Wow. In my weeklong absence I have missed quite a lot (and I mean, a lot!). Let's take a trip around the always-wonderful world of sports...
* The Cubs lost...and lost...and lost...and lost..and lost. Must be the fact that Todd Walker is still poisoning the clubhouse, eh Hendry?
* While I certainly was as happy as anyone to head up to the attic last night to drag the "W" flag out from behind my Olmec Indian head statue of Xt'Tapalatakettle, my box of "Ayotollah Assahollah" t-shirts and my 80's collection of Poison and Ratt records, I'm not quite ready to suggest that Wrigley Field vendors stop selling Prozac and Zoloft.
* Prozac? Zoloft? Maalox? Barf bags? Einstein Jones voodoo dolls? Kerry Wood "next-injury countdown clocks?" Sheesh, looks like the Cubs either better build larger souvenier stands or start giving away all those leftover Steroid Sammy, Kid Corey and Nomah jerseys.
* While you're at it, you might want to start marking down all those Juan Pierre jerseys as well.
* The first week of the season, I commented that the aforementioned Pierre would not be wearing a Cubs jersey come July 31. I, now must admit that,alas, I am likely wrong. Who in the heck is going to trade for a leadoff hitter with a sub-.300 on-base percentage? Maybe Isiah Thomas needs a new pointguard.
* I think I owe Scotty pods an apology. A major apology.
* Briggs & Stratton is currently holding a contest where the winner gets $20,000 to improve the condition of their local youth baseball field and an on-field clinic with Hall of Famers Carlton Fisk and Lou Brock. Little leaguers were asked to write essays and the company has announced the selection of 16 finalists. The company has also announced a last-place winner. Poor Henry Hickson of Shelbyville, Kentucky was deemed the dumbest kid in America when he suggested that Angel Guzman will win the NL Rookie of the Year and will be rewarded / punished by receiving an on-field baserunning clinic with Einstein Jones.
* Dusty may want to protect the Cubs' right fielder, but he will get no sympathy from the Random Thoughts. He is an idiot. An i-d-i-o-t. Make that an I-D-I-O-T. He makes Moises Alou look like Tim Raines on the basepaths.
* Heck, he makes Clay Aiken look like Brad Pitt and Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Thomas look like Kelly Ripa. Yes, he is that bad.
* So, the Cubs got swept by the Padres at Wrigley last weekend. Think the losses were the worst thing about the weekend? Did you forget about the seemingly non-stop rain? You try having your post-game sit-down meeting in the wet grass.
* Not to mention the fact that Henry Blanco forgot to bring the big jug of water and the ice-cream shop was out of Rocky Road after the game.
* The way they are playing, shouldn't this team be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds**?
* I'm still waiting for the Cubs to announce their next promotion...Ronny Cedeno wet ball day.
* Can someone please tell me what Thing One is still doing on the active roster? I mean...really.
* Anyone else say a prayer that Jae Kuk Ryu is not Korean for base-on-ball?
* Anyone else notice that the red-hot Tigers are tied with the White Sox atop the A.L. Central? When did Al Kaline, Lance Parrish and Lou Whitaker come out of retirement? I share a birthday with Sweet Lou, by the way. Yogi Berra, Moises' dad, Jim from American Pie, Tootie and Billy Squier, too. No "Stroke" jokes allowed...
* Weird Stat of the day: Tigers' slugger Chris Shelton hit nine home runs in his first 13 games this year, but has only two in his last 25. So that's why we had never heard of him before. Don't worry Chris, your three-game series with the north siders is only a month away.
* Rumor has it that the Knicks are planning on paying coach Larry Brown upwards of $40 million to just go away (Brown making $40 million for the New York fiasco is on par with Nicole Kidman raking in $17.5 million for Bewitched) Further rumor has it that the Golden State Warriors are interested in Brown as their next head coach. Golden State? How about the Golden Slumbers Retirement Home. Note to Coach Brown on behalf of not just the NBA, but all of civilized society. In the words of Motley Crue...don't go away mad, just go away.
* Who does Isiah Thomas have pictures of, anyway?
* Charles Barkley renamed "Gamblor?" So, it shall be done.
* Corey-o-Meter: Has settled in nicely with the O's, hitting a modest .261 with four dingers, 16 RBI and 10 stolen bases. Is also wondering what Thing One is doing on the Cubs' active roster.
