Suspended Belief

So Tyson Barrett has been suspended ten games for igniting last Saturday's brawl at U.S Comiskular, Tail Chaser Brian Anderson for five games and Sox third base coach Joey Cora for a pair of contests. At first glance, all three suspensions seem reasonable.

Let's start with Barrett, who has always come across as a genuinely nice guy and who, for some curious reason, truly seems to enjoy playing for the Cubs. There simply is no excuse for what Barrett did. I've heard all the apologists who claim that Pierzynski deserves at least some of the blame for his actions, but the apologists probably also believe that Sammy Sosa really was using his "impress the crowd" batting practice bat and the old grey-haired dude won American Idol fair and sqaure. My advice to Michael. Take the Orbitz challenge. Plan a nice vacation somewhere. Yesterday, I mentioned the Bahamas, but why not book a flight back to Miami, head straight down U.S. 1, and don't stop until you're bellied up to the Schooner Wharf bar, drinking an ice-cold Key West Ale, and, for at least ten days, not give a crap whether Henry Blanco can hit his weight (he can't), whether whoever starts in place of Kerry Wood on Sunday can set an all-time record for most walks in an inning (he can), and whether Tom Kelly, Lou Pinella, Jessica Alba or Jimmy Buffett will be the next manager of the team.

That brings us to Perzynski, who was fined as a result of the melee. Let me make one thing perfectly clear...I do not like A.J. Pierzynski. I read somewhere that A.J. stands for Anthony John, but I am more inclined the believe that it really stands for "Absolute Jerk." Look, there is a reason that the guy finished #9 on GQ magazine's list of "10 Most Hated Athletes" (T.O. finished #1 and Barry Bonds was #2). They absolutely could not stand the guy in San Francisco where he was rounded criticized by his teammates for being a "cancer." Even Ozzie Guillen and die-hard White Sox fans agree that the guy is often a royal pain in the you-know-where. On numerous occasions Guillen has commented about how big a jerk he can be and ESPN 1000's resident Sox apologist, Dan McNeil (not that they need an apologist for much these days), emphasizes the way that A.J. breaks an unwritten baseball rule by running directly across the pitchers mound after making an out in a deliberate attempt to antogonize the opposing team and shoots his mouth off more often than Sidney Deane, Wesley Snipes' character in White Men Can't Jump. In fact, most "experts" agree that Barrett probably received a lot of congratulatory letters and thank you notes from players around the major leagues for the punch.

That said, holy moly, would he look good in a Cubs uniform...

Despite my dislike of Pierzynski, however, I am man enough to admit that both his ejection from last Saturday's game and the resultant fine are unfair. What precisely is he being fined for? Slapping home plate in a demonstrative manner? Irritating...yes, but worthy of discipline? The bottom line is that MLB's disciplinary action against A.J. is similar to when a famous movie director is given a "Lifetime Achievement Award" by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (see: Robert Altman in 2006)***

I have to chuckle, however, at A.J. and his ridiculous claims that he wishes that the whole thing would just go away and that he does not wish to talk about the fight anymore. Such comments were made immediately after last Saturday's game. Of course, Pierzynski then appeared on Fox Sports Sunday, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN News in the next two days. I suppose he thought that Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser just wanted to talk with him about the development of Brandon McCarthy or his appearance on professional wrestling's TNA IMPACT! during which A.J.'s "team" was victorious after Pierzynski knocked out wrestler Simon Diamond with a home plate that was handed to him by Johnny Damon (I guess there just happened to be a home plate lying around). I think he may even have made an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show claiming that even 5'10, 195 lb, Cliff Politte could beat the crap out of Steve.

* I really do not have too much to say about Tail Chaser Anderson and his suspension. Protecting a teammate? Hogwash. Watch the replay. Anderson simply looked like a drunk frat guy who was absolutely delighted to be in a fight. He came in throwing punches like the two chicks in the barroom brawl scene in the movie Airplane. Hitting .167 on the season and recently replaced by Rob Mackowiak as the Sox everyday center fielder, Anderson might as well accept his suspension. Head off to Vegas for a few days, Tail Chaser. Plenty of decent strip clubs there.

