What? No Mention of The Joker's Wild?

So, Roger Favre has announced that he will be returning to Green Bay for a 15th and final season. You really can't blame him can you? I mean...no...playing for the Packers in not likely to let him add many wins to his current career total of 139. And...no...it is not guaranteed that Favre throws the 25 touchdown passes that he needs to surpass Dan Marino as the all-time leader. And I also suspect that Favre's comment that "football is in my blood" is not the main reason that he is returning. So why come back to get the crap knocked out of you week after week? Did John Madden promise to stop leaving his panties on the couple's bathroom floor? Nah, Favre is returning because of two little words...free painkillers. I mean, have you seen the current retail price of Vicodin these days?

Did you know? Favre is the only three-time winner of the MVP in the history of the NFL. Better memorize that if you're going to impress Meredith Viera and win the big money on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?.

Speaking of aging all-time greats, Brett Clemens has still not made up his mind regarding whether he will play this season. Primarily interested in restoring his a prisitine image, maybe he's waiting to see whether Major League Baseball will adopt a new rule that erases all memory of events in which players (1) get kicked out of ALCS games in the second inning for cursing at umpires (see 1990 ALCS Game 2); (2) throw jagged pieces of bat at opposing players (see Game 2 of the 2000 World Series); and (3) respond to giving up a home run to your son, by throwing a 95-mph fastball at his head. Or maybe he is still just waiting to get his dry cleaning back.

Going back to Clemens' unique brand of child abuse...is it really that suprising that he would we willing to hit his own son? I mean this is a guy who once said about recognized humanitarian and gentle-giant Hank Aaron "I wish he were still playing. I'd probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was" in response to comments Aaron made regarding whether pitchers should be eligible to win the MVP.** Nice guy. Makes Buddy Hinton, the blond guy from The Karate Kid and the Alpha Betas at Adams College seem like nice guys.

Despite a stellar career at the University of Texas, I'm sorry to announce that Clemens is not among the five players who will make up the first class of enshrinees in the college baseball Hall of Fame. There is certainly no shame in losing out to famous Bird-Killer Dave Winfield, former Cub-Killer Will Clark, former grand slam home run-killer Robin Ventura (I believe he is the only player in history to have officially hit a "grand slam single" in the NLCS), and former Japanese league pitcher-killer Bob Horner. But former-Cub Brooks Kieschnick? Heck, with his career .214 average in a Cubs uniform, some may argue that he joins the aforementioned Will Clark as a Cub-killer (of course, 70% of the National League from 1980-2005 qualifies...Jeff Blauser... Carlos Beltran... Rob Mackowiak... pretty much any backup catcher).

Who are your most memorable Cub killers? You know what to do... Well, most of you, anyway.

Interesting notes of the day on the first class of college baseball Hall of Fame inductees: Bob Horner once held the major league record for most home runs without hitting a grand slam (or a grand slam single) to start a career (210). That record ws broken by Steroid Sammy when his 248th career home run cleared the bases (no confirmation regarding whether Matt Mieske was one of the runners who scored on Sammy's blast). Brooks Kieschnick remains the only two-time winner of the Dick Howser Trophy, given to the college baseball player of the year. You'll thank me when such crucial knowledge helps you Stump the Schwaub.

Look, you all know how I feel about bases on balls, so I am not going to waste yout time with another diatribe on the importance of throwing the ball over the plate (no, instead I'm going to waste your time by pointing out the obscure accomplishments of Brooks Kieschnick). I'll just point out that the Florida Toddlers scored seven runs in yesterday's victory over the Cubs and six of the seven runners who crossed the plate had reached base as the result of a walk. Uggggggly.

Of course, the Toddlers' big three-run eighth was highlighted by three Scott Williamson walks, a balk, a wild pitch, and a double that right fielder John Mabry lost in the sun. That is soooooo Cubs and may be the ugliest inning since El Pulpo Antonio Alfonseca was toeing the rubber.

At least there weren't any passed balls in the inning, or in the game for that matter. I'd be willing to bet that Red Sox catcher Josh Bard wishes that he could say the same thing. "Catching knuckleball specialist Tim Wakefield, yesterday, Bard was charged with four passed balls, bringing his season total to 10 in only six games. Now, we know why regular Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek comes down with a severe case of Wakefielditis every fifth game and has to sit the game out. That said, Bard has a long way to go to catch Geno Petralli who set the record for passed balls in a season (post-1900) in 1987 with 35 in 63 games (important information should Chuck Woolery reenter the ranks of the employed as a result of Greed making its glorious return to the non-Game Show Network airwaves).

Anyone catch the fact that former Cub Mike Harkey is the bullpen coach for the Toddlers? Think of the scenario...Harkey responsible for teaching Florida pitchers Sergio Mitre and Todd Wellemeyer. This can't be good. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Why not invite Rod Beck to South Florida to teach the Florida youngsters how to take care of one's body?

So Kerry Wood threw three innnings (39 pitches) in a Rookie League game in Arizona without tweaking his back while bending over the pick up the rosin bag, without getting hit by a screaming line drive, and without having a pack of wild coyotes attack him on the mound. Wood gave up one hit, walked only one batter (although that's one too many in my eyes), and struck out five. Looks like he is moving up the rehabilitation ladder. First, a simulated game. Second, a game against a Rookie League team. So, next comes a turn at All-Star Baseball 2006 on X-Box, right? And I suppose, if he can get through that without straining the ligaments in his thumb, he's off to Iowa...oh, never mind. Somebody better call a thumb doctor.

Through ten games this season, Rangers' outfielder Kevin Mench was batting .282 with zero home runs and zero RBI. In his last seven games, he has raised his average to .343 and now has six home runs and twenty RBI (including HRs in six straight games heading into tomorrow's game at Cleveland). So why the turnaround? Well, it turns out that Spike Lee was right after all. It is the shoes. After complaining of soreness in his toe and missing five games, it was discovered that Mench was wearing the wrong shoe size. After switching from a size 12 to a 12 1/2, Mench has gone on his tear with 11 hits in his last 24 at bats, including the six home runs and 20 rbi. Most importantly, Ranger management has allowed Kevin to change his name back to Mench, after introducing the big outfielder as "Kevin Schmuck" for the first two weeks of the season.

Corey-o-Meter: Spent nine excruciating innings trying to figure out all the words to "It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)." Kept wondering what in the heck "Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, Ladder start to clatter with fear fight down height" means. Considered asking Orioles' pitcher Kris Benson to come over tomorrow to watch a Lenny Bruce restrospective DVD. Secretly hoped the Anna would come to. Season: See yesterday.

Well, that's all for today. I've got to find my Brooks Kieschnick baseball cards. I hear he may be in line for a job at the Lombard Burger King. I'm gettin' me an autograph!

**Back to sports for today's tough trivia question (but look, you may have to know this stuff if you are going to be a big winner on Jeopardy. I mean, you can't completely rely on "Foods That Start With the Letter Q" coming up as a category, can you?): Roger Clemens is one of only two starting pitchers to win the MVP since 1970. Who was the other?

And while you're at it, punch that swarmy know-it-all Alex Trebek in the nose, will you?