This Post Is a "Stolen Base"

Mark Twain once wrote that creativity is really nothing more than undetected plagarism and while I assure all faithful readers of the Random Thoughts that I have always and will always give the proper credit to my "sources" (Ms. Tedell, my high school journalism teacher would be so proud), it never ceases to amaze me how often I see similar, if not identical, quotes, jokes and quips in the mainstream media. Perhaps my favorite involves the symmetry between my original naming of Team Voldemort as "The Team Who Must Not Be Named" and author John Feinstein's referral to former Team Voldemort head master Roy Williams as the "Coach Who Must Not Be Named" in the book "Last Dance." A week or so ago, I made a comment about Randy Johnson that was eerily similar to a comment made by The Phoenix (whatever the heck that is) in naming the 100 most unsexy men. And yesterday, on the very day when former Cub announcer Steve Stone received his inaugural reference in the Random Thoughts, I hear Stone comment on the 670 AM The Score Giggle Hour (I believe they officially call it the Boers and Bernstein Show) that Jacque Jones has been reading the "Moises Alou Book of Baserunning." Thief!!!!

Okay, well as soon as I realized that for some bizarre reason I was listening to the Score and my radio was not stuck on the 670 AM frequency, I quickly turned over to Mac, Jurko and Harry on ESPN 1000. They were asking what two words in sports really get one's juices flowing. Words like "Super Bowl," "Opening Day" and "Final Four." {Lighbulb goes off in Dan's head}

-- Warning: Not all two-word sports phrases guaranteed to get your juices or anything else flowing...

Let's talk sports...

"Pathetic Crap" I was planning on talking about the Cubs today, but I don't waste my time listening to Celine Dion records or watching Rob Schneider movies, and I'm not going to waste my time talking about them either.

Okay, maybe just a little...(but no matter how much you beg, I'm not watching The Hot Chick)

"Double Play" I have come to the realization that watching the Cubs very may very well stunt my son's academic growth. In fact, if I am not careful, poor little Ryan is going to start thinking that the correct sequential order of arabic numerals is either 6-4-3 or 4-6-3. And I thought Ron Coomer was out of our system.

"Mendoza Line" In the great tradition of Dr. Seuss, every "thing" needs an accomplice. We've got Freddie Bynum cemented as Thing One and I'd like to nominate Neifi Perez and his under the Mendoza Line .167 batting average as Thing Two. Any, no, I do not wish them to play. They should be put in their box and be taken away. The suck real bad. It makes me sad. Without D Lee it's going to be a long May.

"Unearned Runs" Yesterday, I referred to the four runs given up by reliever Roberto Novoa as "runs that will not count against one's ERA" and many of you probably wondered why. The reason is quite simple. Shouldn't we consider penalizing a pitcher's statistics when the error that caused the "unearned runs" was made by the pitcher, himself? Further, what about the fact that after Novoa treated the ball like T.J. Hooker's Officer Stacy Sheridan will treat the annoying ugmo once she gets the hallucinogen out of her system, Novoa proceeded to give up solid base hits to two crappy Pirate hitters?

In my opinion, the official scorer should be granted flexibility in determining what qualifies as an unearned run and what should be counted against the pitcher's ERA. If a pitcher gives up two runs after Leon Durham lets a ground ball go right through his legs, he should be off the hook. If however, the same pitcher follows up a dropped fly ball by Brant Brown by giving up seven more hits, three walks, and two hit batsmen...(a) his name is likely either Gopherball Glendon or Jeff Fassero and (b) at least some of the runs should be earned.

In fact, I believe that the official scorer should, under certain circumstances, also have the right to "choose" which pitcher gets credit for a win. It just doesn't seem right that Neil Cotts can blow a late-inning lead and still get the win because Pablo Ozuna hits the first home run of his major league career (yes, I know that is not factually accurate. I'm just making a point). If a guy blows a lead but his team comes right back and wins the game, he should be ineligible for the win. Just my opinion.