* So, why did little Joey Cora receive a suspension? According to Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, Cora, who was on the bottom of a pile, "bit Jacque Jones in the foot" (Random Thoughts commenter "thewife" wants to know why Einstein Jones did not report this...good question but for the fact that it is Jones that we are talking about and he has proven that he is far from the sharpest knife in the drawer). Further, it seems as though Cora has been accused of biting people in the past. If fact, I've heard a rumor that an overly cautious Evander Holyfield has gotten a restraining order against Joey. Looks like we have a new nickname...Jaws Cora (although it is not as if the Sox third base coach is going to get a lot of copy in the Random Thoughts, unless, of course, Ozzie loses his mind and hires Wavin' Wendell).

* The truth is that you just never know what goes on at the bottom of a pile in a benches-clearing brawl. Joey Cora mistaking Einstein Jones' foot for a club sandwich (or a hero or a hoagie or a grinder). Tadahito Iguchi and Todd Walker arguing over whether Bobby Flay or Hiroyuki Sakai is a better chef. Bobby Jenks looking to see if anyone dropped a Krispy Kreme. It is the things that happen at the bottom of the pile that baseball likes to keep quiet. You know about the suspensions to Barrett, Anderson and Cora, and the fine to Pierzynski, but unreported are the small fines assessed for rather innocuous trasngressions. Twenty dollars for Jones hitting Scotty Pods with his copy of "Moises Alou's Guide to Baserunning" (what can I say? I love that joke!). Sixty dollars from Jermaine Dye's theft of Stephen Hawking Hairston's pocket protector and protractor. And poor, poor Weasley has to use Professor Umbridge's magic quill and write "I will not take my wand out in front of muggles" over and over until the message sinks in after an untimely and ill-advised bat bogey hex gone wrong (look, if you are not a Harry Potter fan, lock yourself in a room with all six books this Holiday weekend. Just get it over with. This is not going to stop).

* A lot has been said about the fight and if I had a quarter for everytime I have heard the media use the all-too-common cliche' "bush league" to describe Barrett's punch, I'd be able to buy myself a copy of "12 Inches of Snow" and try to figure out the words to "Informer." The truth is that I have no idea what the heck the "Bush League" is or who plays in it. Is that the league that Colin Powell was kicked out of for questioning league management's "strategery?" Is it the league where Dick Cheney sits in a bunker below the dugout "just in case?" Is this the league whose games are broadcast on Fox News and roundly criticized by CNN?

Oh wait, this is the six-team international league that Tony Blair mentioned is currently being developed, isn't it? The one with the New Texas (formally Iraq) WMD, the New Crawford (formally Afghanistan) Freedom Fighters, the Houston Jr. (formally North Korea) Nuclear Exhibitionists, the Oiland (formally Saudi Arabia) Friends of the Program, the Even Newer Texas (formally Iran) Sons-of-Bitches, the County Where You Can Get Yummy Croissants Wusses, and the South Florida Hanging Chads.

* The Blackhawks have announced the signing of Dave Bolland, the team's second round pick in 2004. One question..what in the heck took dang long? Drafted in 2004? If this guy is good, what was the holdup? Was Pulford too busy trying to re-acquire Paul Coffey and Doug Gilmour? Was Wirtz too busy trying to come up with a good excuse for taking the away games off television too ("It hurts our dedicated fans who travel to Calgary to watch their favorite team play...").

Oh wait a minute...all ties with 26-year broadcaster Pat Foley are cut one day and three days later, young Mr. Bolland inks a deal? Hmmm... I seem to remember another ultra-popular Chicago broadcaster who was run out of town because Kent Mercker didn't like his criticism of the team and Moises Alou is not man enough to take the heat for his stupid baseball. Now, I do not know of any connection between Foley and Ballond (yes, I spelled his name wrong, It's the Blackhawks, does it really matter?) and Foley has never come across to me as an overly-negative guy. I just think it is a shame the way Chicago keeps losing top-notch broadcasters, but has to deal with Chris Singleton.

