "Reba" than watch another Cub pitcher give yet another free pass to a guy who is barely hitting his weight on the season (Hey, Novoa, it's frickin' Adrian Gonzalez. It ain't Mickey Mantle).

This should come as absolutely no surprise to any of you. After all, it is certainly not the first time that I have mentioned my disdain for the base-on-balls in the Random Thoughts (with the Cubs, walks really should be referred to as bases-on-balls, since, with this team, you can bet your last buffalo nickel that he who receives the free pass will eventually circle the bases and score). Walks are ultimately right up there on my "favorite things list" with brussel sprouts, Michael Bolton records and shoving razor blades in my ears.

Yet, for whatever reason, the Cubs cannot seem to find more than a couple of pitchers who can find the plate on a consistent basis. Jerome Williams and David "AA"rdsma have aleady been exiled to the minors, but Gopherball Glendon, Big Z, Novoa, Scott Williamson, and Angel Guzman all largely have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. Heck, even Scott Eyre, who has arguably been the Cubs best pitcher this year (statistically speaking: 1.65 ERA, 17 K) has walked an (in my mind) unacceptable 10 hitters in 16 innings.

I just don't understand it. Why do Cubs' pitchers have so much dang trouble throwing strikes? And perhaps the most underrated aspect of the game is the art of getting ahead in the count. Generally speaking, once a pitcher gets behind 2-0 or 3-1 in the count, he is going to get hit hard. Very hard. Even the great and all-powerful Khalil Greene will be mistaken for Willie Mays when he is swinging at an unlimited supply of 3-1 meatballs. Heck, even Thing One may actually make a little contact when ahead in the count (but, naturally, pop up to the second baseman).

So who is to blame? Dusty? The pitchers themselves? Pitching coach Larry Rothschild? Some stupid curse? I don't truly know the answer, but I do know that there are an awful lot of ex-Cubs having an awful lot of success in their new homes this year. I've gone through the names before...Cruz, Koronka, The Farns, Gordon. Heck, even Todd Wellemeyer suddenly has his ERA down to 3.21!

In the past, I was never one to give much credit to a pitching coach (or place much blame on one), but the facts are the facts. For the last couple of years, the Cubs' staff has issued walks and gotten behind hitters at an alarming pace. Injuries to the staff have been plentiful and debilitating. Meanwhile, one only has to look to the South Side to find a true success story. Think Jon Garland just woke up one day and suddenly understood how to pitch? How about Javier Vazquez's present-year resurrection? And how about Jose Contreras? For those of you who are not familiar with the history around Jose's arrival in America. After wowing scouts while pitching for the Cuban national team, Jose was the subject of a bitter bidding war between the Red Sox and Yankees. After failing miserably in New York, he was dealt to Chicago where he has been largely unhittable over the last couple of months of play. Think Cooper had nothing to do with it? I suggest that you think again.

At this point, Cooper may even be able to resurrect Hideki Irabu's career... ***

And, as long as we are criticizing the pitching coach, how about a little love for the hitting coach as well? Ahh yes, good old Gene Clines. I remember getting his baseball card in 1978. I'd open a pack, crack a couple of teeth on the stick of gum, curse the fact that I can't read Johnny Bench's stats because of the stupid mark that the gum left on the back of the card, and separate my cards in piles according to how good the player was. I had my stack of superstars that included Billy Buck, Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and George Foster. I had my stack of mediocre players that included Bake McBride, Davey Lopes and Chet Lemon. And I had my stack of who-gives-a-crap players that included Stephen Hawking Hairston Sr, Rennie Stennent and, yes, Gene frickin' Clines!

Clines is a lifetime .277 hitter with 5, count em' 5, career home runs. Yes, I know Charley Lau was one of the most famous hitting coaches of all time despite a shocking lack of success at the plate, but I still don't want a lifetime .277 hitter instructing the hitters on my favorite ballclub. Why not have Bob Dylan give Charlotte Church singing lessons? Why not have Henry Burris tutor Rex the Wonder Dog? How about asking Peter Brady to give a seminar on fixing bikes in a timely manner?

As you can see, all the optimism that pervaded my body last Friday is now, alas, gone.

In fact, instead of wasting my time watching last night's crapfest, I decided to actually be productive and accomplish something around the house. So, I finally put into storage a number of things that I will certainly not need anytime soon, but that I have been too lazy to put away. I finally put the holiday decorations in the basement. I stored my "Vote Andre Dawson/ Ryne Sandberg in '88" sign in the garage. I put my "Choose Life" and "Frankie Says" t-shirts in the trash. And finally, I resigned myself to the truth and put the "W" flag in the attic.

Don't cry for me. It's okay. After all, its Chicago Sky season!!! They got next.

By the way, who was it again who commented about Greg Maddux's misleading run of success? "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I am so smart."

Interesting news...

* Padres' broadcaster Jerry Coleman was interviewed by Jonathan Hood last night on AM 1000 and discussed Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. A truly great interview subject, Coleman asked why nobody has questioned Barry Bonds at length about his use of the "Clear" and the "Cream." Coleman stated that everyone involved in baseball knows that ballplayers always have the trainer rub them down and went on to say that "if a ballplayer is rubbing himself, he's going to need a good magazine and he certainly is not going to want anyone to know about it." I almost drove off the road.

* Increasingly known for their publicity stunts (including signing former major leaguer Oil Can Boyd to a contract), the independent minor league team the Brockton Rox have issued a unique challenge to the Kansas City Royals. The Rox have "challenged" the Royals (they won't use the word bet due to its implications and because they do not want to get Charles Barkley overly excited) claiming that they will finish the season with more victories than the major league franchise. Brockton has put up $500 in the challenge and asks that the money-strapped Royals put up $5,000 (with all proceeds going to the construction of a special ballpark designed to accomodate mentally and physically challenged children -- no, not Todd Hundley). Here's the rub...the Rox only play 92 games while the Royals play a full 162-game schedule.