"World Champions" Yes, you read the above correctly. After an avalanche of Cubs talk recently, the Sox were actually referenced in the Random Thoughts! Look, there is really not much to say. They proved to be the best team in baseball last year and they have the look of a champion once again. I guess I could offer an official apology to Scotty Pods for inferring that he was baseball's equivalent to Dexy's Midnight Runners. I suppose I could comment on how Jon Garland is looking a lot more like the Cubs' version of Jason Bere than the pre-surgey Sox version. I imagine that I could talk about Jose Uribe's inhumanly oversized ass, hope that Tail Chaser Anderson is having more luck in the bars than he is at the plate (.141 average), or question how close Jose Contreras really is to becoming eligible for Wendy's 50-cent senior citizen cup of coffee (if he's really 34 years old, I'm only 16). But, all I'll say is that this is a team that is exceptionally good. It has gotten to the point where, no matter what happens in the first six or seven innings, you have the feeling that the Sox will somehow go on to win the game. Pablo Ozuna's first career home run to tie yesterday's game with two outs in the bottom of the ninth is just the latest example.

"You're Fired!" No, I cannot believe that the Houston Texans drafted Sam Bowie either. If I'm general manager Charlie Casserly, I'm updating my resume and checking out how good I look in the green apron of a Starbucks' barrista.

"Rock Chalk" Wayne Simien was still available. So was Raef LaFrentz. I believe Eric Chenowith could have been persuaded to leave his job stocking diapers and shampoo at the Lawrence, Kansas Wal-Mart if the Bears' had only asked. But, ultimately the Monsters of the Midway elected to bypass youth (Simien), softness (LaFrentz), and an utter lack of talent (Chenowith), and go with the experience of Danny Manning.

"Agressive Athlete?" I'm sorry, but who exactly is Danieal Manning and why did the Bears draft him? It's hard to criticize him as a player seeing that I know as much about him as I know about the theatre scene in Bangladesh (look, I can't be all things to all people). I can only hope that he doesn't have the flabby, unshapen arms of his namesake and that the extra "a" in his name stands for "athletic" or "agressive" and not "awful." I suppose I can also hope that he learned a lot from teammates Sneezy Beltran and Azzie Beagnyam (once again, I don't make this stuff up!). Is the real nickname of alma mater Albilene Christian the Wildcats of the Dwarfs?
"Just Win" The rest of the Bears' draft was non-descript for me. I have never heard of any of the draftees, save a "way-in-the-back-of-my-mind-back-where-names-like-Mike-Vail-and-Paul-Noce-live" recognition of wide receiver Devin Hester. I do know that they are getting a guy who you would not want to meet in a dark alley in fomer Oklahoma defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek. Although he apparently has cleaned up his act, Dusty was once kicked off the team by Sooner coach Bob Stoops and underwent substantial alcohol and anger management counseling (good for him for trying to take care of the problem). Still, you would have to think that such a background is a major red flag.

With the drafting of Dvoracek and the free agent signing of Denny's terrorizer Ricky Manning Jr. one has to wonder in what direction the Bears are heading. Are we looking at the new Raiders of the NFL? Can Lawrence Phillips be far behind? Should we trade for current Chiefs' kicker and nightclub bouncer nose-breaker Lawrence Tynes? Has Theo Fleury been let out of the nut house yet and can he play a little defensive back? Are we better off with prison guard Paul Edgecomb*** on the team's staff than Chico Rivera?

"Tight-end Touchdown!" Many Bears' fans are upset that the team did not draft a tight end and will apparently go into next season once again relying on Desmond Clark. My gut reaction is to bring back Jim Thornton. With the addition of Manning Jr. and Dusty, Robocop could serve two purposes.

