Second Place? I'm Doing The Carlton Dance!

{Trumpets blaring...streamers falling...balloons flying]

Welcome to the 77th official post of Dan's Random Sports Thoughts. What likely seems an insignificant number is actually quite notable. You see, with my 77th post, I take over second place on the all-time list of persons who have written the most "Blog Posts That At One Time or Another Have Referenced Silver Spoons" (see May 22). With this 77th post, I eclipse Alfonso Ribeiro, whose blog "From Alfonso Spears to Carlton Banks...A Journey," tragically came to an end after Randy Newman released his recent (follow-up) hit "Short People (Got No Reason to Post)." Alas, I remain well short of the record, currently held by one Rick (don't call me Ricky) Schroeder, who currently has a streak of 6,938 posts each of which simply reads "I can't believe my career hit its peak at age 13. Long live Ricky Stratton. Long live Kate Summers. Long live Silver Spoons."

Yes, I have heard the whispers. I are all-too-aware that disbelievers wonder how I went from a skinny, high school, die-hard DePaul fan, writing depth-less pieces for the Buffalo Grove High School Charger while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss to a truly mammoth, 30-something professional, die-hard Iniana fan, writing dramatic, deep posts for the Random Thoughts while suffering with each and every excruiating Cubs loss (1987 or 2006...some things never change). I know the rumors are out there. Jose Canseco may not have mentioned me directly, but I can read between the lines.

And I know that as I achieve this milestone, most of the outside world will continue to question how I got to where I am today. My hometown fans will cheer me, but the rest will criticize me at every turn. They will argue that I am the poster-boy of blog-enhancing cheating. They will claim that I rip off Dan Patrick and Dan McNeil. That I blatantly steal from Dan Marino and Dan Majerle and, should the situation present itself, Dan Cortese (the situation better not present itself). They say that I am a fan of the Phoenix. That my personal trainers were able to stay one step ahead of the blog police. That Google and Yahoo and Ask Jeeves are the tools of my deception. That I am a fraud.

Yes, there were times when I inadvertently borrowed material from other sources. I admit that. The information was presented to me by my trainers and I was told that it was information that was 100% clean and had not been stolen. I called such information "The Clear."
But, I am not going to apologize. I deserve this record and all it takes is one cognizant sports thought for second-place on the all-time list to be mine. And I have chosen this momentous occasion to make the single most important point I have ever made. The point that is sure to get ESPN's attention triggering a series of events that will no-doubt lead to Dan Wagner being named the new feature columnist of ESPN The Magazine. So here goes...

No more excuses. It is time for the Chicago Cubs to trade M...

[crowd noise]

* Anyone else dislike Barry Bonds as much as I do?

* You can bet that major league baseball is laughing their asses off at the fact that Giant replacement radio announcer Dave Fleming's microphone went dead in the middle of the famous home run call. Somewhere, the ghost of Babe Ruth is getting really drunk. Oh yeah, and smiling, too.

* For those of you, too busy memorizing the words to "Informer" (a big thank you goes out to Random Thoughts commenter Darth Anonymous" for making us all just a little more intelligent), San Francisco resident Andrew Morbitzer is the lucky owner of home run ball #715. Morbitzer actually missed seeing the famous long-ball thanks to the whining of his new wife Megan, who asked Andrew to get her a beer and some peanuts. Sure, Megan, wait until Bonds is up to have a salt-craving. Couldn't have decided to get drunk when Jose Vizcaino was up, could you?

Now, I know that it is thanks to Megan's complaining that Morbitzer was in the right place at the right time to get the ball (we was at the center field concession stand when the ball rolled right up to him), but I call it luck. Gentlemen, resist the temptation to find a lesson in this story. This does not mean that we must always listen to the woman in our lives.

And what in the heck was Morbitzer doing getting her a beer? What? Was did she have a run in with Nicky Santoro? Were her legs broken? And don't give me this chivarly crap. It's 2006. Not 1956. Want us to act like it's 1956? Sure, we'll get you a beer...just remember Good Housekeeping's "The Good Wife's Guide." Greet us with a warm smile, speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, prepare the children, and arrange our pillow and offer to take off our shoes, And be a little gay, would you?

Further, please do not forget that you are married now, kid. What's the point in getting her drunk? Hate to break it to you, but your dating rituals are officially over.

Wow, I'm in trouble tonight, aren't I?

* I have to admit that I have little to no interest in Bonds' home run chase. I think the novelty of a good home run race ran off with McGwire and Sosa's assault on Maris' record in 1998. Speaking of 1998, anyone wonder what has become of McGwire's son? Ten years old in 1998, little Mac is no doubt now a "healthy" 18-year old. After all, that kid weighed more at age ten than both Olsen twins...combined...before puking.

* I love sports history and, if any of you are ever in Atlanta, I recommend you spend a few minutes in the remote parking lot beyond the left field wall of Turner Field. Not only is the pavement where the original infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium marked off with a different color (if you go there on a non-game day, you can drive around the bases. I pretended to run over Ken Oberkfell), but the original section of blue chain-link fence where Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run has been left in place and is marked by a plaque. It's one of the coolest sports things that I have seen. Like Farmer Ted when he ended up with a drunk Caroline Mulford passed out in the back of Jake Ryan's Porsche, I really wish I had a camera.

* I had a tough, tough decision to make yesterday. Low and behold, the Cubs actually won! But what to do about hanging the dormant "W" flag with the Stars and Stripes already swaying in the breeze in honor of the men and women who safeguard the freedom that we hold so dear? I mean, I realize that days when it is the norm to hang the American flag are rather rare (Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Veteran's Day, etc.) but, lately Cub victories have occurred about as often as Tori Spelling wins an award for her acting.

* I left the American flag flying. God bless our troops.

-- I will be traveling the next three days to the never-exciting city of Sacramento (if I see Tom or Joan or Abby or David or Mary or Susan or Joanie or Nancy or Elizabeth or Tommy or Nicholas, I'll be sure to say hello***). I fully expect to post, however, so please keep checking the site.

***Today's extremely tough Pop Culture trivia: David Bradford was played by Grant Goodeve in every episode of Eight is Enough's four-year run, except the pilot. Which famous actor (fresh off an appearance in a classic Science Fiction movie) was originally cast as David and appeared as him in the pilot episode?

***Last Friday's trivia answers: (1) The Aviator; (2) Last Temptation of Christ; (3) Raging Bull; (4) The Gangs of New York; and (5) Goodfellas were all movies for which Martin Scorsese was noiminated for a Best Director Oscar (but lost).