A Walk in the Park

So much for first place. Not that I actually expected the Cubs' time on the top of the N.L. Central Division mountain to last much longer than a couple of days. Heck, I'm the one who predicted that the Cubs' chances of playing meaningful games in September are about the same as Terrell Owens' chance of being asked to Donovan McNabb's house for a summer picnic. Personally, I think Rush Limbaugh is more likely to get an invitation.

Despite the fact that I am probably about as pessimistic as one can be concerning the Cubs (years and years of watching George Mitterwald*, Barry Foote, Tim Blackwell and Damon Berryhill will do that to you), even I did not expect this year's pitching staff to be sponsored by the Susan G. Koman Breast Cancer Walk-a-thon or Brent Sutter's new walker company (speaking of needing a walker...was that really Mike Remlinger on the mound for the Braves yesterday?). Pitching coach Larry Rothschild must be a big fan of the Johnny Cash biopic "Walk the Line." Just to clarify...sixteen free passes in two games is not good.

And, after yesterday's game, I'm no longer even thinking about teasing Joe Girardi and the Florida Marlins for starting Sergio Mitre in the second game of the season. My memory may be bit hazy, but I don't recall Mitre ever accomplishing Glendon Rusch's latest next-to-impossible feat. Giving up a home run to an opposing pitcher is bad. Giving up said home run to an opposing pitcher who came into the game with a lifetime batting average of .086 and had not played in the National League for years is horrendously bad. And giving up said home run on an 0-2 pitch ought to banish you to the California Penal League. That's just plain criminal.

** Easy...easy triva question. Which pitcher spent his formultive years honing his skills in the California Penal League and why was he there?

And welcome to Chicago, Jacque Jones. Any time you want to hit the ball is fine by me.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm sure we will enjoy getting a first-hand look at the future in September as Felix Pee-Ay and Angel Guzman get to strut their stuff.

By the way, let me be the first to predict that Juan Pierre is wearing a different uniform on July 31. Kerry Wood, too. And what uniform will Kerry be wearing? .........................
Why, an Iowa Cubs uniform, of course!!! Ho, ho, hee, hee...this stuff never gets old.

At least we don't have Corey Patterson to kick around any more. After sitting out the opener, Corey went 0-4 in the Orioles' second game and left five runners on base. That said, there appear to be signs of progress as Patterson only struck out once. Wouldn't you have thought that the Orioles would have learned their lesson with the Sammy Sosa fiasco? Perhaps we can trade Glendon Rusch for a Cal Ripken Jr. bobble head.

The Sox has a rough day as well. Scotty Pods is off to an 0-13 start and Paul Konerko has just one hit in his first 13 plate appearances. I'm confident that the offense will come around, however. Konerko got off to a miserable start last year as well and, should Pods not find his stroke (anyone else wonder why he was spent so many years in the minors? We may be about the find out), the aforementioned Pierre should be available. Perhaps the Cubs can re-acquire the rights to Karchner and George Bell for Pierre and the since-acquired Ripken bobble-head.

I would, however, worry about the bullpen and, most importantly, Bobby Jenks. I heard one talking head (I guess that makes me a typing hand) mention that those who say that Jenks is not in shape don't know what they are talking about. After all, round is a shape. Must be the churros. I guess giving up the rights to Karchner is not such a good idea after all. Better keep Kelly Wunsch's phone number handy too.

Yesterday, I inquired as to who or what is a Freddie Bynum. Today, I can't help but wonder where the Sox dug up Boone Logan. Didn't I see this guy on Bassmasters? Was it "ESPN Outdoors?" If this guy lists Ted Nugent as his hero and favorite rocker, I'm really starting to wonder.

At least both north side fans an south side fans get a traditional early-season day off today. Anyone ever wonder why teams are given so many days off at the beginning of the season, but often have to play 12 or 15 or 20 games in a row at the end of the year? I mean, how tired can these guys possibly be during the first week of April? Is dodging desert lizards or Florida gators during spring training really that taxing? Has science proven that additional time off at the beginning of a cycle is the best way to maximize effects? Is this my not-so-transparent, but oh-so-clever way of hinting that baseball has not only looked the other way, but actually contributed to the problem? Are some of you wondering what in the heck I am talking about?

