He Also Dated Helen Gamble

Eventually, every team shows its true colors and I fear that the last four days we have seen the "real" Chicago Cubs. If not for the fine pitching of Sean Marshall and the clutch hitting of the Cubs' best player, Weasley, this team would likely be on a four-game slide. Things are so bad, that in the last four games, the Cubs have been outscored 34-4 and it took a pair of two-out, back-to-back singles in the bottom of yesterday's ninth innning to raise the Cubs' hit total during that span to a measley 24 (in fact, if you take last Friday's offensive "explosion" out of the equation -- 13 hits --, the Cubs have only 37 hits in their last seven games!).

And it is not just the fact that they are losing, but the way that they are playing. Two walks, a hit batsman, and a wild pitch = Pirates 2, Cubs 0. Five innings later with the game still reasonably in reach, four "runs that will not count against one's ERA" crossed the plate when relief pitcher Roberto Novoa treated the baseball like Julia Roberts treated Lyle Lovett when she realized that she was married to...well, Lyle Lovett.

Yes, Lyle, it's ugly right now and I'm not convinced that it is going to get better any time soon. With Aramis having suddenly turned into a modern-day Steve Buechele at the plate (you thought I was going to say Shane Andrews, didn't you?) the Cubs will be lucky to put four runs on the board in any given game. I suppose the real test comes tomorrow night when they get to face old friend Juan Cruz. Note to the geniuses in blue...any Cub fan will tell you that Juan can be as wild as Tara Reid on a post-Carson Daly bender, so let him walk you! Of course, that means that Einstein Jones and Stephen Hawking Hairston Jr. will likely hack at the first pitch. That's okay Dusty, no need to move your lazy butt off the bench and...I don't know...manage. Heck, I'd hate to see you lose your reputation as a "player's manager."

Things are not much better on the mound, unless your name is Greg Maddux, Sean Marshall, Ryan Dempster, or you used to pitch out of the White Sox bullpen. Big Z can't throw strikes and acts like a three-year old who is not allowed any more candy. Angel Guzman and Jerome Williams apparently are disciples of the Rick Ankiel school of throwing strikes (in other words they throw strikes about as often as a Stevie Wonder does at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama). Gopherball Glendon (hey, look at that...you got yourself a nickname!) has given up an unbelievable 11 home runs in 22 innings (by comparison, he gave up 24 HR in 275 innings in the last two years combined). He's turning into baseball's version of Paris Hilton (everyone scores!!!). There is a reason that David Aardsma's name starts with "double A" (maybe Mark Prior can change his name to Dlior). I am not even going to mention Will Oh-Man!

Look, I really hate to be so negative. I really do. But I'm like Dick Bevetta or any other NBA ref...I call em' like I see em'. Wait a minute, I meant to say that I am like Steve Stone, not an NBA ref. If I was like an NBA ref, I'd call em' however the heck David Stern and the fine folks at ABC/ ESPN have instructed me to call them (more on that conspiracy theory later).

Of course, if I was truly like Steve Stone, I'd call em' like I see em' until Kent Mercker threatens to punch my face in and then I'd turn into a scapegoat, clearing the way for Bob Brenly to begin writing the Random Thoughts. Can you imagine that? The RT would read worse than it did when I was trying to extrort money out of all of you dedicated readers. In fact, I believe I found Brenly's current blog titled "Obvious Observations" ("The Cubs need to score more runs than the Diamondbacks tonight. You score more runs by hitting the ball. Of course, you need to get base hits. Otherwise you will be out.") Uh huh.

So...I am returning to the unpleasant land of negativity and for the third time, I will restate my belief regarding where this is all headed. Juan Pierre will be wearing a different uniform come July 31 and teams that are reasonably in contention do not trade their leadoff man. We can only hope the same can be said for Hairston and Rusch.

At least we can still count on Frank the Tank (see 4/26 drio comment) for a little fun. During last Saturday's rain delay, while his teammates were probably cowering in the corner of the Cubs dugout at the thought of facing another left-handed pitcher (guys...it's Chris Capuano, not Sandy Koufax), Frank the Tank was sitting in the Wrigley Field seats signing autographs for the fans. Very, very cool move. It reminds me of when Cincinnati Reds' goofball pitcher Tom Browning showed up during a game on a Sheffield Avenue Rooftop. Baseball needs more Brownings and Dempsters (and Michael Barretts) and less overpaid prima donnas (yes, I am talking to you, Mark Dlior).

Interesting question...what would happen if Gopherball Glendon did get traded and had to face the Cubs? Possibly the worst left-handed pitcher in the league (last I checked Micah Bowie was no longer in the majors, but Shawn Estes is still hanging around San Diego to give Gopherball Glendon a run for his money), faces a team that has had about as much success hitting left-handed pitching as The Michael Richards Show had in spinning off of Seinfeld. It would be a classic battle. Rusty LaRue playing one-on-one versus Dragan Tarlac. Tom Floyd trying to coach Jamal Crawford. Henry Burris competing in the "Great Quarterback Challenge" versus Moses Moreno. Someone would have to be successful...

What other famous matchups can you think of (where someone mercifully has to be the winner). Post a comment!

Speaking of Mark Dlior, anyone know whether he is still alive? The reports on Wood are good (yesterday he pitched five innings of one-hit ball and is ready for a Class A start on Sunday -- and, no, he was not facing the that thing Freddie Bynum and the rest of the Cubs' "sluggers"). The reports on Wade Miller are not so good (I saw a report that he had a setback and has been shut down for a couple of weeks). But what about Dlior? There hasn't really been any news at all. Can we at least get a simulated report on his condition?