* For more than 20 years, Blackhawks fans have been comforted by the voice of announcer Pat Foley on both the television and radio broadcast (trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, calls the third period of a 7-1 loss better than Foley). In continuing its uninterrupted string of undeniably forward-thinking and wise decisions, the Hawks have now announced that there will be a two sets of announcers for next year's games...one for TV and one for radio and Foley has already been ruled out as the television voice of the team. Excuse me? Sure, take away the only reason to watch Hawks games. What's next? Is the team going to trade Jeremy Roenick for an overrated Russian figure skater? Trade young star Jean Pierre Dumont for a bag of pucks and a Beta copy of Slap Shot 2? Stop televising home games on TV?
* Never mind.
* The only explanation that I can think of is that Darrin Jackson must be looking for something to do during the long, cold winter.
* I know that the Hawks are about as popular as the Chicago Shamrox in this town (although slightly more so than Dusty Baker), but shouldn't the Wirtz clan be trying to hold on to the remaining 31 fans? This is precisely the type of move that is likely to alienate everyone not named Toukanov or married to Dustin Byfuglien (no, I did not make that up). Unless Harry Doyle is taking over in the booth, bad move. Bad, bad move.
* Sixty-five points? That's all the Blackhawks got is sixty-five g-ddamned points?
* Who are the Chicago Shamrox, you ask? Why the brand-spanking new professional lacrosse team, of course. Joining, among others, the Calgary Roughnecks, the Colorado Mammouth, the Portland Lumberjax, and the San Jose Stealth in the 20-year old National Lacrosse League, the Shamrox will be based in Hoffman Estates. The N.L.L. also announced that all team parties will be videotaped and archived and that Diamonds gentlemen's club is strictly off-limits.
* Just when I am about to comment that Comcast really needs to shore up its non-baseball programming, the Northwestern women's soccer hazing story breaks. What a huge break for Comcast's anchor program "Softball 360." That's right, an entire half-hour dedicated to non-stop softball fun. A piece on Jennie Finch and her favorite restaurants in Lisle. An expose on the lard-ass, pinch runner rule, first mentioned by Random Thoughts commenter "cub fan kev." A discussion of Mr. Burns' controversial decision to pinch hit for Darryl Strawberry with the bases loaded. And now, a chance to cover all angles of Wildcat Soccergate (yes, Bearister, I intentionally chose the suffix "gate" for you). XFL-esque ratings here we come!!!
* Perhaps that one Northwestern coed, pictured making out with a teammate, should adopt the nickname "She Love Me."
* Female soccer players making out with other female soccer players. The XFL. Huh. That gives me an idea. Anyone have Vince McMahon's phone number?
* Finally, (because we just don't cover softball quite enough in the Random Thoughts), every March, college basketball teams dream of going to the Big Dance. Perhaps the girls on the Boone Grove (IN) varsity softball team do not realize that it is actually a metaphor for the NCAA Tournament. After upsetting regional favorite South Central in the state semi-finals, the girls of Boone Grove forfeited the championship because they wanted to go home to get ready for the Prom.
Quick, somebody tell Thing One that El DeBarge is hosting a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance contest tonight.
**Pop Culture Trivia: Which "famous" baseball team was sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds?
***Last week's trivia: OrangeWhip was extremely close...George Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a "Fat, pussy toad."
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5 comments:
You disappear for a week and that's the best trivia question you can come up with? Not wanting to give it away to anyone else but if you make a pool cleaner the head coach and give all the players beers in the dugout...you've got a championship combination. Hey Hendry, I may be on to something!!!
The origional movie of the "Bad News Bears" was sponsered by good old Chico and Company. I don't think the Cubs would qualify to use them as they have not shown us a pitcher as good as Tatum O'Neal.
Shouldn't they be the Hoffman Estates Shamrox?
Isn't Jae Kuk Ryu Korean for bird killer?
Is Hawks management so stupid as to not realize the remaining 31 fans will be watching the road games with the sound down so they can listen to Pat Foley on the radio anyway?
How about we trade Thing One and Thing Two for Tanner Boyle and Timmy Lupus?
Actually, it would not be the Hoffman Estates Shamrox, it would be the Chicago Shamrox of Hoffman Estates - following the elegant examples of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or Arlington Nissan of Palatine (thanks, Bob, for the "Roar of the Day!" - what a terrible campaign).
Is no one else going to comment on the hot new energy drink BG7? I have already pre-orderd 7 cases of the "white tea" based drink favored by the Bulls favorite trade bait. I want to make sure that I perform in the clutch at the next big board meeting.
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