By the way, Bolland scored 57 goals and had 73 assists in 59 games for the London (Ontario) Knights last season. I know it's minor leagues, but, wow! Perhaps lady luck will finally smile on the Indian Head sweater and the Hawks will find themselves with the next Mario Lemiex, Paul Kariya, or even the next Ned Braden!

* So Ken Griffey Jr. has finally talked to the media. Of course, the reason he talked to the media is to explain why he has not been talking to the media. It turns out that Junior is upset with the criticism that he has been receiving and the suggestion that he consider changing positions from center field to first base or left field to help lessen the wear and tear on his body. Talking to the media about why one is not talking to the media. Interesting concept. Isn't this a little like wearing a mink coat to protest the unethical treatment of animals? Or driving around the country yelling out a loudspeaker about the high price of gas? Or refusing to shoot in the second half of a Game 7 to prove that your team needs you to shoot to have a chance to win (I'm looking right at you, Kobe)? Or even...and you knew this was coming...a little like going on every television and radio show to announce that you are sick of talking about getting punched in the mug?

* When the hiring of Kelvin Sampson was first announced, I was extremely suprised. And then, once the dust began to settle, I started to like the hire more and more. But now, what the &*%$&#@?!?

The official verdict is in and it is not pretty if you are a Hsier fan. Sampson has been barred from making recruiting calls or in-person recruiting visits for one year as a result of his having made more than 550 impermissible phone calls to recruits while the head coach at Oklahoma. Do you realize how crushing this is? Recruiting is the lifeblood of an intercollegiate sports program and now the head coach cannot, for all intents and purposes, recruit? What in the heck were IU athletic director and president Adam Herbert thinking? You have to imagine that they did their homework (like they said they did) and honestly believed that such a sanction would not be handed down. Well, looks like it did not quite turn out that way!

Sampson better stay up all night praying that he has hired assistant coaches that are extremely good at their job and that can sell IU at least enough to get the kid to come to Bloomington (where they will inevitably see IU's shoddy facilities...but that is another story). (In other words, do not hire Willy Loman). If they are not good, and I mean extremely good, at what they do, IU may very well have to go the Eddie Sutton route and start mailing out envelopes with hundred dollar bills in them or go the Pete Bell route, find a big time booster namedHappy, and buy a new home for Buch McRae and a tractor for Ricky Roe's dad.

I want you to really think about this. IU has now hired a man who, for at least one year, in essence, cannot do his job. It has not worked for the Cubs in signing free agents and it is unlikely to work for Iniana. Think about this in a real world scenario. Imagine the police department hiring a guy who can't fire a gun or slap a pair of handcuffs on Randy Moss. Think about a trucking company hiring a guy with a suspended driver's license to do the New-York to Phoenix run. Think about hiring Ozzy Osbourne to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at your company's softball championship.

Zero tolerance. my ass.

* Finally, as some of you know, I have put a hidden counter on this site to track the number of hits that I am receiving. Let me just say that I have been nothing short of delighted with the apparent number of Random Thoughts fans (why don't you people comment?). In fact, we hit an all-time high of 59 hits on Wednesday. Thank you! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it...

Now, I do not for the life of me, believe that there are 59 people reading this thing (the counter registers hits from the same computer unless they are consecutive) and I was interested in getting a better idea of how many people read the RT on a daily basis. So, I asked the eight members of the RT Advisory Council to abstain from checking the site more than once yesterday. Once again, I was extremely happy with the results. Unless, the eight members ignored my request and checked a number of times anyway, like the time when Bobby wanted to grow taller and actually thought that his ridiculous stretching regimen was working only to find out that each of his sisters had lowered the benchmark piece of tape (hey, their heart was in the right place!), I have a larger audience than I thought! Thank you!

Now, I have got to go save someone from a meat locker. Have a terrific Holiday weekend.

***Today's (I think tough) Pop Culture Trivia: Renowned Director Martin Scorsese has never won an Oscar and has not (yet) been the recipient of the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. He has, however, been nominated as Best Director five times. For which five movies did Scorsese receive a nomination?

Chervin? You out there?