Watch ESPN's "Bonds on Bonds" if you are confused. And I thought he was going to be touting the benefits of government securities over investing in the WWE.

Most interesting that the Cubs have two days off in the first four days of the season. Perhaps the schedule-makers recognized that Rusch would be starting the second game of the season and the Cubs' pen would be tired. (Beating a dead horse alert!)

The Bulls won a huge game last night at Philadelphia and look like they are headed for the playoffs. Say what you will about the shortcomings of the Bulls, but you have to admit that the team plays hard, never gives up, and, if nothing else, deserves to go to the playoffs more than the pathetic Sixers. The question is: what most makes Phily undeserving-- row after row of empty seats during what can be termed a "crucial game," an utter lack of intensity by the Sixer players, or the fact that no team that actually gives Shavlik Randolph playing time ever, and I mean ever, should be seen in the playoffs.

And besides, at least one playoff game will be good for the west side economy. With last year's season-long hockey strike and this year's dreadful attendance at Hawks' games you've got to figure that those little boys who bang on buckets outside the United Center have had a rough couple of years. Not to mention the guys who plays the Simpsons theme over and over on his saxophone.

In other NBA news, reports indicate that former NBA-all star Shawn Kemp has been working out with the Mavericks. Kemp last played in the 2002-2003 season, but reportedly has lost 55 pounds by eating oatmeal three times a day and no longer relies on the evil white powder to get through his day. If true, I applaud him for turning his life around. Still, I can't help but wonder if Mark Cuban has lost Dennis Rodman's number and Derrick Coleman, Stanley Roberts and Thomas Hamilton turned the Mavericks owner down first.

Over the last couple of days I've given great consideration about whether to talk (write) about the horrible situation involving the Duke LaCrosse team. Now that the story is getting uglier and uglier and is becoming absolutely nauseating, my decision has been made easy. In general, I like to maintain a certain level of humor in the Random Thoughts and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, funny about what is happening in Durham. No jokes. No wisecracks. Nothing.

As you know, I strongly encourage all Random Thoughts readers to become Random Thoughts commenters (how else can I recognize you by using your clever nickname -- by the way, Kevin, "anonymous" doesn't work for me), but please stop usurping my blog ideas!! Two days ago, commenter Jeff C. (incorrectly identified as Bearister, sorry Jeff C.) stole my NoMah thunder and last night commenter "Tom" (Borrrrring....) beats me to the Mike & Mike "Marriage Madness" punch. I've held my tounge on this for much too long. Look I don't care how many hits the "marriage madness" page has received. I don't care how many stupid couples applied. I don't care how many lonely and bored idiots actually voted. It was (and remains) a dumb, dumb idea. My guess is that if 75,000 people voted, at least 74,500 ignored that actual candidates and wrote in the names Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova. Now that's a wedding, I'd like to see.

The other 500 voters? Split evenly between Mike Greenberg and his book, Mike Golic and a turkey leg, Michael Moore and Donald Rumsfeld, and Mike McDermott and Teddy KGB (I told you, he was gay).

Finally, not only are Random Thoughts commenters stealing my ideas, they are apparently also beginning to demand a little more control over the Random Thoughts. Reader, but current non-commentor, Brian requested a George Mitterwald reference (done). Commentor ParrotMama wants a little love (or hate) for former Illini and Buffalo Grove Charger sports column whipping boy Marcus Liberty (you're going to have to wait a little longer for that one). And finally, Commentor and NoMah thunder stealer Jeff C. desires a nickname for Dee Brown. Now, it will come as no suprise that I'd lean toward, "Mr. Overrated," or "Senor Overrated," or "Overrated Guy With UglyHair," (pretty much anything as long as it has "overrated" in the title), but I leave it to you, the readers of the Random Thoughts. Please post your nickname suggestions for Dee!!!!

* In the interest of sharing as much unimportant information as possible, I offer you the following: Catcher George Eugene Mitterwald played 12 seasons in the major leagues, including four with the Cubs. He was obtained by the Cubs from the Twins in a December 1973 trade for Randy Hundley (father of Random Thought's villian Todd Hundley). With a lifetime batting average of .236, Mitterwald hit 76 career home runs, including 16 in 1973 (must have been his HGH season...). Not sure why, but George's nickname was Baron von Mitterwald.

And, no, I don't care how much you beg. I'm not mentioning Dave Rader.