Interesting notes about the Rox: Bill Murray is a part-owner and their mascot is a kangaroo. They have retired two numbers although neither man for whom the number is retired played for the Rox or for any baseball team for that matter. Rather, the team has retired #49 and #62 because the two numbers represent the number of fights won by local boxing celebrities Rocky Marciano and Marvin Hagler. Oh yeah, and Saul Bustos bobble-head doll night is August 19. Get your tickets now.

* In local minor league baseball news, Nigel Thatch, better known as Leon the egomaniac of Budweiser fame, has been traded by the Schaumburg Flyers. After struggling as a starting pitcher, Leon was traded to the Fullerton (CA) Flyers of the Golden League. And what did Schaumburg receive in return? Well, reportedly the Cubs offered Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr., the Orioles offered Kid Corey, and the Padres offered both Mark Bellhorn and Shawn Estes, but the Flyers took the deal than gave them the most value...60 cases of Budweiser in return for the rights to Leon.

Look for the Brockton Rox to offer a Saul Bustos bobble-head in the coming weeks.

* Who really got the better of the Thome for Rowand deal? With the numbers that Thome is putting up, it's hard to argue against Kenny Williams and the White Sox, but has anyone noticed that Rowand is hitting .311, leads the major leagues in multi-hit games, has played phenomenal defense, and has been a catalyst for the Phillies' offense? This is one of those trades that truly benefitted both teams. Philadelphia needed to move the 36-year old first baseman Thome to get young superstar Ryan Howard into the lineup. Just like the Scott Pods - El Caballo trade of a year ago, both teams are smiling. How's that Farnsworth trade working out again, Jim?

* Yesterday, I found out that a bill that I had been lobbying against passed the New York legislature and will be adopted. Disappointed in my failure, I took off my tie, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped it to the floor, and walked slowly to my car.

Huh?

What is with all the NBA players who feel the need to remove their jerseys in the face of a loss? Washington Wizard nee Bullet guard Gilbert Arenas does it after every game and is the most obvious example, but watch enough NBA hoops and you will quickly see that it is quite a common occurrence. I understand that it is a tradition in soccer to celebrate a goal with a shirt removal ceremony (mmmmm...Brandi Chastain) and I know that Dennis Rodman was famous for removing his shirt and tossing it into the crowd, but I still do not get it. Nobody wants to see your new Thug Life tattoo DeQuarius.

Maybe we can start a new workplace trend. Quick, someone tell Erin Andrews that her baseball siedline reporting stinks.

* Finally, I imagine that many of you took note of the fact that I addressed my letter to "Jim Hendry and [insert manager's name here]. Look, I do not really think that Dusty is on the verge of getting the ol' heave ho, but there certainly is quite a lot of buzz in the media. Given that I suppose that the hammer could drop with a few more losses, it is time to start looking at who may be the next manager of the Chicago National League Ballclub. I have started a list of possibilities below (and please post a comment suggesting your choice for the next Cubs' manager)...

- Lou Pinella: Originally suggested by Random Thoughts commenter Bearister, I love this idea. Pinella would be sure to scare the crap out of these guys. Might as well, bring in Rob Dibble as the pitching coach. Now that would be fun.

- Bobby Valentine: Currently in Japan, Bobby would be a decent fit in Wrigley Field. He has losing in his family as he is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca who famously gave up Bobby Thompson's Shot Heard Round the World.

- Terry Bevington: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, this is the Cubs we are talking about. We fans have lost our right to laugh.

- Steve Stone: A true baseball man who knows that game like few others. Stone has said that he will take the job as long as he is not criticized under any circumstances by the men in the broadcast booth. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay.

- Jack McKeon: Led the Marlins to the World Series title in 2003. Older than Ronny Cedeno, Matt Murton and Rich Hill combined. Something like 138 years old. Skokie will love him.

- Mark Prior: It's not like he had anything else to do. Potentially could spend five months on D.L. with a strained thumb from writing out the lineup card.

- Darren Baker: Isn't he actually already the manager?

- Don Baylor and Bruce Kimm co-managing: Crap, we already tried them. Herman Franks?

- Russ Grimm. He'lltakeit.

- John Calipari: Hey, I didn't get my wish with the Iniana Hsiers. Let's try again. Would look sensational in the dugout. May get a little warm in those suits in the middle of August, though.

- Dutchie Caray: Why the hell not?

- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, if he can make winners out of that rag-tag crew, think of what he can do with this rag-tag crew. Hopefully will break Kelly Leak out of Leavenworth and bring him to play right field.

- Lou Brown: I hear the tire shop has fallen on hard times.

- That little kid from Little Big League: If anyone can straighten Einstein Jones out, its got to be Billy Heywood. Wasn't Jones on the Twins when Heywood was the manager? What do you mean it was only a movie?

- Robert Wuhl: Definitely prepared for a top baseball job. Understands the business of the sport thanks to his run as an agent. Terrific coaching experience in Durham. Knows what makes a good wedding gift and understands importance of not lollygagging.

- Dan Wagner: I'd better amend my letter. To hell with pitching...

See you all next Monday!

* My honest pick for the next Cubs' manager? How about former Twins' manager Tom Kelly?

***Sports Trivia of the Day: What did Yankees' boss George Steinbrenner famously call Hideki Irabu after the rotund Yankees' hurler failed to cover first base in a 1999 spring training game?