At this point, I'm putting the over/ under on his return at the All-Star Break...

Corey-o-Meter: Since our last report, Kid Corey has continued his hot streak. Since last Friday, he is 6-18 with another HR and stolen base, two runs and four RBI. No jokes here. Just solid baseball. Season: Since April 22, Kid Corey is 12-26 and has raised his season average from .156 to .293. But, don't worry Cubs' fans. Einstein Jones is going to get hot any day now.

There are certain things that may not be fair in sports, but that everyone should simply learn to live with because they are not going to go away. The Bears are unlikely to ever have a decent quarterback. Ken Harrelson, Darrin Jackson and Chris Singleton will continue to get paid (well) for butchering White Sox games on TV and the radio while the rest of us file motions, crunch numbers and perform other menial tasks. David Spade will continue to score hot babe after hot babe despite being a squirmy little ugmo. Okay, I just can't just let that one go with asking an unanswerable question. Can someone, anyone, please explain to me how that little sh*t has reportedly landed the chick from the Emmanuelle in Space soft-core films, the adorable girl from the underrated TV show Ed, Susan Meyer aka Lois Lane, Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the movie (ahhh...the second Luke Perry film reference in the history of the Random Thoughts!), and now vixen Amanda Woodward? *** This doesn't make any frickin' sense, people!!!

Okay, where was I...oh yeah, things that are not fair, but are not going to change. Look, I may not like it. You may not like it. Jeff Van Gundy and Jerry Sloan certainly did not like it in the late 90's. But, in my opinion, the reality is that the officiating in the NBA is likely controlled (to some extent) by a pre-determined plan to advance certain teams. Am I claiming that the officiating unequivocally wins and loses games? Not necessarily. But, I believe that it does have an effect and can nudge a team in the right direction. Michael, Scottie and the Bulls were the prime beneficiaries of the reality then and marquee players like Dwyane Wade, Shaq and Kobe are the beneficiaries now.

The officiating is simply too predictable. You knew that the Bulls' big men would face immediate foul trouble last night. It was only natural. In fact, there are numerous occasions during a game when, depending on its flow, I can easily predict that a foul will be called on a certain team (Random Thoughts commenter thewife can verify this -- unless she is still mad at me for carousing about with Random Thoughts commenter thegirlfriend, then she will deny the whole thing). I have complained about this on the college level and in many respects it is even worse in the NBA.

That said, the officiating, in no way, cost the Bulls last night. It was a simple matter of untimely turnovers and missed open shots. Nobody is going to argue that the Bulls go as their outside shooting goes and last night, Hinrich, Gordon and Deng didn't remind anyone of Larry Bird. I also cringe at the suggestion that the Heat turned up the defensive pressure. Yes, the Heat played better than they had in games 3 and 4, but Antonie Walker still treats the guy he is guarding as if he has leprosy and Shaq still does not want to play the dribbler off the pick and roll, leaving the Bulls' guards with a bucketload of uncontested shots. Hey, sometimes they just don't fall.

More discouraging were the unforced turnovers. I fashion myself a Captain Kirk and Ben Gordon fan (despite my continual insistance that they are tradeable if the right deal comes along), but, over the course of the last 87 games, I do not think that I have ever seen players dribble the ball off thier feet (and shins and knees and thighs) that much in my life. And a quick note to Ben...you are correct that Tyson Chandler wasn't paying attention when you tried to zip him those two passes, but since he cannot score anyway, why even bother passing him the ball?

I believe that the Bulls are likely to win tommorrow night's game in the UC, but will eventually wither in the Heat of game seven (but at least they will get one last chance to hang out on South Beach for a few more days).

Finally, it is nice to see that fans are actually attending the games in Miami (and it is especially nice to see many of the female fans in the crowd, if you catch my drift). Heaven knows, they can't seem to pry Floridians away from jai alai contests, oversized outlet malls, and gator rasslin' to get them to watch baseball. On Monday night, 7,295 people came out to watch whether Devil Ray catcher Josh Paul will once again get duped by a strikeout victim who "cheats" by running to first base when he is clearly out (or maybe they all were members of the Gary Matthews Jr. fan club -- the Rays were playing Sarge Jr's Rangers). On the same night, 6,017 bored souls made their way to Pro Joe Dolphin Player Robbie Park Stadium to watch Joe Borowski sweat in the bullpen and Todd Wellemeyer pitch a scoreless innning in relief against the Phillies. For those of you not cool enough to have one of those snazzy black watches with the calculators on them (what do you mean those have not been cool since 1983? Don't tell me Swatches are not fashionable either? Even with the Swatch Guard?), that's a total of 13,312 fans at the two games. Of course, at the same time, there were precisely 22,753 New York and Canadian transplants lined up outside Grandma Annie's in West Palm Beach hoping to catch the $4.95 early bird special before going home to call their children to incessantly badger them about never coming to visit and for failing to produce a grandchild. Such is life in South Florida.

--- I fully realize that I have yet to give you my opinion on Tyler Reed and J.D. Runnels. Expect a full review tomorrow or Friday.

***Pop Culture Trivia: What are the real names of the annoying ugmo's five alleged love interests? Bonus: Which ugmo gal pal is referenced in the title? Ultra-Bonus: What character did she play in the movie Wayne's World? Mega-Super-Fantastic Bonus: How old was she when she achieved her current weight of 43 pounds?