Enough is Enough

I've finally had enough. I know that my following rant may not be particularily popular with those readers who reside south of Washington Street (hey, how do you know that Bernie Mac is not reading?), not to mention the woman who shares my house, but enough is enough. Look Ozzie, maybe being a blowhard was funny at one time (heck, it's worked with the younger set for Chris Berman for almost 26 years now), but your outspokeness has officially overstayed its welcome.

I remember your complaints about the lack of parking at Wrigley Field. Hey, join the club. Why not complain about the number of sweaty, smelly people at the Taste of Chicago. You live here and you learn to deal with it.

I remember your complaints about seating for the opposing players' wives at Wrigley. Not sure what you're talking about here. In fact, a few years back at a Cubs-Sox game, I distinctly remember seeing a woman in a Shingo Takutsu jersey in the tenth row next to the opposing team's on-deck circle. Crazy me for actually assuming that it was Shingo's wife. I guess I just assumed that Takutsu jerseys sold about as well as Jim Bullinger Cubs' jerseys. Silly me.

(Roger Clemens just wants to know whether WrigleyBill and his wife -- not to mention an army of 20-somethings-- were able to get their dry cleaning done in a timely fashion with Mrs. Takatsu and Tadahito's main squeeze playing hooky).

I remember your whining regarding the media's focus on Mark Prior's injury, openly wondering why there wasn't a "Frank Thomas Watch." Oh, there was a Frank Thomas watch, but you had to look in the Business section of the paper under "Bankruptcy News" to find it.

I remember your decision not to attend the World Series celebration at the White House. I don't agree with your choice, but respect your right to stay home. As I have said before, that is one of the best things about the USA.

But your recent remarks in Playboy have sent me over the edge.

I simply don't feel the need to review word-for-word Ozzie's profanity laced rantings on the Cubs, the sports media, former players who talk about steroids, Ugueth Urbina and other topics. Heck, I haven't heard that much unabated cursing since the Terrence & Phillip movie. I will say, however, that I was unaware that Ozzie has reviewed all the evidence against Urbina and, therefore, knows conclusively that Urbina is innocent. I suppose I should also remind Ozzie that Ken Caminiti did not name names and maybe, just maybe, he actually wanted to warn younger players about the dangers of steroids and the effect that they can have on one's health. He is dead now, you know. And, why not mention Ozzie's delightful assessment of the job of baseball manager as "horsesh*t" (immediately followed by "you make $2 million if you win..." -- who in the heck is advising him? Latrell Sprewell?).

Shut your f*cking face, Uncle f*cker, indeed.

I seem to recall one other thing that you have said in the past, Ozzie. Wasn't it you who, while complaining about how horrible it is to be a manager, said that if the Sox won the Championship, you would quit? Perhaps you ought to think about living up to your word.

Oh stop complaining Sox fans. There are plenty of managers available to replace Ozzie. Go down to the Calumet White Castle and tell Terry Bevington to turn in his apron.

Whew. I feel better.

For those of you who are desperately craving Mark Prior news, I give you this. A while back, Prior was sued for breach of contract by "Just Ducky Too," a retail gift outlet in Naperville. You might recall that Prior made an appearance at the store but, according to the lawsuit, left early after security failed and all heck broke loose. Well, the lawsuit did not go away and the trial was expected to start this week.

It is my understanding that the judge has set the following schedule: (1) Prior will be asked relatively easy questions while standing on flat ground in front of the stand; (2) a few days later Prior will actually take the stand to answer a few non-threatening questions; (3) he will be asked to mix in more difficult questions while on the stand; (4) two weeks later, after seeing how he responds to taking the stand, Prior will go through a simulated trial; (5) Prior will be sent to Iowa for five practice trials; and (8) the actual, real trial will take place in front of he judge, with real attorneys and everything. That ought to happen sometime around May of 2009.

Speaking of the Cubs...as I am sure you know, today is opening day at the ol' ballyard. Welcome to another season of being unable to see Jacque Jones strike out thanks to those wonderful well-placed posts, having to dodge falling concrete blocks on your way to buying a $9 beer, and being unable to see a replay of whether the leftfielder really would have made that catch if not for the kid in the turtleneck and headphones. But, hey, there are new, fancy bleachers this year. Neato.
Remind me again why we relish this 1920's relic.

Before the game Juan Pierre (who I remind you will be in a different uniform come July 31 -- he is a one-year fill in, regardless with Lou Brock, er Felix Pee-Ay in the wings) was asked how he would stay warm during the game. He noted that he has his "long-johns and will cover himself in baby oil" (I admit that this is a paraphrase). Oooookay. Look Juan, we asked you how you are going to stay warm during the game. No need to tell us about your postgame North Halsted plans.

Corey-o-Meter: Last night: counted used Sammy Sosa syringes while sitting on the bench all game. Season: 0-4 with 1 strikeout.

Stop whining Ozzie. I'm not doing a Rowand-o-meter, too. Let the "no respect" complaints commence.

So, only Bearister is interested in suggesting a nickname for Dee Brown. That's okay. I don't plan on talking about the 'D' League or the Kansas City Cagerz of the USBL much, anyway.

Most Likely Missed Sports News of the Week: The aforementioned Kansas City Cagerz hired Cliff "Good News" Livingston as an assistant coach. Can Scott Williams be far behind?

Finally, (since we have not had Iniana news in a few days) Mike Davis has been hired as the new head coach at UAB. Alabama coaching legend, C.M. Newton, commented that "Mike's teams at Indiana ran" and "his will be a fun type team to watch." What Iniana team was Newton watching? Iniana of Pennsylvania?

Have a great weekend. There will be no post Monday as I will be out of the office. Better pick up a half-dozen cheeseburgers while you're at the Calumet White Caste to fill the empty spot in your hearts.