Actually, I kind of feel as though failing to draft a tight end is not such a bad thing. I mean, just wait a couple of months and there will be plenty of out-of-work ex-college basketball players who don't really want to go to the NBDL or play for the Lisbon Lions in the premier Portuguese league. How about the aforementioned Danny Manning, the current Director of Student-Athlete Development/ Team Manager for Team Voldemort? Think he truly enjoys working with Peter Pettigrew and Barty Crouch Jr? How about James Augustine? They will eat him alive in Macedonia (Hey, I promised to stop talking about Dee, not all ex-Illini!).

What exactly is it with all the ex-basketball players trying to become tight ends? Yes, Antonio Gates has had tremendous success in San Diego and, yes, Tony Gonzalez did play basketball at Cal, but c'mon. First former UConn Huskies hoopster Ed Nelson announces that he is available to play TE and then ex-George Mason big man Jai Lewis signs a contract with the New York Football Giants. I do not know about you, but if I am an NFL player personnel executive, I'm passing on Marco Killingsworth and looking for a guy who, you know, actually played tight end in college. Unless, of course, his name is John Allred, Alonzo Mayes, Keith Jennings or Chris Gedney. Crap...where's Greg Ostertag's phone number?

"Heisman Trophy" Regardless of what he says publicly, you have got to believe that Reggie Bush is disappointed as having been drafted behind Sam Bowie. I know that Casserly claims that he was selecting the player that fit the Texans' most pressing need (and wasn't it I, who last Friday commented on how teams should not be afraid to take the player that they really want), but when your team is a combined 18-46 in its four-year history (including 2-14 in 2005), you have a lot of needs. Current tailback Dominack Davis is a nice player and its arguable that a running back has about as much chance of success running behind the Texans' o-line as Quiet Riot has in making a glorious rock-n-roll comeback, but, as Yoda says, regret this...you will.

Bush cannot be as disappointed as Matt Leinart, though. One year ago, Leinart was the Heisman Trophy winner and the consensus #1 pick in the draft. Yet, Leinart returned to USC for his senior season and ended up with a loss in the National Championship and a ticket to Arizona as the #10 pick in the draft. By the way, the only "academic" class Matt took during the 2006 school year? Ballroom Dancing. That may be the most expensive class in the history of college academia.

At this point, Joakim Noah can only hope that Joakim is not French for Leinart.

"Foul Ball" Did anyone see that Pete Rose Jr. was recently sentenced to one month in prison for distributing a steroid alternative to his minor league teammates? Papa Rose had actually gotten 8-1 on six months in jail, Charles Barkley had 5-1 on a suspended sentence (after all Rose had plenty of steroid alternatives so distributing them is really not a problem, just an unfortunate habit according to Barkley) and John Daly had 1,000-1 on a punishment that included Rose Jr. having to listen to an in-the-bag Daly tell blatant lies about his gambling exploits while riding in a small lear jet.

"Bench Warmer" What in heck is Sam Perlozzo thinking? Despite being red hot recently, Kid Corey returned to the bench before being called on to pinch hit late in the Orioles loss to Texas. Too busy trying to figure out how the Rangers are using the scoreboard and lights to steal and relay signs at The Ballpark at Arlington, Patterson struck out.***

"Ninth Inning" You know, as I have written this, I have done a lot of thinking about my favorite two words in sports. As most of you know, I love "Championship Week," "March Madness" and "Ohio Valley." Under certain circumstances, I even love "Missouri Valley." But, after thinking about all the possibilities I finally realized the two words in sports guaranteed to get the blood pumping more than any others... Erin Andrews.

You're favorite two words? Post a comment...

"Game Over"

*** Today's Pop Culture Trivia: Who is Paul Edgecomb, who played him and what was the name of his most famous prisioner?

*** Today's (weak) Sports Trivia: Who, in 2005, famously blamed a poor pitching performance against the Rangers on scoreboard enhanced sign stealing at the Ballpark at Arlington?

***Yesterday's Trivia Answers: Krista Allen, (the adorable) Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Kristy Swanson and Heather Locklear. Lara Flynn Boyle who played Wayne's accident-prone ex-girlfriend Stacy and hit her current weight of 43 pounds at age 11.